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94 Public Reviews Given
94 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
OH This is so cute, and quite fantastically written. Errors I found None. Good Job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of CRAZY WOMEN  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am not a fan of this poem, there is not enough depth. A simple expressive poem about men thinking women are crazy. I just think that though poetry repeats words, that the word crazy could be substituted with other words of the same meaning a few times to create the missing depth it needs. It is kind of a funny poem though. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Toressa  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*An Amiable Review of "Toressa" by: Velicity Phoenix*


I read these lyrics and I smile.

The Edit
There is only one part I would "edit" about this, and that is leave out the word "and" before love comes to my mind<this alone is powerful enough without the "and."

my favorite part
My favorite part is the second stanza. Such sweet words are written here.

Keep writing friend.

~V~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of The Diagnosis  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*An Amiable Review* by Velicity


You have been selected as the first recipient of my review after many months of Hiatus. I will be writing your direct quotes in italics I will make my own suggestions and show you what I think may be incorrect, if anything. I hope you find some use out of my review. Enjoy.

First Impression. A magnificently written story, How on earth will I ever review such talent. *Smile* The title made me want to read it, short sweet enticing. The story content is grand and inspirational.

Introduction.


I am personally not a fan of the "main character" First line introductions.

To quote your line " it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you" In my opinion would be a better introductory line. It is there that I got excited.

Body

In about the 15'th paragraph down, where you introduce the "hit man" I quote this part. "I saved him a lot of money" I feel that the words "a lot" do not express quite enough impact on the amount of money saved. Consider word revision here.

First paragraph of the first break


It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep. < appears to be incomplete, 'fogginess of sleep' to what?

Third paragraph from the break


Thinking it was some the stomach flu or an ulcer. This sentence is incorrect and an "add on to the previous sentence. I can see that you began typing your thoughts rather rapidly.

It needs to be re-written. look at the part some the stomach flu

6th paragraph from the break


you are what we call end stage.” the word "in" needs to be in front of "what". This is because a person cannot be cancer, but they can be "in" a stage of cancer.

8h paragraph from the break

When he came back into the bedroom his wife Linda, who looked worried, asked,


try a comma after "wife" and instead of "who looked worried," maybe "looked worried and asked " "

this way it reduces commas but still gets the same message. Just a suggestion.


last paragraph after the first break


He smiled when he thought about Shelby coming in to the world kicking and screaming. Upset from being removed from the warm and safe womb, and mad at the world.


I suggest conjoining the sentences. I do not think it would make them a 'run-on' as a posed to the last portion being an 'incomplete' sentence.

Second Break

Third paragraph from the second break

Torn between his wife’s constant reminders to remember to lock the back door, and the directions he gave the man he met behind the bar. < no subject. Who was torn?

7th paragraph from the second break

A grimace covered Pat Sajak’s face and as he responded, “I’m sorry Fran, there are no T’s.” look at this sentence again. Remove "and" and then read it again. *Smile*

13 paragraphs past the second pause

when he left his earlier in the day, Duncan went to investigate


maybe "when he left "it"

The last break

The last break was so very thrilling. I really found no errors.

My overall impression.

At first glimpse I thought I would find zero errors, and to my surprise I found quite a few. However, that being said, your story was so interesting that I believe it was that exciting to write as it was to read. You may have been corrected from these before but any story could use a nice "re-read". I love thrillers. It was somewhat predictable with the ending diagnosis. However, I did not predict the man to want to kill both, and I also did not predict Linda having a new boyfriend.

Nice idea written in a well descriptive fashion. I work at an ER so it is nice to read things like this with knowledge of the material. I really enjoyed the story and intend to read more. *Smile*

Thanks for the good writing ~V~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of A Day To Remember  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An Amiable Review of A Day To Remember by Velicity Phoenix


First Impression: I normally do not review stories written in the teen category; but I saw this one up for grabs during the raid and thought why not? *Smile* After the first few paragraphs I immediately fell in love with this little story.

Dislikes
The only thing that I do not like about it is the large font. I do not know why, but I am one of those that is deterred from large fonts.


