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272 Public Reviews Given
437 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My reviews are thorough, honest, and balanced. I read each story/poem multiple times: once for pleasure and judging emotional impact, and at least once more to focus on the technical aspects. I like when writers have at least one specific question about their work when submitting it for review. It helps the reviewer understand the writer's intentions and thus provide more useful feedback.
I'm good at...
English grammar and spelling, suggesting improvements in word choice and sentence/paragraph construction, spotting plot issues and underdeveloped characters, offering specific suggestions for improvement, pointing out my favorite passages/characters/etc.
Favorite Genres
Literary fiction, fantasy, young adult, poetry
Least Favorite Genres
Very technical science fiction, romance, erotica, persuasive essays with poorly supported viewpoints
Favorite Item Types
I generally only review static items. Books and book entries are negotiable.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that isn't a static item or book.
I will not review...
1) Persuasive essays with poorly supported viewpoints. 2)Extremely rough drafts, unless the requester gives me a heads-up on what to focus on as I read.
Public Reviews
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Review of Friend's Forever  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Pretty! Nice flow and rhythm--it's really lovely to read. Favorite line: "Skirts, dresses, pants are forever on lend." It sounds good, and it's a really solid, tangible image, and a great metaphor for the trust and perpetuality of friendship.

Speaking of that, though, I'm getting mixed messages from this poem about the permanence-and/or-ephemerality of friendship. "They flow in and go" makes me think friendship is ephemeral. "Some last very long" makes me think semi-permanence. I'm not sure what to make of the "rifts divide" line--is it saying the RIFTS are short (spatially), or the DIVISION is short (temporally) (or both)? (If it's the latter, then consider saying "Sometimes" instead of "However" there?) But then there's "forever" repeated twice and "always" once, which suggest permanence. Of course friendship can fall into any of those categories, but toward the end of the poem, a particular person starts to be addressed, and it made me think, "How do you know that this person falls under the 'permanence' category of friendship?"

Technical comment: Are you going for the 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1 syllable scheme? That's the one I know, but I'm sure there are others, so I should probably stop counting syllables now ;)

Typo: "sew" should be "sow" (I think. Or do you mean sew?)

Keep writing!!!
Tealynn
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52
Review of The Red River  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Wow, powerful theme. Really strong imagery, good rhythm, a solid story, and it kept me guessing (in fact, I'm still not 100% sure) whether the girl is alive or dead, or if dies in the middle of the poem somewhere.

My favorite lines:

"Red river swim, limp and pale, a proven win."
"Catching her reflection amongst the mottled patches—"

A few questions about interpretation (I'm not very good at analyzing poetry, so I'm very interested in hearing what a poet actually intends so maybe I can learn to pick up on those things by myself):

1) In that line I just said I liked, what are the "mottled patches"--is it something on the girl's face, or something on the mirror, or is it just something totally abstract?

2) In the next line, what is the "depressed mass"?

3) I really like how the last line sounds--in terms of reading the poem aloud and letting the words resound, it's an excellent line--but I'm kind of confused about the "without a care" part. The rest of the poem is emotionally charged, but the last line claims that the girl doesn't care about what has just transpired. Is it just that she suddenly STOPPED caring? Is that what's meant by "BEGINS to stare" in the previous line?


There are a few grammar issues, but it's poetry, so if you think they work for the poem, then they should stay. For example,

"Knocking her weapon off the sink, tears well against her face," -- technically that sentence is saying that the TEARS knock her weapon off the sink.

"But deep down she couldn’t hide and begins to stain." --this line reads a little weird to me because of the two different verb tenses. It doesn't obscure the meaning of the line, but it did kinda throw off my groove while I was reading this otherwise smooth poem. Wait wait waitttt! Scratch that. I think it's the PUNCTUATION in that line and the two above it that threw me off. What about using em dashes instead of the semi-colon, like this:

"As she thinks of all the lies--
Those wonderful lies to kill all the emptiness and pain,
But deep down she couldn’t hide--and begins to stain."

Does that version convey the sense you intended? It's still not grammatically correct since the sentence starts with "As", but it's a lot easier for me to follow if it's broken up this way.

It's so cool that you've put together so many books! So much dedication!!! It's really inspiring. I hope one day to reach that point. Thanks so much for sharing your writing.

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53
Review of My Favorite Bison  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What a beautiful story! It's completely captivating! You had me crying at the end, and I was just reading about it--I can only imagine how you must have felt at the time.

Have you ever written a memoir? It sounds like you have lived an incredible life!!! You must have a million stories. I hope you are working toward putting them all together into a memoir or an essay collection or something for publication (if you haven't already). You obviously have wonderful things to share with the world.

As for this story, the content is amazing, and the growth of your relationship with Billy parallels his own growing up. You also describe your setting with just the right amount of detail--I felt like I was there.

The only part of the story that could possibly be improved is the flow of the story. Some of the paragraphs have a lot of different things going on in them. Here's an example of one of your very well-structured paragraphs:

"He loved to play games. One of his favorites was to sidle on over to where I sat on the split rail fence and push on my leg with one of his growing horns. It pinched a little as he lifted me about an inch off the fence. I knew what he wanted. I’d slide down beside Billy, grab a handful of hair and swing onto his broad back. We trotted, cantered, and galloped about. It was fun and I hadn’t forgotten he was a wild animal that could be dangerous. So I was always ready to bale if necessary. I think he wanted me on his back to be close. He never once bucked."

The first sentence of that paragraph sums up the theme of the rest of the paragraph--it's all about playing with Billy. If a reader reads "He loved to play games," he/she expects a paragraph about playing games with Billy, and this paragraph satisfies that expectation perfectly. Here's a paragraph that doesn't quite follow those rules:

"Billy was very attached to me because I was his only “mother” he remembered. So I could climb over the split rail fence to feed him or clean his paddock. He was starting to grow too big for his enclosure. He was still my baby Billy with his long blue tongue that felt like sandpaper. It was also long enough for him to pick his nose!"

That paragraph's first sentence made me expect to read about your mother-like bond with Billy (examples of how he treated you like a mother, etc.) However, the paragraph is really about Billy growing up (which you could easily relate back to the maternal bond thing--saying something about watching him grow up like a mom watches her kid grow up), and then it talks about his tongue. The parts about Billy's tongue should probably be its own paragraph (definitely don't take it out--I love that part!!!), or maybe in another paragraph where you talk about Billy's physical features.

