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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/waynemart9025
Review Requests: ON
38 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
Michael,

I make it a point to check out the works of those who read mine. What we both have in common is the love to research parts of history no one else thinks or cares about. I was actually considering doing a piece on this very subject before reading yours. Now, I don't think I will because I can't outdo this.

William Robinson (1840 - 1885) was a relative of mine on my mother's side. His son was Judge Edgar Robinson, who was the grandfather to Barbara (Pierce) Bush and my mother. That made them 1st cousins, and me second cousin to George and Jeb Bush. I throw all that out to impress you and pad my story a bit.

William was visiting Texas from his home state of N. Carolina when the war broke out. Though he told those who grabbed him he was not from Texas, they said it didn't matter because if you are in Texas you are a Texan. Throughout the war he kept a journal which was handed down to my mother and eventually to me. Mom used to read us tales from the journal now and then, because she was about the only one who could read his horrible hand writing. What stuck out most was his renditions of what he ate while in the Confederate army. According to him, there were no cooks or a central place to gather to be fed by someone. All men were issued a cup, a tin jar, and a small skillet. They kept all this in their backpacks containing sleeping gear, gun powder, and lead bullets. Each morning they would line up and receive about 2 cups of cornmeal in their tin jars. If they were lucky, they would also receive a pinch of salt, but never pepper. Everyone was taught how to cook cornbread in their small skillets. If you burned it, you ate it anyway or went hungry. At times, deliveries of jerky would arrive and the men would cherish it more than their guns. He wrote that he would never eat cornbread again if he survived the war. He obviously survived, but I don't know if he ever ate cornbread again.

Great piece. This is the kind of stuff I look for and plan to read a bunch more of your works. Thanks again for looking at my Davy Crockett piece.
2
2
Review by waynemart
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
And the plot thickens...... I don't even know where to start on this one, so I will ease into it the best I can. First, let's get the basics out of the way. Punctuation, sentence structure, and quotations were done by a master. I didn't have any problems following your train of thought or where you wanted to take my imagination. Very good!

Now for character building: You threw in the top characters in the beginning of this continuation in Chapter 21 and gave us a good insight on Joan's mother Gertrude (Trudy). Obviously, she is a Bible thumper and is not a happy camper with how her daughter is living her life. You gave me some history on Joan's past and how her heart was broken by a college guy named Iimo. The Jesus conversation between Joan and Trudy revealed that Seto just might be an atheist and such subjects make him nervous. I had a bit of a problem seeing Michael's role in the scene, unless he was supposed to be their waiter for the event. You threw a phrase on me I think might be original, because I have never heard it until now; "serving as arm candy". Very fit for the circumstance.

Chapter 22 was a bit boring for me since I am not into gaming. I assume "Monsters of the Duel" is a made-up video game, developed by Seto and loved by the masses. Maybe younger readers understand some of the terms, but not me. I found myself fast forwarding until near the end when they stopped the game and started discussing Joan's sexual intent with Mokuba.

You did warn me that this section of your novel will be a bit more sexual descriptive and it was seen in Chapter 23. This chapter helped me understand the bond between the Kaiba brothers in that both are willing to share the same woman.

But it was Chapter 25 that blew me. At first I thought it was Joan just joking to Seto about marrying the two brothers and being their loyal whore. But as I read further, it was no joke and they were all planning on how to accomplish the goal after several months. That definitely makes me want to read more.

In summation, this is a work of art and captivating. Your talent is up there with the best. Let me know when the continuation is out.
3
3
Review by waynemart
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I don't have much feedback to give you this round. As usual, I like your style and find reading this very enjoyable. You did shock me a bit by being more detailed about the sex act in the first few words. Again, you added characters, like the mother, and developed an image I could see. You also left me wanting to read more. Keep it up.

Mr. Wayne
4
4
Review by waynemart
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well written, as usual. I was able to see all the characters in my mind while reading through from top to bottom. What threw me off was the image I've always had of Seto. Though you never thoroughly characterized his appearence, I had it in my mind that he was a big heavy-set sort of person. They you described Joan struggling to her hips into his leather pants. Then, my image started seeing him as a more thin-frame of a guy.

I love how you keep this at PG-13. I wouldn't have problems with my 14 year old daughter reading this. She is smart enough to understand prostitutes and sex, but I'm not ready for her to read play by play sex. You do a great job of keeping young minds on track.

Though you keep intruducing more characters, such as Tricia the reporter, I still manage to keep what's called "character confusion" in check. Knowing that I may never hear about her again, you painted her picture in my mind and I can visualize what she looks like even now.

