Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whitemorn123/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Hello and welcome to WDC! I am reviewing your poem "Tie Dye". Since you are a new writer, you may have many reviews that will be constructive in order to make you a better writer. All of my reviews are meant to be so.
I enjoyed reading this poem which contains some nicely written lines, IE: "Folding clothes, warm from the dryer
Sprawled across my creaky bed,
The complexly woven thread.
As the dark gains more allure.
Just before my unearthed pain"
TITLE: The title is fitting for this poem and I happen to like tie dye clothing since I am an artist, however, there are so many new works submitted here
each day that it will help you to catch the eye of more readers if you add something to the title that makes people question the content of the poem or story. This method is called a "hook" since it's much like fishing.
That being said, I may have titled this poem TIE DYE PAIN, so that the word "Pain" draws in the reader or "hooks the fish"
TEXT BODY: In a poem, the "who what where when and why" rules don't always apply, however, in my opinion, the seventh stanza should be placed after the first stanza so that readers know where the poem is headed so that they may have a form of reference to cling to as they read the poem.
I must admit that I was a little lost until I reached the seventh stanza.
You did a pretty decent job of keeping a good flow with the rhyming theme and cadence, but there could be some improvement IE: The third line of the first stanza says, "I take time to admire", which is pretty short compared to the other three lines of the stanza. I might have written "I take a moment to admire" which keeps the thought but adds two syllables to the line.
If you read through you will find other examples of this idea IE: the next to the last line "I almost feel complete." which also has only six syllables.
Since most of the lines have seven or eight syllables, I would lengthen any six syllable lines to create a better flow.
GRAMMAR: Lets look at this stanza as an example:
"As I convince myself I'm sane
My mood soon bounces back
Just before my unearthed pain
Makes way for an attack." The second third and fourth lines should begin in lower case since you are continuing the thought of the line above it.
(for instance) If you were writing a story with the same words you would not write:
"As I convince myself I'm sane My mood soon bounces back Just before my unearthed pain Makes way for an attack."
This is a complete sentence so it should be written as follows:
"As I convince myself I'm sane my mood soon bounces back, just before my unearthed pain makes way for an attack."
If you read through this poem you will find many capitals that should be in lower case.
THEME: My interpretation is that the poem is about a young lady who while folding clothes, is reminded about a lost relationship and other events that come to her mind. Most likely since she wore the clothes while hanging out with her friends and "boyfriend." This is a very worthy theme since we all experience memories that items inspire. Music does this as well when we hear a song and are instantly taken back to some emotional or memorable moment in time.
FINAL THOUGHT: You have very good potential as a poet! Like any diamond, we all need a little polishing. I want more so keep it up! :)
Hello! I am reviewing your poem "Shaman's Trance" as requested.
I really enjoyed the style of the poem and the content! You have depicted the joy of being in the Void! In meditation, you have asked the questions that may have brought about the "BIG BANG" of creation ("Who are you" & What are You").
This poem comes from a rather mature outlook! Not many people can relay what you have here.
The title is catchy and the free verse style of the text body works well here. The content is a bit like someone on a vision quest who receives the vision but has no real way to understand it, yet in the end is able to retrace his steps to a place of balance!
Some lines that stood out are:
"I'm floating; neither here nor there: through sedated space,"
AND: "Relinquish...awkwardness in tune and tone"
AND: :swap space, retrace, and follow the soundless humming grace.
Overall, It's a very worthy work! Best regards! WM :)
Hello! I am reviewing your poem called "Kiss to Say Goodbye" My review is meant to be constructive since I never offer reviews on works that have no interest to me, or writers that have little potential.
This is very sad, yet a perfect example of a partner who is leading the other partner along! Confused by the meaning of the word "LOVE" as so many are, the character is in a relationship with a person that they like something about, yet not enough to even cause them to want to stay with! An attitude like that has nothing to do with love, and you have made it clear that the partner here is totally delusional about the word, yet understands perfectly the way they feel.
THE TITLE: "Kiss to Say Goodbye" Is thought provoking and catchy!
TEXT BODY: Free verse in style.
It's almost as if the poem is encouraging abandonment and makes allowances for the cruelty of deceit, which I rarely see described so well!
CORRECTIONS: In the fourth line, the word "And" should be "and" without a capitol a because it is a continuation of the line above it.
Take the "And" off of the beginning of this line: "And you will always be my first, last, and only," but capitalize "You". "And" adds no meaning to the line because you are starting a new thought.
The following two lines (near the end), need to start in lower case, IE:
"After empty words and promises." (also): "For the first, the last, and the only time." since both are a continuation of the line above.
Overall, the poem is thought provoking and intense! Somehow, you made me want to warn the jilted partner of the doom ahead!
I am offering my review on your entry "A Teenage Phase" My comments are meant to be constructive in order to help you as a writer!
Enjoy your teenage years! Trust me, when you are out on your own with a family it's 50 times harder!
There are still many places where being a teenager is nothing like you have described here. It sounds like the teen lifestyle in an urban setting. Rural teens have it much easier (except for added chores)! It's rare that they have suicidal thoughts because they have the love and enjoyment of farm animals and pets. Teenagers who care for animals feel worthwhile as individuals and because of the exercise they get on the farm, they have better blood flow. Increased circulation changes a persons brain chemistry which fosters a happy and self fulfilled attitude.
Your topic is an interesting one. The message appears to be what someone the age of 14 to 16 might write.
Regarding your punctuation: You need to place two spaces between each period or exclamation point. Commas only require one.
In your first line "11" should have a comma behind it and the word "you" should not be capitalized. The way you have written it has cut the sentence in half, IE: "When you're a toddler, all the way up to age 11. You don't have to take responsibility."
It should be: When you're a toddler, all the way up to age 11, you don't have to take responsibility. I would add the word "much" before "responsibility" since everyone has some responsibility even before age two.
In the second line the word "curious" should have a comma at the end instead of a period since you are continuing a topic sequence.
The fifth line: "are the ones that need someone, to trust someone and talk to them...maybe the things they do are because of all the feelings they have held back." The word "Maybe" should be capitalized since it's the start of a new sentence.
The sixth line has two words that need to be separated: some refuse the help, but atleast you can try to help right? ("at least")
I could add a couple of other corrections but I will leave that up to another reviewer.
Your advice to teens who are having a similar experience is "spot on correct"! Good job! :)
Your poem definitely has some truth in it. I would agree that this is the case 70% of the time. It depends on the ages of the people in a relationship.
Young lovers will fall out of love 95% of the time, since they are still developing in personality and it's easy to settle on someone before you know what really attracts you. Psychologists say that if a couple can last for four years and are still happy together, that they can expect to last 20 or more years.
People ages 30 plus (if mature), have better odds staying together, since they have formed their personalities and their career identities are established. They are less likely to have money issues, the number 1 reason for failure. The success rate for a long relationship for the 30 to 40 age group is about 50%.
Then we get to couples who enter a relationship between 40 and 60 years of age. These folks get into a relationship for different reasons than hormones (usually) and due to learning positive emotional traits like patience and honesty are more likely to succeed in their relationship which may last until one of the partners die. They also This group has an 70% chance of success.
Finally, the 60 plus couples are financially better off and no longer have family issues to deal with so their ability to last as couples is closer to 90%.
Overall, people who are raised to have good character traits have the best chance of maintaining "true love" than the opposite.
It's an interesting study and you did a nice job in expressing the way people feel when they fall "out" of love!
Now I will share my feelings about the poems structure:
TITLE: I would have tried to attract more readers by calling the poem "The Un-budding Blossom" or "The Reluctant Blossom" because it would make the reader ask the question WHY? (causing them to read on). Turning your titles into topics that attract a question work better!
TEXT BODY: The second line is a continuation of the first line so the word "Only" should have a small "o", (lower case). The second line should have a period at the end since you are including periods in the last half of the poem.
The third line is a bit short and obstructs the flow. I would place the word "together" after the word "love".
After the fourth line the rhyme scheme disappears, becoming more of a free verse until the last 2 lines which rhyme again, so you have lost the continuity in the poems style
Keep up the good work! I never review any unworthy work! WM :)
OK! That's what I assumed. Not to worry then! ;) I will need to review the topic thread for the other missed example.
I was not aware of the "paid member" qualification, which is nice! :)
Thanks for the response!
I enjoyed your essay! I felt that you did a good job in correctly defining the opposing personality types based on "extreme" examples. There are complications that create "middle of the road" introverts and many people walk a path which leave no real clue. I can't tell you how many people have told me they were shy but were obviously not.
It's a great study and I'm sure that you can give us a "part 2." You might write on the introvert who becomes an extrovert while on internet social sites (for instance).
As far as corrections go, one area needs a little help. You wrote:
Introverts generally have a small group of friends that consists of 4 or 5 good friends (introverts are a lot of the time the life of the party when they're around people they know very well) versus the average extrovert who has a large group with just a few good friends.
The word "consists" should be consist (singular)
The first sentence should stop at "4 or 5 good friends." Then start the next sentence without any parenthesis. If I may show you:
Introverts are (much of the time) the life of the party, when they're with people they know very well, versus the average extrovert who has a large group of acquaintances, but just a few good friends.
I replaced the words "a lot" with the word "much" since it means the same thing but saves the reader 1 syllable. The same is true with the word "around" which I replaced with the word "with", also saving a syllable while maintaining the same meaning. Saving the reader time is always important as long as you can maintain the content.
Finally, I added "of acquaintances" after your: "large group", since the group was not defined. You may also notice a couple of added commas in my revision.