So, just looking at little things like those will help improve the flow of the story. My only other word of advice is to work on varying sentence structure. Most of the sentences in this story are "subject", followed by "verb". It's hard for me to explain for some reason, so I guess my advice would be to look back at something written by one of your favorite writers and see how they build their sentences, how they shuffle around the pieces of a sentence to create a certain rhythm and keep our attention. Really good writers have that special rhythm to their writing, and I believe that if you read enough good writing, you'll pick up on the rhythm (I'm still trying to get to that point...I haven't read enough yet, haha.) If that doesn't make any sense, let me know. I'm really bad at explaining things.

Again, I really enjoyed this story. Thank you so much for sharing.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very beautiful. I enjoyed it, so I read it twice. I really can't say I understand the man's motive, but I feel like I got something from the story anyway.

The ending is perfect.

Some parts are a little overdescriptive, in my opinion, for example the first and seventh paragraphs. There are several nouns that are modified by not just one, or even two, but three adjectives, and it bogs the reader down a bit. For example,

"It was frozen solid and covered in a thin layer of snow, and if weren't for the completely flat featureless surface and a small dock on one side, he might have thought it a field amidst the gnarled naked woods."

I would love to hear where this story came from, and why you wrote it, and what it means to you. I'd especially be interested in discussing the line "Poor fools, in youth they had thought it would always be a dream. "

Thanks for sharing!
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This story is a riddle that I feel like I'm on the verge of getting right, and I REALLY want to know the answer!!!! Can you explain to me a little about the narrator? Is he a spy, or a traitor, or just someone in the wrong place at the wrong time? And what's with the person he's writing to? Is SHE a spy, or a traitor, or bait that the MI6 uses to lure spies or traitors? (Or am I way off?) And what about the Chrysalis? Why is it called that (aside to fit in with the theme of slugs and spiders and flies)? What exactly happens there, and why does the MI6 want to shut it down? Is there a clue that I'm missing?

I hope you can find the time to help me out here, because I really enjoyed reading this (couldn't stop once I started, and when I was done, I read it again), and would love to know more about it!

Tealynn
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56
Review of Mountain Ranges  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the theme of this poem--so big and heavy and deep and mysterious. I'm curious to know where you were (or where you were thinking of) when you wrote this. The language is beautiful. The imagery evokes immenseness and ancientness and...wisdomness. And makes me feel very small. It's a very atmospheric and (most importantly) thought-provoking piece. Very well done.

The meter is so perfect throughout most of the poem that it's REALLY obvious when a line breaks the rhythm. A few examples, along with some other comments, follow.

"On broken views to which we dine," - Do you by any chance mean "ON which we dine"? If not, could you explain to me what this line means?

"That ever they wonder how we share." - I had to read that a few times before I could fit it into the rhythm of the poem. If "ever" were replaced with a good old-fashioned "e'er," it would flow more smoothly, but would that mess with the overall impression of the piece?

"Is it that long ago" - Another place where the change in meter tripped me up. This line seems too short. (Even so, I think that's my favorite stanza in the entire poem.)

"For their mystery challenged," - This line is conspicuously arhythmic. In my opinion, it's not a good lead-in for the last two lines, which are AWESOME! They remind me of the last line of my favorite poem.

Two typos: "dawnes" => dawns, "evesdrop" = eavesdrop


Thanks for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading it.

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Review of Companionship  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Title: "Companionship" 

Author: Untucoi

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Plot: A wizard and his companion are walking in the woods. All of a sudden, a monster jumps out. They kill it and go on their way. The plot takes a backseat to character interaction in this piece. The story sets up one pivotal event for the characters to face together, and that's all it really needs.

One question: While they're fighting the stinking monster, is the monster fighting back at all? From what you've written, I am picturing a stumpy, blobby thing, and I'm not exactly sure how it's threatening the two friends (you do refer to them as its "prey", so it must be hunting them, but there's no indication that it has any way of actually harming them, or it being intent on doing so.) Can you add some details about how it's acting, and what threat it poses to them?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: There is no setting description. All we know is that they're walking in the woods. We don't even know where they're going or where they've been. Some details about what the characters are seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, tasting would help immerse the reader in the story.

         Rating(/5): *Star*

Character development: All throughout the first and second paragraphs, I thought Thanor was a bird. It was really disorienting to find out he was a dragon in the next paragraph. I had to go back and read the previous one again to see if I'd missed something. If you could somehow clarify that while still keeping the vagueness leading up to Thanor's actual introduction, that would be really cool.

Most of the dialogue between the two is funny and endearing, but I'm not sure I follow the argument about accomplishing certain amounts of things in certain amounts of time.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling: Grammar and spelling are great.

Commas are largely up for interpretation, but I noticed several comma, and other punctuation, issues. I assume this is a rough draft and that you'll clean those up later, but just let me know if you'd like me to be more specific.

My only other suggestion would be to tighten up your prose--make sure every word counts. A few suggestions:

"He slowly folded back his blue wings from over his head. As he did, his wings sparkled and shone like a sapphire..." That phrase isn't necessary. It doesn't add anything. I've heard that avoiding "as" phrases is a general rule for strengthening your prose.

"The ribbons were a shade of blue that could only be described as the flash of a mighty arch of lightning." That phrase is pretty weak, so it dilutes the strength of your prose. If it can only be described that way, then just describe it that way!

"No sooner had he finished the statement, than his stomach could be heard grumbling grumbled loud enough to make Raneor squint."

Other things I noticed:

Typo: "Will take us less time then thanback tracking I dare say."

"“Wow, and you thought it stunk stank from over there?"

"What is it about you humans that make you think everything else fears death as much as you?" Would a sentient creature refer to his species and every other species besides humans as "everything else"? Wouldn't he say "other beings" or something like that?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Overall: I like the idea of a simple scene involving two old friends who tease each other playfully. Add a few more details about what's around them, and what's HAPPENING around them, and it'll be even better!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

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Review of Nashville Gail  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Great poem! The title is perfect, I like the rhyme scheme, and the gathering storm imagery is wonderful.

The meter gets a little rocky toward the end- well, really just the line "Now the poor traveler tried at ten past three" (had to read it several times before I could fit it into the rhythm of the rest of the poem).

In the last stanza, it seems like something is missing--there should be a reference to the wind somewhere in there. "With twice of the force that the marquee forecast, the lady just couldn't any longer hold fast" doesn't work by strict rules of grammar (oh, also I would take out the "of" in "twice of the force"), nor does the last line "And sent her away, light and hands free", since there wasn't any reference to the wind in that sentence. However, it IS all perfectly clear from the larger context, so maybe it's one of those let-poetry-be-poetry things!

