I found this a little humorous, so I decided to review.
First Impression. A poem about a "hickey"? I wonder If I spelled that right. If this is about the aforementioned love mark, then quite honestly do not think the title fits the poem. It is written for "teens" or maybe you are young; and it is apparent in the poem vs title. For one to "Hate" red based off of the teasing they received at their job, is definitely juvenile.
Overall impression. It's a good poem. It's well written. I found it humorous, and delightful to read. There are no errors. Consider a different title.
This is merely my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. Happy Writing - V
This is great! I enjoyed this read, and even chuckled at the end. I found that, I figured out the plot, and ending before I read it. Most times,this is not good; however, in this "only dialogue" story, I found this to be perfect. Shows signs of a good writer.
No obvious errors were found. Love it. Hope to read more of your work soon.
It is hard to hold back tears as I read this poem. I cannot imagine what the "actual" young girl was feeling when she did this.
The poem itself. Dark. It is perfectly categorized as well. This poem is sad, and deep, that it omits the darkness within it. If not careful, one could get lost in pure dark emotions from reading it. It screams attention, and pain, all at the same time.
My tear stricken face, fills with quiver, as I only imagine the soul of the baby described. What the baby could have been feeling, thinking, as it struggled it's last's breath. "I spent nine months, inside this womb. Nine long months I wondered what the woman looked like, felt like on the outside. I prepared my journey to see her. I excitedly awaited nine months to finally get to meet the one who carried me and housed me, only for her to hate me. In the last moments of its last breath, "momma, your so pretty, momma, your so lovely, momma, what did I do? momma? why do you hate me? I did nothing wrong. Why do you hate me momma? Momma? My momma hates me."
That is the feelings I get when reading this and so much more.
I honestly did not read the title of this poem. I love how I did not know it was about a horse until then end.
After a second read, I can feel the love of this horse through the writers eyes, as if it was their own. It feels like the writer or owner of the horse, looks at the horse as their own child. I am picturing the writer/author, in the crowds, smiling down at their horse with pure satisfaction. I am picturing them smiling even more, as they hear "tremendous running machine" from someone else's mouth.
Powerful. I got chills reading this. Perfectly categorized as Dark. If I had been that person of betrayal, and saw this, I would be scared. Well written. I found no errors. I also like how it is written in real time. Most poems are written in metaphors. Great Job. I want to read more. :)
Okay. I blink a long heavy blink as I try and read through a few times. I think the writing is good. It definitely has great potential.
In my review, I will use, italics and "quotes" to show you your direct quote. I will use "green" to show you my suggestion. It is merely a suggestion.
Things I love: I love the first paragraph. Though short, the description of the waves and the shore line is wonderful. I have to say that I love the descriptions throughout. I also love the vocabulary usage.
Errors:
I am not 100 percent on, "correcting errors" and I do realize that 1 sentence can be very long, if proper punctuation is used and if the main central idea is the same. However, "long sentences" are mostly found in someone's lecture, or history books, from what I have read. So I may be very incorrect myself, but either way, I believe the following sentence is a "run on" and even if it is not a run on per-say, I believe that it would flow much better if it were separated out. This is the part that I personally struggled reading so much because of the repeated "and". Possibly you mean "Death" to be an unseen being "waiting" for him. It still suggest that it needs separating out somehow.
"Death was waiting for him somewhere among the waves with promise of soothing, and it was also chasing him from behind with intention of tormenting , and also calmly wandering in-between; sometimes coming close to analyze the wound with pitying look, and sometimes bursting into a seemingly unstoppable laughter, a laughter that pierced through the heart of the boy."
Also in the above sentence. "...with pitying look" should be changed to "with a pitying look"
In the next line. he was "running". I am not sure how that word could be changed, but the word "running" in my opinion, throws off the flow of the sentence. Also "weather bubbles" do you mean "air" bubbles?
"Already incapable of breathing the fresh air, he was running as if with intention of breathing the water – not the weather bubbles inside it, but the water itself."
"Come here and kill himself if order so."
In the above sentence I think it should be ordered
Thank you for taking the time to read my review. I really do like your work, and look forward to seeing more from you. I even already favorited your account. I am a great fan of the great "Jack Sparrow" :) and your writing shows your a fan of the seas, so that is a plus for me. Please keep writing.
I will take time to review this, in the review tool. my suggestions, are merely suggestions, and will be in green If I find actual errors, they will be in red
First Impression. A teen story. I do wonder to myself why they had to move so suddenly. I suppose you would reveal it in the next chapter.
Errors: I found very few. I would take the line "...this, when Mum..." and change it to "...this, since Mum..."
was, yesterday I believe there is to be no comma behind "was".
"...always grows legs and run away." either there needs to be an s at the end of run, or it would be better written as " always grows legs and walks off.
Over all impression, if this is teen writing and this is the first chapter it's okay. I like the dialogue and the way you described things. Keep writing!!
First impression. Young writing. That is a good thing though, because a lot of of us go through these emotions at such a young age, and it is always great to be able to write about them.
Second impression. I read this through twice, and the second time it really touched me. I was 18 when I found my true love, my soul mate. But it took 3 years of agony, and pain, for him to admit his love for me. Said the same things to me, "Closed off to all emotion." So this spoke out to my heart. It was written so well that it touched my soul, even if it was written by a young adult.
Errors: "offhand comment meant for effect" I feel as though this portion needs to be re-written, it does not flow well. I am unsure of any other errors, or corrections needed.
Over all impression.
Young writer, or young adult trying to describe his or her pain in a relationship. Written pretty well, with little errors. A poem that does reach out to me.
I can see why you are a preferred author. I like this reading.
My first impression:
I did not know how the story would unfold, even after reading the title. At first, I thought this was really a creepy fellow stalker, and even got a little nervous for the young girl.
Overall impression: I love how the story kept my attention. It is actually hard for some stories to do so. It made me feel so relieved to find out he was her father. It also made me sad for him. This seems to be written in a teen novel type. However, it could be both, teen or adult writing, depending on how one would take this further. I think it should be written into a short novel. I for one would read it. Great job. I would love to know what happens next.
I like this a lot. It tickled my thoughts and made me smile. "Avoid all pizza before bed!"
I found no errors. I was genuinely pleased with this poem. I thought at first it would make my heart cry for you, for I all to well know what it it like to lose a pet. However, it simple made me chuckle.
Very nice. Well written. Good luck to you in your entry. :P
This was interesting. I found very little grammatical errors. I was enticed enough to keep reading throughout the end that I nearly overlooked them.
Errors: "He aint brother..." you forgot, or typed so fast it was left out the "my" before brother. and a suggestion, not necessarily an error, "on top of each" to "on top of each of them" but I am uncertain if that is needed or not, I just feel, it would flow easier there, I had to re'read that line to get it. But that may just be my own preference.
Overall impression: I loved how you thought that "granny" was just being nice and sweet to Clay because that is just what granny's do. Come to find out she is doing it out of obligation. But at the same time, she is not because it's "her" will. So it is uncertain, "Granny's" true feelings about Clay here.
I also LOVE how the reader thinks that, this is a normal child being bullied by family, or others, and later we learn that he could be a number of things. The reader is left to wonder if he is possibly a fantasy mixed breed, or simply a very oddly built character with odd "features" like maybe he has more hair then a normal child. It leaves the reader wanting to find out more about this character.
Wow. Well, this was a simple writing. A question unanswered. A question always asked. So few achieve their goals, whilst everyone else lets their laziness overwhelm them.
As far as the writing, it makes you think. As far as poetry, I am a old fashioned traditionalist, and there is very little rhyming. I still liked the poem, because it makes one think.
I can see why you liked my poem :Seductive Surrender: For this one has many similarities. I love the way your's was written. It made me go back to the time I wrote :Seductive Surrender: and remember all of the passion, in such a young love.
You were able to describe, love, passion, and love making, without it being "odd" or "awkward. It came from pure love.
There were no grammatical errors. Just good writing.
Awe, this is sweet, as it is sad. I liked it. It was about a dream, and a fond memory. A very short poem, but very powerful. I'm sorry for your pet loss. I still have dreams of my pet that I lost 17 years ago.
This brings me great sadness. The girl's mother loved her so much, yet she chose to do it anyway. There are a few grammatical errors. However, it flows really well. The writing is smooth. I also loved the metaphors used to portray the girl's pain. I also really like the title of this piece. It plays a upon words and makes me think.
It is interesting. there needs to be a "the" in front of "bedroom" and maybe the word "in" behind "sucking me". I like it. I too write stories about dreams that I have had. Maybe you can add more detail in the story. I like reading scary stories with lots of detail in them. I want to be able to truly feel how the character felt.
I like this. It's a short poem, however it is well written. It flows well, with those who know about Greek mythology. I even found a small scene develop in my head when reading it. If this is a contest entry, good luck to you, for it is rare that I find unique poetry that I really like.
All of us at some point or another have experienced this. It is simple. It sends a message, but the message is not quite strong enough. I found it interesting for the title. I'm not sure if this is meant to be a 'haiku" or not, I understand the anger behind writing it, but the message is not powerful enough to draw the reader.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/velicityx/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 6:31pm on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "