Whiskerfacebythefireplace's (whiskerface) Reviews

Whiskerfacebythefireplace

Review Requests: ON

182 Public Reviews Given

188 Total Reviews Given

26

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#4059914

Review of Quilting the Poems

for entry "This will go away one day"

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

"Part of Your Shower" Group Signature for SAJ

Hi there, LostGhost. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Pain fades over time, so just hang on.

Something To Think About:
In line five, "alters" needs no S. When you write of the autumn leaves, they are objects, things. But you describe sorrow as being alive when you wrote " diluting its own self." To make sorrow a thing, you could write diluted instead. I also feel the word "blow" needs a word like Away to clarify the thought. For example, blow away this. I realize you are using meter in your sonnet, and I'm not trying to harm that. In your closing line, " drive" can also be written as Thrive, if you want to change the meaning at some point. Just my thoughts.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

Things I Like:
I liked the tone of your poem. You're recognizing the victim's anguish can't be understood. No platitudes or claiming you understand, just a plan to speak one truth completely. You are saying something that can be expressed as a platitude, such as ' it will get better," or " this, too, shall pass." But you mean what you say, and walk the sufferer through the process with your words. You are supporting him in a way that can capture his attention, a little like you're holding his hand. I also liked your comparison to autumn leaves, and was struck by the word "status" to describe them.

Other Stuff:
My favorite line is " The monster eating you will go away."

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
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#4059270

Review of My Missing Keys

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi there, SummerWind.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
You are searching for your missing keys at the movie theater.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I can't find anything that needs work, so I'm going to say what crossed my mind after reading it. This is a great poem and I would like to hear more about your search. After all, theater floors are sticky with spilled soda, bumpy with popcorn kernels, littered with half finished drinks. At some point the floor may have acquired A smell that isn't bad when you're sitting in a seat, but up close---eww. I also wondered how your second-to-last line might sound if you added another adjective. "I stood to my feet with a cough, moan, and sneeze," for example. Oh, and on a similar note, if you want to add a little immediacy to your poem, you can start "Last Friday night." And maybe change "all the rows" to every row. I sometimes think about how it sounds when read out loud, and that's why I mention this. But I don't see any problems.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

Things I Like:
This is funny. I can imagine myself in your place, crawling around on that floor. Words like Frantic and Panic give me a clearer idea of your state of mind. This is an enjoyable poem and I could strongly relate to the problem. A movie theater is a bad place to have problems anyway, but losing your keys! That can be a disaster. I really liked the way you paired "giggling" with "dangling" in your last line. Your poem made me smile.

Other Stuff:
I really liked your final line " My giggling husband was dangling my keys." It's a whimsy of mine that you could write a companion piece called something like how not to strangle your husband. Five stars!

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
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#4057213

Review of Love is...

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb

Hi there, Andi. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The cycle of love in your life,

Things That Might Make It Better:
I am confused about something in your first stanza. You use contrast and it makes sense in most places, but I'm unclear as to how " exciting -igniting" can reunite a split soul. Maybe it's just me, but I find anything that noticeably distracts me from the poem makes it harder for me to pay attention to what is written. I don't see all the writer is trying to convey, and the writer lacks my full attention. It seems like a lose-lose situation for both.

You use the word my frequently. That may be deliberate repetition. If so,terrific. But if that isn't deliberate, you may want to reword some of those sentences. You establish that you are the subject in the first stanza twice,so the reader doesn't need reminding after that. You could alter "my life" to something like ' life has," for example. This is all just my opinion.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I see nothing here.

Things I Like:
I enjoyed the alternating two word lines. "electric-dialectic" captured my attention and made me want to read more. The word combinations you used and the hyphen between the two attracted my attention. A word like "exciting" gets your point across, but also opens a mental door for your reader. I have my ideas and experiences that make up what I define as excitement, so I will feel that personal connection when I read the word. You make your words count. The pattern of a descriptive line followed by the action or result made the most of every word.

Other Stuff:
In lines eleven and thirteen, the rhyme of Delete and Complete seemed powerful to me. I realized that you have not only combined the words in a climactic way, but the long E sound only appears in these two words and makes them stand out.
I'm glad I read this.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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29

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#4055993

Review of Hard Rain Back Home

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi YellowRose.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Trying to survive pain and break through to the other side.

Things That Might Make It Better:
It seems to me that most of your stanzas mention something temporary, like a walk or a visit. In your second stanza you write " You can escape back" which presents a different slant. To me, escape is permanent. You may be confused, but you have accomplished this. The accomplishment is final. To then write about other methods of dealing with pain does not fit the idea in stanza two. If you wrote something like "Try to escape," the ideas would, in my opinion, mesh better than they do now.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In stanza four, you have the word pretending. The -ing verbs read better if they match each other. In other words, consider visit/pretend or visiting/ pretending. Changing breathe is optional, but it might sound nice.

