               
Hi everyone. Any of my comments or suggestions are just that: comments or suggestions. They are always given with respect and the hopes that they will be helpful. If you don’t agree with them, just ignore them; after all, you know what is best for your story. 
What I liked best: The moments of tension and the innocence.
Plot:
Brian goes to several bars. In the end, he meets a girl and dances with her, but he remarks Judy. After a while, he and Judy dance, and she takes him home with her. He makes love for the first time and believes that they are now boyfriend and girlfriend. He goes home to find that his bike will soon be fixed. He stays home while his parents leave and thinks about his upcoming date with Kathy.
Pacing: Generally slow
Tension: There are a few areas of tension, but it could really be ramped up. There's lots of material here for it.
Hook: Not great
Style & Voice -- Concerning style: My comments will assume that you would like to write either in first person or third person limited. However, I would like to point out that many, if not most, of the books that I have bought recently use the omniscient point of view. Ultimately, style is the author's choice.
Style: There were a few point of view slips, but generally the pov was good.
Style: Always start a new paragraph when there is new dialogue and when a different person is doing something.
Style: Avoid repetition.
Style: Try to look for synonyms for "walk" and "look." There are many to choose from.
Style: Show don't tell. See below.
Scene/Setting: The setting was light. I could have used a bit more mixed in with action, but it was okay. No problem.
Characters:
Brian: A young fireman who is sweet and innocent. He makes love for the first time. He is thoughtful about women. He is strong and obviously attractive: although, he doesn't know it. Good.
Girl: nothing much about her - flat
Judy: An older woman, mother, with protective brothers. She teaches Brian about sex, but she does not appear serious about him. It looks like she is using him. We don't know what she looks like. Is she taller than Brian? Does she have huge breasts? Tiny ones? Are her eyes like his favorite game character? Green? Blue? Is her hair long? Short? Spiked?
Lynn: The girl Brian is really interested in, but she already has a boyfriend.
Craig: Judy's son
Kathy: A girl with whom Brian has a date, but he is not really interested in her.
Parents: Kind and caring.
Grammar: Please see line by line review.
When you join two independent clauses (sentences) with a conjunction (and, so, but, yet) use a comma to separate the clauses.
Sentence 1, and sentence 2.
We sprinted, and we collapsed.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/...
http://www.englishgrammarsecrets.com/questionstags...
http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/which_that_...
http://wps.ablongman.com/long_faigley_penguinhb_1/...
http://grammartips.homestead.com/compoundsentences...
Just My Personal Opinion:
Hi Bruce,
I saw that you were requesting a review and decided to take the plunge. Grin.
I like the sincerity and the innocence of the young man. Men start as little boys and slowly grow into men. They have the right to their innocence and to take their time before their first experience.
There is a lot of potential to take this chapter from a good chapter to a great one. Try to add more tension from the very beginning. This will increase the pace.
Show. Don't Tell: Try to use more active verbs, avoiding the passive tense (was / were). This will also help increase the pace.
Example:
Telling: I was sitting there when she came in, and then I got up. (was)
Showing: She strutted in, swinging her hips and tossing her hair, heading in my direction. I sprang up from the bar stool, my heart pounding. (Notice the strong verbs. This one is much more active. Which one do you prefer?)
I hope that this is helpful.
Tad
Tadpole1 
Chapter 19
♂
I walked into the small room of The Ring O'Bells at five to eight and was surprised to find it empty. I went to the bar to get a drink while I decided what to do.
Albert walked out from a back room. "You're on your own tonight, lad," he said. "That Badger has gone off to some club in Manchester."
"Kenny been in?" I asked. This is fine. No problem. However, it is possible to give an action and a bit of setting instead. For example:
"Kenny been in?" I climbed onto the barstool and laid my keys on the black countertop.
"Liverpool," Albert said as he put the pint of bitter onto the bar. This is fine. However it is possible to shorten it.
"Liverpool." Albert put a pint of bitter (on the bar) in front of me.
I thought about going to Minstrels. I could always have a drink with the local lads. On the other hand comma I could just call down to The Kings Arms, but I thought on how I had not been in Kings for almost a year and I might not know anyone in there now. I finished my beer and decided to set off to Minstrels.
The resident band was still playing when I walked into the club. I went to the bar looking for a familiar face to spend the evening with and although I received a few casual greetings from people I knew vaguely, there was nobody I knew well enough to spend time with. I sat for a while before spotting a girl that I knew from Locksford comma and I walked over to ask her for a dance.
