*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/timtuink/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: ON
581 Public Reviews Given
582 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 ... Next
126
126
Review of Drowning...  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Princess Z,

Bob here, and I'm reviewing this eerie, creepy poem as part of the review package gifted to you by Samberine.

I love this. It's eerie, it's creepy, it's deep, and it's powerful, in no particular order. One stanza in particular is so good, that the poem deserves five stars for these words alone:

Struggling to breathe as I hit rock bottom,
salt from my eyes melt into the sea of fears.

These are two of the most beautiful lines in any poem I've ever read. Whether in context, or taken out separately, the magnificent symbolism of salty tears mixing with not just the ocean, but a "sea of fears" is nothing short of extraordinary, be it prose or poetry.

We're all of us familiar with the burial terms, "...ashes to ashes, dust to dust." But given the concept that all life was spawned in the oceans of the world, the idea of the salt from our eyes once again returning to the salt of the waters is breathtaking in its implications and inference. I've simply never seen or read a better juxtaposition of words as part of an extended theme.

I dare say these lines can stand alone, almost as a separate work, so poignant, indeed prophetic are they. The rest of the poem which is terrific as well, is quite literally icing on the cake, or rather, ice on an iceberg, I should say *Smile*

And cold this poem is. Dark and cold. If the last line doesn't make you shiver as though you just jumped off the sinking Titanic into frigid waters, you're already dead.

This work is one of those rare gems that is such a treat to behold, that one is never quite the same exact way after having read it. If this doesn't win numerous awards, there's simply no justice in the world. My only regret is that I'm limited to five stars.

I'm still going to review another poem by this writer, and even if it sucks (which is highly doubtful) I might still have to give it an extra star just because it's by the same person who wrote this.

So, good work Princess Z. I usually don't go on and on about any single piece of work, not to this extent, but every word here is justified, deserved, and warranted.

By the way, the comma is missing after "back" at the end of the line in the fifth stanza, and after "floor" in the sixth. Please try to do a better job next time, thanks. *Smile*

Bob

** Image ID #1729366 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
127
127
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, QO,

This is Bob, again, and I found this little piece to be of interest because it allows me to show you what a nearly perfect version of your original writing ought to look like. I say "nearly perfect" because there is always more than one way to punctuate (and write) a given piece of work.

The story itself relates a brief, nice-enough faux pas that we all can relate to, in one way or another. But it is the writing itself that begs for attention from a slew of minor errors and awkward sentence structure. I felt this was a great opportunity for you to see the weaknesses here, and not be too insulted or discouraged by my seemingly arrogant rewriting of your original words.

Please compare the version below with your own, and note the differences, some or which are subtle, others more pronounced. This is also a potentially viable template against which other, similar works might be judged as well. And for which there is no additional charge *Smile* I'll sign off at the very end.


Working through lunchtime one day, while I was clerking for the Supervising Department of the Superior Court in Vista California, an incident occurred that was both bizarre and embarrassing. Normally either Karen or I would lock the courtroom door at noon, and then reopen it after lunch. But on this one occasion, neither of us had remembered to lock it.

I had worked through my lunch hour, trying to get caught up on the nagging paperwork that sat piled in my in-box. I had also picked up a Substitution of Attorney document filed by counsel, who had withdrawn from representing a client and replaced the paperwork with a new counsel-of-record.

The new name which I then substituted in place of the former attorney, struck me as odd -- to say the least. The title reminded me of something from medieval England; it was straight out of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, and those other legends that I loved reading about in the primary and elementary grades.

I couldn’t resist voicing an offhand thought and remarked, “What mother on earth, would be in her right mind to name her son Thor Emblem?"

As I talked, the door opened and in came this attorney who announced, “That’s me!”

Karen and I sheepishly glanced at each other, both of us motionless and speechless. What chance did I have, to be so lucky as to have been caught with my foot planted firmly inside of my mouth?

Hi, again, I'm back. As you can see, a piece like this lends itself to a variety of styles and techniques. Mine is only one which represents my own style. All of the punctuation, however, is very accurate and worth paying close attention to. If you have any questions as to why I changed the things I did, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm available 24/7, 365 *Smile*
Bob

** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
128
128
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, QueenOwl,

I really enjoyed your article on the seeming contradictions and discrepancies found in the English language.

Hi, this is Bob, and this is the first of two reviews that will go towards fulfilling your gift package from Patrick. I have answers to the questions you raise about English, and Mr. Webster in particular *Smile* so I felt this would be a good piece to start out with.

There are some minor grammar and punctuation issues here and there, but overall, I found the writing itself to be excellent, well structured, and logical in its presentation. The conclusions drawn, while sensible, do, however, illustrate a common misunderstanding of English, both its contemporary usage and its origins.

The source of word origins is a field of study known as etymology. It is not uncommon for definitions in English to appear contradictory or strange when analyzed at "face value" as it's called. Nor does any fault lie with Mr. Webster or the other "big name" dictionary brands used as standard reference works.

Just as in science, where purely scientific words must mean the same not just in America, but in every country of the world, the words themselves are not only the same, but their pronunciation is identical. Numerals, you may have noticed, are the same the world over, regardless of culture. Math, of course, is a universal language, thus its graphical constructs -- the symbols used -- must also remain the same for everyone. But I digress *Smile*

English is an amalgam, an aggregate, and in some ways a bastardization of many different languages. And not just European. England was conquered by Nordic countries as well as Europeans, and each invading country added its own words to a common tongue. Even today, many words used in English exist virtually unchanged from the culture in which they originated.

When certain terms appear illogical, especially those which are formed by combining two or more words together to form a single word, it is inappropriate to assume that the "root" words retain their original meanings. Just as in grammar, where some rules make no sense logically, and proper usage must simply be memorized, so it is that the meaning of some words must also be memorized and used accordingly.

In the case of "spendthrift", I could make an educated guess as to how such a word came about. Or I could do an etymological internet search of the word and find the exact history of its origins. I have done such searches in the past and it is surprising how often it turns out that the record offers "guesses" only, without any real documentation.

A term like spendthrift is probably "old" English, or might come from as late as the American Depression during the 1930's. The word likely refers to the act of spending (away) thrift itself. It is thrift that is spent instead of frugality, if you catch the meaning. Thus we need to exercise caution when doing "literal" translations, which is true, of course, of almost any language.

Thanks again for a stimulating article that not only asks good questions, but phrases them in almost near perfect English. *Smile*

Bob

** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
129
129
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, SM.

Bob, here, back for a second look as part of your review package from Patrick. Wow, and I'm glad I did, too. This is a great companion piece to the short story I reviewed the first time. This is the flip side where redemption is no longer an option -- we're well past that -- and it's pure survival until death takes its inevitable toll. This is the kid who already gave up, who can no longer be saved, whose victimization is complete, and who stalks the asphalt jungle virtually no different from the stealthy predators who wait to pounce from the overhead branches of a more typical rainforest.

This piece is reminiscent of those films and stories about demonic possession where the question prevails as to how much, if anything, remains of the original, innocent person who existed prior to being taken over. Is there anything left of the child inside the criminal? This powerful, compelling work gives us a brief glimpse into that timeless question. And provides an answer. In this case, the "boy" is still intact, despite his inability to never find his way back.

