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51
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
It is obvious you have some grasp of some very old types of poetry. You are bringing out images in a kind of free-form manner which can be very revealing if you would develop one idea per stanza. By doing that, the reader can move along an emotional line that is easier to follow where you lead. There are a few words used in his piece that are very arcane, and not well known to most readers. One such example is the word "ley" in the third stanza. It's usage is rare, and is rarely good for a casual reader who would not understand the meaning in the line.

All in all, I like the images you begin to conjure in your verse, but I do wish you'd develop each of them in turn. I do hope to read more soon.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Pass  
Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This seems to be a good start to a story. Don't feel pressure to write down every emotion in a piece. Let the reader put the puzzle together. Many people write very quickly to get the idea for a story down before it slips away. That is what it seems you did here. To expand on it, all you need to do is go through it again and delete repetitions. What I do is put parentheses on each sentence that seems to repeat something or doesn't move the story forward. Then I either delete it completely, or replace it with something better. I also skip words sometimes. If you go back through and read it slowly, you'll find those spots where you skipped a word and you can add it as you go.

I do like the foundation for this story, and I hope you'll expand on it and complete the tale.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of *Addicted*  
Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Not bad. You delineate the emotion well with your descriptive narrative. There are a few word tense usage errors, but they don't detract from your meaning. I like the overall feel of this, and hope you will expand on the idea.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The story is fantastic. I love the flow, and it is all presented in an orderly fashion. I think the interlude with Robin receiving the notice should have been presented prior to Archer arriving in port to pick her up, with their encounter being presented from each side at the same time. I did find a few misuses of words, but that is all easily taken care of with a short proofread to ferret them out. All in all, I really liked it, and hope to see more as soon as I'm able to sit down on the site and look up your portfolio.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Shining Stars  
Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the emotions evoked in this piece. I do wish I had a better grasp on the context in which to view the narrators so that I could understand the piece better. Perhaps this is related to another work that I haven't read?

I do like it, though. I just wish I had a little firmer understanding of the context.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nicely presented, although I found too many repetitions in the "round & round" chorus verse. I think with just a little work, the repetitive phrase could be used about 4 times in the piece and a few other simple pieces to the relationship puzzle added in to bolster the thought. But, that said, I still like it a lot.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I really like this piece. I have a couple of things that need to be edited.

First, "the girl I had feasted on had fell into this category." Proper use would be that the girl you feasted on either "fell into this category," or "had fallen into this category". The modifiers 'had, has, or have' must be used with fallen, not with fell.

Second, you mention she was too hungover to drive, less walk. Since the hangover doesn't come until after the drunkeness has passed, and walking is the simpler task, it makes more sense to say "she was too drunk to walk, let alone drive."

Last item I want to mention is that she sat down on a coach in your living room. The first thing my mind literally pictured was a stage coach, and why would you have a wagon in your house? I know you meant to use the work "couch", and I always just say proofread at least three times before completing an edit.

The story line itself though, is very good. The concept of a kind of psychic feeding being described by the narrator is defined well enough to spike the imagination without limiting what could be in the mind of the reader. There were a couple of awkward little things that could be polished up, but all in all, I think it has a lot of potential. Oh, what words had she spoken? I was left wanting to know what your comparison referred to.

Don't get discouraged, I think it's great!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love the emotion this poem engenders. The passion of man in his different stages, childhood, manhood, faith, all together in one piece. I found the piece well-written, and would only change the very last line. I would find a way to separate it to keep it from seeming like the narrator is begging instead of praying. I hope that makes sense.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oooohh. This is so very thought-provoking. I like the way you brought out each individual perception change as its own unique event for this narrator. I will try very hard to follow this start, because the story has so many possible directions that intrigue me. Very, very good.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Absolutely priceless! The meter stumbled in a couple of spots, but it doesn't detract from the piece as a whole. I really see the makings of a classic here, and I hope you'll polish is just a bit more to smooth out the bumps. I am sharing this with several friends who are sure to appreciate it. BRAVO!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Absolutely fantastic! Remarkably, I knew about 1/3 of these words, having been exposed to them in an English literature class back in the 1970's. I think we should make an effort to reintroduce many of these to the language in an effort to encourage readers to make more use of the reference materials that exist. How colorful it is to once again see these old friends, and make an acquaintance with those I had never yet seen.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The message is obviously a very strong one, and it needs to be made clearer. I could follow it, but a casual reader probably would not. So, to help, here goes:

It needs paragraphs to separate each portion of the message from the next.

You are in dire need of just a few commas, to keep the reader from having to go back over a sentence to make sense of it. A rule of thumb for this would be, "if you are reading it out loud, a comma belongs at a natural pause." In other words, wherever you would stop in a conversation would call for a comma.

While this is obviously a very personal situation, the reader does need a little more information to go on. You mention yourself and your two youngest sisters, then mention another sister later in the piece. It would be very helpful if the reader had some idea of the makeup of your family.

Towards the end, it was obvious you were very excited while you were writing. I often find myself caught up in a moment and I lose focus on the structure. I like to put out things that are easy to read and follow, so I tend to proofread everything three times. So, when I first finish a piece I step away from it for one hour. Then I read it again, slowly, and make changes as needed. Then, I look at it again two days later and edit as needed. Finally, I look at it the third time two weeks after the second edit.

I always find something that I can simplify or expand on to make the story more complete.

