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1
1
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
OH This is so cute, and quite fantastically written. Errors I found None. Good Job.


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Review of CRAZY WOMEN  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am not a fan of this poem, there is not enough depth. A simple expressive poem about men thinking women are crazy. I just think that though poetry repeats words, that the word crazy could be substituted with other words of the same meaning a few times to create the missing depth it needs. It is kind of a funny poem though. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Toressa  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*An Amiable Review of "Toressa" by: Velicity Phoenix*


I read these lyrics and I smile.

The Edit
There is only one part I would "edit" about this, and that is leave out the word "and" before love comes to my mind<this alone is powerful enough without the "and."

my favorite part
My favorite part is the second stanza. Such sweet words are written here.

Keep writing friend.

~V~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of The Diagnosis  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*An Amiable Review* by Velicity


You have been selected as the first recipient of my review after many months of Hiatus. I will be writing your direct quotes in italics I will make my own suggestions and show you what I think may be incorrect, if anything. I hope you find some use out of my review. Enjoy.

First Impression. A magnificently written story, How on earth will I ever review such talent. *Smile* The title made me want to read it, short sweet enticing. The story content is grand and inspirational.

Introduction.


I am personally not a fan of the "main character" First line introductions.

To quote your line " it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you" In my opinion would be a better introductory line. It is there that I got excited.

Body

In about the 15'th paragraph down, where you introduce the "hit man" I quote this part. "I saved him a lot of money" I feel that the words "a lot" do not express quite enough impact on the amount of money saved. Consider word revision here.

First paragraph of the first break


It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep. < appears to be incomplete, 'fogginess of sleep' to what?

Third paragraph from the break


Thinking it was some the stomach flu or an ulcer. This sentence is incorrect and an "add on to the previous sentence. I can see that you began typing your thoughts rather rapidly.

It needs to be re-written. look at the part some the stomach flu

6th paragraph from the break


you are what we call end stage.” the word "in" needs to be in front of "what". This is because a person cannot be cancer, but they can be "in" a stage of cancer.

8h paragraph from the break

When he came back into the bedroom his wife Linda, who looked worried, asked,


try a comma after "wife" and instead of "who looked worried," maybe "looked worried and asked " "

this way it reduces commas but still gets the same message. Just a suggestion.


last paragraph after the first break


He smiled when he thought about Shelby coming in to the world kicking and screaming. Upset from being removed from the warm and safe womb, and mad at the world.


I suggest conjoining the sentences. I do not think it would make them a 'run-on' as a posed to the last portion being an 'incomplete' sentence.

Second Break

Third paragraph from the second break

Torn between his wife’s constant reminders to remember to lock the back door, and the directions he gave the man he met behind the bar. < no subject. Who was torn?

7th paragraph from the second break

A grimace covered Pat Sajak’s face and as he responded, “I’m sorry Fran, there are no T’s.” look at this sentence again. Remove "and" and then read it again. *Smile*

13 paragraphs past the second pause

when he left his earlier in the day, Duncan went to investigate


maybe "when he left "it"

The last break

The last break was so very thrilling. I really found no errors.

My overall impression.

At first glimpse I thought I would find zero errors, and to my surprise I found quite a few. However, that being said, your story was so interesting that I believe it was that exciting to write as it was to read. You may have been corrected from these before but any story could use a nice "re-read". I love thrillers. It was somewhat predictable with the ending diagnosis. However, I did not predict the man to want to kill both, and I also did not predict Linda having a new boyfriend.

Nice idea written in a well descriptive fashion. I work at an ER so it is nice to read things like this with knowledge of the material. I really enjoyed the story and intend to read more. *Smile*

Thanks for the good writing ~V~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~An Amiable Review of Horses are heroes by Velicity Phoenix~


Likes I really enjoyed reading this piece. I feel that I learned a lot just by the description and vocabulary usage alone. I found zero actual grammatical errors. I also enjoyed reading it because I have always had a secret love of horses. I rather enjoyed the history you put into it as well.