For a brief moment, the wild tiger returns to his kitten roots and remembers how there was a better way -- one which has its own honor, but is weak and vulnerable, and could never be his way. He wants the grim reminder removed for it haunts and taunts him. It's the same way someone will find him one day. And he hopes the person will make the call for him as well. And maybe he can join the woman wherever she's taken. And he can ask her to forgive him.

This is a terrific look at the dark side of street life. regrettably we know it's true. That it's authentic. And the author brings it to uncompromising life as vividly as a film in high definition.

In the paragraphs below, I found a few small glitches that I felt needed pointing out:

Moistness filled my eyes as I stared at her body.

In the line above, I questioned "moistness". An "unfamiliar wetness welled" in my eyes -- is better, I think. See what you think.

Why’d you get killed here? Why must you remind me of a past I will never return to? I "kill" people; death is part of my life.

In the line above, I change a couple of the words. See what you think. "Lifestyle" just didn't seem to fit.

"If" people don’t pay for service rendered, they die. "When" off-turf guys invade, they die.

Notice in the line above, I added "if" and "when" because it's a little unclear without them.

Other than that, this is one fine piece of writing that deserves all the recognition and accolades I can give it. Bravo.

I do have one major gripe, however.

What's up with your poetry not being available for standard reviews? OMG, I took a look and they're every bit as good as your stories. I wanted to review one or two, but you won't let me. I'll try not to take it personally *Smile*

Great work, truly.
Bob

** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
130
130
Review of Love You To Death  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, SM,

My name is Bob and I'm reviewing a couple of your pieces as part of the review package gifted by Patrick. I like this for a number of reasons, so I'll try to be both brief and thorough *Smile*

At first glance, or first read, a short but poignant work like this is too easily and too quickly passed over or dismissed as just another "feel good" piece. Far from it. What makes this so good is that it is so much more. There is a lesson here to be learned by all of us, and if we're wise, we will heed its message.

I have to digress a moment and ask why Lethal Weapon 4 was left out of your movie list. Plus The Black Stallion and War Horse. Just wondering. We have a Maine Coon who needs a prolonged hug every night. Really. But I digress. Now where was I?

Ah, I remember thinking, if only O.J. Simpson (and other killers) had employed similar thoughts to our main character. I suppose that's what separates the true sociopaths from others whose emotional pain drives them to drastic actions, but for whom redemption is possible, right up to the last moment.

I suspect, as do you, that this scenario has actually taken place many times. In the extreme, how many suicide bombers have had second thoughts, and never carried through? Some I'd bet. Less extreme would be the rest of us, when faced with almost any decision that involves choosing between right and wrong. I always loved the idea of doing the right thing even when no one is looking. That's what our unnamed assailant did in this case, isn't it?

In the end, this is a short and powerful essay about the power of introspection, and the absolute necessity to do it -- often. Especially when doubt is present. The anti-hero of our story concludes correctly that he is a product of a defective, dysfunctional past, and that behavior based on such negative experiences can never produce a beneficial result. He also realizes, in the end, that real love is a matter of finally accepting how the happiness of someone we supposedly love is more important than our owe personal, selfish gratification.

All that is here, and more. It's an entire college course on psychology and philosophy, wrapped up into one neat package.

So what did I not like? Hmmm. Let me think a moment. I'd probably change the last line as follows:

"I've lost her, Mom." My body shook. "But he'll never do the same to us."

I don't know if that's any better than yours, but I had to gripe about something *Smile*

Bob

** Image ID #1729365 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
131
131
Review of Deserted island  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Maryann,

It's me, Bob, back again for seconds with package fulfillment reviews. This one also caught my eye, so when I read your dark little tale, I knew I had to review it.

In 1959, Gregory Peck starred in a movie with an all-star cast that included Ava Gardner among others. I know you're way ahead of me, and know the title was "On the Beach". In 2000, Armand Assante and Rachel Ward starred in an adequate remake of the same movie. This gave at least two to three age generations an ability to appreciate the story -- one which has always held a special place in my heart and brain both.

While your story is very different, it certainly shares some of the same qualities found in the two films mentioned. I like the smaller, more intimate scale in which yours differs from the other epics. The theme itself, of a family caught in a safe area while the bombs went off, was also featured in a Ray Milland film, and I seem to recall others as well.

So while there's nothing new under the sun, as they say, I really liked your updated version which again takes us on a trip of sorts, where the unimaginable happens. If this were made into a film, I'd go see it. The theme is so compelling and profound, that it can't be overdone. And you have done it justice here, absolutely. And did so without copying or mimicking any of the other versions. That's not always easy to do.

If readers are given no clue here, as you've so aptly avoided also, the climax sneaks up on us like a deadly snake, except we don't know that the rustling bushes and sound in the grass is a snake -- until it's too late. As the reader is left in the lurch and the snake strikes, the truth sinks in as if they were themselves members of the camping trip. Utterly helpless. Awaiting a coming storm where the rain itself may be as deadly as any fire.

Once again the writing is superb and the small paragraphs are just right. My only question is whether the author did enough to heighten the suspense as much as possible. It seems like the ongoing descriptions of what seems like an ordinary outing otherwise -- albeit a beautiful island paradise -- lasts just a tad too long before we begin to suspect that something is not only amiss, but something really awful.

Early on, it might be that the radio can't pick up any signals at all -- just static at first. "Try the radio again," he said. That kind of thing. They would have a clear view of the sky and I don't think you say anywhere what time of day it is. I could be wrong about that, but I couldn't find it. The story should end with the sun setting and the most gorgeous sunset anybody's ever seen.

One of the characters could say they saw a picture of a sunset like before. It was in a magazine article about the atomic tests at Bikini island during the fifties and sixties. That kind of thing *Smile*

Lastly, I'd leave off the "End?" at the end. It adds kind of a corny end to the end, which isn't needed and totally goes without saying. The ending is perfect otherwise and leaves us all wondering how we'd all react, and what we'd do.

Thanks for a genuine thiller that tickles (make that punches) the intellect.

Bob

** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
132
132
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Maryann, (RIP your aunt Dottie)

I haven't talked to you in a while and since I'm making my "rounds" of those whose gift packages are still relatively empty since early November, I felt this was the perfect opportunity to say, howdy, and give you a couple of needed reviews. And who better from, than a fellow trekker? And what better story than this one?

Pam writes a nice long letter and we presume it's in a language other than English. Without mention of a translator device, other than "transmission" the colloquial lingo sounds just a bit too "Earthy" *Smile* I think it would work better if Carla were herself from a different planet than Pam (different species)which would emphasize the whole "federation" concept, of which the Earth is yet to be a member, so it would appear.

Otherwise this was a delightful diversion which was both humorous and well conceived with respect to a "friendly" alien presence visiting what is obviously a less advanced planet -- among a collectivized group of others.

I liked the whole learning to walk stuff, which gave us an indication that Pam and her friends were physically different from humans. If Carla were a different species, however, this would afford you the opportunity to have Pam give us a more accurate picture of the situation.

That said, this isn't the kind of piece that can be easily criticized or critiqued for content, other than someone like me coming along and trying to upgrade it to Star Trek quality, as if it was lacking the visuals and other special effects we want to "see" here. Then again, we can't make this much longer than it is, filling it with too many more details, otherwise, of course, it becomes a short story instead of a nicely worded pretend "message".

