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51
Rated: E | (3.5)
Seriously funny. Seriously engaging. Seriously good idea. Seriously began to lose concentration after the repetition of the word serious. Maybe reading it out loud would let you see if it works the way you want. I liked this poem. Keep writing! Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Samount Gugar v2  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Wrath.of.Khan

I just finished reading Samount Gagarin v2. I enjoyed your story. August, in some ways, seems typical, such as his shyness around Julie. But you establish early on that he is nothing of the sort. His obsessive counting of the birds and salt grains helps reveal that. A Podunk town in New Mexico with a military base as a major employer appealed to me. It's offbeat enough to fit the character's personality. August seems like someone who can get lost not just in his thoughts, but inside his own mind. The truly high I.Q. Types tend toward a little weirdness, and so do scientists, so that works well in August.

I enjoyed Julie, and I think she is amiable without being dull. She has spirit, intelligence,and humor. Dr. Gagar seems to be, if not precisely remote, a step removed from everything around him. I like that, and I hope you expand on his character. I want to know if that truly changes once they get away from there.

You used some delightful description that really caught my notice. " the bacon has the lightest crisp" "lost in the orchestral sounds of the clattering silver" "librarian-framed glasses." I really could hear the clatter and see the glasses. I enjoyed the glasses by the way. A nice touch.

I was struck by August's description of the Professor as having "longish white hair" and a "brownish sweater". For someone so naturally precise, August appears to have trouble clearly describing this man, even though he is deliberately studying him. Was this intentional? Just wondering.

Yes, I liked the twist, and no, it wasn't too obvious, unless you're the kind of person who looks for anagrams in names.

I am a picky person, so keep that in mind. Paragraph one uses the phrase "enough empty space." Since enough is a relative term, you may consider a more descriptive term such as "plenty" or "considerable." Also, a coo a after the word door may improve that sentence. In paragraph four, you talk about a "saratoga" quirk. In paragraph two, the term "saratogan"is used. Since the quirk is about people, not the town, saratogan may be a better choice.

Another thing I noticed is how you qualified things in your story. For August, it works well. But for describing the government installation in paragraph two, omitting an adverb, such as " usually" or "relatively"or "mostly", might improve the description. If you did this to later suggest something hidden or furtive or secret about this place, I am definitely barking up the wrong tree. But I don't know what you're going to write next, so I can only judge by what I see.

Now. Aren't you glad I'm quitting this paragraph-by-paragraph thing? If I were getting this review, I'd be thrilled. But...your story is excellent. I truly enjoyed it. You know that science fiction is more about the characters than the science. Your writing reflects that, and I really, really, want to read more of this. It is terrific! Very engaging. Please keep writing, you have talent. Whiskerface


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Bad Day Blues  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Dorianne

I really enjoyed your poem Bad Day Blues. I can really identify with that mom and I can hear her tone in your words. I think she's caught in a whirl of emotions, part "does counting to ten really work?" Part "hang in there, since you don't really have a choice" , part "Where's my Fairy Godmother?" At least that's what it sounded like to me. I liked the ending, where she descends on her own mother for help. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Review of Fancy Dress  
for entry "Angua" 
Rated: E | (4.0)
I. Really liked reading Angua's view of Carrot. He is a bit overwhelming sometimes. There have to be flaws somewhere. I really liked that Angua's wanted him to be more human. I mean, she's a werewolf! Anyway, as a Pratchett fan, I really enjoyed this. Whiskerface
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Review of To The Broken  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Silent Writer

I just finished reading To The Broken. It made me think,since I have suffered depression myself and had a point of comparison. Your willingness to offer support to the broken, the suffering, is shown clearly. The repetition of to and to the helps hold the ideas together. I also liked how you connected your opening sentence to the final stanza. I also liked the phrase stains on their souls. Stains can be lasting, they can fade, possibly go away. They are a degrading of someone/something but not an actual injury. So, yes,I really liked that.

Okay. In stanza three, I am not sure what you are asking by the question but why? If you are intending to answer that in the next stanza, the approach to the in the following line seems like a change of subject. If it is a change of subject, then the question at the end of stanza three seems isolated and confusing and even irrelevant. If you are trying to connect the ideas, it does not seem successful to me. Actually, the final line of stanza three may actually lead into stanza five more smoothly. Just a thought.

In stanza four, the repetition of the word might is confusing and I do a double take each time I read it. The use of might as the final word in one line followed by putting it first in the following means that I needed to reread that several times to sort out what definition is intended to make your point work. Also, in stanza four,did you mean to use scares or scars?

In stanza seven, I really thought your use of quotation marks to give the broken ones a voice and define their outlook was a good idea. It added I don't know, action, vitality, maybe a willingness to do something, to try, to continue,in opposition to those who simply insist on forcing happiness. I do think that those people advocating happiness are not trying to understand, only wanting to see their desires met. Yet the broken are trying, which, in a sense, makes them people who are moving forward, instead of those who simply want peace conformity,an end to hearing about it, something like that. Oh, and in stanza five , the idea of being happy as a complaint caught my interest,and really connects well to stanza seven.

In stanza eight, them might not be the best word choice. Have you considered using those or they? Though I'm not sure if they is grammatically correct.

The two line stanza at the end sums up your point strongly and probably is better for being brief.

I really liked this poem. I hope I do not seem too critical, but I like to explain my reasoning, not just say " fix this". Well done. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Review of A Witch's Scorn  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello BScholl

I read your story A Witch's Scorn, and it was a fun read. Measma is definitely a woman who doesn't put up with nonsense, and she obviously enjoyed creating her concoction. I almost----but not quite---feel sorry for her opponent. I cannot see anything that needs to be changed. The red hair adds to the idea of Measma being dangerous to offend, though. I enjoyed this story. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Robert

Hello. I just finished reading your essay The Sky Was Never the Limit. I must tell you that I found it an excellent discussion of Science Fiction as literature. Actually, I enjoyed it not only because of the subject, but also that you made it appealing for those who don't have a huge interest in Science Fiction. I read a lot of Fantasy ( Mercedes Lackey, Cinda Williams Chima, et al.) and mysteries, but I do see your point about exploration.

You also made me laugh. Captain Squarejaw was a great image, and the remark the L. Ron Hubbard, before he founded Scientology, wrote Science Fiction, was a nice touch.

This is a well-written, fun read. Thanks for sharing it with me. Whiskerface
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Review of Living in Love  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello JazzyTay

I just finished Living in Love and I like what you wrote about Jesus. The examples you used were concrete. I also liked your call to display compassion to others. Your description of Jesus is accessible and I think that is true whether you believe in Jesus or not. Sometimes I feel that some people get so caught up in details,that the essence, the simplicity, of Jesus' teaching is buried under more ordinary concerns. I appreciate you writing about the "big picture."

If you are writing for an audience of people who are familiar with the Bible, then I can see no changes that really need to be made. Otherwise, you may consider a bit of detail about some of your examples, such as stating that Jesus would not be expected to even speak to the Samaritan woman. Just a thought. I would really like to see more of this, if you think you have more to say. Good work, and Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Angus

I just finished reading your story Be Good to Your Muse, and it made me chuckle. Quex appears to need an attitude adjustment. I cannot see you having a lot of success with that problem, unfortunately. The segment of the story where he's reading what you write as it happens was funny. Actually, it all was funny. I could read more of this, I really could.

Now, because I can be picky, there is a small item that I will mention. When you wrote about Quex's ideas being good, bad, or absurd, that was a three item list. You used the word 'latter' to refer to the absurd idea in the next sentence, but 'latter'is meant to be used when comparing two items. Like I said, I'm picky. That is a pet peeve of mine, along with 'either/or' being used to compare three things. So, please keep this in mind as you read this. Great story, fun idea, I liked the characters. Keep writing! Whiskerface.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello vlm0325

I just finished reading your story "No More Softball for You!" I thought Tori was a great character. I really felt bad about the way her father wanted to deny her softball and was rooting for her throughout the story. The coach showed Tori that some adults did care about her and her problems, and her mother sticking up for her at the end was a good conclusion. It was nice to see that her mother did care and she did notice Tori's efforts. I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing! Whiskerface
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello GaelicQueen

I really liked your story about Lily. I can imagine the hope she has for some cookie dough and the idea of swiping some occurring to her. It was a sweet piece and I saw my own dog in Lily. Keep writing! Whiskerface.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rusty

I really enjoyed Can We Play in the Rain. The energy and enthusiasm of the boy comes right through, and the phrase 'half-toothless grin' really told me how joyful he was at the idea. The list of things they found to do, and things to play at and pretend really showed the spirit of delight these kids had. Truly terrific poem, Rusty. Keep writing!
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63
Rated: E | (3.0)
Funny. I liked the description of the leprechaun banging and pulling and swearing. The conclusion with Fort Knox is a good twist. I liked this. Keep writing!
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Review of Green With Envy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello

This was an accessible story for me. The introductory sentence definitely pointed to skiing as the activity, and the multiple verbs such as pivoted and cocked I think, carried on the idea of action even though the jump was complete. The dialogue that followed was believable as a coach and athlete would talk. The coach appeared to be a man who wastes neither words nor time. Simon appears cocky and a little smug. To me that suggests adolescence or not yet outgrown adolescent attitudes. It may also show skiing as a major part of Simon's life, to the detriment of some social graces.
I may have been influenced by the verb cocked in paragraphs 1 and 3. Was that a deliberate effort to suggest cockiness? I like it.