My last like leads right into my only dislike. I like poetry that takes its title from it's ending stanza. And I like the fact that "Horses are heroes" is a great title due to the similarity in lettering aside from the extra "e" in heroes. It would have been a great title. However:

Dislikes I do not like that for some reason, I do not feel the title in this poem. I feel the history. I feel the great description. You use words of description that impresses me. You use a sense of poetic history that I have never seen before. You explain the wildness of their nature. You describe in a way that does make the reader look a horse differently BUT

I do not feel the horses as being heroes. From your writing I see them as maybe legends? *Wink* You tell us that they are heroes. But if I read a title that says Horses are heroes ..

I'd like to see something like how they were the real heroes of the wars the ones that saved their soldiers. Though they felt pain from many days galloping they still pushed through with the sweat gleaming from their mane. I want to see something that would show us their heroic features. Something that show them as warriors as well as throughout the history that you mentioned.

Overall impression Great work! This is not at all a bad piece. It's an excellent piece. I simply disagree with the title but that is merely a preference I suppose. Well done. You have been added to my favorites.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Going home  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
An Amiable Review of Going Homeby Velicity Phoenix


Impresion Your story is a pretty well written story of a person revisiting their home town. I liked it. The story flowed well. It was a decent read.

Errors I found zero errors, which is great. I am not perfect at finding them but it is great to read a story that has zero errors that jump out at you. *Wink*

Dislikes The only thing I disliked was it lacked luster. Although there might not be much the character liked about going home, I wanted to read more of the why. As in more description.

Or I wanted to read more description about what the character actually liked about their home.

Other then that, the story was was good.

Keep writing ~Velicity~

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Review of A Day To Remember  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An Amiable Review of A Day To Remember by Velicity Phoenix


First Impression: I normally do not review stories written in the teen category; but I saw this one up for grabs during the raid and thought why not? *Smile* After the first few paragraphs I immediately fell in love with this little story.

Dislikes
The only thing that I do not like about it is the large font. I do not know why, but I am one of those that is deterred from large fonts.


Errors There are a few minor errors, and the story could use a "once over". I will point out the one that jumped out at me the most, but I did not want to overly hound on the rest because I myself, am way less then perfect and the story is way too good to truly notice them unless you are picky. *Wink*


You organisational skills I believe you meant to write Your and I did not even notice until the Review Tool pointed it out but organisational was misspelled. It is spelled as organizational


Overall Impression Other then the minor issues this was a wonderful piece that made me smile at the end. I loved the way Christine got what was due to her. It was well written. It flowed well. I enjoyed it. A good read.

A note. Consider changing the title to

Fourth of July to rememberThis is just another personal preference. I love stories where the title is worked in the endings. I do not know why but usually gives me chills or an "AH" feeling.

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
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8
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Review of Juniper Park  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If I had the funds, I would give this piece a merit badge myself. I chose this piece to review out of clear random punching for the raid.

After reading it, I realized, this is the way to tell a true story that literally will make your "skin crawl". I absolutely love the vocabulary choice. The story flows well. The description is phenomenal for a true story. I have several accounts of true stories of my own and I always end up stretching the truth and call my stories fiction because I can never stick to the truth without making it sound boring. This is inspirational.

Thanks for the very impressive read. It has become added to my favorites and I plan to look through other readings of yours.


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9
9
Review of That Night  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
An Amiable Review of That Nightby Velicity Phoenix


First Impression: A nice story for a flash fiction contest.


Errors: Your errors were minor typos. But I have noticed even I make minor typos and forget to check for them *Wink*

put one on it word, I think this was meant to read ( put one word on it,)

there would be ho help coming. and I think the "ho" in this part was supposed to be "no"

Overall impression:I really enjoyed reading this little piece. It made me laugh and it gave a bit of chills at the end too. Nice job at creating the sense of irony that had a paranormal twist at the end.