Errors There are a few minor errors, and the story could use a "once over". I will point out the one that jumped out at me the most, but I did not want to overly hound on the rest because I myself, am way less then perfect and the story is way too good to truly notice them unless you are picky. *Wink*


You organisational skills I believe you meant to write Your and I did not even notice until the Review Tool pointed it out but organisational was misspelled. It is spelled as organizational


Overall Impression Other then the minor issues this was a wonderful piece that made me smile at the end. I loved the way Christine got what was due to her. It was well written. It flowed well. I enjoyed it. A good read.

A note. Consider changing the title to

Fourth of July to rememberThis is just another personal preference. I love stories where the title is worked in the endings. I do not know why but usually gives me chills or an "AH" feeling.

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Juniper Park  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If I had the funds, I would give this piece a merit badge myself. I chose this piece to review out of clear random punching for the raid.

After reading it, I realized, this is the way to tell a true story that literally will make your "skin crawl". I absolutely love the vocabulary choice. The story flows well. The description is phenomenal for a true story. I have several accounts of true stories of my own and I always end up stretching the truth and call my stories fiction because I can never stick to the truth without making it sound boring. This is inspirational.

Thanks for the very impressive read. It has become added to my favorites and I plan to look through other readings of yours.


*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of That Night  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
An Amiable Review of That Nightby Velicity Phoenix


First Impression: A nice story for a flash fiction contest.


Errors: Your errors were minor typos. But I have noticed even I make minor typos and forget to check for them *Wink*

put one on it word, I think this was meant to read ( put one word on it,)

there would be ho help coming. and I think the "ho" in this part was supposed to be "no"

Overall impression:I really enjoyed reading this little piece. It made me laugh and it gave a bit of chills at the end too. Nice job at creating the sense of irony that had a paranormal twist at the end.

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
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Review of The Puzzle  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
~An Amiable Review of The PuzzleBy: Velicity~

First Impression: A cute little story.

I gave this a 5.0 rating because I saw no errors. I also loved it because it kept me reading all the way through. The flow was nice. And I got a laugh at the end. I even wondered to myself what will happen when the cops catch up to this person.

Over all impression. A well written flash fiction piece. I hope you did well in the contest. ~Velicity~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The WISHING WELL  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
An amiable Review by Velicity


How do I review such a perfect piece? Except to explain how perfect it is.

First impression: A great writing written by a great inspiring writer.

Poetry is not my favorite items to review but this piece drew me into it. It is well written. It flows well with a great message. I received the message that we can throw many pennies in the wishing well, but life is more difficult then wishing for wishes. We have to learn our lessons as we grow.

Thanks for a good read.

Happy Excellent Writing. ~V~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Sensual Reminders  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
I accidentally clicked the review button in searching for something else to do on the site. That is how powerful your poem drew my attention. I read it out of curiosity from the title; then kept reading it throughout because it was that appealing. I remember a time that I wrote romance poetry, and this brought a nice nostalgic memory of that time. Thanks for the good read. I have already added it to my favorites. Lately I have been writing in the Dark genre. But this inspired me to think about venturing back into the romantic field a bit.

One thing I want to point out. This poem is not just about romance, or love. It is a bit mysterious as to "what kind" of love was lost. And I love that about it as well.

Thanks again for the great read.

-Velicity


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I chose this story because it drew my interest by the title. I see that it was written for a contest, so I will give the best review I can for this piece. It might not help much.

What I find intriguing {/c:bgreen}
I really think there is a strong first line here. It draws me into the story which is what a reader wants. I also like that it kind of turns into poetry in the middle. I find myself writing a short story and also breaking off into stanzas and then back into stories from time to time. This kind of writing is new and fun to me, it makes the reader wonder how your mind thinks. I really like the ending as well. It is pouring emotion and depth and a little spooky which I love.


What I do not like. I do not like that for some reason right before the poetry it loses me. I nearly get bored wit the story. I do like poetry but it was not until "I drowned. I died. I was reborn. I felt pain and they took my blood out of me -"that I found that I began to feel true emotion again. the other stanzas or paragraphs were very monotone and bland.

Errors. I do see a lot of minor errors. Most of which are typos or an "overlook"

Did I meet people, did I fall in love with someone like Medusa who turned me into a stone. < still needs a question mark.

Some turned out to listen to what i said.< "i" needs capitalization.

Some didnt care and wanted to go suck on rainbows.
< "didnt" needs an apostrophe

Some left before I even knew who they were to me...and i remember them as lightening in dark summer nights.
< second "i" needs capitalization.