I really enjoyed the last line. It leaves the reader with a certain feeling of levity :)

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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Title: "The Crumbling Rock" 

Author: FictionAction_Sword

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Plot: What a great start to a story! It's full of action, and begins to set up a solid story line. There are also questions that I can't wait to find the answers to in subsequent chapters, like what happened to Quinn directly after he went to the orphanage--how did he become a wizard's apprentice (and WHY did he become a wizard's apprentice--was it to avenge his parents' deaths, or is there more to it than that?)?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Scene: AWESOME description at the beginning, with the golem forming out of the rock. I'm terrible at writing action, so I always marvel at people who can do it so well! Good job sprinkling in other setting details throughout--the trapdoor to the safe room, the dining hall in the orphanage, etc.
The description of Quinn's village itself is a little lacking in specific details. You use pretty vague phrases like "towards the small town he lives in." Does the town have a name? How far is it from where they were creating the golem? Is there anything you can tell us about the town--what are the houses made of? Are there trees? Is it by a river or stream? Of course don't go CRAZY with details, but a few (especially town name, in my opinion) would help the reader visualize.
Does Quinn have his own room in the orphanage? I've only read about orphanages, but they always sound over-crowded to me, and it seems like it'd be rare that a kid would have a room all to himself. But maybe Quinn did something to make the adults think he NEEDED his own room...? Could be an interesting opportunity to give some details about Quinn's personality!

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Character development: We know a little about Galafas so far, and we're getting to know Quinn pretty well already. There's definitely good groundwork here to build some interesting characters.
Most of your dialogue sounds really natural. Great job on that. I have one suggestion: To me, the line "Now I am going to go create some potions" sounds like something someone would say if they were making fun of a wizard. I think if you were a little more specific, or used some "technical" phrases, it would sound more like something an actual wizard would say. What KIND of potions is he going to make? Where will he be? Does "making potions" involve gathering materials from a garden or something, or is he just going to be hanging out in a laboratory or in his hut or...? I guess what he says ultimately depends on his character. Is he super serious, or is he playful (sure doesn't seem playful to me so far, but who knows!)? Mysterious or straightforward? etc.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling: I realize this is a very fresh, unedited piece, so I won't go into detail about the punctuation and capitalization and all that, since I'm sure you'll clean it up later. (I hope you'll let me know when you do, so I can raise my rating accordingly.)
Watch your verb tenses--most of it is in present tense, but there are a couple spots where past tense verbs sneak in, such as the very first line, "A chilling wind SWEPT over...", and "suddenly he CAUGHT a glimpse of his mum and dad standing together, he LISTENED carefully", etc.
Also watch out for repetition--there are a few spots where the same word is used several times, such as the third paragraph (the word "rock" occurs 7 times). Synonyms are a way to avoid that (you use "stone" a few times as well), but there just aren't THAT many words for "rock". So you can either 1) rearrange the structure of the paragraph so you don't have to use "rock" or a synonym at all--though I don't recommend totally redoing that paragraph because it flows really well just how it is, as I mentioned before--or 2) be inventive with how you describe the material from which the golem is being created.
Also watch out for nonspecific words and phrases. For example, "Everything stops and Quinn gulps." Everything could be replaced by a more specific description. After all, EVERYTHING didn't stop, only the specific events that were just happening. Use that as an opportunity to give even more description of the events.
Here's my attempt at an example of what I'm trying to say:
"As the last syllable is uttered, the rock face in front of Galafas starts to crack and crumble. Quinn leaps back, eyes wide open with fear. The cracks deepen, bits of rock shards of granite start falling away, a big chunk of rock jagged boulder moves forward out of the rock cliff side all the while cracking and breaking to reveal a stone leg and foot, craggy arms of rock start forming, breaking reaching out into the open, this is followed by a chest breaking forward and then the other leg, lastly a giant stone head cracks out of the rock leaving a gaping hole in the side of the rock face mountain. Everything The crashing and grinding stop and Quinn gulps."

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

Overall: I really enjoyed reading this! I hope you decide to continue it--you've laid a great foundation for a story, and you've demonstrated that you have the narrative skill to complete it. I hope you'll let me know when you add the next chapter.

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

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Rated: E | (3.0)
Title: "My Place in Elvin Lore" 

Author: Sapphire

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Plot:A nice mystery + a plot to singlehandedly destroy evil + a skilled assassin = strong brew for a story. I liked how it started out with Pend in the tree, waiting for his moment of truth. Very suspenseful. And I really enjoyed the climactic fight scene--I wish I could write fast-paced action like you. Mine always comes out seeming flat and slow and boring (I think too much goes on in my characters' heads and not enough in the realm of the physical.) This story doesn't really have an ending though, does it? Do you plan to continue it? Is this chapter one of something bigger?
A lot of information about the plot and backstory are spelled out in the second paragraph. Perhaps try to work them into the action of the story, instead of having to break away from the present to explain the past?
"When I arrived I found three small children standing atop a young female elf." They were standing ON the dead elf??
"Why would someone kill this young elf? This does not add up, I told myself." When I read that, I found myself thinking it was a little premature for the narrator to decide that it did not add up.
It's unclear what happens between the narrator finding the dead elf girl and the narrator reading the note he found on her. Did some sort of police force show up? And if so, was the narrator still hanging around? I assume not, but it doesn't say where he goes or what he does.
"After what seemed like hours (about 10 minutes) the job was complete." How did he know it was about ten minutes if it seemed like hours?
"I spun around to see the first rider disappear under the large net I had placed above in the forest canopy, “Got to love trip wires!”" Did the narrator say that out loud to someone, or to himself, or did he just think it?

         Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: There's some great sensory description in this story, but sometimes it comes in big chunks instead of being dispersed throughout, and/or coupled with, the action of the story. For example, I liked the description of the room in the basement, but it may be a bit too extensive.

"The room itself was small, maybe 16’ x 16’." First, I find it odd that they measure in feet in this world (though I haven't read much high fantasy--is that a common thing, to use standard measurement?). Second, this is a strangely precise estimate of the room's size. I found it a little distracting.

         Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

Character development:
Pend does not trust his father's ability to rule. That's his main motive for going after Ksher himself. Also, he prefers peace over war (or so he says at the beginning.) But that's about all we know about him.
It would have been helpful to read about his Uncle Brome BEFORE Pend encountered him at the end. My emotional response to that moment of meeting was dampened because I had no idea what kind of relationship Pend had with his uncle--do they see each other all the time? Because that would make their encounter in the woods even weirder than if they never really saw each other at all. Does Pend respect his uncle, or did he always have a bad feeling about him? Etc.
"I’m not exactly sure what made me do it but I also removed her pendant and the ring and thus any indication that she was a royal messenger." As a reader, I found that hard to swallow. He had to have SOME motive--did he want to sell the things? Did he just like shiny objects? Was there something interesting about the ring and pendant that he wanted to take a closer look at in better light? It would be alright if he didn't have a motive if I as a reader could make SOME sense out of his actions. Maybe he had the ring in his hand because he was looking at it, and as the footsteps got closer, he felt the need to run, and inadvertently pocketed the ring...?