The coach appears a steady influence against Simon's attitude. The coach knows Simon has real competition and the details about Innsbruck, Greg being pulled early, and the fact that his qualifications are a real reason for concern.Greg's appearance after the jump shows a man comfortable with something. Maybe with his showing, or one-upsmanship over Simon, or perhaps just with living inside his own skin. That relates to the grin in the next sentence.

after seeing Greg's face, Simon is startled by his green skin. Oh, I liked the phrase "verdant cheekbones.' Anyway, Simon is so startled, he asks his coach for verification. Since Simon did not care about the facts the coach was presenting to him one minute earlier, this is a definite shift in attitude. The coach continues to view Greg in terms of ability and performance, while Simon notices the increase in green-toned people around him.

Simon needs to better his results, and resents the ease with which the Greens dominate his sport. Understandable, really, since things he needs to work at, such as maintaining his weight are problems that don't exist for the Greens. Simon's efforts are stretched more, yet the Green, Greg, easily overmatches him with little effort. The coach may be disturbed with his mutter, but stays in character as he continues to focus on results.

Simon's arrogance after the first jump is replaced by frustration. His description of the greens as abominations is strong, but mitigated by chlorophyll being employed as a performance- enhancing drug. Actually, the final sentence makes Simon appear less immature and more legitimately concerned with his chances.

A note: you may want to consider a hyphen in the phrases ever-familiar in paragraph 7 and performance-enhancing in your final sentence. I can't think of anything else. But I really liked this chapter. Keep writing!
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Review of Off-White Pearls  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello

I think this is a good poem. I am only fair at understanding poetry, but your point is clear to me. The relationship dynamics are easy to grasp. The simple language makes the story stand out more. You may want to reconsider the second comma in stanza 2. Nice work. Keep writing!
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello

I really like this idea. Chuck seems like a typical teen, with nothing special to recommend him, like living in a dystopian, or being on a drug his entire life and not knowing why. It makes a nice change from of the excellently written books out there already. I enjoyed the attitude Chuck had toward a little mild mischief. When his parents weren't home or changing his body size for fun. I would read more of this. Keep writing!
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Review of I Want to Go Home  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
If you think you don't belong here, you are right. Most people are satisfied with a blacktop manicured world, but that isn't all there is. I am so sorry for your loss, I am. But your grief is eloquent. The smell of grass bleeding is a strong image that really got your point across.thank you for sharing this


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Bishop's Son  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello
I just read your story. The opening sentence phrased as a prophecy caught my attention. In paragraph 3,I liked the idea of destroying all obscure locations in the land. I also liked Khyle, especially in paragraph 5,when he felt ashamed. Also, the follow-up on the loss of Khyle's eye was good at connecting earlier times in his life to his confrontation with his father. I particularly enjoyed the word cycloptic in paragraph 8.

The use of the word knew was a bit repetitive. Perhaps realized, understood, concluded, etc. might work in a couple of those places. Just a thought. There were several phrases that I had trouble clearly understanding. In paragraph 4, an undersized journey, and in paragraph 8, cater the notion. I am very literal-minded, so perhaps it's just me.

Not to be nitpicking, but it may read better to replace nothing's in your final sentence with nothing is. To my mind, that adds a little weight to the sentence. Finally, in paragraph 8, you could probably lose the second he. But I did enjoy the story--- I like fantasy--- and I hope I didn't dwell on the negative. I'm new to this reviewing thing. But good story, good idea. Keep writing!
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Review of Return Trip  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece was an interesting read. The discouragement of Samuel comes through,

but at no time did I feel he was completely cynical. The suggestion that Samuel was

Sent by heaven( St. peter ) was there for me. In paragraph two, the phrase " Charlie-

Brown like" caught my attention. I did wonder if you intended the comma in paragraph

Six after the word innocent. Perhaps removing the comma would alter the meaning

Slightly alter the meaning? Does it currently reflect your point properly? I enjoyed this

I have also forgotten things I should remember, so it was satisfying to see Samuel

Realize his error.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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