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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Just want to say thank you to the people who have welcomed me back and for the nice, supportive comments I've had, which I will try to respond to individually. I want to reiterate that nobody has anything to apologise for or feel bad about. I love this place and have been a member for almost 8 years now, which is the longest I have stuck around on any online community (I think my previous record was 3 years on a Harry Potter fansite!  ) So how could I leave?! I want to get involved again so am on the look out for fun, undemanding activities to take part in. I'll take small steps and see where I end up!  Anyway... now for my update. Sooooooo much has been going on for me since the end of June. I completed the last module of my psychology course, which involved carrying out a small-scale experiment and writing a report on it. I actually ended up enjoying the Research Methods module much more than I thought I would and even started to grasp some of the statistical stuff. I'm still waiting for the results of the lab report and exams, and my overall course grade too of course, but think I may find out tomorrow. To say I am nervous is an understatement! I just seriously cannot tell how I have done and so really don't have a clue what to expect. Now work! Work has been HUGELY stressful and full of frustrations. And so has waiting to hear about the new job I was given a conditional offer for. But the good news is I got cleared by occupational health, though the doctor recommended some adjustments are made to help me settle into the role. I just then had to wait to see if the employer could put the adjustments in place and they kept me waiting, waiting and then waiting some more until TWO days ago! (But more on that in a minute). With my current job, I got to a point where I knew I couldn't work there anymore, mostly due to ethical reasons and my own sanity. I ended up handing in my notice last week, even though at that point I wasn't sure I actually had a job to move into, so that was very scary. I actually feel proud of myself for doing that though because even when facing my biggest fear (unemployment) I still stuck by my morals. This job has taught me so much about myself and one thing I have learned is that I am extremely ethical and my morals mean everything to me. But since I told my manager I am leaving (and why I am leaving) she has very subtly been bullying me, so that is rather unpleasant. Still, in three weeks I am out of there! I can't wait but will be devastated to say goodbye to the main person I have been supporting. I seriously don't know how I am going to handle that.  So yeah,two days ago I was asked by the new employer when I can start, which I took as confirmation that they can put the recommended adjustments in place, and I was given a provisional start date of October 12th. Today that start date has been confirmed and the conditional job offer has turned into a firm offer. So it is happening. FINALLY! I'll be starting the job four and a half months after being offered it, which seems absurdly long, but at least it is going ahead. I am incredibly anxious about starting a new job but at least have some time to prepare myself for it. I'm hoping I'll start to feel excited too, but for now the dominating emotion is fear! I think that will settle down when I have more information (such as the exact location of the site I will be based at, which I don't know yet!) So those are the main things that have been going on for me, but some other stuff...  Back in July I spent a morning shadowing an occupational therapist who works at my mum's school. Although she doesn't work in the area I would want to specialise in, it was interesting and I will be shadowing her again in the near-future to see even more of what she does. She also has a sister-in-law who works as an occupational therapist in a mental health setting and I may be able to shadow her too, which would be amazing. Fingers crossed that happens! While I still haven't made a decision on whether I want to be an occupational therapist or psychologist, I will be applying to university in the next few months and I have lots of options! I'll leave that for another blog entry though! I have started a trampoline-based fitness class and absolutely love it. It makes me feel the way karate used to make me feel. It is intensely hard and makes me feel like I'm dying, but it is also ridiculously fun! I've done three now and am doing one session a week. I'd love to do it twice a week but at £6.99 a session it's quite expensive. My Jadey is getting more eccentric by the day but on the whole seems happy (though she has her moments of confusion, which I suppose is to be expected with dementia). She turns fifteen next month and just looks so old now, bless her. That's because she is old, for a dog of course! I'm still able to take her for walks but she walks much more slowly now and can't go very far. She spends most of the time sleeping. I worry about her all the time but am just trying to cherish the happy moments I have with her, such as when greets me when I get home from work.And that's enough for now, I think! While I haven't been away for that long really it feels like a long time because so much has been going on! I really hope I can reconnect with people here and get involved again. But I'll just take things slow and steady so as not to get overwhelmed. |
| I haven’t been active here on WDC for nearly three months now. The community that I once considered my online home began to make me feel stressed and incredibly lonely. Due to work and studying I couldn't be as involved as I used to and so I began to lose contact with people, which made me extremely sad. And the whole thing with Patrick and Mandy was devastating to me. I felt empty when they left and their activities stopped. Their activities were the main things I was taking part in on WDC, besides blogging, and I actually felt depressed when they ended so abruptly and I felt lost for several months. Due to Mandy's campfire ending and being so stressed and busy, I stopped writing and I don’t think I have written creatively since April. I miss it but also feel that I have nothing much to say through poetry anymore, which makes me feel sad. I took time out. I disappeared, basically, like I said I said I might do in my last blog entry. But… apart from one person who contacted me to see if I was okay, I’m not sure anybody even noticed I was gone! (And believe me, I know that sounds rather needy and pathetic!) But now I am questioning my place in this community. I'm trying to decide if I should attempt to get involved again, try to get back into the swing of things with writing and reviewing, build up my activity, make contact with people again, and reintegrate myself into a community that means so much to me and always will. But on the other hand it isn't nice to feel so isolated and on the outside. I've realised that I have a great need to feel useful and I'm not sure if I'm useful here anymore. I think I do want to come back and I hope if I do that people here will be as accepting and welcoming as I have seen them be of other people. I hope it will not be held against me that I had to step back for a while and that people will understand. But I'm feeling anxious about the whole thing and am not sure how to get back into the swing of things. I don’t think I have ever been away from WDC for so long. Edit: I just want to add, I don't want anyone to feel bad about not contacting me! My activity kind of declined gradually over a few months and so I suppose it wasn't especially noticeable. Friendships are two-way relationships and I wasn't able to give to the relationships I had on here due to my own personal problems. I isolated myself and then I ran away! I take full responsibility for the way I ended up feeling. |