I do hope you'll let me know when you're finished. I'll be more than happy to look at it again and make any more specific recommendations then.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Haunted  
Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A nice, honest look at a painful subject. It is very melancholy, and something that most people can relate to at some time or another in their lives.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent information, and a very good bit of guidance. It's good advice even for experienced writers. We all get a little lost sometimes, and having a few guideposts is very helpful. Thank you, thank you...I'm going to print this out and keep it on top of the desk.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I look forward to seeing where this leads. It should be interesting, and I might even participate by writing something to enter...we'll see. I like your viewpoint, and I think we might be in need of an Article Five convention.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the idea of a realistic dialogue between people. I would put forth the idea that we can all respect one another's right to an opinion, and even the right to change that opinion should a convincing expression of ideas is outlined and understood. I believe that the viewpoint of an American can vary in a number equal to the population, and we can still reach a consensus on most things, given the chance. Now I don't know how much we could depend on an elected official ever taking the time to read what we write, especially since so many of them seem capable only of reading the numbers associated with the most recent poll of their own popularity. But it would be fun to try, wouldn't it?

If such a forum were to form, I would certainly be willing to participate in furthering the interest of clearly stating the things that we should all learn about each other (and from each other).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The plot theory is good, but I am not yet comfortable with the idea of a neutral ruling force laying somewhere between good and evil as being one that will be easily accepted. In creating a mythology of this type, you will be bringing a challenge that might be very welcome, but you'll need to be careful in the use of familiar names. "Thanatos" is one of the names of Death, and is actually an established neutral being already existing in the mythology of Greece and other cultures. I'm not sure it can be used as the name of an evil being without causing a little bit of difficulty for the reader to suspend disbelief when the fantastic things occur. Otherwise, I like the premise, and I think it has a great deal of potential for an interesting story. I wish you well, and look forward to seeing more of this tale.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Every word is a dream unto itself. Every thought an action that works on the mind of the reader. May we always remember everyone who has the temerity to commit a part of themselves to writing, that we may take part of them with us forever. I thank all my fellow authors for allowing me to walk in your gardens, and thank you for walking in mine, however humble it may be.
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I get the concept, and I like it. You need to explain just a bit more about there being two cities in the same space though. It becomes confusing as the characters are looking at their own city and commenting on the other city located in the other dimensional space. Perhaps two characters who "get it" discuss it for a moment between each other, with some bit of descriptive differentiation between the two cities. Perhaps the city that is visible on the other side of the rift has a particular type of architecture, or appears as a broadly different color scheme than the city on this side of the doorway? This way there would be a more flexible descriptive narrative to help hold the reader's interest, and to help them suspend disbelief. But as a concept, I think it's pretty good. Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It took reading the first three paragraphs for the story to grab my interest, but once I got into it, I found I liked it. There were a couple of distractions in punctuation, what with the use of " * " a little too often. I think that once a character is introduced, there's no need to continue using quotation marks on the name. In one spot Benteen was addressing First Sargeant McCurry, who was saluting him. In the next sentence, you referred to McCurry as a corporal. It took me a moment to go back and check, kind of breaking the flow. I like the story, though, and will read on to see it's completion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very well written. In the early portion, you say they've been married for 41 years, then 42 years. It's a little thing, but noticeable. I absolutely love the way you describe her descent into fate, and the way in which she makes the transition from life to death. The imagery was quite vivid for me, and I enjoyed it immensely. I couldn't get the 'horrors of war' reference in regard to her parents. The same is true in mentioning 'the sins of her past'. Neither of these statements were supported with background earlier in the story. I would suggest something like 'the sins of her past, her own infidelities, her unrepentant desires all materialised, just as the alcohol-fuelled memories of the horrors of war had come for her parents'...or something like that. You'd probably have a better grasp of how to bring a little information into the characters much better than I would. All in all, however, I really like this piece, and hope to take the time soon to read more of your work. Bravo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Founder's Day  
Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oooooo....very good! I like the twist you took the story into. Glad you could do something with it. It wasn't what I expected, and that's why I liked it so much. Bravo! Is mystery your favorite genre? Just curious, because you seem to have that bend of mind.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very good start, and captured my interest pretty well. It gives a good amount of background, without exposing too much of what is obviously the greater story. I'm not sure where the story is going yet, of course, but I feel that things were beginning to wander towards the end of this excerpt. There wasn't a real foundation for the change that Mitch's friendship wrought in the narrator. There was no real mentioned background with "Drugs, depression and denial" on which to draw a contrast. Does that make sense? I like the imagery the excerpt brings to mind, and it's obvious that the plot will take us into the story of the violence and the revolution as the work progresses. In short, there might be something to be said for a short outline to work from, to keep each chapter on a particular theme. I do have one more thing I noticed that I have to always edit against in my own work. The use of a particular word, even a proper word or name is easily repeated too often. I keep a thesaurus close at hand when editing, to avoid cluttering my page with one word that becomes tedious. One example is the name of the town: Hampden. 9 times in the first four paragraphs. It began to be awkward while reading it. One tool I use is to read something aloud, slowly, during the third edit. I find that if I speak a particular word too often, it comes out awkwardly to my ear.

I'll look in to see where the story goes. All in all. a good start on what promises to be a good tale.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Rare BlueHair  
Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I absolutely loved this piece. The meter and tone reminded me very much of Lewis Carroll, one of my five favorite writers. I ran across one or two 'stumbles' in the meter, but they were so minimal, and I don't see how they could be avoided...actually, they don't need to be. Bravo on an imaginative image well created and well envisioned.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Vincent Coffin
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
It is a nice sharing of a moment and an emotion. I only have one problem with it, and that is grammar. There are several places that the use of a comma would have made the piece more understandable, and even more powerful. There is also a place where you used the word 'too' when it should have been 'to'. It's really imiportant to remember proper word usage and punctuation can make the difference in something being nice and being awesome.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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