Hi Krystxn,
Would you do something for me please? Since your chapters are not very short, could you post them separately? It would make it easier for me to review them, especially if I do not have a large block of time. As I have said before, your story is very interesting, so I want to read it. Smaller blocks would just make it easier for me.
Once, again, I think that you have a great story. We have established that, so let me jump to suggestions.
You wrote:
“She felt an instant connection with Jade, as if they were meant to be friends.”
I am not sure that this is true. What do you think about this instead:
“She felt a growing connection with Jade, as if they were meant to be friends.”
When I go back and review my writing, I often notice that I use the word “begin” a lot. So when I start editing my stories, I convert the word “begin” often. For example,
You wrote:
“She then began gliding, only metres above the ground, over the land.”
Suggestion:
“She then glided, only metres above the ground, over the land.”
Sometimes, when I just used the word “began,” and I need to use it soon after, I replace it with “started” to vary things a bit. Sometimes I try to paraphrase my original sentence.
You wrote:
“The sun began rising behind the hills,…”
Suggestion:
“The sun started rising behind the hills,” or “The rays from the rising sun shown from behind the hills,”
or “The sun’s rays reached from behind the hills,”
It seems to me that sometimes you use a comma when you should use a semi- colon. If you are not sure, try asking yourself if each part of the sentence could stand alone as a single sentence.
You wrote:
“So many thoughts were rushing through her head, she felt sorry for raising her voice on Jade, she should have presented herself better, they only just met.”
Suggestion:
“So many thoughts were rushing through her head; she felt sorry for raising her voice on Jade; she should have presented herself better; they only just met.”
Or
“So many thoughts were rushing through her head that she felt sorry for raising her voice on Jade. She should have presented herself better; after all, they only just met.”
Here are a few more of your sentences that you could look at:
“Thank you Jade, but I don’t think I can eat that, I’m sorry.”
“We must go, we do not have much time.”
There were others. Can you find them?
I absolutely loved this part:
“My father.” She whispered.”
I really did not expect this. Excellent.
Now, Krystxn, I honestly do not think that you used spell check because I found several spelling mistakes. It only takes a few seconds to use it before posting your chapter. What do you think?
A few examples:
“…but kept enough weight on her sp that she could not get up…”
I think that you meant “….on her so that…”
This one is not misspelled, but it is the wrong word:
You wrote:
“The girl and the dragon have set back out plans a few days, but we will not have to wait for long.”
But did you mean:
“The girl and the dragon have set back our plans a few days, but we will not have to wait for long.”
How about this one:
You wrote:
“Serena nodded, she could barely move. Jade jumped into the trees in one swift motion and dissappeared among the branches. Knowing she was along, Serena let herself fall back into the grass and closed her eyes.”
Is this better?
“Serena nodded, she could barely move. Jade jumped into the trees in one swift motion and disappeared among the branches. Knowing she was alone, Serena let herself fall back into the grass and closed her eyes.”
Note: “disappeared” and “alone”
You wrote:
“surprised at how lighting the dragon put her down”
Suggestion:
“surprised at how lightly the dragon put her down”
There were a couple of word combinations that I thought should be hyphenated:
“dagger like” suggestion “dagger-like”
“half open” suggestion “half-open”
“bow like” ….
It seems to me that you spoke about how much better it smelt in two different places. Is that right? Anyway, it felt like a repetition when I read it.
Somewhere you wrote “anyways.” Maybe “anyway” would be better.
I did not list everything that I saw in this review. There are more spelling mistakes and other mistakes. Your story is great, and you are a very good writer, but you need to proof this again yourself. Please remember that I am not an English professor, and I still make mistakes.
The 3.0 rating is because of all the errors. If you clean up your errors before posting, I will give a higher rating.
Keep writing, and please make smaller posts if you want remarks about spelling and punctuation like above,
Thanks,
Tadpole1
P. S. I hope that you found this helpful.
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
