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1
1
for entry "home
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: Home is a person you love.



*Star*Something To Think About
Your stated this is a eight line poem, but I saw nine.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I see nothing wrong.



*Star*Things I Like: I enjoyed the use of lowercase throughout the poem. It added a humble tone to this poem. This isn’t only a description, but a loving surrender to the person being described. I also liked the near rhymes of chest/left and stone/home. You have a good bit of alliteration in line three.



*Star*Other Stuff: “Her breath is my foundation” is my favorite line.





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: Be careful what you wish for, when you make a choice to a genie.



*Star*Something To Think About
You might consider enlarging the size of the text. Speaking for myself, script fonts are a little harder to read, and a larger text can help.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I find no problems here.



*Star*Things I Like: I like the idea of you being dangerously smug. The genie has been at this a lot longer than you have and the assumption you can outthink him is misguided at best. The genie’s “eerie glee” provides a good contrast to his earlier sigh, which was, imho, acting.



*Star*Other Stuff: One of my favorite lines is “I don’t want a dumb ol’ cookie.”





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "July 9, 2022
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: Amongst the struggles of everyday life, there is joy in family.



*Star*Something To Think About
Is the word McNasty original? I’ve never run across it before.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: In your first paragraph, you placed two commas after 6 ft. I don’t know if the second “like” in your third sentence is deliberate, but the sentence works without it.



*Star*Things I Like: Your opening sentence caught my attention, and reading Treasure as a name made it stand out. Both your opening and closing sentences are positive, an excellent way to bracket any negative items in your piece. I am a big fan of the serial comma, and enjoyed how you used it here.

You present yourself as a definite person, unafraid to take action or speak your mind, and I find that appealing. I see you as someone who prefers peace, but not averse to fighting if necessary.



*Star*Other Stuff: My favorite phrase is “brave and happy.”





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Spellbound  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: An unwilling editor is drawn into a story by an author she dislikes.



*Star*Something To Think About
The words gripping and spellbinding are synonyms. You may want to change one. Paragraph three can be written as one sentence, if you prefer.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: With “throughs of delivering,” the spelling is throes. There are several places where a comma is needed, by American rules of grammar and style. One example is in in your first paragraph, with a comma between say and staring. I find the free version of Grammarly useful for figuring out commas.



*Star*Things I Like: The story makes me think of film noir, with hard- boiled detectives and mysterious women who don’t want any questions asked. A shady author meets a skeptical/unwilling editor, and she falls for him. It might be your second paragraph, where you used a head shot and a bad reputation to describe the man.
In paragraph four, your alliteration with “thrilled” and “brilliant” stood out. I liked the assonance in “writing” and “spellbinding,” too.



*Star*Other Stuff: I like your final sentence, it’s fitting.





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
for entry "Shrug
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: The author’s dog is anxious about her leaving, and keeps watching her.



*Star*Something To Think About
I wouldn’t mind reading more about Gracie. She sounds like a great dog. Cats can be such spoilsports, though.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I found no problems here.



*Star*Things I Like: I enjoyed your opening. The details—Mulberry colored and t-shirt material—allowed me to imagine the dress. It seques neatly into the description of your dog. You explain the dilemma clearly. I understood your point, and sympathized with Gracie. You share your train of thought and that engaged me. The way you wrote Gracie lying down, staying close, staring at you and getting underfoot drove Gracie’s anxiety home for me. Seeing a repetition of a pattern, the stressful drive to the vet followed by the relaxation when you arrive, gave me better insight into the struggles you both have. Your solution was good, even if the cat canceled it.




*Star*Other Stuff: Reading your post, I felt like I was in the room with you. Your final sentence is great.

Pet the fur people for me.





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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6
6
for entry "inappropriate content
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: The author is having a terrible day, thanks to her mother-in-law.



*Star*Something To Think About
Consider adding a question mark after Inappropriate Conduct. I think the appropriateness is debatable, and the question mark leaves it up to the reader.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: When writing forty dollars, the dollar sign goes before the number.