         Rating: *Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling:
The punctuation is a little rough, but not enough to obscure the story in any way. My reading slowed through some sections where I thought the prose could be tightened up a little so it wasn't so wordy. For example, "My mouth was dry and my stomach felt knotted as I fidgeted with my cloak holding it in place from the blowing wind." Try killing off some of the smaller, weaker words and let strong words convey the meaning of the statement. "Mouth dry and stomach knotted, I held my cloak in place against the
"A group of children on the other side of the lake suddenly began screamed excitedly and called for help...."
""After the girl ' s body had been fully recovered and taken within the city walls..." ...By whom?
"...and then a second click as if a latched had been released."
"I removed my gloves and took out a small piece of hallowed hollowed out tree branch..."
"I found the small red piece of red cloth..."

         Rating: *Star**Star*

Overall: Thanks for sharing! This was fun to read. Keep writing!

         Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

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"I am not cruel, only truthful." -SP
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Rated: 18+

Title: "The Spring will Always Come" 

Author: Salem O'Rourke

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Plot: Very suspenseful, but I was a little confused about one thing. In the first paragraph, it says James "was still in shock of the news he had just heard" about Natalie, which I presume is the news Mark came by to tell him--that they'd given up the search--but it seems James has known where she's been all along, so why would he be in shock at the news that they stopped looking for her, and why would it make her "miss her more"?
I'm very curious what James did when his dog vanished in fourth grade. You definitely piqued my interest there!
At the beginning of the last part, did Mark break the lock, or did the police? If it was the police, I doubt Mark would have been the first one to go into the shed and discover the...situation.

         Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: I enjoyed the description of the shed, and the matching key. Nice touch. The gore at the end was nicely done as well, though I found it weird that Mark didn't see what must have been MASSIVE amounts of blood when he first looked at James (he thought James looked "alright" from a distance).

         Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

Character development: As I mentioned in the "plot" section, I was a little confused about James's motives, and what he knew and didn't know, etc. I didn't like Sam--seemed like she sort of just injected herself into Mark and James's business, but maybe I'm misinterpreting. Maybe my problem is actually with Mark--I guess I just thought, if my boyfriend died recently and my friend was coming over to console me, the LAST thing I'd want her to do was bring HER boyfriend over with her, unless I was also really good friends with the guy, and I really didn't sense any sort of relationship between James and Sam.

         Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

Style/voice/grammar/spelling:
"Or, as James liked to think of it, it was mourning her lose." Lose = loss.
"James plopped down. She used to hate that, he thought. He loathed how he couldn’t stop thinking about her." What did she used to hate?
"Sam, looking out on the storm that had decimated to a light drizzle." Can "decimated" be used as an intransitive verb?
"He recovered, pushing further into the shed. He looked down as he treed upon rose petals..." Treed = trod
"Some still dribbled lazily from the gabbing wound on his neck." Gabbing = gaping
The story changes point of view right in the middle of the second section, going from James's POV to Mark's.

         Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

Overall: Creepy story! Great imagery, and the ending leaves room for speculation. How long had James known where Natalie was? How had he found her? What will Mark do now, knowing he couldn't save his friend? Thanks for sharing this piece.

         Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star*

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"I am not cruel, only truthful." -SP
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Review of Fuzzy Legs  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hee hee, great story. And I love the style it's written in- QUITE amusing *Laugh*.

Great job for a first entry! I'd put a large amount of GPs on you to win *Wink*.

Tealynn

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Title: "Blood Ties (Chp 5)" 

Author: Richard T. Clark
____________________________________________________________________________

Plot: We meet some new characters and find out a little more about the history of the period. The chapter ends with the sort of urgency I've been expecting to feel through the whole thing.
The end of the chapter feels a bit rushed.

Scene: It's funny that you describe the outside of the church more than the inside, when it's so dark outside and the inside must be at least partially lit since the priest is writing.
Some description of the confessional would be nice too- was it dark mahogany wood? Did it have a certain smell to it? Did the door creak? Was the kneeler made of hard wood, or was it padded? etc.

Character Development: The priest is a pretty cool character. I like how smoothly you introduce him as Seamus's brother. Very artfully done (though I think you can do it without citing the priest's thoughts- made more notes about that below.)
How old is Matthew? I'm sure we'll find out more about him later, but it'd be nice to be able to start forming a mental picture of him now. He can't be very old, but the way they talk about him makes him seem older than he could possibly be.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Style: Lots of "as" sentences. Try weeding some of those out. Otherwise, everything is good. Made specific remarks below. Oh, there are some point-of-view things that didn't make much sense to me, and I noted those below too.

General comments: Lots of suspense, and a new member joins the escape group. The cathedral setting is a multifunctional one, and the priest brother is a great (and functional) character. Setting description. could use some beefing up, especially since you seem to be fond of it, judging from the paragraph about the church. All in all, a pleasant read :) Keep writing!!!


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"I am not cruel, only truthful." -SP
My cup of opinions runneth over- feel free to ignore me.
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"Though rain had not yet fell fallen..."

"...as they advanced through the rows of graves..."

"As they walked their tired feet scuffed the path running through the graveyard and reverberated off the tombstones." How about "Along the path through the graveyard, the scuffing of their feet reverberated off the tombstones." or something of that nature? There are too many "as" sentences in this paragraph, for one thing.

"Séamus He came to a halt halted(?) beside the grave marker his gaze had been set on." Can you rework this paragraph so you don't have to refer to his focal point in this manner so often? His "attention was fixed" on something, then "the spot he had focused on so intently," then the thing "his gaze had been set on."

"There they stood in silence and near total darkness." If it's (almost) totally dark, how did he see the grave, let alone read what it said?

"...or show any signs of life, save the rising and falling of his chest with each breath." That's a pretty good indicator of life-- are you sure you want to make the claim he showed no signs of life? It's like saying a toad doesn't look like a frog, except that it's small and green and has powerful back legs made for jumping, and webbed toes and...*Laugh*.

"Not now, when there were more pressing matters."

"The exact year of the tower's erection ... glow in the night's darkness." This paragraph has a very different tone from the rest of the story and thus stands out quite a bit. Can you connect these thoughts more strongly to Seamus, since this chapter is from his POV? How does he know all this stuff about the cathedral? Is it verbal lore? Did he read a book? Also, it's odd that so much detail is given about a building that can't be seen clearly because it's nighttime. Aside from those context issues, it's a very well-written excerpt- the nice historical details I've been waiting for *Smile*

"A priest sitting near the pulpit ... recently entered congregates." I guess this is a pretty small cathedral? In the ones I've been in, there's no way you could see someone near the pulpit in this much detail if you were standing at the entrance, especially if it's not daytime. Oh, and is "congregates" really the word you want to be using? To me, it implies a bigger group than three. But I suppose it IS possible to have just one "congregate."