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of The Puzzle  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
~An Amiable Review of The PuzzleBy: Velicity~

First Impression: A cute little story.

I gave this a 5.0 rating because I saw no errors. I also loved it because it kept me reading all the way through. The flow was nice. And I got a laugh at the end. I even wondered to myself what will happen when the cops catch up to this person.

Over all impression. A well written flash fiction piece. I hope you did well in the contest. ~Velicity~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Exorcist  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*An Amiable Review of The Exorcist by Velicity Phoenix*


First Impression: Dark. I got a n uneasy feeling before I began to read it. This rarely happens, and I have written and wrote many dark stories. Then I read that the possessed person was a mere 6 year old little girl.

First, I truly believe our children our safe from evil creatures like that. And society has "desensitized" our minds to the idea of bad things happening to children. It is sickening actually, what society, has done. But I digress. Second, a little girl, makes it harder for me to read. Oh goodness, I cannot even describe my feelings about that. But alas I move on.

Errors:

when I began to recite the Lord's Prayer. I ran out."
I assume you mean "It ran out"

because the next sentence below

to keep from running away shows Chase holding the door, but consider putting a "her" or "it" after keep. *Wink*

After that the story flows really well.

Overall Impression:

This story is much better and more exciting then the first one I read of yours. You actually struck fear in me at the beginning. I read it like I would have been watching any Paranormal Movie. I love the way you decided to use a Hymnal to expel instead of the Lords Prayer. That part was a nice twist to the traditional way.

Although short, this story had power and gave me chills. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
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Review of Ghosts or not?  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*An Amiable Review by Velicity Phoenix*

((keep in mind these are merely my thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. I am not perfect myself. I only hope that it helps in some way.))


I suppose fate brought me to your port. I chose this piece because I like to read and write in the paranormal and dark genre's. This was quite interesting.


First Impression:

My first thoughts is this is sort of a journal entry written about an experience. Personally I find the big bold words off putting. But that is just me.

Errors:In the third paragraph down, I believe "craftsmen" should be "craftsman" considering you are speaking of one solitary person.

7th paragraph down notice in the statement “I welcome you all and I'm am glad to have you with us. As you are aware, this building is haunted.”< that I'm am you need to either omit "am" or keep it at "I am" << just a simple typo.

and I think you lose me on past and present tense in this portion of the sentence>>> however I believe in a much sinister spirit in the world and I wanted nothing to do with it.

14th paragraph down
“I am heading for bed. I'll see you tomorrow morning if you all make it though the night.”

another typo "though" to "through"

approximately 33 paragraphs down...in this sentence

I froze, when the door stopped moving once again, << It would be okay and may even read better to omit "once again and the comma"

Overall impression: An interesting tale of a haunted house location. It is described in such a way that it makes the reader think that the "spirits" are not ghost but are more demonic impressions. There were minor errors and typos but I enjoyed reading it. I also really like the description toward the end. I think the entire story could have had more description like this.

I really liked this read. Cant wait to read more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The WISHING WELL  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
An amiable Review by Velicity


How do I review such a perfect piece? Except to explain how perfect it is.

First impression: A great writing written by a great inspiring writer.

Poetry is not my favorite items to review but this piece drew me into it. It is well written. It flows well with a great message. I received the message that we can throw many pennies in the wishing well, but life is more difficult then wishing for wishes. We have to learn our lessons as we grow.

Thanks for a good read.

Happy Excellent Writing. ~V~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Sensual Reminders  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
I accidentally clicked the review button in searching for something else to do on the site. That is how powerful your poem drew my attention. I read it out of curiosity from the title; then kept reading it throughout because it was that appealing. I remember a time that I wrote romance poetry, and this brought a nice nostalgic memory of that time. Thanks for the good read. I have already added it to my favorites. Lately I have been writing in the Dark genre. But this inspired me to think about venturing back into the romantic field a bit.

One thing I want to point out. This poem is not just about romance, or love. It is a bit mysterious as to "what kind" of love was lost. And I love that about it as well.