Pace: slow for the moment
She was a vigorous dancer comma and I didn't try to talk to her while we danced, not just because the music was loud, but because she was enjoying her dancing too much to be distracted. telling
The group finished playing comma and I asked the girl to join me for a drink at the bar. I ordered the drinks and glanced around the club as the disc jockey began his session. I noticed Judy dancing with two other girls not far away from me comma and it surprised me because I had not noticed her coming into the club. Judy saw me looking and gave a wave before turning away again.
I'll try to put something about the commas under the section grammar, so I'll ignore them from here on.
Pacing: still slow
"I haven't seen you in town for a while," the girl said. "None of the gang knew what happened to you and we all thought that you had moved away or something."
"That sergeant done me for drinking under age again. I thought I'd better keep out of the way till I was eighteen. I didn't want to get done again, so I've been going in The Ring O'Bells and sometimes up here."
"The Ring O'Bells. I thought that was an old man's pub."
"Well it's nothing like Kings, but you do get a few lads in there."
The girl finished her drink. "You can take me home later if you like." Really? "The girl" said this?
I liked the girl, but I had lost all interest in her after noticing Judy in the club. "I'm meeting someone later."
"Oh, well, I'm usually in Locksford Saturday nights. You'll have to come and see me one night." She reached over to kiss me. This wasn't the first time we had kissed and we remained locked in the caress for a few moments until she moved away, smiled, and walked back to her friends.
If they had kissed before, wouldn't she have a name?
I glanced over towards Judy again. I thought I would have another drink before going to ask her for a dance. Because of our age difference, I was slightly nervous about asking her and I was not sure that she would want to spend the rest of the evening with me. I sat at the bar looking up at the foreign bottles on the top shelf, wondering what kind of drinks they contained. It suddenly went dark as I felt a pair of soft warm hands across my eyes.
Suggestion: delete slightly
Repetition: ask, asking
"Guess who, darling?" She said. Suggestion: a sexy voice said, a teasing voice said, something to give us a hint about her.
I knew who it was. The distinct aroma of her Avon cream perfume was filling my head. telling "Cinderella,"
I replied. Unneeded and could be dropped.
"Well that'll do me," Judy said and she sat on a bar stool next to me. "Just thought I'd pop over to see how Linda was settling in at her new house. I would have come over earlier, but I didn't want to impose while you were with your new girl, did I?"
How does Judy know that it was a new girl?
Did she just sit on the bar stool? Did she slide onto the barstool and cross her slender legs? Did she toss her hair back and cross her legs?
"No she's not my girl, she's just a mate."
"Oh, do all your mates kiss you like that?"
"She's always like that, but there's nothing in it, honest."
It's all right, darling. I'm not your mother, you know. Anyway, how does Linda like her new house?"
"She loves it. She said she'd call over to see you one day when she's more settled. Do you want a drink while you're here, Jude?" What about: "Can I buy you a drink while you're here, Jude?"
The friendly smile dropped from Judy's face. "What! question mark instead of exclamation mark How frigging dare you exclamation mark instead of comma ," she yelled.
"What?" I said, looking totally bewildered about her sudden hostility towards me. "What did I say?"
"You called me Jude, nobody frigging calls me Jude, nobody."
Pace: picking up – good
Tension: picking up – good
"I'm sorry, I wouldn't do anything to annoy you. I'm so sorry, semicolon or period I didn't know."
"Well you know now, don't you?" She looked away for a moment and then looked back at me. Although she still looked angry her attitude towards me changed again. "Look I'm sorry, it's sorry. It's just bad memories for me that's all, but maybe I shouldn't have taken it out on you. You weren't to know, were you?"
"That's all right," I said. "But at least I frigging know now, don't I," I said, almost shouting. I started laughing and felt relieved when Judy joined in with me. "Unusual to see you in here on a Sunday?" I said.
Repetition: I said.
Suggestion: Instead, give us an action.
"Well there's no point going to the bingo now that Linda's gone off to Locksford, is there?"
"I thought a crowd of you went."
Pace: Slow. So far, he danced with one girl, left her, and spoke with Judy. Judy got made because he called her Jude. Now they are talking about bingo. This is not super exciting. However, it could be with more sexual attraction (tension) between him and the first girl. The same thing with the new girl. Maybe a bit of jealousy?
"Yeah, but it's bloody boring anyway, I only used to go to keep Linda company. Anyway, I knew you came here on Sunday's and I thought I'd catch up with you to see how you all were. Not only that, we can go to Top Rank for a coffee, like you promised, can't we?"
