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182 Public Reviews Given
188 Total Reviews Given
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Bonnie, House Stark.This is a review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
Ana's urgency to get home and prepare for the party; her interlude with the Lexus couple

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
The repeated use of shorter phrases seemed a little choppy to me. I found it somewhat distracting. Perhaps a few more connecting words, such as "because" or "and" may help.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
there were a couple of instances where you didn't close quotation marks.

*Star*Things I Like:
I liked Ana. She seemed intelligent, and determined to do the right thing, whether it's hosting the new neighbor gathering, checking in with her husband, or trying not to look at the couple in the Lexus. She kept what happened on the freeway behind her, and moved on to what was needed next.

*Star* Other Stuff:
this is a fun idea, I liked it very much. My favorite line was " I imagined you blond."

*Star* this review is part of your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.


*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
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Review of Who Is The Master  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1653768 Unavailable **


Hi spacecat.This is a review from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *Smile* After reading your work,here's what I have to say.

*Star*The Heart of the Story/Poem:
the way Venus assures us that he is in charge, not that silly, deluded human. Venus is very satisfied with his mastery over the house.

*Star*Things That Might Make It Better:
I like this, but if you could give an example of Venus' mastery, it might add to the point. Perhaps different tactics he uses, or something he achieved using his catly wiles.

*Star*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
in poetry, each line begins with a capital letter.

*Star*Things I Like:
I really enjoyed Venus. The focus was definitely on him, and the way he describes the human with little use of detail shows how little the cat seems to think he's worth. Venus reminds me of cats everywhere, and certainly of my own four. I think the line "I think he knows that I love him/But I cannot let him win" is my favorite. Venus, after all, does care about his human, even though he has no plans to offer success. Rather like not letting a child win a game if they play poorly.

*Star* Other Stuff:
I may have noticed punctuation missteps. One of my favorite resources for this is: http://www.dailywritingtips.com. Sorry, I don't know how to make it a link.

*Exclaimv*Remember, this is my opinion, nothing more. Thank you for sharing your work with me. Keep writing!

Whiskerface*Cat2*

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#1499415 by Not Available.

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello sageivy03

My name is Whiskerface, and I've been reading your work-in progress Post Apocalyse. I'm also a member of Showering Acts of Joy, a review group. Everything I write is my opinion,nothing more.

Chapter one does a good job of using Dusty's attitude and ideas to outline not only what she's like but also to give background for her setting, with abandoned cars and hopeless people everywhere she looks. The pain of her parent's suicide is apparent, and Max's remark about her bitterness is spot-on. She has become hard in the past year, but not as completely as she'd like to believe. Her plan to find her brother, her one remaining family member, is really no different than the people around her believing that this will end soon. She also left Max a gun and tried to smile at him, shows she is not emotionally dead, only damaged.

The way you introduced Max was interesting,because he initially seemed tough,trying to take her on, but turned out to be much softer around the edges than Dusty, a nice contrast. Tough girl, good-hearted boy. Max's determination is the equal of hers, though, and she makes herself tolerate him until he finally leaves.

chapter two is told from Max's perspective. I like the idea of swapping between narrators, by the way. Max begins by thinking about Dusty and her personality. He is obviously intrigued by her and would like to know more. I want to know how this potential relationship will play out. Max's emotions seemed a little les confined
To the immediate needs of life, with remarks about girls being complicated and even the things that are immediately there might have been present in a normal teenage life, such as wanting to be free. Kristof echoes some of this attitude too. I thought Max's reflection on how he hated his dad's thrift made me think his dad was a practical man but seeing his response when he learned about Dusty, and his insistence that she be brought to him for questioning revealed a ruthless edge to his character. For his survival, and that of others, he is as willing to use and take from Dusty as she is toward others. He considers it justifiable. Maybe it is, but he seems to have decided he's a leader, and his leadership style is the ends justifies the means. This is also shown by him sending Max out to see if he can find someone to question. Max's response to his dad is conflicted and he sees the ethical problem. Kristof seems to be capable of understanding both arguments, and offers to meet Dusty. That seems like a true act of friendship and I can see the friendship between them being a close one.

