Fyn – Phoebe’s Hope
               
Hi everyone. Any of my comments or suggestions are just that: comments or suggestions. They are always given with respect and the hopes that they will be helpful. If you don’t agree with them, just ignore them; after all, you know what is best for your story. 
What I liked best: the emotional dialogue between mother and daughter
Plot: Sarah discovers a glen in the middle of the forest where she imagines faeries could live. The faeries overhear Sarah and her friend, Cate, talking. After the friends leave, the two faeries discuss Sarah and her daughter’s illness. Moira, the rebel faery, decides to visit Phoebe in the hospital to help the best she can. When Sarah returns to the glen, Moira gives her words of encouragement and a pebble filled with hope to give Phoebe.
Hook: I think the hook could be stronger. I gave a suggestion.
Tension: Yes, and it was strongest in the dialogue between mother and daughter. More tension could be added if the two faeries fought about Moira’s idea of going to see the bigfolks and then again when the green faery learns that Moira broke the rules. Just a thought if you wanted to add more tension between the faeries.
Confusions: Yes. It was not always clear who was talking.
Style & Voice -- Concerning style: My comments will assume that you would like to write either in first person or third person limited. However, I would like to point out that many, if not most, of the books that I have bought recently use the omniscient point of view. Ultimately, style is the author's choice.
Style: Try to avoid repetitions.
Style: Action tags can be used to not only show who the speaker is but also to give snippets of setting.
Scene/Setting: I think there could be more.
In the setting, I’ll include not only the tiny glen but also the way each faery looked and moved. There is so much that could be done to make the magic twinkle.
Remember to use the senses. What does it smell like in the glen? Does it smell different the second time? Does the faery ring have a pleasant odor? Does it smell like, I don’t know, jasmine? Melting snow? Growing grass? Apple blossoms?
What does the hospital room smell like to Sarah?
Is it warm in the glen? Is the sun shining? Is it hot? Does it smell like pine? Like freshly overturned earth?
How do Phoebe’s little arms feel when Sarah touches them?
Characters:
Phoebe: A brave little girl who has leukemia
Sarah: her sad mother
Moira: a purple faery – the rebel
Cyrella: a green faery
Cate: Sarah’s girlfriend
Make the faeries come to life with beauty. Does the light show through their translucent wings? Do they wear little slippers? Do their wings have designs on them? Is one of them obviously vain? Is the other obviously not? Can you give them each a distinctive voice?
Does the pebble feel cool or warm when Sarah or Phoebe hold it?
Grammar: Generally speaking, independent clauses combined with conjunctions should have commas.
Connect two independent clauses (sentences) that are joined with a conjunction (and, or, but, so, etc.) with a comma. You made this mistake multiple times. It’s not difficult to learn.
Incorrect:
A bird sang and a cat watched.
A bird sang but the deaf girl couldn’t hear it.
Correct:
A bird sang, and a cat watched.
A bird sang, but the deaf girl couldn’t hear it.
Granted, more and more people seem to be ignoring this rule intentionally.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/...
http://www.englishgrammarsecrets.com/questionstags...
http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/which_that_...
http://wps.ablongman.com/long_faigley_penguinhb_1/...
http://grammartips.homestead.com/compoundsentences...
Just My Personal Opinion:
Hi Fyn,
This is very beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes several times because I know who it was written for. It is a very lovely gesture, and I’m sure that it has touched many people’s hearts.
I particularly enjoyed the dialogue between Sarah and Phoebe. It flowed beautifully.
How could the story be improved? I think that embellishing the faery scenes would be candy for the imagination. Also, I think that using action tags to identify the speakers, giving setting in the process, could add pep to the scenes.
All in all, a lovely story of encouragement and hope.
Thank you for sharing,
Tadpole1
P. S. Of course, it was a “pebble” that offered hope!
Tadpole1 
Phoebe’s Hope
Three weeks after Sarah stumbled
into Suggestion: “upon,” this shows that she enters the glade for the first time.
the glade in the woods, she brought
someone Vague. Suggestion: Cate
with her to see what she’d found. She and her friend got down on their hands and knees and crept forward, under the branches of a large pine and back out into the dappled sunlight.
I’ve already read all the way through and am coming back to check the hook. I think it could be stronger. Maybe something like:
Sarah tugged Cate’s arm, pulling her through the forest and toward the hidden glen. “See? Doesn’t this look like a faery ring?”
She fell to her knees and pointed to a dozen tiny mushrooms aligned in a perfect circle.
“Remember that day I just ran and ran? The day I was so upset? Well, I ended up running here and tripped and fell. From where I landed, I could just see where we are now. I lay there, under
the ?? that ?? that tree,” she pointed, “and cried.”
tree and cried. Then, I really looked at what was in front of me. And, you know? I felt just a bit better. Not a lot, but lighter somehow. I know it is silly, but I feel like this is a magic faery glade.” I have one of those in my short story the Traveling Stick. Grin.