| I'm sick of everything, to be honest. I am trying so hard to adapt and fit into a world that seems to constantly reject me and I don't know if I want to do it anymore. Do you know what it is like to not be able to work without support and adjustments? To have no friends because for some reason nobody likes you, even though you consciously strive to be a good person? To not be able to communicate to people about basic yet important stuff such as your health needs? To come across person after person who expects you to somehow miraculously overcome a disability, despite there being no cure for it? My care coordinator recently said to me, after refusing to help me talk to my GP about something, "you need to make more effort to communicate to people", like talking to people, trying to understand them, and trying to get them to understand me doesn't use up every bit of mental energy I have. And she knows I have Asperger Syndrome!  Honestly, telling someone with Asperger Syndrome that they need to try to communicate better is like telling someone in a wheelchair, "oh, you need to make more effort to walk". Asperger Syndrome is a pervasive developmental DISABILITY that affects a person's ability to communicate. The psychologist who diagnosed me with autism said people would need to adapt to me, because I can't adapt to other people -- my brain isn't wired that way. And yet the people who know I have this disability don't even try to make things easier for me or to enable me to fit in.So what should I take from that? Nobody wants me to fit in. I am an outcast and always will be. I am a person not worth bothering about. And all I have ever wanted to do is make a positive contribution to society. It really, truly sucks to have come to the realisation just now that society doesn't want any kind of contribution from me. In fact, it seems society just wants me to disappear. And maybe I will. Maybe I'm done now. Who knows? Who cares! Haha! I care. |
| Apparently it has been five days since I last blogged but it feels much longer for some reason... I spent Thursday to Saturday in Romford with Mark. He is house-sitting for a friend and I decided to join him for a few days so we could celebrate our seventh anniversary as a couple, which was on the 18th. It was good to get away for a bit for some much needed rest and relaxation. We decided to celebrate our anniversary by staying in, watching a movie (Big Eyes, which was awesome!) and getting an Indian takeaway (which was delicous!) On the Friday we shopped until we dropped in Romford city centre and I bought a knitted, striped hoodie. We also had a meal out, and visited the YMCA where Mark lived for a while. He then took me to a nearby nature reserve and we trekked down some very overgrown pathways. I unfortunately got pretty anxious as I didn't like how secluded it was. When we got home we watched another movie -- this time The Theory of Everything, which was just as awesome as Big Eyes, if not more. We loved it. On Saturday we just spent time relaxing and then Mark got the bus and train with me back to Euston station in London so I could travel home. It was a nice way to celebrate our anniversary together and we got each other small gifts too -- after seven years together we don't need to make massive gestures to demonstrate our love! Regarding my conditional job offer, the occupational health adviser has now written to my GP asking for more information on my health conditions. The report should be written within 15 working days (from the 17th) and I will be notified when it is done so I can see it before it gets sent back. I have requested to see it as I want to feel confident that there is nothing in it that will scare off my almost-employer. I don't think my GP would do that as he considers this job to be a very positive thing for me, so he isn't going to tell them I'm incapable of doing it! Still, it is worrying as he will have to be honest... but I should know whether I have a firm job offer around early to mid July and then I'll hopefully be able to hand my notice in at my current job. Scary! I still don't know if I am capable of the new job but I also can't contemplate that too much right now as just thinking about it makes me excessively anxious. If I knew I could start off on part-time hours I would feel much better about it all, but I do not know this yet... In other news, I am on a 165-day streak when it comes to learning Dutch on Duolingo. I think that is pretty impressive! It is getting harder and more frustrating but I am determined to persevere with it. Also, I had stalled with my psychology study but tonight I got back into it. This second module is so, so hard and I am worried. I am nearly through all the topics I need to study to take the first test and I am hoping to get that out the way this month, or early next month, but I am terrified. I will be so relieved when it is all over. I think I can pass (possibly) but can I pass with distinction? I'm not sure. I think there is a very small chance if I work super hard (which I intend to do) but statistics are just so difficult for me to grasp. I read something, think I understand it, but the next day it is just gone. So frustrating!  And in yet more news... my depression is the worst it has been in a long time recently and I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, things are moving forward for me, so why am I depressed? My anxiety is very high too, but I think that is understandable. And my obsessions about my weight and eating have returned with a vengeance, which is probably also understandable what with all the stresses I am currently facing and my eating disorder therapy coming to an end tomorrow. I feel so sad, frustrated and disappointed when I think about my time in therapy. And whenever I mention my thoughts about weight etc to my GP or care coordinator they say, "are you putting the things you learned in therapy into practice?" But I didn't learn anything in therapy! I have nothing to put into practice! Literally nothing. I wish I had been given tools and strategies to help me cope, but that didn't happen. I think the only thing stopping me from completely reverting back to how things were is the thought of the new job -- if I allow my eating disorder to totally take over then I can say goodbye to the job. So whenever I think I am too big I need to tell myself, "you are at a better weight now and you need to maintain it so you can do your new job and continue working towards the career in mental health that you are dreaming of". It's hard though. I seriously think improving my fitness and toning up would help me a lot with my body image but I never did get started on the exercise regime I blogged about recently. I have been too stressed and too tired! It's hard to fit exercise into my schedule of work, study, Dutch, WDC and looking after Jade. If they would change my shifts at work to three seven hours shifts a week, like I have asked for multiple times, maybe I could do it. But they still haven't done that (despite saying they will) and so I am still struggling. And this week is so busy with training on top of my regular shifts. I could ask to cut down my shifts to accommodate the training but I kind of want the extra money! So I'm not too sure how I can fit exercising into my life at the moment, but I need to keep trying, I think. I think that will help me a lot. Anyway, this blog entry turned out to be quite long! I felt like talking. I just wish I had someone to listen to me! |
Today I attended a "managing mood" group for people who struggle with depression but I don't think I will be going back as I hated it. For a start, I have had the CBT model explained to me so many times I have lost count, and I am completely bored of it now. Also, I do not need two psychologists explaining to me what low mood is. I experience it every day so I know, thanks!  I've just heard it all before. I've tried it all before... over and over again. I have been through CBT at least five times and it does not help me. Even when I am doing all my activities (and I rarely stop functioning) I still feel overwhelmingly depressed. This is what puts me off about becoming a psychologist because it seems to me that the treatments they offer are "one size fits all", whereas I would want to view everyone as an individual and find a way of working that suits the individual person and helps them best. This probably isn't cost-effective, and I know the NHS has to always be mindful of cost, but I feel it is the most ethical way of working and I feel it would be the most interesting and creative way of working. I have been considering occupational therapy for this reason because I feel like they can focus more on the individual and their unique experiences and circumstances. There seems to be much more scope in occupational therapy for "thinking outside of the box". To me, psychology seems to be about using evidence-based practices on huge numbers of people, in the quickest amount of time, in the hope that the majority of people will learn to cope better with their mental health problems. But during this process many people get left by the wayside or fall through the cracks. Because although the evidence may suggest a certain treatment works best, there will be some people it doesn't work for. And these people need alternative treatments. They need individualised treatment plans. These are the people I am interested in and want to work with. Anyway, I am hoping to speak to my care coordinator tomorrow to tell her that I do not want to return to the group. I will ask if this means I will be discharged from the mental health team, but hopefully not. Hopefully they will recognise that I still need help, just in a different format. If I will be discharged for not attending it, then I will probably stick it out as it is only six weeks. I do not want to lose the support of my care coordinator. Groups are not for me. I find them difficult and uncomfortable. I often feel patronised by group leaders. I get bored! I have read reams and reams of information on depression and CBT. I do not need to go through it all again!   