Wow. I'm glad i found this one today - I am having a rough time and this was so soothing and beautiful. Both the sounds and images are rich and soft. Wonderful work!
Wow - I'm really impressed with your stories. You are a fantastic storyteller!!! I can't write short stories to save my life but you have a genuine talent for it. This is engaging and fun, as I've come to expect from your consistently great stories.
My only suggestion is to leave the English explanations for a glossary at the end, and let the reader get meanings through context the first reading. The spanish is too beautiful to be broken up with the parentheticals.
Ever read any of Cormac McCarthy's books? I highly recommend them to you - he weaves Spanish into his dialogue and story with no explanation. I loved this! I learned a lot of Spanish just by reading his books.
The protagonist's voice is honest and innocent and interesting, with just the right dash of humor... The vernacular feels right and flows nicely.
I like the way you introduced story points, weaving them in expertly and telling a rich, full story with both limited wordlength and under a short deadline.
Your last paragraph practically cries out to be maudlin - but you've done a great job avoiding that by instead presenting your reader with a quieter, far more appropriate ending.
I'm with you right up until the last stanza, where, in line 2, I was confused as to who/what "it" was and had to re-read the poem. I thought "it" was the thunderclap. See how this happened, or is it just me?
The last line is: "the stillness of nothingness." For me that's one too many "ness"es. Maybe the 'still of nothingness' or the 'stillness of nothing'?
Love the second stanza especially; the praying mantis image was striking. The whole poem is filled with a strange emptiness that works really well.
I love the soft understatement of the ending. This is a beautiful, lyric poem of wonderfully rich depth and scope. I like the historical information woven through, as well.
Your storoems are consistently entertaining and interesting.
Hey Kenzie - I just found this awesome contest! Mind if I spread the word? This looks like fun - I will definitely enter.
I'm putting this on the public reviewing page not because I think this a good review but because I want to spread the word. CHECK OUT THIS FUN CONTEST!
Wow this is exquisite - I read it twice just to drink in all the imagery. I absolutely love that the lady doesn't just swoon in his arms immediately but rather stands strong and honest.
Overall I thought this poem was well-written and image rich, with a strong, flowing syntax. It reads like a song or a chant, and that seems perfect for this kind of poem. A few thoughts:
Early in the poem you say:
The sky above me, sang through rays of blue
The earth below me, an emerald green
The sweet shade of cottonwoods cooled my skin
The wind sang through my hair
Wild and free, I felt that day
As the hoofs of grey
Thundered under me
...and I think it could be even stronger if you tweaked it just a bit, i.e...
The sky above me sang through rays of blue;
The earth below me, emerald green.
Sweet shade of cottonwoods cooled my skin
And wistful wind sang through my hair.
Wild and free, I felt that day
As the hoofs of grey
Thundered under me
There are a few other places where I thought just one word's replacement or addition could make the poem even crisper and stronger than it already is.
You use the word "seen" a few times when you should be using "see" or, if you want past tense, "saw." If this is deliberate, I couldn't tell.
Overall, though, this is a powerful piece. Good for you!
This was wonderfully written with its short, crisp lines and clear language. Very witty and imaginative.
This part sounded an awful lot like reverse prejudice to me:
"You women, with all your model's bodies -- all angles and cheek bones," he'd scold. "Raise your eyes and see the real women in front of you. Look at their soft, gently molded bodies. They're full-bodied and rich in flavor, while you -- you poor specimens of womanhood -- you are just the opposite of full-bodied. Yes, you guessed it! -- you skinnies! You are the flavorless!"
...and I admit my feelings were hurt, because I am one of those "poor specimens of womanhood". Want to hear my side of the story?
Overall, this is a well-written, organized and informative piece...not too dry or academic.
There are places where it needs some polishing and tweaking....for example, here are a few editing notes:
Here is one instance where you've slipped into passive voice - Help can also be sought through Vermont’s Abuse Prevention Act
Try instead: One can seek help through Vermont's Abuse Prevention Act
You ask: Why is it that these numbers are decreasing? What can we credit this decline in rate of child abuse to?
Try instead: Why are these numbers decreasing? To what can we attribute this decline in rate of child abuse?
Just goes to show you that coffee is GOOD for pregnant women! :o)
Very inventive, extrremely well-written....great flow as well. I thought the last paragraph was particularly original with its shift in perspective. It's a fabulous ending.
Editing note:
You have --> As it slowly inched it's long body
You need to remove the apostrophe in "its." The only time you use an apostrophe in "its" is if you want to say "it is."
Hey, this was a great read...not only informative but entertaining as well. I am lucky enough to be able to afford an upgrade, but your article looks at the non-upgraded membership as a glass that's half full.
I really like the fact that you're telling this from the dogs' perspective. Overall the piece feels very original and fresh. The story is interesting and the writing is good.
In places, however, I feel as though you are TELLING the story when you instead should be SHOWING it.
Here is what I consider an good example of what you SHOULD be doing more of: "Mothers bounced babies on their knees; an old man near the front coughed; shoes shuffled on the wooden floor. Finally, Mr. Collins entered the church and stood facing the assembled crowd." <--Here you bring the reader directly into the action.
If you do this effectively and consistently, you won't need lines like this: "The scene we witnessed was pretty depressing" which are instances where you are TELLING, not SHOWING.
I think the last line could use some tweaking. You want it to be as powerful as possible, so you don't want to have to say "my story ends;" you want to be able to, again, SHOW it.
"Hearing the tick- tock of the clock,
makes the lock of time open slowly."
But then you repeat the word slowly twice in the next line and it loses its power for me. I would like to see it reworked to include some fresher imagery at the end.
Write on!
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