Like before, you leave me wanting to read more. You have a great talent for writing and I hope when you finish this story that it will make its way to publication. I will definitely purchase a copy.
5
5
Review by waynemart
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! Exciting cliff-hanger at the least. When doing a review, I never go back to pick things out to include. If I can't remember what I read, then the writer did not succeed in his/her objective.

I was hoping you would do a follow-up of #1 and you did. Though the whole subject matter is prostitution, I think you did a fine job of keeping it more G-rated than would would expect from such a piece. You used terminology that few, unless partaking in the trade, would know. For example, "bareback". I doubt one man out of ten would know that term, but won't have to look it up after reading this.

One of the reasons I couldn't get past the first chapter of "Harry Potter" was because the author bombarded me with what seemed to be a hundred characters. Trying to get a hold on a story that has so many characters is difficult on the reader. He has to store those names in his mind and remember what character each represents every time the name comes up. Just off my head and without looking back, here are the characters I remember and what their parts are in the story:

Joan: A young Japanese prostitute with little experience
Mark: Joan's close friend who pimps her to business associates.
Michael: Joan's husband, I find at the end
Seto: CEO of the gaming company who has this thing for Joan
Roland: Seto's bodyguard and prostitute arranger
Mokuba: Seto's brother
Duke: One of Seto's game developers
Laura: Secretary (I assume to Seto)
Pegasus: Not sure

I am sure there are more characters, but these come to mind from memory. Luckily, you did not throw them all at me in the first chapter, which gave me time to grasp their roles in the story. I do caution you that in writing the author has to keep in mind the limited capacity the reader has when it comes to names. Put too many in there and you lose your reader. Sweet old Miss Davis from high school said to try to limit short stories to 3-4 characters, at most.

A neatly done thing of making it appear that Mokuba is developing this crush on Joan makes me want to see how that progresses. But, slapping him with the news that Joan is married to Michael just might put an end to any kind of relationship going forward.

Your descriptive writing is second to none. The details made it easy to focus on the surroundings. For example, you described the bar Mokuba took Joan to very well. I could see the guard at the entrance to the upstairs VIP lounge vividly and Duke (Devlin) sitting near the stage with the poles. Your events flowed easily through my mind and your surprise ending left me wanting to read more. Seriously, I had thought Michael and Mark were the same person from your first writing in #1. Near the end I find they are not. Now, I will have to go back to read that section again to determine who Michael is. Again, too many characters can confuse even high comprehensive readers like me.

I will be waiting for #3. You definitely have me hooked on this story and I can't wait until the movie comes out.
6
6
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

I can see in your writing that you may have had a Miss Davis in your past. I could clearly see the meeting at school and feel the discontent of your friends. You obviously know how to tell a story and get your feeling across to the reader.

I don't usually comment on the content of a story, but this is one I relate to because of my 67 years as a white man, raised by color-sensitive parents. When I brought my Philippine wife home to meet my parents, my mother kicked us both out and I never saw her again until her funeral. I would like to share with you a bit of my past and my experiences with people of color:

Me and my 3 brothers were practically raised by an live-in unmarried black mother with a boy child. The child was my age and I spent more time with him growing up than I did with my brothers. We attended different schools, because in those days schools were segregated. I eventually graduated in 71 from a totally white school and had never spent much time with black folks except for my Nanny's son. We are still best friends to this day.

The only thing I knew about black people was what my parents would say. They were uneducated, stupid, unclean, and would steal the cloths off your back if given the chance. I never saw any of that with Nanny or her son, Jack. I never believed my parents, but never questioned them either.

I did not want my parents' help while attending college at UT. I got a job as a night policeman in Austin, TX and attended school in the daytime. My beat was east of Congress, or what was called the black part of town. It was the first time in my life I saw racism at its worst. We were all white cops in those days and no one wanted to respond to fights in black bars or tangle with any of the black gangs that hung around neighborhoods, selling dope. Though there wasn't a prejudiced bone in my body when I joined the force, I ended up worse than my mother by the time I resigned 4 years later. I had been hospitalized 3 times in those years as a result of arrest attempts in that area. My gun was taken from me twice after I was rendered unconscious when responding to emergency calls. In almost every street fight involving black males, there was a black female ready to get in the face of police, accusing us of being racists. If we attempted to arrest her, the fight would stop and the men would focus their anger on us.

From there I went to work for the World Health Organization. My first assignments were in the deepest regions of Africa, where I worked closely with village leaders to commission new hospitals we built for them. In those 5 years I developed very close relationships with the locals throughout the country and completely ignored the fact they had black skin. And, they never looked at me as a white threat to their way of life. They truly appreciated what we were providing for them.