*Star*Things I Like: What you’ve written is direct. Your first sentence, only four words long, caught my attention right away. Your account goes in chronological order. You don’t treat your blog as if it’s okay to post crappy writing there. Your frustration with your mother-in-law is obvious, but you support your account with details: her overspending, the soaked seat, and the aggravation of going all over to buy something for a gift she’s giving.

Were you inappropriate? Maybe, but your reaction is understandable.







*Star*Other Stuff: I like the phrase “sodden bottom.”





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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7
7
Review of Chapter 7  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: A woman from a publishing house travels to Witches Bend to get a published author to sign with her house. Things go wrong, and she must spend the night at the author’s home.



*Star*Something To Think About
In your first paragraph, I was confused by th3 sentence “Most of the signs had numbers on them, forestry roads she thought, who would want to live in a tree line?” I find the final phrase unclear.
At the end of paragraph three, you might put quotation marks in the sentence about how the town makes money.
Keep an eye out for incomplete sentences.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: In paragraph four, boosted should be boasted.



*Star*Things I Like: I like Finn O’Cleary. He strikes me as being at home in his own skin. He’s not worried about this visitor, or changing anything about himself to make an impression. He knows what he wants, and being forced to sign a contract won’t work.

I also like Dufus. He’s a great addition to the scene, and his name is well-chosen. He’s an excellent choice to reveal the differences between Finn and Ashley.

Finn’s a much better person than I am. H3 looks at Ashley and sees an old soul; I look at her and see an impatient, judgmental witch. What is her problem? How old is this chick, anyway? I didn’t make a reservation, I expected to fly back to Boston, you’re not signing the contract, get your lawyer over here now, I don’t like your dog or this weather, boo hoo hoo. Grow up!

Yeah, you definitely nailed the contrast between the two characters.

I’m not sure where you’re going with this, but I imagine a potential romance between these two. I’m intrigued by the small creature. I’m suspecting it’s an elemental or a fairy.




*Star*Other Stuff: . “Large tracts of evergreen and conifer lined the road and stretched back to the rolling hillside on her left.” This is one of my favorite sentences.





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: How joining band as a trombonist shaped your life.



*Star*Something To Think About:
I wouldn’t change anything.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I see no problems.



*Star*Things I Like: I like your sense of humor. No More Little Roadster *Sob* and no phys ed for the rest of the year. *Delight* Made me chuckle. You give a window into your life in an unusual way, and lead us beyond your school experiences into a lasting part of your life. I enjoyed the asides, they fit well and tell me something I wouldn’t have known—Bobby Rydell’s attitude—or considered—boring for a trombonist. You’ve whetted my appetite for more stories of those earlier times, but also stopped in the right place, where you leave me wanting more.



*Star*Other Stuff: I found the dialogue funny, both with your band teacher and your companions. You might enjoy Brandon Sanderson’s Stephen Leeds stories. They’re not epic fantasy, but they are fun.





*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem: In no way can I summarize this letter, so I won’t.



*Star*Something To Think About
Your letter breaks my heart. You wrote this as a personal note, but I can feel the grief as I read. On the surface, it is a move out list. I think your relationship with your daughter is badly damaged, and may never be fixed again. The list is a litany revealing how difficult coping with your daughter’s behavior had become. “I left,” “I cleaned,” and “does not work” seems to describe your interactions with Laura.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: Nothing here.



*Star*Things I Like: You have great strength to endure through this time, and I admire you even more now. You are willing to share a private and painful time in your life, and that takes guts.



*Star*Other Stuff: Your final sentence is heart-wrenching.




*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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10
10
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there.My name is Whiskerface and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem: A couple with a small business make inspirational signs and try to live by one that says Walk Barefoot in the Sand.


Something To Think About: You may consider adding capital letters to the first letter of the words on the signs. Live, Love, Laugh. Home Sweet Home. They don’t stand out, because they look just like another sentence. You might change “to a t” into “to a tee.” Just a thought. In your third paragraph, I suggest changing “still dried out” to “still drying out.”