Thanks again for the great read.

-Velicity


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I chose this story because it drew my interest by the title. I see that it was written for a contest, so I will give the best review I can for this piece. It might not help much.

What I find intriguing {/c:bgreen}
I really think there is a strong first line here. It draws me into the story which is what a reader wants. I also like that it kind of turns into poetry in the middle. I find myself writing a short story and also breaking off into stanzas and then back into stories from time to time. This kind of writing is new and fun to me, it makes the reader wonder how your mind thinks. I really like the ending as well. It is pouring emotion and depth and a little spooky which I love.


What I do not like. I do not like that for some reason right before the poetry it loses me. I nearly get bored wit the story. I do like poetry but it was not until "I drowned. I died. I was reborn. I felt pain and they took my blood out of me -"that I found that I began to feel true emotion again. the other stanzas or paragraphs were very monotone and bland.

Errors. I do see a lot of minor errors. Most of which are typos or an "overlook"

Did I meet people, did I fall in love with someone like Medusa who turned me into a stone. < still needs a question mark.

Some turned out to listen to what i said.< "i" needs capitalization.

Some didnt care and wanted to go suck on rainbows.
< "didnt" needs an apostrophe

Some left before I even knew who they were to me...and i remember them as lightening in dark summer nights.
< second "i" needs capitalization.

But i cannot turn the blue ribbon wound on the dust trail. < "i" needs capitalization.

I think that is all the errors I see. They were simple and not really that bad just a little proof reading could have prevented them.

Overall It was not a bad read at all. I craved more though. Toward the end, I wanted more mysteriousness. But I liked the story. Thanks for the good read.

I am interested to see what you have written that is not for a contest. I bet it is even better.

Thanks Velicity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
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Review of My Fire Burns On  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am glad that I chose this poem to review. It gave me chills to read. I enjoyed it because, there is so much darkness in the world and It is good to read a little bit of bright beautiful love flame.

Depth:

There was depth to this fie minute write. I felt like the person fell completely in love with a stranger, and yet did not have time to even catch their name. It was happy and sad at the same time. It was written in almost a music video format because that is how I pictured it in my mind.

Thanks for the great read.

I cannot wait to read more

Velicity-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Do What You Love!  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
I feel as though this poem is brutally honest. In this world we have to learn to sell our work sometimes in order to make it. However, at times, it's okay to offer it for free, to get a better audience. Also it's a bit short. Maybe it could have a little more detail of encouragement to actually "follow your dream".

Thanks for the poem

--Velicity--
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
There is depth to this piece. A lot of things are shown in a mere monologue. It really makes the reader interested in knowing about the sister. However, I'm not sure if it intended or not, but the character itself sounds bland. However, at the same time, if ti is just an interview, the character shows depth by discussing the deep facts about their sister openly. Maybe that is the point?

Errors. I really do not know if it is an error or not. the word So in the first line. I feel like it would be better suited with a comma afterwords instead of standing alone with a period.

Maybe I will read more to find out about this character.

Keep Writing- Velicity
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Review of A Christmas Fable  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
First Welcome to WDC. I noticed that you have not been a member long. I hope you find it is very awesome to be here. I've learned a great deal, and I have a lot of fun on this site. I had wanted to return the favor and review one of your writings. I like poetry, but at times, I find it hard to review. I found this one short story.

I find the story well written and easy to read. I am a fan of many genre's and styles of writing. I do love children stories now that I have a child of my own. I believe I would tell this story to my daughter had she been old enough to understand it. I found no errors in the writing. I appreciate the good read. Thank you. Keep on writing

-Velicity-
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Review of Fishful Thinking  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
OH goodness. I love this. It has been a very long time since I have seen a singing fish. I love how you put humor in this poem. I found no errors. Just seems like a poem written specifically for fun. Thanks for allowing me to read and review.
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. I literally could not stop reading this piece. Every word is enticing until the end. I really enjoy the detail in this piece. I felt like I could have been there. It is graphic, and sad. I was interested in reading due to it's dark nature. I find no errors. Thanks for the great writing.