But i cannot turn the blue ribbon wound on the dust trail. < "i" needs capitalization.

I think that is all the errors I see. They were simple and not really that bad just a little proof reading could have prevented them.

Overall It was not a bad read at all. I craved more though. Toward the end, I wanted more mysteriousness. But I liked the story. Thanks for the good read.

I am interested to see what you have written that is not for a contest. I bet it is even better.

Thanks Velicity.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of My Fire Burns On  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am glad that I chose this poem to review. It gave me chills to read. I enjoyed it because, there is so much darkness in the world and It is good to read a little bit of bright beautiful love flame.

Depth:

There was depth to this fie minute write. I felt like the person fell completely in love with a stranger, and yet did not have time to even catch their name. It was happy and sad at the same time. It was written in almost a music video format because that is how I pictured it in my mind.

Thanks for the great read.

I cannot wait to read more

Velicity-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Do What You Love!  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (3.5)
I feel as though this poem is brutally honest. In this world we have to learn to sell our work sometimes in order to make it. However, at times, it's okay to offer it for free, to get a better audience. Also it's a bit short. Maybe it could have a little more detail of encouragement to actually "follow your dream".

Thanks for the poem

--Velicity--
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
There is depth to this piece. A lot of things are shown in a mere monologue. It really makes the reader interested in knowing about the sister. However, I'm not sure if it intended or not, but the character itself sounds bland. However, at the same time, if ti is just an interview, the character shows depth by discussing the deep facts about their sister openly. Maybe that is the point?

Errors. I really do not know if it is an error or not. the word So in the first line. I feel like it would be better suited with a comma afterwords instead of standing alone with a period.

Maybe I will read more to find out about this character.

Keep Writing- Velicity
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Review of A Christmas Fable  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
First Welcome to WDC. I noticed that you have not been a member long. I hope you find it is very awesome to be here. I've learned a great deal, and I have a lot of fun on this site. I had wanted to return the favor and review one of your writings. I like poetry, but at times, I find it hard to review. I found this one short story.

I find the story well written and easy to read. I am a fan of many genre's and styles of writing. I do love children stories now that I have a child of my own. I believe I would tell this story to my daughter had she been old enough to understand it. I found no errors in the writing. I appreciate the good read. Thank you. Keep on writing

-Velicity-
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Review of Fishful Thinking  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
OH goodness. I love this. It has been a very long time since I have seen a singing fish. I love how you put humor in this poem. I found no errors. Just seems like a poem written specifically for fun. Thanks for allowing me to read and review.
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. I literally could not stop reading this piece. Every word is enticing until the end. I really enjoy the detail in this piece. I felt like I could have been there. It is graphic, and sad. I was interested in reading due to it's dark nature. I find no errors. Thanks for the great writing.

-Velicity-
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Review of A Single Red Rose  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (4.5)
An honest review, by Velicity Phoenix.

I see that this is a sort of flash fiction. A story within only a few lines. I like it. I do not think even, I have the potential to write such a story with so few lines. There seems to be no visible grammar errors. There seems to be no visible punctuation errors. One thing I must note, that when read, it appears that the killer actually left 2 red roses. One for the kill, and the second one as he escaped. Unless you mean, that the only rose he left was the one for the kill.

Other then that, there were really no errors at all. :D
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Review of I Hate Red  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I found this a little humorous, so I decided to review.

First Impression. A poem about a "hickey"? I wonder If I spelled that right. If this is about the aforementioned love mark, then quite honestly do not think the title fits the poem. It is written for "teens" or maybe you are young; and it is apparent in the poem vs title. For one to "Hate" red based off of the teasing they received at their job, is definitely juvenile.

Overall impression. It's a good poem. It's well written. I found it humorous, and delightful to read. There are no errors. Consider a different title.

This is merely my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. Happy Writing - V
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great! I enjoyed this read, and even chuckled at the end. I found that, I figured out the plot, and ending before I read it. Most times,this is not good; however, in this "only dialogue" story, I found this to be perfect. Shows signs of a good writer.

No obvious errors were found. Love it. Hope to read more of your work soon.
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Review of The Skeleton  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
It is hard to hold back tears as I read this poem. I cannot imagine what the "actual" young girl was feeling when she did this.