Before retirement in the US, I worked side by side with a lot of black people and made many friends my deceased mother would never have approved. I have no friends who are racists, nor do I tolerate any talk of bigotry around me. I have heard many stories similar to yours; however, I have never witnessed that kind of racial behavior in my past. I firmly believe that such racial behavior is looked down upon by most white people these days. Sadly, there is still some around and comes mostly from uneducated white trash. At least, that is what I call them.

I look forward to reading more of your works.
7
7
Review of Rules For My Life  
Review by waynemart
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Pastor,

This is not a review, but a simple reflection on your message. God gave us the 10 Commandments as a guide to become good people and forsake all that is evil. Your 19 guidelines are a better breakdown of how the Good Lord meant for us to believe and act on. If we all could just follow a few of your personal rules, our lives would change and we would find ourselves happier and more fulfilled.

For many years now I have been teaching young adults how to turn their lives around by kicking self defeatism out the door and adopting almost exactly the rules you listed in your piece. Art Linkletter formed our organization many years ago to help people learn the Power of Positive Thinking. Many of us are believers and we include our Creator as a means to achieve greatness by following the teachings of our Savior. But, I am just preaching to the choir here.

I think I have read just about everything you have written so far. I don't comment on all because I don't want you to think I am stalking you. You and I are definitely on the same page with just about every subject you have written on. There is not a rule you have put on this piece that I do not follow myself. There is just one you did not put here that I have but cannot always follow:

"Do not get obsessed with national problems you can do nothing about".

That one is difficult for me because I see constant party fighting in DC that is taking this God-fearing country down the tubes.

Keep cranking out these great works! If you get a chance, take a look at my more recent work:

https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/219...
8
8
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nicely done, Becca. In one short paragraph you summed up the thinking of just about every Millennial I know. Before the age of 17, this piece completely summed up how I thought and reacted to others. I knew I was better than most of my friends, but didn't know how to overcome my attitude of being second best. By reading just one book in my Junior year of high school, I managed to completely turn my life around. If you get the chance, check out my piece explaining that change.

https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/219...
9
9
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is one of those pieces where I find it easier to comment on the subject than how it was written. The writing part is not worth breaking down because it was done very nicely. I could see what you were trying to get across through your words. No one could ask for more.

The subject matter is very close to how I have run my life since I was a teenager. Goals are essential to secure a better life. I think the piece I wrote on it explains the way I think and expounds on what you relay in your writing here. If you get a chance, take a look at it and tell me if you are committed to do what it takes to get where you want to be.

https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/219...
10
10
Review by waynemart
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very descriptive. The only thing I would change is to go back and put a space between your paragraphs. It would make it easier to read.

So you know, I have been to Vegas several times in my life. The only thing of mine that stays in Vegas is my money.
11
11
Review of Running Away  
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful! Those of us who have buried our parents identify with your grief. Mine have been gone now for more than 15 years, but I still constantly think of them. They left this world within a few short months of each other. I was born on their 7th anniversary, so when March 9 comes up every year, I identify with your short and wonderfully written piece. You nailed it for me!
12
12
Review of Holding Hands  
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

Your piece is difficult to finish because it reminds all of us who have had to bury our parents of the sadness it brought. It would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to put into words any of the good times I had with my mother and father. They left this world within a few months of each other and it was more than I could deal with in such a short span of time. Hardly a day goes by that I do not think of them and wish I could have been the better son they so deserved.

You have nailed descriptive writing and I suspect you had a Miss Davis somewhere in your past. I could see every picture you painted and had no trouble visualizing what you wanted me to see. I just can't figure how you managed to compose it with all the tears on your keyboard. Great job and thanks for writing this masterpiece.
13
13
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

Your story is a subject we can all identify with. In my day we did not have kindergarten and started school in the 1st grade. Your story reminded me of my first day with 26 other children and sweet Miss White. Through your words, I could visualize the room, teacher, and children. Not because I was there once, but because your descriptive writing abilities are right on. I suspect you had a Ms. Davis somewhere in your early years also. This was a good piece with a lot said in a few words. That's not easy to do.
14
14
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed reading this. I have something similar of my own that you might want to check out. If you don't mind, I have included your link at the bottom of mine.

https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/219...
15
15
Review of Beliefs  
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very inspirational piece from an obviously intelligent person. I was about 26 when something changed in my behavior after reading Art Linkletter's, "The Power of Positive Thinking". From the point after reading the first chapter, I completely changed my way of thinking and applied all his steps to a happy and successful life going forward. People have marveled at the things I've accomplished over the past 41 years.

