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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: A Perfect Sonnet [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: Imagine what the world would be like today if humans had never discovered/invented _________ (fill in the blank).Ah, I'm getting behind. This is why I always try to post an entry before I go to sleep the day the prompt is released. The next day it gets way too easy for me to get busy doing other things and then I forget about writing my entry.  I also need to catch up on commenting for yesterday's prompt. This is a time-consuming challenge if you're doing everything involved in it for real.  Let's see, what would the world be like if humans never discovered/invented __________ internet. Well, none of us would know each other probably, so there's that. I vaguely remember a time before internet, but not really. It's basically a utility in 2020 and I think it should be treated as such. Imagine being a kid now during the pandemic without internet. I know it's happening in some communities and I can't imagine how stressful that must be for the kids and parents. More than pre-internet, I remember pre-everyone having a cell phone. I remember just having a house phone and not being able to readily communicate with anyone at any time. vaccines and treatments. I mean, imagine if we didn't have antibiotics? Just the most basic thing that we take for granted. People would die so much more easily and likely at a younger age if we didn't have antibiotics. We have historical accounts of times before vaccines and modern medicine. I've seen art depicting people with smallpox and other diseases. I've read firsthand accounts of plagues. The current pandemic is bad, but it's nothing compared to what our distant ancestors went through before modern medicine. time. Can you imagine not having a concept of time? Phases of the moon were originally used to measure the passage of time. It's really interesting to dig into how time was originally measured by different groups of people.We use the Gregorian calendar, which was introduced in 1582. It was a revision of the Julian calendar (which was a reform of the Roman calendar). It's crazy because time basically means nothing. During all of these revisions, they were just adding and taking away days from the previous calendar. If you're looking back in time at something, you can't even line up the date accurately without taking into consideration the calendar that was used then vs. the calendar that we use now. Like, for example, today is 11 July according to the Gregorian calendar, but it's 28 June according to the Julian calendar. arts. Imagine if people just never discovered the concept of art. We wouldn't have any of the music, paintings, sculptures, writings, movies, that we have today. Maybe I'm getting too existential on the prompt, but it's weird to think about a world without any form of art. Can you imagine if you just worked all day and then you couldn't come home and read a book or write a story or listen to music on your commute because that stuff just... didn't exist? Here are some of the oldest pieces of art discovered, if you're interested.I guess I'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments And watch all dissolve into a single second |
Artist: Cigarettes After Sex Song: Apocalypse [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Go somewhere outside or where you can observe the happenings of the world beyond the walls of your home (looking out a window is fine). Spend at least five minutes watching and listening. What do you see, hear, and smell? Where does your mind wander when you sit quietly?What is "outside"? Sounds scary. Just kidding. I'm writing this entry from the balcony of my new apartment and having a drink. It's very warm here, like in the 80s still as I'm writing this. It's going to storm tonight. You can smell the summer storm looming even though it's not particularly humid or windy at the moment. It's a pretty quiet night, very relaxing. I can see cars, buildings, and I can hear some neighbors talking. A dog barking. The usual. I have trouble sitting quietly and finding peace in things. This year is very stressful, and I've pretty much just been at home for months aside from moving. It's a lonely year. Even though I'm not alone, I never realized how social I actually am. Because I tend to need to be alone to re-energize, it's easy to forget that I really am usually around way more people than I am now. In the Before Times (to quote Robert Waltz  ), I was at work for like 50 hours a week surrounded by people and I was still going out most weekends to visit friends or family. 