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146 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there M.A. George.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
a wife is upset over her missing dustbin and orders her beleaguered husband to find it.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
in paragraph eight, you use "bloody great big." You might see if "bloody great" works better here.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I can't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I enjoyed the poor husband. All he wants is to watch a horse race on the Telly;is that so much to ask? But his wife, who comes across as a bit of a shrew, demands he find her missing dustbin. He seems to feel that finding a bin will appease her, a bit like paying tribute to a monarch.if she has the dustbin, maybe she'll leave him alone. I liked his solution---steal one. The Doberman quickly quashed that plan, and he went running home. I laughed at the "my darling" in your final sentence. He clearly was getting his own back. You also used some wonderful language. "Crash! Bang! Wallop!" That was unmistakably hilarious, but not as much as "Woof! s***, ouch,ouch."

*Star* Other Stuff:
you have written something clever and witty here, and the relationship between the two reminds me of the Andy Capp comic strip. Well done!


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
27
27
Review of Woman Bites Dog  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
how Sarah went from an ordinary evening to a tense one when the Man Bites Dog crew stops at her house. She worries her past transgression will be discovered.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I had trouble accepting a van full of tv people showing up on her doorstep and asking for dinner. Perhaps a different reason to come inside could be used here, and then a reason for them to stay to dinner follows. I also wondered about paragraph one's chronology of the the tv crew arriving. I thought the idea of the van first being in front of her house, then noting it was in the broader setting of her neighborhood a little confusing. If you were trying to explain the van coming closer, then it is unclear. If you're simply trying to show her thoughts or state of mind, then it's successful. Actually, I think that is what you're attempting here, so just ignore everything you just read. I also think using however and though in your last sentence is repetitive and you may want to abandon one of those words.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked how you introduced Sarah right away, and had her in a pickle by the middle of paragraph one. I can easily imagine her wincing inwardly, hoping they would go away, and realizing she could either open the door or make them think she was crazy on top of everything else. I really wanted to know her secret. I was attracted to the story by your title and description, though I expected it to be more criminal or supernatural. I know you have listed this as drama, but I found it quite funny when I finished reading. Going back to read it over once I knew the guilty secret made it much funnier to watch her fear develop. I also found myself imagining myself in her position. I wouldn't rush to answer the door either. You described things well, using words like "ruckus" and "antics" to define your story and characters. You certainly showed Sarah's fear in the first paragraph well by using exclamation marks interspersed with questions. You employed those things well to create the suspense. Her outward calm while feeling anguished inside was a good contrast. It also made Sarah easier to imagine, since I could narrow down what kind of life she led now. She seems content to live a so-called normal life, and to leave any wildness behind.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I really enjoyed your final paragraph, especially the closing line. I am glad I read this.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
28
28
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The emotional relationship between the shadow and the person, and the fluctuation in life circumstances that affect both.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
if you eliminate "my" in the first line of stanza four, it may improve the flow.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I cannot see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like your title. It got my attention and made me look at the poem. I originally thought design meant something like shape or outline, but reading the poem made me wonder if plan or scheme was more appropriate. Maybe it's both. The way you emphasize how insubstantial your shadow is in stanza one is effective with words like whisper and trace. It made me wonder if it was firmly attached to you, or if it was precariously clinging to you. The novelty of possessing a shadow that envies you is unusual, and I liked that. It's a little strange to think about personifying a shadow, since it only exists because there is someone there to cast it. The shadow is not alive, or an object, or a body part. Yet everyone has a shadow. The idea that you become lesser through illness, and more like the shadow made me wonder if your weakness you were reduced to the same, almost withered, aspect you wrote about in stanza one.