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I don’t see anything here.

Things I Like: The beach as a setting is something I can relate to, because I grew up on the Atlantic Ocean. You give the impression of a sleepy, quaint community. The family comes across as genuine people, content with the life they have. You portray their closeness well.

I see why you labeled this tragedy. Curt leaves, Melissa becomes depressed, and Doris grows up hardened. Your ending shook me, and I reread the story to pick up every detail after that.

Other Stuff: Your final sentence is powerful.


Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there. My name is Whiskerface and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem: A psychiatrist in a sanatorium struggles to cope with William Shatner’s delusion he’s Kirk.


Something To Think About: I found your first few lines unclear. I know you’re writing dialogue exclusively, and Dr. Noel gave the name Shatner in the first line, but I found the second line troublesome. I wasn’t certain who was speaking, and the lack of dialogue left few clues. Honestly, it might simply be me. But it is possible to rewrite the first line to add the doctor’s name, and if you ended on a question, it leads into Shatner answering. It’s your story, but I think you could easily lose lines two and three.


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: May I suggest you add punctuation marks around the dialogue? It makes it easier to follow the dialogue, at least for me. There are a number of punctuation errors. You might try Grammarly or something like it. The free version is great for finding problems with punctuation. The second time you wrote Romulans is misspelled.


Things I Like: I love good dialogue, and finding a story composed of conversation pleases me. You clearly had fun writing this, and it shows. The internal dialogue about ex-actors on sitcoms is funny, and shows us a more human side of Dr. Noel. William Shatner is a terrible client/inmate/nut job and Dr. Noel has my sympathy. He’s no Trekkie and has to improvise. Delta quadrant does sound believable, so two thumbs up there.“I’m not crazy!” “When can I leave this crazy house?” It’s impressive how you finished with a solution to the Next Generation/Deep Space Nine conundrum. I hope that lasts.


Other Stuff: One of my favorite lines is “Captain Kirk, why don't I get my physicians assistant to show you to your quarters and order you something to eat.” Telling Kirk he has quarters fits beautifully, and made me chuckle.


Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface
12
12
Rated: E | (4.0)
It’s great to find some RTTE fiction! I love How to Train Your Dragon, and enjoyed this glimpse into the beginning of Dragon’s Edge.

"The point is," he said, looking around again, "now we live the lives we choose." This is a great line. It reminds me of the first film, when Gobber says “Stop trying so hard to be something you’re not.” Well, Hiccup stopped trying and now the gang look to him. This line, this is his answer.

Since you’re new, let me suggest "Noticing Newbies.The people there are great. You can meet others, get help, participate in activities, and introduce yourself. Your first six months on the site is your newbie period, so get in there!

For the record, you can earn merit badges by:
Making your first post in the newsfeed
Writing your first review.
Filling in your bio block.

If you want something to review, you can try my story"At Fault. Reviews don’t have to be long. Saying “I liked this” counts. No pressure, but my story is an HTTYD story.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there.My name is Whiskerface and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem: By helping a fawn, a fairy becomes lost in the forest.



Something To Think About: In the sentence, “A loud retort from a rifle peals through the air,” the word peals seems off. I think of the pealing of bells. Maybe you could reword this. You might want to go with a past tense verb, too.


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: In paragraph three, you don’t need an ‘s’ on the end of ‘rans.’



Things I Like: Your character Mor’nen is likable. She has enthusiasm for her job, and isn’t afraid to work. She has a bright spirit, and acts swiftly to assist the fawn. She strikes me as a little different from the other fairies. She enjoys climbing the sunflowers while other fairies don’t. She dreams of greater things, like being a dragonfly rider. She wants to see the world from the sky. Maybe that’s why she enjoys climbing sunflowers—she gets to be high and see everything around her from above ground.



Other Stuff: I enjoyed the interaction between Lady Owl and Mor’nen. It was unexpected, and Lady Owl’s not being able to talk with Mor’nen is believable.