"Séamus leaned close to Treasa and whispered something in her ear inaudible to the priest watching them from forty feet away." The "whisper" speaks for itself. And you already established that there is distance between them and the priest.

"He seemed to give her direction of some sort..." Whose POV is the story in now? I thought it was Seamus's, but if it were, the reader would be privy to his thoughts. Well, I mean, you can keep them secret if you want, but you shouldn't say "he seemed to give her direction"- it puts distance bewteen the reader and the character. If you just say he whispered and then she acted, that would work just fine.

"The priest's confusion at the sudden occurrence of events was evident." To whom?

"His jaw had fallen slack...and approached the confessional himself." Is it really important that we get the PRIEST'S view of this scene? If not, you should consider staying inside Seamus's head. You could easily convey the unusualness of the events without having to cite the priest's mental state.

“Go on,(comma) my son," He added, ". What is the nature of your sin?”

"Dominus noster Jesus Christus... in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.” Is it really necessary to include the ENTIRE latin rite? Only a few of your readers will understand it. Most will just skip over it. You could keep the last few words in, since they're more familiar, but the rest you could sum up as "...absolution in a nervous jumble of Latin" or something-- a phrase that ADDS something to the scene (in this example, it would add the priest's reaction to Seamus's confession- though of course it may NOT have been "nervous"- I'm just guessing.

"Centered across the room from the door was a life-sized portrait depicting the Mother Mary painted onto the wall muraled onto the wall..." How about "Painted onto the wall across from the door was a life-sized..."?

"The smell of wax and incense stimulated Treasa’s olfactory glands." What would a poor 19th century Irish countryman's wife know about olfactory glands? Just curious. The statement definitely stood out to me.

"She removed a beautifully crafted necklace..." "Beautifully-crafted" is a telling statement- you SHOW it very well in the next sentence, so this phrase is more distracting than helpful.

"...a result of the physical and mental fatigue from the long travel and sudden uprooting..." This SHOULD be obvious to the reader by now, or at least phrase it so that it doesn't sound like you're telling the reader something they don't already know. Maybe "Physical and mental fatigue caught up with her, and tears rolled down her face as..."

"...and the wind could be heard inside the cathedral..." By whom?

"Gerard said that he was more pleased then than he had let on..."

"When morning came they found Gerard had already went gone out..."


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Rated: ASR | (1.0)
Hi, Cmac !
Thanks for posting in my forum *Smile*. I'm glad I had the opportunity to read this sketch.

I'm totally intrigued by the physical description of Lia. It's well thought out- scars always have amazing tales to tell. I also like the combination of elf and the eastern motif.

You spell Lia's last name two different ways, just so ya know *Wink*.

"Lia didn’t learn of the assassination orders until it was too late to save her King." I'm anxious to see how you will work this in without making Lia come off as the worst spy EVER, haha. How much of the failure turns out to be Lia's own fault? Is Kymil a complete and utter mastermind who learned of her infiltration of his family very early on and thus had a chance to better disguise his plans? Was Lia completely and utterly distracted by something and thus missed the information that was right in front of her?

One thing that your synopsis lacks is a good picture of the geography of the world and some explanations of each area's cultures. I got a little confused as I followed Lia through Faerun to Kara-Tur, I think just 'cuz I'm not sure exactly where Lia herself comes from. You say the people from Kara-Tur have customs "more like the elven way" of life- does that mean Faerun doesn't have elves in it?

Chronology- So, the king dies, she chases Kymil across Faerun, the trail runs cold, she spends a month trying to find it again, then she gives up and hops aboard the caravan, and travels "with them for over two years." When the messenger shows up, the king has been dead for forty years. That means she spent 38 years chasing Kymil around the country, for 37 years and eleven months knowing pretty much where to find him and yet never being able to kill him, and losing his trail after all that time? OR did she spend a whole bunch of time hanging out in Emmech after she lost the trail and before she found the caravan? I'm sure you know which of those is true, it's just not stated in your synopsis, and I'm curious.

Haha, Baldur's Gate- is that a placeholder name, or are you really planning to use that in your story? (Either way is great, of course. I have a blatant anime reference in my novel, hee hee.)

"The first rays of the sun were peaking over the horizon as she made her way through the narrow streets. Lia’s entrance to the town went unnoticed by everyone except a few stray dogs and a one eyed cat. The earliest risers were yet to stir and the latest revelers would have passed out at least an hour ago." This imaginative, descriptive passage makes me anxious to read the actual novel- it shows that, not only are you good at organizing a story, you also have a knack for the actual writing part.

Great scene at the end. Another hint that the actual novel will turn out very well.

It was a pleasure reading your notes- if you have any specific questions for me as a reader, let me know and I'll try my best to answer them for you.

Also let me know if/when you add to the synopsis (geography, more events in the timeline, descriptions of more characters, subplots, etc.) and if/when you post the first chapter of the novel!

Since this is just a synopsis and some notes, I suggest turning the "rating" option off on it, if you know how to do that, and just accept comments/reviews for it. (It's just my humble attempt to put some meaning back into the star rating system.) I'm rating it a "1.0" simply because it's a rough, incomplete work- and it's definitely not a short story, which is what you have it marked as. I think there's an "outline" option in the list of item types, and if you change it to that, then I'll come back and raise my rating (though it's still not a COMPLETE outline.) I hope you keep working on the story- it sounds like it'll be an entertaining one, and you have a firm grip on it so far. Can't wait to see more details!

Thanks again for posting in my forum *Smile*.

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Title: "Expecting The Unexpected (Chp 4)" 

Author: Richard T. Clark
____________________________________________________________________________

Plot: Seamus and Treasa continue their journey to the port where they'll hop onto a ship to go to the US. They realize they only have three days to get there- that adds a bit of tension, something I feel like the story is lacking overall. Treasa's pregnancy adds a lot of tension, but *I* seem to be more worried about it than Seamus and Treasa do.
I was rather surprised (not totally bewildered, but surprised) that Treasa was pregnant again, so soon after she had her last kid and while she was still breastfeeding. Of course, it's far from impossible, but the chances are rather slim, especially considering she's probably not overly well-nourished and most likely still metabolically recovering from having Connell. But then again, I'm a biologist, and overanalyzing. I'm sure this kind of thing happens all the time.
Why do they go into the graveyard at the end? I guess it's a good hook, seeing as I can't imagine why they'd do that, but still...
The chapter is a little rushed- Consider taking time to let the full realization of their situation come over the characters. The characters are seemingly strung along by the plot, instead of actively participating in it.