The poem itself. Dark. It is perfectly categorized as well. This poem is sad, and deep, that it omits the darkness within it. If not careful, one could get lost in pure dark emotions from reading it. It screams attention, and pain, all at the same time.

My tear stricken face, fills with quiver, as I only imagine the soul of the baby described. What the baby could have been feeling, thinking, as it struggled it's last's breath. "I spent nine months, inside this womb. Nine long months I wondered what the woman looked like, felt like on the outside. I prepared my journey to see her. I excitedly awaited nine months to finally get to meet the one who carried me and housed me, only for her to hate me. In the last moments of its last breath, "momma, your so pretty, momma, your so lovely, momma, what did I do? momma? why do you hate me? I did nothing wrong. Why do you hate me momma? Momma? My momma hates me."

That is the feelings I get when reading this and so much more.
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Review of A Horse Of Legend  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
I honestly did not read the title of this poem. I love how I did not know it was about a horse until then end.

After a second read, I can feel the love of this horse through the writers eyes, as if it was their own. It feels like the writer or owner of the horse, looks at the horse as their own child. I am picturing the writer/author, in the crowds, smiling down at their horse with pure satisfaction. I am picturing them smiling even more, as they hear "tremendous running machine" from someone else's mouth.

No errors. Good writing.
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Review of BETRAYAL  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: E | (5.0)
Powerful. I got chills reading this. Perfectly categorized as Dark. If I had been that person of betrayal, and saw this, I would be scared. Well written. I found no errors. I also like how it is written in real time. Most poems are written in metaphors. Great Job. I want to read more. :)
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Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Okay. I blink a long heavy blink as I try and read through a few times. I think the writing is good. It definitely has great potential.

In my review, I will use, italics and "quotes" to show you your direct quote. I will use "green" to show you my suggestion. It is merely a suggestion.


Things I love: I love the first paragraph. Though short, the description of the waves and the shore line is wonderful. I have to say that I love the descriptions throughout. I also love the vocabulary usage.

Errors:
I am not 100 percent on, "correcting errors" and I do realize that 1 sentence can be very long, if proper punctuation is used and if the main central idea is the same. However, "long sentences" are mostly found in someone's lecture, or history books, from what I have read. So I may be very incorrect myself, but either way, I believe the following sentence is a "run on" and even if it is not a run on per-say, I believe that it would flow much better if it were separated out. This is the part that I personally struggled reading so much because of the repeated "and". Possibly you mean "Death" to be an unseen being "waiting" for him. It still suggest that it needs separating out somehow.

"Death was waiting for him somewhere among the waves with promise of soothing, and it was also chasing him from behind with intention of tormenting , and also calmly wandering in-between; sometimes coming close to analyze the wound with pitying look, and sometimes bursting into a seemingly unstoppable laughter, a laughter that pierced through the heart of the boy."

Also in the above sentence. "...with pitying look" should be changed to "with a pitying look"

In the next line. he was "running". I am not sure how that word could be changed, but the word "running" in my opinion, throws off the flow of the sentence. Also "weather bubbles" do you mean "air" bubbles?

"Already incapable of breathing the fresh air, he was running as if with intention of breathing the water – not the weather bubbles inside it, but the water itself."

"Come here and kill himself if order so."

In the above sentence I think it should be ordered

Thank you for taking the time to read my review. I really do like your work, and look forward to seeing more from you. I even already favorited your account. I am a great fan of the great "Jack Sparrow" :) and your writing shows your a fan of the seas, so that is a plus for me. Please keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
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Review of River Flows  
Review by Velicity Phoenix
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I will take time to review this, in the review tool. my suggestions, are merely suggestions, and will be in green If I find actual errors, they will be in red

First Impression. A teen story. I do wonder to myself why they had to move so suddenly. I suppose you would reveal it in the next chapter.

Errors: I found very few. I would take the line "...this, when Mum..." and change it to "...this, since Mum..."

was, yesterday I believe there is to be no comma behind "was".

"...always grows legs and run away." either there needs to be an s at the end of run, or it would be better written as " always grows legs and walks off.

Over all impression, if this is teen writing and this is the first chapter it's okay. I like the dialogue and the way you described things. Keep writing!!
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