I looked up the Carambola tree, and now I know where star fruit comes from!


Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of SHADOWS OF A MAN  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there.My name is Whiskerface and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem: An old man, alone and uncared for, is someone worthwhile and composed of many experiences.



Something To Think About: The last two sentences in paragraph five seem out of place. You go from writing in third person to addressing the reader. It drew me out of the story and broke the flow of my reading. You might want to find a way to describe him other than the term old man. Perhaps the staff have a derogatory name for him.


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: In your first paragraph, the phrase ‘able too’ is written able to. In paragraph four, you wrote ‘...trench warfare. Then returned...’
Your second sentence lacks a subject. You can add a subject, or connect it to the previous sentence by using a comma.



Things I Like: I rarely see people write about care facilities, and that grabbed my attention. I immediately grasped who your character was and what his situation was like. I wanted to read about this character, to further discover who he was and how he dealt with his struggles. He seemed a man with no opportunity, every decision made for him, each person disregarding him. It struck me that he can speak, but doesn't. The staff could try to speak with him. There's a person in his body, not just a nuisance to be dragged around. It's almost like they're playing with a life-sized doll. He's breathing, but he isn't living.

He worked and produced, and twice fought in a world war. He protected his homeland, and now is treated like rubbish. Granted, Alzheimer’s patients aren't easy and the staff may become weary, but ignoring and insulting a helpless patient is despicable. Sorry, okay, rant over.

I enjoyed your details. The sweating and dry lips, socks but no shoes, helped me to imagine him.



Other Stuff: He was a prisoner of war, but later in his life, he was imprisoned again, by not only his body, but loneliness. My favorite line is “It was a hot August day and the sun’s rays penetrated the glass with fingers of fire.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A few random thoughts:

If a man is relying on his second brain, that means he’s first one isn’t working. A man’s body only has enough blood to run one or the other. If he’s using his “southern” brain, it means the northern one is not fully functioning.

My father was a plasterer with four daughters. He never thought we were incapable. He certainly wasn’t shy about having us haul ladders or cinder blocks around, or climb ladders to bring him tea. He never told us we couldn’t do it or that it was men’s work.

Mum was the wallpaper queen, and they reupholstered together, painted together, and so on.

So, maybe your character has some other home repair skills that aren’t plumbing. Perhaps that’s why she’s sure she can tackle this plumbing problem. Her skills might be good enough to permit her to instruct others. If she’s teaching carpentry or plastering at a local school, she has a mental edge over her boss. Perhaps she can talk to her coworkers about teaching them what she knows. Then she can approach her boss. Tell him that she thought about what he said and agrees that home repair can be hard for women. Let him get smug and comfortable.

Then, all the women taking the class would eventually start discussing the class over lunch and in the break room. Amongst themselves. Let them discuss things that only “men” talk about, like where to find superior lumber or the better manufacturers of lesser used tools. If the meat head boss tries to talk down to them, they can ask for his opinion. Discussing the technical specs of Dewalt over Black&Decker might not be something he’s up for. But they are. Perhaps his wife or daughters might take the class, too.

You might consider the phrase, “How hard can it be? Men do it.”

Alternatively, you might have her conclude she does need an expert to repair the toilet. The expert would be her mom, sorority sister, best friend, or someone in her book group. In fact, they might have a barter system amongst the women. I fix your toilet, you teach my daughter-in-law and son how to drywall, we combine skills to help Heather with laying Saltillo tile. All this time, she had the resources, just wanted to do it herself.

In fact, she might have female coworkers as part of this anyway. One of them could ask her, ”Why didn’t you call me? You know I’m in the network.” She might even volunteer her daughter as an assistant to one or more of the other women. There might be other women outside the network who can call upon the expertise of these women. What about the manager’s wife? Perhaps she tapped Janice and Elinor to fix their deck. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Maybe his wife finds out what happens, and decides his second brain can be safely ignored, since he needs it for the hefty business of home repair.