Scene: You describe the setting and the weather, but there are a lot of other things you could describe as well, to pull the reader into the scene and make them sympathize with your characters. I'd definitely like to see more physical description of them, for one thing. Have you mentioned what they're wearing? When they're expressing emotion, the feelings would come across more strongly if you evoked some of their physical attributes- facial expressions, posture, etc. It's a lot more effective than just saying, "She looked startled at the news."
Some small details would go a long way to bring the story to life- what did the fish they had for lunch taste and smell like? What does the wooden doll look like? etc.
There also seems to be a lack of things that set the scene as 19th century Ireland. So far, this story could have happened almost anywhere with hills and soldiers (except for America, of course, since that's wehre they're trying to get to!)

Character Development: It shocked me that Treasa and Seamus were not more concerned over Treasa's pregnancy- don't they realize the full implications of that? I mean, sure, Seamus did the right the right thing by appearing calm and happy to hear the news, but wasn't there a glint of devastation in his eyes or anything? Is he REALLY that confident that everything will be fine when they get to America, that he'll get a job right away that will allow him to provide for TWO kids, along with him and his wife? If I were Treasa, when I realized I was pregnant I would have been swallowed up in dread.

Can you give a few more words about Connell? Does he cry at all as they walk? Does the gusty wind hurt his ears?

Grammar, Punctuation, and Style: The word "wind" occurs noticeably frequently in the beginning- consider changing some of the "wind"s to other words or restructuring sentences so you don't have to use it as many times.

I was pretty thorough in editing for the first half of the chapter, but then my editing was a bit more random because I was running out of time and there are, of course, more important things to address in the story at this stage than comma splices and stuff like that.

Favorite parts: "Rolling hills scattered the land in every direction..." Nice, descriptive line. It gave me a strong mental picture of the vastness of the hilly area they're walking through.

General comments: I'm still not very attached to your characters *Worry*. The plot is moving along- it's compelling and interesting- but your characters aren't very multi-dimensional, and it's almost like they're not really very interested in their own story (well, Treasa more than Seamus.) They're almost taking their situation too lightly, like it's a game instead of their life (again, Treasa more than Seamus.) I'd like to see more of their personalities and thoughts. You give lots of Treasa's thoughts in this chapter (which I've been waiting for, so I was glad to see them!), but nothing really concerning their situation at hand. Do the characters have any quirks, or interests, or anything? Did Treasa have to leave behind a huge basket of yarn and a collection of knitting needles to go on the journey, or anything like that? Just anything to make them come alive as people.
The highlight of this chapter is definitely the plot- and it's a wonderful one so far. It definitely compels me to read more, and I eagerly await the springing to life of the characters!


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"I am not cruel, only truthful." -SP
My cup of opinions runneth over- feel free to ignore me.
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"...the wind had really started to pick up. Starting in gusts..." Consider changing the first "started" to "begun" or something to get rid of the repetition.

"Rolling hills scattered the land in every direction..." Very cool line

"They had been trading off carrying him between one and other..."

"...her life would be changed forever." This is a rather empty, cliche line, and it stood out to me because the rest of your story has had an appreciated lack of phrases like this. Consider replacing it with something a little more specific to Treasa's situation.

"...but alternatively woke up on the bed receiving bad news from Séamus." Am I supposed to understand this line yet? It's VERY likely I'm just being a complete idiot, but this doesn't make sense to me. I guess my main question is, What bed?

"and Séamus turned to her(comma) breathing heavily."

"...in the grass next to himself and Treasa."

" It surprised her,(semicolon or period, not comma) in her haste back at the cabin she didn't even remember packing it, but was grateful she had."

"He had not approved of Séamus initially, and in truth this was what drew her to Séamus in the beginning, her fathers disapproval."

"...the news in the letter,(period) she had refrained from telling Aidan and Mary..."

""...Even if we could, it'd be too high profile.”" "High profile" seems like an anachronistic phrase to be using here- do you know when and where it first came into use?

"That's a long way to go on foot in only three days days' time."

"...but he was right(dash or semicolon) there was no alternative."

"Aidan didn't have much money to spare, so he couldn't buy very many of the flock."

"Connell laid lay contently..."

"Liam's gone to work on his brothers brother's farm."

"She looked startled at the news." This chapter is from Treasa's perspective, and she would not know how exactly she "looked"- consider giving a more specific description of what she looked like when she heard the news.

"In the distance a well traveled road round wound out of sight into the southwest."

"...and hold it just barley barely in our sight(period)"

"“Séamus,(ellipse, not comma)”

"He had misinterpreted what she was going to say again." This line is a "telling" statement, and it should not be necessary- convey this fact through Seamus's words, don't just state it to the reader.



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Review of Fashionably Punk  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awesome series of haikus. This describes my sixteen-year-old sister with disturbing accuracy. (Funny you should mention Blink- her favorite band.)

I love the last verse- a strong, poignant wrap-up. The line "rebellion for sale" is awesome too. The first three verses paint an incredibly vivid picture.

Strange how there are as many "nonconformists" these days as there are "conformists" (whatever a "conformist" is, haha.)

Excellent work- an enjoyable read!

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Review of Spear  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm going to be completely honest with you on two things:

1) This is the most beautiful thing I've read all week
2) I have NO idea what it's about!!! *Laugh*

I read the poem a good ten times (don't worry, it was really fun- I love how it sounds, especially the repeated line), and I couldn't figure out what exactly was going on- and I can't identify exactly what confuses me either, what keeps it from clicking fully in my head. I even followed the link at the bottom to your blog entry, but that didn't help much, hee hee. I may be trying to read too much into it (maybe it isn't as deep as I'm trying to make it, but for some reason I doubt that's the case), but I really wish I could make something of it! Ok, maybe this is part of what is confusing me: are the "virginal spot" and the "spot by the stream" the SAME spot, or is the story proceeding in a chronological series of events, thus making the second spot a different one (or I guess it could be the same but at a later date)?

I hope that crazy diatribe hasn't made you totally regret asking for reviews on this piece *Laugh*! Probably not the kind of feedback you were looking for, but I thought I'd offer it anyway. And I'd really love for you to email me and explain the poem to me!!! I'm definitely not familiar with this kind of writing, but I really love the format and the sound and the beautiful imagery, so I'd love to read more of it.

Keep writing :)

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Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem has a great message conveyed by wonderful, fresh imagery.

"For the hints and the secret-way-ins" I read through the poem several times, and each time, I read this as "secret-ways-in" -Would you consider changing it to that? It's kinda like "two mothers-in-law" (though mother-in-laws doesn't really sound all that awkward to me, so maybe that's a bad example!)
--By the way, that's also my favorite line of the whole poem *Smile*

"Watch the gates continue unmarked" - Maybe "remain" instead of "continue"?