Chapter Three showed Dusty in a less harsh and self-centered light. She actually was thinking about Max, and seemed to be curious about him and even have a bit of positive feeling for him, by recognizing Max could have beaten her yesterday if he'd been prepared. She has been isolated for so long, human contact with someone decent seems to have thrown her for a loop. When she met Max again, she stopped for him, something she wouldn't have done the day before. Dusty is suspicious of Max now, but still goes with him to be bandaged, so he must have seemed trustworthy enough by her standards. I liked the exchange between Dusty and Max while he bandaged her hand tenderly and thought her insight about him being a doctor showed a real understanding of either him or human nature.

I enjoyed this piece. Dusty and Max are not predictable. I was surprised to find Max's family still intact,down to his best friend whom I'm assuming was also his friend before the apocalypse . In chapter two I particularly liked the phrase " like tiny knives driving into my skin."

I noticed some punctuation missteps with commas and the occasional hyphen. One resource for this is: http://dailywritingtips.com.this site covers a lot of punctuation information. I would like to see more information about the mutation, and how people reacted. I think it would make a real difference in grasping how dismal life now is for people. How life was before, what happened, how long did it take for people to realize the problem, why is there so much death and destruction. When you wrote about the first meeting between Dusty and Max, you said that Dusty's eyes met a green and brown set. I was confused by this, and wondered if you meant one green eye and one brown eye. You might clarify that.

I enjoyed your story and hope you continue with it. The notion of a mutation in gasoline is unusual---no war or disease---for an apocalyptic story. It's a change I appreciate. A very good story. Thank you for sharing it with me. Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Seriously funny. Seriously engaging. Seriously good idea. Seriously began to lose concentration after the repetition of the word serious. Maybe reading it out loud would let you see if it works the way you want. I liked this poem. Keep writing! Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Bad Day Blues  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Dorianne

I really enjoyed your poem Bad Day Blues. I can really identify with that mom and I can hear her tone in your words. I think she's caught in a whirl of emotions, part "does counting to ten really work?" Part "hang in there, since you don't really have a choice" , part "Where's my Fairy Godmother?" At least that's what it sounded like to me. I liked the ending, where she descends on her own mother for help. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Review of Fancy Dress  Open in new Window.
for entry "Angua" Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I. Really liked reading Angua's view of Carrot. He is a bit overwhelming sometimes. There have to be flaws somewhere. I really liked that Angua's wanted him to be more human. I mean, she's a werewolf! Anyway, as a Pratchett fan, I really enjoyed this. Whiskerface
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Review of To The Broken  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Silent Writer

I just finished reading To The Broken. It made me think,since I have suffered depression myself and had a point of comparison. Your willingness to offer support to the broken, the suffering, is shown clearly. The repetition of to and to the helps hold the ideas together. I also liked how you connected your opening sentence to the final stanza. I also liked the phrase stains on their souls. Stains can be lasting, they can fade, possibly go away. They are a degrading of someone/something but not an actual injury. So, yes,I really liked that.

Okay. In stanza three, I am not sure what you are asking by the question but why? If you are intending to answer that in the next stanza, the approach to the in the following line seems like a change of subject. If it is a change of subject, then the question at the end of stanza three seems isolated and confusing and even irrelevant. If you are trying to connect the ideas, it does not seem successful to me. Actually, the final line of stanza three may actually lead into stanza five more smoothly. Just a thought.

In stanza four, the repetition of the word might is confusing and I do a double take each time I read it. The use of might as the final word in one line followed by putting it first in the following means that I needed to reread that several times to sort out what definition is intended to make your point work. Also, in stanza four,did you mean to use scares or scars?

In stanza seven, I really thought your use of quotation marks to give the broken ones a voice and define their outlook was a good idea. It added I don't know, action, vitality, maybe a willingness to do something, to try, to continue,in opposition to those who simply insist on forcing happiness. I do think that those people advocating happiness are not trying to understand, only wanting to see their desires met. Yet the broken are trying, which, in a sense, makes them people who are moving forward, instead of those who simply want peace conformity,an end to hearing about it, something like that. Oh, and in stanza five , the idea of being happy as a complaint caught my interest,and really connects well to stanza seven.

