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| Isn't it funny how an outrageous act ends up being a famous act but not until after the person has made the comitment? Through out time people have done things that, at the the time was way out in left field. Almost everything important in history was that way. So how do you know? How do you know if you are doing a good thing or a bad thing? How do these people find the comitment and detirmination to continue when all is against them? When our country disreguarded English law, it was considered radical and highly illeagal by the law at the time. The settlers here were breaking the law. At the time they were considered bad people, criminals. As it turns out they are heros..............our country is based on their views.......Many important people through time were considered idiots and crazy only to find out they were much smarter than the rest of us........ We found out the earth was round........do you think Columbus questioned himself sometimes? What about John Handcocks wife? do you think she was a little pissed at him in the beginning? I am sure they thought Bell was a kook as he tried to speak through a wire into the other room. There are so many examples and all of them were working against the tide...... I guess that is how I know I will never be famous.....I live in the system. They will look back at me to remember the great things I did and say, "Who?" |
| I have nothing in me today......Funny how some days you feel like writing up a storm and others are just dry ink....... I guess I might be a little different than most as I usually do not write when I do not have good things to say. I guess I am just not a complainer and that is probably because if something is not going well I find a way to handle it. The thing about today is that nothing is wrong or bothering me. I just feel like I am waiting for things to break lose.......yeah......like the sky is going to open right up and dump new and wonderful things right on my head....I almost don't dare to look up as I don't want it to hit me in the face.......but if I don't look, I will not see it coming....What a delema! Work has been extremely busy so I have had little time to even think about writing.....maybe tomorrow? |
| I woke up about 20 minutes early today (2:40am) to the beating of the rain on the window over my bed. There was cracking thunder and bright flashes of lightning. To many, this represents the start of a bad day as they feel depressed and struggle with the things a storm brings.....fighting the wind blown hair, using any means they have of repelling the rain with protective devices like raincoats and umbrellas. They complain of the horrible weather and pray for sunshine and dryness. Funny how people's perceptions are.......As the storm woke me up, I did not feel depressed, I felt alive and awake....the thunder didn't break the sound barrier and chase the quiet away......it rumbled in more a majestic manner and the lightning didn't crack the darkness, it showed glimpses of life beyond the night....a snap shot of daylights visions. Trees and sky as silhouettes to each other. A quick vision of the rain cleansing the earths dirty facade. I would normally try to go back to sleep but couldn't today as I longed for the smell of fresh air the rain creates. There is an old expression: "Right as Rain" I feel that.....rain sometimes just feel right....like a needed balance in the world...The build up of electromagnetic energy releases to cleanse the air. The sound of it breaking the speed of light is amazing in many ways.... What a miracle......with out any man created source, the world shows us the power it possesses. It can light up the sky and rumble your best china ...all without fossil fuel or any manmade resource. When I think of people being scared of thunder and lightning, It reminds me of the story about the Lion and the mouse.....the lion is so big in comparison and when he roars it is so loud in relation to the mouse's little squeak.....the mouse is so scared by the Lion's magnitude and forceful look. Come to find out the Lion is not roaring so much as he is crying in his God given voice.....he is in pain as there is a thorn in his paw and his huge mouth can not remove the tiny thorn. The mouse helps by removing the thorn and the Lion thanks him....Now that the mouse is no longer threatened and scared by the large lion, his voice suddenly seems majestic and more musical.......as he says thank-you to the mouse. It is the same Lion roar but the mouse's perception has changed. He realizes that he is too small a meal for the Lion and once the fear is gone, the roar is not so disturbing. In our world the lighting storm has it's own purpose.....it cleans the air of an over abundance of electrical charge and cleanses the earth in much the same way as a shower cleans our own bodies......washing away the impurities and bringing freshness to the air. It is an important part of our worlds checks and balances......I held back an excited feeling as I threw on my raincoat, grabbed my running gear for later after work (hope it is still rainning then) I stood for a brief second as I thrust the door open and the rain fresh air slapped me in the face.....what a feeling of being alive.....I love living in the NorthEast as our seasons change and the newness brings a new feeling.......how mundane a life would be it the weather was exactally the same day after day........ I can hear the rain beating on the roof of the building at work.....I love that sound.....beside, the sun will probably be out tomorrow...is that too long to wait? |
