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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whiskerface
Review Requests: ON
146 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A few random thoughts:

If a man is relying on his second brain, that means he’s first one isn’t working. A man’s body only has enough blood to run one or the other. If he’s using his “southern” brain, it means the northern one is not fully functioning.

My father was a plasterer with four daughters. He never thought we were incapable. He certainly wasn’t shy about having us haul ladders or cinder blocks around, or climb ladders to bring him tea. He never told us we couldn’t do it or that it was men’s work.

Mum was the wallpaper queen, and they reupholstered together, painted together, and so on.

So, maybe your character has some other home repair skills that aren’t plumbing. Perhaps that’s why she’s sure she can tackle this plumbing problem. Her skills might be good enough to permit her to instruct others. If she’s teaching carpentry or plastering at a local school, she has a mental edge over her boss. Perhaps she can talk to her coworkers about teaching them what she knows. Then she can approach her boss. Tell him that she thought about what he said and agrees that home repair can be hard for women. Let him get smug and comfortable.

Then, all the women taking the class would eventually start discussing the class over lunch and in the break room. Amongst themselves. Let them discuss things that only “men” talk about, like where to find superior lumber or the better manufacturers of lesser used tools. If the meat head boss tries to talk down to them, they can ask for his opinion. Discussing the technical specs of Dewalt over Black&Decker might not be something he’s up for. But they are. Perhaps his wife or daughters might take the class, too.

You might consider the phrase, “How hard can it be? Men do it.”

Alternatively, you might have her conclude she does need an expert to repair the toilet. The expert would be her mom, sorority sister, best friend, or someone in her book group. In fact, they might have a barter system amongst the women. I fix your toilet, you teach my daughter-in-law and son how to drywall, we combine skills to help Heather with laying Saltillo tile. All this time, she had the resources, just wanted to do it herself.

In fact, she might have female coworkers as part of this anyway. One of them could ask her, ”Why didn’t you call me? You know I’m in the network.” She might even volunteer her daughter as an assistant to one or more of the other women. There might be other women outside the network who can call upon the expertise of these women. What about the manager’s wife? Perhaps she tapped Janice and Elinor to fix their deck. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Maybe his wife finds out what happens, and decides his second brain can be safely ignored, since he needs it for the hefty business of home repair.

Basically, something that can or might turn the tables on the boss, preferably with him being ignorant and finding out later that he’s been one-upped. But not in front of everyone—-a private comeuppance that still puts him in his place. And the small, unspoken threat that someone might discover the situation. He’d never bug her about it like that again.

Anyway, that’s what I have. And, yeah, I’d change the title. Great story. Keep writing. Whiskerface*Cat2* *Hammer* *Screw*
2
2
Review of Jessica Strong  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, this is whiskerface, and I’m here to review "Invalid Item. This review is only my opinion; so feel free to discard or ignore anything here.🙂

I had difficulty reading your chapter because of the layout. The sentences consistently ran across the page in an entire line to half line pattern. This distracts the reader and makes your work seem choppy. The narrow layout of the page makes this worse. I suggest you reformat to a wider page and give your sentences the space they need to be a smoother read. Anything that distracts the reader is a problem, so keep that in mind when you edit.

There are problems with grammar and punctuation. In your opening sentence, you wrote “At least a hundred bullet is headed for Jessica”.
Bullet is plural, so add the letter s. Since it’s a plural, use are for the verb. Use the word is for the singular. If you wrote “A bullet is heading for Jessica,” there would be no problem. By announcing the number 100, you’ve announced it is plural. This is an easy fix. There are a number of problems like a period being where a comma should belong, so read through for errors in spelling, punctuation, and usage.

The phrase “professional killers” needs no capitals. Usually, names and specific titles require capitals. Professional killers is neither. Also, you use this phrase repeatedly. Vary your descriptions. Are they thugs or goons? Hired muscle? Are they ex-military or former criminals eager for housing, food, and no desire to go straight? Another approach is writing several lines describing them. For example:

The squad leaders were...
Highly trained, intelligent, fixated, mentally imbalanced, wearing body armor, untiring

The squads were composed of...
Ex criminals, homeless people, anyone willing to kill, abducted college students, a mixed bag of dangerous folk, desperate people, folks with terminal illnesses

Jessica knew...

They despised her, they were cannon fodder, the older ones pushed the newbies to the front, they weren’t aware of her skills, enough of them would wear her down

So, sticking in a more detailed paragraph of what Jessica faced will save a lot of repetition later.

Your writing is wordy and repetitive. You restate points about people are trying to kill Jessica, Jessica fights back, these people are professional killers who plan to kill Jessica but she fights back, she kills them, she kills more of them, and so on. Don’t beat a point into the ground. Let your readers do the work of making connections. State something to your audience, then back it up with action. Have Jessica pull a gun to reinforce the idea that she’s fighting back. Show what’s happening instead of only telling. Use vivid, sensory language. There are resources that assist with this. One is:


https://jerichowriters.com/show-dont-tell/

Your overuse “to be” verb forms. Go reread your first few paragraphs and count how many of these you included. Avoid overusing words in general, and employ specific words for a clearer point. Laughed is vague. Giggled, hooted, barked, cackled, shook are more precise. Use a thesaurus.

No reader wants every thought, question, or decision laid out for them. Stick to the major points and decrease unneeded interior monologues. Don’t describe every room or every decision or every time Jessica reloads. That becomes annoying and turns off your reader. I found myself skipping large chunks of the story because it felt like more of what I’d read before.

You have too many adverbs. Adverbs water down writing. Be brutal. Excise all you can. Turn mumbles softly into murmuring. Make silently into noiseless.

Make Jessica human, not superhuman. No one can fight without sweating, bleeding, turning down a blind alley. Give her a limp. Let her dehydrate. Give the bad guys something positive, like knowing the layout of the building better, or where the weapons caches are. Let her feel fear or frustration. Jessica can have memory lapses, pain from old injuries, or other problems to overcome.

Write a believable situation. You have sentences and paragraphs that say Jessica won’t kill them but will kill them. That’s nonsensical. Jessica killing men, then disarming them, then checking to see if they’re dead is pointless. Either she knows what she’s doing or she doesn’t. Anyone still alive would have killed Jessica while he was still armed.

If you are going to write about guns, know something about them. Automatic weapons are machine guns. You pull the trigger once and it keeps firing. Just about everything else is a semiautomatic, with one pull of the trigger delivering one shot fired. Name your weapons and know the features available with them. This applies to other situations. Never have a truck when you can have a Toyota Tundra. Don’t talk about ice cream but Raspberry Ripple.

A few last thoughts. Decide what needs to be said, then figure out what isn’t necessary. Write only what you need to make the point. Remember, you’re planning a series of books. You can add to Jessica’s story in other novels. Vary your sentence lengths. A four word sentence may communicate an idea more successfully. “ He stopped short.” It also keeps the reader reading. Anything that makes the reader distracted or unwilling to keep reading is a problem.

As I said before, this is my opinion. I hope I helped. This is a great idea for a novel. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*










*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Ten Loves to One  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there,mJenny. My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You have had many loves, but remained faithful to one---writing.


*Star*Something To Think About

In your third stanza, you write "as my mind began to tarnish." I initially took that to mean your creativity was failing you, or your skills were getting rusty b cause you were caught up in other things. Since you remain consistent throughout the poem with never abandoning writing, you may want to rethink that line.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
You have line endings that could take a punctuation mark, such as a semicolon, comma, or period. (Yes, I AM a fan of the Oxford comma. It's an American grammar thing.) Without them, it reminds me of a run-on sentence.


*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind the poem. The idea of writing about your other loves and contrasting them with writing seemed fresh. Your title made me think this was going to be more about personal romance, so I was surprised and delighted with this poem. Your poem is also accessible. No complicated forms, no long words, no sky-high concepts. This poem is personal and it reads that way. You add lighter touches, such as the phrase " men got in the way." I could imagine the stages you experienced through the use of words like discotheque and nail varnish.


*Star*Other Stuff:
I'd end with my favorite line, but there are several. One is the couplet, "But my first love; it was writing/And I thought I'd write forever."



*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



My black cat sig

4
4
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angus

Since you are only asking for feedback on that final line, i would omit it. Your focus is on Tiffany and Angus, and putting the owl in as the conclusion is jarring. I spoils the tenderness evoked by their final togetherness.

Let me say, Putting your query at the end of your story is brilliant. Even if you ask for a specific answer on the Please Review forum, you won't always get it. Also, any reviewers who stumble across this piece can address this question. Good story. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*
5
5
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1768060 Unavailable **




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Jeannie. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The strength and courage shown by Johnathon with his fatal illness.

*Star*Something To Think About:
It may help your reader to include more detail about Neimann-Pick disease. Perhaps you could add some information in the section where he was six. The doctor could be using words that had no meaning for him, like jaundice and enlarged spleen. He could remember those words as well as the name of the disease.
Age eight seems young to keep all his emotion inside. Maybe he could cry at night more often, or have bad dreams. I also wondered if he was able to research Neimann-Pick or if he learned by living with it. You might want to put Johnathan's name in the story more often to engage your reader. I'd like to know how old Johnathon is at his death.


*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In paragraph two, you don't need an ellipsis mark. Also in that paragraph, " cannot" ought to be could not to keep with past tense. The word "Mommy" needs a capital because it's being used as a name.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind this story. Writing about a progressive and fatal illness from the viewpoint of a child suffering with it got my attention. Johnathon displayed great courage and determination. He made decisions with unusual maturity. Choosing to keep his emotions inside and starting projects are two examples. You refused to make him into Tiny Tim crying "God bless us, everyone!" Instead, Johnathon wrote a great deal of his suffering in his journal. He painted pictures of what pain looked like and felt alive when he suffered the pain.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed reading about the different projects Johnathon pursued. It helped me see and understand him more easily,


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
6
6
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Dogpack. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
How you and Shady came to know each other. How loving and devoted Shady was.

*Star*Something To Think About:
OK, first the picky bits. In line three, it needs the word "you," not "your." In line six, either make that two short sentences, or place a connecting word like "and" after the comma. Your sentences beginning "devoted" and "distressed" lack a subject.

You seem to have a lot to say about Shady. Since you wrote this line-by-line instead of as a paragraph, I assumed it was a poem. I lose concentration when reading a lot of long lines and I start to skim. I would suggest writing shorter lines to keep the reader from becoming distracted by the layout of your piece. You can sometimes shorten an existing sentence by breaking it into two. For example, turning " You were afraid, uncertain, insecure" into its own sentence by inserting the word "and" after "uncertain." There are also instances where you repeat an idea. When you wrote "I kept...space," you are stating the same idea, I think. If you keep your distance, won't that provide space? You reinforce the idea when you write about drawing closer in the next sentence. If you have a choice of words or phrases, and you want to, choose the stronger term. I really liked seeing the word "glee." It conjures up an image. Specific words are valuable, I think, because they provide a clearer image to your reader. A few details about Shady might help, too. Did Shady always greet you with a bark when you came home? Did you play games together? Was Shady active or a lazybones? Did Shady snore or woof in his sleep?(Our dog did.)

I have a few ideas about the layout. You have some wonderful short sentences here! Actually, either one of your first two lines would be a good title. If you want this to be a poem, breaking it into segments that start with a short sentence is one approach. Lines like "When I met you," "Our hearts joined immediately," and "I cherish your friendship" can each open a segment of the poem. Following that with other sentences that expand upon the idea is a possibility. You could reorder some of your sentences to connect ideas. Swapping " I would have" with "extremely happy" is one example. You describe Shady as loving, sweet, and affectionate, so using concrete examples seems necessary to me. Perhaps Shady was affectionate when he lay his head on your feet as you sat writing. Shady could have been companionable by watching tv with you. You could even make this simply about each quality Shady possessed. I can't recommend a poetry form for you. Shadowpoetry.com is a good resource for form poems. Oh, and absolutely center this. Show it off to capture people's attention! Use formatting tools like color and divider-type emoticons to set it off.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Be consistent with capitalization and periods at the end of your sentences.

*Star*Things I Like:
I loved reading about Shady. Shady seems to be unique and perfectly suited to you. I could feel the emotion in your writing, and got the impression that you had trouble finding adequate words to express yourself. Shady touched a part of you that is difficult to describe, and your writing shows that.I actually think you have so much to say that containing it in one piece of writing is inadequate. You can probably write multiple things about Shady. As I said before, you have beautiful short sentences in here, and that makes a good break from the longer ones. They work especially well at transition points, such as "Our hearts joined immediately." That sentence perfectly describes your connection with Shady. Keep it, please.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I am not trying to attack your work. These are mere suggestions. You might consider finding a thesaurus to provide you with alternate words. If you edit this, I will review it again.

One of my favorite lines is "I cherish our friendship."

Lastly, be aware that while I ask a lot of questions, I do not expect answers! This is just my reviewing style.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
7
7
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Aqua. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A dying man spends the last of his time with his delightful little daughter.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your opening, you use the name "Mr. Ralph." I actually thought you meant that as a first name at first. Pat, with SAJ, sometimes answers to Miss Pat, for example. You may reconsider that last name. In your opening sentence, you wrote about the "symphony" of the heart rate monitor. That word suggests a number of different sounds coming together. Typically, the heart-rate monitor makes only one or two sounds. If Mr. Ralph's heart is in such a bad condition that the noises the machine makes are multiplied, then there's no problem with that. I'm only familiar with the flatline sound and the ordinary sounds of the monitor. But if you're not referring to a uncommon sound, then I would change "symphony" to something else, like pulse. Or, you could combine several sounds, such as the monitor, the faint voices, and the opening door to create a symphony.

I noticed that you opened paragraph ten with "Much better." The remainder of the paragraph described the hospital room in detail. Your description made the room sound impersonal; sterile. The next paragraph begins with Peter sighing at the thought. If you are referring to his thought in the previous paragraph, the detailed description creates a new line of thought completely, and can cause the reader to miss the connection between the two opening sentences. If Peter is sighing because of the room, you may want to say at the sight, not at the thought.

In paragraph twelve, the final sentence seems unfinished. You could finish the sentence by using a word like anything or a word. New Years Eve is January 31st, but your story places it on January 30th, since Peter gets out of the hospital on the 29th. New Years Day has a delivery being made to the house. This seems unlikely to me, because it is a holiday. One other thing: you can replace the phrase "non-tedious" with something more specific, like lively.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
When you describe Carla, you need hyphens in "twenty-year-old." Since you're using "twenty-year-old" to describe Carla, you need to place a comma after the word "sister."

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind your story. Instead of focusing on the sadness, Peter takes definite steps to be with Lily. He's not a quitter and refuses to languish in the hospital when he could spend his remaining time with Lily. There's nothing wrong with his mind or spirit. He could pressure Lily into doing what he wants with the time he has left, but Peter only wants Lily to be happy. That's why he bought a Happy Meal for her, and watched two hours of Dora, and let her listen to it when he wanted to talk.

Peter's approach to telling Lily showed wisdom and strength of character, and underscored the places in your story that also have Peter display these traits. Exchanging the idea of death and dying with being in Heaven strikes just the right note for his explanation. Hanging the jar to help her remember him is a beautiful idea. Lily needs something real and making the jar to hang provides her with something tangible while engaging her imagination. I can see the love between these two clearly in both words and actions.

You made great use of alliteration in phrases like " people's problems," ans assonance, such as "eyes explores his as if expressing." I also like dialogue in a story, so I enjoyed discovering these characters through the conversations.

Your description is clever and detailed, such as in paragraph ten's description of the hospital room. I could see the room, not just read about it.

*Star* Other Stuff:
You did a wonderful job of making these characters real. They are memorable.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
8
8
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Ken. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The changes aging brings, physical and philosophical.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your first stanza, line two, you might change "said" to asked. It's a bit more specific. I am uncertain what you intended with your final two lines. If the comma indicates a break in the thought, that's fine. But if it's a complete thought "To never hesitate/ to live" the comma is unneeded. You could also center your poem, for visual appeal. Lastly, you might remove "syndrome" from your title. It seems a little limiting, since you're not spending a lot of time on physical complaints.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Zip. Zilch. Nada.

*Star*Things I Like:
Opening with the phone call and the quotation caught my attention. You segued neatly into the second paragraph, with no distractions. I appreciate the nearness of the syllable count in each line. Exactitude isn't necessary. But jumping from five syllables to eleven is disconcerting for a reader, and I'm glad you avoided that. You set a reflective tone here, and I feel it's like a conversation. I can imagine the voice, pauses, and intonation as I read it. Actually, it reminds me of The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost, with the feeling of a conversation. I also liked your use of enjambment in lines like "adding years/ denoted wisdom." Your poem flowed smoothly, and I liked the ideas you used.
I was also tickled by your internal rhyme in stanza three.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed the word "leisured" and the phrase " go oft astray." They are less usual, and encouraged me to think, as did your final couplet. Reading this was a pleasure. Your poem is a gem.



*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
9
9
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi thereScifiwizard. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A parody of Let It Go" explaining why you should investigate CSFS.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your sixth line, you wrote " with no one to confide." I understand the point you're making, but it does read as if you are expecting someone to confide something to you. I'm sure you already know you could write confide in or in which to confide, but it doesn't exactly flow. Just a thought. Line eight was unclear to me. "Be the mature one they all expect today." What point were you trying to make with that line? Why is maturity expected, and who expects it? So far, you haven't mentioned any group of people, so the arrival of "they" in the same line as "the mature one" threw me. How are you immature, anyway, and what does maturity look like. The actual song has they/ them referring to the country's people, but you don't have a backstory. You could try using a term like folks or others, which implies people but not a specific group. You could also replace " mature" with a different term that is more limited, such as stoic. I am only providing an example. Line twenty-five uses "thee," which doesn't match the more modern usage. I know you were going for the rhyme. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
When you wrote " thoughts explodes," you don't need the S on explodes.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed this parody. I like Let It Go" anyway, and it was pleased to find a well-done parody. You've stuck close to the idea behind the song, with the point of doing what you're made for. You are also doing a good job of sticking to the syllable count of the original. I also liked some of the words you used, such as "immersed." You communicate your energy and enthusiasm clearly. You must really like CSFS.*Smile*

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite verse begins:" These tales will lift your spirits right up off the ground."

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
10
10
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, PandaPaws. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A medic rans into a battle, risking himself to save a soldier.

*Star*Something To Think About:
I thought your second line felt off. The idea of an entire unit giving a frown sounds like everyone in the unit frowned at once. The idea of an individual frowning seems more successful. The unit's CO, for example, or the chief medic. Another thing I noticed was at the end of stanza four. You use the term "overgrown boulder." Boulders can't grow, and reading that distracted me. I am a very literal thinker and while I suspect you intended to say that plant life had overgrown the boulder, I didn't see that interpretation at first. If that wasn't your intent, perhaps a word like oversized boulder could work better here.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
if you ever feel like changing the ending, " risking his ass" followed by an ellipses could change the tone to suggest more strongly the continuing of his bravery under fire.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked reading about the medic. They aren't as often celebrated and written about, and I'm glad you decided to honor them this way. I found your poem to be a comfortable read, with no technical terms to distract or confuse me. I usually just want the story, not the type of sniper rifle. I also like that you closed with a line from the first stanza, "The medic runs out, risking his ass!"

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really like the energy in your title.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
11
11
Review of Where Evil Dwells  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there Stephanie. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You encounter a dark and evil presence and turn it away.

*Star*Something To Think About:
You make your point about the evilness of your intruder clearly. I would consider reducing your use of the word evil later in the poem. Unfortunately, I tend to gloss over a portion of writing when it becomes too repetitive. And your poem deserves better. I'm not telling you what to write, but words like foulness, malice, or creature could maintain the idea with less use of the word "evil."

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed your approach to this poem. You speak of darkness and evil and provide a sense of foreboding. I suspected this would be comedy when I spotted multiple exclamation points, and I looked forward to the conclusion. Your opening line hooked me and I had to read on. Words like "stinky" and "scrunched" reinforced this desire. I was also able to relate to this on a personal level. My husband has hung on to boots, too.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I love your last couplet!


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
12
12
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, LostGhost. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Pain fades over time, so just hang on.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In line five, "alters" needs no S. When you write of the autumn leaves, they are objects, things. But you describe sorrow as being alive when you wrote " diluting its own self." To make sorrow a thing, you could write diluted instead. I also feel the word "blow" needs a word like Away to clarify the thought. For example, blow away this. I realize you are using meter in your sonnet, and I'm not trying to harm that. In your closing line, " drive" can also be written as Thrive, if you want to change the meaning at some point. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the tone of your poem. You're recognizing the victim's anguish can't be understood. No platitudes or claiming you understand, just a plan to speak one truth completely. You are saying something that can be expressed as a platitude, such as ' it will get better," or " this, too, shall pass." But you mean what you say, and walk the sufferer through the process with your words. You are supporting him in a way that can capture his attention, a little like you're holding his hand. I also liked your comparison to autumn leaves, and was struck by the word "status" to describe them.

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite line is " The monster eating you will go away."


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
13
13
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Elle.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Admiring birds in God's Own.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your fourth stanza, I noticed you use can't followed by can. For some reason, that struck me as off. I had to reread that until I figured out what bothered me. Perhaps turning "can swim" into swimming could help. In the next line, I thought the word "very" was a disappointment. You use such wonderful language in this poem, vivid and descriptive,and then, "very." Replacing that with something like she's would keep the syllable count, and go with the consonance of that line. Just my opinions.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I loved the opening line. You began with the birds immediately and I enjoyed the alliteration you used. You had me at line one. The language is lively and vivid and helped me imagine the birds, especially the ones with which I am unfamiliar. From words like " cheeky" and " staid," I imagined personalities. The wood pigeon reminded me of an attractive woman, now running to fat, eating chocolates.

*Star* Other Stuff:
In your second stanza, you write that the owl gives a " haunting" call. Since owls are predators, " haunting" made me think also of hunting. So, for me, that line does double duty.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
14
14
Review of September  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there PandaPaws. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
September is the fading of Summer and precursor to winter.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
Your second line puzzled me a bit. I think in literal terms, and the idea that evening could be elusive seemed queer. Doesn't every day have an evening? I feel you are referring to the longer, lighter summer evenings. That is a fine time to be outside, and being inside, in your poem, seems to be a lesser thing. Perhaps something like "evening's light" could help that point. I had a similar problem with line three's "people gather inside" followed by line five's " alone." I thought people were gathering in a group, not singly in separate locations. I envisioned a gathering of people enjoying themselves with light, laughter, and sipping on mugs of tea or hot chocolate. Perhaps you could change gather to something like isolate or becoming hermits. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea of writing about September. That month seems like a pause in time for me. Vacations end, school begins, and people exhale a bit. Your thoughts about September are clear. Words like "wanes" and "elusive" convey your point well. I like mirror acrostics and your acrostic is an enjoyable read. It made me think about autumn, and how I feel about approaching colder weather.

*Star* Other Stuff:
your poem made me examine the pleasures of colder weather, though I doubt that was your intent.*Smile*


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
15
15
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, SummerWind.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You are searching for your missing keys at the movie theater.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I can't find anything that needs work, so I'm going to say what crossed my mind after reading it. This is a great poem and I would like to hear more about your search. After all, theater floors are sticky with spilled soda, bumpy with popcorn kernels, littered with half finished drinks. At some point the floor may have acquired A smell that isn't bad when you're sitting in a seat, but up close---eww. I also wondered how your second-to-last line might sound if you added another adjective. "I stood to my feet with a cough, moan, and sneeze," for example. Oh, and on a similar note, if you want to add a little immediacy to your poem, you can start "Last Friday night." And maybe change "all the rows" to every row. I sometimes think about how it sounds when read out loud, and that's why I mention this. But I don't see any problems.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
This is funny. I can imagine myself in your place, crawling around on that floor. Words like Frantic and Panic give me a clearer idea of your state of mind. This is an enjoyable poem and I could strongly relate to the problem. A movie theater is a bad place to have problems anyway, but losing your keys! That can be a disaster. I really liked the way you paired "giggling" with "dangling" in your last line. Your poem made me smile.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really liked your final line " My giggling husband was dangling my keys." It's a whimsy of mine that you could write a companion piece called something like how not to strangle your husband. Five stars!


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
16
16
Review of Love is...  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Andi. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The cycle of love in your life,

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I am confused about something in your first stanza. You use contrast and it makes sense in most places, but I'm unclear as to how " exciting -igniting" can reunite a split soul. Maybe it's just me, but I find anything that noticeably distracts me from the poem makes it harder for me to pay attention to what is written. I don't see all the writer is trying to convey, and the writer lacks my full attention. It seems like a lose-lose situation for both.

You use the word my frequently. That may be deliberate repetition. If so,terrific. But if that isn't deliberate, you may want to reword some of those sentences. You establish that you are the subject in the first stanza twice,so the reader doesn't need reminding after that. You could alter "my life" to something like ' life has," for example. This is all just my opinion.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I see nothing here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed the alternating two word lines. "electric-dialectic" captured my attention and made me want to read more. The word combinations you used and the hyphen between the two attracted my attention. A word like "exciting" gets your point across, but also opens a mental door for your reader. I have my ideas and experiences that make up what I define as excitement, so I will feel that personal connection when I read the word. You make your words count. The pattern of a descriptive line followed by the action or result made the most of every word.

*Star* Other Stuff:
In lines eleven and thirteen, the rhyme of Delete and Complete seemed powerful to me. I realized that you have not only combined the words in a climactic way, but the long E sound only appears in these two words and makes them stand out.
I'm glad I read this.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
17
17
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi YellowRose.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Trying to survive pain and break through to the other side.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
It seems to me that most of your stanzas mention something temporary, like a walk or a visit. In your second stanza you write " You can escape back" which presents a different slant. To me, escape is permanent. You may be confused, but you have accomplished this. The accomplishment is final. To then write about other methods of dealing with pain does not fit the idea in stanza two. If you wrote something like "Try to escape," the ideas would, in my opinion, mesh better than they do now.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In stanza four, you have the word pretending. The -ing verbs read better if they match each other. In other words, consider visit/pretend or visiting/ pretending. Changing breathe is optional, but it might sound nice.*Smile* I think you intended to use lose with one O instead of loose with two O's in that last stanza.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the idea behind the poem. This seems to be a personal pain where at least some of the anguish is psychological. You suggest many attempts to leave it behind but none really succeed, because you can't leave yourself behind. I can feel an actual human suffering behind your words, not simply ideas. The desire to escape our problems is a desire most people have, and you convey that well.

*Star* Other Stuff:
If you haven't read this poem out loud, you may consider that. My favorite line is the last one " Or you can fight for yourself in that hard rain.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
18
18
Review of The Good/Bad Day  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi Tina.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Young Candice is having a bad day; her plans have gone awry.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I would like a little more physical description of Candice to make her seem more real. As a reader, details like a long ponytail or auburn hair or striped socks make it easier for me to picture Candice. If I can picture her I get more pleasure from reading the story. That's my take on it, anyway.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't know if "whisp" is an alternate spelling of the word, but I've always used "wisp" without the H. There seems to be a comma missing after "calm down," too.

*Star*Things I Like:
Candice is such a drama queen! She certainly doesn't like to be thwarted, does she? Her aggrieved attitude is funny, especially as she takes this so seriously.
You do a wonderful job of conveying her angst over the uncooperative weather. The tragic, tortured state of Candice's mind is very true to life. Nicely done. I also get the impression that her mom has had these encounters with her daughter before and now uses a "be calm and let her vent" strategy. This is a very funny read.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really liked Candice's final wail of anguish. "Why does it have to be so beautiful this week? Why?"


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
19
19
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Sara.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The beauty of frost on an autumn garden.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
The mention of the vine turning brown by midday is a good image, but it might be better to put that later in the poem. It seemed abrupt to go from pink, green, and orange to the brown of death. I think that you are writing about the final colors fading as frost arrives and autumn becomes winter. You might consider omitting brown as a word, and substitute a term such as "coffee-colored."

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Is the period at the end of your third line intentional, or did you plan to put a comma there?

*Star*Things I Like:
Your description is wonderful. The opening line drew me in immediately, and made me want to read more. Using a garden to show the twilight of the year is beautifully done. You made me see the garden, not just read about it. I had a sense of not ending but winding down. The colors are almost gone and winter wants to arrive. For now, however, there is a quiet, serene beauty to the scene outside.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I usually put a favorite line or word here, but what you have written is excellent. I cannot single out one thing as a favorite, since it is all so good. I'm glad I read this poem.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
20
20
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there Jeff-I'-Lantern.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2*
and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:{/b
the excitement and pleasure of going skiing.


*Star*Things that Might Make It Better:
. I see in line two you wrote "Skiers delight." That is more general than what you wrote later about a specific person and his choices. You could put the letter A at the beginning of that line; that doesn't infer this is about skiers as a group. Alternatively, you could change your pronoun in that sentence, perhaps to "my" or "his." Just a thought.

*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
nothing here


*Star*Things I Like:
using the word " powder" in your first line is an excellent choice. Few people other than skiers refer to snow this way, so it sets you it the idea of skiing quickly. Your first stanza captures the feelings skiers have toward going up the mountain with phrases such as "top of the world" and "wind swirled." Actually, I'm reminded of the line from the movie TITANIC "I'm the king of the world!"

*Star*Other Stuff:
My favorite line was the last one, "Did that sign say this was a Black Diamond?"



*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!Whiskerface*Cat2*





21
21
Review of She Hurried  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there Shana-Batgirl-Allen. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A woman, anxious to finish a task and not get caught, hurries.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
In your third paragraph you could turn your first sentence into two separate sentences. That might flow better. Because the activity isn't described, you use the word "it" frequently. This can be a bit hard to follow in a lengthier sentence. I noticed in paragraph two that you character "moved left to right." You may want to make that "moved from" instead. Was she actually moving herself left to right, or her arm? Also, you could talk about her having a rhythm as she worked. I felt naming your character might be useful to break up the use of pronouns. For example, " Irene knew that she had to finish" eliminates a pronoun and gives your reader a more definite notion of who she is. I personally imagine a character more clearly if I have a name for that individual. Mentally, for me, Phillippa, Martha, or Harriet are very different people.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In paragraph three, your first sentence needs a comma before "even though."

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked your character. She was determined to get this done, no matter what. It was crucial. What is she doing? Why must she be alone? What drives her? This story generated a lot of questions for me, and I wanted to see them answered. This drove me to keep reading. Your first sentence hooked me, and the story didn't disappoint. The opening sentence could work for several different genres, such as Horror or Mystery, so I needed to see where it would take me.

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite line is "You could hear the scraping in the silence of the room."


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
22
22
Review of The Poetry Police  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there Liam. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Your approval of the new Poetry Police, since they will reduce the amount of "free" poetry out there.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
in stanza one, you use the term "guard our vocabulary." It seems more of a protective idea than a corrective one. Homes and people are guarded. You are writing about improving the quality of writing, and I'm not sure that idea meshes as well as it could. You may want to rethink the word guard.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoy your use of words in this poem. Constabulary, elocution, metaphor, and oxymoron are vivid, and they kept my attention throughout. Putting the word "nary" in stanza four is a nice touch,too. That is an older word and you are advocating a return to what some would consider older ways. I know you write following poetic forms, so I saw that stanza two does not appear to follow the abab pattern of the other stanzas. If that is deliberate, it adds not only to your point, but to the humor of this piece. The pattern of content attracted my attention. Stanzas one and two are about the Poetry Police, stanzas three and four about attitudes--- emotional free verse good, structured bad. Five and six about your downheartedness with the reduction of things like metaphor, hyperbole, and oxymorons. You approve of these Poetry Police so much you think they need a raise. Stanza seven finishes with advice to aspiring poets.
I found this funny, especially with "confusing commotion" and "legal complication."

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite line is "My ear longs to hear one more good metaphor."


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
23
23
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Charlie. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
conversations with family wanting you and your wife to have kids.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
you may want to rework your opening. The first two sentences don't connect clearly to the subject of the conversations. Perhaps a mention of your relationship with your wife can help here. A remark about it being great to marry someone you can agree on things with, for example. That would provide contrast with the conversations with people who aren't on the same page with you both. It could also set up the idea that you are agreed on your decision. Maybe your father-in-law caught you off guard with his remark about a grandson because you were so in accord with his daughter you were blindsided. Anyway, those are my thoughts there.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like that you wrote on this subject. Family relationships can be varied, and when you combine it with the pressure to have children you relate in your case, comical. I also thought the way you headed each conversation with a relationship added to the humor. It set up an anticipation, since different family members will use different approaches. It made it easier for me to imagine the scene with each person. I also liked the order you used. That made the essay flow well. Also, words like sputtered and human fountain, again, made it easier to picture.

*Star* Other Stuff:
It's a tough choice, but my favorite line is "Okay, Mom. Give me nine months."

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
24
24
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there.My name is Whiskerface*Cat2*
and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:{/b
a mouse tries to escape a house, putting himself in peril to do so.


*Star*Things that Might Make It Better:
I think your mouse needs a name. The repetition of "the mouse" doesn't engage the reader in the same way as writing about Slugger or Manfred or Swiftfoot does. Also, if you give the mouse a name, it will be easier to switch between the name and the pronouns. "Marty thought he was safe, but his tail was shaking." A little background could help this story, too. "Scrabble wished he'd never fallen in that window" for instance. Knowing how the mouse got trapped in there makes his escape more interesting. Maybe he wasn't paying attention and to escape he has to concentrate. Maybe he's fast and thought he could get away from the house quickly. Now he can use that speed to escape.

Since the cat is mentioned several times, I think a little description early on is worthwhile. Perhaps the big cat or the tomcat would work. Or the big, ugly cat---after all, the mouse is hardly going to be flattering.*Smile* how old a child are you writing for? Stating that the mouse would surely die may be too blunt for a younger audience. Saying it was dangerous may be better here. Your sentence "The cat, however, had other ideas" seems unnecessary. A little rewording will eliminate that. You may want a little action with the girl, like "She screamed and backed away/ran off" the second time you mention her. You wrote "the mouse was lucky though." Several sentences later, another sentence uses though. Putting them close together may not serve you well. Maybe you could reword that. Your sentence beginning "the rain gutter was..." has four ands in it. You can break that into two sentences. A comma in there can help, too.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing I can really see.


*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea you have about the escaping mouse. Your mouse is brave, determined, and smart. The struggles you have him encounter are believable, and I enjoyed the strength of his desire to be free. You used good, interesting words here, especially the verbs. Swooped, scurried, and scanned are examples of this. The ending was satisfying, and the detail with him gulping is vivid.

*Star*Other Stuff:
my favorite sentence was "The cat was there, yellow and fierce and mean."



*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!Whiskerface*Cat2*





25
25
Review of THE BOTTLE  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Nhlanhla

My name is Whiskerface and I am a member of the Showering Acts of Joy review group. After reading your piece, here's what I have to say.

I am going to refer to this character as"you." Since she doesn't have a name, that makes it easier for me. It doesn't mean I think it is you, I just find it shorter than saying "your main character" over and over. What can I say, I'm lazy.*Sleep*

I think the main point is the many struggles you faced, and how you tucked yourself into a little bottle, then had trouble getting out again.

You have a lot to say here. While you have experienced a lot, you have not explained everything clearly, so it is hard for the reader to follow. For example, in paragraph three, you write "Things got going, the girl grew up," but you don't explain what that means. Did your mother get a different job, for example, or did you get old enough to understand what was going on around you? When you write that you grew up, did you mean a certain age? I think of grew up as a particular age, so I was confused when you started going through your experiences chronologically. If you are talking about growing up over time, simply putting the word as in front of "the girl grew up," will fix that. You also talk about the feeling that drove you into the bottle. Was the feeling fear? Pain? Loneliness? A mixture of feelings? Also, what is the bottle? You may consider it a place to hide, or a bottle you can't get out of, or somewhere to put your feelings. Some thing like" I started feeling lonely and afraid, and wanted a place to hide" is something you could put here. Why did you switch day care because of school fees? How far from home was your school? Did your school offer beatings?

When writing, questions really help shape your writing. Who, what, when, where, why, and how are helpful when looking over your writing. An example is your first sentence, when you answer four of these questions. This gives your reader enough information that he can keep following your story. Once you get this idea clearly in your mind, start thinking about your next group of questions. Those can be things like am I clear, does my reader have enough information, do I need detail. Often, I have to remind myself that just because I know what I'm talking about, doesn't mean people will understand it without some help. I honestly think if you look at your third paragraph and ask these questions, you will be able to see what I mean.

Please don't think I don't like what you've written. You have brought up a lot of things I needed to think about. I just feel that if you can look at one paragraph and ask these questions, you can get a better idea of how to look at every paragraph. This is a compelling subject and expressing it clearly will encourage people to read it. Many people can relate to struggling and to being afraid or hiding. I certainly can.

A few suggestions here. Give your character a name. It is hard to connect with a person who doesn't have a name. Use ages or years to help explain how much time has passed. When did you start kindergarten or high school? Some of your longer sentences could be made into shorter ones. If you have a lot of ideas in a sentence, make it into more than one sentence.

I am amazed by this story. You never gave up hope, even when it was hard to keep going. I want you to get out of this bottle and show us more of your writing, more of your talent, more of your perseverance. Your story ought to be told. If you edit this, I will read it again.

Finally, I need to tell you that when I review, I asks lot of questions. I DO NOT expect you to answer them. This is my way of thinking, and I don't expect you to tell me anything. This is all my opinion, nothing more. Take or leave anything you like. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I think you are very courageous! Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*

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