Basically, something that can or might turn the tables on the boss, preferably with him being ignorant and finding out later that he’s been one-upped. But not in front of everyone—-a private comeuppance that still puts him in his place. And the small, unspoken threat that someone might discover the situation. He’d never bug her about it like that again.

Anyway, that’s what I have. And, yeah, I’d change the title. Great story. Keep writing. Whiskerface*Cat2* *Hammer* *Screw*
16
16
Review of Jessica Strong  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, this is whiskerface, and I’m here to review "Invalid Item. This review is only my opinion; so feel free to discard or ignore anything here.🙂

I had difficulty reading your chapter because of the layout. The sentences consistently ran across the page in an entire line to half line pattern. This distracts the reader and makes your work seem choppy. The narrow layout of the page makes this worse. I suggest you reformat to a wider page and give your sentences the space they need to be a smoother read. Anything that distracts the reader is a problem, so keep that in mind when you edit.

There are problems with grammar and punctuation. In your opening sentence, you wrote “At least a hundred bullet is headed for Jessica”.
Bullet is plural, so add the letter s. Since it’s a plural, use are for the verb. Use the word is for the singular. If you wrote “A bullet is heading for Jessica,” there would be no problem. By announcing the number 100, you’ve announced it is plural. This is an easy fix. There are a number of problems like a period being where a comma should belong, so read through for errors in spelling, punctuation, and usage.

The phrase “professional killers” needs no capitals. Usually, names and specific titles require capitals. Professional killers is neither. Also, you use this phrase repeatedly. Vary your descriptions. Are they thugs or goons? Hired muscle? Are they ex-military or former criminals eager for housing, food, and no desire to go straight? Another approach is writing several lines describing them. For example:

The squad leaders were...
Highly trained, intelligent, fixated, mentally imbalanced, wearing body armor, untiring

The squads were composed of...
Ex criminals, homeless people, anyone willing to kill, abducted college students, a mixed bag of dangerous folk, desperate people, folks with terminal illnesses

Jessica knew...

They despised her, they were cannon fodder, the older ones pushed the newbies to the front, they weren’t aware of her skills, enough of them would wear her down

So, sticking in a more detailed paragraph of what Jessica faced will save a lot of repetition later.

Your writing is wordy and repetitive. You restate points about people are trying to kill Jessica, Jessica fights back, these people are professional killers who plan to kill Jessica but she fights back, she kills them, she kills more of them, and so on. Don’t beat a point into the ground. Let your readers do the work of making connections. State something to your audience, then back it up with action. Have Jessica pull a gun to reinforce the idea that she’s fighting back. Show what’s happening instead of only telling. Use vivid, sensory language. There are resources that assist with this. One is:


https://jerichowriters.com/show-dont-tell/

Your overuse “to be” verb forms. Go reread your first few paragraphs and count how many of these you included. Avoid overusing words in general, and employ specific words for a clearer point. Laughed is vague. Giggled, hooted, barked, cackled, shook are more precise. Use a thesaurus.

No reader wants every thought, question, or decision laid out for them. Stick to the major points and decrease unneeded interior monologues. Don’t describe every room or every decision or every time Jessica reloads. That becomes annoying and turns off your reader. I found myself skipping large chunks of the story because it felt like more of what I’d read before.

You have too many adverbs. Adverbs water down writing. Be brutal. Excise all you can. Turn mumbles softly into murmuring. Make silently into noiseless.

Make Jessica human, not superhuman. No one can fight without sweating, bleeding, turning down a blind alley. Give her a limp. Let her dehydrate. Give the bad guys something positive, like knowing the layout of the building better, or where the weapons caches are. Let her feel fear or frustration. Jessica can have memory lapses, pain from old injuries, or other problems to overcome.

Write a believable situation. You have sentences and paragraphs that say Jessica won’t kill them but will kill them. That’s nonsensical. Jessica killing men, then disarming them, then checking to see if they’re dead is pointless. Either she knows what she’s doing or she doesn’t. Anyone still alive would have killed Jessica while he was still armed.