It's also debatable whether I can legitimately find fault here, suggesting that the ending is weak, with no real beginning, middle, or "conclusion" per se, given that it is meant to be a casual, uneventful exchange -- a school outing, if you will. And it might be unfair to expect more from the piece than what it is -- or ultimately offers.

The writing and overall structure are so well done, so professional, however, that I can't let the author off the hook, quite so fast. With a skill level capable of so much "more", one can't help but ask whether the writer sold herself "short" here. By this, I mean to say that, given at face value, it's a four-star natural. That rating was easy. The author, though, shows a five-star grasp of subject, theme, and storytelling ability. So do we let Maryann "slide", give her a pat on the back, and say, "well done."?

Or do we give her a gentle prod, a tickling of the literary ribs, and let her know that captain Picard and crew, while happy, kind of expected cadet Maryann to "thrill" them a bit more than she did. If she wants that upcoming promotion, the Academy will want to see a bit more complexity and cliff-hanging excitement in her next submission *Smile*

Bob

** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
133
133
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, again,

Yes, it's me again *Smile* and this poem is even better than the first. Actually it's a lot better, and I really liked the other one. Sure, it's longer and deeper, more personal and romantic, but as a poem, per se, it's just a totally cool piece, pure and simple.

Are you familiar with a certain definition of "love" which suggests that when we love another person, it's largely because we see ourselves in them? Friendship also, but especially romantic love. This is different, of course, from "self-love", which might boast of arrogance or conceit, or narcissism. No, this is about a kind of pride and joy we might feel about ourselves, as if we were a great, accomplished artist (or poet) and our personal, private qualities that bring us much happiness. When we see these similar qualities in another person, and we're open to the emotions involved, we may easily "fall" for them, softly at first, then heavily, passionately, shortly after.

Some of that is expressed in this poem, which has even more to say than what I've indicated. A lot more. And it's all good. It's all moving and touching, often surprising -- even when we see what's happening. But it's too late by then. We're hooked. After that, the colorful language the poem uses, the interesting analogies, metaphors, and so on, are perfect.

What isn't quite so perfect is the punctuation which follows no discernible pattern. An evaluation is needed to determine what punctuation is needed or desirable, if any at all.

But even when I'm not sure of the particularly enigmatic:

The dreary gray of daily pains
is broken by the
the peculiar shiver
of the trident flame between us.

I still feel like I can pull understanding from it and more importantly -- want to.

A twitch, a blink, a flying eyelash
A great surprise
when I find myself reflected in your iris.

In the last line above, I'm curious why you used "iris" instead of "eyes" which seemed like a more suitable (if not perfect) fit. And a nice rhyme with "surprise".

I do hope you will reconsider your "resignation" into full time reviewer and no-time writer *Smile* It is our loss, I suspect, even more than yours. I really like making discoveries (similar to the other poem) and love finding authors who show great promise.

Promise me you'll try to crack open the flood gates a bit and let a trickle escape. And what will one day be a river, if not an ocean *Smile* Thanks for listening. I meant every word.

Bob

A shared group image



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
134
134
Review of With Breakfast  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Tab,

I like this little poem in a big way. I'm also going to review your other poem because I liked what I saw at first glance. You've been a member here since 2006. That makes it 8 years, 9, maybe? You don't do much writing and probably have writer's block or whatever. Probably more of the "whatever" than a block of any kind. And the rest of your bio stuff is blank. Except for a slew of community recognitions. Thus you are an anomaly of sorts, have aroused my curiosity, and I feel a strong desire to encourage you to create yourself anew. *Smile*

If these two poems are examples of the general quality of your work, then you're doing yourself a disservice and denying the rest of us the ability to read more of your stuff. After several years, I have a feeling you've got a lot to say, so what's the problem? You waiting for the next go around reincarnation-wise? Well, I don't want to wait that long, so give me something else beside these two lonely pieces. Okay, please.

Pondering, wandering. Forgetting, mourning. Opportunities and dreaming. I love this collection of ideas that make sense despite their brevity. Starting over, as one recovers, as if from a bad dream, but seeking new paths even if it means wandering...perhaps aimlessly for a while -- these are all great concepts about which everyone can relate. Forgotten or missed opportunities are indeed little different from authentic losses that engender sorrow. Which is why I love the ending.

True discovery is the result of wandering paths where the outcome is uncertain, unknown. How could it be otherwise? And this poem captures all of this and more.

The irony here is that the author suggests we do as he or she says, and not as he or she does. Physician heal thyself? The poem is your anchor and it's time to pull it, set sail, and start writing again.

The title? "With" Breakfast, versus "Over" Breakfast, which I also like, but more than your original. Both are good. Over, as in getting over something and moving on, however, is better, I think.

Other than that, this is gold. Not platinum necessarily, but solid gold. Bravo on a piece of fine work. So what's it gonna take to get you off your duff and start writing more? *Smile*

Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
135
135
Review of Attention Adults  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Ellis,

Great poem. Says a lot, expresses the frustration of a younger generation, and you accomplish your goal of getting our attention *Smile*

We do need to know what generation you represent in your piece, however. Currently we have teenagers, who have their own "generation". Then those in their twenties, thirties, and forties. My guess is that you're referring to either teens or early twenties.

Here's the actual breakdown:


Gen "Z" is from 1995-2015
Gen "Y" is from 1975-1995

Gen Y is also known as Millennials, and Gen Next.

So early on in your poem, we need you to say something that identifies you (the author) more accurately.

If you're Gen Z, this is perfect, because just like in the movie, World War Z, about zombies, you could really use the snide reference that adults label you guys as Gen Z because we think of you as being zombies, in addition to all else. Use this connection if possible. It would work really well.

If I had a gripe about this, it would be that it doesn't offer us any hope for better days, better ways, or that many young people are real heroes in the eyes of older adults nowadays. Seriously. The brush is too broad, the condemnations too general. We need to acknowledge the exceptions in some way.

The central focus of the poem is fine and makes its point. But there might be some overkill here. Okay, we get it. There's a lot of stupid adults running around -- a lot -- who have no idea of the stress that the modern world puts on the young today. Whether it's a ton of homework, peer pressure, drugs, and stupid politicians who couldn't run hot-dog stand, let alone the country. And stereotypes -- OMG! Wear a hoodie and go to jail, you criminal!

Nope, I'm glad I don't have to put up with all the nonsense like you do. Though adults have our own problems among our own "Gens". I'm not sure what you could add, that would lighten the tension and the mood a bit. But the poem needs something that leaves us with hope for a brighter future.

Or, if you really wanted to get real, to get down and dirty, then don't hold back and act all polite and stuff.

Add lines like the following: (not these exactly, but you get the idea)

The truth is that we see you as the real criminals.
You stole our futures by killing us in senseless wars
And spending money that was ours, not yours.

It wasn't us who created a world where war
and disease, famine and corruption prevail.
You wrecked our world, destroyed the forests,
killed off the animals, and ruined the atmosphere.

And you have the nerve to call us lazy, rude, and arrogant
While you lie and cheat and fritter away our inheritance.
False kings, queens, and phony prophets who have
spelled our doom as well as your own. Thanks for nothing.

Okay, I think you can see where I'm going. You were much too polite *Smile*
Both versions are good, though. Yours and mine, Maybe mix the two a little more.
I think the theme has value and works as either poetry or prose.
You could write this as a short essay, too, and it would be equally powerful.

Let me know if this was helpful. And if you need any more names to throw at those rotten adults!
Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
136
136
Review of "UNGH!"  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Angus,

My last review of the weekend and I'm glad I found you and your hilarious piece to finish up. My name is Bob and I found you as a recommended read by Mona, of Eyestar. She certainly called this one right. I really enjoyed the story, thought it was well written, and definitely builds to satisfyingly funny end. *Laugh* Albeit a bit twisted. This reminded me of something I might see or read as part of a horror anthology -- except yours is better than most *Smile*

I initially zeroed in on this because of the title, thinking to myself that somebody couldn't even type their title correctly. It wasn't long before I realized that a crappy title can be as good as a good one. *Smile* Something you figured out long before I did.

My only gripe is a subtle mistake that is easily made by the best of writers. It has to do with what they call, "author intrusion" where the POV goes astray and your reader is temporarily left adrift as to who the hell is telling the story. I've noted a line in particular below:

Ben popped his beer, took a swig, and looked at his wife. No, make that glared at his wife.

The story is told from the omniscient POV overall, with Jill thrown in for some specifics. In the line above, however, the second sentence leaves us wondering who is telling the story. Suddenly the author is informing us, himself, that no, Ben "glared" at his wife. What? Where'd you come from all of a sudden? Bob said, referring to Angus the author. *Smile*

The easy fix, of course, is just give the observation to Jill. But this is worth paying attention to. It's a hard temptation to resist at times.

Christmas morning dawned bright and blue, and Mike and Tracy arrived promptly at 11 o’clock with a complimentary bottle of wine.

The line above comes right after the hiatus. I think it should be its own paragraph.

Tracy helped Jill in the kitchen while the boys sat in the living room watching football, and by one o’clock they were all seated at the table where yams, cornbread, mashed potatoes and gravy, a honey glazed ham, and a fourteen pound turkey waited to be devoured.

This got thrown in with some subsequent lines that pertain only to Jill and her personal POV. As opposed to the separated paragraph above which is strictly that omniscient perspective again. Thus leaving the newly separate paragraph below:

Since no fireworks had gone off for the last two hours (actually, the only sounds she heard coming from the living room was the football game), Jill was once again thinking that maybe they’d get through this after all.

And that does it for me, my friend. Well, one other, which is my own personal preference, as follows:

“Yooouuu…muuuuttthhh...eeerrrr...fuuu...”

Can you see what I did? And I would do the same with the last line as well. Ellipses come in three's generally, right? I shy away from adding melodramatic touches to my work that aren't needed or are arbitrary and abide by no particular rule. If it's overdone somewhat, the work again looks like the author is "insisting" that we read the piece a certain way. Using a jumble of added letters and spaces with ellipses all over the place tends to look sloppy and devoid of any structure. I believe that my version, as shown above, makes the same point as your version, but does so with a minimum of punctuation, instead of a maximum of author input -- which risks coming across as overkill.

Thus the last word would read: uuunnnggghhh!” Is this any less emphatic than your version? Yet it's simpler, less intrusive, which is always preferable if you're a weird, fanatic, psycho nit-picker like me *Laugh*

Okay, so I had some fun with your piece. Not nearly as much as you did, however. Let me know if you see the madness in my methods. And thanks for the hardy, LOL chuckles *Smile*

Bob

** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **








*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
137
137
Review of No Takers  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi, Cheri,

My name is Bob and I'm reviewing your work as part of the Power Reviewers Raid weekend. I always like the challenge of a first draft and a request for honest opinions as to how a given piece is shaping up. Or down *Smile*

I think the basic writing here is excellent, and except for some minor grammar issues, it's the content of the piece that deserves the most attention. Without reading any other of your works, I can pretty well guess that I'd find the same thing: good structure that allows for a focused evaluation of the story content itself.

This is a strange tale. It would be difficult to imagine a better title when the ending is probably the biggest issue or concern here. I'm curious as to why, when it would have been equally strong, and even more satisfying, you opted for a sad ending to Madonna's story. Except it's more than sad. And not enough of anything else.

What I mean by that (unintentionally) snide remark is that, assuming this is not the first chapter or prologue to a longer work, the story just kind of drifts off without meaning, substance, or consequence. I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does, but rather as a motivation to give us either something more shocking, tantalizing, or redeeming in Madonna's favor. We like her too much to leave her as you do *Smile*

The shock ending would be for her to die in the crash. The sweet ending is for her to meet Mr. Right as a result of the crash. Maybe the EMT, or a cop, or a helping bystander. All kinds of possibilities present themselves, yet you choose none of them. Which is okay, but it leaves us feeling empty at the end. We want more, and feel a bit angry at the author for dropping us like one of Madonna's blind dates have likely done to her.

The other issue is more interesting than it is problematic. We have three distinct scene changes in this one short piece. Madonna to start. Then Trish. Then back to Madonna. I suggest a name change also. But only because Madonna, the singer, has forever stolen the name, I fear, and I kept seeing her instead of a wholly original character. Worth thinking about *Rolleyes*

The question is how best to make the transitions from one setting to the next. A "hiatus" usually takes us from one place to another, but it's potential interpretation as a time change as well, prevents it, I think, from being used here.

Your version as written, is close to being acceptable. But it needs to be looked at, just to be sure it's our best choice for how to structure it.

I've done my own version using your words and some new ones by me, just for demo purposes. See if this is better. Since we're not using a hiatus mark, the transition needs to be more pronounced and obvious. Perhaps as follows:

The guests turned as Trish screamed, "Noooooo!" Dropping to her knees, she cried hysterically while, over and over again, she repeated aloud, "No, no, no...."

There had been no reply over the phone. Trish had only heard the sound of the crash and then nothing.

So, that's one possible way to make the "cut" more obvious. The next cut is easier and is nothing more than a close repeat of what you already had:

By the time the ambulance arrived at the scene of the accident, the police were locking down the area.

This slightly revised version locks down the next and final scene transition.

Which takes us back to the real scene of the real crime, which is your original ending *Smile*

Seriously, I hope you'll give some thought as to my suggestions for an alternate conclusion. Even if she dies, have her fall in love-at-first-sight, only to look back and see her body lying lifeless in the street. OMG, I scared myself with that one *Smile*

Let me know what you think and if you decide upon some changes. I'd like to see this again if you do. Why? Because the beginning and middle and right up to the end, are very good. The two main characters are immediately likeable and are given a raw deal here. Even Trish thinks her friend is dead, and we're left with that. Which might be another problem I hadn't even considered. Hmmm.

Thanks for listening.
Bob

** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
138
138
Review of Dragon whispers  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, again, Ms Dragon,

I liked this much more than my long list of kvetching would indicate *Smile* I really did. These are all little icky, picky things that I wanted you to see because details are important, and self-editing is a big deal nowadays. You want to train your eyes to spot the smallest mistakes. So this has a lot to do with what I've done.

Also, watch your paragraph breaks. Everybody gets their own paragraph. Most of the time. When in doubt, make a new paragraph. Consistency is another biggie. I know it's probably just a typo, but Toothless' font size is different here and there. I like the way you did him. I bought it. And I usually don't like getting fancy in standard text *Smile*

In one spot, you had Mary's dialogue convert to italics like Toothless. No! Don't do it *Facepalm* Unless you're feeling mean, this just totally screws with your reader. Always keep it simple, clean, and everybody does the same thing, in the same way, all the time. Usually.

That said, we can run through these quickly:

"Mary, you're too old for this," (comma) her mother sighed as she obligingly placed the stuffed dragon toy next to Mary's pillow. (paragraph break)

The eight year old girl pouted, then reached out, grabbed her Toothless dragon, and snuggled him to her chest as her mother turned out the lights. (period) Note my variation on how you did things.

"I love you, Toothless." Mary whispered, holding the stuffed, eleven-inch toy close to her chest. Burying her forehead into Toothless' (apostrophe only) head and closing her eyes, she heard a faint, (comma) I love you too, Mary. The girl's eyes flew open.

In the paragraph above, look for the changes I made. I changed 11" to "eleven-inch" which is always preferable with small numbers. It just is *Smile* Instead of Toothless's, I used Toothless' which is better. Both are correct, but I like to drop the exra "s". I just do, so there *Smile*

"You can TALK?!" She gasped, staring at the dragon. This is better, don't you think?

Mary's mom walked past the door and turned on the light. (put into separate paragraph)

"Maryy...." Her mom reluctantly moved in to tuck her in.

In the line above, words like "Maryy" look like typos. Try Mar-ry instead.

Her mom looked at her and scolded, "Mary, stop delaying your bedtime." Smoother *Smile*

"Fine." Mary pouted, then slipped back underneath the covers and snuggled in with Toothless again. As a test, she tentatively placed her forehead against Toothless's head "once more".

Nothing. Maybe, I'm dreaming? Mary thought to herself. When her mom left the room, satisfied that her daughter wouldn't be talking again, a small voice in Mary's head started speaking (to speak)

I broke this into another paragraph to add some extra drama. I can do that because I'm the all-powerful reviewer. *Smile* Watch for repeating the same words over and over again. Words like again. In short pieces, they stand out like teeth in a toothless dragon's mouth.

She recalled the party from three weeks prior. "...at Cousin Megan's Build-A-Bear party?"

Notice how interesting the sentence above becomes by playing with it a little more. Note the ellipsis and how the shift of Mary's thought to the front, mixes things up so they're not monotonous.

Toothless gave a slow nod as Mary gasped.

Here's an important distinction. See how we didn't have to put toy and girl into separate paragraphs? How come? The reason is because the action in combined into a single event, simply by adding "as". If it all happens at once, we don't always need separate paragraphs.

"Why'd you wait 'til today to tell me?" she thought to Toothless. Don't have Mary's thoughts in italics.

"No it's not silly," she whispered, tears threatening to fall. "She doesn't like tucking me in any more. And she doesn't hug me like she used to. Now I have to ask for hugs, and they're not as nice if I have to ask."

Here again, I bumped the speaker narrative up close to the beginning of the dialogue. Watch out for way too much "whispering" going on. Choose synonyms. That's why God made them.

Toothless "nudged" her face. Too much nudging going on, too. Words like these are good for once, maybe twice, but even that is pushing it. It just sounds repetitive and bor-ring.

Toothless nodded his slow nod again. period needed at end. A lot of nodding, too. Nod bad, but I don't like it. Okay my joke was bad.

"But I'm not growing up!" she mentally exclaimed. "If that's the case, I don't want to grow up!"

Again above, a bump of the narrative into a better position.

Mary giggled a bit. "Can you fly?" she quietly asked him in wonderment.

I'll answer that another night, Mary. Tonight, you need to get your sleep. You're still a little girl and little girls need their sleep. His eyes twinkled as he snuggled back into Mary's chest. As her breathing slowly evened out, Toothless whispered, Sweet dreams, my dear Mary.

In the lines above, a font change in size took place.

Let me know if this helps and if you have any questions. You'd never know how much I liked this, but I really did.

Bob

** Image ID #1729370 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
139
139
Review of The Smoke Alarm  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Miss Dragon,

My name is Bob and I'm sort of a Mr. Dragon. Which qualifies me, I think, to make a few comments about your story. I'm reviewing this, BTW, as part of the fulfillment of the gift package of reviews you received.

I'm sometimes reluctant to dig too deeply into the mechanics and grammar of a given piece, because when they're part of a contest, one can never know, for sure, what the rules were. And consequently a fair amount of critical remarks may, or may not be, inappropriate. I feel fairly confident, however, that my comments here are well placed.

If you'll permit me, (and forgive me) *Smile* I want to rewrite your first paragraph. By doing so, this will illustrate, very quickly, the issues that concern me, and which I hope will concern you as well. Also, if this is a "throw-away" piece, meaning you have no intention of ever revisiting it, for any reason, then it can still serve as a learning instrument. Or not. It's up to you, of course *Smile*

The rewrite is intended to accomplish two things:

1) Demonstrate a smoother, clearer approach to the writing, using my own words and changes.
2) Serve as an example only, where a number of different ideas can be employed, but all of which rectify and correct the grammar and punctuation errors that exist. The writing style itself, which is first person, present tense, has not been critiqued as right or wrong, although I prefer third person, personally. But that's just me.

Worth noting here, especially, is the conversion of a single large paragraph into a number of smaller ones. This is not a matter of style, but rather the correct structure for breaks involving multiple characters and events. My version is not intended to serve as a perfect rendition, but simply an example of how these things need to be presented for clarity. I hope that comes across:

My bedroom is right next to the kitchen. In the kitchen, there's a smoke detector. In fact, the two rooms are pretty much connected.

This morning, the smoke detector woke me up. "uuugh," I groan. The night before, I wasn't feeling so well, so I went to sleep early. Still, that's no excuse for fate to wake me up earlier than needed (or necessary)

I rub my stomach. It feels much better this morning, and I'm glad of (for) that. Padding (meaning unclear) over to the bathroom, I scream when I look at myself in the mirror. Oh, my God; I look like a dragon!

My brother hears me scream and comes running into the room.

As he yells, and turn about and glare at him.

Mid-scream, he barely dodges the fireball -- from my mouth -- that I hurl at him. I again emit an anguished shout and then realize I'm not screaming -- I'm roaring!

"Mommy, Daddy!" my brother continues to scream as he runs from the room. "Gina's turned into a dragon!"

It looks like you had a lot of fun with this story, and before I criticize another syllable, I've got to tell you I laughed myself silly with the thing. Keep in mind that while it looks like I'm being overly harsh here, with my review, please understand that these are all easy fixes and only require your desire to do so. Understanding them is fairly straightforward, and the sad part is that they detract from what is otherwise some very well thought out humor and dialogue.

Well, I'm not going to go through any more here. You get the idea. If corrected and rewritten accordingly, this would be an outstanding work. Seriously. My suggestion is to revert or convert to the third person, past tense. But that's my personal bias. It also makes the writing a helluva lot easier, BTW *Smile*

Let me know if we're still on speaking terms, and if so, I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have, and illustrate more of what I'm focusing on with respect to the grammar, punctuation, and paragraph issues that diminish the quality of what lies just below the surface here. Thanks for listening.

