I am Warped Sanity from the White Walkers, sponcored by "The Witch's House" . Welcome to the biggest review war here on WdC, "Game of Thrones" .
It is not such a great idea add nature descriptions as your first paragraph. It makes for a slow start and does not hook the reader. Besides, that first paragraph explains that it is Monday, which you already do later, so it is a bit redundant. Consider maybe scratching out that first paragraph and beginning the story where the second story starts.
You do well with the dialogue inside the parentheses. The words follow regular speech patterns, avoiding being overly formal. I do have a little advice though. Instead of she said, responded etc. consider adding body language. This would add more to the character development, besides we already know that they said something because of the parentheses. Below is an example of what I mean.
"As I'm sure you all know-" She said, clicking a button so that a picture of a few pills and powders appeared on the white board. "Drugs aren't something to mess with. They can cause serious damage, and sometimes even death."
Idea for suggestion:
"As I'm sure you all know-" their was a pregnant pause as she clicked the button on the overhead projector so that a picture of a few pills and powders appeared on the white board. "Drugs aren't something to mess with. They can cause serious damage, and sometimes even death."
For the most part character development is done really well. I really get a sense of the main character through explanation of his past, his posture, and how he interacts with others in the dialogue.
There are some descriptions that would work better if you supplied body language. Below are some examples.
'are you okay?' kind of look- Consider different ways people act when concerned. Sometimes they move closer, as if inspecting. Sometimes their face softens into a comforting smile.
She made an angry noise.- What kind of angry noise? Did she stomp her feet. Did her nose flare as she inhaled an angry breath?
The plot is interesting so far. Being tricked into selling your soul to the devil has been done a lot, so I would have to see where you take this in future chapters. After reading the first chapter, I would turn the page to see what happens in chapter two.
I always walked with my head down and my back hunched over trying to hide my looks. My dad always told me to stand up straight.- Technically this sentence is gramatically correct, but the last sentence seems out of place, consider revising. Below is an idea.
Despite my Dad's constant nagging to stand up straight, I walked with my head down and back hunched, as an attempt to hide my looks.
So far this is pretty good, but it just needs a little more fine tuning. Overall though, it is better than some first chapters I have read on here. Hopefully when you get around to editing you will share it with me, so that I can up my rating according to repairs.
Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, this is the opinion of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.