-Velicity-
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Review of A Single Red Rose  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
An honest review, by Velicity Phoenix.

I see that this is a sort of flash fiction. A story within only a few lines. I like it. I do not think even, I have the potential to write such a story with so few lines. There seems to be no visible grammar errors. There seems to be no visible punctuation errors. One thing I must note, that when read, it appears that the killer actually left 2 red roses. One for the kill, and the second one as he escaped. Unless you mean, that the only rose he left was the one for the kill.

Other then that, there were really no errors at all. :D
23
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A review from the Dark Society. A thorough and honest review by Velicity Phoenix.

I chose this story to be reviewed by the Dark Society because it is labeled as a dark piece. After reading it, it fits the category.
My reviews are as honest as possible. Here I will highlight anything that I see as caution in yellow. I will put my suggestion beside it in green.{\g} "IF NEEDED" Please note that my thoughts\suggestions, are just that. Direct quotes will be shown in italics or "quotes"


My first suggestion, is merely to question usage of ...illuminati In my research about the illuminati I know it is a group of people a, "secret society" being that you have mentioned a vengeance toward society in the previous sentence, it seems like you may have described it exactly as you wanted. However, it appears that in this visionary experience of psychedelic proportions, it seems you could have wanted to use the words associated with illumination or illuminating which goes a long with your flash of light etc. Maybe, you use it as a way of describing both, your vengeance with the "Illuminati" and the visionary experience at the same time. I would personally like to know which.

Long sentences. I find that at times, your usage of long sentences, make it hard for the reader to stay connected with your story. Some of the sentences have separate thoughts. Although this is a monologue, I believe the flow of the story is interrupted with these long paragraphs, mingled in one sentence.

One of the many things I like about this piece, is that you use a lot of our Old English stories, as reference to how the character is feeling. It appears that most of the titles to the story references are proper, although, I suggest italicizing the titles. There is one, however, " catcher in the rye" that is not capitalized, nor italicized.
The only other thing that I wish could be different is the font size. I may need glasses, but to me, it is very hard to read that small of font.

Lets go on to everything else I like about this piece.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I love the vocabulary usage and I feel I could even take notes and learn lessons. I also love how it surprised me, when the story ended. It is sad. But leaves a powerful message. The description in the monologue is phenomenal. I am a user of mass description in my stories, but this, is simply amazing. I simply love this piece, and put it in my favorites. One of my favorite lines is this one
It's quite peculiar, this sensation of existential emptiness; I am comforted by the fact that I will always be alone, forever floating in endless space where nothing can ever touch me anymore. I pick up the gun from under my bed, and load it slowly but deliberately{\i}
All in all this is a great read. It truly illuminates a perfect picture in what the character is seeing during their "psychedelic" phase. It also portrays the pain experienced by the character well.


A "The Dark Society Review!


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
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Review of Random Precision  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
Consider a title change. The title does not seem to connect with the poem.

The poem itself is powerful.

So many have told me that they will "cut off all emotions". Emotions never leave. We try and ignore them, but they are always there. No one is emotionless, even the clinically insane.

However, I love the way this is written. Honestly, this particular poem, is filled with emotion. Well written, and flows very well.

Happy Writing. -V-
25
25
Review of I Hate Red  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I found this a little humorous, so I decided to review.

First Impression. A poem about a "hickey"? I wonder If I spelled that right. If this is about the aforementioned love mark, then quite honestly do not think the title fits the poem. It is written for "teens" or maybe you are young; and it is apparent in the poem vs title. For one to "Hate" red based off of the teasing they received at their job, is definitely juvenile.

Overall impression. It's a good poem. It's well written. I found it humorous, and delightful to read. There are no errors. Consider a different title.

This is merely my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. Happy Writing - V
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