In stanza eight, them might not be the best word choice. Have you considered using those or they? Though I'm not sure if they is grammatically correct.

The two line stanza at the end sums up your point strongly and probably is better for being brief.

I really liked this poem. I hope I do not seem too critical, but I like to explain my reasoning, not just say " fix this". Well done. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Review of A Witch's Scorn  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello BScholl

I read your story A Witch's Scorn, and it was a fun read. Measma is definitely a woman who doesn't put up with nonsense, and she obviously enjoyed creating her concoction. I almost----but not quite---feel sorry for her opponent. I cannot see anything that needs to be changed. The red hair adds to the idea of Measma being dangerous to offend, though. I enjoyed this story. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Robert

Hello. I just finished reading your essay The Sky Was Never the Limit. I must tell you that I found it an excellent discussion of Science Fiction as literature. Actually, I enjoyed it not only because of the subject, but also that you made it appealing for those who don't have a huge interest in Science Fiction. I read a lot of Fantasy ( Mercedes Lackey, Cinda Williams Chima, et al.) and mysteries, but I do see your point about exploration.

You also made me laugh. Captain Squarejaw was a great image, and the remark the L. Ron Hubbard, before he founded Scientology, wrote Science Fiction, was a nice touch.

This is a well-written, fun read. Thanks for sharing it with me. Whiskerface
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Review of Living in Love  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello JazzyTay

I just finished Living in Love and I like what you wrote about Jesus. The examples you used were concrete. I also liked your call to display compassion to others. Your description of Jesus is accessible and I think that is true whether you believe in Jesus or not. Sometimes I feel that some people get so caught up in details,that the essence, the simplicity, of Jesus' teaching is buried under more ordinary concerns. I appreciate you writing about the "big picture."

If you are writing for an audience of people who are familiar with the Bible, then I can see no changes that really need to be made. Otherwise, you may consider a bit of detail about some of your examples, such as stating that Jesus would not be expected to even speak to the Samaritan woman. Just a thought. I would really like to see more of this, if you think you have more to say. Good work, and Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Angus

I just finished reading your story Be Good to Your Muse, and it made me chuckle. Quex appears to need an attitude adjustment. I cannot see you having a lot of success with that problem, unfortunately. The segment of the story where he's reading what you write as it happens was funny. Actually, it all was funny. I could read more of this, I really could.

Now, because I can be picky, there is a small item that I will mention. When you wrote about Quex's ideas being good, bad, or absurd, that was a three item list. You used the word 'latter' to refer to the absurd idea in the next sentence, but 'latter'is meant to be used when comparing two items. Like I said, I'm picky. That is a pet peeve of mine, along with 'either/or' being used to compare three things. So, please keep this in mind as you read this. Great story, fun idea, I liked the characters. Keep writing! Whiskerface.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello vlm0325

I just finished reading your story "No More Softball for You!" I thought Tori was a great character. I really felt bad about the way her father wanted to deny her softball and was rooting for her throughout the story. The coach showed Tori that some adults did care about her and her problems, and her mother sticking up for her at the end was a good conclusion. It was nice to see that her mother did care and she did notice Tori's efforts. I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello GaelicQueen

I really liked your story about Lily. I can imagine the hope she has for some cookie dough and the idea of swiping some occurring to her. It was a sweet piece and I saw my own dog in Lily. Keep writing! Whiskerface.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rusty

I really enjoyed Can We Play in the Rain. The energy and enthusiasm of the boy comes right through, and the phrase 'half-toothless grin' really told me how joyful he was at the idea. The list of things they found to do, and things to play at and pretend really showed the spirit of delight these kids had. Truly terrific poem, Rusty. Keep writing!
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Funny. I liked the description of the leprechaun banging and pulling and swearing. The conclusion with Fort Knox is a good twist. I liked this. Keep writing!
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Review of Green With Envy  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello

This was an accessible story for me. The introductory sentence definitely pointed to skiing as the activity, and the multiple verbs such as pivoted and cocked I think, carried on the idea of action even though the jump was complete. The dialogue that followed was believable as a coach and athlete would talk. The coach appeared to be a man who wastes neither words nor time. Simon appears cocky and a little smug. To me that suggests adolescence or not yet outgrown adolescent attitudes. It may also show skiing as a major part of Simon's life, to the detriment of some social graces.
I may have been influenced by the verb cocked in paragraphs 1 and 3. Was that a deliberate effort to suggest cockiness? I like it.

The coach appears a steady influence against Simon's attitude. The coach knows Simon has real competition and the details about Innsbruck, Greg being pulled early, and the fact that his qualifications are a real reason for concern.Greg's appearance after the jump shows a man comfortable with something. Maybe with his showing, or one-upsmanship over Simon, or perhaps just with living inside his own skin. That relates to the grin in the next sentence.

after seeing Greg's face, Simon is startled by his green skin. Oh, I liked the phrase "verdant cheekbones.' Anyway, Simon is so startled, he asks his coach for verification. Since Simon did not care about the facts the coach was presenting to him one minute earlier, this is a definite shift in attitude. The coach continues to view Greg in terms of ability and performance, while Simon notices the increase in green-toned people around him.

Simon needs to better his results, and resents the ease with which the Greens dominate his sport. Understandable, really, since things he needs to work at, such as maintaining his weight are problems that don't exist for the Greens. Simon's efforts are stretched more, yet the Green, Greg, easily overmatches him with little effort. The coach may be disturbed with his mutter, but stays in character as he continues to focus on results.

Simon's arrogance after the first jump is replaced by frustration. His description of the greens as abominations is strong, but mitigated by chlorophyll being employed as a performance- enhancing drug. Actually, the final sentence makes Simon appear less immature and more legitimately concerned with his chances.

A note: you may want to consider a hyphen in the phrases ever-familiar in paragraph 7 and performance-enhancing in your final sentence. I can't think of anything else. But I really liked this chapter. Keep writing!
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Review of Off-White Pearls  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello

I think this is a good poem. I am only fair at understanding poetry, but your point is clear to me. The relationship dynamics are easy to grasp. The simple language makes the story stand out more. You may want to reconsider the second comma in stanza 2. Nice work. Keep writing!
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello

I really like this idea. Chuck seems like a typical teen, with nothing special to recommend him, like living in a dystopian, or being on a drug his entire life and not knowing why. It makes a nice change from of the excellently written books out there already. I enjoyed the attitude Chuck had toward a little mild mischief. When his parents weren't home or changing his body size for fun. I would read more of this. Keep writing!
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Review of The Bishop's Son  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello
I just read your story. The opening sentence phrased as a prophecy caught my attention. In paragraph 3,I liked the idea of destroying all obscure locations in the land. I also liked Khyle, especially in paragraph 5,when he felt ashamed. Also, the follow-up on the loss of Khyle's eye was good at connecting earlier times in his life to his confrontation with his father. I particularly enjoyed the word cycloptic in paragraph 8.

The use of the word knew was a bit repetitive. Perhaps realized, understood, concluded, etc. might work in a couple of those places. Just a thought. There were several phrases that I had trouble clearly understanding. In paragraph 4, an undersized journey, and in paragraph 8, cater the notion. I am very literal-minded, so perhaps it's just me.

Not to be nitpicking, but it may read better to replace nothing's in your final sentence with nothing is. To my mind, that adds a little weight to the sentence. Finally, in paragraph 8, you could probably lose the second he. But I did enjoy the story--- I like fantasy--- and I hope I didn't dwell on the negative. I'm new to this reviewing thing. But good story, good idea. Keep writing!
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Review of Return Trip  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece was an interesting read. The discouragement of Samuel comes through,

but at no time did I feel he was completely cynical. The suggestion that Samuel was

Sent by heaven( St. peter ) was there for me. In paragraph two, the phrase " Charlie-

Brown like" caught my attention. I did wonder if you intended the comma in paragraph

Six after the word innocent. Perhaps removing the comma would alter the meaning

Slightly alter the meaning? Does it currently reflect your point properly? I enjoyed this

I have also forgotten things I should remember, so it was satisfying to see Samuel

Realize his error.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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