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107 Public Reviews Given
153 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Snow Soup  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Delight* Edgar definitely had poor judgement. Snow soup! I like the setup of the scene with dialogue. The opening gives the reader immediate context. And it comes well to a close of the scene. I can imagine their relationship is solid despite Edgar's brutal honesty. My favorite part is Penny's sudden interjection to cut off Penny's perhaps-endless suggestions, then the "sweetie" line that proposed she suggest something. To continue the story, Edgar's could offer to go outside and find berries above the snowline or something, setting up an adventure, or someone could come knocking, straining available space and offering opportunities for new dialogue. Great piece. Keep writing.
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Review of Lesson 3  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sounds like a solid backdrop for many potential storylines. Raen could be in the middle of negotiating with a client and decide to get involved when some gutter rat that reminds him of himself is harassed. Do you have specific plans for a Raen-centered plot? Since you opened the idea to semi-sentient beings, perhaps he is tasked to gather a lot for trade and discovers one whose sentience is abnormally elevated and this one tries to plead with Raen for its life. A situation like this could offer the reader insight into his own moral fortitude and stretch his loyalty to the trade partner. So many possibilities! Keep writing.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
First of all, the beginning drew me into your world very rapidly, much like the main character's fall into the future. The quick dialogue kept me reading, wondering myself where this guy had come from. My favorite line is "British North America?" I am aghast, "How did I get here?" I can almost hear the line, spoken with a mixture of surprise and annoyance. "Plenty, as it turns out" is a close 2nd. Both of these clue the reader in without outright dirty Telling. I wonder about the gypsy, why she said he would be shown someone he could help. What use is that to the Brit? Granted, I get the feeling he may have died without the intervention, but for me the strong narrative falters at the introduction of the marble and its concluding use. I do very much enjoy the crafted characters and I hope to hear of further adventures of the Brit out of place [and time] in America.
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Review of What I hath lost.  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
The antiquated language could be used more. Instead of "I beg you," perhaps "I beseech thee." Tempests vs. storms. Missive vs. Correspondence. Calling the ship something like "the gallant vessel" and finding other spots to flaunt the language would benefit the piece.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all, I'm a grinch. I don't like Christmas. The story, however, was a fun take on old classics. The only criticism I have is with the pacing of the turn-around of Casper's attitude. It's not believable to me that the words spoken by Jellybean would affect Casper so thoroughly, nor is it believable that Casper is afraid to let down his dad after already moving forward with his pranks. I think this can be rectified if you reveal more of Casper's personality earlier, giving him redeemable qualities and revealing his thoughts, maybe hesitations at his actions. You state from the start that he has resented being a Claus, so perhaps work more with why that is and how it stems from fear of failure. Self sabotaging his future in order to escape his personal place as a Claus-- that's believable. Perhaps craft a less obvious destruction of Christmas, something that has a wide impact that Jellybean must explain to him, causing his transformation as he realizes its gravity. Otherwise, the obvious destruction and sudden repentance clash.
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Review of Unleashed Rage  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The only major problem here is the lack of a clear point of view, a clear narrator. This person can see the glint in "your eyes" and know how you're feeling on the matter, yet "someone needs to die... now it's time for action" appears to come from the You person as speaker. It's kind of confusing. I might suggest italics for the You and plain text for the observer. The conclusion that descends into advice like a counselor may be best served by compressing the lines into a paragraph or two. Overall, the first 8 lines were the most enjoyable to me.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Actually really impressive submission to the contest. I liked how you put in the quotes. Only one, maybe two felt a bit forced. The majority were weaved into the narrative very well. I reread it after reading the possible quote inclusions and seriously was impressed. Ignoring the quote requirements, the narrative itself was delightful. The personalized of each character was well-defined and I am invested in their future together. A follow-up after the delivery would be fun to read. Keep writing.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
The description of the virtual world and the AI that greeted Becca is well crafted. I enjoyed the diction throughout, beginning with coveted as the choice of word in the very beginning. I love the story itself, the transport into Virtual Quest and the gradual growth of Becca facing her own obsession. I do have one critique and that's the overuse of various forms of Conquor, but I do see other synonyms, like the AI says she's "beaten" Virtual Quest. I might suggest Overcome, where applicable.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
"There was a mumble in response, a scuffle and then a thud." I like the amount of action in this short sentence.

--Both kids WERE in their room, supposedly going to bed.
I heard Carrie and Tom say “sorry,” one after the other.

-- I moved around ON the couch trying to get comfortable.

Besides, THEY'RE eight and nine, maybe ten? How bad can it get…?

Overall, I like the short story. I wonder why the parents allowed this person, who doesn't know the ages of the kids she's sitting, to babysit. It's a funny story that is totally plausible though.
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Review of Flawed  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Again, wonderful rhyme and in this one I feel a consistent rhythm though I didn't count the beats. There was slight discord on the final line and I might add a syllable: our Father. The best lines for me were "obsessing sans cessation," because alliteration and pairing with formations, and then the paired being / mean. Stay strong on your faith and keep writing. You have a gift.
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Review of How To Make Gold  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is so fun. The slanted rhymes are unique-- inventor, order. The story flows well, unhindered by any attempts to force the rhyme. It's unnecessary advice, but It'd be more interesting to me to avoid dilemma/dilemma secret/secret.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Great little poem. I would eliminate "can" from line 4, and consider ending the last line with the word "houses" to mirror the first line.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your poem might be better if less chopped because I don't see a real purpose for each division of the lines other than maybe esthetic value. The list of visited places also confused me because I wondered what brought those specific ones to mind out of the 55 countries visited.

On the other hand, calling Berkley your spiritual homeland is great because we get to consider different types of places one may call home, perhaps having multiple homes. I also think the end line was very suitable.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am glad I read the other piece before this one. I saw the plug it was only as I was reading that I realized I had. This is much better in terms of how you handle the action and set the scene. Maybe the family reunion setting wasn't the best for the other one since there seemed to be no point, since the reunion was at its end. Anyway, without the other story's context this one still makes sense because of the well-placed references. My only real critique is that there are places you can eliminate some words to increase the action's pace. I do like the contrast between a quiet meal and the cachophany that ensues. I like the end that leaves the reader wanting more by showing the character wanting more as well. What bothers me is how you handle foreshadowing and setting the tension before the fight.

As we take our seats at the table, the eerie atmosphere grows heavier and heavier with the passage of time, the silence is deafening, just emphasized by the background noise.
The place is so quiet that we can hear our own heartbeats through our bodies, the ticking of the wall clock is soothing but ominous in nature, like it could be interrupted any moment by something, anything, just waiting to strike. The dark wooden floorboards under our chairs are ever so slighting creaking based on the way we move around on our seats, unnerving in the same fashion that the sounds of my father's mechanical arm and hand tapping on the table is frustrating, like he is unaware of our circumstances.

The midday lights of the Sun high in the sky are a warm distraction from the ambient we are experiencing, but as I look out the window for a distraction, a shadow passes over us. Swift in motion but with no body to cast it from the rooftops on the other side of the glass panel, suddenly fills my heart with anxiety. -It's the same as it was four years ago- and my mind starts rushing to all sorts of conclusions and in the hopes I've been imagining things, I glance at my father,

[right here there is a problem because you go from heavy-handedly telling us things are tense (with minimal showing) to a complete change in awareness of surroundings]

but as it turns out there was a waiter next to our table, who's brought us our orders while I was distracted.
"You were spacing out, so I've ordered for you as well, I hope you don't mind? I've ordered your favorite just to be safe" and as I look down in front of me it turns out, he did order me my favorite dish, 'pasta alla carbonara'. To me these were the first spoken words ever since we set foot in this city, and breaking the silence engulfing us did indeed feel like the taboo I had convinced myself it would be.

This last sentence as well was very confusing. It's shaping up well though. I like the intrigue and suspense and I look forward to more.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
CRITIQUES: RATHER THAN LIST THE SUGGESTIONS I HAVE, I FOUND IT EASIER TO SHOW YOU THROUGH AN EDITED COPY BELOW. THERE ARE ONLY A FEW SUGGESTIONS TO CLARIFY VERB TENSES, SHORTEN PHRASES TO QUICKEN THE PACE, AND OTHER MINOR THINGS. BESIDES THIS, IF YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR READER AN EVEN GREATER SENSE OF URGENCY THERE ARE OTHER WAYS YOU COULD SHORTEN THE ACTION SEQUENCE.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: GREAT SCENE, DESCRIBED WELL, FLOWS WELL. Keep Writing!

The family reunion is getting to a close and as (my father and I) are walking back to our car, to me the friendly chatter of my relatives is simply exhausting. I find myself daydreaming of the silence that will soon follow, as we bid our goodbyes and just sit there for what may be less than half a minute. before tThe car's engine would break the tranquility, yet it would be enough to wash away the fatigue accumulated throughout the day.

As each of my relatives leave one by one and my father exchanges the last of the small talk with my uncle, my attention wanders to... really anything slightly more interesting in my surroundings: from the mesmerizing (sunset) sky right after sunset and just before nighttime to the sound of many light footsteps on the gravel parking lot. From the beautiful water tower in the middle of the city that was so fond of it (?) to the point of lighting (the water) up with beautiful shifting red, green and blue lights, to the vigorous rustling of the leaves and bushes surrounding the parking lot from every direction.

If only I could have picked up on the clues to what was about to happen, maybe the evening would have ended differently.

As I turn around to my father(,) intent on asking if he could at least open the car for me to get in, I am met with a dreadful scenario -- my father (is) on the ground, with a man covered in black attire from head to toe holding him down(.) He looks up at me and his expression screams "RUN" as hard as he couldn't do with his voice. (Note: here there is no given reason for the inability to speak.) I raise my gaze to the only other person there, my uncle, and I see him held from behind in a choke by another man wearing the same black clothes that the 12 year old me could best describe only as a 'ninja outfit', with them being completely covered except for their eyes.

Finally realizing what is happening, panic rushes over me as I attempt to turn around, run and scream, (and in that long moment I am flooded by thoughts of how I could help us) I am (assaulted) instead (by) a third man of their same faction, much bigger in size, just simply picking me with a single hand by the collar of my shirt and hurling me into the gravel pavement head first.

As any strength I had in me is slowly slipping away(,) as I (fade), I recall seeing my uncle losing consciousness right before the three (men) (taking) his car keys and drop(ping) him in the trunk, and a forth man jump(ing) in the driver's seat before driving away with his car, leaving me and my father there to wake up for another day, as if they expect us to carry on, pretending nothing ever happened.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This would be better if you streamlined the content, removing excessive repetition in various forms of "When you work hard, you are putting in the effort necessary to achieve what you want." This would help your reader focus more on the given tips.
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Review of Two Souls  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
They definitely complement each other. Very enjoyable read. I am a troubled soul plagued by doubt and I only hope for a Miriam. It takes a soul to know a soul is my favorite line, but the darkest whirlwinds of the heart is the best line. I don't have any suggestions unfortunately but keep writing!
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Honest and concise. Love it.
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Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
destroyed that which he did not know he had...replaced now by silence... Very Good language here to express the emotion. I feel your pain. The end, beginning with"end" is a bit confusing to me, but great poem of love lost.
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Review of Shadows  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Draws me in at times" has a typo but I like the blunt plain language of the emotion. The word choices for your feelings are apt. I might remove the word "which". I especially like the admission of reaction to those "guiltless but too near."
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Review of Pen  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not a bad first poem. There are a few lines that are weaker than others:
The lines "My power is the pen" and "His weakness is his pen" do not go well with "Her pen was hers." What is the relationship (weakness, strength, etc) between her and the pen? Perhaps "Her happiness is her pen." The lines "He lost his pen" and "He could not find his pen" are redundant (they say the same thing). The poem begins with a pen, but no known owner. Where did this pen come from and whose is it? Perhaps if you put "He" paragraph first and "My" paragraph second, you can imply the pen was his. But then it weakens the first line of the last paragraph, "She found her pen." Just a few thoughts. Keep writing.
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Review of Once a Full Moon  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well done. I wonder though if you should say beau instead of bow -- I assume you considered this already, but the line would make more sense if you said beau even though it is not directly applicable to arrows in the next line. The piece reminds me of a dark version of some fairy tale. The rhyming scheme works well. My favorite stanza is the second.
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Review of RAINING RAINBOWS  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fun poem. Appropriate language for the childlike splashing and giggling of the girl. The line breaks seem odd. I would expect a break after "abound" and "around" and "ground" rather than "puddles," ending with a couplet, since the rhyming of those lines flow well in the narration. My favorite line is "green boots splash green puddles" because it's a color not mentioned in the first line and because it feels like the crux of the poem, where the colors and action collide.
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Review of Otherworldly  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
The first two lines here are my favorite - the details are endearing. The next two lines are my second-favorite. I might change one thing: you already mention that the character is from Pluto in the second stanza, so perhaps in the fourth stanza you could just say "You are no more abnormal than the rest of us/ But your legs are uneven because / Your home is smaller" or if you want to reiterate the alien-aspect, You could do the same thing except ".... Pluto is smaller." This way you're not coming right out and telling "you are from Pluto" and the reader will still get it. The third stanza... I don't understand the line "your / feet are turned because they're not / walking home," so that might be reworked as well. Overall I can definitely feel the emotion of the character through the way the alien is described.
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Review of King  
Review by K. Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Inspirational, indeed. Simple poem, but for what it is you've relayed the message well. I am curious what song inspired it. You could expand the poem, maybe put it into a rhyming scheme with each line you have here as the beginning of a stanza. Just a thought.
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