When he is in the first bar, he could be thinking about her. Maybe he could be nervous about what her reaction would be if he saw her. This might help to build tension.
I was a bit surprised, but I was not sure if the grin on her face meant she was genuine or just kidding me along. Nevertheless, I felt frustrated because my bike was still being repaired. "The bike's in the garage, but I can get you a drink here, if you like?" telling
So the pov character is young. He is barely eighteen. He does not have a car. He has a bike. He is in the army. How did he get from one bar to the next? Did he take the tube? I wouldn't write a paragraph about this. I just noticed.
The Disc Jockey began to play an old Buddy Holly song. Judy took hold of my hand. "No, come on I love this record. Come and have a dance with me?" We went to the dance floor and Judy tried to jive with me, but because I had no experience of the dance she soon gave up and we danced a few feet away from each other.
I glanced down a few times at the length of her dress. It wasn't as short as usual and I wondered if what Badger had said about her lack of underwear were true. Mystery. Nice.
The record ended and I thought we would go back to the bar for a drink, but the disc jockey began playing a slow love song and Judy linked her fingers behind my neck as she began an intimate dance. I held her close to my body and it excited me to feel the softness of her breasts pressing against me. My hands were resting above the back of her hips. She felt warm and the thin material of her dress was enhancing the feel of her soft flesh. When I closed my eyes, it gave me a fantasy that she was naked. I was jolted back to reality when I felt the fastener of her suspender on my leg. This was no fantasy, this was better, this was real, exciting and sensual. She began to tease me and I became more excited as she gently bucked her pelvis against me while pulling on the back of my neck as if she were simulating lovemaking. All the time the fragrance of her cream perfume was teasing my senses further. The record finished and Judy moved away grinning as she looked down at my trousers. tension – good
"Well, who's a bit frisky then?" she said. "I think we'd better stop, don't you, before you wet your pants?"
I blushed as we walked to the bar knowing that she had noticed my arousal, and surprised that she had mentioned it. Judy bought the drinks despite my protests. I smiled at her insistence and sat back on my stool, looking at her
trance-like, pov: I didn't realize that he was the one that was trance-like. I thought that it was her.
captivated by her presence as she paid the barman. nice paragraph
"Well, what do you do then?" she asked.
"When?" I replied. asked
Judy looked at me and laughed. "What do you do; no semicolon where do you work?"
"Oh sorry," I said, feeling a bit foolish. "I'm a fireman down at the loco shed." Oh. I thought that he was military, but I probably would know from earlier chapters.
"Oh, that's right. I remember Linda telling me now. That's why you do all those weird shifts. What shift are you on tomorrow then?"
"It's my rest day tomorrow."
"That's handy," she said, and gave me a smile. "Badger's mate, Tommy Hutchins, works there as well. You'll know him then?"
"Yeah, he's a good mate of mine. He's married now."
"Yeah I know, married that Vivien hussy. He could've done better than that, you know?"
"She's all right," I said, but my thoughts were not for Vivien. I was thinking of the earlier dance with Judy. I couldn't seem to get it out of my mind and I wanted to get back onto the dance floor with her. I thought of her body moving against mine and the way she danced in a sensual, teasing and almost obscene way. "Shall we have another dance?" I said. asked
nice inner thoughts
"No thanks, darling, I'm a bit tired."
I noticed her empty glass on the counter and quickly finished my drink. "Do you want another drink then?"
"Not really. I think I'll go home and have an early night for a change. You don't mind, do you?" Judy made no attempt to get up and leave, she just sat waiting, while I sat disappointed, thinking that our time together was about to end. "Well, are you gonna ask me then?" she said.
"Ask you what?"
"Ask me, if you can walk me home."
"Yeah, of course. Can I… Will you let me walk you home?"
Judy laughed as she stood up. "Well that's really nice of you, darling, thank you."
Suggestion: Judy stood up and laughed.
I took Judy's hand as we left the club and set off on the ten-minute walk to her house. She grinned at me as if holding hands surprised her.
She had not done that since her teenage years Change of point of view. He cannot know what she had done since her teenage years.
and she squeezed my hand briefly as a sort of acknowledgement of her nostalgic delight.
Repetition: as
We turned into an area of small terraced houses and began the short walk to the cul-de-sac where Judy lived. "I've hardly stopped dancing tonight," she said. "My legs are really aching."
"I'll carry you home if you like."
"Don't be daft. You couldn't carry me all the way home, could you?"