| I have had a lot of friends through my life......we shared moments in time ...we crossed paths at particular moments in our life and spread apart just as quickly. None have had the capability or strength to last.....why is that? How does one keep a long lasting friend? How does the friendship weather the constant changes in our personalities as we grow and expand our circle of life. If I was the same person and never changed, that friend of the time would probably still be active in my life.I guess as long as they didn't change also. Other people seem to have long term friends......what have I done wrong....perhaps I have not given enough of my true self....perhaps I have held back too much. Afraid in a way that I will be taken advantage of or hurt. Or maybe I am just too selfish and can't seem to give emotional what real friends need? It is a huge question and I do not know the answer. I always seem to do better with female friends than male. Why is that? what is it about the relationship that causes that? I have two friends here that I consider very close. They are both females and I feel so lucky to call them friends. They both probably see a clearer picture of me than most people that have met me face to face and I deal with daily. Why is that? Is it because I feel more comfortable hidding behind the computor screen....anonymous of sorts? Perhaps I am not required to give as much so I reveal more of myself. Maybe my true essence shows as the image reflected is not clouded by the sound of my voice or the look of my face? Would the connection fade if I met them face to face or called on the phone? Would that step ruin the friendship? It is possible that there is something larger going on here than I understand and these friendships are caused by a cosmic type of connection....we are drawn together through a force we are aware of but can not see. It seems true as I have internal feelings that surface when I correspond with these friends. I care and want to spend time with them.....but that is not all of it...I feel something I can't explain .....a strong connection of sorts that draws my attention to the internal feeling. I can close my eyes and see my vision of these friends. Whan I stand back and look at the visions, I have no judgement what so ever.....Isn't that strange? In life I judge people....Oh not on purpose I just do...It must be my nature. I find my mind saying "oh he's Ok ..but...." , "She is fine ....But..." Always that "but" I have an excuse or answer for everything. I can tell you what they are doing right or wrong (in my opinion) I can tell you what they should do different....that is judging........With my special friends here I do not do that. Unconditional understanding ....of them as they present themseves to me....not looking for change or solutions.....just being a friend and enjoying them for exactally what they are...no questions asked...no buts.......perhaps that is what TRUE friendship really is? It is as if no time has gone by...even if a month worth of time evaporates, when I connect with them, it feels like mere moments have past. Why can't I have that in my real life? Am I doing something wrong? |
| I realized today that my life is full of loose ends. I never seem to actually finish. Oh not that I don't get things done cause I accomplish a lot in each day, but I mean the feeling of completing to the point that you sit back and say, "well that is finally done, I will never have to worry about that again." I find I don't say that and never have that feeling. Instead I can't seem to get to the end of projects. They just keep coming and there are always a long list of items to schedule in. When am I going to be able to sit back so completely finished that I am waiting for the next phase? Isn't there a point in life were you start tieing up those lose ends. A person spends a huge percent of their life creating "threads" and eventually they are supposed to start sewing them together and finish the job. Perhaps we are not allowed to finish until we breathe that last breath...maybe that is when we tie up those loose ends? I suppose as long as we have dreams, we will still be striving for that rainbow huh? I don't know what it is, but lately I just feel I am spending my whole life just doing the next thing rather than controling my course. I think I have no control, my direction seems scattered in a way. I am always on the fence.....should I stay...should I go ..... should I spend money on this or that.......go hear or there........join this..quit that.......I need to contemplate what I want deep inside and start heading for that direction....I see other people doing it.....why can't I? I can only describe it in this way, Monday nite I mowed the lawn.....it looked real good..I was happy with it.....but in a few days, it will start looking overgrown and ratty.....I will have to mow it again....and then next week again....my effort seems wasted as I only get a couple of days of satisfaction. If I don't pay someone, I will have to mow that damn thing for the rest of my life...it will never...never be finished......Oh I could take it out and put in woodchips ...but then I will have to weed it...forever....I could instead put in asphalt but then I will have to sweep it, wash it and seal it......forever. Not only that, but I have to mow my mother's lawn so even if I find a way around mine, I still have to do it. I went by a place the other day that was all overgrown...apearantly they just stopped mowing and quit maintaining the yard completely....they no longer needed a mower....they did not have to spend time week after week mowing....it looked horrible (well to me). It reminds me of a person thet has a bushy head of hair and does not comb it or maintain it.....looks extremly bad...I used to think that type of person was just plain lazy....but perhaps they just didn't have the desire to spend all that time maintaining it....they decided that project was finished and they just stopped....they were done... Maybe being done means you no longer care? I guess I can't be there....how does one flick that switch and stop caring? Maybe life means you have to keep doing these things that need to be done....you can't stop and you don't finish....intead you take on more because people need you. What would life be like if no one cared and they didn't do anything.....the human race would die off I guess......as there would be no food or means to survive.....I guess we are just a large scale ant colony.....all busy scurrying around doing our part to maintain the ant farm. I remember someone got an ant farm once it was a large glass structure.You could watch them building their tunnels, stacking their food and caring for their eggs....I thought it was silly....for what purpose were they working so hard? Perhaps some large allien kid is watching their "ant farm" and thinking what are these stupid humans doing? For what purpose are they working so hard to maintaining their life stuck in this glass container? That must be it......we are in this large glass container working our little "human" farm to satisfy some allien kid that recieved it for their birthday....the newness will wear off and we will be stuck in some closet somewhere or just throw out in the trash. |
| I sometimes wonder how I really feel.....I write about various issues and voice my opinion.....ask so many questions......but how do I feel? I think I write these blogs as a purge to flush thoughts and ideas from my bucket of ever revolving thoughts. You see my brain is swirling and thoughts just keep coming and going. What I write about will usually be the thoughts that surface at the time I am writing....doesn't mean I feel that exact thing or that I am struggling with a particular problem right then....... I am not a person that sits down and discusses my personal life or deep rooted feelings with someone. I do not have a close friend to wallow with. I actually do not have that many "real" problems in my life...or friends either. I am a "move forward" person. I take whatever task that slaps me asside the head and deal with it. I don't verbally cry or complain...I just do what I have to to get past the problem. (I may complain plenty in my head though) Now that doesn't mean I don't have down or bad days, but it means I don't waste a lot of time worrying obout things....Oh I may mull things over but I don't worry about things out of my control....the things within my control.....I do something about. I have compassion and empathy for others.....but very little sympathy......does that make sense to any of you? I guess by that I mean......I have feelings for people that are struggling and have some bad luck.....but not much patience for those that do nothing to try and better their life..in essence they constantly cause their own problems and purposely do nothing to try and move forward. It seems some people are only happy if they are unhappy.....does that makes sense? Well it is true. I know people that subconciously find ways to disable their own life and then blame it on everyone but them selves. They need turmoil in their life .....I think it is their way to feel alive and get emotionally close to others. Then there are others who can't seem to get a break....what ever they do there seems to be a twist or turn that causes turmoil. Nothing they do themselves...just life being un kind I guess. I have a couple friends here in that boat. That is where the empathy comes in......why is their life so hard? All they want is some happy times and a little comfort (emotionally) What did they do so horribly wrong? Perhaps in some past life they crapped on someone who now has the power to crap back? It just doesn't make sense to me.....I want so bad to help them....to solve their problems.....to give them what ever it is they are looking for.....but I can't, I don't have the power or resources.......If only I was a super hero.....if only I was a millionair.....if only I could make everyone smile. A friend of the family died the other day.....my parents were friends with him and his wife....we grew up very close and the families spent a lot of time together....I havn't seen him for many years....they wrote wonderful things in the paper about him. His family is not having anything public...no wake or funeral. Isn't it funny how people talk about how wonderful a person "was" It seems they do not realize it until they are gone....why is that? I wonder what people would say about me.......would they rally up like they did for my father or would I just fade away hardly noticed like my grandmother? I want to be remembered with some type of impact in peoples minds....I want them to be sorry I am gone.....I don't want to be the sad sole that fades away as people say "it's about time that sap gave up on trying to live here" So here is the thought I am leading up to.........am I feeling compassion and empathy for the families loss or selfishness that I didn't take the effort to connect with this person before he died? I think I am leanning more toward the selfish side.....it is hard to admit but I think it is true.....and probably more true than not with most people...they are sad for themselves and their loss more than the loss of others....there I said it......... If I really cared about his family..wouldn't I make an effort to go see them? What kind of person am I to hope people finally wake up and realize how great I was.....to be upset and sorry I am gone....to feel the selfishness I described when they realize they can no longer lean on me? Why would I want them to be so sad and hurt so much inside? I thought I wanted to help people overcome their bad times and sadness? I guess, Deep down I selfishly want to feel I am special and peoples sadness would verify that......is that how I really feel....am I that shallow? Is that the person I really am? |
| Want to find a perfect job or just happiness in life? Here are five questions that if answered honestly then put into action will get you there. I haven't accomplished mine yet...still brooding over the questions. 1. What do you want? Really think about this one.....take your time...what do you really want? 2. What do you have? Make a list of what you have already. Does it fall in line with what you want or perhaps you have more value in your life than you realized. 3. What do you need? Most people do not separate want and need. I think you have to separate the two and understand them because what you need might regulate how much you get of what you want. 4. Where are you going to get it? This is an important question. You can not begin to get what you want if you don't know where to go to get it. 5. What are you willing to do to get it? Will you do what it takes? will you put in the effort? What will you have to change or give up? Are you ready to take steps? 6. What will you do with it? A serious question.....I know someone who gave up almost everything to get a degree....spent 8 years sweating and scrimping....then once she got the degree, she found out that the field was saturated and couldn't get a job. I think these six questions could be the key to getting where you really want in life and creating a happy ever after.... Some of us put a lot of effort to get where we don't want to be...does that make sense? |
YOU DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL IT IS GONE!! This is so true....Why do we take things for granted? Why can't we see past our own nose and realize the things that are really important to us? Have you ever noticed that we are always looking back, talking about the "good ole days" Reminising about things in the past that we loved.......but didn't take the time to realize how much until now.....but now is too late to let these things engulf us.......instead it is a fond memory......just a vision in our brain. As time passes we want those days back even if it is only long enough to appreciate the times, the people, the places............eventually most of the vision fades and we aren't really sure of the memory........ I for one wish I could tell my Dad I love him....I didn't say it to him often.....I wish I could tell Candy Shrum that I was mesmorized by the sparkle and color of her eyes........allow Kathy who was older to help me lose my virginity(yeah, I really think about this one)........take back the bad things I said behind steves back......... treat my brother in a civil manner.....eat lucky charms on the kitchen floor of our old gutted out farm house (that my mom thought for sure we would never live in), lay on the dormer roof and watch the stars. Never take that first hit of grass ........go to the prom....Colt 45 in the apple orchard (well maybe now Coors lite).......actually try in high school......understand safe sex at 16 ... treat a girl with tenderness and show my true self .. truely respect a girl reguardless of what my friends say. It seems I could go on forever.....but I guess the point is that I not live in the past and not leap to the future as today needs me.....it is the fond memory of tomorrow that I wish I had taken time to appreciate....isn't it funny how we tend to live in every moment but the present? |
| I belong to this community. Sometimes I am not proud of it and wrestle with the thought of leaving. There are some very nice people here and some that seem to still need to grow up. Many good friends of mine have dissapeared from here.....pushed out maybe......fed up maybe.......perhaps discouraged with the whole thing. Why do we impose our will on others? Why do we sometimes act like children? What is it about humans that cause us to allow our worst to show? What is it about us that can not seem to accept others as they are .....unperfect...just like us? It seems the ones that feel they are perfect or have power to control or impliment hate and discontent bask in the enjoyment of just that......kick and knock people down because they disagree with you or cross you.............. This type of thing has happened to me in the past .....I learned long ago how to deal with it.......what I am complaining about is others I know that don't handle it well....people that pour their souls into this place, open up their hearts for all to see and get beat down for it..... I don't have to name names as you know who you are and are probably already planning to impose your dark side after reading this. Wait....that won't be a problem as I have no readers......well a couple but they are not who I am talking about. My point is.............why don't we act like adults? Do we feel we can treat people worse just because we don't have to see the sadness in their eyes....just because we don't have to be resposible for our actions........is this the type of community that allows that? |
| It's amazing how many people read my stories everyday... I haven't written anything new in a while and it makes me feel unworthy of being here. Then I go check my sats and everyday there are hits. Funny though, absolutely no reviews.....nope nadda...not one in at least four months..or more. I wonder why? Is it because they don't like what they read? Maybe all these hits are people starting to read and not having the stomach to continue....pehaps it is so boring that they just click to another story. It is possible that some of them don't review because I am yellow....I remember back when I first came here and I wrote my first story...actually about a year ago. Anyway I would read strories written by yellows and blues....I compared them to my story to see if I was doing anything right...was I interesting? Could I really call myself a writer? Well some of the "qualified writer's" stories were very good even fantastic...but others were not. I remember reading some that were not too good at all and in my opinion, my amaturistic stories were surprisingly better. I didn't understand, how could these people be yellow if their writing was not that good? Perhaps I didn't know what was good? Afterall someone had to think they were good to make them a prefered writer...right? Anyway, to get to my point, I remember that I didn't review many of the yellows and blues as I didn't feel qualified to tell these apparantly much more experienced writers my point of view. Surely they would not appreciate the opinion of a black case right? Now that I am yellow, I realize that I am no different and no more qualified than when I was black. I am not a better writer and surely not more qulified to review. I think that is why I don't get reviews...I think the black feel they are on a lower plain and not qulified or that I won't appreciate their words. I know now that is not true. It is exactally the critique I need. The point of view of "the people" all colors...everyone is qualified to comment as their view is exactally that.....their view and their opinion...I appriciate that and wish they would comment more. How do we get the word out to them? How do we convince them that it is not only OK but expected? The yellows, blues, purples......they are not necessarily better than the black cases.....they have just been here longer, been more involved and generated more attention from the WDC community........ Yesterday I had 34 reads and not a single review......must I assume that 34 people were so unimpressed that they had nothing to say. I guess I should have a more positive outlook..huh? You know the glass is half full rather than half empty? So....I am going to assume that because you can only review once, that the same people that reviewed my stories so long ago, keep coming back to read my stories over and over again as they love them so much. Because they are not allowed to review more than once, they cannot leave a comment. Yeah....that's the reason!!! |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 