If you are going to write about guns, know something about them. Automatic weapons are machine guns. You pull the trigger once and it keeps firing. Just about everything else is a semiautomatic, with one pull of the trigger delivering one shot fired. Name your weapons and know the features available with them. This applies to other situations. Never have a truck when you can have a Toyota Tundra. Don’t talk about ice cream but Raspberry Ripple.

A few last thoughts. Decide what needs to be said, then figure out what isn’t necessary. Write only what you need to make the point. Remember, you’re planning a series of books. You can add to Jessica’s story in other novels. Vary your sentence lengths. A four word sentence may communicate an idea more successfully. “ He stopped short.” It also keeps the reader reading. Anything that makes the reader distracted or unwilling to keep reading is a problem.

As I said before, this is my opinion. I hope I helped. This is a great idea for a novel. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*










*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Ten Loves to One  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there,mJenny. My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You have had many loves, but remained faithful to one---writing.


*Star*Something To Think About

In your third stanza, you write "as my mind began to tarnish." I initially took that to mean your creativity was failing you, or your skills were getting rusty b cause you were caught up in other things. Since you remain consistent throughout the poem with never abandoning writing, you may want to rethink that line.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
You have line endings that could take a punctuation mark, such as a semicolon, comma, or period. (Yes, I AM a fan of the Oxford comma. It's an American grammar thing.) Without them, it reminds me of a run-on sentence.


*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind the poem. The idea of writing about your other loves and contrasting them with writing seemed fresh. Your title made me think this was going to be more about personal romance, so I was surprised and delighted with this poem. Your poem is also accessible. No complicated forms, no long words, no sky-high concepts. This poem is personal and it reads that way. You add lighter touches, such as the phrase " men got in the way." I could imagine the stages you experienced through the use of words like discotheque and nail varnish.


*Star*Other Stuff:
I'd end with my favorite line, but there are several. One is the couplet, "But my first love; it was writing/And I thought I'd write forever."



*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



My black cat sig

18
18
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angus

Since you are only asking for feedback on that final line, i would omit it. Your focus is on Tiffany and Angus, and putting the owl in as the conclusion is jarring. I spoils the tenderness evoked by their final togetherness.

Let me say, Putting your query at the end of your story is brilliant. Even if you ask for a specific answer on the Please Review forum, you won't always get it. Also, any reviewers who stumble across this piece can address this question. Good story. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Here's my donation, Fran. Thank you so much for doing this; the Story Family are mt friends, too. Whiskerface*Cat2* *Heart*
20
20
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1768060 Unavailable **




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Jeannie. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The strength and courage shown by Johnathon with his fatal illness.

*Star*Something To Think About:
It may help your reader to include more detail about Neimann-Pick disease. Perhaps you could add some information in the section where he was six. The doctor could be using words that had no meaning for him, like jaundice and enlarged spleen. He could remember those words as well as the name of the disease.
Age eight seems young to keep all his emotion inside. Maybe he could cry at night more often, or have bad dreams. I also wondered if he was able to research Neimann-Pick or if he learned by living with it. You might want to put Johnathan's name in the story more often to engage your reader. I'd like to know how old Johnathon is at his death.


*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In paragraph two, you don't need an ellipsis mark. Also in that paragraph, " cannot" ought to be could not to keep with past tense. The word "Mommy" needs a capital because it's being used as a name.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind this story. Writing about a progressive and fatal illness from the viewpoint of a child suffering with it got my attention. Johnathon displayed great courage and determination. He made decisions with unusual maturity. Choosing to keep his emotions inside and starting projects are two examples. You refused to make him into Tiny Tim crying "God bless us, everyone!" Instead, Johnathon wrote a great deal of his suffering in his journal. He painted pictures of what pain looked like and felt alive when he suffered the pain.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed reading about the different projects Johnathon pursued. It helped me see and understand him more easily,


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

"Invalid Item
21
21
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Dogpack. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
How you and Shady came to know each other. How loving and devoted Shady was.

