Hi, Websterb,
Since you asked, I can help answer some of your specific questions as they relate to this obviously ongoing story.
As for the dialogue, it all works fine, but there is a pattern to it that you need to be aware of, if you're not already. Or, I should say, a pattern to be avoided. There are a lack of contractions in the dialogue that results in stiff, overly formal speech.
"I'd like to tell you a story Mr. Akazawa. It's a true story, by which I mean I'll narrate a personal experience.
In the line above, I've inserted contractions wherever possible. This doesn't mean I suggest you do it this way, or that this character is the one who should speak like this. But somebody should We just don't want all our characters to "sound" alike or speak alike. The "way" a person speaks can identify them as much as any clothing, scars, or other physical artifacts.
In this particular section, Toro has too little to say, I think. He is very quiet, although he does think a great deal. That's okay if it fits the story. I'd like to see something where Toro himself notices, however, that Urawa is doing all the talking.
Secondly, your paragraphs are too dense. Firstly, did I mention how well written I thought this was? If not, let me do so now Really. That said, your paragraphs are too dense What I mean is that they are too long and contain too much information for being individual paragraphs. What follows are your first two paragraphs that I have broken in places where I think it works better. See what you think.
I was in the kitchen making coffee when the letter finally arrived. I heard the violent clash of the letterbox, a signal for the morning post. From outside a grey light trickled in through somber clouds.
I resisted the urge to go and look immediately and waited until the coffee was freshly brewed and I had poured myself a cup. I couldn’t stop my heart beating in anticipation, just as it did every morning at this time.
It had been a month now and waiting had become a piece of my life. I wonder whether part of me wanted this to continue indefinitely. Waiting has purpose, when the wait was over I knew everything would change. Maybe I wasn't ready for that.
I walked through the small corridor that joined the kitchen to the living room and entrance. I avoided my reflection in the hallway mirror. Seeing an unshaven specter of myself in my frayed dressing gown was not something that was going to lift my spirits.
The post had landed in a chaotic jumble. I crouched down and carefully sifted through (the pile). I pushed away pizza delivery leaflets, bills and various junk mail to find, quietly sitting at the bottom, a small white envelope that had my name and address carefully printed in small blocked letters.
Okay, I'm back and I hope that was helpful. One of the reasons I dislike first person, present tense, is because it limits the amount of description we can write about. Everything has to be seen and experienced from a single POV, which is difficult to express, but especially hard to elaborate with lots of adjectives or "objective" observations about things.
Given the limitations of first person, you appear to be doing a good enough job of it. All you're really left with is dialogue and plot, so it better be good -- really good -- and captivating. I don't know if you achieve that, but it is too early to tell. Depends on what's in the letter and who this Urawa guy is.
In closing, the writers who do well with dialogue understand that it doesn't have to just "sound" real or authentic. It has to be "alive" and exude all those things we normally take for granted. Things like sneezing, coughing, sniffing, hesitating, clearing one's throat, spitting, swallowing, and a hundred other nuances that make the dialogue come to life, instead of just being words on the page. This is something that even in first person, can be described with great effect.
And characters also interrupt each other, sometimes frequently. A lot of authors avoid interrupted speech because it forces them to use what's called an "ellipsis". I've made a science out of the use of this little devil, so let me know if you want to know more
I hope this is helpful and seriously, let me know if you have any more questions.
Bob
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