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Review Requests: OFF
566 Public Reviews Given
567 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am thorough. The technical aspects are important to me as much as if the story makes sense. The word "cruel" has been used before when responding to a review I've given, but in an appreciative and kind way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Comedy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of Troubled Soul  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice. I'm wondering if you might want to add question marks where you ask questions as they are important questions and will draw the reader to contemplate them even more.

I also was thinking that you might possibly touch on the idea that darkness can only exist because of light because, though you feel like two people, this helps explain a possible reason as to why you feel like two people.

These are just a couple of my thoughts but you don't have to listen to anything I say.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing.

Than Pence
127
127
Review of The Mentally Ill  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the lines "We should let them embark/On their concerned, yet hopeful journeys..." It really displays how the mentally ill seem to so easily escape. That's their only choice, it seems, since you point out that concentration is very taxing and consuming.

Presenting this piece as you do, it feels choppy. You could easily contract it in height by adding lines together and make the focus easier.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than pence
128
128
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think the first line should be it's own stanza. It's strong enough.

With the beginning of each stanza, you should be consistent with you commas when you're defining the times of day. You start it after "In the morning..." but don't use it elsewhere.

In the second stanza, use a colon after "choices" instead of a comma to help bulletin those choices.

In the fourth stanza, you don't need a comma at the end of the first line. The last line of that stanza doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Overall, it's a very soft little poem. I like the line "Just a silhouette".

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
129
129
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite a powerful little piece you have here.

"...ray of light ran from head head to her knees..." This is a little confusing. I think the first "head" should be "her".

The line "Father must have prayed without her..." should end with "without me..." since this was something that she thought personally.

"The next time sanaa blinked tears rolled..." This should read like "The next time Sanaa blinked, tears rolled..." The comma helps with reading and always make sure the names are capitalized.

I liked the idea that the dream she had was of a dentist's drill and when she woke up, she heard it still, even though it was a set of hair clippers. Very imaginative and grim. I like it.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thank you for sharing it with us and keep writing, please.

Than Pence
130
130
Review of True World  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think in your description, it's supposed to be a "morbid realization of a teenager".

This piece is a little sad as we all grow up only to see that the world is filled with many things that are different than what we expected as a child: deceit, lies, theft, uncaring participants. You'd think that since we are all suffering at one point or another, we'd come together as a collective and stomp out what makes us miserable as a whole.

I found this in the Read A Newbie section. Welcome to the site! I hope you find it to be as rewarding as many others have. Thank you for sharing your piece with all of us. Keep writing!

Than Pence
131
131
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I like how this piece almost feels ethereal, the way the lines move back and forth, swaying like a wisp of smoke or a snake.

I'm wondering if there should be a larger space between the fifth and sixth stanza, between "Universe" and "Dance".

I saw this on the Plug Page and now that I'm thinking about it, i was wondering if you'd check out my own piece of prose entitled "Sonic Doom". I only think of it because this piece sort of reminds me of it, though it has nothing to do with romance. Just a suggestion though. Keep writing.

Than Pence
132
132
Review of Ashes  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this little piece in the Read a Newbie section so welcome to the site! I know you'll find that it's something addictive. You'll love reviews and hate them and yearn for them and then want to share them.

As for your piece, I think one long sentence is too much here. Where you put commas, just hit Enter and make each one a new line by itself. I do like what it's saying though: how we grow up to be disillusioned by adulthood. Thanks for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
133
133
Review of Something  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is almost touching. It should be presented in a better format though. Maybe give each sentence a new line.

With the part "Soft as whisper, but carries all the anguish of the earth..." I'm thinking you should add an "a" before "whisper" or strike the "the" in front of earth. It'll gel better either way, synching up the whisper and the earth.

God is also usually capitalized unless you say "a god".

And the first and last lines: switching "about" with "almost" might not stop the reader from wondering at the meaning. At first glance, I was thinking of it like "round about" instead of the manner you intended. Just a few thoughts though. Keep up the good work and keep writing.

Than Pence
134
134
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"...he may sustain his friend..." I think this might be changed to "...he might sustain his friend...".

Add an "a" into this sentence: "...cogs inside clock tower."

As the first section ended, I was already certain that the little clock would hold the map piece. But it didn't!

"...as if his brain had sprouted a tumour made of machinery." Quite a memorable line... and a vivid piece of imagery.

" 'Seven years of bad luck,' he said to the room. He glanced at the mirror above the mantle to see if he had perchance broken it as he slammed the door on his way out, thereby bringing upon himself the requisite term of ill-fortune." I love this passage.

This story is wonderful. It's adventuresome and the pace never slows. I'm so glad I read it. Is this for a contest?

I saw this on the Auto-Reward Reviews page and I'm very glad I read it. Thank you for sharing and, if it's for a contest, it really feels like a winner. Good luck, and keep writing.

Than Pence
135
135
Review of Do-Over  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"...could in fact, carry..." Comma usage: add one before "in fact" as well.

This is a quirky little piece. I do wonder why, with each example stated, the do-over wasn't applied as it would undo any action, no matter the moral baggage that accompanies the user.

I found this by clicking the Random Read selection. Thank you for sharing it and keep writing.

Than Pence
136
136
Review of Old School Days  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.0)
I don't understand the line "Is he sound?" "Is he ours?"

I'm also not certain how they can wonder about a seating arrangement if it's on the board. Was it not on the board before they went on break?

"Pencilcases" should be "pencil cases".

I saw this on the Plug Page. Keep writing.

Than Pence
137
137
Review of Laundry  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...would suddenly grow impatient to be off;" I love this passage.

This is just a draft so I don't feel too obligated to point out the misplaced commas and such. It does sound like the beginning of a wonderfully enchanting fairy tale. And what could possibly have put the laundry back the way it was? Or what could have tricked her into seeing it all disheveled in the first place? Very mysterious and makes you think. Keep up the good work.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Keep writing.

Than Pence
138
138
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (2.5)
"...listen to the story Avril, I swear..." Put a comma after "story" and a period instead of a comma after "Avril".
Instead of sasying "...hazardously comfy" say "...hazardously comfortable". Comfy is a word we use as dialogue.
This sentence: "One dark blue and obtrusively plain dress...as stubborn as her father." Is quite lengthy and confusing. Reword it or simply break it up to bring the point across more quickly.
That entire portion regarding Avril's choice of clothing seems to have just been stuck in there and already derails from the beginning and how there are two kingdoms instead of four. Starting with the curtains and ending with the skirts isn’t necessary, in my opinion. It gives the reader more incentive to read on if they know that a big block of description isn't about to come upon them.
"Like you she disliked..." Add a comma after "you". There are quite a few instances of comma usage that should be addressed.

Regarding the paragraphs, it felt almost chore-like to get through those large blocks. You are free to include as much description as you like but you should at least break the huge paragraphs into much smaller ones. Say, one block into five or six littler blocks. It'll make reading easier and also help keep information intact. It’ll also help you see that you have several run-on sentences.

As for the story, it sounds pleasant. After swimming through the descriptions, I see that you might have the beginning of something worthwhile here. Telling a story from two vantage points in time can work well. I do wonder if it will be balanced or if either Avril or Leona will get the brunt of the focus. Just work on your grammar and punctuation, and above all, keep the big blocks of type to a bare minimum and replace them with littler groups. In the long run, you'll appreciate it better and it will even help you edit more easily.

I saw this on the Plug Page and you were asking for reviews. I'm glad I read it because, although the execution was a little raw, the story itself was memorable. But you can take my thoughts with a grain of sand, if you wish. Good job and keep writing.

Than Pence
139
139
Review of Haunting Shadow  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a depressing piece. I guess it's good that you got that you were able to get that emotion across.

I think, to stay with the tense, you might want to change "shattered" to "shatter".

A possible title for this piece might be "Impact" since that's what your character is dealing with: the impact of words.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Thanks for sharing and keep writing.

Than Pence
140
140
Review of Gucks  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...watch on Saturday mornings. (The Mighty Guckbots?)" Put the period after the parenthesis.
"On subsequent occasions and I found..." Change this to "On subsequent occasions, I found..."
A couple other instances of comma usage are present but not enough to take you away from this humorous story.
With a title like "Gucks", I was almost expecting something supernatural. I liked it.

I saw this in the Read a Newbie! section and I'm delighted. Keep writing.

Than Pence
141
141
Review of A Lantern Poem  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not entirely certain what a lantern poem is supposed to be. Maybe it's the shape of a lantern but I don't understand the reasoning for it.
It looks to work out more like a word-association exercise. Is that the intention?

I saw this on the Plug Page. I thought the tag of being written by an 11-year old might indicate something unique. How old are you now?

Than Pence
142
142
Review of The Skirt  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha, Charley Dickens. That makes me smile for obvious reasons :)

What a very nice story of rebellion. I'm sure if I were a woman, I'd feel quite empowered.

"My boyfriend at the time..." Did they get married or no?

This was in a Short Story newsletter from nearly two months ago but I see that its been on the site for about four years and has had several reviews and even won an award. Nice job and keep writing.

Than Pence
143
143
Review of Doppelgangers  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
" 'I’ve been sat here talking...' " Take out "sat".
"...what to do I take a deep breath clench my fist..." Add a comma before "I". There are other instances of comma usage as well like with this part: "...had just witnessed I ask dad what..." A comma before "I" helps divide your sentence for better reading.
"...towards dad, he’s looking straight at me." Putting a colon instead of a comma here will make it a little more pointed. Or change it to a period.
The paragraph beginning with "The next morning..." contains choppy dialogue. Where you're using commas, you need to just put periods of semicolons. This happens more frequently as the piece moves on.
"...over the next few months that followed and was..." Take out "that followed".

