|Greetings Team Contract,
It seems to me that you have a pretty good tale here and a pretty good start to it. I read some of the Second Chapter and the Prologue to get more of a sense of the thing as a whole. It is difficult to gauge the whole of a work from a small portion, but Vol 1. - The Size Queen, is a good chunk. (I do apologize for the generalness of my review as it involved reading over several sittings and some weeks. My time on WdC is limited by my access on breaks and lunch and more so, of late, by the fact that I haven't been getting them reliably)
We are presented with a protagonist who is interesting and sympathetic. Tina, cognate with tiny, amusing as she is an 8' female wrestler, seems somewhat childlike, despite her tough situation and being a heel in wrestling terminalogy.
I particularily liked your scenes with Gwen as we see Tina's morality defined. She has been forced (though she chooses it ultimately) into being a criminal enforcer and recently killer and yet is not willing to prostitute herself like Gwen has chosen. I think this and her interactions with the rickshaw boy define her well as a sympathetic character and as a true good guy. In the second chapter she proves it even more when she feels protective of the child warriors even though they insult and then actually try to kill her.
If I'd read the whole Prologue I imagine I'd have justification for the sabotage that Doc recruits her to assist him in. So, perhaps, I am not qualified to say that I felt that you may have resolved Doc and the mission too soon as being a good thing.
Somethings were good, but seem to me to be in need of polish.
I particularily like the idea of super soldier technology used for a special wrestling league. Two things trouble me: 1) The set up seems pretty simple, too simple. There is a lot more going on in the wrestling that I have opportunity to watch and have watched. Perhaps it doesn't warrant any more attention as it is just her origin tale, but I can imagine a lot of potential for other girls turning up in the employ of other forces bringing the reality of Tina's situation to what was a comic entertainment. Particularily the dead girls might be dead in the sense that black ops soldiers often are and with the biomechanical stuff who knows what kind of biological horrors might be visited on (and threatened against our heroine)one of the sisterhood who fell in the past.
...but the biomechanics of the thing seemed kind of sketchy and unclear. There are nanites and synthesised organs and even multiple hearts mentioned at one point? This is not an area that I've spent a lot of time researching and so perhaps I should bend to your expertise, but as a reader it seemed unclear what her powers were, how they were initially developed, and how they might change for the better over time.
She is large, somehow it seems she can be larger and by larger I mean taller? How is that possible? If this isn't a necessary ability perhaps it should be explained or abandoned.
The mentions of organs suggest something that her changed body can draw on naturally after her augmentation, but then the nanites come into it... I didn't get the sense that you had determined exactly what happened, is happening, and will happen in Size Queen's situation as she works with Doc and perhaps others. Am I incorrect in this? Why do you think I got that impression?
So I've covered two things, the league and the biotech that I think are super cool ideas that I believe could be greatly improved. One isn't really important, the league, though I can imagine that having a fleshed out understanding might provide more, as with Gwen and Tina's morality definition, in later installments of the Size Queen. The other, I think, is critical. Perhaps it is my fragmented reading, my failure to understand, but please entertain the thought that you may not have presented it well enough.
To a point, I believe, that less is far more if you, as the writers, know the whole of it and the fewer details are consistant and not contradictory. To my reading there was too much detail and some of it didn't match up. This is a critical plot point, but it isn't really a character point. It is necessary for Tina to be 8 feet tall, but it is situational, not as much a part of the decisions that reveal her character.
Why did you choose to begin in Brazil but have the initial mission in Africa? I ask because it seems odd that Doc's compatriots would get wiped out in Brazil so Size Queen has to help Doc, but they travel to Africa, wouldn't they be able to pick up other soldiers if they travelled, and what the hell were they doing in Brazil? It seems that you wanted to take advantage of the wrestling sub-culture in Latin America and then have Tina involved in wider things, but it just doesn't track for me. Well and good, but it just seems to strain credulity.
Along with my criticism of Doc too quickly becoming a clear good guy, perhaps there should be a Size Queen 1.5. I liked Tina's interaction with the rickshaw boy, perhaps you are too quickly dispensing with Brazil. Off the top of my head it might be good if the realizations gained with her interaction with Gwen could be cemented with action that preceeds her going off to Africa. To the point, what was Doc and his crew even doing in Brazil? If you can imagine the reason for their visit to Sao Paulo it might provide an opportunity for her to impress Doc, but also justify his reasons for enlisting her when the op is far away in Africa as things stand now. Then too, it might afford a tightening of the schedule to the point that reinforcements are really impossible, ie after getting the macguffin they see a report that the starship is going to launch in hours.
Just a note: I believe that it would be much more practical for a starship to be assembled in orbit, in space anyhow, not launch from the surface of a deep gravity well like Earth's. Obviously it would not be available to be blown up on the ground, but that is just another potential complication. OR, have you thought it far enough ahead and Doc's mission to blow up a Starship is actually to assassinate the crew which would be a strain on Tina's largely innocent conscience?
I noticed some grammar and word choice things that I might pick at, but on the whole it seemed competently written. Considering what I've inflicted on you in my review, any advice in that area might be viewed with suspicion.
I hope this review was helpful. I really like your story. It is a good one, but I think it has a way to go to be great. If you are just going for good then perhaps you've hit it, except for the few typos I saw, and if you like I can search them out and pass them along.