Hey Christopher,
It's a Raid Weekend for "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
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I saw your post in the Newsfeed and thought I'd give it a read and review it as part of our Raid Weekend! I am very glad I did too. While I really enjoyed the story, there are some things I didn't enjoy so much. The enjoyment far outweighs any not so much enjoyment. But here are my specific comments.
1. As a Royal Marine, he overcame overwhelming odds on many occasions. MHO here, but I (it's not my story obviously) would replace overcame with a synonym. I won't suggest one since I feel that would be telling you how to word your lines.
2. I hate the ending. Surely there's a better way to end this. The options are limited though, and try as I might, I can't think of a scenario that would work. He would have to know the owner of the Jewelry store, which seems unlikely. Having the Jewelry store loan him the ring doesn't fit either since they have no trust he would bring it back once Mabel passed. Unless of course, the jeweler knows who Sid is, maybe from reading about him, or seeing him on the telly or something. Or, they do loan it on occasion, except the loaner ring is fake....
Suggestion to consider. The jeweler loans Sid the ring to present to Mabel. All the while his staff of jewelers are manufacturing a duplicate, with Sid and the jeweler developing a way to complete the swap a couple of days later. (I have no idea how long it would take to do this, but it seems to me that the jeweler might have one already on hand, or close to being ready. The fake one is used for 'emergency's' just like this, but for some reason, it's not available.... already out on loan? Returned damaged? The jeweler accompanies Sid to the hospital and remains out of sight while Sid presents the ring to Mabel. She chastises him for getting something so expensive, but she obviously loves it. Of course, Mabel has to pass, and does shortly after the ring is placed on her finger. The jeweler sees what happens, has the fake ring in his pocket by now, and when Sid brings the real ring to him, he completes the swap. Or does he? (Leave it up to the reader to decide there.) Either way, Mabel is buried with the ring on her finger.
{Yes, I realize that once it is discovered that the ring is fake, an insurance investigation would begin. That's another story, not part of this story (In my thoughts, the ring was not swapped as it was supposed to have been long ago, with the jeweler ultimately selling it on the black market and depositing the money in an overseas account). The important thing is, this is your story, you edit if you choose, in the manner you choose! Excellent story, thank you for sharing!
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER
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