All that aside, this is almost a chilling tale. I'm not sure how to pronounce Vardøgr b/c of the unusual character but that's no big deal. I do wonder why the monsters were trying to outright kill her when she saw her own father walk out and assumed that her mother did likewise. Did the monsters convince the parents to leave or maybe they were the spirits symbolically leaving the house? That's the only part that doesn't stick with me.

I saw this on the Plug Page. Needs to be revamped for your comma usage but your have a good start here. Keep writing.

Than Pence
144
144
Review of An Exotic Pet  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.5)
"The little guy choked it down, but we got to see it again shortly." A hilarious line. Makes me smile.

There are a couple instances with comma usage. "...flung him to the ground, in unbelievable pain." Strike the comma. There were a couple others but they weren't obvious enough to draw me out of this soft and sweet story.

This was in the Fantasy newsletter from over a month ago and I'm glad I chose to read it. Thank you and keep writing.

Than Pence
145
145
Review of The Puppeteer  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a rather witty piece of work here. It only serves to remind me of the kinds of things I did on the Internet back in high school. The feeling attained by knowing that you've intentionally pushed someone's buttons has been captured graciously.

The respondents ask Josh "Who made you God?" and he almost acts as a god might: pulling the strings to get a reactions.

Very nice piece. I hope it, at least, got some sort of honorable mention in the contest. Keep writing.

Than Pence
146
146
Review of Sirens  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...felt so completely in just..." I think this needs to be changed to "complete" or add to make it "completely fulfilling" because, as is, it's confusing.

That's the only thing that jumped out at me in this richly detailed and haunting work. It does feel like the sadness of the sisters is forced on the reader though as anyone might speculate as to why they don't even discuss the idea of going to the mainland and attempting a normal life. I realize that any fisherman they snag seems to abandon reason and their vessels but what about coercing a large sea creature into carrying them?

The only stuff I even remotely know about Sirens is what Piers Anthony has related to me in his Xanth books. This is different but still memorable. I saw this on the Plug Page and decided to give it a read. Nice job and keep writing.

Than Pence
147
147
Review of The Way  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (2.0)
"One day found himself..." Change to "One day, he found himself..." for better understanding.
I think "restraint " is supposed to be "restaurant".
There are comma errors throughout but it seems like you don't worry about that as you're going for a philosophical angle here.

The example with the star going nova doesn't work for me as a reader. It feels like it was dropped out of nowhere. If you're trying to relate a nonexistent star to the man's ideal job from when he was a child, it could only work if the job didn't exist anymore. But many jobs that we want as children are still around, i.e. fireman, policeman, scientist, archeologist. Whether or not the man wished to obtain any sort of job was his own failing but the narrative points to the idea that we always find what we’re NOT looking for. This can be true when we’re trying to find household objects gone awry but when it comes to achieving the job of your dreams, you have to work for it, not expect it to come to you.

It’s like this man has discovered the world literally revolves around him. If I’ve interpreted this wrong, so be it. It might’ve come across better with some clearer marks of punctuation.

I read this piece as a means of returning the favor and I’ll browse through your folder for something else as well. Thank you and keep writing.

Than Pence
148
148
Review of Basement Baby  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is quite a chilling piece. The sentences are short and pointed, as if they come out in labored breathes. The descriptions of Mother's face are equally memorable. It only makes me wonder what exactly could've been done that this person deserved such treatment, but I suppose that's the mark of good writing: keep the reader wanting more.

I saw this in the Shameless Plug Page and I'm glad I read it. Is this part of something larger or did you whip up a creative piece of gore for the contest? Thank you either way and keep writing.

Than Pence
149
149
Review by Than Pence
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent. This is a marvelous piece of science fiction. It feels like a story ripped out of a properly declared universe, or even like a short story that's printed at the end of an actionable novel.

I truly enjoy it when a writer can get the story across using only one point of view. There are so many writers who like to swap back and forth between their character’s perspectives and it gets tedious at times, especially when they fail to successfully differentiate the personalities by giving them distinct qualities. But this is stream-lined and has me wanting to learn more about the universe. Goal achieved. Bravo.

Than Pence
150
150
Review of Monster Justice  
Review by Than Pence
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
From the beginning, this jumped at me. "...and took out a pen and paper, and start writing." Change that to "started writing" and it'll work better. The face is quick but threatens to confuse. I don't know what a kitsune is so that might be why I didn't understand the usage here.

The ending is a bit of a mystery. Is this meant to play into something larger? I guess I've been left with more questions but at least it inspires me to attempt to find out, which means you've got the beginning of something decent here. Good job. Expand upon it, if you can.

Than Pence
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