*An Amiable Review* by Velicity
You have been selected as the first recipient of my review after many months of Hiatus. I will be writing your direct quotes in italics I will make my own suggestions and show you what I think may be incorrect, if anything. I hope you find some use out of my review. Enjoy.
First Impression. A magnificently written story, How on earth will I ever review such talent. The title made me want to read it, short sweet enticing. The story content is grand and inspirational.
I am personally not a fan of the "main character" First line introductions.
To quote your line " it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you" In my opinion would be a better introductory line. It is there that I got excited.
In about the 15'th paragraph down, where you introduce the "hit man" I quote this part. "I saved him a lot of money" I feel that the words "a lot" do not express quite enough impact on the amount of money saved. Consider word revision here.
First paragraph of the first break
It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep. < appears to be incomplete, 'fogginess of sleep' to what?
Third paragraph from the break
Thinking it was some the stomach flu or an ulcer. This sentence is incorrect and an "add on to the previous sentence. I can see that you began typing your thoughts rather rapidly.
It needs to be re-written. look at the part some the stomach flu
6th paragraph from the break
you are what we call end stage.” the word "in" needs to be in front of "what". This is because a person cannot be cancer, but they can be "in" a stage of cancer.
8h paragraph from the break
When he came back into the bedroom his wife Linda, who looked worried, asked,
try a comma after "wife" and instead of "who looked worried," maybe "looked worried and asked " "
this way it reduces commas but still gets the same message. Just a suggestion.
last paragraph after the first break
He smiled when he thought about Shelby coming in to the world kicking and screaming. Upset from being removed from the warm and safe womb, and mad at the world.
I suggest conjoining the sentences. I do not think it would make them a 'run-on' as a posed to the last portion being an 'incomplete' sentence.
Third paragraph from the second break
Torn between his wife’s constant reminders to remember to lock the back door, and the directions he gave the man he met behind the bar. < no subject. Who was torn?
7th paragraph from the second break
A grimace covered Pat Sajak’s face and as he responded, “I’m sorry Fran, there are no T’s.” look at this sentence again. Remove "and" and then read it again.
13 paragraphs past the second pause
when he left his earlier in the day, Duncan went to investigate
maybe "when he left "it"
The last break
The last break was so very thrilling. I really found no errors.
My overall impression.
At first glimpse I thought I would find zero errors, and to my surprise I found quite a few. However, that being said, your story was so interesting that I believe it was that exciting to write as it was to read. You may have been corrected from these before but any story could use a nice "re-read". I love thrillers. It was somewhat predictable with the ending diagnosis. However, I did not predict the man to want to kill both, and I also did not predict Linda having a new boyfriend.
Nice idea written in a well descriptive fashion. I work at an ER so it is nice to read things like this with knowledge of the material. I really enjoyed the story and intend to read more.
Thanks for the good writing ~V~