You raised a lot a questions in my mind. How do you shine in the sun? Is this illness a recurring one or a more severe and long term ailment? Are you mentally ill? Why are you withdrawing from people? What is it like to live inside your mind after all you already achieved in a larger sphere? Do you ever recover? I particularly enjoy reading something that raises questions in my mind and you certainly achieved that. Another thing I appreciated was the method you used to show your deterioration. In stanza two, you write that you"shine in the sun," but by stanza five you tremble to look at yourself.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I wonder if your illness was in part brought on by some effort on your shadow's part. After all, your shadow has always been there, and could work indirectly. Perhaps you are delusional, and what you say about your shadow is an invention.

This poem made me think. There were many things I saw as variable, like the type of illness or the number of people being pushed away. This allows me to reach multiple conclusions depending on how I fill in the blanks. That keeps me thinking after I've read the poem and left your port. I often give a favorite part in my reviews, but everything here is top drawer, so I can't find anything that's better to point at. You are talented indeed.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
29
29
Review of The Paper  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners.*Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Charlie acquires a piece of paper that gives him instructions that change his life.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I wouldn't mind a little more detail about Charlie. Two things struck me, actually. A reference to his age, such as "mid-twenties,"since you are going to chart his life. Also, how long he saw Laura for before they married is more specific. These details may make it easier for a reader to imagine Charlie. Some more detail about Charlie, like a bald spot, can also make him easier to imagine. Just a thought. You might want to think about the reason he took the paper. He thinks paper that gives him instructions is a ridiculous idea. You stated that it seemed logical to accept it from the stranger. Perhaps Charlie considered it a logical way to get this stranger to vamoose. Is that what you meant?

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked you introducing your character by name right away. I always like to know who I am reading about. Even though your story had a fantasy element, I didn't consider it fantasy but a very down-to-earth story. The paper had realistic limits: it only worked for him, only when he needed it, and it couldn't be commanded. The paper helped Charlie find a job and meet his future wife, the things he really needed. I also liked Charlie's strength of character. He didn't come to rely on the paper, but to take the suggestions offered and make the most of them.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I loved your final two paragraphs, especially"BUY A BLUE SUIT." That was my favorite line.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
30
30
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb




*Umbrellav* Hi there. This is a From the Garden review, part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.


*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The stubbornness of the speaker when told she couldn't do something to do it and show "him"he was wrong. The knowledge that she couldn't actually do it, no matter what she thought.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza four, use the word two instead of the number. In stanza six, I was confused by the word "wizzy." I've never heard of this word and didn't understand how it fit. You may want to look at that. Your second line use the phrase "extremely rough." That seemed unclear to me.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In your final line, I think you meant "varnished."

*Star*Things I Like:
I really like the way you began the poem. Your title made me think it was going to be about a relationship or breakup. I was delighted to discover it was comedy.
She's got a definite chip on her shoulder and is planning to prove him wrong. The way her little voice of rationality keeps being overridden by her emotions is great to read about. After all, nobody's going to stop her, even if she is being a "complete jackass." I also thought you used descriptive language well. Some of the words, like "posterity"are less common and stood out. But what I really liked were words like "dysfunctional wacky"and "kooky." Did you deliberately end four consecutive lines with silly words ending in Y? It's very effective. Your conclusion made me laugh. Stuck to her varnished floor? Serves her right!

*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite stanza was number five.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
31
31
Review of Not Sure?  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Gabriel Wolfgang Phoenix. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the sadness and abandonment felt by this young man, and how it resulted in him being where he is right now.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I think looking at your paragraph can help. There is a lot of information there. Looking at it from the outside, there are a lot of things you can try. What is the narrator's name? Have you named him in your head? Is he an Elmer, Jackson, Bruce, or Linden? Does he go by a nickname? Evelyn used to be a unisex name, but now we use it for girls only, so a boy with that name is an easy target for bullying or teasing. My husband actually knows a man whose name is s---head, pronounced shi-thay-ed.

Your character states he is alone, with only the moon for a friend. You actually have several nature references that you could combine here. The dying fire, the moaning trees, the silent, cold moon all can be used to underline/highlight/point out his loneliness, or how dismal his life is or has become. You explain how many things have occurred that make him lonely. Much of this can be expanded. Who was the girl?Why was he disowned? Did he ever have friends? Personally, I'd like to see these questions answered. Using something brief in your opening, such as "Once again, he was alone," can leave room for more details in later paragraphs.

He calls himself a monster. Is that literal? Is he a werewolf? Perhaps society would consider him a monster. That might make him not just lonely, but an outcast. Considering how he might be a monster could present a sharper image of him. Perhaps he thinks in black-and-white terms. You also state that he is angry all the time, that anger is the only emotion he has. Earlier on, you write that he was "sad and lonely." Maybe remembering this fuels his anger, or he is lying to himself about not feeling other emotions.

I wonder if he is trapped. The loneliness may be a prison for him, or the anger. The tall trees surrounding and dwarfing him suggest being trapped or encircled to my mind. If he is not actually trapped, he certainly is restrained.

A little activity is another suggestion. An indication of his anger fueling him could be shown this way. "He dug his knife brutally into the branch as he whittled," for example.


*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In sentence four, the first"she" is unnecessary.

*Star*Things I Like:
you have some great ideas here. The moon as a friend and the creaking and groaning of the trees, I particurlarly liked.your setting is a good one for the loneliness you describe, too.


*Star* Other Stuff:
"Creaking and groaning throughout the night," was my favorite sentence. Please don't give up on this. I really like it. If you change or expand it, I will read more.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
32
32
Review of Not Sure?  
Rated: E | (3.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Gabriel Wolfgang Phoenix. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the sadness and abandonment felt by this young man, and how it resulted in him being where he is right now.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I think looking at your paragraph can help. There is a lot of information there. Looking at it from the outside, there are a lot of things you can try. What is the narrator's name? Have you named him in your head? Is he an Elmer, Jackson, Bruce, or Linden? Does he go by a nickname? Evelyn used to be a unisex name, but now we use it for girls only, so a boy with that name is an easy target for bullying or teasing. My husband actually knows a man whose name is s---head, pronounced shi-thay-ed.

Your character states he is alone, with only the moon for a friend. You actually have several nature references that you could combine here. The dying fire, the moaning trees, the silent, cold moon all can be used to underline/highlight/point out his loneliness, or how dismal his life is or has become. You explain how many things have occurred that make him lonely. Much of this can be expanded. Who was the girl?Why was he disowned? Did he ever have friends? Personally, I'd like to see these questions answered. Using something brief in your opening, such as "Once again, he was alone," can leave room for more details in later paragraphs.

He calls himself a monster. Is that literal? Is he a werewolf? Perhaps society would consider him a monster. That might make him not just lonely, but an outcast. Considering how he might be a monster could present a sharper image of him. Perhaps he thinks in black-and-white terms. You also state that he is angry all the time, that anger is the only emotion he has. Earlier on, you write that he was "sad and lonely." Maybe remembering this fuels his anger, or he is lying to himself about not feeling other emotions.

I wonder if he is trapped. The loneliness may be a prison for him, or the anger. The tall trees surrounding and dwarfing him suggest being trapped or encircled to my mind. If he is not actually trapped, he certainly is restrained.

A little activity is another suggestion. An indication of his anger fueling him could be shown this way. "He dug his knife brutally into the branch as he whittled," for example.


*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In sentence four, the first"she" is unnecessary.

*Star*Things I Like:
you have some great ideas here. The moon as a friend and the creaking and groaning of the trees, I particurlarly liked.your setting is a good one for the loneliness you describe, too.


*Star* Other Stuff:
"Creaking and groaning throughout the night," was my favorite sentence. Please don't give up on this. I really like it. If you change or expand it, I will read more.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
33
33
Review of In My Rearview  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Dave.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
reminiscing about a lost love, remembering how something good became wrong/ruined/spoiled, finding memory and solace in the road.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I can offer no suggestions. Your poem is fine as it is.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Again, nothing.

*Star*Things I Like:
I thought the form you used was interesting. I found myself counting syllables and studying the pattern. I also enjoyed some of the phrases you used, such as "tangled up in dreams." You did a good job of conveying passage of time. I found myself filling in backstory internally, calculating how long they had been together, especially since she got a yacht out of it. *RollEyes* the twist at the end made a nice change from the earlier reflective tone. It was also funny, making me chuckle. Actually, I got more out of the poem rereading it, since I knew how it ended. That allowed me to focus on everything that led up to the end. Also, the question you asked in stanza four struck me as excellent, showing the progression that brought you to this point. You provided the rear view reference there, and the question gave me a better feel for the writer. Coming on the heels of " capricious rigmorale," I felt that the demise of the marriage was more her fault than his.


*Star* Other Stuff:
My favorite phrase is "capricious rigmarole."

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
34
34
for entry "My Toby can Drive
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi PandaPaws-RecoveringfromGoT. This a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
how special Toby is, and how he drives you to so many places emotionally.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
while Toby's name was in the title, it doesn't appear anywhere else. I'd rather see his name in there once or twice; it would make him more real to me. Also, I don't think "very unique" is the best way to describe him. If something is unique, it is the only one, or one-of-a-kind. If you're counting syllables, putting the name Toby in that line can help you out there. But the phrase "very unique" is a personal pet peeve of mine, so take that for what it is worth,

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the twist in your poem. I thought Toby could physically drive a car, but having him drive you places emotionally struck me as an enjoyable take on Toby and your relationship with him. I appreciated how you used Toby's seizures in your poem. I have seizures, so the idea of muscles cramping was more real for me. I felt those details made Toby stand out.


*Star* Other Stuff:
Toby sounds like a great dog. My favorite line was " When he acts dumb and like a giant putz." P.S. Pet Toby for me.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
35
35
Review of The Bug-Man Sting  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Mitchopolis. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Preston's determination to catch the exterminator stealing from the hotel, and his attitude that it must be Glen the Bug Guy.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
You may want to rethink the mention of room 372 in your second paragraph. I felt the difference in the numbers was a little distracting. Going from the fifth floor to the third back to the fifth again broke the flow of your point, in my humble opinion.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
there are a couple of places that may benefit from a comma, such as in paragraph three. "From his pocket, sliding" seems to flow a bit better.

*Star*Things I Like:
Well, I really liked Preston. He strikes me as someone who is immature. His resentment toward Glen is based on eighth grade beard growth. He also seems to be someone who needs to get a date, a life, or both. He thinks he's doing the right thing, but I think he has no idea how be looks to outsiders. With no actual evidence, he decided Glen was a thief, stole from a hotel guest ( really? I thought he was trying to stop theft?) . He set a trap to catch Glen. This is a man who has watched too many cop shows, you know? This was a fun read and a novel idea for a story. I thought this was funny, too.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I wondered if Preston is jealous of Glen. Glen has his own business, and probably decent looks, while Preston has a job as a bellboy. favorite line was "Okay
Pesticide
Prince, spread eagle on the wall!"

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
36
36
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Angels in my Ear.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Standing above the city, alone, reflecting on one you love.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza two, you repeat the word could, in lines one and two. Since they are so close, with one above the other, a reader may become distracted. Rewording one line may help with that. In stanza three, you begin your first line with "But instead," which struck me as repetitive.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Nothing I can see.

*Star*Things I Like:
You describe the writer's relationship with the darkness well. Your first stanza describes the cold and unwelcoming night. The use of diamonds and rubies, hard and unfeeling, coupled with hard, unfeeling electricity, is vivid. It becomes richer after reading the entirety of the poem. In stanza three, I liked the contrast between how you once felt about the night,and how you see it now. It almost seems an alien thing when you switch from "welcoming" to only reflecting darkness, blackness. I like the brevity of your final stanza.