"Do you wanna bet?" nice
Judy began laughing. "Well go on then, big boy." I bent down and picked her up, putting her over my shoulder
like a sack of potatoes. Cliche. Since he is a fireman, maybe he could think something related to his job. He's probably carried heavier men and woman before.
"No, Brian, not like this. I meant you to carry me in your arms." New paragraph now because she is the one who just spoke. I started to run along the pavement. Start a new paragraph when she speaks. "Stop it, Brian. Will you put me down?" Another new paragraph here. But I ignored her and carried on running to the corner of her road before dropping her back onto the pavement. new paragraph "You bloody fool," she said between her laughter.
We were still giggling when we arrived at her door and I noticed a man at the house opposite peering out from behind the curtains of his bedroom window.
"You've got a nosy neighbour over there. He'll probably complain about the noise," I said, turning to watch Judy search her bag for her door key. She looked at me and smiled before raising her dress, showing her knickers and the flesh above her stocking top while turning to look up at the man. The effect was immediate and the man quickly moved away from the window. "Bloody hell," I said. "That's a bit rude."
"Well I've done him a favour really. The dirty old sod's probably playing with himself now, isn't he?"
I stood
looking , staring – or maybe - , gaping
at her, amazed, stunned almost by her comments. She opened the door and
walked "Walked" is like "looked." There is a wide choice of synonyms or phrases to describe the action. Swung her hips, ambled, strutted, slunk, took her high heels off and tiptoed… Aren't they more interesting?
down the passage. "Well do you want to come in?" she called back. I felt strange as I walked in, knowing that she lived alone and not with her parents like the other girls I usually walked home. I walked into the back living room and saw a young girl asleep in the armchair. Judy woke her up, took out some money from her purse and gave it to the girl. She looked over to me. "Sit down, Brian. I won't be a minute. I've just got to see Heather to her door."
repetition: walked x 3
Suggestion: I thought that the young girl was her daughter. Maybe babysitter? Teenaged girl? Girl about thirteen?
I sat on the sofa and bounced up and down gently as if testing the springs. This is where it all starts, I thought, picturing myself in an embrace with Judy. My thoughts went back to Sandra, the girl I met on the date Kenny had arranged for me, but I was feeling better about it all with Judy. I would be quite happy for her to be my seductress. I bounced on the sofa again. I'll see how it goes, I thought. We'll start necking for a while and then if Judy's willing I'll go through with it this time. I could feel my heartbeat speed up as I heard the front door close. I gripped my hands together tightly, trying to stop myself from shaking. The sound of her footsteps walking up the passage seemed extra loud as I sat in complete silence. I could hear nothing else.
Well done. We can really feel that this is his first time. His innocence is sweet.
Style: Sometimes less is better. Maybe delete: tightly and complete.
The door opened and Judy
walked Walked was just used. Can you find a synonym?
into the room. She stood on one leg and slipped her shoe off, tossed it over onto the armchair and then did the same with the other one. She looked down at her stocking covered feet and wiggled her toes. "Ooo that's better." She
walked Walked was just used. Can you find a synonym?
over to me. "Well get up then," she said abruptly.
I stood up wondering if I had done anything wrong, thinking that she was going to ask me to leave.
She took hold of my hand. "Come on," she said. "Shall we go up to bed?"
The instant shock caught me like a shovel hitting me in the face. I could feel panic starting to run through my body. "I'm a bit dry, how about a cup of coffee first?" I said, trying to look genuine. Well done. This feels honest and sincere.
She smiled and then winked at me. "We'll have some coffee later." She led me to the passage and up the stairs. She still held onto my hand as she opened the bedroom door and
I was noticeably trembling telling
as Try not to use "as" too often.
she led me in.
Repetition: led x 2
I opened my eyes at ten o'clock in the morning to the sound of The Troggs playing on the radio downstairs. I was momentarily confused after waking up in someone else's bed, but then a huge grin beamed across my face as I remembered the intimate and passionate lovemaking that had kept us up until the early hours of the morning. I got out of bed with a smile like a permanent feature on my face. There was an aroma of fried bacon drifting into the room making me feel hungry and I dressed quickly and walked out of the bedroom just as Judy was halfway up the stairs. Pleased with myself, proud almost, I was expecting a comment from Judy about our night of passionate lovemaking.
"Oh good," she said, and then hurried back down. "Well I hope you want a cooked breakfast, lover boy," she shouted back.
