Hello Wrath.of.Khan
I just finished reading Samount Gagarin v2. I enjoyed your story. August, in some ways, seems typical, such as his shyness around Julie. But you establish early on that he is nothing of the sort. His obsessive counting of the birds and salt grains helps reveal that. A Podunk town in New Mexico with a military base as a major employer appealed to me. It's offbeat enough to fit the character's personality. August seems like someone who can get lost not just in his thoughts, but inside his own mind. The truly high I.Q. Types tend toward a little weirdness, and so do scientists, so that works well in August.
I enjoyed Julie, and I think she is amiable without being dull. She has spirit, intelligence,and humor. Dr. Gagar seems to be, if not precisely remote, a step removed from everything around him. I like that, and I hope you expand on his character. I want to know if that truly changes once they get away from there.
You used some delightful description that really caught my notice. " the bacon has the lightest crisp" "lost in the orchestral sounds of the clattering silver" "librarian-framed glasses." I really could hear the clatter and see the glasses. I enjoyed the glasses by the way. A nice touch.
I was struck by August's description of the Professor as having "longish white hair" and a "brownish sweater". For someone so naturally precise, August appears to have trouble clearly describing this man, even though he is deliberately studying him. Was this intentional? Just wondering.
Yes, I liked the twist, and no, it wasn't too obvious, unless you're the kind of person who looks for anagrams in names.
I am a picky person, so keep that in mind. Paragraph one uses the phrase "enough empty space." Since enough is a relative term, you may consider a more descriptive term such as "plenty" or "considerable." Also, a coo a after the word door may improve that sentence. In paragraph four, you talk about a "saratoga" quirk. In paragraph two, the term "saratogan"is used. Since the quirk is about people, not the town, saratogan may be a better choice.
Another thing I noticed is how you qualified things in your story. For August, it works well. But for describing the government installation in paragraph two, omitting an adverb, such as " usually" or "relatively"or "mostly", might improve the description. If you did this to later suggest something hidden or furtive or secret about this place, I am definitely barking up the wrong tree. But I don't know what you're going to write next, so I can only judge by what I see.
Now. Aren't you glad I'm quitting this paragraph-by-paragraph thing? If I were getting this review, I'd be thrilled. But...your story is excellent. I truly enjoyed it. You know that science fiction is more about the characters than the science. Your writing reflects that, and I really, really, want to read more of this. It is terrific! Very engaging. Please keep writing, you have talent. Whiskerface |