Nice topic and a good title! Keep up the good work! :)
This is troubling, yet so very honest. Yet, we all can leave! A great novel, movie, or video game can take us "out of mind" and into another world. In fact, many authors write to "leave themselves" unless they are writing about themselves. The trick is to find something to do that rewards a person in this condition and benefits others! Then, they will not want to leave "themselves" but embrace "themselves" whom "they" have created from their own potential.
Your poem well depicts someone with little or no self value which most people feel at some point in life. Sadly, this effects young people more than older, since the young are still trying to find their way and purpose.
Your thoughts are very well spoken! It's plain that you understand the mechanics of human (spiritual) evolution on a personal level. I very much enjoyed the structure of the creation! However, one of the purposes of a review is to be "the devils advocate" so I will introduce that aspect of critique:
Re: "We can't throw in the towel when we come to a bridge we don't think we have the strength to cross."
Some bridges collapse leaving no bridge to cross. The idea reminds me of the tiny sea turtles who's mother laid her nest of eggs too far from the sea. The baby hatches, yet because of the distance to the water, it may die from dehydration and exhaustion or be more easily picked off by seagulls.
Just as that baby had no control over it's future, many humans have the same dilemma because the canvass that their life is painted on is totally missing the color yellow (for example), so they can't understand that aspect of life.
It's similar to inner city youth who grow up in an environment of gang violence and addiction. They have no reference point from which to live life normally. Think of a person who has never played baseball or even watched a game who is suddenly thrust into a contest. "What do I do? Why did they hand me this heavy stick?
Some people have no hope of mental or emotional recovery. As a person who has worked with such people, I have learned about these complexities.
It would be great if everyone could realize that every thought they think is simply the firing of neurons that they can control, but the truth is
we have very little control. Our best chance is to have leaders and parents who make the right choices when exposing us to life. Judging from your article, you were probably fortunate to have that!
Thank you for your talent and this inspiring work! 5 stars! :)
I enjoyed your story! Especially since I was nearly (really) attacked by a big black dog a few days ago! If I were to place any criticism, it would be to break up the story into sections which help to put focus on the key points that you want to make such as:
"I have had visions during those brief spells of sleep that I occasionally get, where I step into a dimly lit room and face a mirror in which I see a reflection of a dog, a big black dog staring back at me .The dream then slowly dissolves into reality and I land back to my wonderland called Insomnia.
That black dog is enchanted by the night, by the mystery it holds. He reminds me about how fictitious and magical the night is contrary to the factual and monotonous day. He walks by my side into the innumerable realms of thoughts I tread during the unfortunate hours of the night and during the empty hours of the day I am left alone. He remains dormant. Maybe, he’s taking his time for another night of activity.
Many a time, I have been chased by him, even attacked brutally at times with vicious rage due to his inherent sense of territorial possession. I have been asked quite a number of times to get rid of him, to see the last of him but I, I would refrain from doing that because I need that black dog in my life .I need him to rescue me back from those unfathomable chasms of insanity life sometimes puts me in. I still need the black dog however bad, brutal or ugly it is."
I, being an insomniac myself appreciated that aspect of the story and the fact that somehow the dog's mirrored reflection indicates that you are it's creator.
The need for the dog is sort of like an addiction. You want to give it up, but you are unable to.
Interesting story! Give us more! :)
I enjoyed your poem! You made it pretty clear that if you have a teasing personality, your relationships won't last long! I especially liked this line:
"that’ll make him want me more than a flower wants to bloom."
Quite a clever work you have here! It has been said from ages old, that all curved shapes are female and that all straight shapes are male, so with Cupids bow we have a relationship in and of itself! The study of male and female, (positive and negative polarity) is a study of enlightenment!
Nice work! I especially liked the ending:
"Pulling for each other to
Solve Love's equation."
I loved this! It is an amusing story that made me smile! There was a sitcom several years ago which cast a blond woman wearing a fanny pack who had almost anything you might need in it, IE: a pup tent, blender, or almost anything of an outrageous size. :D They used trick photography to make it appear real.
My wife has a ton of worthless C__P in her purse and almost nothing of any real value. Perhaps she should look at some of those WEB ideas! :)
5 Hearts! :)
What a wonderful tribute! My Mother is 86 and has many of the same qualities that you described about yours! I was very moved by your reflections! 5 Hearts! :)
The story reminded me of the old show "The Twilight Zone". You held my interest, which is pretty good since I usually don't make it past the second paragraph 90% of the time. I read your story all the way to the end.
About 3 years ago while driving home from work around 11PM, I saw my first full blown apparition. It was 2 days before Halloween. The image was grey, definitely a man in a suit having a faint glow about him in the darkness.
It is said that around the end of October, the veil between the worlds of the dead and the living becomes thin, allowing the living to view ghosts and other Astral beings.
Nice work!! 5 stars! :)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whitemorn123/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 3:10am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