Prompt from Blog City: Which emotions fade away the most easily for you and which ones have a way of lingering? Well, for me, the negative ones linger and positive emotions such as happiness and excitement tend to be fleeting. I am naturally negative -- it is my personality and something I am learning to accept. I cannot change my personality and I need to accept that my mind will always find the negatives first and I'll always be quick to feel down or sad or angry or irritable etc. I'm not sure I want to accept it though! I think the emotion that lingers most for me though is embarrassment or humiliation. I just can't deal with humiliation and I will feel this emotion burning through me for a long time after the humiliating event. There are some embarrassing things I have been through that I can't even bear to think about and if they unexpectedly enter my mind, I push them away as hard and as fast as I can. The traumatic event that I feel has had a huge impact on my mental health was massively humiliating, and I think that is one of the reasons I struggle with it so much. That's the main reason I blocked it from mind for seven or eight years -- I just couldn't deal with the feelings of humiliation. Emotions are very powerful and confusing. Even at twenty-eight I am still learning to deal with mine. |
| After yesterday's "Invalid Entry" I just had to have an awful one today, didn't I? The colleague I usually work with at the weekend was on leave today and the management struggled to find cover for her. As a result I was alone with both guys for over an hour and a half, which is not a safe position to be in, to be honest, and is just another example of how the company I work for don't care about their staff. Nobody should work alone with two guys with autism and learning disabilities who have both displayed violent behaviour in the past. If one became agitated or aggressive it would be next to impossible for one person to keep control of the situation and ensure everyone's safety. Both seemed settled though so I wasn't too worried, but it is always in the back of my mind that a person working alone with two potentially dangerous men could get seriously hurt or worse and nobody would know about it for hours. Thankfully I have not had to do it often but a situation a couple of weeks ago has made me realise just how risky it is. And it is unacceptable for the organisation to make people do it. The team leader who had slept in asked if I would be able to sort out breakfast and I told her I couldn't if they wanted meat but would obviously be able supervise if they wanted to get themselves toast or cereal or something. She told me to hold off until the cover arrived, who would be able to show me how to make a fry up.  Why don't these people understand that I don't want to learn to cook with meat? And that is makes me feel anxious and physically ill? I've told them enough times! Anyway, before anyone arrived the service-user got hungry and I encouraged him to make himself some toast and have some fruit and yoghurt, which he was happy to do. Then the lady covering the shift turned up. She isn't someone I have met or worked with before and I instantly took a disliking to her. I try not to judge people but there was something in her manner that immediately got under my skin. She said, "I've been asked to show you how to make a fry up. Did you take the stuff out?" I didn't know what she was on about, but apparently I should have removed the meat from the fridge and freezer. How can I know this stuff when I have never cooked meat in my life?! I told her he had already eaten and she asked him, "do you want a fry up?" to which he said yes (of course he did, he loves food!) and she said to me, "well, we have to do it then". But that's just not on! Sure, if he had insisted on it, then yes, but part of our role is to encourage service-users to lead healthy lives, and having two breakfasts is not healthy. So why did she ask him that? But it turned out they didn't have the food in to make a fry up so that put an end to that!She also undermined me in front of this service-user. She asked what they were having for dinner and I said, "I don't know" and she said, "well you need to check these things". Um, actually, no I don't. I was there for the morning shift -- dinner is not my responsibility. But she said this in front of one of the guys and I knew it would make him anxious. When I have been undermined in front of him before I think it makes him worried that I am not up to the job of supporting him. And yes, it made him anxious, which resulted in him refusing to do his normal weekend activity. So this woman ended up taking the other guy out, leaving me alone to deal with his anxiety. Thankfully I was able to put him at ease and we had a nice walk to the local shop and then watched a film before he got picked up by his family. When the woman returned with the other service-user, they had picked up another colleague who was going to take over from her. She dropped them off and then just drove off without handing over to me or completing her paperwork. So I had no idea where the service-user had been, whether he'd had anything to eat or drink or if there had been any issues, and he isn't able to communicate those things. I was so FURIOUS! And the woman taking over was also furious because there was no need for her to be there due to the other service-user being out with his family. So I had two hours of her bitching to me about how ridiculous the situation was while I attempted to fill in two lots of paperwork. This is what I hate about my job: the sanctimonious colleagues who think it is okay to undermine me in front of service-users, the poor management which often results in situations where there are not enough people on shift or too many, and complete lack of communication. The line manager is on leave at the moment but I think I am going to see the deputy manager this week and talk through a few things. I want to ask him to remind staff that it is NOT okay to undermine a person and bring up issues in front of service-users. And I want to tell him that the lack of communication is appalling and needs to change. And I think I'm going to mention that woman drove off without handing over to me. I don't like to tell tales but I needed to be informed of what they had done etc and her rudeness and stupidity meant I could not fill in the paperwork correctly and I did not know if I needed to make lunch for the service-user. GRRRRRRRRRR.  This kind of stuff does weigh you down. It's not nice to be doing such a tough job with so little support and care from management. Although I will always treasure the awesome moments I've had in this job, I will be relieved when I can finally get out of there and I know I can't stay there for much longer. I will be devastated if this new job falls through. |
In my four months of working in my current job, today was hands down the best day I have had so far. I was working with my favourite colleague and we took the guys to an indoor trampoline park, which both just absolutely LOVED!  The guy who I do not work with as much was the happiest I have ever seen him, smiling and laughing to himself as he bounced higher and higher. And the guy who I support the most kept telling me, "I love it!" He bounced for about twenty minutes straight -- it was pretty impressive! When he took a break he asked, "are you pleased with me?" To which I responded with, "yes, you did amazingly!" He then asked, "are they pleased with me?" meaning the leisure centre staff -- I thought that was really sweet. I said yes and gave him loads of praise, telling him how well he had done. He is an absolute sweetheart. Honestly, it is going to BREAK my heart to have to leave him if and when I start my new job.When we left my colleague drove us somewhere to get lunch and the person I work with most asked a couple of times, "can we go next week, Jessica, you and me?" That made me feel so happy and proud. I feel like I must have done a good job supporting him for him to specifically want to go back with me. Unfortunately I don't think I will be able to next week as I am only working one day (I'm taking two days annual leave) and it's an evening shift. Hopefully my colleague will take him though, instead of taking him swimming or to the gym, because he seems to enjoy it much more than either of those activities. And it is much better exercise for him because he actually got a proper workout due to loving it so much. He struggles with swimming and only spends about twenty minutes in the gym so I do not feel that they are especially good activities for him. I am going to push for trampolining to be added as a regular activity. You know, it absolutely made my day to see them both so happy. It was infectious. This is why I am still doing this job. It has its crappy moments, and the management are terrible at looking after the staff, but experiences like today make it all worthwhile. I think today will become a memory that I will cherish forever.   |