I think you intended to use lose with one O instead of loose with two O's in that last stanza.

Things I Like:
I liked the idea behind the poem. This seems to be a personal pain where at least some of the anguish is psychological. You suggest many attempts to leave it behind but none really succeed, because you can't leave yourself behind. I can feel an actual human suffering behind your words, not simply ideas. The desire to escape our problems is a desire most people have, and you convey that well.

Other Stuff:
If you haven't read this poem out loud, you may consider that. My favorite line is the last one " Or you can fight for yourself in that hard rain.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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30

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#4054686

Review of The Good/Bad Day

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Tina.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Young Candice is having a bad day; her plans have gone awry.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I would like a little more physical description of Candice to make her seem more real. As a reader, details like a long ponytail or auburn hair or striped socks make it easier for me to picture Candice. If I can picture her I get more pleasure from reading the story. That's my take on it, anyway.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't know if "whisp" is an alternate spelling of the word, but I've always used "wisp" without the H. There seems to be a comma missing after "calm down," too.

Things I Like:
Candice is such a drama queen! She certainly doesn't like to be thwarted, does she? Her aggrieved attitude is funny, especially as she takes this so seriously.
You do a wonderful job of conveying her angst over the uncooperative weather. The tragic, tortured state of Candice's mind is very true to life. Nicely done. I also get the impression that her mom has had these encounters with her daughter before and now uses a "be calm and let her vent" strategy. This is a very funny read.

Other Stuff:
I really liked Candice's final wail of anguish. "Why does it have to be so beautiful this week? Why?"

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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31

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#4054409

Review of Frost in the Garden

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there, Sara.This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The beauty of frost on an autumn garden.

Things That Might Make It Better:
The mention of the vine turning brown by midday is a good image, but it might be better to put that later in the poem. It seemed abrupt to go from pink, green, and orange to the brown of death. I think that you are writing about the final colors fading as frost arrives and autumn becomes winter. You might consider omitting brown as a word, and substitute a term such as "coffee-colored."

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Is the period at the end of your third line intentional, or did you plan to put a comma there?

Things I Like:
Your description is wonderful. The opening line drew me in immediately, and made me want to read more. Using a garden to show the twilight of the year is beautifully done. You made me see the garden, not just read about it. I had a sense of not ending but winding down. The colors are almost gone and winter wants to arrive. For now, however, there is a quiet, serene beauty to the scene outside.

Other Stuff:
I usually put a favorite line or word here, but what you have written is excellent. I cannot single out one thing as a favorite, since it is all so good. I'm glad I read this poem.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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32

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#4053987

Review of Degree of Difficulty

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi there Jeff-I'-Lantern.My name is Whiskerface

and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:{/b
the excitement and pleasure of going skiing.

Things that Might Make It Better:
. I see in line two you wrote "Skiers delight." That is more general than what you wrote later about a specific person and his choices. You could put the letter A at the beginning of that line; that doesn't infer this is about skiers as a group. Alternatively, you could change your pronoun in that sentence, perhaps to "my" or "his." Just a thought.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
nothing here

Things I Like:
using the word " powder" in your first line is an excellent choice. Few people other than skiers refer to snow this way, so it sets you it the idea of skiing quickly. Your first stanza captures the feelings skiers have toward going up the mountain with phrases such as "top of the world" and "wind swirled." Actually, I'm reminded of the line from the movie TITANIC "I'm the king of the world!"

Other Stuff:
My favorite line was the last one, "Did that sign say this was a Black Diamond?"

Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!Whiskerface

33

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#4035458

Review of The Poetry Police

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there Liam. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Your approval of the new Poetry Police, since they will reduce the amount of "free" poetry out there.

Things That Might Make It Better:
in stanza one, you use the term "guard our vocabulary." It seems more of a protective idea than a corrective one. Homes and people are guarded. You are writing about improving the quality of writing, and I'm not sure that idea meshes as well as it could. You may want to rethink the word guard.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

Things I Like:
I enjoy your use of words in this poem. Constabulary, elocution, metaphor, and oxymoron are vivid, and they kept my attention throughout. Putting the word "nary" in stanza four is a nice touch,too. That is an older word and you are advocating a return to what some would consider older ways. I know you write following poetic forms, so I saw that stanza two does not appear to follow the abab pattern of the other stanzas. If that is deliberate, it adds not only to your point, but to the humor of this piece. The pattern of content attracted my attention. Stanzas one and two are about the Poetry Police, stanzas three and four about attitudes--- emotional free verse good, structured bad. Five and six about your downheartedness with the reduction of things like metaphor, hyperbole, and oxymorons. You approve of these Poetry Police so much you think they need a raise. Stanza seven finishes with advice to aspiring poets.
I found this funny, especially with "confusing commotion" and "legal complication."

Other Stuff:
My favorite line is "My ear longs to hear one more good metaphor."

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#4024280

Review of The Mouse's Escape

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi there.My name is Whiskerface

and I just read your work. Here is what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:{/b
a mouse tries to escape a house, putting himself in peril to do so.

Things that Might Make It Better:
I think your mouse needs a name. The repetition of "the mouse" doesn't engage the reader in the same way as writing about Slugger or Manfred or Swiftfoot does. Also, if you give the mouse a name, it will be easier to switch between the name and the pronouns. "Marty thought he was safe, but his tail was shaking." A little background could help this story, too. "Scrabble wished he'd never fallen in that window" for instance. Knowing how the mouse got trapped in there makes his escape more interesting. Maybe he wasn't paying attention and to escape he has to concentrate. Maybe he's fast and thought he could get away from the house quickly. Now he can use that speed to escape.

Since the cat is mentioned several times, I think a little description early on is worthwhile. Perhaps the big cat or the tomcat would work. Or the big, ugly cat---after all, the mouse is hardly going to be flattering. how old a child are you writing for? Stating that the mouse would surely die may be too blunt for a younger audience. Saying it was dangerous may be better here. Your sentence "The cat, however, had other ideas" seems unnecessary. A little rewording will eliminate that. You may want a little action with the girl, like "She screamed and backed away/ran off" the second time you mention her. You wrote "the mouse was lucky though." Several sentences later, another sentence uses though. Putting them close together may not serve you well. Maybe you could reword that. Your sentence beginning "the rain gutter was..." has four ands in it. You can break that into two sentences. A comma in there can help, too.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing I can really see.

Things I Like:
I like the idea you have about the escaping mouse. Your mouse is brave, determined, and smart. The struggles you have him encounter are believable, and I enjoyed the strength of his desire to be free. You used good, interesting words here, especially the verbs. Swooped, scurried, and scanned are examples of this. The ending was satisfying, and the detail with him gulping is vivid.

Other Stuff:
my favorite sentence was "The cat was there, yellow and fierce and mean."

Disclaimer: If I ask questions in my review, I do not expect you to answer them. That is simply my style of reviewing, not an intrusion into your personal life. Remember, this my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!Whiskerface

35

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#4023500

Review of THE BOTTLE

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Nhlanhla

My name is Whiskerface and I am a member of the Showering Acts of Joy review group. After reading your piece, here's what I have to say.

I am going to refer to this character as"you." Since she doesn't have a name, that makes it easier for me. It doesn't mean I think it is you, I just find it shorter than saying "your main character" over and over. What can I say, I'm lazy.

I think the main point is the many struggles you faced, and how you tucked yourself into a little bottle, then had trouble getting out again.

You have a lot to say here. While you have experienced a lot, you have not explained everything clearly, so it is hard for the reader to follow. For example, in paragraph three, you write "Things got going, the girl grew up," but you don't explain what that means. Did your mother get a different job, for example, or did you get old enough to understand what was going on around you? When you write that you grew up, did you mean a certain age? I think of grew up as a particular age, so I was confused when you started going through your experiences chronologically. If you are talking about growing up over time, simply putting the word as in front of "the girl grew up," will fix that. You also talk about the feeling that drove you into the bottle. Was the feeling fear? Pain? Loneliness? A mixture of feelings? Also, what is the bottle? You may consider it a place to hide, or a bottle you can't get out of, or somewhere to put your feelings. Some thing like" I started feeling lonely and afraid, and wanted a place to hide" is something you could put here. Why did you switch day care because of school fees? How far from home was your school? Did your school offer beatings?

When writing, questions really help shape your writing. Who, what, when, where, why, and how are helpful when looking over your writing. An example is your first sentence, when you answer four of these questions. This gives your reader enough information that he can keep following your story. Once you get this idea clearly in your mind, start thinking about your next group of questions. Those can be things like am I clear, does my reader have enough information, do I need detail. Often, I have to remind myself that just because I know what I'm talking about, doesn't mean people will understand it without some help. I honestly think if you look at your third paragraph and ask these questions, you will be able to see what I mean.

Please don't think I don't like what you've written. You have brought up a lot of things I needed to think about. I just feel that if you can look at one paragraph and ask these questions, you can get a better idea of how to look at every paragraph. This is a compelling subject and expressing it clearly will encourage people to read it. Many people can relate to struggling and to being afraid or hiding. I certainly can.

A few suggestions here. Give your character a name. It is hard to connect with a person who doesn't have a name. Use ages or years to help explain how much time has passed. When did you start kindergarten or high school? Some of your longer sentences could be made into shorter ones. If you have a lot of ideas in a sentence, make it into more than one sentence.

I am amazed by this story. You never gave up hope, even when it was hard to keep going. I want you to get out of this bottle and show us more of your writing, more of your talent, more of your perseverance. Your story ought to be told. If you edit this, I will read it again.

Finally, I need to tell you that when I review, I asks lot of questions. I DO NOT expect you to answer them. This is my way of thinking, and I don't expect you to tell me anything. This is all my opinion, nothing more. Take or leave anything you like. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I think you are very courageous! Keep writing! Whiskerface

36

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#4016494

Review of The Moon Loves the Sun

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Jennifer

I just read your poem The Moon Loves the Sun. Here is my review. I am in no way a professional; this is all my opinion to take or leave.

I liked your son's idea about the moon loving the sun. You made this into an enjoyable story. The details of their time together---dancing, matching reflections, and holding still to be together---helped me to picture the scene. The description of their separation was almost melancholy. Not always apart, but able to meet only briefly if joyfully. This seems sweetly sad and reflective to me.

A couple of notes. Were you using a particular poetry form? I wondered because I thought the rhyme scheme was a bit irregular. But, I know little about poetry. But for a contest, you may need to follow a recognized rhyme scheme, syllable count, or another requirement. Also, your first stanza was four lines long, while the others were three lines. I personally enjoyed this, but a contest judge may be more critical.

I'm no expert, but are two commas needed in your final line? Just a thought.

I really felt the longing the Sun and the Moon have for each other through your words. My favorite line is the last one, "For, in love, the Moon and Sun are." Keep writing! Whiskerface

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

37

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#4008090

Review of Woman Bites Dog

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
how Sarah went from an ordinary evening to a tense one when the Man Bites Dog crew stops at her house. She worries her past transgression will be discovered.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I had trouble accepting a van full of tv people showing up on her doorstep and asking for dinner. Perhaps a different reason to come inside could be used here, and then a reason for them to stay to dinner follows. I also wondered about paragraph one's chronology of the the tv crew arriving. I thought the idea of the van first being in front of her house, then noting it was in the broader setting of her neighborhood a little confusing. If you were trying to explain the van coming closer, then it is unclear. If you're simply trying to show her thoughts or state of mind, then it's successful. Actually, I think that is what you're attempting here, so just ignore everything you just read. I also think using however and though in your last sentence is repetitive and you may want to abandon one of those words.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

Things I Like:
I liked how you introduced Sarah right away, and had her in a pickle by the middle of paragraph one. I can easily imagine her wincing inwardly, hoping they would go away, and realizing she could either open the door or make them think she was crazy on top of everything else. I really wanted to know her secret. I was attracted to the story by your title and description, though I expected it to be more criminal or supernatural. I know you have listed this as drama, but I found it quite funny when I finished reading. Going back to read it over once I knew the guilty secret made it much funnier to watch her fear develop. I also found myself imagining myself in her position. I wouldn't rush to answer the door either. You described things well, using words like "ruckus" and "antics" to define your story and characters. You certainly showed Sarah's fear in the first paragraph well by using exclamation marks interspersed with questions. You employed those things well to create the suspense. Her outward calm while feeling anguished inside was a good contrast. It also made Sarah easier to imagine, since I could narrow down what kind of life she led now. She seems content to live a so-called normal life, and to leave any wildness behind.

Other Stuff:
I really enjoyed your final paragraph, especially the closing line. I am glad I read this.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

"Invalid Item"

38

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#4007733

Review of My Shadow's Design

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The emotional relationship between the shadow and the person, and the fluctuation in life circumstances that affect both.

Things That Might Make It Better:
if you eliminate "my" in the first line of stanza four, it may improve the flow.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I cannot see anything here.

Things I Like:
I like your title. It got my attention and made me look at the poem. I originally thought design meant something like shape or outline, but reading the poem made me wonder if plan or scheme was more appropriate. Maybe it's both. The way you emphasize how insubstantial your shadow is in stanza one is effective with words like whisper and trace. It made me wonder if it was firmly attached to you, or if it was precariously clinging to you. The novelty of possessing a shadow that envies you is unusual, and I liked that. It's a little strange to think about personifying a shadow, since it only exists because there is someone there to cast it. The shadow is not alive, or an object, or a body part. Yet everyone has a shadow. The idea that you become lesser through illness, and more like the shadow made me wonder if your weakness you were reduced to the same, almost withered, aspect you wrote about in stanza one.

You raised a lot a questions in my mind. How do you shine in the sun? Is this illness a recurring one or a more severe and long term ailment? Are you mentally ill? Why are you withdrawing from people? What is it like to live inside your mind after all you already achieved in a larger sphere? Do you ever recover? I particularly enjoy reading something that raises questions in my mind and you certainly achieved that. Another thing I appreciated was the method you used to show your deterioration. In stanza two, you write that you"shine in the sun," but by stanza five you tremble to look at yourself.

Other Stuff:
I wonder if your illness was in part brought on by some effort on your shadow's part. After all, your shadow has always been there, and could work indirectly. Perhaps you are delusional, and what you say about your shadow is an invention.

This poem made me think. There were many things I saw as variable, like the type of illness or the number of people being pushed away. This allows me to reach multiple conclusions depending on how I fill in the blanks. That keeps me thinking after I've read the poem and left your port. I often give a favorite part in my reviews, but everything here is top drawer, so I can't find anything that's better to point at. You are talented indeed.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#4007207

Review of The Paper

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there. This review is part of your shower from"The Grammar Garden's Gardeners"

.

After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Charlie acquires a piece of paper that gives him instructions that change his life.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I wouldn't mind a little more detail about Charlie. Two things struck me, actually. A reference to his age, such as "mid-twenties,"since you are going to chart his life. Also, how long he saw Laura for before they married is more specific. These details may make it easier for a reader to imagine Charlie. Some more detail about Charlie, like a bald spot, can also make him easier to imagine. Just a thought. You might want to think about the reason he took the paper. He thinks paper that gives him instructions is a ridiculous idea. You stated that it seemed logical to accept it from the stranger. Perhaps Charlie considered it a logical way to get this stranger to vamoose. Is that what you meant?

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

Things I Like:
I liked you introducing your character by name right away. I always like to know who I am reading about. Even though your story had a fantasy element, I didn't consider it fantasy but a very down-to-earth story. The paper had realistic limits: it only worked for him, only when he needed it, and it couldn't be commanded. The paper helped Charlie find a job and meet his future wife, the things he really needed. I also liked Charlie's strength of character. He didn't come to rely on the paper, but to take the suggestions offered and make the most of them.

Other Stuff:
I loved your final two paragraphs, especially"BUY A BLUE SUIT." That was my favorite line.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
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#4004506

Review of Not Sure?

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Gabriel Wolfgang Phoenix. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the sadness and abandonment felt by this young man, and how it resulted in him being where he is right now.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I think looking at your paragraph can help. There is a lot of information there. Looking at it from the outside, there are a lot of things you can try. What is the narrator's name? Have you named him in your head? Is he an Elmer, Jackson, Bruce, or Linden? Does he go by a nickname? Evelyn used to be a unisex name, but now we use it for girls only, so a boy with that name is an easy target for bullying or teasing. My husband actually knows a man whose name is s---head, pronounced shi-thay-ed.

Your character states he is alone, with only the moon for a friend. You actually have several nature references that you could combine here. The dying fire, the moaning trees, the silent, cold moon all can be used to underline/highlight/point out his loneliness, or how dismal his life is or has become. You explain how many things have occurred that make him lonely. Much of this can be expanded. Who was the girl?Why was he disowned? Did he ever have friends? Personally, I'd like to see these questions answered. Using something brief in your opening, such as "Once again, he was alone," can leave room for more details in later paragraphs.

He calls himself a monster. Is that literal? Is he a werewolf? Perhaps society would consider him a monster. That might make him not just lonely, but an outcast. Considering how he might be a monster could present a sharper image of him. Perhaps he thinks in black-and-white terms. You also state that he is angry all the time, that anger is the only emotion he has. Earlier on, you write that he was "sad and lonely." Maybe remembering this fuels his anger, or he is lying to himself about not feeling other emotions.

I wonder if he is trapped. The loneliness may be a prison for him, or the anger. The tall trees surrounding and dwarfing him suggest being trapped or encircled to my mind. If he is not actually trapped, he certainly is restrained.

A little activity is another suggestion. An indication of his anger fueling him could be shown this way. "He dug his knife brutally into the branch as he whittled," for example.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In sentence four, the first"she" is unnecessary.

Things I Like:
you have some great ideas here. The moon as a friend and the creaking and groaning of the trees, I particurlarly liked.your setting is a good one for the loneliness you describe, too.

Other Stuff:
"Creaking and groaning throughout the night," was my favorite sentence. Please don't give up on this. I really like it. If you change or expand it, I will read more.

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#4004354

Review of Not Sure?

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Gabriel Wolfgang Phoenix. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the sadness and abandonment felt by this young man, and how it resulted in him being where he is right now.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I think looking at your paragraph can help. There is a lot of information there. Looking at it from the outside, there are a lot of things you can try. What is the narrator's name? Have you named him in your head? Is he an Elmer, Jackson, Bruce, or Linden? Does he go by a nickname? Evelyn used to be a unisex name, but now we use it for girls only, so a boy with that name is an easy target for bullying or teasing. My husband actually knows a man whose name is s---head, pronounced shi-thay-ed.

Your character states he is alone, with only the moon for a friend. You actually have several nature references that you could combine here. The dying fire, the moaning trees, the silent, cold moon all can be used to underline/highlight/point out his loneliness, or how dismal his life is or has become. You explain how many things have occurred that make him lonely. Much of this can be expanded. Who was the girl?Why was he disowned? Did he ever have friends? Personally, I'd like to see these questions answered. Using something brief in your opening, such as "Once again, he was alone," can leave room for more details in later paragraphs.

He calls himself a monster. Is that literal? Is he a werewolf? Perhaps society would consider him a monster. That might make him not just lonely, but an outcast. Considering how he might be a monster could present a sharper image of him. Perhaps he thinks in black-and-white terms. You also state that he is angry all the time, that anger is the only emotion he has. Earlier on, you write that he was "sad and lonely." Maybe remembering this fuels his anger, or he is lying to himself about not feeling other emotions.

I wonder if he is trapped. The loneliness may be a prison for him, or the anger. The tall trees surrounding and dwarfing him suggest being trapped or encircled to my mind. If he is not actually trapped, he certainly is restrained.

A little activity is another suggestion. An indication of his anger fueling him could be shown this way. "He dug his knife brutally into the branch as he whittled," for example.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In sentence four, the first"she" is unnecessary.

Things I Like:
you have some great ideas here. The moon as a friend and the creaking and groaning of the trees, I particurlarly liked.your setting is a good one for the loneliness you describe, too.

Other Stuff:
"Creaking and groaning throughout the night," was my favorite sentence. Please don't give up on this. I really like it. If you change or expand it, I will read more.

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#4003867

Review of In My Rearview

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Dave.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
reminiscing about a lost love, remembering how something good became wrong/ruined/spoiled, finding memory and solace in the road.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I can offer no suggestions. Your poem is fine as it is.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Again, nothing.

Things I Like:
I thought the form you used was interesting. I found myself counting syllables and studying the pattern. I also enjoyed some of the phrases you used, such as "tangled up in dreams." You did a good job of conveying passage of time. I found myself filling in backstory internally, calculating how long they had been together, especially since she got a yacht out of it.

the twist at the end made a nice change from the earlier reflective tone. It was also funny, making me chuckle. Actually, I got more out of the poem rereading it, since I knew how it ended. That allowed me to focus on everything that led up to the end. Also, the question you asked in stanza four struck me as excellent, showing the progression that brought you to this point. You provided the rear view reference there, and the question gave me a better feel for the writer. Coming on the heels of " capricious rigmorale," I felt that the demise of the marriage was more her fault than his.

Other Stuff:
My favorite phrase is "capricious rigmarole."

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#4000991

Review of The Bug-Man Sting

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Mitchopolis. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Preston's determination to catch the exterminator stealing from the hotel, and his attitude that it must be Glen the Bug Guy.

Things That Might Make It Better:
You may want to rethink the mention of room 372 in your second paragraph. I felt the difference in the numbers was a little distracting. Going from the fifth floor to the third back to the fifth again broke the flow of your point, in my humble opinion.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
there are a couple of places that may benefit from a comma, such as in paragraph three. "From his pocket, sliding" seems to flow a bit better.

Things I Like:
Well, I really liked Preston. He strikes me as someone who is immature. His resentment toward Glen is based on eighth grade beard growth. He also seems to be someone who needs to get a date, a life, or both. He thinks he's doing the right thing, but I think he has no idea how be looks to outsiders. With no actual evidence, he decided Glen was a thief, stole from a hotel guest ( really? I thought he was trying to stop theft?) . He set a trap to catch Glen. This is a man who has watched too many cop shows, you know? This was a fun read and a novel idea for a story. I thought this was funny, too.

Other Stuff:
I wondered if Preston is jealous of Glen. Glen has his own business, and probably decent looks, while Preston has a job as a bellboy. favorite line was "Okay
Pesticide
Prince, spread eagle on the wall!"

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#3996709

Review of The Valley at Night

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Angels in my Ear.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Standing above the city, alone, reflecting on one you love.

Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza two, you repeat the word could, in lines one and two. Since they are so close, with one above the other, a reader may become distracted. Rewording one line may help with that. In stanza three, you begin your first line with "But instead," which struck me as repetitive.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Nothing I can see.

Things I Like:
You describe the writer's relationship with the darkness well. Your first stanza describes the cold and unwelcoming night. The use of diamonds and rubies, hard and unfeeling, coupled with hard, unfeeling electricity, is vivid. It becomes richer after reading the entirety of the poem. In stanza three, I liked the contrast between how you once felt about the night,and how you see it now. It almost seems an alien thing when you switch from "welcoming" to only reflecting darkness, blackness. I like the brevity of your final stanza.

Other Stuff:
From your poem, I envision a woman from a high point in a city, looking down to her loss or past with someone she loved but the relationship is damaged, if not broken. Someone craving that person's presence, but now isolated from it. She too, appears cold on the outside, but inside there is a pain that does not ease or fade. Perhaps night makes this more intense. I thought the couplet " now reflect only the darkness and add black to blackness,"was striking.

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#3996211

Review of Visual Poetry

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi StoryMistress. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
The writer's description of those things that make up Writing.com.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I can't see anything I can recommend here, and I looked repeatedly.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
nothing here

Things I Like:
I like the shape of the poem, since it really shows that love encapsulates all the descriptions in the poem. I also liked that "reading" and "writing" were placed at the top, and "home"at the bottom. To me, it seemed that those words had more weight to them, and more meaning for you, because of their placement. This also goes along with the multiple fonts used in your poem. Beginning at the top, I counted twelve fonts before one repeated. Along with the shape of your poem, this was very visually appealing to me. The shape of your poem also allowed my eyes to skip from word to word and combine them in ways that a list structure wouldn't permit. I liked the freedom in that, since I can use it for a thought exercise.

Other Stuff:
Some of the words in your poem can be used in two ways. "Amazing" is a verb and an adjective, while "authors" is a verb and a noun. I don't know if that was deliberate, but it made me think. On a personal note, I think "generous" is also a great descriptor for this site.

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#3995277

Review of Down On the Farm

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Dave.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
About the pleasure brought about by returning to the farm of your younger days, and leaving your current big-city life behind for a weekend.

Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza two, the flow might be improved by putting the couplet about your penthouse first. I felt the break that mentioned the penthouse drew my mind away from the discussion of breakfast, and I didn't get the most I could have out of that stanza.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I couldn't see any problems.

Things I Like:
I like the idea behind the poem. Reading about taking a break and returning to a more straightforward time, with a less strident way of life, appealed to me. I like to get away and have a less rushed/stressful/anxious time, so this was relatable for me. I think you did well conveying the satisfaction? The speaker has with his weekend. I especially liked details about nine ball and Conway Twitty. That's probably because I don't find it as obviously a part of farming as tilling and collecting eggs. The juxtaposition of the relaxed social time against the return to NYC reinforces that well.

Other Stuff:
stanza two made me hungry!

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#3989709

Review of Poem : Reading

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Red Rose. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
that everyone should read, and read often. That there are many good reasons to read.

Things That Might Make It Better:
In stanza four, your first line contains six syllables. That is the only line with six---all the other lines are four or five syllables. I think this breaks up the flow of your poem. Also, if you think literacy is important for everyone, then recommending reading instead of a video game and discussing grades dropping is too narrow an example. Many people are no longer in school.
If this is intended for young people, then it is fine.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I don't see anything here.

Things I Like:
I like the energy and enthusiasm you have in this piece. Your pleasure in reading and your desire to have everyone read and share that pleasure shows through plainly. When reading, I could hear the rhythm in my head. I also liked the repetition tying the first stanza to the last.

Other Stuff:
I like your lightheartedness in this poem. Also, the line "read a whole crate" appealed to me, since I could imagine what the crate looked like. The notion of me reading a poem about reading is a little funny. (And here I am, writing a review for you to read, about how I felt when reading what you wrote about reading. My head hurts.)

if you haven't read this out loud, you might consider it. Maybe it could give you a sense of whether it needs work or not. I'm not saying you should, just that if you try it at some point, if you decide to alter it, this could help. I really enjoyed this, Red Rose.

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#3989605

Review of My Quiet House

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi G.B. Williams. This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
it is about your house, which is less of a house and more of a home, especially for your spirit.

Things That Might Make It Better:
Reordering your paragraphs could improve the flow of your piece. Paragraphs three and seven address related ideas, and so do paragraphs four and six. The idea may become clearer to a reader if you did that. Also, you establish the idea of it being your quiet house well enough that you can find synonyms, such as home or dwelling, solitary or calm. My mind wandered a bit when seeing so much of the same words.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see anything.

Things I Like:
I like the idea of your house being a place of peace and serenity. It sounds like a welcoming place, very inviting. Since you spoke of prayer, perhaps you even see some sacredness in that place of quiet.

Other Stuff:
I enjoyed reading about your home and I'm glad you shared something personal about your relationship with a place.That made it stand out to me. It was easy for me to relate to as I lived in the same house for twenty-eight years, and have emotions about that house myself.

this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ Rejoice always!

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#3985413

Review of Who Is The Master

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi spacecat.This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group" ! After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the way Venus assures us that he is in charge, not that silly, deluded human. Venus is very satisfied with his mastery over the house.

Things That Might Make It Better:
I like this, but if you could give an example of Venus' mastery, it might add to the point. Perhaps different tactics he uses, or something he achieved using his catly wiles.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
in poetry, each line begins with a capital letter.

Things I Like:
I really enjoyed Venus. The focus was definitely on him, and the way he describes the human with little use of detail shows how little the cat seems to think he's worth. Venus reminds me of cats everywhere, and certainly of my own four. I think the line "I think he knows that I love him/But I cannot let him win" is my favorite. Venus, after all, does care about his human, even though he has no plans to offer success. Rather like not letting a child win a game if they play poorly.

Other Stuff:
I may have noticed punctuation missteps. One of my favorite resources for this is: http://www.dailywritingtips.com. Sorry, I don't know how to make it a link.

Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group (E)
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#3984418

Review of Post Apocalypse

Review by Whiskerfacebyth...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello sageivy03

My name is Whiskerface, and I've been reading your work-in progress Post Apocalyse. I'm also a member of Showering Acts of Joy, a review group. Everything I write is my opinion,nothing more.

Chapter one does a good job of using Dusty's attitude and ideas to outline not only what she's like but also to give background for her setting, with abandoned cars and hopeless people everywhere she looks. The pain of her parent's suicide is apparent, and Max's remark about her bitterness is spot-on. She has become hard in the past year, but not as completely as she'd like to believe. Her plan to find her brother, her one remaining family member, is really no different than the people around her believing that this will end soon. She also left Max a gun and tried to smile at him, shows she is not emotionally dead, only damaged.

The way you introduced Max was interesting,because he initially seemed tough,trying to take her on, but turned out to be much softer around the edges than Dusty, a nice contrast. Tough girl, good-hearted boy. Max's determination is the equal of hers, though, and she makes herself tolerate him until he finally leaves.

chapter two is told from Max's perspective. I like the idea of swapping between narrators, by the way. Max begins by thinking about Dusty and her personality. He is obviously intrigued by her and would like to know more. I want to know how this potential relationship will play out. Max's emotions seemed a little les confined
To the immediate needs of life, with remarks about girls being complicated and even the things that are immediately there might have been present in a normal teenage life, such as wanting to be free. Kristof echoes some of this attitude too. I thought Max's reflection on how he hated his dad's thrift made me think his dad was a practical man but seeing his response when he learned about Dusty, and his insistence that she be brought to him for questioning revealed a ruthless edge to his character. For his survival, and that of others, he is as willing to use and take from Dusty as she is toward others. He considers it justifiable. Maybe it is, but he seems to have decided he's a leader, and his leadership style is the ends justifies the means. This is also shown by him sending Max out to see if he can find someone to question. Max's response to his dad is conflicted and he sees the ethical problem. Kristof seems to be capable of understanding both arguments, and offers to meet Dusty. That seems like a true act of friendship and I can see the friendship between them being a close one.

Chapter Three showed Dusty in a less harsh and self-centered light. She actually was thinking about Max, and seemed to be curious about him and even have a bit of positive feeling for him, by recognizing Max could have beaten her yesterday if he'd been prepared. She has been isolated for so long, human contact with someone decent seems to have thrown her for a loop. When she met Max again, she stopped for him, something she wouldn't have done the day before. Dusty is suspicious of Max now, but still goes with him to be bandaged, so he must have seemed trustworthy enough by her standards. I liked the exchange between Dusty and Max while he bandaged her hand tenderly and thought her insight about him being a doctor showed a real understanding of either him or human nature.

I enjoyed this piece. Dusty and Max are not predictable. I was surprised to find Max's family still intact,down to his best friend whom I'm assuming was also his friend before the apocalypse . In chapter two I particularly liked the phrase " like tiny knives driving into my skin."

I noticed some punctuation missteps with commas and the occasional hyphen. One resource for this is: http://dailywritingtips.com.this site covers a lot of punctuation information. I would like to see more information about the mutation, and how people reacted. I think it would make a real difference in grasping how dismal life now is for people. How life was before, what happened, how long did it take for people to realize the problem, why is there so much death and destruction. When you wrote about the first meeting between Dusty and Max, you said that Dusty's eyes met a green and brown set. I was confused by this, and wondered if you meant one green eye and one brown eye. You might clarify that.

I enjoyed your story and hope you continue with it. The notion of a mutation in gasoline is unusual---no war or disease---for an apocalyptic story. It's a change I appreciate. A very good story. Thank you for sharing it with me. Whiskerface

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .