Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
You work in rhymes seemingly effortlessly. They don't seem forced, which is not always the case in rhymed poetry. I like the object of the poem, the weathervane. You create a good word picture that allows the reader to "see" it sitting on the top of the roof.
Some punctuation problems caught my eye as I read. For example, the first stanza needs a period or semicolon at then end of line 1 and a period at the the end of the 2nd line and a semicolon at the end of the 3rd.
In the second stanza, a comma is needed after "sleet" and isn't needed after "sound."
The first line of the third stanza would be correct grammatically and smoother if the comma after weather and "it" are deleted.
What a great tribute to those you find interesting, intriguing, and investments. You have invested your interest in them, and they have some way in you.
I wonder if the rest of us would put together something such as you have, Davy, if we might keep more members interested in staying even if the going gets rough.
Thank you for adding to the positive aspects of W.Com.
The author gives the reader a massive quantity of information in this article. Many of the examples help explain points.
A bit of organization rearranging would aid, though. The following paragraph is under avoiding endless synonyms for said, but actually refers to adverbs:
If you have to tell us that Andy said something angrily, then the words in the dialogue and the scene are not working. We should know by the scene and the spoken words themselves that Andy is angry. If the reader has already imagined a different emotion portrayed in the dialogue, when he gets to he said angrily it cuts against the scene, makes him go back and reread the dialogue with proper intent, and interrupts the flow of the story. The reader doesn’t know ahead what the tag line is going to say. Craft the words and the action to express the emotion.
Also, the use of ellipses (three periods in a row together) does not have spaces between the periods, only before and after the three. According to what I've been reading, the dash doesn't take the place of ellipses, even if some people are trying to instigate that practice. My information comes from current writing magazines such as Writer's Digest and The Writer.
I would also suggest that this writing be divided into two articles. This information is too much for one.
If you revise, please let me know so that I can adjust my rating if possible.
The article interested me because you gave me a new perspective of that scripture. You organized your thoughts and information well, giving support for your thesis.
Please go back to your article, click on edit, and double space between paragraphs so that the reader has an easier time of reading.
But for me there is quite a bit more than instructing me to avoid stingy people. The preceding sentence is a bit awkwardly worded. A suggestion (only an idea) for improvement might be: However, for me the verse does more than instruct me to avoid stingy people.
A few places a space is needed after a word and before a parentheses.
One writing concept that you might want to consider trying is to avoid using to be verbs whenever possible (is, am, are, was, were). For example in the following sentence, a little revising cuts down on the number of times is appears: What I am suggesting is that it is not "what" we think about that dictates our behavior but rather "how" we think about what we are thinking about or our "perspective" of thought that guides our lives.
A suggestion might be as follows: What I suggest is "what" we think doesn't dictate our behavior, but rather "how" we think or our "perspective" of thought guides our lives. That also removes some of the redundancy and padding words. Also note that behavior isn't spelled with a u in American English.
If you revise, please let me know so that I can adjust the rating to match the improvement of your work.
This story holds much promise. The concept and plot are very good. I would like to see it refined and polished into the story it could be.
I won't put all the suggestions I have in this review, but I will give enough examples that you can manage to revise. If and when you do, please let me know so that I can possibly raise the rate to match the improvements.
The pronoun it is used very often without the reader knowing what it is. For example, the first sentence says, "It was pitch black." What is it? Perhaps, the room was pitch black, or the night was pitch black. You might even want to start the story with more of a punch: The blackness or the room (or of the night) reached out for her. Grab the reader's attention immediately. Watch for those its.
I'm not sure what train she hears in the first paragraph. I don't find any reference or motivation for it to be mentioned.
Herself is one word rather than two.
Have you tried reading this aloud or having someone read it to you? I think you would discover some rough places for yourself if you did.
You may want to watch for redundancies (the same information given more than once). For example in fourth paragraph, you have "him" right next to the door in one sentence, and in the next, you tell us she would have to run by him to get out of the door, which we know if he is by the door.
Let us see, hear, feel what she is seeing, hearing, feeling. Some times you tell us rather than showing us.
In the eighth paragraph you wrote, "It was time to make or break." That sentence confused me. I'm not sure what you mean.
Perhaps you could make us understand her fear of the back porch and other bedroom. You tell us she was too frightened to explore them, but no foundation is laid as to why. She was able to search the rest of the house, so why the fear of that part?
Could she, or would she, really forget the experience of the night even if the day at work had been hectic? Let us see her down play the terror or something. Her forgetting it isn't quite believable.
Now that I've given you some things to consider, I'll let you mull over my suggestions (which is all they are). If you do revise, I'll be glad to read again and up the rating with improvements.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
Your words give us a glimpse of a lovely child. The beginning of the image is delightful.
You don't say that this is any particular form that requires a limited number of words or syllables or lines. Therefore, I would have liked to see more to the poem, giving us more of a reason for the narrator to want the child to always be hers/his. Three lines with a total of fourteen words gives us only a very brief glance.
What a wonderfully, terrible, horrifying story. The plot, the characters, the suspense - all work together to keep me reading more, even though the genre and the level are not my preferred ones.
The one suggestion I have - check your mechanics. Some of your sentences are run-ons.
You have mastered the word craft of writing; now you need to work on some mechanics.
Not only is this article good information for the UK, but it can be used in the U.S. I'm going to highlight it in my September issue of For Authors Newsletter, which is about alternatives to using major publishers. Anything that can help people market their work is helpful.
I'm going to print this and keep it in my notebook for reference too.
You take the emotions of being a child of divorce and weave them into a heart rendering poem. I've not been there, but I can recognize children I have seen suffer through this trauma, the trauma which lasts into adulthood.
Searching diligently, I finally found one suggestion for improvement: You may want to reconsider using the word "just" twice so close together.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do. It's good to see you here. Now maybe, if you like what you find, we can see about getting you a regular membership so that you can post your whole book, all chapters.
I know this is a rough draft, and that you will be making corrections as you continue. Therefore, my comments will be the main things that I would suggest you edit and revise - for now.
First of all, I think you mean sores rather than soars.
You might want to double space between paragraphs for the site. Then reading on screen is easier on the eyes. Some people indent paragraphs as well as double space between them. To indent, use the code {indent} before the first word of the paragraph.
You might want to check for needed commas after introductory phrases and clauses. For example in the first paragraph, third sentence, a comma is needed after "relationahips." Some other places, I found the same glitch. If you need more help, let me know, please.
You give a good introduction for the book to come. We are able to better "know" you as a person and your interest in biking.
You might want to change forty three years old to forty-three-years old and spell out numbers under 100, such as nineteen. Also think about having just one topic per paragraph. In the second paragraph you write about your age and your family but then switch to the idea of one's life being to complicated to ride.
That's a few suggestions to help you revise. When you're ready, I'll give a full edit job. I'll also review and change the rate for this item when revised.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
This item contains some interesting imagery, but I would like to see it arranged in poetry format if that's what it's supposed to be - poetry.
One suggestion that I have is to avoid cliches such as "reason or rhyme." Even if inverted from the regular rhyme or reason, the cliche is still there.
You might want to look at some of your rhyme, make sure that the words fit the work rather than used to force a rhyme. One example is bare and stare. Bare means to make nude or to open to scrutiny, so I'm not sure if the word "fits" here at all.
I hope my suggestions help you fine tune this work. If you make revisions, please let me know so that I can take another look and perhaps adjust the rating for improvement.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do. I'm glad to see you on the site.
The music of this poem calls to my very soul. The imagery creates a picture on the canvas of my mind, the colors of the pallatte bringing the words alive.
The only suggestion I have is the comma at the end of line 2 in the third stanza, and then racking should be capitalized.
Thank you for using needed punctuation in poetry. Doing so allows the reader to see where one idea ends and the next begins.
First of all, I enjoy reading poetry, stories, essays, or articles about my home state. Secondly, I've been to Boise City, since I graduated from college in Goodwell, lived in Guymon and south of Hooker (married a man from that area), and traveled to Boise City for football games when I taught at Buffalo. So I can picture the area so clearly from your word photograph. Wonderful writing.
The pictures you use bring back memories, too.
I enjoy poetry that uses needed punctuation, as yours does.
This contest, "Recreating the Wheel Contest" , is different, unique, interesting. So many on this site could take their strong suits and interests and turn them into lessons to be used for children.
Hosting a contest that fills a need in real life shows initiative and creativity in and of itself.
I have no ideas for improvement. I'm just jealous that I wasn't a member when I was teaching and have the idea first.
Big suggestion for site members: Visit this contest and seriously consider how you can enter. Spread the word to others. Let teachers and former teachers know. You do not have to be a teacher to enter this: Use your imagination and your word craft.
I hope that this contest is successful and fills the needs that the host has for home schooled students.
Ah, Harry, are you sure we can ever return home? What if one hasn't a home to which to return? You are correct in saying that there isn't where like home. You catch the emotional draw very well.
I know you want a abcb rhyme for each stanza, but having home and home as a rhyme rather stops the flow, doesn't it?
It's apparent that you want to stress the idea of home throughout the poem, but the constant repetition of the word becomes too much. You might want to look at using some synonyms, even it that would mean revamping the rhyme scheme (which could use some tweaking).
You have a good grasp of emotional pulls. Good job.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find this as much a second home as many of us do.
Returning "home" is always a joy to those of us who get to do so. I enjoyed reading how much Ft. Worth means to you and your impressions of changes.
You might want to check your grammar/punctuation. The pronoun I is always capitalized.
Spelling out numbers under 100 is best. Therefore 80 miles would be eighty miles; 14 years would be fourteen years.
Some sentences are incorrect. For example, the following is a sentence fragment: When, on Friday nights, we'd dine out at Bill Marten's 2nd Edition over on White Settlement Boulevard.
A transition that lets the reader know when you go from living in the small town to memories of Ft. Worth would help the flow of the piece.
I would suggest that you have someone who knows and understands the mechanics of writing edit for you.
I enjoyed what you wrote very much. Thank you for sharing with us.
Harry, you have poetically given readers a straight forward description of war, leaving an image impaled upon our minds. The message is strong and vivid.
The only suggestion I have concerns this line: It’s Man giving in to his basest instincts. I'm not sure, but perhaps in to should be into.
Other than that one "maybe" suggestion, I have no others to make. You shouldn't change anything.
I'm so glad to see you have finally posted something in your port.
This poem has vivid imagery and a strong message. You are so correct that some accept death as an escape from pain, but I agree with fighting it because Death is a foe.
The beauty of the words and flow of the poetry is almost like a hymn or mantra. I can "see" you living what you wrote.
I'll be looking for other items as you add them to you port. Welcome to Writing.Com.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you have found a second home, as many of us have.
Your take on the importance of prom and the problems that evolve is excellent. You really nail how such a minor, in the scheme of things, event can cause pain and disappointment. Yes, friendships can be destroyed, maybe even forever.
The changing of verb tenses from present to past and back is confusing. I would suggest you stick to past from the beginning.
Writing this in first person is a very good idea, but adding second person (you, your) weakened the writing. I would suggest that you revise and ommit second person completely.
A couple of places are a bit rough. You might read this aloud, noting where the problems appear.
If you do revise, please let me know. I'd be glad to read again and see if the rate should be adjusted.
This story shows an understanding of how disappointing life can be and the strength of character needed to overcome and conquer the pain.
The formatting needs some work. Different paragraphs need to be consistently divided by double spaces. Blank spaces at the end of lines need to be at the end of a paragraph only.
Please checka nd recheck for grammatical errors. For example, the following is a run-on sentence: She could feel the warmth running down her face but she didn’t dare move.
I'm not sure how Beth's nose was broken. I imagine that her face being pushed into the puddle of water was hard enough that her nose hit the tiles underneath, but the story doesn't say so.
This story will be highlighted in the May Short Story Newsletter.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you are making yourself a home here.
The imagery in this piece is vivid and powerful.
The problem is I don't get a precise mental picture of what this poem describes for us. Poetry should be precise and concise. Good writing, even in poetry, uses enough detail that the reader understands. Abstract words and thoughts should be at most 20% of an item. This piece is all abstract and unclear as far as meaning.
I'm not sure why the repetition of some thoughts are scattered throughout, but I know some forms require it.
Thanks for giving me a chance to see your word craft.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find the support and help you desire. If I can be of any help, please let me know.
This poem has some very good imagery, even though all is based on the common, every day (night) sights found around us. You manage to take these visions and weave them into a tapestry for the mind.
Your punctuation is a bit off in places, causing me to stumble a bit. Since the punctuation in poetry (which I prefer) should be the same as in any writing, commas shouldn't be used as wild flowers strown here and there. For example, the comma at the end of the first line separates a subject and verb (the gerund "Floating between wake and sleep" is the subject). Other places have similar comma problems. If you would like a complete edit, please let me know.
I have to give you credit for the excellent imagery, though.
Ohh, I really do like this poem. The imagery of hope and the analogy of a bird and its song for hope touched my heart and mind.
The only problems I see are some punctuation ones. For example, a semicolon is needed at the end of your second line to avoid a run-on sentence, and no comma is needed at the end of the next-to-last line.
Congratulations for having this published. I'm sure September will seem like years away.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you have found a "home" for your writings.
This story has aspects and concepts needed to create an excellent story. The emotion, the conflicts, the power are all present. They just need to be better organized and presented.
My first suggestion would be to double space between paragraphs to allow readers to more clearly see when one paragraph ends and the next begins.
Correct spelling, grammar, and sentences are musts in writing. A reader will back out if the errors make understanding too difficult. So much is running together and confusing, I'm not sure what is happening in places.
Try reading your story aloud, or, even better, Have someone else read it you.
Letting readers know when different characters are thinking or speaking helps keep everything organized.
You might want to find someone who knows grammar well who will do a complete edit for you. If I were to note all the glitches, this review would take pages. I will give a few samples, though, to help you:
1. Writing the story in present tense is awkward in places, and then you change to past tense and back to present. She lies on the cold hard bed staring out into the lifeless city. present tense She woke to the joyful coos coming from the room down the hall. past tense
2. Fragments and run-on sentences should be avoided. Look at the following: The pain of her past torment washed away in that moment. That glorious moment when she finally let her guard down. He did too, she could see it in his eyes. The second "sentence" is a fragment. By changing the period after moment to a comma and writing That in lower case, that, the problem is corrected. The next sentence is a run-on and also needs a comma after did. By changing the comma after too to a semicolon, it becomes a correct sentence.
3. The story seems to jump around, leaving the reader not sure what has happened or is happening.
I hope you will take the work and effort you have put into this item and polish and revise it.
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You work in rhymes seemingly effortlessly. They don't seem forced, which is not always the case in rhymed poetry. I like the object of the poem, the weathervane. You create a good word picture that allows the reader to "see" it sitting on the top of the roof.
Some punctuation problems caught my eye as I read. For example, the first stanza needs a period or semicolon at then end of line 1 and a period at the the end of the 2nd line and a semicolon at the end of the 3rd.
Now that I've given you some things to consider, I'll let you mull over my suggestions (which is all they are). If you do revise, I'll be glad to read again and up the rating with improvements.