“It isn’t silly,”
replied her friend, Cate. Suggestion: Cate said.
Repetition: We already know that Cate is her friend.
“Sometimes, we need to grab on to anything at all that can make us feel even the slightest bit better. It does feel magical. You need to show this to Phoebe. Well, when she gets out of the hospital. She’d love it!”
I imagine diagonal lights streaming through the trees on the way to the glade, and lush green grass sprinkled with four leaf clovers surrounding a small boulder and its big brother.
Sarah nodded. “She would, wouldn’t she? I want to take some pictures of it to show her.” Still lying on the ground and balancing on her elbows, she took several pictures of the small mushrooms, one of an iridescent blue butterfly comma and another of a ladybug crawling through the grass.
Is the grass soft? Is it warm? What does she smell? Pine?
Cate grinned at
her friend. Vague. Give her a name so that we can identify with her. Wait…her name is Sarah. I see it a few lines below. I would use it here.
“She will love them. Maybe you could make up a story for her. One with faeries and the like.”
“Certainly is the perfect place for them! If they would be anywhere,
it is here! Suggestion: they would be here!
” She Is this Cate? Wait. No. It must be Sarah.
looked at her watch. “I need to get back to the hospital. Thank you for coming with me today. She will be so happy to see you!”
“I’ll be happy to see her too . Sarah? You were right, I think. There’s just something about this place. I feel better, too. Is this foreboding? Is Cate ill? If so, very subtle. Great job.
*~*
After the women crept away, a minuscule faery crept out from behind the biggest mushroom. Not much more than a purple and pink flash of light when she flew, standing there, she was a vision in a myriad of purpled hues. Her short blond hair was a riot of tumbled curls and she smiled as she watched the women leave. Another faery, this one clothed in green, landed nearby.
Repetition: purple
Suggestion: change the first one to violet or lavender
Repetition: crept
Suggestion: change the first one to left
Suggestion: Give them names right away so that we can identify with them.
After the women left, Moira, a minuscule faery crept out from…
“Those the ladies you told me about?” asked Cyrella, the green faery.
“Yes,” said Moira, the purple one.
If you identify Moira as the purple one higher up like I suggested, then instead of telling us who she is here, you could give and action sprinkled with setting. For example:
“Yes,” Moira tucked a wave of iridescent hair behind her pointed ear.
“The Sarah-lady is so sad inside.” I’m not sure who is saying this, but it’s easy to fix with an action tag.
Cyrella twitched the tip of her right wing. “The Sarah-lady is so sad inside. I can feel it.”
“I know, but she is sad for her little girl. Most of the bigfolk only think about themselves. Not
her.” This is a bit ambiguous, but I think that you mean the little girl and not Sarah.
“I wish magic worked the way bigfolk think it does,” mused Cyrella.
Suggestion: Instead of her musing, perhaps, she pushes the dirt around with the tip of her slipper?
“Yeah, me too. I looked in her mind. Her little girl is so beautiful.”
Suggestion: (to show who is speaking)
“Yeah, me too. I looked into her mind,” Moira said, “and her little girl is so beautiful. She is like a scintillating dewdrop when the sun is rising.”
“You mean she is pretty?” Cyrella’s eyes grew wide in expectation.
“Well, she is that and her hair is short and curly like mine! But no, I mean inside, where it counts.”
“Ah, her mother is too.” Cyrella’s wings sparkled happily.
Moira nodded. “Think they will come back?”
“I think so, especially when they figure out their fancy camera-phones can’t take pictures here. I felt bad about that,
but,” and she shrugged. Suggestion:
but…” she shrugged.
“It is what it is. For our safety, after all.”
“I know. She will think she moved when she realizes they are out of focus. I hope she comes back. I think she needs us. Put an action here to remind us who is talking. Let me check…
Moira does something here. It is nice to be needed.”
“She definitely needs good thoughts now. I know that the bigfolk believe in other things way more than us faeries, but maybe we can help her some. Cyrella wiggled her ears. If she does come back, that is.”
“I bet she does, we are very close to where her little girl is, after all.” Give us an action from Moira. Something that lets us know how she feels.
*~*
Sarah sat with her little girl in the big hospital bed.
Big hospital bed sounds simple.
Suggestion: Sara sat on the side of Phoebe’s bed, stroking her daughter’s arm near the place where they nurses had taped the needle for the drip. (Just an idea – and a long-winded one at that!)
She and Phoebe were having a good morning together. The horrible meanie headaches, as Phoebe called them, were leaving her head alone and so she and her Mother were drawing
picture either “a picture” or “pictures”
of faeries. Sarah had told her daughter about the pretty little faery glen she’d found. Rather than being disappointed about the pictures, Phoebe decided they should draw their own.
I love the word glen. Leave it to the child to guide the parent to optimism.
“Look, Mommy. I drew a pretty purple
faery,” said Phoebe holding up her picture. This is fine, but you could also write it without the word “said.”
faery.” Phoebe held up her picture.
“I bet that is exactly what a faery living there would look like!”
said her mom. Suggestion: Sara clapped and smiled at her daughter.
“Can we put it up on the wall, over there?” she asked, pointing to the wall across from her bed. “Then I can see it when I wake up!”
Repetition: wall
Suggestion: “Can we hang it up over there?” Phoebe pointed to the wall across from the foot of her bed. “Then I can see it when I wake up!”
“That is a good idea. Is this a good place?” asked her mom, holding it up to the wall.
Suggestion: “That is a good idea.” Sarah crossed the room and held it up to the wall. “Is this a good place?”
“Uh huh,” replied Phoebe, yawning. “I’m awfully tired, Mommy.”
“Then why don’t you take a little nap, sweetheart. C’mon, cuddle up. Maybe you’ll dream of the faeries!”
“I’d like to dream of faeries,” she said sleepily.
*~*
“You didn’t? Moira! You know we are not supposed to go to the bigfolk places! What if you’d been seen or,” Cyrella shuddered delicately, “been caught?” Love this!
“I know, but I had to go. I needed to see the little girl. Phoebe has leukemia. She’s awfully sick, but she’s got the brightest smile. I don’t know how she does it.” Really nice.
“Does what?”
“Smile after the night that child had. She was really hurting. I peeked. It was like her head was exploding. Her mom, that Sarah-lady? She sat there holding her all night long. Don’t worry. She wouldn’t have seen me if I was standing there as big as she is! Her eyes and her thoughts were all for her little Phoebe. I tried to give her mom a bit of a good, hopeful nudge, but I don’t think I helped her any.” This is very good – very emotional. Now, just add an action from Moira so that we know who is talking. You can have her interact with the setting at the same time.
“Probably not, she is too worried about her child.” What is Cyrella doing? Is it day? Is it night? Is she sitting on a branch staring down at the moon’s reflection in a puddle? Steam?
“Phoebe was drawing pictures of our glade today. She drew a picture of me! She even got my colors right!” smiled Moira. Have Moira do an action that shows she is proud of her beauty.
“Uh huh. Nudged her, too, didn’t you?” Cyella must be grinning.
Moira looked the tiniest bit guilty. “Well, maybe a little,” she allowed. “I just want to help somehow.”
“The medicine the bigfolk are giving her will do that,” said Cyrella. Is Cyrella swinging her legs back and forth? What is she doing with her body?
“I know that,” Moira said sharply. “But staying positive will help all of them, won’t it? Do you know she has a daddy and a big brother? Her brother’s name is Jack. He is so good with her. He brings her surprises and plays with her.” Did Moira get so excited that she is walking along the branch?
“Hmm,” said Cyrella. “My big brother never played with me! Her brother must really love her!”
“He does,” smiled Moira. “It really shows, too. They are a very
nice loving
family. They shouldn’t have to be going through this,”
she continued, sadly. Show her sadness. Does she wipe a tear?
“No one should,” agreed the
other faery. vague – and I think that this is Cyrella – but the next sentence seems to be Cyrella too. Hmm.
“Well, you’ve seen them now. You are not going to go back, are you?”
Moira
looked at Maybe she wipes a grain of sand off? An action instead of simply looking.
the mushroom she was sitting on. She shrugged. “Maybe.”
“You can’t.” Is Cyrella staring at her? Shaking an emerald green finger at her?
Moira looked at her friend. “I can’t not,” she said
simply. Maybe an action instead? Does she lift her chin? Lower her eyes? Cross her arms?
*~*
“How do you spell Moira?” asked Phoebe.
“M-o-i-r-a,” answered her mother. They were drawing more faery pictures a few days later. “Why?”
“That’s the faery’s name. I had a nice dream about her. It made me feel happy. She said I should think about the faery glade when my mean old headachies come. Do you think it will help?” I love the dialogue between mother and daughter.
“It just might, sweetie,” said her mother. “It certainly couldn’t hurt any!”
“Mommy? Can you go back and see the faery place again? Maybe you could bring one of my pictures and leave it there. I bet the faeries would like it!”
Tension: Nice emotional tension is building.
“Of course, I can do that,”
smiled her mom. Maybe she is touching her, stroking her somewhere? Maybe she straightens Phoebe’s white hospital gown/ yellow pajamas/blanket? The action tags can give us dribbles of setting without us even knowing it.
“Maybe I can go when your daddy comes later.”