*Star*Something To Think About:
OK, first the picky bits. In line three, it needs the word "you," not "your." In line six, either make that two short sentences, or place a connecting word like "and" after the comma. Your sentences beginning "devoted" and "distressed" lack a subject.

You seem to have a lot to say about Shady. Since you wrote this line-by-line instead of as a paragraph, I assumed it was a poem. I lose concentration when reading a lot of long lines and I start to skim. I would suggest writing shorter lines to keep the reader from becoming distracted by the layout of your piece. You can sometimes shorten an existing sentence by breaking it into two. For example, turning " You were afraid, uncertain, insecure" into its own sentence by inserting the word "and" after "uncertain." There are also instances where you repeat an idea. When you wrote "I kept...space," you are stating the same idea, I think. If you keep your distance, won't that provide space? You reinforce the idea when you write about drawing closer in the next sentence. If you have a choice of words or phrases, and you want to, choose the stronger term. I really liked seeing the word "glee." It conjures up an image. Specific words are valuable, I think, because they provide a clearer image to your reader. A few details about Shady might help, too. Did Shady always greet you with a bark when you came home? Did you play games together? Was Shady active or a lazybones? Did Shady snore or woof in his sleep?(Our dog did.)

I have a few ideas about the layout. You have some wonderful short sentences here! Actually, either one of your first two lines would be a good title. If you want this to be a poem, breaking it into segments that start with a short sentence is one approach. Lines like "When I met you," "Our hearts joined immediately," and "I cherish your friendship" can each open a segment of the poem. Following that with other sentences that expand upon the idea is a possibility. You could reorder some of your sentences to connect ideas. Swapping " I would have" with "extremely happy" is one example. You describe Shady as loving, sweet, and affectionate, so using concrete examples seems necessary to me. Perhaps Shady was affectionate when he lay his head on your feet as you sat writing. Shady could have been companionable by watching tv with you. You could even make this simply about each quality Shady possessed. I can't recommend a poetry form for you. Shadowpoetry.com is a good resource for form poems. Oh, and absolutely center this. Show it off to capture people's attention! Use formatting tools like color and divider-type emoticons to set it off.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Be consistent with capitalization and periods at the end of your sentences.

*Star*Things I Like:
I loved reading about Shady. Shady seems to be unique and perfectly suited to you. I could feel the emotion in your writing, and got the impression that you had trouble finding adequate words to express yourself. Shady touched a part of you that is difficult to describe, and your writing shows that.I actually think you have so much to say that containing it in one piece of writing is inadequate. You can probably write multiple things about Shady. As I said before, you have beautiful short sentences in here, and that makes a good break from the longer ones. They work especially well at transition points, such as "Our hearts joined immediately." That sentence perfectly describes your connection with Shady. Keep it, please.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I am not trying to attack your work. These are mere suggestions. You might consider finding a thesaurus to provide you with alternate words. If you edit this, I will review it again.

One of my favorite lines is "I cherish our friendship."

Lastly, be aware that while I ask a lot of questions, I do not expect answers! This is just my reviewing style.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

"Invalid Item
22
22
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Ken. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The changes aging brings, physical and philosophical.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your first stanza, line two, you might change "said" to asked. It's a bit more specific. I am uncertain what you intended with your final two lines. If the comma indicates a break in the thought, that's fine. But if it's a complete thought "To never hesitate/ to live" the comma is unneeded. You could also center your poem, for visual appeal. Lastly, you might remove "syndrome" from your title. It seems a little limiting, since you're not spending a lot of time on physical complaints.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Zip. Zilch. Nada.