"Your hippies to speak of peace between the two worlds" - This line is a sentence fragment, and it doesn't really connect to anything logically. It needs a verb, I think. "ASK your hippies to...?" (though I'm not exactly sure that's what you mean to say.)

The last two lines make me ponder. That's good.

Keep writing :)

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Review of The Weaver  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Oooh, I've always loved the Tapestry of Life motif! You've done wonders with it.

The poem isn't very rhythmic, and usually I don't like poems that I can't bob my head to *Laugh*, but your wonderful imagery totally made up for it. This is the kind of free verse I can actually appreciate!

Honestly, I didn't even notice there were any rhyming lines 'til I went back and actually looked for them. They apparently didn't connect in my brain while I was reading. That doesn't really mean anything, but I thought I'd let you know anyway!

"Blessed to lead a life
uncomplicated with unshakable faith" - The way you use "blessed" here is almost sarcastic, since in the poem it follows that this kind of life is boring. Not criticism- just an observation.

You use the word "straying" twice, in adjacent stanzas- I think you could come up with a word to replace the second one (in the line "Straying from the norm"), just to give the poem's language that much more variety.

The last stanza is gorgeous. It actually makes me EXCITED about getting older! Seriously! (My love for yarn and fiber arts may have something to do with that, hee hee- made the image more poignant to me *Smile*.)

Keep writing :)

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Review of I Had a dream  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful poem!

"A journey of dagger, and danger" <-- my favorite line *Smile* (for the record, I think there should be a comma after "danger")

Some suggestions:

"One like one never before;" Do you mean for that second "one" to be in there? Also, I'd change that semicolon to a dash or a colon- what comes after it isn't a complete sentence.

Wait wait... "Unknowing unlove, merely the stranger." <--That ties for the title of my favorite line *Bigsmile*

"And To this day, still we wonder" Uncapitalize the To

Great closing line. I love poems with great closing lines!

Keep writing :)

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Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem caught my attention because I love the Robert Frost poem of a similar theme.

Your metaphor is full of beautiful imagery. My favorite line of both forms of the poem is the last one. And that makes me happy- I love poems where the last line echoes in my head long after I read it.

To tell you the honest truth (and hopefully not sounding overly rude or pedantic about it), no matter how many times I read them, I could not catch the rhythm of either version of the poem. You have the proper number of syllables in each line of both forms, but the pattern of stressed/unstressed syllables is hard to catch, because it's not constant. The second line of the iambic pentameter form ("Much overgrown with thorns...") is a perfect example of the pattern I think this form of poem is supposed to have throughout- unstressed, stressed, unstressed...and ending with a stressed syllable. In the tetrameter form, the first line ("The path less travelled beckons me") has the perfect rhythm ("unstressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed" again), but it falls apart at the fourth line- the word "wretched" naturally has a stressed first syllable, but in your poem, the reader has to read it as wretchED to keep with the rhythm. There are many other places where the reader has to contort words to fit them into the pattern of the poem. (Come to think of it, the third line of the tetrameter version was awkward also, because you have to read "other" as "uhTHER.")

Overall, I like the tetrameter form of your poem better- I tend to like less wordy writing, and all you did to convert to tetrameter, it seems, was take out the "extra" words that you used to stretch the poem into pentameter ("and," "most," etc.) Also, I love poems with archaic words in them, but you're right- a lot of people don't. I say use whatever you think is right- "you" or "thou"- because there will undoubtedly be an audience for the poem no matter which you choose!

Keep writing :)
Tealynn

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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is awesome! I absolutely love the first paragraph. From the three things I've read of yours, it seems like you enjoy creating unique characters and then building a story around them, as opposed to developing a plot and a world and then populating them with cookie-cutter people. My characters are the focal point of my writing too- maybe that's why I like reading your stuff so much, hee hee.

Some suggestions:

*Note1*We grew up shaped by my wild imaginings, Lanie’s amicable willingness, Jeannie’s stolid spirit and Taylor’s stubborn heart. I was born on September 12, 1990. Exactly three months later, Lanie poked her misshapen head into the world, and another year or so after that, Jeannie and Taylor came out. (Consider moving the first sentence to the end of this paragraph, to make it chronological.)

*Note1*At that time (it's kind of unclear what time you're talking about- could you say "We spent the early years of our lives in Richmond," or "We were all born and raised in Richmond," or something?), we were all living in Richmond. Aunt Jennifer, Uncle Matthew, Lanie and Taylor lived in a house not too far from my home mine, ; my home which was just down the street from our grandparent’s house.

*Note1*Do you mean to mention Jeannie in the third and fourth paragraphs too?

*Note1*Ok, I got confused- the second paragraph led me to believe that Jeannie and Taylor were twins. Could you clear that up by saying "...and another year or so after that, Jeannie and Taylor came out a few days apart" or something?

*Note1*Could you move the paragraph that starts "Our parents were all working..." up to before the "Halmoni, or (our?) grandmother, became the babysitter."?

*Note1*"Like the time I told Taylor she was Pocahontas..." How about "There was the time I told..." Otherwise, it isn't a complete sentence.

*Note1*"I believe Police Uncle deserves a bit of explaining at this point." That line seemed out of place when I read it. First of all, when I read "Police Uncle," I wasn't like, "Huh? what the heck?" I was more like, "Ah, he must be a policeman." Also, it's so near the beginning of the book, saying "at this point" is kind of silly. The switch to the explanation of Police Uncle does need a good transition, but maybe you could say something about how much the girls liked him? Or just jump right into the next paragraph.

*Note1*"...the only one to bring beautiful, blonde women into the family, much to my grandparents’ chagrin." Do you mean he married multiple blonde women, had multiple blonde daughters, both, or do you just mean he brought them along to family functions?

*Note1*I strongly suggest you change the last line. The rest of the passage was so beautiful and moving, and then you hit the reader with the most cliche line ever written!!! Can you think of a line that would be a little more specific to this particular storyline? Not TOO specific, of course- don't want to give anything away- but just something...more.

I hope you plan to continue with this story!!!
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Review of But I'm Driving!  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hahahahaha, that's hilarious! In a totally terrible kind of way, hee hee. It's the kind of thing you know you probably shouldn't laugh at, but it's just so hilarious you can't help it. But there's also a serious element- events like this bring to light certain, perhaps undesirable truths about OURSELVES that we normally try to ignore, hee hee.

You're missing four commas: one after "box," one after "heard," one after "then," and one after "seriously." Just thought I'd let you know!