“Okay,” Phoebe smiled.
Maybe something like:
“Okay.”
Phoebe smiled, and Sarah tried not to notice the dark circles under her daughter’s eyes.
“I’m going to draw an extra pretty one for my Moira-faery.” Phoebe picked up a crayon and started drawing. A little bit later though, the crayon dropped from her ?? slender ?? hand and she was sound asleep. Sarah picked up the picture. It was of a purple fairy sitting on a mushroom. Next to it, Phoebe had drawn her mom sitting on the ground
looking at Suggestion: gazing at
There are loads of synonyms for look: gaze, stare, study, etc. Look and walk are generic words that we usually can find a more precise synonym for.
the faery.
Later that afternoon, after her nap, Phoebe finished her picture. “Do you think the faery will like it, Mommy?”
“Of course. I thought you’d draw one of you and the faery.”
“I drew you because I want you to see her too!”
“Ah,” said Sarah. “You never know, maybe I will!” Really beautiful. Because I know who this is for, it really touches me.
*~*
Later that afternoon, Sarah
walked Walk is a pretty generic word. Maybe an interesting synonym or phrase instead?
zigzagged through the trees
back to the faery glen. In her pocket was the carefully folded picture her daughter had drawn. Sitting on a nearby root, Sarah removed the picture from her pocket, unfolded it and placed it near the mushrooms. She found a small rock and placed it on the edge of the picture so it wouldn’t blow away. Leaning back against the tree, Sarah closed her eyes for a moment. She was so very tired. She was trying to be so strong for everyone, but it was so hard. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her whole life.
A gentle breeze ruffled her hair and a meadowlark sang cheerfully nearby. After a few minutes, Sarah relaxed and
fell asleep. This is simple. Maybe: The sun shone on Sarah’s face. She relaxed, and her eyelids grew heavy.
If she is awake here, have her eyes flutter open or something.
She saw a purple faery standing on Phoebe’s drawing. She was smiling when she looked over to Sarah.
New paragraph. “You must be Moira. Phoebe said that is your name. I’m Sarah.”
“I know and I am,” smiled the faery. Her voice sounded like a myriad of tiny bells on the breeze.
Smiling is good, but the word is used very often throughout the story, perhaps another action instead?
“Phoebe wanted me to see you. I can’t believe I am,” said Sarah softly.
“Stranger things have happened,” said Moira. “I’m not allowed to really let the bigfolk see me, but since you are asleep, I’m taking a chance. I want to tell you something. You know that magic, the way bigfolk think of magic, at any rate, isn’t really real, right?”
Sarah nodded. “I wish it were though.”
“You’d wish all this away. I know.”
Sarah nodded, a tear slipping unnoticed down her cheek.
“In your world, there is another kind of magic bigger than anything I could do. Do you want me to tell you what it is?” Moira didn’t even pause, but kept talking as she flitted over to Sarah’s bent-up knee. “It is right in there,” she continued, pointing at Sarah’s heart. “And in there,” she said, pointing to Sarah’s head. “You see, Phoebe simply believes. Belief is a very strong magic. So are the prayers you bigfolk say.” Beautiful.
Moira sat and continued. “You have to believe she will be okay. You all do. Heart and mind. When she hurts, you have to believe it the hardest! It doesn’t always work, just like your bigfolk prayers don’t, but without believing there is nothing. It is very, very important!”
Sarah looked at the little faery. “It is so hard. I am so frightened for her.”
“I know you are. How can you not be? It is okay to be scared. But believe she will get better!”
“Phoebe said she had a dream about you.”
“I know,” Moira said. “I tried to help her a little. See that pebble over there?” Moira pointed underneath the biggest mushroom. Sarah reached over and picked it up. It was grey and pink and it sparkled.
“Put it in a little bag or something that Phoebe can hold. Tell her you found it here and that it has a teensy bit of faery magic in it. It won’t make her stop hurting and it can’t stop her headaches, but it is full of something that can help her.” Beautiful.
“What is it full of?” asked Sarah.
“What do you think?” Moira questioned in return.
“Hope?” Beautiful.
“Exactly. Hope is the most powerful magic there is. It is time to wake up now, Sarah comma and go back to your precious Phoebe. She is a most special little girl, as are both your children. You are very lucky, colon or dash instead of comma your husband and you.
Wake up now.”
*~*
“And so I woke up and in my hand was this little pebble.” Sarah handed it to Phoebe.
“A magic pebble, Mommy!” squealed Phoebe.
“A hope-pebble we can share!” Suggestion: And it’s full of hope!
1993 words
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work. Please take any suggestions you like and disregard the rest because only you know what is right for your writing.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/...
http://www.englishgrammarsecrets.com/questionstags...
http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/which_that_...
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Dogs has masters. 