The first rule is to be proud of yourself before anything else. Convince yourself you can accomplish anything. Wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and tell yourself you are special and can conquer the world if you want. Do the same thing before going to bed. Set goals and do whatever it takes to achieve them. Then set new ones.

I can find no flaws in your writing. You are obviously experienced with sentence structure and the ability to put your thoughts in a comprehensive manner. I look forward to reading some of your other inspired pieces. Keep it up and always think you are special.
16
16
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very inspirational piece from an obviously intelligent person. I was about 26 when something changed in my behavior after reading Art Linkletter's, "The Power of Positive Thinking". From the point after reading the first chapter, I completely changed my way of thinking and applied all his steps to a happy and successful life going forward. People have marveled at the things I've accomplished over the past 41 years.

The first rule is to be proud of yourself before anything else. Convince yourself you can accomplish anything. Wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and tell yourself you are special and can conquer the world if you want. Do the same thing before going to bed. Set goals and do whatever it takes to achieve them. Then set new ones.

I can find no flaws in your writing. You are obviously experienced with sentence structure and the ability to put your thoughts in a comprehensive manner. I look forward to reading some of your other inspired pieces. Keep it up and always think you are special.
17
17
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very inspirational piece from an obviously intelligent person. I was about 26 when something changed in my behavior after reading Art Linkletter's, "The Power of Positive Thinking". From the point after reading the first chapter, I completely changed my way of thinking and applied all his steps to a happy and successful life going forward. People have marveled at the things I've accomplished over the past 41 years.

The first rule is to be proud of yourself before anything else. Convince yourself you can accomplish anything. Wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and tell yourself you are special and can conquer the world if you want. Do the same thing before going to bed. Set goals and do whatever it takes to achieve them. Then set new ones.

I can find no flaws in your writing. You are obviously experienced with sentence structure and the ability to put your thoughts in a comprehensive manner. I look forward to reading some of your other inspired pieces. Keep it up and always think you are special.
18
18
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very inspirational piece from an obviously intelligent person. I was about 26 when something changed in my behavior after reading Art Linkletter's, "The Power of Positive Thinking". From the point after reading the first chapter, I completely changed my way of thinking and applied all his steps to a happy and successful life going forward. People have marveled at the things I've accomplished over the past 41 years.

The first rule is to be proud of yourself before anything else. Convince yourself you can accomplish anything. Wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and tell yourself you are special and can conquer the world if you want. Do the same thing before going to bed. Set goals and do whatever it takes to achieve them. Then set new ones.

I can find no flaws in your writing. You are obviously experienced with sentence structure and the ability to put your thoughts in a comprehensive manner. I look forward to reading some of your other inspired pieces. Keep it up and always think you are special.
19
19
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
If I was to define this piece, I'd label it as an inspired psychological look on man's basic response to facing downfalls. The reason it caught my eye was the title, Seeking Vindication. I thought it would be about getting even with those who wrong you. In my 67 years, I cannot count the number of times I wanted to get even with someone for what he did to me. But, your well written account of things working out made me stop and think of the good things that came to my life as a result of the bad. For example, my first wife of 4 years left me for a man she had been quietly sleeping with for months. I actually took steps to kill the both of them before killing myself. That would have sure fixed that problem, I thought at the time. But, I didn't do it and instead went on with my life. Years later I met my sole mate and have never been happier after 36 years married to her.

My hat's off to you on this one, Ray. You obviously put a lot of thought in to it and I am sure those who read it will walk away with a different way of thinking. I look forward to reading more of your inspired work.
20
20
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting essay and filled with common-sense. I wrote a similar piece; however, mine is more based in the science of creation and the religion of evolution. If you don't mind, I linked your essay at the bottom of mine. Yours is much better written and addresses more of the common-sense side of the subject.

https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/219...
21
21
Review of Ufology  
Review by waynemart
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. I do like sci-fi. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

Short and good descriptive writing, I can say about your piece. In your first two sentences, I was able to see the image of Colonel Rod in a space suit and the mist on the inside from the cough. From there, the movie in my mind was started and I could visualize the situation he was in.

Then came the Buck and Cody in the shack talking about what Cody saw from window. Immediately I knew one of two things had happened. Either Colonel Rod was an alien who crash-landed on Earth, or somehow his mission to space got turned around and he ended back on Earth unknowingly. And maybe all he had to do was open his helmet to survive. In either case, I didn't get that answered by the end of the piece.

Great descriptive writing and I am sure you have others I want to check out. You must have had an old Miss Davis in your past somewhere.
22
22
Review of Unfinished  
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

You nailed the movie part in my mind in just the first two paragraphs. Problem was, I didn't know if the main character was a male or female until mention of putting on the perfume. From there, I had to go back and put some pieces together in my mind of the images I had to leave out. If I were to suggest anything, I would establish the gender earlier in this piece.

There are a lot of writers out there who put things to words, but end up not having a story intent. This one confused me a bit. I assume from what I was reading is this is a woman who met a guy on-line and was about to meet him for the first time. The confusing part was mention of photos of him with his girlfriend. Ie..., "I realise only now that I don’t actually know what he looks like other than the odd pictures that he posts with his girlfriend." You would think a guy wanting to meet someone he finds on line would not post photos of himself with another girl. That made me doubt what I construed as the intent of the story.

Your abilities to paint pictures in your reader's mind is spot-on. I was disappointed with the end because the meeting did not take place in this story. I felt betrayed because that was the part I was most interested in seeing if she was happy or sad about her choice to see a stranger she knew nothing about. And, there could be the fact that I may have completely misunderstood your story intent altogether. No one should ever walk away from a story feeling that way. This is a good piece that I think could be made great with just a few changes.
23
23
Review by waynemart
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

I can honestly say that if I have not already started a good picture in my head by the end of the first paragraph, I stop reading and go onto something else. Yours placed me in the mood to read on by putting pictures in my head of a person (male or female) being broken down on an isolated road near an unidentified small town where an old man in a beat-up truck stops to help. That was a lot to say in such a short paragraph. You filled in the question of gender shortly in the second paragraph by introducing the main character as Susan. Now my movie was complete to continue filming as a I read on. The rest was icing on the cake.

My first conclusion after finishing this well-written piece is it ain't your first rodeo. I suspect you had someone like old Miss Davis in your past also. Your descriptive writing abilities capture the reader's imagination completely. I could clearly see Charlie working under the Impala and Susan shucking corn in the kitchen with Mary.

Some writers create stories without an intent. Once you finish it, you wonder what they were trying to get across to the readers. Yours had a definite intent. At least to me it was a story of a young woman trapped in a dull life in the city who unexpectedly finds piece in a laid-back town with friendly people. Well done and I will be looking for more of your creations as you post them.
24
24
Review by waynemart
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

Being a 67 year-old white American male who has worked himself around the Earth several times, I can say that the world of call-girls is not new to me. I always marveled at how such ladies could see multiple clients a day and treat me as if it were the only encounter for months. Your story exposes the laid-back world of Joan's profession in almost a comical manner. Well done and spot on relating to my experiences. With that said, you surprised me deep in the story when Joan told Mokuba, "You and Seto are only my second and third clients ever." I had to go back a couple of times and re-read that, because I was certain from the video you placed in my head that she was a professional with a lot of experience.

One thing I have no experience in is gaming. You used terminology here that I have never heard before. It took me awhile to understand where Mark took Joan after he picked her up. But, eventually I figured the scene out and understood what followed.

You have obviously nailed descriptive writing. From the moment Joan stepped off the Caltrain onto the platform with cell phone in hand, I had the vision started and it flowed like a movie throughout my reading. I could see clearly the walk with Mokuba and picture this cute Japanese girl holding his hand.

At the end, you left me wanting to know more. Did she meet with Roland later on and did he act like a Psychopath? So many questions left unanswered for me in this story. But, you let me know this was only part of the story in your early notes. Very entertaining and I will keep an eye out for more.
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Review of Whistler  
Review by waynemart
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am more into historical writings than this sort of subject, but yours caught my eye when flashing through some to read. When I read an interesting piece like yours, I go back and remember my sweet old high school English teacher, Miss Davis. She knew how to bring out the best writing skills in the worst of us. Her main point was that when you write, think of the reader creating a movie inside his head. As he reads, he is picturing the flow of events through images he creates in his mind from your words. If early in your story you say something like, “The rabbit jumped in a hole”, and later you mention the hole was in a tree and not the ground, you have completely destroyed the reader’s flow of images. It is difficult for a reader to reverse his imagination once it has been set in motion. Always be descriptive and never leave a reader to guessing what you meant for him to see.

Your first paragraph captured me right off. I could see an African boy and his read dog in a grassy field near a railroad track on a hot day. From there I had to read the rest because the picture was perfectly planted in my head. The rest was just icing on the cake.

I suspect you are not new to writing and maybe might have had an old English teacher like Miss Davis. You have inspired me now to finally write about my first encounter of walking up on a pride of lions in Kenya many years ago. I was there getting a new hospital up and running and missed the bus one morning getting to work. I took the quickest route from the village and walked into a clearing full of lions resting under a big tree. The male was startled and stood up to look at me in my frozen horror. The deafening roar took 10 years off my lifespan.
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