Bob

A shared group image



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
140
140
Review of Roots and Wings  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Audria,

We've spoken before, and this is a good chance to say hello again. I wanted to do a review as part of the Power Review Board and found you waiting for one, so here it is *Smile*

I cut my writing teeth on biographical novels. Not written by me, but the woman moderator of our critique group wrote several of these kind of novels based on a genealogical research of her own family, which went back to the days of the early Mormons. So you can see I'm a decent choice for what you've written here *Smile*

What I'm assuming is the case, is that you've taken Priscilla's original words and created a quasi-fictional account of things that take us into the person and the times in a more intimate, you-are-there fashion. And that you've created the dialogue and descriptions to match what are otherwise true events. At least that's how I interpret this.

I also know how there are folks who really like these particular kinds of stories, precisely because they mix fact and fiction together in a fun way that no ordinary biography provides. And you've done a beautiful job of taking us there, almost in cinematic style, and made me feel like I was back in an era we typically only hear about in monotone documentaries.

In the second paragraph, you have a quote after "Prissy" which doesn't belong.

“You must hear your fortunes.” She said through parched lips and darkened teeth. You want a comma, of course, after the word, "fortunes" instead of the period that's there now.

“No payment is needed. Your future is almost upon you.” She pointed at Sarah. “You will learn a profession (period needed after "profession". This is all I'm going to do on the punctuation thing because you know what to do, and as you can see, it just needs some additional "cleanup".

She loved Wales. Surely her destiny was here. But what would a gypsy know anyway. She laughed to herself and put it out of her mind. Until now…

Above is your big segue hiatus that time-machine's us to present day -- with Priscilla now on her way to America. It is such a wonderful transition, that I think it's spoiled a bit by the way you do it. Listen to me, right?

First, I don't like present tense words like "now" inserted into the narrative of third person past tense. That's what I was taught and have always agreed with the premise. I don't think you even need "Until now..." It's superfluous and doesn't add anything. With an appropriate hiatus demarcation, which I think this needs, and which, of course, can be accomplished in any number of ways, the reader will immediately understand what's happened and is then happening. Otherwise, it's smooth sailing in terms of the writing here. Except for one other observation.

As she watched him approach, the gypsy’s words came unbidden to her mind, ‘...you will cross the ‘big waters’ and your family will benefit from your labors.’

In the lines above, you got bogged down in what gets a quote, what doesn't, how many and so forth. It's no wonder, because these can be confusing as to how best to "recite" another's dialogue while a character is "thinking" about it. English at its complicated best *Smile*

Opinions will vary on this. Usually the single quote is used within an ongoing piece of spoken dialogue, when someone is quoting someone else while speaking themselves. Which you already know. But what about inside of the thought process itself? I subscribe to the camp that likes italics in these instances. With no quotes at all. As follows:

As she watched him approach, the gypsy’s words came unbidden to her mind. You will cross the big waters and your family will benefit from your labors.

You don't even need a colon or anything else. And look how simple this now reads, with no muss, no fuss. Pretty cool, right? And you don't need quotes around "big waters" either because it works without repeating them again.

Anyway, bravo and kudos and clap, clap, (the sound of me applauding) *Smile*

I don't read this stuff myself, but when I see work like yours, I suspect that it's definitely my loss. Let me know if this was helpful and keep up the great storytelling.

Bob

** Image ID #1729370 Unavailable **





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
141
141
Review of Remember When  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, BillieGail,

This poem really left me wanting. Wanting to have a partner, that is, who felt about me as you do about yours. You made me want to fall in love all over again, just so I could relive the happy moments that seem so fresh, and express themselves in both the past and present tense. This is one of the more romantic and loving poems I've read in a while. Nicely done.

In an age of endless divorces, marital problems, infidelity and debauchery in all its forms, this lovely little piece of warmth and cuddly togetherness reminds us how really solid relationships are supposed to look, sound, and feel.

My only criticism, and I'm reluctant to mess with work this delicate, is the somewhat awkward use of "I do..." sort of stuck out there, all by itself. It's a bit redundant and just adds extra words, I think. The fix?

Since the next line says "I remember...", consider replacing "I do..." with "I remember..." This simplifies and keeps it all nice and clean. And the cleaner the better, I always say. Well, not always, but usually *Smile*

While I'm at it, I probably should kvetch about the title, too. Yeah, it's okay. A subjective call, in any event. My choice? I'd've gone with "I Remember..." The poem is present tense, present day, but the title almost makes it sound like reminiscing instead of rejoicing. Think it over for a few seconds and see if you agree. If not, not to worry. An eagle doesn't regret the loss of a single pinfeather *Smile*

Okay, this has been my ultra mushy moment of the day -- back into the harsh glare of reality. In case you couldn't tell, I loved it.
Bob

** Image ID #1729370 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
142
142
Review of Running away  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Emily,

This is pretty good and doesn't need that much work. Not in my opinion. Okay, a little here and there. Most importantly, I think I get what you're saying, and think it's worth saying. *Smile*

Starting at the bottom first, you used a contraction "runnin" for the word, running, but used the whole word elsewhere. This is just a consistency point that you'll want to change, and I think just a matter of changing runnin' to running. If we make changes for no apparent reason, we make it look like we made the change for some important reason, which is why we want to stay as consistent as possible.

The enemy is adulthood, I think. The loss of the last of our childhood that a sixteenth birthday finally does away with. While many, if not most, want to hurry and grow up, there is a part of us that wants to stay hidden, safe with our secrets, but the desire to be fully responsible, or the need to be, is like its own monster that one can no longer control.

As I read this again, it suddenly occurred to me that this might well be a sci-fi horror story, too. Which I missed at first because I wanted to read it as a teenager's angst about growing up. But...OMG! She really does have a creature possessing her who is about to take over. Hence the "last Earth day". As an earthling *Smile*

Good poems are those that sound smart and make you think. This one did, for me. I hope you'll share with me what you personally had in mind as to the meaning. I think I could pull even another story out of this *Smile* if I tried enough.

I think my only remarks at this point is whether or not you want multiple meanings to be taken away by different readers. If not, you can easily add a few more lines and leave no doubt as to what's happening. So this might be a tough call as to how you want to leave it or change it. It's why poetry is both loved and hated, with little in-between.

My personal opinion? I think two or three more lines would help this. Maybe even four, depending on your exact message, or the sentiment you want expressed. But it's very close to being the perfect piece you want it to be.

Please run this by me again if you make any changes. I really like it, and I'm not even 100% sure why *Smile*
Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
143
143
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Megs,

This poem is much too good to be spoiled by some minor glitches. I assume it was inspired by the song from Bastille? These are strong words and lyrics. They're both and they're neither *Smile*

Here's your poem with the essential corrections put into place:


If You Give It a Name
by Megan Brink


Fear, it's just an emotion,

Nothing more than a thought,

Until you give it a name.


Depression, it's just there,

Nothing more than a feeling,

Until you give it a name.


A mistake, is just an event,

Nothing more than an action,

Until you give it a title.


A nightmare, it's just a dream,

Nothing more than imagination,

Until you give it a title.


A problem, it's just a situation,

Nothing more than a different routine,

Until you give it a title.


If you give it a name, then it's already won what you're good for.



So Megs, I noticed, of course, that you changed the one line which originally read:

If you give it a name, then it's already won.

To:

If you give it a name, then it's already won what you're good for.

Although I kind of get what you're after, I think it might be too confusing as to the new meaning you've created. Or the added emphasis which probably isn't needed in any event. The original line pretty much says it all.