*Star*Things I Like:
Opening with the phone call and the quotation caught my attention. You segued neatly into the second paragraph, with no distractions. I appreciate the nearness of the syllable count in each line. Exactitude isn't necessary. But jumping from five syllables to eleven is disconcerting for a reader, and I'm glad you avoided that. You set a reflective tone here, and I feel it's like a conversation. I can imagine the voice, pauses, and intonation as I read it. Actually, it reminds me of The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost, with the feeling of a conversation. I also liked your use of enjambment in lines like "adding years/ denoted wisdom." Your poem flowed smoothly, and I liked the ideas you used.
I was also tickled by your internal rhyme in stanza three.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed the word "leisured" and the phrase " go oft astray." They are less usual, and encouraged me to think, as did your final couplet. Reading this was a pleasure. Your poem is a gem.



*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

"Invalid Item
23
23
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi thereScifiwizard. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A parody of Let It Go" explaining why you should investigate CSFS.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your sixth line, you wrote " with no one to confide." I understand the point you're making, but it does read as if you are expecting someone to confide something to you. I'm sure you already know you could write confide in or in which to confide, but it doesn't exactly flow. Just a thought. Line eight was unclear to me. "Be the mature one they all expect today." What point were you trying to make with that line? Why is maturity expected, and who expects it? So far, you haven't mentioned any group of people, so the arrival of "they" in the same line as "the mature one" threw me. How are you immature, anyway, and what does maturity look like. The actual song has they/ them referring to the country's people, but you don't have a backstory. You could try using a term like folks or others, which implies people but not a specific group. You could also replace " mature" with a different term that is more limited, such as stoic. I am only providing an example. Line twenty-five uses "thee," which doesn't match the more modern usage. I know you were going for the rhyme. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
When you wrote " thoughts explodes," you don't need the S on explodes.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed this parody. I like Let It Go" anyway, and it was pleased to find a well-done parody. You've stuck close to the idea behind the song, with the point of doing what you're made for. You are also doing a good job of sticking to the syllable count of the original. I also liked some of the words you used, such as "immersed." You communicate your energy and enthusiasm clearly. You must really like CSFS.*Smile*

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite verse begins:" These tales will lift your spirits right up off the ground."

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

"Invalid Item
24
24
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, PandaPaws. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A medic rans into a battle, risking himself to save a soldier.

*Star*Something To Think About:
I thought your second line felt off. The idea of an entire unit giving a frown sounds like everyone in the unit frowned at once. The idea of an individual frowning seems more successful. The unit's CO, for example, or the chief medic. Another thing I noticed was at the end of stanza four. You use the term "overgrown boulder." Boulders can't grow, and reading that distracted me. I am a very literal thinker and while I suspect you intended to say that plant life had overgrown the boulder, I didn't see that interpretation at first. If that wasn't your intent, perhaps a word like oversized boulder could work better here.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
if you ever feel like changing the ending, " risking his ass" followed by an ellipses could change the tone to suggest more strongly the continuing of his bravery under fire.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked reading about the medic. They aren't as often celebrated and written about, and I'm glad you decided to honor them this way. I found your poem to be a comfortable read, with no technical terms to distract or confuse me. I usually just want the story, not the type of sniper rifle. I also like that you closed with a line from the first stanza, "The medic runs out, risking his ass!"

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really like the energy in your title.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

"Invalid Item
25
25
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, LostGhost. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Pain fades over time, so just hang on.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In line five, "alters" needs no S. When you write of the autumn leaves, they are objects, things. But you describe sorrow as being alive when you wrote " diluting its own self." To make sorrow a thing, you could write diluted instead. I also feel the word "blow" needs a word like Away to clarify the thought. For example, blow away this. I realize you are using meter in your sonnet, and I'm not trying to harm that. In your closing line, " drive" can also be written as Thrive, if you want to change the meaning at some point. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the tone of your poem. You're recognizing the victim's anguish can't be understood. No platitudes or claiming you understand, just a plan to speak one truth completely. You are saying something that can be expressed as a platitude, such as ' it will get better," or " this, too, shall pass." But you mean what you say, and walk the sufferer through the process with your words. You are supporting him in a way that can capture his attention, a little like you're holding his hand. I also liked your comparison to autumn leaves, and was struck by the word "status" to describe them.

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite line is " The monster eating you will go away."


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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