*Star* Other Stuff:
From your poem, I envision a woman from a high point in a city, looking down to her loss or past with someone she loved but the relationship is damaged, if not broken. Someone craving that person's presence, but now isolated from it. She too, appears cold on the outside, but inside there is a pain that does not ease or fade. Perhaps night makes this more intense. I thought the couplet " now reflect only the darkness and add black to blackness,"was striking.



*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
37
37
Review of Visual Poetry  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi StoryMistress. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The writer's description of those things that make up Writing.com.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I can't see anything I can recommend here, and I looked repeatedly.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
nothing here

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the shape of the poem, since it really shows that love encapsulates all the descriptions in the poem. I also liked that "reading" and "writing" were placed at the top, and "home"at the bottom. To me, it seemed that those words had more weight to them, and more meaning for you, because of their placement. This also goes along with the multiple fonts used in your poem. Beginning at the top, I counted twelve fonts before one repeated. Along with the shape of your poem, this was very visually appealing to me. The shape of your poem also allowed my eyes to skip from word to word and combine them in ways that a list structure wouldn't permit. I liked the freedom in that, since I can use it for a thought exercise.


*Star* Other Stuff:
Some of the words in your poem can be used in two ways. "Amazing" is a verb and an adjective, while "authors" is a verb and a noun. I don't know if that was deliberate, but it made me think. On a personal note, I think "generous" is also a great descriptor for this site.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
38
38
Review of Down On the Farm  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Dave.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
About the pleasure brought about by returning to the farm of your younger days, and leaving your current big-city life behind for a weekend.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza two, the flow might be improved by putting the couplet about your penthouse first. I felt the break that mentioned the penthouse drew my mind away from the discussion of breakfast, and I didn't get the most I could have out of that stanza.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I couldn't see any problems.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea behind the poem. Reading about taking a break and returning to a more straightforward time, with a less strident way of life, appealed to me. I like to get away and have a less rushed/stressful/anxious time, so this was relatable for me. I think you did well conveying the satisfaction? The speaker has with his weekend. I especially liked details about nine ball and Conway Twitty. That's probably because I don't find it as obviously a part of farming as tilling and collecting eggs. The juxtaposition of the relaxed social time against the return to NYC reinforces that well.


*Star* Other Stuff:
stanza two made me hungry!

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
39
39
Review of You  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Sisco~GoT exempt. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Your love devotion, and, perhaps obsession with the mysterious You. The emotions and excitement that are felt about You by thyself. Sorry, the title of the poem leads to difficulties using particular pronouns.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
Two thoughts occurred to me. First, in stanza two, line two, you could eliminate the words "to me"and still keep the point. Second, in stanza three, I thought line two had two conflicting ideas. You had been stating all along how important the relationship is. To begin a line by mentioning a strong relationship struck me a positive, halting the relationship a negative. I may recommend the use of "but" after the comma, to improve the flow.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
nothing here

*Star*Things I Like:
I like your choice of words, especially " aflutter" and "splendiferous." The, well, yes, ahem, obsession with You comes through clearly, especially with the detail about the nicotine. The reference to nicotine is an appealing precursor, since both substances are addictive. The third stanza made a nice break, as an effort to resist the irresistible, and be in charge of your decisions. It becomes funnier on the later readings, when the identity of You has been revealed.


*Star* Other Stuff:
my favorite line is "My friends must think I am some sort of nutter." That made me smile.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
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Review of Poem : Reading  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Red Rose. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
that everyone should read, and read often. That there are many good reasons to read.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza four, your first line contains six syllables. That is the only line with six---all the other lines are four or five syllables. I think this breaks up the flow of your poem. Also, if you think literacy is important for everyone, then recommending reading instead of a video game and discussing grades dropping is too narrow an example. Many people are no longer in school.
If this is intended for young people, then it is fine.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the energy and enthusiasm you have in this piece. Your pleasure in reading and your desire to have everyone read and share that pleasure shows through plainly. When reading, I could hear the rhythm in my head. I also liked the repetition tying the first stanza to the last.


*Star* Other Stuff:
I like your lightheartedness in this poem. Also, the line "read a whole crate" appealed to me, since I could imagine what the crate looked like. The notion of me reading a poem about reading is a little funny. (And here I am, writing a review for you to read, about how I felt when reading what you wrote about reading. My head hurts.)*Facepalm* if you haven't read this out loud, you might consider it. Maybe it could give you a sense of whether it needs work or not. I'm not saying you should, just that if you try it at some point, if you decide to alter it, this could help. I really enjoyed this, Red Rose.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

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Review of My Quiet House  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi G.B. Williams. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
it is about your house, which is less of a house and more of a home, especially for your spirit.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
Reordering your paragraphs could improve the flow of your piece. Paragraphs three and seven address related ideas, and so do paragraphs four and six. The idea may become clearer to a reader if you did that. Also, you establish the idea of it being your quiet house well enough that you can find synonyms, such as home or dwelling, solitary or calm. My mind wandered a bit when seeing so much of the same words.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything.

*Star*Things I Like:
I like the idea of your house being a place of peace and serenity. It sounds like a welcoming place, very inviting. Since you spoke of prayer, perhaps you even see some sacredness in that place of quiet.


*Star* Other Stuff:
I enjoyed reading about your home and I'm glad you shared something personal about your relationship with a place.That made it stand out to me. It was easy for me to relate to as I lived in the same house for twenty-eight years, and have emotions about that house myself.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
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Rated: E | (3.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Bonnie, House Stark.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Ana's urgency to get home and prepare for the party; her interlude with the Lexus couple

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
The repeated use of shorter phrases seemed a little choppy to me. I found it somewhat distracting. Perhaps a few more connecting words, such as "because" or "and" may help.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
there were a couple of instances where you didn't close quotation marks.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked Ana. She seemed intelligent, and determined to do the right thing, whether it's hosting the new neighbor gathering, checking in with her husband, or trying not to look at the couple in the Lexus. She kept what happened on the freeway behind her, and moved on to what was needed next.

*Star* Other Stuff:
this is a fun idea, I liked it very much. My favorite line was " I imagined you blond."

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
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Review of Felix  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi Percy Goodfellow. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
about Felix turning out to be not what you expected. About Felix's attempts to create an identity for herself.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
your final paragraph doesn't seem to flow as well as it could. After three paragraphs of Felix worming his way into your house and life, the change of subject almost seems abrupt.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked reading about Felix. She seems intelligent and determined, with the way she makes herself into a dog, even if the other dogs weren't interested in having her around. Your sentence "she auditioned for one of the vacant dog positions" made me smile. I also enjoyed your directness. " Cats are dumb like that."

*Star* Other Stuff:
the detail about your mother telling you about keeping a cat on your chest.

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
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Review of Who Is The Master  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb


Hi spacecat.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the way Venus assures us that he is in charge, not that silly, deluded human. Venus is very satisfied with his mastery over the house.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I like this, but if you could give an example of Venus' mastery, it might add to the point. Perhaps different tactics he uses, or something he achieved using his catly wiles.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
in poetry, each line begins with a capital letter.

*Star*Things I Like:
I really enjoyed Venus. The focus was definitely on him, and the way he describes the human with little use of detail shows how little the cat seems to think he's worth. Venus reminds me of cats everywhere, and certainly of my own four. I think the line "I think he knows that I love him/But I cannot let him win" is my favorite. Venus, after all, does care about his human, even though he has no plans to offer success. Rather like not letting a child win a game if they play poorly.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I may have noticed punctuation missteps. One of my favorite resources for this is: http://www.dailywritingtips.com. Sorry, I don't know how to make it a link.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey

"Invalid Item
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello sageivy03

My name is Whiskerface, and I've been reading your work-in progress Post Apocalyse. I'm also a member of Showering Acts of Joy, a review group. Everything I write is my opinion,nothing more.

Chapter one does a good job of using Dusty's attitude and ideas to outline not only what she's like but also to give background for her setting, with abandoned cars and hopeless people everywhere she looks. The pain of her parent's suicide is apparent, and Max's remark about her bitterness is spot-on. She has become hard in the past year, but not as completely as she'd like to believe. Her plan to find her brother, her one remaining family member, is really no different than the people around her believing that this will end soon. She also left Max a gun and tried to smile at him, shows she is not emotionally dead, only damaged.

The way you introduced Max was interesting,because he initially seemed tough,trying to take her on, but turned out to be much softer around the edges than Dusty, a nice contrast. Tough girl, good-hearted boy. Max's determination is the equal of hers, though, and she makes herself tolerate him until he finally leaves.

chapter two is told from Max's perspective. I like the idea of swapping between narrators, by the way. Max begins by thinking about Dusty and her personality. He is obviously intrigued by her and would like to know more. I want to know how this potential relationship will play out. Max's emotions seemed a little les confined
To the immediate needs of life, with remarks about girls being complicated and even the things that are immediately there might have been present in a normal teenage life, such as wanting to be free. Kristof echoes some of this attitude too. I thought Max's reflection on how he hated his dad's thrift made me think his dad was a practical man but seeing his response when he learned about Dusty, and his insistence that she be brought to him for questioning revealed a ruthless edge to his character. For his survival, and that of others, he is as willing to use and take from Dusty as she is toward others. He considers it justifiable. Maybe it is, but he seems to have decided he's a leader, and his leadership style is the ends justifies the means. This is also shown by him sending Max out to see if he can find someone to question. Max's response to his dad is conflicted and he sees the ethical problem. Kristof seems to be capable of understanding both arguments, and offers to meet Dusty. That seems like a true act of friendship and I can see the friendship between them being a close one.

Chapter Three showed Dusty in a less harsh and self-centered light. She actually was thinking about Max, and seemed to be curious about him and even have a bit of positive feeling for him, by recognizing Max could have beaten her yesterday if he'd been prepared. She has been isolated for so long, human contact with someone decent seems to have thrown her for a loop. When she met Max again, she stopped for him, something she wouldn't have done the day before. Dusty is suspicious of Max now, but still goes with him to be bandaged, so he must have seemed trustworthy enough by her standards. I liked the exchange between Dusty and Max while he bandaged her hand tenderly and thought her insight about him being a doctor showed a real understanding of either him or human nature.

I enjoyed this piece. Dusty and Max are not predictable. I was surprised to find Max's family still intact,down to his best friend whom I'm assuming was also his friend before the apocalypse . In chapter two I particularly liked the phrase " like tiny knives driving into my skin."

I noticed some punctuation missteps with commas and the occasional hyphen. One resource for this is: http://dailywritingtips.com.this site covers a lot of punctuation information. I would like to see more information about the mutation, and how people reacted. I think it would make a real difference in grasping how dismal life now is for people. How life was before, what happened, how long did it take for people to realize the problem, why is there so much death and destruction. When you wrote about the first meeting between Dusty and Max, you said that Dusty's eyes met a green and brown set. I was confused by this, and wondered if you meant one green eye and one brown eye. You might clarify that.

I enjoyed your story and hope you continue with it. The notion of a mutation in gasoline is unusual---no war or disease---for an apocalyptic story. It's a change I appreciate. A very good story. Thank you for sharing it with me. Whiskerface



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Seriously funny. Seriously engaging. Seriously good idea. Seriously began to lose concentration after the repetition of the word serious. Maybe reading it out loud would let you see if it works the way you want. I liked this poem. Keep writing! Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Chien Sans Merci  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Asymmetrical

I enjoyed Chien Sans Merci. I read the first two stanzas then looked to see how you had categorized it. Humor,I thought . Really? Then I got to the vacuum cleaner and burst out laughing. I could see your dog doing battle with the Hoover in my imagination. The style you used was very effective, telling it as a great battle.

I was perplexed by the first line of stanza six. To me, your point seemed unclear. In stanza three, you might improve the flow by changing "stopped to think" to something shorter, such as "wondered".

I am reminded of The Shooting of Dan McGrew, by Robert W. Service. This was a fun read. Keep writing! Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Samount Gugar v2  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Wrath.of.Khan

I just finished reading Samount Gagarin v2. I enjoyed your story. August, in some ways, seems typical, such as his shyness around Julie. But you establish early on that he is nothing of the sort. His obsessive counting of the birds and salt grains helps reveal that. A Podunk town in New Mexico with a military base as a major employer appealed to me. It's offbeat enough to fit the character's personality. August seems like someone who can get lost not just in his thoughts, but inside his own mind. The truly high I.Q. Types tend toward a little weirdness, and so do scientists, so that works well in August.

I enjoyed Julie, and I think she is amiable without being dull. She has spirit, intelligence,and humor. Dr. Gagar seems to be, if not precisely remote, a step removed from everything around him. I like that, and I hope you expand on his character. I want to know if that truly changes once they get away from there.

You used some delightful description that really caught my notice. " the bacon has the lightest crisp" "lost in the orchestral sounds of the clattering silver" "librarian-framed glasses." I really could hear the clatter and see the glasses. I enjoyed the glasses by the way. A nice touch.

I was struck by August's description of the Professor as having "longish white hair" and a "brownish sweater". For someone so naturally precise, August appears to have trouble clearly describing this man, even though he is deliberately studying him. Was this intentional? Just wondering.

Yes, I liked the twist, and no, it wasn't too obvious, unless you're the kind of person who looks for anagrams in names.

I am a picky person, so keep that in mind. Paragraph one uses the phrase "enough empty space." Since enough is a relative term, you may consider a more descriptive term such as "plenty" or "considerable." Also, a coo a after the word door may improve that sentence. In paragraph four, you talk about a "saratoga" quirk. In paragraph two, the term "saratogan"is used. Since the quirk is about people, not the town, saratogan may be a better choice.

Another thing I noticed is how you qualified things in your story. For August, it works well. But for describing the government installation in paragraph two, omitting an adverb, such as " usually" or "relatively"or "mostly", might improve the description. If you did this to later suggest something hidden or furtive or secret about this place, I am definitely barking up the wrong tree. But I don't know what you're going to write next, so I can only judge by what I see.

Now. Aren't you glad I'm quitting this paragraph-by-paragraph thing? If I were getting this review, I'd be thrilled. But...your story is excellent. I truly enjoyed it. You know that science fiction is more about the characters than the science. Your writing reflects that, and I really, really, want to read more of this. It is terrific! Very engaging. Please keep writing, you have talent. Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Bad Day Blues  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Dorianne

I really enjoyed your poem Bad Day Blues. I can really identify with that mom and I can hear her tone in your words. I think she's caught in a whirl of emotions, part "does counting to ten really work?" Part "hang in there, since you don't really have a choice" , part "Where's my Fairy Godmother?" At least that's what it sounded like to me. I liked the ending, where she descends on her own mother for help. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You couldn't walk around all day with earbuds in, either. You listened to records, and your record player did nothing else but play records. If an album got scratched, you just had to put up with the skip. There was nothing electronics that would fit in a pocket, either. Like boom boxes. Man alive they were huge! And heavy. If you wanted to share music with a friend, you either loaned them the cassette or album or played it for them. Maybe you could make them a copy. You used to buy music at The Record Store, because that's what there was.

People actually owned encyclopedias and used them. They were in every home, and you wrote your papers and did your projects by using them. Everyone owned at least one dictionary, too. There was no spellcheck. You spelled it right or your teacher took off points for misspellings. Walkmans were huge. A tape player you could actually take somewhere with you and you didn't need to carry it. You could clip it on; it was only the size of a book. Wow!

Whiskerface
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