If I read you correctly, you expanded on the lyric so that it includes a whole bunch of things we experience in life, and when we give them names, we allow them to have power over us. Instead of the other way around.

Much has been written about people allowing themselves to be defined by "labels" or medical conditions, or ways of looking and talking. Or worse, other people defining who they think we are, based on how we look -- the worst of the worst being our skin color.

I like the idea that you put all of this into your own words. One more little change would make this good poem even better.

You know how you use: "Until you give it a title." over and over again? That's okay with me, but I'd like to see you use a different word than, title, after you use it the first time. Then use it again, as the very last line that has title in it. That can stay the same.

In-between, however, try using synonyms. Here's an example:

A nightmare, it's just a dream,
Nothing more than imagination,
Until you give it an identity.

This is real close to what I'm talking about. I'm looking for words that mean the same as name and title. And allow you to say the same thing, but not have to repeat the same words over and over again. Look how much stronger that stanza is with the word, "identity" in it, instead of "title". If you don't agree, that's fine, too. It's just my opinion, but it's a good one, I think. I got lucky with this one *Smile*

So see what you think, and please let me see this again, if you make any changes. Hope this helps. Thanks for listening.
Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
144
144
Review of The Combat Medic  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Adrik,

I really liked this. And when I then tell you that I'm a U.S. Army combat veteran, Vietnam 1968-69, you'll know that my words don't come cheap. You did a great job, I thought, of capturing the role, importance, and solitude of the combat medic. How the medics themselves are a kind of mother figure, but in the best sense of the term.

The interesting thing about this work is how it will be read differently by different people. Because of the subject matter, and the experience -- or lack of experience -- one might possess with respect to the violence of war, the poem successfully bridges the gap between sympathy and empathy. Regardless of how familiar or unfamiliar one might be, with the horrors of warfare, the work reads either as a tribute piece, or more of a solemn homage to those whose job is to save lives rather than take them. Well done, my friend. *Smile*

My only concern is that the piece kind of dates itself by references to Normandy and Berlin, rather than Bagdad to Beirut. I'm not sure how you could bridge that gap and don't want to necessarily suggest that you do. But you might want to consider it.

Although most young people will never have military experience, they will have nonetheless seen their share of brutally realistic war movies. From all eras. From the Greeks of "300" to "Saving Private Ryan". I suppose to some, the poem will read as somewhat "tame" (not lame) in terms of the truly terrible circumstances that the work actually speaks to. This is only a concern if you intend to ever rewrite the piece. Which it doesn't require unless you wanted to really update it. As I said, it works very well as is, provided you're aware of the minor limitations that exist.

A "companion" piece might be worth considering. Another poem with similar structure and format, that then transfers the POV to the soldier him or herself. With a brief reference to a medic, perhaps.

Be that as it may, kudos to you, my friend, for an outstanding war piece that doesn't resort to any political judgments of its own, neither pro-war or con. It just is what it is.

Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
145
145
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Megs,

I really liked this. In fact I liked it so much, I couldn't resist putting some of myself into it *Smile* Forgive me for doing so. I had fun at your expense, but see if you can spot the method to my madness as they say.

Personally, as part of my review, I like this piece better as I've reconfigured it. But that's just me. Some think I have a pretty good eye for this kind of stuff, but you're the best judge, of course. I also rewrote one line that I didn't like. Which is saying a lot because I totally loved all the rest *Smile*

Here's the line I changed:

If I gave you tears and told you to shed them with the joy and sadness of others,

I felt it was awkward as presently written, and if you don't use my version, try to reword yours so it speaks more to what I'm driving at. Otherwise, I thought this was great as is, and could also be great (or better)*Smile* in my revised version. See what you think.
Bob

A shared group image

What If I Gave You...?


If I gave you a heart and told you it was yours to love with,
If I gave you an ear and told you it was yours to listen with,
If I gave you a mouth and told you it was yours to voice your thoughts with,
If I gave you an eye and told you it was yours to see everything with,
If I gave you a hand and told you it was yours to hold,
If I gave you a foot and told you it was yours to move with,
If I gave you an imagination and told you it was yours to create with,
If I gave you a mind and told you it was yours to think with,
If I gave you a smile and told you it was yours to spread happiness with,
If I gave you tears and told you to shed them with the joy and sadness of others,
If I gave you faith and told you it was yours to believe in,
If I gave you adventures and told you they were yours to seek,
If I gave you dreams and told you they were yours to make true.
Would you take them?
Would you use them?
Why haven't you started yet?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
146
146
Review of Under Her Wing  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Skybear,

Yours is the eternal prayer. The premise of a thousand tales told by those who look about the world and see the errors of our ways. How humanity has lost its way and our salvation lies in the hands of the proverbial savior, the messiah, a redeemer, the Deliverer -- a Ghandi, Martin Luther King, a great king or politician. Your piece reminds me of the old saying about how the more things change, the more they remain the same.

The Hopi concept of Koyaanisqatsi plays a significant role here as well.

Moses was one such man, one like you describe. Just as one example. And he led his corrupt followers to their salvation. But only to have them once again return to their old ways of sin and depravity. That seems to be the routine, the pattern, which suggests to me that more is needed than the single individual. Maybe the right message with just the right words?

Not to focus on religion, but Jesus, I guess, was the right man with the right message, and still that wasn't enough. I think the answer lies in our willingness to keep asking, and searching for answers and solutions. Some would argue that YOU are the very person you seek. You and all the others like you -- a great collective of like minds, all aware of the problems, and with an inner sense of the answers.

Can such a discussion avoid a pathway that inevitably leads to politics? Is it possible that a politician might come among us, uniting instead of dividing? I don't know. What I do know is what you already know. That people who see the needs, will know when redemption is at hand. And even then, some will say the anti-Christ is upon us *Smile*

As for how you've structured the work, as a whole, I'm put off by the one large block of text look. I almost took this all apart and stacked it vertically in the form of a free verse poem, which is still my thought as to how it should be presented. You might want to give that a try. The nature of the piece is so universal, that a poem might appear less pedantic, less impersonal, warmer and more appealing.

Be sure to do a few more edits that fix the several (but minor) grammar and punctuation errors also present. Otherwise, very nice, I really enjoyed this.
Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
147
147
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, DM,

What I liked about this, and what prompted me to review it (speaking of prompts *Smile* was the timelessness of the theme. I could see the words as the expressed sentiments of all warriors who are on their way to battle, where the chances are that they will likely die. Metaphorically, such an idea could be expanded to include anyone who found themselves on an impossible voyage, whose outcome was dubious at best.

The "hunger" strikes me as the will to live, to survive. That others might do so as well. But death or failure seems predetermined and the urge to weep over the losses to come seems overwhelming.

Two critical comments only:

me drifting of to sleep.

Above is the last line to first stanza: you mean "off" to sleep.

me drifting soon to die.

Above is the last line to last stanza: it would be more powerful, I think, to rephrase it as follows:

me drifting off to die.

This is then a nice repeat of the last line of the first stanza, with a single, dramatic change.

