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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whiskerface
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146 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A few random thoughts:

If a man is relying on his second brain, that means he’s first one isn’t working. A man’s body only has enough blood to run one or the other. If he’s using his “southern” brain, it means the northern one is not fully functioning.

My father was a plasterer with four daughters. He never thought we were incapable. He certainly wasn’t shy about having us haul ladders or cinder blocks around, or climb ladders to bring him tea. He never told us we couldn’t do it or that it was men’s work.

Mum was the wallpaper queen, and they reupholstered together, painted together, and so on.

So, maybe your character has some other home repair skills that aren’t plumbing. Perhaps that’s why she’s sure she can tackle this plumbing problem. Her skills might be good enough to permit her to instruct others. If she’s teaching carpentry or plastering at a local school, she has a mental edge over her boss. Perhaps she can talk to her coworkers about teaching them what she knows. Then she can approach her boss. Tell him that she thought about what he said and agrees that home repair can be hard for women. Let him get smug and comfortable.

Then, all the women taking the class would eventually start discussing the class over lunch and in the break room. Amongst themselves. Let them discuss things that only “men” talk about, like where to find superior lumber or the better manufacturers of lesser used tools. If the meat head boss tries to talk down to them, they can ask for his opinion. Discussing the technical specs of Dewalt over Black&Decker might not be something he’s up for. But they are. Perhaps his wife or daughters might take the class, too.

You might consider the phrase, “How hard can it be? Men do it.”

Alternatively, you might have her conclude she does need an expert to repair the toilet. The expert would be her mom, sorority sister, best friend, or someone in her book group. In fact, they might have a barter system amongst the women. I fix your toilet, you teach my daughter-in-law and son how to drywall, we combine skills to help Heather with laying Saltillo tile. All this time, she had the resources, just wanted to do it herself.

In fact, she might have female coworkers as part of this anyway. One of them could ask her, ”Why didn’t you call me? You know I’m in the network.” She might even volunteer her daughter as an assistant to one or more of the other women. There might be other women outside the network who can call upon the expertise of these women. What about the manager’s wife? Perhaps she tapped Janice and Elinor to fix their deck. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Maybe his wife finds out what happens, and decides his second brain can be safely ignored, since he needs it for the hefty business of home repair.

Basically, something that can or might turn the tables on the boss, preferably with him being ignorant and finding out later that he’s been one-upped. But not in front of everyone—-a private comeuppance that still puts him in his place. And the small, unspoken threat that someone might discover the situation. He’d never bug her about it like that again.

Anyway, that’s what I have. And, yeah, I’d change the title. Great story. Keep writing. Whiskerface*Cat2* *Hammer* *Screw*
2
2
Review of Jessica Strong  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, this is whiskerface, and I’m here to review "Invalid Item. This review is only my opinion; so feel free to discard or ignore anything here.🙂

I had difficulty reading your chapter because of the layout. The sentences consistently ran across the page in an entire line to half line pattern. This distracts the reader and makes your work seem choppy. The narrow layout of the page makes this worse. I suggest you reformat to a wider page and give your sentences the space they need to be a smoother read. Anything that distracts the reader is a problem, so keep that in mind when you edit.

There are problems with grammar and punctuation. In your opening sentence, you wrote “At least a hundred bullet is headed for Jessica”.
Bullet is plural, so add the letter s. Since it’s a plural, use are for the verb. Use the word is for the singular. If you wrote “A bullet is heading for Jessica,” there would be no problem. By announcing the number 100, you’ve announced it is plural. This is an easy fix. There are a number of problems like a period being where a comma should belong, so read through for errors in spelling, punctuation, and usage.

The phrase “professional killers” needs no capitals. Usually, names and specific titles require capitals. Professional killers is neither. Also, you use this phrase repeatedly. Vary your descriptions. Are they thugs or goons? Hired muscle? Are they ex-military or former criminals eager for housing, food, and no desire to go straight? Another approach is writing several lines describing them. For example:

The squad leaders were...
Highly trained, intelligent, fixated, mentally imbalanced, wearing body armor, untiring

The squads were composed of...
Ex criminals, homeless people, anyone willing to kill, abducted college students, a mixed bag of dangerous folk, desperate people, folks with terminal illnesses

Jessica knew...

They despised her, they were cannon fodder, the older ones pushed the newbies to the front, they weren’t aware of her skills, enough of them would wear her down

So, sticking in a more detailed paragraph of what Jessica faced will save a lot of repetition later.

Your writing is wordy and repetitive. You restate points about people are trying to kill Jessica, Jessica fights back, these people are professional killers who plan to kill Jessica but she fights back, she kills them, she kills more of them, and so on. Don’t beat a point into the ground. Let your readers do the work of making connections. State something to your audience, then back it up with action. Have Jessica pull a gun to reinforce the idea that she’s fighting back. Show what’s happening instead of only telling. Use vivid, sensory language. There are resources that assist with this. One is:


https://jerichowriters.com/show-dont-tell/

Your overuse “to be” verb forms. Go reread your first few paragraphs and count how many of these you included. Avoid overusing words in general, and employ specific words for a clearer point. Laughed is vague. Giggled, hooted, barked, cackled, shook are more precise. Use a thesaurus.

No reader wants every thought, question, or decision laid out for them. Stick to the major points and decrease unneeded interior monologues. Don’t describe every room or every decision or every time Jessica reloads. That becomes annoying and turns off your reader. I found myself skipping large chunks of the story because it felt like more of what I’d read before.

You have too many adverbs. Adverbs water down writing. Be brutal. Excise all you can. Turn mumbles softly into murmuring. Make silently into noiseless.

Make Jessica human, not superhuman. No one can fight without sweating, bleeding, turning down a blind alley. Give her a limp. Let her dehydrate. Give the bad guys something positive, like knowing the layout of the building better, or where the weapons caches are. Let her feel fear or frustration. Jessica can have memory lapses, pain from old injuries, or other problems to overcome.

Write a believable situation. You have sentences and paragraphs that say Jessica won’t kill them but will kill them. That’s nonsensical. Jessica killing men, then disarming them, then checking to see if they’re dead is pointless. Either she knows what she’s doing or she doesn’t. Anyone still alive would have killed Jessica while he was still armed.

If you are going to write about guns, know something about them. Automatic weapons are machine guns. You pull the trigger once and it keeps firing. Just about everything else is a semiautomatic, with one pull of the trigger delivering one shot fired. Name your weapons and know the features available with them. This applies to other situations. Never have a truck when you can have a Toyota Tundra. Don’t talk about ice cream but Raspberry Ripple.

A few last thoughts. Decide what needs to be said, then figure out what isn’t necessary. Write only what you need to make the point. Remember, you’re planning a series of books. You can add to Jessica’s story in other novels. Vary your sentence lengths. A four word sentence may communicate an idea more successfully. “ He stopped short.” It also keeps the reader reading. Anything that makes the reader distracted or unwilling to keep reading is a problem.

As I said before, this is my opinion. I hope I helped. This is a great idea for a novel. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*










*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Bruce!

I read your poem when it was shorter, and I’m glad you lengthened it. It’s better for me if I can get some more writing to fill things in. You seem *ahem* underwhelmed by Theresa May, and the comparison between her and Margaret Thatcher is a good one.

I do wonder if your final sentences are a commentary/explanation for your readers or part of the poem. But the feeling you wrote this with is strong. I enjoyed it. Whiskers*Cat2*
4
4
Review of Ten Loves to One  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Bookstack3*Hi there,mJenny. My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You have had many loves, but remained faithful to one---writing.


*Star*Something To Think About

In your third stanza, you write "as my mind began to tarnish." I initially took that to mean your creativity was failing you, or your skills were getting rusty b cause you were caught up in other things. Since you remain consistent throughout the poem with never abandoning writing, you may want to rethink that line.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
You have line endings that could take a punctuation mark, such as a semicolon, comma, or period. (Yes, I AM a fan of the Oxford comma. It's an American grammar thing.) Without them, it reminds me of a run-on sentence.


*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind the poem. The idea of writing about your other loves and contrasting them with writing seemed fresh. Your title made me think this was going to be more about personal romance, so I was surprised and delighted with this poem. Your poem is also accessible. No complicated forms, no long words, no sky-high concepts. This poem is personal and it reads that way. You add lighter touches, such as the phrase " men got in the way." I could imagine the stages you experienced through the use of words like discotheque and nail varnish.


*Star*Other Stuff:
I'd end with my favorite line, but there are several. One is the couplet, "But my first love; it was writing/And I thought I'd write forever."



*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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5
5
Review of I wished  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Bookstack3*Hi there, Lefty. My name is Whiskerface*Cat2* and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Recalling the beginning and growth of your love story.


*Star*Something To Think About

You may use more words than you need to. The fewer words you employ, the easier it is to read. For example, a sentence reading " I looked up at the sky" can be expressed " I looked skyward." An example of this in your story is the first sentence of paragraph three. " I went back home the next day without knowing exactly when I would see you again. " You could rewrite that to something more like " I went home, not knowing when I would see you again." Remember, you are writing this for your partner, someone who knows it was the next day. To avoid unneeded words, try asking yourself what the point of the sentence is. Then ask yourself if every word is necessary. What would you say to a sentence like this? " At the request of my best girlfriend Muriel, someone I had known since sixth grade, who had seen me through two weddings, one divorce, six moves, and the unexpected death of my beloved Labrador Toto, I went shoe shopping." Yeah, okay, it's an extreme example, but I hope you get my point.

There are a few places where you're missing connecting words. "I was failing high school,and I had lost all of my friends." " But we got through it, because you shone the brightest in those dark times." Basically, avoid distracting the reader.


*Star*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Only use a semicolon to separate what can be two complete sentences. Your second sentence in paragraph one won't take a semicolon because it can't break into separate sentences. When possible, eliminate helping verbs. They can water down your writing. "My mother had left," " My father had to work worked" are examples. The phrase "spare time to kill" is repetitive. Use one phrase or the other.


*Star*Things I Like:
I like the emotion that appears throughout the story. You obviously love your partner with a deep and abiding love, and it shows clearly in your writing. You make a genuine effort to use colorful language, such as " sugar sweet collage of sunstruck images." It's also a good use of alliteration, and that sentence captured my attention. You also have a lot of specific words: piqued, traipsed, and consumed for verbs, and veritable and infinite as adjectives. Nice work.


*Star*Other Stuff:
You have the makings of a great story here. If you edit it, I will review it again. One final note: I wondered( I wonder about lots of stuff---it's a disease) how your story would read if you began with the kiss. Just a thought.



*Exclaimv*Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*



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6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angus

Since you are only asking for feedback on that final line, i would omit it. Your focus is on Tiffany and Angus, and putting the owl in as the conclusion is jarring. I spoils the tenderness evoked by their final togetherness.

Let me say, Putting your query at the end of your story is brilliant. Even if you ask for a specific answer on the Please Review forum, you won't always get it. Also, any reviewers who stumble across this piece can address this question. Good story. Keep writing! Whiskerface*Cat2*
7
7
Rated: E | (3.0)
Here's my donation, Fran. Thank you so much for doing this; the Story Family are mt friends, too. Whiskerface*Cat2* *Heart*
8
8
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Umbrellav* Hi there, Jeannie. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The strength and courage shown by Johnathon with his fatal illness.

*Star*Something To Think About:
It may help your reader to include more detail about Neimann-Pick disease. Perhaps you could add some information in the section where he was six. The doctor could be using words that had no meaning for him, like jaundice and enlarged spleen. He could remember those words as well as the name of the disease.
Age eight seems young to keep all his emotion inside. Maybe he could cry at night more often, or have bad dreams. I also wondered if he was able to research Neimann-Pick or if he learned by living with it. You might want to put Johnathan's name in the story more often to engage your reader. I'd like to know how old Johnathon is at his death.


*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In paragraph two, you don't need an ellipsis mark. Also in that paragraph, " cannot" ought to be could not to keep with past tense. The word "Mommy" needs a capital because it's being used as a name.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind this story. Writing about a progressive and fatal illness from the viewpoint of a child suffering with it got my attention. Johnathon displayed great courage and determination. He made decisions with unusual maturity. Choosing to keep his emotions inside and starting projects are two examples. You refused to make him into Tiny Tim crying "God bless us, everyone!" Instead, Johnathon wrote a great deal of his suffering in his journal. He painted pictures of what pain looked like and felt alive when he suffered the pain.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed reading about the different projects Johnathon pursued. It helped me see and understand him more easily,


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
9
9
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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*Umbrellav* Hi there, Dogpack. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
How you and Shady came to know each other. How loving and devoted Shady was.

*Star*Something To Think About:
OK, first the picky bits. In line three, it needs the word "you," not "your." In line six, either make that two short sentences, or place a connecting word like "and" after the comma. Your sentences beginning "devoted" and "distressed" lack a subject.

You seem to have a lot to say about Shady. Since you wrote this line-by-line instead of as a paragraph, I assumed it was a poem. I lose concentration when reading a lot of long lines and I start to skim. I would suggest writing shorter lines to keep the reader from becoming distracted by the layout of your piece. You can sometimes shorten an existing sentence by breaking it into two. For example, turning " You were afraid, uncertain, insecure" into its own sentence by inserting the word "and" after "uncertain." There are also instances where you repeat an idea. When you wrote "I kept...space," you are stating the same idea, I think. If you keep your distance, won't that provide space? You reinforce the idea when you write about drawing closer in the next sentence. If you have a choice of words or phrases, and you want to, choose the stronger term. I really liked seeing the word "glee." It conjures up an image. Specific words are valuable, I think, because they provide a clearer image to your reader. A few details about Shady might help, too. Did Shady always greet you with a bark when you came home? Did you play games together? Was Shady active or a lazybones? Did Shady snore or woof in his sleep?(Our dog did.)

I have a few ideas about the layout. You have some wonderful short sentences here! Actually, either one of your first two lines would be a good title. If you want this to be a poem, breaking it into segments that start with a short sentence is one approach. Lines like "When I met you," "Our hearts joined immediately," and "I cherish your friendship" can each open a segment of the poem. Following that with other sentences that expand upon the idea is a possibility. You could reorder some of your sentences to connect ideas. Swapping " I would have" with "extremely happy" is one example. You describe Shady as loving, sweet, and affectionate, so using concrete examples seems necessary to me. Perhaps Shady was affectionate when he lay his head on your feet as you sat writing. Shady could have been companionable by watching tv with you. You could even make this simply about each quality Shady possessed. I can't recommend a poetry form for you. Shadowpoetry.com is a good resource for form poems. Oh, and absolutely center this. Show it off to capture people's attention! Use formatting tools like color and divider-type emoticons to set it off.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Be consistent with capitalization and periods at the end of your sentences.

*Star*Things I Like:
I loved reading about Shady. Shady seems to be unique and perfectly suited to you. I could feel the emotion in your writing, and got the impression that you had trouble finding adequate words to express yourself. Shady touched a part of you that is difficult to describe, and your writing shows that.I actually think you have so much to say that containing it in one piece of writing is inadequate. You can probably write multiple things about Shady. As I said before, you have beautiful short sentences in here, and that makes a good break from the longer ones. They work especially well at transition points, such as "Our hearts joined immediately." That sentence perfectly describes your connection with Shady. Keep it, please.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I am not trying to attack your work. These are mere suggestions. You might consider finding a thesaurus to provide you with alternate words. If you edit this, I will review it again.

One of my favorite lines is "I cherish our friendship."

Lastly, be aware that while I ask a lot of questions, I do not expect answers! This is just my reviewing style.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
10
10
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Sondra. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Life is better with you there.

*Star*Something To Think About:
You don't want this poem to sound romantic. You need to figure out a more precise way to get your idea across. Who is the person doing the speaking?
Who is the listener? Your reader is approaching this from the outside, and doesn't have enough information to reach beyond the conclusion this is a romance poem. An example: there's no bad weather/ when we're together/ but I wag and bark/ when we're at the park. As it's written, your poem could be from a doggie viewpoint, but there's nothing to suggest that to the reader. The couplet I tossed in there offers the detail to let people know the speaker is a dog. I think you need to get a clearer idea of who the two people are in order to change this. Here are a few ideas I have; just my thoughts. What is the relationship between the two characters? There are many possibilities here. Master and servant, parent and child, lovers, siblings and other relationships are a few ideas. If you define the connection between the two, that can shed light on how to proceed.

Who are these people? If you can flesh them out in your head, Sondra, adding detail may be simpler. Is this a pair of equals, or is this a situation where one has the upper hand? Maybe the speaker is desperate, and the listener is indifferent. The speaker, alternately, could be reassuring the listener, or simply speaking the words he or she wants to hear. Where are they? This poem could be about a current separation, where one awaits the other's return. The place doesn't have to be a physical location, either. Perhaps they're not on the same page right now, and that's creating distance between them. This could be a lament for an earlier time, when they were closer in thought/speech/interests.
I can't tell you what to do with your poem, but I have some thoughts. Since it's not obvious what this is about, you can play with different ideas. Explore the differences by comparing who it could be. This could be someone speaking to a mirror or a worshipper speaking to God. What about a patient and caregiver being the people in the poem? How would it differ in meaning if you used different characters for the same words? Sondra, you could write another version of this poem, and don't put any brakes on what you write. Don't limit yourself to flow, word count, syllable count, or any other restraint. Yank everything out of your head and make it into text! I think this can give you an opportunity to say those things you didn't put down at 1:30 a.m. Then you might be able to better express your idea.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
You don't need a comma in your first line.

*Star*Things I Like:
Your poem packs a punch. By making your poem brief, you make every line count. The simplicity of your language puts the focus on your point, and the sincerity of your feelings comes across well. I feel as if these two having a longstanding relationship that has gone through much. The lack of extremes and the relaxed attitude of the speaker remind me of how my husband and I speak to each other, so I find it easy to relate to. The rhyming couplets suit the simpler nature of the poem.

*Star* Other Stuff:
You might seek out an online dictionary/thesaurus if you are having trouble with word choice. That can help you find a more specific term to help define your thoughts. If you edit this, I will review it again, if you like.
Note: I ask a lot of questions when I review. I do not expect answers! This is just my reviewing style.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
11
11
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Aqua. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A dying man spends the last of his time with his delightful little daughter.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your opening, you use the name "Mr. Ralph." I actually thought you meant that as a first name at first. Pat, with SAJ, sometimes answers to Miss Pat, for example. You may reconsider that last name. In your opening sentence, you wrote about the "symphony" of the heart rate monitor. That word suggests a number of different sounds coming together. Typically, the heart-rate monitor makes only one or two sounds. If Mr. Ralph's heart is in such a bad condition that the noises the machine makes are multiplied, then there's no problem with that. I'm only familiar with the flatline sound and the ordinary sounds of the monitor. But if you're not referring to a uncommon sound, then I would change "symphony" to something else, like pulse. Or, you could combine several sounds, such as the monitor, the faint voices, and the opening door to create a symphony.

I noticed that you opened paragraph ten with "Much better." The remainder of the paragraph described the hospital room in detail. Your description made the room sound impersonal; sterile. The next paragraph begins with Peter sighing at the thought. If you are referring to his thought in the previous paragraph, the detailed description creates a new line of thought completely, and can cause the reader to miss the connection between the two opening sentences. If Peter is sighing because of the room, you may want to say at the sight, not at the thought.

In paragraph twelve, the final sentence seems unfinished. You could finish the sentence by using a word like anything or a word. New Years Eve is January 31st, but your story places it on January 30th, since Peter gets out of the hospital on the 29th. New Years Day has a delivery being made to the house. This seems unlikely to me, because it is a holiday. One other thing: you can replace the phrase "non-tedious" with something more specific, like lively.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
When you describe Carla, you need hyphens in "twenty-year-old." Since you're using "twenty-year-old" to describe Carla, you need to place a comma after the word "sister."

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind your story. Instead of focusing on the sadness, Peter takes definite steps to be with Lily. He's not a quitter and refuses to languish in the hospital when he could spend his remaining time with Lily. There's nothing wrong with his mind or spirit. He could pressure Lily into doing what he wants with the time he has left, but Peter only wants Lily to be happy. That's why he bought a Happy Meal for her, and watched two hours of Dora, and let her listen to it when he wanted to talk.

Peter's approach to telling Lily showed wisdom and strength of character, and underscored the places in your story that also have Peter display these traits. Exchanging the idea of death and dying with being in Heaven strikes just the right note for his explanation. Hanging the jar to help her remember him is a beautiful idea. Lily needs something real and making the jar to hang provides her with something tangible while engaging her imagination. I can see the love between these two clearly in both words and actions.

You made great use of alliteration in phrases like " people's problems," ans assonance, such as "eyes explores his as if expressing." I also like dialogue in a story, so I enjoyed discovering these characters through the conversations.

Your description is clever and detailed, such as in paragraph ten's description of the hospital room. I could see the room, not just read about it.

*Star* Other Stuff:
You did a wonderful job of making these characters real. They are memorable.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
12
12
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Signature for Team Lornda




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Ken. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The changes aging brings, physical and philosophical.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your first stanza, line two, you might change "said" to asked. It's a bit more specific. I am uncertain what you intended with your final two lines. If the comma indicates a break in the thought, that's fine. But if it's a complete thought "To never hesitate/ to live" the comma is unneeded. You could also center your poem, for visual appeal. Lastly, you might remove "syndrome" from your title. It seems a little limiting, since you're not spending a lot of time on physical complaints.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Zip. Zilch. Nada.

*Star*Things I Like:
Opening with the phone call and the quotation caught my attention. You segued neatly into the second paragraph, with no distractions. I appreciate the nearness of the syllable count in each line. Exactitude isn't necessary. But jumping from five syllables to eleven is disconcerting for a reader, and I'm glad you avoided that. You set a reflective tone here, and I feel it's like a conversation. I can imagine the voice, pauses, and intonation as I read it. Actually, it reminds me of The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost, with the feeling of a conversation. I also liked your use of enjambment in lines like "adding years/ denoted wisdom." Your poem flowed smoothly, and I liked the ideas you used.
I was also tickled by your internal rhyme in stanza three.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed the word "leisured" and the phrase " go oft astray." They are less usual, and encouraged me to think, as did your final couplet. Reading this was a pleasure. Your poem is a gem.



*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
13
13
Review of Grandson  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi, BillieGail. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A proud grandma's description of her grandson.

*Star*Something To Think About:
I think that in the third line of your first stanza, replacing the word "toy" with something more specific. Perhaps something like Duplo or ball; it could add to the description. I noticed you used the word "little" a good bit. If that's deliberate, fine. But I tend to skim if I see a word used too often, and the word " little" occurs six times. You could use synonyms, such as tiny or small, or use other descriptive words, such as energetic, bubbly, curious, or bold. In stanza two, if you plan to read this to children, you might want to reconsider the phrase " you do wiggle." I feel it's not as good a fit with the child-friendly tone of this poem. Also, using the word I instead of "you" might be better, since it's from your viewpoint. Just a thought.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In the third line of the first stanza, the comma is misplaced. I'm forever reminding myself it's word, space, comma, space, word.

*Star*Things I Like:
This is a fun poem to read. I felt some of your love for him in your words, and a great deal of your joy and pleasure. It was lovely to read something so genuine as a grandma's love for her grandson. Using words like " wiggle" and "giggle" helped me get into the childlike joy of your poem, and I felt that having him around was almost returning you to a more innocent, carefree place in your life.

*Star* Other Stuff:
You list this poem as Other in your heading. I would update that to something else. Like Children, Family, or Personal.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
14
14
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Calvin. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Noah's flood is the first purge, not the only one.

*Star*Something To Think About:
At first, I missed the point of the line "Noah lacks the prudence." I think it's because I was focused on the flood, and not on events later in Noah's life. I'm assuming you're writing about Noah getting drunk and Ham's behavior towards his father at that point. Not as many people know about that part of Noah's story, so some of your readers won't get your point. I'm not trying to tell you what to write, but perhaps something more like " Noah built with prudence" could help maintain the focus on the flood. I would also specify that Ham is Noah's son. I am also unsure how you consider the cross a 'fire."

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In your first line,consider placing The after the word by, and in your fourth line the word A after by.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the idea of the cross being described as the second purge. I never considered that connection before. You pack the words you use with meaning. Your lines are shorter, but say everything they need to. An example of this is "A purifying purge." I also liked the alliteration in that line. I think " a cross shall bridge the gap" is well written, since a bridge is something you go a-cross.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I wouldn't mind seeing one more verse. Looking at your poem, I see the first two stanzas refer to Noah, the third is a transition, and the last deals with the cross. You could add a final stanza, describing the trap, maybe?


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
15
15
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Calvin. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
How annoying that your boss never uses your proper name.

*Star*Something To Think About:
I noticed you placed the correct name, Jerry, close to two wrong names, Gary and Larry. In the next stanza, you repeat those two wrong names and add two more. I think it may help if you put the name Jerry earlier in the poem, as well as in its current place. I had to reread your poem to fully get the gist of it, since there were multiple names to keep track of.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the way you used a common experience for your poem. I've had people get my name wrong repeatedly, and it's annoying. I could relate to Jerry's irritation. The way you build Jerry's level of frustration for the reader, with the sequence of "if only," "why," "I cannot," and "crazy." I have the impression that Jerry doesn't actually dislike Tim, but Tim's habit has Jerry ready to spit nails. I also liked Jerry's confidence that this problem was easy to solve. Poor guy.

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite part is "Tim looked up. Fine Harry. Thank you!" Arrrgh!

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
16
16
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi thereScifiwizard. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A parody of Let It Go" explaining why you should investigate CSFS.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your sixth line, you wrote " with no one to confide." I understand the point you're making, but it does read as if you are expecting someone to confide something to you. I'm sure you already know you could write confide in or in which to confide, but it doesn't exactly flow. Just a thought. Line eight was unclear to me. "Be the mature one they all expect today." What point were you trying to make with that line? Why is maturity expected, and who expects it? So far, you haven't mentioned any group of people, so the arrival of "they" in the same line as "the mature one" threw me. How are you immature, anyway, and what does maturity look like. The actual song has they/ them referring to the country's people, but you don't have a backstory. You could try using a term like folks or others, which implies people but not a specific group. You could also replace " mature" with a different term that is more limited, such as stoic. I am only providing an example. Line twenty-five uses "thee," which doesn't match the more modern usage. I know you were going for the rhyme. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
When you wrote " thoughts explodes," you don't need the S on explodes.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed this parody. I like Let It Go" anyway, and it was pleased to find a well-done parody. You've stuck close to the idea behind the song, with the point of doing what you're made for. You are also doing a good job of sticking to the syllable count of the original. I also liked some of the words you used, such as "immersed." You communicate your energy and enthusiasm clearly. You must really like CSFS.*Smile*

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite verse begins:" These tales will lift your spirits right up off the ground."

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
17
17
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, PandaPaws. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
A medic rans into a battle, risking himself to save a soldier.

*Star*Something To Think About:
I thought your second line felt off. The idea of an entire unit giving a frown sounds like everyone in the unit frowned at once. The idea of an individual frowning seems more successful. The unit's CO, for example, or the chief medic. Another thing I noticed was at the end of stanza four. You use the term "overgrown boulder." Boulders can't grow, and reading that distracted me. I am a very literal thinker and while I suspect you intended to say that plant life had overgrown the boulder, I didn't see that interpretation at first. If that wasn't your intent, perhaps a word like oversized boulder could work better here.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
if you ever feel like changing the ending, " risking his ass" followed by an ellipses could change the tone to suggest more strongly the continuing of his bravery under fire.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked reading about the medic. They aren't as often celebrated and written about, and I'm glad you decided to honor them this way. I found your poem to be a comfortable read, with no technical terms to distract or confuse me. I usually just want the story, not the type of sniper rifle. I also like that you closed with a line from the first stanza, "The medic runs out, risking his ass!"

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really like the energy in your title.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
18
18
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, LostGhost. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Pain fades over time, so just hang on.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In line five, "alters" needs no S. When you write of the autumn leaves, they are objects, things. But you describe sorrow as being alive when you wrote " diluting its own self." To make sorrow a thing, you could write diluted instead. I also feel the word "blow" needs a word like Away to clarify the thought. For example, blow away this. I realize you are using meter in your sonnet, and I'm not trying to harm that. In your closing line, " drive" can also be written as Thrive, if you want to change the meaning at some point. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the tone of your poem. You're recognizing the victim's anguish can't be understood. No platitudes or claiming you understand, just a plan to speak one truth completely. You are saying something that can be expressed as a platitude, such as ' it will get better," or " this, too, shall pass." But you mean what you say, and walk the sufferer through the process with your words. You are supporting him in a way that can capture his attention, a little like you're holding his hand. I also liked your comparison to autumn leaves, and was struck by the word "status" to describe them.

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite line is " The monster eating you will go away."


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
19
19
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Elle.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Admiring birds in God's Own.

*Star*Something To Think About:
In your fourth stanza, I noticed you use can't followed by can. For some reason, that struck me as off. I had to reread that until I figured out what bothered me. Perhaps turning "can swim" into swimming could help. In the next line, I thought the word "very" was a disappointment. You use such wonderful language in this poem, vivid and descriptive,and then, "very." Replacing that with something like she's would keep the syllable count, and go with the consonance of that line. Just my opinions.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I loved the opening line. You began with the birds immediately and I enjoyed the alliteration you used. You had me at line one. The language is lively and vivid and helped me imagine the birds, especially the ones with which I am unfamiliar. From words like " cheeky" and " staid," I imagined personalities. The wood pigeon reminded me of an attractive woman, now running to fat, eating chocolates.

*Star* Other Stuff:
In your second stanza, you write that the owl gives a " haunting" call. Since owls are predators, " haunting" made me think also of hunting. So, for me, that line does double duty.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
20
20
Review of September  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there PandaPaws. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
September is the fading of Summer and precursor to winter.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
Your second line puzzled me a bit. I think in literal terms, and the idea that evening could be elusive seemed queer. Doesn't every day have an evening? I feel you are referring to the longer, lighter summer evenings. That is a fine time to be outside, and being inside, in your poem, seems to be a lesser thing. Perhaps something like "evening's light" could help that point. I had a similar problem with line three's "people gather inside" followed by line five's " alone." I thought people were gathering in a group, not singly in separate locations. I envisioned a gathering of people enjoying themselves with light, laughter, and sipping on mugs of tea or hot chocolate. Perhaps you could change gather to something like isolate or becoming hermits. Just my thoughts.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea of writing about September. That month seems like a pause in time for me. Vacations end, school begins, and people exhale a bit. Your thoughts about September are clear. Words like "wanes" and "elusive" convey your point well. I like mirror acrostics and your acrostic is an enjoyable read. It made me think about autumn, and how I feel about approaching colder weather.

*Star* Other Stuff:
your poem made me examine the pleasures of colder weather, though I doubt that was your intent.*Smile*


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
21
21
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ




*Umbrellav* Hi there, SummerWind.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You are searching for your missing keys at the movie theater.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I can't find anything that needs work, so I'm going to say what crossed my mind after reading it. This is a great poem and I would like to hear more about your search. After all, theater floors are sticky with spilled soda, bumpy with popcorn kernels, littered with half finished drinks. At some point the floor may have acquired A smell that isn't bad when you're sitting in a seat, but up close---eww. I also wondered how your second-to-last line might sound if you added another adjective. "I stood to my feet with a cough, moan, and sneeze," for example. Oh, and on a similar note, if you want to add a little immediacy to your poem, you can start "Last Friday night." And maybe change "all the rows" to every row. I sometimes think about how it sounds when read out loud, and that's why I mention this. But I don't see any problems.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
This is funny. I can imagine myself in your place, crawling around on that floor. Words like Frantic and Panic give me a clearer idea of your state of mind. This is an enjoyable poem and I could strongly relate to the problem. A movie theater is a bad place to have problems anyway, but losing your keys! That can be a disaster. I really liked the way you paired "giggling" with "dangling" in your last line. Your poem made me smile.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really liked your final line " My giggling husband was dangling my keys." It's a whimsy of mine that you could write a companion piece called something like how not to strangle your husband. Five stars!


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
22
22
Review of Love is...  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there, Andi. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The cycle of love in your life,

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I am confused about something in your first stanza. You use contrast and it makes sense in most places, but I'm unclear as to how " exciting -igniting" can reunite a split soul. Maybe it's just me, but I find anything that noticeably distracts me from the poem makes it harder for me to pay attention to what is written. I don't see all the writer is trying to convey, and the writer lacks my full attention. It seems like a lose-lose situation for both.

You use the word my frequently. That may be deliberate repetition. If so,terrific. But if that isn't deliberate, you may want to reword some of those sentences. You establish that you are the subject in the first stanza twice,so the reader doesn't need reminding after that. You could alter "my life" to something like ' life has," for example. This is all just my opinion.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I see nothing here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed the alternating two word lines. "electric-dialectic" captured my attention and made me want to read more. The word combinations you used and the hyphen between the two attracted my attention. A word like "exciting" gets your point across, but also opens a mental door for your reader. I have my ideas and experiences that make up what I define as excitement, so I will feel that personal connection when I read the word. You make your words count. The pattern of a descriptive line followed by the action or result made the most of every word.

*Star* Other Stuff:
In lines eleven and thirteen, the rhyme of Delete and Complete seemed powerful to me. I realized that you have not only combined the words in a climactic way, but the long E sound only appears in these two words and makes them stand out.
I'm glad I read this.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
23
23
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi YellowRose.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Trying to survive pain and break through to the other side.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
It seems to me that most of your stanzas mention something temporary, like a walk or a visit. In your second stanza you write " You can escape back" which presents a different slant. To me, escape is permanent. You may be confused, but you have accomplished this. The accomplishment is final. To then write about other methods of dealing with pain does not fit the idea in stanza two. If you wrote something like "Try to escape," the ideas would, in my opinion, mesh better than they do now.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In stanza four, you have the word pretending. The -ing verbs read better if they match each other. In other words, consider visit/pretend or visiting/ pretending. Changing breathe is optional, but it might sound nice.*Smile* I think you intended to use lose with one O instead of loose with two O's in that last stanza.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked the idea behind the poem. This seems to be a personal pain where at least some of the anguish is psychological. You suggest many attempts to leave it behind but none really succeed, because you can't leave yourself behind. I can feel an actual human suffering behind your words, not simply ideas. The desire to escape our problems is a desire most people have, and you convey that well.

*Star* Other Stuff:
If you haven't read this poem out loud, you may consider that. My favorite line is the last one " Or you can fight for yourself in that hard rain.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
24
24
Review of Ark  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there C.J. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Monu is angry and frustrated when Elohim comes to see her.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I noticed you opened with " I swear..." If this is set in the time of Noah, would there have been a prohibition from Elohim against cursing? Wouldn't that be something those who were left behind would do? An alternative to your opening phrase might be something like " One day I'm..." Another thing that struck me was the
Line "Monu graciously accepted her son from her sister-in-law." I wondered about that statement. Was that meant as sarcasm? Monu seems to be having real problems with graciousness. Another view is you are trying to contrast Monu's actions with her words. I also wondered if there was a wrong attitude there. Monu could have an expectation that Of Course Radmah would help, so taking Elam back was a nice thing to do for Radmah. Less gratitude toward Radmah and more "OK, I'll take a turn now and you can go do something else. I'll allow it." There's nothing wrong with that sentence, I just have several different things I took away from it. If you want to highlight one particular point there this is my take on it.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like reading a dialogue as an opening, and I enjoyed reading the conversation between Monu and Radmah. You clearly convey Monu's anger and frustration with the calmer Radmah's remarks. Monu is believable as a new mother, feeling uncertain, weary, and trapped. She is lacking the support she wants, and probably wishes she could escape the ark. But even if she could, she'd still be Elam's mother. That's a lifetime job. She's blazing a trail for her sisters by marriage. She doesn't want to be first, but longs to be led by someone else. I honestly believe she's depressed. Cooped up on an ark for ten months with a needy infant, all her in-laws, and a lot of reeking animals with almost no daylight would have me going crazy. There may even be a lingering thought of what she could have had with technology available to her. A baby monitor? Push button toys? The way you portrayed Monu really led me to imagine all these things. I've been through much of what Monu struggles with here, so I can relate to what you wrote. Very well done.

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite line was "Gah!"


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
25
25
Review of The Good/Bad Day  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi Tina.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Young Candice is having a bad day; her plans have gone awry.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I would like a little more physical description of Candice to make her seem more real. As a reader, details like a long ponytail or auburn hair or striped socks make it easier for me to picture Candice. If I can picture her I get more pleasure from reading the story. That's my take on it, anyway.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't know if "whisp" is an alternate spelling of the word, but I've always used "wisp" without the H. There seems to be a comma missing after "calm down," too.

*Star*Things I Like:
Candice is such a drama queen! She certainly doesn't like to be thwarted, does she? Her aggrieved attitude is funny, especially as she takes this so seriously.
You do a wonderful job of conveying her angst over the uncooperative weather. The tragic, tortured state of Candice's mind is very true to life. Nicely done. I also get the impression that her mom has had these encounters with her daughter before and now uses a "be calm and let her vent" strategy. This is a very funny read.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really liked Candice's final wail of anguish. "Why does it have to be so beautiful this week? Why?"


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting to heal

"Showering Acts of Joy Order Form
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