Keep writing :)

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Title: "Smoldering Dreams (Chp 2)" 

Chapter: Two: Smoldering Dreams

Author: Richard T. Clark
____________________________________________________________________________

Plot: Seamus plans the family's escape from certain persecution after having killed a British soldier.
Consider adding more details to their journey at the end of the chapter. It would be a GREAT time for them to have a meaningful conversation, or for one or both of them to have some thoughts that would help shape their characters a little more.

Scene: This scene could use a lot more detail. You hurry through it, instead of building tension. As I'm sure you've noticed, your chapters are extremely short! Of course, it's dang near impossible to get good reviews for longer pieces, but if the piece is good, people will read it. Put in some more details- more sights, smells, textures, sounds, tastes(?), emotions... What does Treasa put into the bags to take with them? The things she chooses to bring with them would shed a LOT of light on her as a character. This has the potential to be a completely, devastatingly dramatic scene, but frankly, I wasn't all that moved by it as it is now, and I felt like I should have been. The whole scene just seemed too....calm? Mundane? There wasn't much tension, and of course, they're in a VERY tense situation.

Character Development: I didn't really get any great insight into your characters in this chapter. They just seem to be vehicles for the plot. Maybe you could detail Seamus's frantic thought process as he tries to figure out a way to leave the country? And I think you could do a WHOLE lot more with Treasa in this chapter. Maybe while Seamus is out piling wood around the house, you could talk about what Treasa is doing inside the house, and HER thoughts on the situation (since you delve into Treasa's point of view a few times in this chapter anyway). And Connell, well, at this point he just kind of seems like another piece of luggage. What did Seamus THINK and FEEL when he saw his only son lying on the ground, screaming? That must have been a heartrending moment- but when he picks him up off the ground, you describe the blanket he wrapped him in in more detail than you describe what he's feeling!

Grammar, Punctuation, and Style: Combo-adjectives (totally made that word up, I dunno what they're called!) like inch-long, still-warm, fathoms-long, burlap-covered, still-open, and two-room, need hyphens.
You also tend to put commas between statements and quotations, such as this: "Her eyes did not waver from the body, “Séamus, no. My God, what did you do?”" These need periods instead (which I'm sure you're fully aware of, and were just typing too fast to notice the mistakes), OR you need to say, "Her eyes did not waver from the body as she said, "Seamus no...". I marked a few more of these errors below.

General comments: Again, this is a great backbone for a chapter. The plot is moving along, though it is very unidirectional and it seems pretty predictable, though that's just me being cynical, haha- I trust you have a great adventure planned for this family, and because of that, I will keep reading.

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"I am not cruel, only truthful." -SP
In other words, I'm assuming you appreciate honesty. If not, then disregard this review before it's too late!!!!
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"The sun breaking broke free of the clouds in the western sky, and blanketing blanketed him rays of light as he drew the water."

"He took an overturned chair from near the table, and a cloth from atop the mantle, and sat down at Treasa’s side."

"Her eyes opened, for a moment a look of evident confusion shown on her face, then the memories of her last minutes of consciousness came flooding back." Just noting that you're switching from Seamus's to Treasa's viewpoints. Do you intend to utilize Treasa's perspective a lot more in subsequent chapters? (If not, you may want to stick with Seamus's POV.)

"She sat bolt upright, “Connell” she said urgently." --> ""Connell," she said urgently, sitting bold upright."

"Dipping a corner of the cloth into the fresh water he lifted the cloth to her cheek, and..." You're basically saying he dipped the corner of the cloth into the water and lifted it to her cheek SIMULTANEOUSLY, which isn't really possible. You seem to be a fan of this sentence construction, just be careful that when you use it, the sentence actually makes sense (and the first part also has to be offset by a comma.)

"Séamus pushed her back down onto the bed “He’s all right.”" Missing a period after bed

"Undetoured, “But the sold-… Séamus, you’re hurt!” she said, her voice full of concern." Do you mean "undeterred?" And shouldn't you move it to after "said", or move the "she said" to after "Undeterred"??

"Her eyes did not waver from the body.(period, not comma) “Séamus, no. My God, what did you do?”"

"He continued cleaning the cut on her cheek.(period, not comma) “What was necessary.(comma, not period)” he said monotonously."

"“We must leave as soon as possible,(comma, not period)” Séamus said with conviction.(no ellipses) “How do you feel?”"

"“Good.” Séamus stood up. “I need you to gather our things. We will need to travel light and quick, don't pack anything we don’t absolutely need.”" - My God, the woman was just savagely attacked!!! How could he ask her to do this? Maybe she could volunteer to do it instead, against his wishes that she stay in bed? I dunno. Just didn't seem like a very compassionate thing to ask her to do. But maybe if you built up the urgency of the scene a little more, it would seem like a more understandable request.

"As he closed the door behind him he could see Treasa with Connell in her arms confirming his status of 'all right'." Whose status of 'all right'? Oh, you mean she's making sure Connell is ok. Maybe you could clarify that, or just delete the entire last part of that sentence.

"Outside he made short work of depleting the wood pile, stacking the logs at the base of the cabin's outer walls."

""I know, there are too many watchful eyes.(comma, not period)" Hhe said bitterly."

""...The British won't suspect anything until tonight when he doesn't return to his unit's garrison...."" Could you have him motion to the soldier or something when he says this?

"As they topped yet another knoll,..."

"Silhouetted against the numerous stars that dotted the night sky..."

"...a two room cabin with smoke rafting from its' chimney in the cool air." How could they tell it was a two-room cabin from all the way up there? They may already know it 'cuz they've been there before, it's just a weird thing to mention when they're looking at it from far away. It would be like describing the color of the wallpaper from way up there.

"...with smoke rafting from its' its chimney in the cool air."

"...light for the Kelley's (doesn't need an apostrophe- makes it possessive) to complete their journey..."

"...altered thier lives had finally began begun to wane."

"They reached the doorstep, and Séamus rapped his knuckles on the heavy oak door."

"A deep, coarse voice issued from within: "Announce yourself!""

""Séamus (no comma needed) and Treasa Kelley," he replied."

"The door opened and the light from inside fell upon the 'would be' travelers." What do you mean by 'would be' travelers?

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Awesome!!!!! You piqued my interest with two of my favorite things: science, and gore.

You seem to use semicolons in a somewhat unorthodox manner, like where commas should be. For example, here:

"Reaching down to pick it up; it was as he suspected."

and again here:

"Though the process took less than a minute; all her vital organs, nerves,..."

Semicolons are for complicated lists and for connecting two otherwise independent sentences. "Reaching down to pick it up" and "Though the process took less than a minute" cannot stand alone, so they need to be commafied (yes, I just made that word up), not semicoloned.

Good luck in the Writer's Cramp!!! This was an incredibly creative take on the "message in a bottle" prompt!

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