I followed her into the living room and looked down at the boy playing on the floor realising I wouldn't get much attention while her little boy, Craig, was there. We chatted over breakfast and I felt frustrated because we couldn't discuss the previous night. I thought about bringing it up, Craig would probably not understand what we were talking about, but I decided against it. If Judy had not said anything, then she would probably get annoyed if I did.
Did one of them brush against the other? Was there some physical demonstration of affection? If not, did he miss it?
After breakfast I messed about on the floor playing with Craig while Judy tidied up in the scullery. I liked the little boy and Craig seemed to have taken to me too. I felt content and felt as if I could stay there forever.
"You'll have to leave now, Brian," Judy said as she walked into the room. "I'm going out." She had brought my jacket from the back door peg and dropped it onto the armchair.
"I'll come with you if you like," I said. "I don't mind."
"No, I'm going to my mother's."
"I'm sure your mum don't bite."
"No, but my brothers do, and you don't want no trouble with them, do you?"
I put on my jacket, all the time looking at Judy, thinking of the wonderful experiences of the previous night and wishing that we could return to the bedroom. I watched Judy putting her son in his pushchair and knew it wasn't to be.
We left the house and walked up to the corner of the cul-de-sac. Walked again.
"Well, I'm off across the common. I'll see you soon, Brian."
I put my arms around her and tried to kiss her, but she pushed me away.
"Don't, Brian, people are watching, you know?"
I looked down at the pushchair and saw Craig looking up at me. I smiled at the boy and then looked back at Judy. "Can I see you tonight?"
Looked x 3
"No, Brian, I've got something on."
"Well when then?"
"I'll be about. I'm not going anywhere, am I? Look, I've gotta go. I'm really late." Judy gave me a smile and walked off. Walked again.
I called after her. "I can meet you in The Ship one night, or I'll pop round here, if you like."
New paragraph She put her hand up, but didn't answer. I couldn't wait to see her again, and I set off back to Locksford with my mind buzzing with thoughts and images of the previous night. I knew I had strong feelings for Judy, after our night of passion, and I was glad that I had a special woman like her as my girlfriend.
His naivety is sweet.
I was feeling terrific. I didn't want to go home just yet and decided to call for a drink at the Railway Hotel, knowing there would be none of my friends in The Ring O'Bells, but there was were sure to be some a few lads from the locomotive depot in the hotel. The late night of passion plus the lunchtime drinks with my workmates made me drowsy and when I set off home on the bus, I found it difficult to stay awake. I looked over at The Meadowview estate as the bus went past and remembered my date with Kathy. I didn't really want to meet her now that I had Judy, but I thought it would be unfair to let her down again. I would meet her, but I would have to tell her that it was a mistake or something. However, I didn't really want to two-time Judy and wondered if she found out, would she finish with me without giving me a chance to explain. It was a dilemma, but I knew I couldn't stand Kathy up again. It just wasn't right. I would meet her, have a quick drink in a quiet pub and take her home. After all, Lynn was the one I was really interested in, but she was courting and now that I was as well, Kathy didn't fit in anywhere.
Oo, he's all over the place with the girls. This adds mystery.
Be careful about repetition, not only with words in the same paragraph, but also throughout the entire chapter. Be careful of repeating phrases or ideas as well. The word passion was used often in the chapter.
I got off the bus at the village and walked down to my parents' terraced house. I walked into the small front garden and looked at the spots of oil on the paving stones where my motorbike should be. As I walked into the house I could smell dinner cooking and knew my mother would have put some dinner on for me.
Walked x 3
"Oh, so you've decided to come home then?" my father said.
"I wish you would let us know when you're planning to stop out all night," my mother called from the kitchen. "We've been worrying all day about you."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I had a bit too much to drink and stopped at Kenny's house again. Dinner smells good."
"It won't be long, another ten minutes or so."
"That motorbike fellow called last night," my father said. "He said the bike will be ready tomorrow and he'll drop it round."
I smiled, it should have been the best of news for me , but thoughts and images of intimacy with Judy were dominating my mind. telling
We enjoyed a feast of liver, bacon and all the trimmings. It was as usual, a large meal and I felt bloated. I sat on the sofa relaxing while my parents got ready to go and visit my sister Linda. I thought about going with them, but I was tired and decided to stay at home and have a sleep on the sofa before getting ready to meet Kathy. This leads us into the next chapter, but perhaps it could be done with a bit more tension.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work. Please take any suggestions you like and disregard the rest because only you know what is right for your writing.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/...
http://www.englishgrammarsecrets.com/questionstags...
http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/which_that_...
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