Things are moving forward on the job front. I had a telephone appointment with an occupational health nurse on Wednesday. That was hugely stressful and anxiety-provoking! I was completely open and honest (because I had to be) and I seriously hope that doesn't mess things up for me. But it doesn't sound good to say "Oh, I have Asperger Syndrome, anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. Yeah, and digestive issues too, which are currently being investigated".  I don't sound like someone who is fit and capable enough to work. I had to tell her about my suicide attempt and I had to tell her that I am under the community mental health team, which involves regular appointments with a care coordinator and reviews with a psychiatrist. I kept trying to minimise everything and it sounded so lame and desperate. Anyway, the nurse has to write to my GP for more information. I think this is standard for people with my kind of issues but of course it is prolonging the agony for me! I don't think I should be too worried because when I spoke to my GP about this job after I'd been invited to an interview he said, "I would advise you to take it if you get it". So he thinks I'm capable. But I'm worried anyway! I'm worried he'll mention stuff that I didn't cover and that it will look like I was being dishonest. But there was a lot to cover and I couldn't tell her about everything! Oh well... moving on. Today I had an appointment with someone from Human Resources to go through some stuff. They took copies of my passport, driving licence and degree certificate. They also took my photo for an ID badge, which was horrendous! My first picture was awful and I said to the guy, "urgh, I look creepy!" The second one wasn't much better but I felt like I had to go with it. I hope it isn't as bad as I fear! To be honest I am having second thoughts about the job because the drive there and back today was horrible and I just don't know if I can do it full time, on a permanent basis.When I went to my interview the drive was fine, so I don't know what happened today, but I made so many errors and got so stressed. On the way home I took a wrong turning and ended up going through the town centre, which was incredibly busy. I drove past a speed camera and then noticed I was in a 20mph zone. I have no idea what speed I was doing. Now I'm terrified I'm going to get a speeding ticket. And somebody beeped me when I was hesitating at a roundabout because I didn't know where I was going and needed to read the signs. I can't stand impatient drivers. I held him up by five seconds at most.This evening I have been looking at places to rent in the town where I may be working and I found a seriously nice house share which I think I could afford. But... I don't want to move. I don't want to live in a different town to my mum and sister, and I don't want to leave my dog. I couldn't take her as she has lived in my family home for all but five weeks of her life. I think she would be confused and stressed to move. Also, I still need the support of a mental health team right now and I do not want to be under the care of the mental health team I am potentially working for! And I don't want to change doctors either because I love my GP.So I feel that moving isn't really an option at this stage but I don't know what to do. My job centre adviser suggested I sometimes get the bus or train to work, instead of driving all the time, but both would take much longer. It's worth considering though because I could always get some studying done on the train. But I think I just need to practise the route. Thing is I don't want to! It's not a nice drive. And the town where I may end up working is not an easy town to navigate. My hometown gets stick for having so many roundabouts but they make it a hell of a lot easier to get about. Grid systems are awesome! All towns should be built on a grid system! I'm seeing my GP tomorrow so I'm going to talk things through with him. Also, if and when the conditional job offer becomes a firm job offer I will discuss things with my family too. I haven't told them yet because I don't want to have to tell them the job offer has been withdrawn because of my health. So until I know for sure the job is definitely mine I'm not telling my family! I just wish the job was more local. But wishing for that is not going to change things! Now I need to stop worrying, stop blogging and go get something to eat! |
| On February 16, 1923 King Tut’s Burial Chamber was opened. How would you feel at this time if you knew that your grave would be opened and you would be put on exhibit in the year 3599? Do you agree with this practice, be it in the name of historical research? This is an interesting prompt and a subject I have thought about before when visiting museums. Is it right to display the bones or preserved bodies of people, especially of those who died in times and cultures that had very strong beliefs and rituals around death? This topic leaves me conflicted, to be honest. I am a very moral person and it doesn't rest well on my conscience to look at the remains of people whose cultural and religious beliefs have probably been violated and desecrated in every way possible. But... I also love to learn and I can see the value in showing the world ancient practices and I think it is these kind of exhibits that tend to get people, and especially children, interested in history. And I think that is a good thing because we should learn about the past and the history of the human race. In answer to the question how would I feel if my grave would be opened and my remains put on display? Well... I wouldn't give a damn! I believe when a person is dead, they are dead. A dead body is just a dead body. A skeleton is just a skeleton. If people were interested in viewing my remains, then let them! If something can be learned from it... good! But it won't happen anyway as I won't be leaving a body when I die! When I die I would like to donate every possible organ to those who need them and then I would like to be cremated. I would even consider donating my body to science just as long as it would be cremated afterwards. I quite like the idea of scientists exploring and learning from my brain! Haha! Yes, I'm weird, I know... So to be honest I don't know if the practice of opening graves and displaying the remains of people in museums is right or wrong. Even though my beliefs are that nothing happens after we die and that opening a grave doesn't do anything except expose a dead body, I'm not sure I think it is right to do that to people who probably held very different beliefs. My brain can be quite logical about it though and, to put it crudely, they're dead so what does it matter if their beliefs have been violated? But I feel in my heart that does it matter. Because although I would have no problem with my remains being put on display in a museum, I would be very upset if I learned that other beliefs I hold might be violated after my death. I seriously don't know! But I think maybe I lean towards disagreeing with this practice... This is a hard prompt! Regular readers of my blog will know that I am a MASSIVE fan of the singer/songwriter/musician David Ford. When I saw him perform at Union Chapel back in November I bought a whole load of EPs containing stuff I hadn't heard before and then copied them all on to CDs to play in my car. It has taken me a while to listen to all of them as I tend to prefer to play familiar songs when I am driving so I can sing along, but today I heard "Winter Stone" for the first time and oh my god! This has got to be one of the loveliest songs I have heard. I think "lovely" is the right word. The music is beautiful, his voice is divine and the lyrics are pure poetry. They tell such a nice story, in such a striking way. I feel that they are a metaphor for David's career and listening to it with that in mind really moved me. But damn. those lyrics! I wish, wish, wish I'd written them! Here they are for anyone interested. Wouldn't this just make a beautiful poem? Anyway, I had to write these out myself as I can't find them online so apologies if I got anything wrong. I am pretty good at mishearing song lyrics! Winter Stone by David Ford I carve my name in a cold mountain stone where the eyes of the world cannot see. But if you took the time, could commit to the climb, and if you looked, you could well find me. Oh if you look you could well find me. And I watch the ripples on the icy cold lake going out from these pebbles I’ve thrown. So if you see a gentle wave upon the shoreline come spring It could have come from that winter stone… it may have come from my winter stone. So I don’t mind if the book of the age doesn’t care to remember my name. See I gave my life to impossible love and I’d give it over again. See I know there’s still such a long way to go but I know that I’m never alone, ‘cos I know the love you put into the world will someday find its own way home. It will someday find its own way home; it will someday find its own way home. So, so beautiful. I think I'm going to have to borrow the line "I gave my life to impossible love" in a poem! And here is the song, which I have absolutely fallen in love with! [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| I have been thinking again about what I want to do in the future (I do this a lot!) and had been leaning towards occupational therapy, but now I think I am leaning back towards clinical psychology. Occupational therapy was beginning to seem more appealing to me because from my research it sounds like they can work more creatively than clinical psychologists. Also, I thought if I went down the occupational therapy route, I will be done with study quicker and therefore working much sooner than if I pursue clinical psychology. However... I've been thinking today that if I became a clinical psychologist, there is no reason why I couldn't work creatively. Who says I have to follow convention? Who says I couldn't take elements of occupational therapy and use it in psychology? Also, it slipped my mind that as well as clinical psychology doctorate programmes being funded, they are also waged. And trainees start at £25,783. So, although I will have to study for longer if I choose clinical psychology, I will be earning money sooner than if I choose occupational therapy, even if I take two years to do the conversion course, rather than one... that's if I get on a doctorate programme straight after finishing the master's conversion course! Though even if I didn't get on a programme straight away I could get other relevant paid work and apply again the following year.I just don't know how to decide this though, to be honest. The difficulty with going down the clinical psychology route is that I would need to do the master's conversion course first and this is not funded. I feel that there are two different options I could take to get this stage out the way, but I don't know which would be better. 1. I could save as much as possible from working this year then work part-time and complete the full-time course in one year. 2. I could try to work full-time and complete the part-time course over two years. I just don't know! Though I am tempted to try to work full-time because then I can try to get as much experience as possible. I think work experience is key to getting on a doctorate programme (one of the keys anyway!) How do I decide? I know I still need to shadow both a clinical psychologist and an occupational therapist. And I need to discuss it with people who know me well. And I need to seriously think about whether I have the stamina, determination and intelligence to be a clinical psychologist, because I think it will be harder than occupational therapy. But it's difficult to decide! ARGH! Recently I find myself feeling almost happy, and also positive and excited about the future. But then I get scared. I know I have come so, so far, but I am terrified of things unravelling again. But I just keep trying to remind myself that I have worked incredibly hard to get to this point and I can continue to work hard and keep moving forwards. If the clinical support worker job happens (I am still undergoing pre-employment checks right now) then I think it could be really good for me. I'm just worried that my anxiety, exhaustion and tendency to get overwhelmed could ruin everything. It just feels so daunting. Can I really work on a psychiatric ward? Can I really help other people? I don't know but I have to try, don't I?! |
| Forgive me for showing off but I am very happy to say I achieved a distinction for my psychology essay. Considering I worked so hard on it I am incredibly proud of this mark. This means I have a distinction overall for the first module, because I passed the two tests with distinctions too. Go me!  Now I really need to knuckle down for the second module, which I have been ignoring due to other stresses. I'm not too panicked though because I was late getting into the swing of things on the first module as well, and obviously that doesn't matter now. I don't think my grades will be as high for the second module because I am terrible at anything related to research and statistics, but I can only try my best, which I am determined to do now. My success on the first module is making me feel very motivated. Maybe I can pass this course? Maybe I can even pass the whole thing with distinction...? I can't believe I did so well on my essay! I guess hard work does pay off! |
| I am so scared that my job offer is going to be withdrawn because there seems to be some difficulties with my referees. My main referee is the lady who runs the RDA (where I volunteered) and because it is a charity run by volunteers she doesn't have a professional email address. Therefore it is rather difficult for me to prove she is who I say she is. Also, the difficulty with references is that they want one from my current employer. It feels rather terrifying to tell my manager I've had a job offer and am potentially leaving when that isn't set in stone yet. The job offer is conditional on me passing the pre-employment checks and could be withdrawn. I am worried I will be jeopardising my current position for one that isn't definite. My biggest fear right now though is the occupational health questionnaire. I want to be honest but will being honest mean I end up losing the job? I don't want them to think I can't handle it. They do know I have had mental health problems as I mentioned this briefly in both my application form and the interview, but they don't know the details and they don't know that in many ways I am still struggling. I suppose I can only hope that they will be open-minded and I should think that seeing as they are a mental health team, they will be. But I haven't been able to get past the first page of the health questionnaire because it is making me feel sick with worry. The second question is "do you have a disability or illness that affects your ability to work?" The honest answer to that is "yes" but answering yes makes me feel like I am walking into a trap. I think I can do this job with adjustments and I hope they will be able to see that.But I don't think I will cope if they withdraw the offer. |
| Oh, wow, I am still absolutely reeling! I'm just so overwhelmed right now. I can't believe that on Tuesday night I was contemplating suicide only to pull myself back from the brink yesterday to successfully land myself a job. And not just any job: the clinical support worker role! Do you know what this means? If I accept this job then it means I will have kick-started my career in the mental health field and will well and truly have set off down a completely new path in life. This is a pretty terrifying thought. I think accepting this job will mean I am following my heart into mental health, rather than following my brain into environmental conservation. Heart over head. Argh! Anyway, yesterday deserves a blow-by-blow account because it turned out to be so awesome! I was so anxious and depressed in the early hours of Wednesday morning that I actually wrote out an email to the recruiting officer saying I wanted to cancel the interview. But thank goodness I felt too anxious to send it! I then decided I would call my employment adviser at 9am to ask him to ring the recruiting officer and cancel it for me. But when my alarm went off at 9am, after hours of crying and just four hours sleep, I felt BRAVE and came back fighting. I decided to just go for it because one of my life philosophies is "try, then figure out the details later". I just thought to myself that even if I didn't get offered the job (or didn't feel it was right for me), that travelling all that way and pushing myself to take part in an interview would be a massive achievement under the circumstances and would probably give my confidence a huge boost. One of the reasons I was so anxious was the thought of the drive. Although I am a much more confident driver now, long journeys and driving to places I do not know still makes me very nervous. Plus the journey involved driving on the motorway, which I HATE, and which I have not done without a passenger to keep my company and ease my nerves! But I did it! I must admit, I had a moment of pure panic as I drove down the slipway to the motoway, but I merged into the traffic easily and the rest of the journey was just fine. Once I was in the town, I missed one turning, but I was able to put it right without too much trouble. I got there early and was able to scope out the building and then went to find a toilet in the local shopping mall because I was bursting!!! Then it was time to go in! My interview was scheduled for 12pm but the receptionist told me the panel was delayed. But eventually they called down for me and I was informed I had to go to the fifth floor. This made me anxious as I am scared of lifts! While I dithered in the hallway, contemplating whether I should take the stairs, a guy asked where I was looking for and I told him my dilemma. He was so nice and encouraged me to take the lift! He also asked if I had an interview and wished me luck for it. He also kept telling me to breathe! His friendliness was just what I needed to take the edge off my nerves. Anyway, the panel consisted of a lady and a man (the director of nursing and head of one of the wards) and they were just unbelievably lovely! They actually did a group/panel interview for this position last week but I asked for some adjustments due to my Asperger Syndrome and anxiety. One of those adjustments was to have the interview in a different format because group interviews put me at a disadvantage and I am so shocked and grateful that they accommodated this. Although I asked for it I didn't think they would agree to it. One of the other adjustments I'd asked for was for the interview questions to be provided in written format. This is because I process written information more easily than verbal. Unfortunately there had been some confusion over this one and they hadn't done it and the lady interviewer seemed so worried about this! I said it was okay but she said if I felt I needed it once we got going, we could stop and she would sort something out. She also said if I needed to stop at any point to gather my thoughts, we could do that and then start afresh. They were pretty awesome in making allowances for my disability -- I was blown away, to be honest. So the actual interview! I don't want to talk about the answers I gave because although I was successful I am cringing at some of the things I said and beating myself up over stuff I should have said! I know that's stupid but I can't help myself. One adjustment I asked for was that they be aware I may need prompting to provide all the relevant information. This is because I can have trouble gauging exactly what people are wanting to know. The lady interviewer in particular was really good at this and prompted me a lot, which I am extremely grateful for. I also asked that they avoid scenario type questions if possible because these can be too abstract for me to answer well enough. They did ask me a couple of these but prefaced them by saying they could rephrase them if I needed them too. But it wasn't too bad. I totally blanked on one for a minute or so because I couldn't immediately figure out what they were trying to get from me, but I got there in the end and think I gave a pretty good answer. And then it was over! Once they had finished with their questions, and I'd asked a few, I said something about being worried how I come across in interviews because they are not the best format for me to express myself in, but they were both quick to reassure me that it was fine and the guy said I had done well. I also thanked them for accommodating my adjustments and tried to convey just how overwhelmingly grateful I am that they were even willing to change the whole interview format for me. The woman responded to that by saying, "it's the least we could do." I'm not too sure what she meant by that. She also looked pretty emotional when she said it, which was weird but nice! I'm not sure why she reacted like that. So I left and the journey back home went smoothly. I felt exhausted and wanted to nap before work but couldn't switch my mind off so I blogged instead. And then in the middle of writing my blog entry yesterday I got a phonecall! It was the male interviewer and after introducing himself he said something along the lines of, "I'll just get right to the point", which made my heart sink because I thought he was just wanting to tell me the bad news as quickly as possible. But then he said "congratulations!" ARGH!!!!!! Today I have received all the paperwork and there are about ten different forms to fill in (I'm not even kidding!) The offer is conditional on passing the pre-employment checks, which includes providing references and getting cleared by occupational health. I am scared about the occupational health thing and worried about declaring my various problems. I am about 80% sure right now that I am going to accept this job. I'm just so scared about going from 21 hours a week, to 37.5 hours a week, plus a 40 minute commute each way. I just don't know if I can handle that. But I think I have to try. If I didn't I would always be thinking "what if?" and I hate thinking that! I might ask if it would be possible to start off part time and build up to full time. I'm not sure though! I'm just so shocked this has happened. It doesn't even feel real. And I am just completely and utterly overwhelmed! But considering how close I came to cancelling it, I almost feel like it is meant to be. Maybe it is! Maybe this is the start of better things to come for me. Maybe this means my life is finally back on track? |
| Prompt from Blog City: It is a dark night and you see a white glowing angel. What do you think it means? Absolutely nothing. It's either some kind of optical illusion or it's a neon sign above the doorway of some seedy strip club called Angels Delight or something like that. Haha! (I'm in a bad mood, can you tell?) But I don't believe in angels of the glowing kind. Angels do exist though. They are the people who slog away at something, trying to make a difference for very little in return. I guess they are people like the nurses and teachers who are in their respective profession because they truly care. They work in tough conditions and constantly get slammed by the government but still they battle on and I have the utmost respect for them. You know, it makes me absolutely sick that premier league footballers make in a week what teachers and nurses probably get in a year. In what universe does that make sense? Not the universe I'm occupying! How can we live in a society that let's that happen? That seems to value kicking a leather ball around a muddy field over caring for sick, vulnerable people or educating children? It completely baffles me. What more can I say? My interview yesterday went pretty crappy. It was ridiculously short and the interviewers often did not give me the chance to elaborate on things I would have liked to elaborate on. So I feel that I didn't really get the opportunity to sell myself. Also, one of the interviewers actually seemed intimidated by me though I'm not sure I can explain why I think that. She said my application was very impressive but from her manner I feel that having an impressive application may be a source of irritation to her. Perhaps she is crap at applications and felt jealous! I may seem intimidating on paper but in reality I am five feet tall, still weigh under 90lbs and get a shaky voice when I am nervous. There is absolutely nothing intimidating about me and I can't even scare a mouse (which I have evidence of from when I took photos of a mouse in my garden that was so unconcerned by me being a foot away that it continued to gorge itself on birdseed that had fallen off the bird table!) But perhaps my qualifications and experiences are intimidating to some people? I don't know! Anyway, last night I had a MAJOR meltdown (see last entry!) and was all set to cancel today's interview because I just felt way too anxious about the drive and going through yet another ridiculous process in which I attempt to pull thoughts out of the fog that pools into my mind in situations like that. Interviews are so stupid. How can you possibly judge if someone is a good candidate when they are desperately trying to present themselves in the best possible light? I just hate the whole concept of interviews and wish it was possible to do job trials instead. But... despite feeling so bad last night, I woke up feeling brave and decided to just go for it. I'm nothing if not a trier. Getting there involved driving on the motorway (which makes me nervous) alone (which makes me even more nervous) but everything went smoothly and I got there in plenty of time. The interviewers were lovely. Beyond lovely! I had asked for some interview adjustments to prevent my anxiety and Asperger Syndrome from putting me at a disadvantage and they..... WHOA! I just got a phonecall before I could even finish the above sentence and have been told that I GOT THE JOB!!!! They said my answers were brilliant, I did very well despite my nerves and they think my values are in line with what they are looking for. I am in shock. I am shaking. I want to accept it but I have my reservations because it is such a commute and may be full time. And I know it will be a demanding job. But I want to work for the NHS so badly and I want to work for the people who interviewed me today because they worked so hard to accommodate the adjustments I asked for and to put me at ease. I think I want to go for it... I can't believe this has happened. |
| Ever just feel done? That is how I am feeling right now. I don't know why I'm struggling on in a job I hate and that causes me huge amounts of anxiety. I don't know why I am kidding myself that I can pass my course. I don't know why I am trying to fit into a world in which the majority of people I come in to contact with don't like me. And I don't know why I am still working towards a future I can't even see anymore. And still I can't let go. I am holding the pieces of my shattered life together even though I don't have the strength or will to do it anymore because I am too afraid of what will happen if I just let them go. I desperately want to take some time out from life but I don't know how to do that. Or I want someone to take the reins of my life for a bit because I am too exhausted to keep trying to control this crazy beast. I want to die but I am too scared to do it. I don't know how to let go. |
| I have to say, I feel really isolated these days. I know it is my fault as I just don't have the time to be active on WDC right now or to maintain contact with people as much as I would like. I am not feeling well, mentally or physically, and that is affecting everything, including work and university. As I said in a recent blog entry, I had to take some time off work sick. And I haven't studied in a couple of weeks now. So I am desperately trying to get both these things back on track. Everything is falling apart, to be honest, and I don't know how to hold it all together. Tomorrow I have an interview which I am planning on attending, despite having a bad toothache and feeling so low I don't want to be alive anymore. I have told my psychiatrist, care coordinator and GP that I am feeling extremely depressed but nobody seems to believe me because my actions don't match my words. Yes, I am still functioning. Yes, I am acting chatty (for me) and upbeat around people, but that's just me. That's what I do. If I do decide to kill myself I will be functioning right up until the moment I die. It will be a massive shock, I'm sure, to all the professionals who decided to go by how I am acting and not what I am saying. But back to feeling isolated... I wish I could be online more and be involved in stuff here. I wish I had friends in my offline life. It is awful to be so lonely. Part of me was hoping to be able to make friends at work but that isn't going to happen as I seriously dislike all but one of my colleagues and the person I actually do like is the one I work with the least amount, unfortunately. I do not want to be friends with the others because I consider them to be rude and I find rudeness extremely irritating and hard to tolerate. But even if that wasn't the case, they don't seem to want to be friends with me anyway. Sorry if there are any mistakes in this entry... my new medication kicks in around an hour after taking it and makes me very drowsy. This entry has taken me so long to write that it is now starting to kick in! So I should go to bed. Hopefully I will be able to get an emergency dental appointment tomorrow and hopefully my interview will go well. Please wish me luck! |
| This is my first blog entry in nine days, apparently... Vandaag was ik in het ziekenhuis, maar ik ben ok... sort of! (I don't know how to to say "sort of" in Dutch and Google translate is not to be trusted on a phrase like that as I believe it often translates literally and a literal translation may not make sense). Anyway the above says, "Today I was in the hospital, but I am ok... sort of." I had an investigative test (I'll spare anyone reading this the details) and it was normal, which I should feel relieved about, but I actually feel pretty frustrated about. I have had digestive-related problems (such as excessive bloating among other things) for a long time now and nobody can find what is causing them. I feel that the doctors are ready to give up on me yet again (they did once and discharged me but I kept going on about it all to my GP and he referred me back). I think I am going to end up with an Irritable Bowel Syndrome diagnosis, even though the symptoms don't fit me and the medication used for IBS doesn't work for me. I think I am getting some other specialist tests soon though and maybe they will show something (as long as I am brave enough to go through with them) So... fun times! The procedure was NOT fun and the preparation for it was even worse. It has been a traumatic couple of days and it hasn't even hit me properly yet. I think I will be crying a lot later! I feel pretty low.I am taking a new medicine for my anxiety (quetiapine) and have been feeling really depressed since starting it. But enough about that! In other news, I have been off work since yesterday as I booked some annual leave. I'm back in again on Sunday. Also, I have two interviews next week. One is for a ward clerk at the local hospital. I have never done an administrative job before but I am willing to try if I get it. It's not something I want to do forever (or think I will find sufficiently interesting and challenging) but it would give me experience of working for the NHS and working for the NHS is a goal of mine. The other interview is for another NHS position (clinical support worker) which sounds amazing and would be awesome experience for what I want to do in the future, but isn't local and may not be part time. So there are pros and cons to both, really. I'm going to try my best at both and see what happens, which is all I can do, I suppose. I just know that I need to get out of my current role as soon as possible because the bad things about the job far outweigh the good things and I know I can't cope doing it long-term. I don't like the company or my colleagues and things about the job often frustrate and upset me. I feel powerless to change things that I know need changing and that isn't good for my sanity. So I need to get out! Please wish me luck. |
| I called in sick again. I'm so torn over whether or not take a couple of weeks of sick leave. On the one hand I know I need it and I really want a break. I want to use the time to get into a routine with studying the second module of my course. And I also want to establish a routine for exercise and eating healthily. I'm worried that if I push myself to keep working I will reach burnout or make an error at work. On the other hand, it doesn't look good to take sick leave when I have only been in the job for three months. I am still in the probationary period and I am anxious that I could lose my job. There are rules and laws to protect people with disabilities but I know there are ways for employers to work around them, for example by making out an employee is incompetent (when they are not) and firing them for that to mask the fact that they are really being fired for being disabled. So whatever I decide to do I am risking my job. I went to pilates today for the first time since August. I want to start exercising more because I think it will help with my body image issues. I've decided that I am going to do a combination of pilates, yoga, cycling and swimming and I am aiming to do at least 20 minutes of exercise every day, apart from Saturday which will be my day off. I feel that I have put on too much weight on my legs and stomach and I want to lose it, and I want to tone up too. Screw eating disorder recovery. I can't seem to restrict as much as I used to, but I can a bit so that, combined with exercising, should help me get the weight off. This is warped, I know, but I can't help it. I told my eating disorder therapist I'm disappointed and frustrated with the therapy because I wanted more out of it. I said I didn't get the point of it and she said the aim of CAT therapy is for patients to gain a better understanding of their issues. I already have a good understanding of my issues but that isn't helping me to fix them. I need help with my body image if I am going to recover from my eating disorder but I don't know how or where to get that help.I am seeing my care coordinator tomorrow and am hoping to talk through these problems concerning work and my weight etc. I hope she can help me figure out what to do about work because I can't make up my mind. Everything feels so messed up right now and I don't know how to cope. Prompt from Blog City: What is the most difficult task for you in living your life--day to day, or if you wish, in general? It might be easier to list the things that are not difficult! When you are depressed and anxious most tasks become arduous and it can take a huge amount of effort just to get out of bed, showered and dressed. One thing I struggle with a lot is dealing with letters, especially anything related to the bank, tax or my student loan. I get confused by financial stuff and am often tempted to just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist rather than deal with it. Thankfully I only do that if I am really depressed, otherwise I force myself to look through it and do anything that needs doing (like sending off tax forms etc). Other tasks that I find difficult are housework and walking my dog. Housework is tough because I struggle to find the motivation to do it. Also, I have bad allergies and dusting always sets them off. As for walking Jade... I love my dog but she has become hard work in her old age and she can be a nightmare on walks. She stops often and refuses to move, rolls and refuses to get up and has become incredibly aggressive to other dogs, barking and lunging at them. She has never been friendly with other dogs but I had got to a point where we could pass them without her getting upset. Now I think a combination of her dementia and feeling vulnerable due to her poor eyesight and hearing is the cause of her behaviour deteriorating in this area. But at fourteen and half years old I think she is entitled to be a little grumpy! |
| Last night I started to get really depressed and anxious and ended up only getting about three hours sleep. I still felt awful when I woke up and decided to make an appointment to see my GP. I wanted to write down the stuff that is bothering me at the moment but I didn't get chance and so like usual I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. My doctor was as lovely and supportive as always but is very limited in what he can do. He just talked with me, basically, which I kind of needed. I told him I am stressed about the hospital tests I have to get and he tried to reassure me about them. I also talked with him a fair bit about how much I am struggling with my weight gain and he said he would actually like me to put on a bit more weight. (Haha! No! That's not going to happen if I can help it). I don't think he really gets the whole body image/eating disorder thing but he tries to understand and he tries to help and that is all I can ask for. As my anxiety is increasing and my sleep is bad the doctor has prescribed me more lorazepam, but I said although they are helpful, I'm not sure if I can take them because of work. I was hoping he would suggest signing me off for a short time while I get a handle on my anxiety and use the medication, but he didn't and I didn't feel able to ask for that, even though I know that would be good for me right now. After that I went to my therapy session and I was pretty down in that appointment and kind of hostile for some reason. I think I'm just feeling it because I have one session left and I'm so frustrated by the whole process and how it feels like a waste of time. But things got better towards the end of the session and I was able to talk about how much I am struggling and how I wanted to ask the doctor to sign me off work for a week or two. We discussed that and my therapist thinks it would be a good idea. She is going to email my care coordinator about it and ask her to help me approach the GP about it. I'm hoping the GP will do it but I'm not sure. He thinks the job is good for me, and it is, but as my therapist pointed out, I just need some time to regroup mentally. I think this will stop me losing the job. I felt so anxious after my appointment that I ended up calling in sick to work. I really need to change my shift pattern otherwise calling in sick is going to become a regular occurrence I think. This is an adjustment I have asked for but I suppose I really need to follow it up. Everything is so hard right now and to make matters worse today I received a copy of a letter from my psychiatrist to my GP in which he says I am not showing symptoms of depression. What?! Is feeling so down I want to die not an indication of depression? Whatever. I think I need to face up to the fact that the mental health team is not going to help me. I am so scared. I am exhausted and scared and pretty much done, I think. |
| Oh my god, kill me now! I am working through the learning materials for the second module of my course and have just had my first go at using SPSS (a software package used for statistical analysis). It is hard. I am also trying to learn about different types of research design and how to identify the independent and dependent variables in research but I just can't seem to grasp it. I have used statistics before and I've even carried out research before but those were for my biology degree and though still incredibly hard, they seemed much simpler than what I am trying to do now. I am seriously worried about this module and have no idea how I am going to pass it. I also don't know how I am going to study such a complex topic as I will be pretty busy for the next couple of weeks. I am working every evening Monday-Friday this week and also have appointments with my eating disorder therapist and care coordinator. Mark is coming on Wednesday and I would like to spend some time with him and we are going to see in David Ford in concert at Northampton on Saturday. Then the following week I have an appointment with my employment advisor on Tuesday, my interview on Wednesday, a hospital procedure on Thursday, an appointment with my GP on Friday and Mark and I are going to see David Ford again on the Saturday (this time in London). Phew! I don't know how I am going to cope. It is very tempting to just ignore the psychology course for a couple of weeks but I don't want to fall too far behind. So I am aiming to try and do what I can in between everything else. It's going to be tough though. I have been pretty productive today. I have mostly been studying for the research methods module, but I have also studied some Dutch and I even managed to fit in a bike ride. I haven't been riding my bike much over the last two weeks because I was so stressed and busy with trying to get my essay done. But I want to start cycling more now so I can get some more exercise. Walking Jade is no longer enough because she can't walk as far now. I feel like my life is pretty much just work and study and I have hardly been writing or reading for pleasure at all because I just don't have time. That makes me sad. I guess I am still struggling to find balance but I just don't know how. I am dreading tomorrow because I have eating disorder therapy and I don't think it is going to go especially well. This is one of my last sessions and I need to tell the therapist that I don't feel like I have made any progress and that I think things will get worse because I haven't learned anything from therapy and I am not coping with the weight I have put on. I'm trying to figure out a way to say these things without offending her or pissing her off! I don't think it will make a difference though. I don't think she will allow me to continue in therapy and I don't think she will refer me elsewhere because there probably isn't an elsewhere. I don't know what is going to happen to me when it comes to my eating disorder. I also had some bad news from my care coordinator. Apparently the mental health team is changing and they are now only going to offer time-limited group treatments. This is an absolute disaster for people like me who have multiple, complex issues and also communication problems. I just took part in a support group for people with Asperger Syndrome and mental health problems and it was pointless me even being there. I couldn't contribute and I didn't get anything from the group. Time-limited group treatment will not help me and many others and I said to my care coordinator that I bet a lot of people who go through treatment and get discharged will just be referred straight back again because they will still need support. It just seems so ridiculous to me and I am scared. |
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