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Please accept my review of your poem, "Bittersweet End." Please take what bits you can use, and disregard the rest. : )
You made good use of the AABB rhyme scheme throughout your poem, choosing well-rhymed words.
There is one line that I might consider rewording: "That has brought about this bittersweet end." I would have said "That has brought me to this bittersweet end." I think it flows a little better, but that's just my opinion.
In line 6 you say: "And pray to God that they will pass," while in line 24 you say: "And pray to god this pain will pass." Was this intentional, or did you just make "God" proper the first time and then improper the second time on accident? I would either write "God" both times, or "god" both times to keep it consistent. Just an observation.
I have a few suggestions that might help the story flow a bit easier...but they are just suggestions, so take what you can use and throw the rest away.
You tell most of the story, rather than use descriptive language to show it. More description will help the reader "get into" the story.
One of the first things you'll hear repeatedly when writing creatively (whether fiction or nonfiction) is "show, don't tell." This can be a difficult task, but it allows the reader to place his or herself into the story a bit easier.
This sentence is one of a few that needs a comma: "I said trying to push it off, because although I have gotten spanked(,) I had never gotten bruised."
"I had never been bruised" might be a better wording choice in that sentence, but that's just me.
Very nicely written. The story was easy to follow and the dialog is natural. I would suggest changing "90 miles an hour" to "ninety miles an hour," but other than that...I didn't see anything that interrupted the flow of the story. Good job! : )
Nice story! It held my attention and I was anxious to see what happened at the end.
"Last building on the high street was the old drama theatre." (You need a 'The' at the beginning of this sentence).
"Clutching her lucky Angel stone in shaking hands, she silently pleaded, please help me again." (I would suggest italizing 'please help me again,' or placing quotation marks around this part of the sentence.)
These are just my suggestions. Good job! Keep writing! : )
You have some good elements here. I would make one suggestion though. I think your writing would be more effective if you would shorten your sentences. Most of them are very long, and this can sometimes cause a problem with the flow of the story.
Also, is this line supposed to be a question: "But that wasn’t all?"
Looks like you're on to something. Keep writing! : )
This poem displays very intense emotions. Anyone who has had their heart broken can relate to it.
The line, "But the fires still burnt" might work better as "But the fires still burned." That's just my opinion.
The last stanza is my favorite, and relays the hopelessness and sorrow felt by the poet. Very mournful. Your poem has extracted a response from the reader, and that's what it's all about! Well done.
Sounds like you're on to something exciting with this piece. You describe the settings well, so it's easy to follow the story visually.
A few spots that caught my attention:
" I know it’s weird, but I can’t eat food with dirty teeth, and I can’t go to school with milk breath." (This sentence is in the present tense, while the rest of the piece is in past tense. Not a huge deal, but it can be a distraction.
* You do a lot of showing, rather than telling throughout the piece. (Ex: "My eyes got wide") This is especially difficult to overcome when you're writing in 1st person. Starting sentences with action verbs can sometimes help with this issue.
* The last sentence, "I had to know what I had seen..." should either be written with a fourth period at the end, or it could just be written, "I had to know what I had seen."
These are small issues, but it's the little foxes that spoil the vines, right?
I think this piece will make for an interesting read if you care to expand and tweak it a little. Great job! Keep writing! : )
Nice twist at the end! I think you could definitely expand this piece.
Some things that were a little distracting were your use of sentence fragments and other grammatical issues. Even the little things can upset the story flow.
"One lone light burning. A little girl sleeping. Her dad off to find a living." (These sentences are fragmented and can be fixed with some comma usage and a little sentence restructuring.)
" girls window " and " wolfs entry" should be "girl's window" and "wolf's entry"
"She awoke with a startle," should either be "She awoke with a start," or "She awoke, startled."
These are minor issues and can easily be corrected. I think you're on to something here! I'm intrigued. Good job. Keep writing! : )
This review is strickly my opinion. Take what you can use and ditch the rest. : )
You have some good poetic elements here, but I'm not sure if it can ve classified as haiku, at least not in the traditional sense. Haiku are usually in reference to nature and the seasons-- flashes of images and then the final 'a-ha' moment that follows. Traditional poetic elements are also usually absent from haiku. You make use of alliteration, which sounds great, but doesn't quite fit into the haiku form.
I understand that you're using the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, which some feel makes anything haiku as long as it follows the prescribed count of syllables.
I think you could expand what you have into another form of poetry. It seems there is more to be said here.
Nice job. There's a lot of good nature imagery here. My comments are in parenthesis alongside the lines of your poem.
Watching leaves dance in the air
wonder if they mind my stare. (I like this line!)
Morning sun about to rise,
beautifu unfolds before my eyes. (Is is supposed to read 'beautiful,' rather than 'beautifu'?)
Day comes and the night sleeps.
Pink clouds floating over pines, (Nice use of alliteration here)
life returns of every kind.
Sun warms and bluejay calls,
horses restless in their stalls. (Very good use of imagery here)
Day comes and the night sleeps.
Clouds embracing high above,
some call sin some call love. (Again, good use of alliteration)
Time to rise and love again,
feathers stretching out in the wind.
Come my love and walk with me,
Smell a flower touch a tree. (Perhaps some punctuation would be good here? "Smell a flower, touch a tree")
Nice use of rhyme on the third line of each stanza. The fourth stanza was my favorite.
You use alliteration in lines 2, 4, and 18. A little more alliteration would allow for a smoother reading.
I was a little confused by line 17, "i beg you form the lord." I wasn't sure what you meant by that. Did you mean 'from the lord,' or am I just reading it wrong?
The last line didn't quite do it for me, since it broke from the rhyme scheme, but hey, that's just my two cents.
There are some good lines here. Good job and keep writing!
Jack Kerouac said that the haiku "has to be a simple little picture in three little lines." I think you accomplished that in your haiku, "Falling Leaves."
I love how you compare falling leaves with children leaving their mother. The personification is a nice touch, and makes the haiku relatable to the reader.
Nice job! I love writing haiku. It's a great way to combine nature with the human condition.
The dialog in this piece is very well written. I laughed when I read it because Paul's character reminds me of several men that I know. I was a little confused by the last bit of conversation between Trudy and Helen, though. I didn't really understand why Trudy asked, "What if he sees me at Yoga?" Other than that, it was a really great read for me. Great job! Keep writing. : )
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