To sum up, a poem that is loaded with any number of interesting interpretations and while I don't consider mine to be what you necessarily had in mind, it's how I read it, and that's what was important to me. I've got to move on before I figure out two or three other meanings *Smile*

Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
148
148
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Brittany,

This is very, very good. I'm not sure I laughed out loud, but I smiled -- and widely so -- from the beginning until the end. *Smile* Except for my nitpicky remarks below, I would consider this poem almost perfect, with little or no need for revisions of any kind. And that's rare for me to say that. Very rare.

Okay, so this is delightful, fun and funny, and "almost" ready for prime time. First check over my comments, however, and see if you want to follow my sage advice *Smile* I finish with a few more words afterwards.

I could be bold and tell you,
just set aside the coffee pot,
But if I did I could not share with you,
my villainous like plot

In the last line above, "my villainous like plot" is awkwardly stated and doesn't look or read right. Instead of "like", consider another adjective such as "sinful" (as just one example). The line would thus read: "my villainous, sinful plot"

And we’ll keep them awake forever,
to endure this life of ours,
And for once they all will understand,
why we are all such sours.

In the last line above, "sours" is not a word, and you're trying to make it one *Smile* Sometimes that works, but not in this case, in my opinion. It's a "forced" rhyme where you needed something to go with "ours". The rest of the poem is far too good to suddenly lapse into anything less than near perfect. Let me know what you come up with, if you follow my near perfect advice *Smile*

If by chance I do not make,
and to sleep I fall,
Please forget I ever said these words,
forget I made this call.

In the first line above, I get the feeling you left out the word, "it". Thus the line would read: "If by chance I do not make it,"

Okay, that's it. Could I nag you about another word or two, here or there? Probably. But I won't because I believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. It's your little masterpiece and once you apply my magnificent fixes, this work will awaken all those sleepyheads who're looking for something really good to read *Smile*

I have a feeling that everything you write would make me smile in one way or another. Keep up the nice work.
Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
149
149
Review of The Letter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Websterb,

Since you asked, I can help answer some of your specific questions as they relate to this obviously ongoing story.

As for the dialogue, it all works fine, but there is a pattern to it that you need to be aware of, if you're not already. Or, I should say, a pattern to be avoided. There are a lack of contractions in the dialogue that results in stiff, overly formal speech.

"I'd like to tell you a story Mr. Akazawa. It's a true story, by which I mean I'll narrate a personal experience.

In the line above, I've inserted contractions wherever possible. This doesn't mean I suggest you do it this way, or that this character is the one who should speak like this. But somebody should *Smile* We just don't want all our characters to "sound" alike or speak alike. The "way" a person speaks can identify them as much as any clothing, scars, or other physical artifacts.

In this particular section, Toro has too little to say, I think. He is very quiet, although he does think a great deal. That's okay if it fits the story. I'd like to see something where Toro himself notices, however, that Urawa is doing all the talking.

Secondly, your paragraphs are too dense. Firstly, did I mention how well written I thought this was? If not, let me do so now *Smile* Really. That said, your paragraphs are too dense *Smile* What I mean is that they are too long and contain too much information for being individual paragraphs. What follows are your first two paragraphs that I have broken in places where I think it works better. See what you think.

I was in the kitchen making coffee when the letter finally arrived. I heard the violent clash of the letterbox, a signal for the morning post. From outside a grey light trickled in through somber clouds.

I resisted the urge to go and look immediately and waited until the coffee was freshly brewed and I had poured myself a cup. I couldn’t stop my heart beating in anticipation, just as it did every morning at this time.

It had been a month now and waiting had become a piece of my life. I wonder whether part of me wanted this to continue indefinitely. Waiting has purpose, when the wait was over I knew everything would change. Maybe I wasn't ready for that.

I walked through the small corridor that joined the kitchen to the living room and entrance. I avoided my reflection in the hallway mirror. Seeing an unshaven specter of myself in my frayed dressing gown was not something that was going to lift my spirits.

The post had landed in a chaotic jumble. I crouched down and carefully sifted through (the pile). I pushed away pizza delivery leaflets, bills and various junk mail to find, quietly sitting at the bottom, a small white envelope that had my name and address carefully printed in small blocked letters.

Okay, I'm back and I hope that was helpful. One of the reasons I dislike first person, present tense, is because it limits the amount of description we can write about. Everything has to be seen and experienced from a single POV, which is difficult to express, but especially hard to elaborate with lots of adjectives or "objective" observations about things.

Given the limitations of first person, you appear to be doing a good enough job of it. All you're really left with is dialogue and plot, so it better be good -- really good -- and captivating. I don't know if you achieve that, but it is too early to tell. Depends on what's in the letter and who this Urawa guy is.

In closing, the writers who do well with dialogue understand that it doesn't have to just "sound" real or authentic. It has to be "alive" and exude all those things we normally take for granted. Things like sneezing, coughing, sniffing, hesitating, clearing one's throat, spitting, swallowing, and a hundred other nuances that make the dialogue come to life, instead of just being words on the page. This is something that even in first person, can be described with great effect.

And characters also interrupt each other, sometimes frequently. A lot of authors avoid interrupted speech because it forces them to use what's called an "ellipsis". I've made a science out of the use of this little devil, so let me know if you want to know more *Smile*

I hope this is helpful and seriously, let me know if you have any more questions.
Bob

A shared group image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
150
150
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Luka,

I think you're on to something here. A somewhat fresh approach to an old theme that's been done many times before in many ways. But there's something about your presentation and execution that caught my attention and was worthy, I felt, of a few observations and comments. Especially given that this genre is one of my personal favorites *Smile*

I like the innovative twist of "serial killer meets overeater" and find it to be an interesting if not a largely original theme. This is particular true as it pertains to a "seven sins" approach. You've set the bar fairly high for yourself because all the other stories will need to be as new and unexpected as this one. A nice challenge if you're up to it *Smile*

Depending on how you "wrap" all these up, a singular theme would make a nice way to tie things all together, despite the stories themselves being different. For example, it would be easy to cover all the sins while "working" out of the same diner, albeit with different characters. It would be fun to focus on a different group of characters each time, but the previous ones, such as Harris and Sandy, are still "glimpsed" in the background, but are ignored as little more than other "patrons" of this "diner from hell". Could be a coffee shop, whatever.

As the author, don't be too skimpy with your descriptions or the horror and gore *Smile* Remember that in writing fiction, your characters and scenes generally need to be larger than life. Exaggerated but still believable. In this context, Harris should be morbidly overweight. Grossly so, if not totally disgusting.

We know what's in it for Harris, but not for Sandy. She gloms onto Harris because he "consumes" the incriminating evidence. It's a match made in heaven. Harris should be skeptical, also, as to why a beautiful gal like Sandy, would have any interest in him. Which we finally figure out. So does he. An added twist would be for Harris to give in, go along, and in order to keep the girl of his dreams, decides that his new taste for meat isn't all that bad *Smile*

Anyway, you get the idea. I also think the headline should read: Decapitated heads identified in Odessa county. Authorities still searching for missing bodies.

And then the rest of it is okay. Don't be too dramatic. The more straight (dull) the newspaper text, the better. Keep in mind also that he may be using a laptop or notebook. Newspapers would date the piece to present day. Even a cell phone type thing can have the same headlines for his local area news.

Remember: Fatter, bloodier, gorier, more descriptive, and prettier. And the same for all the stories. Don't hold back. Make me cringe *Smile*

Bob
** Image ID #1999423 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
217 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 9 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/timtuink/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6