2020 has me feeling a bit claustrophobic, like I'm losing track of time and just a lot going on but also nothing going on. The virus is a weird thing too because a lot of people are just going about their business as normal. They're still seeing everyone they usually see and not much has been interrupted for them. I can't do that. I'm way too scared of getting people sick. I've seen news stories where like ten family members have gotten sick or died from the virus after a birthday party... I would feel so horrible. But it creates this weird thing because I am in my twenties and people are like, "Hey dude, come see me. It'll just be like a cold for you anyway." And I'm just not willing to do it and risk bringing home the virus or taking it with me to the grocery store. Oh, I just heard a firework. So, yeah, that's still a thing apparently. Kind of snapped me out of the moment there. Not really sure what point I was making. Except that this year is a bit lonely and I don't know when I'll be able to comfortably go see family again or visit with friends. Quiet moments like this remind me of everything that's going on and how everything was before. I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable again doing the things I did in the Before Times. Everything about this year is taking a psychological toll. Oh, and I'm still in terrible pain as I continue to very slowly heal from surgery. Got the music in you baby, tell me why You've been locked in here forever and you just can't say goodbye |
Artist: Catfish and the Bottlemen Song: Longshot [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about the last time you did something nice for yourself.The year was 1996... The Macarena was playing over the loudspeakers. Okay, I guess I've probably been nice to myself at least once since then. Nice, nice, nice.Nice is such a "nice" word. What does it even mean? Is nice something the feels really good in the moment and then you live to regret it? If so, I'm nice to myself all the time. Nice has to be something more than "you" time. That's what I'm declaring for this prompt. Because responding to this prompt is something we're all doing in our personal time. We've all given ourselves 10 or 20 minutes or whatever to write a blog entry today. That's not nice, it's a hobby. And by that reasoning, going for a walk, taking a bath, reading a book, watching a movie, and taking a nap is not something nice you've done for yourself. I mean, one of those is just basic hygiene. Another is exercise. The reason I say this is because sometimes people are like, "I'm gonna treat myself today! I'm gonna take a bath." And I'm like that's cool and all but you were supposed to either take a shower or take a bath today anyway, so it's a 50/50 shot of 'treating yourself' everyday? I dunno. I think something that's genuinely nice for yourself should have a somewhat lasting positive effect on your well-being or your life. It can be something as simple as treating yourself to a new computer after months of attempting to work on an old laptop that's breaking down on you. It has a lasting effect because you can spend the next however many years with the peace of mind to write knowing that your computer won't crap out mid-sentence. Or something like a vacation because you're giving yourself a nice experience that you'll always have with you. Keeping in theme of my definition for the prompt, I think the last nice thing I did for myself was graduating college in December. It has already opened up so many doors for me in terms of my career. I'm developing a lot of transferrable and highly sought after skills in my post-grad job. Obviously, this year isn't ideal for learning your first serious job. There are always uncertainties, but I'm in a better position now than I was one year ago all because I made a decision to do something nice for myself. Starting university was not easy for me after dropping out of high school several years before. Between myself and the people who know me, education and I had only ended with me calling it quits. There was a lot of doubt that I could see it through and that going into debt would be worth it. But I decided that I wanted to see myself in a better situation with better opportunities so I did something nice by believing in myself when it felt impossible. And we lapped it up and we’re wise enough to know How it goes, forgive me, honey But we’re wise enough to know How it goes |
Artist: Smashing Pumpkins Song: Zero [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What historical events, besides your own birth, occurred on your birthday in the year you were born?Shocker. The most important thing that happened on my exact birthday seems to be my birthday. Not gonna lie, this prompt turned out to be depressing. I mean, I found this site that says I have, like, 40 more years to work.  I went through a few websites and it seems like nothing much was happening on my birthday. There was a rugby player I've never heard of born the same day, if that counts as a historical event? A lot of these sites are very scammy, aren't they? A lot of pop-ups and just bad site designs. I finally found this site which has the top headlines for that day: Dec 17 - NBA's most lopsided game Cleveland beats Miami 148-80 Dec 17 - Soap opera "One Life To Live" airs its 6,000th episode Dec 17 - Patrick Manning becomes premier of Trinidad & TobagoSo, with that being said, I'm still saying my birthday was the most important event that day.  This isn't a bad problem to have though. Some people's birthdays are overshadowed by major holidays. Even worse, some people's birthdays are essentially blacked out by horrific tragedies. I knew someone born on 9/11, not the same year as the terrorist attacks, but they hated it because their birthday ended up being a remembrance day of a bad event. I don't care much about my birthday, but I'd rather it be some random boring day than a day where it's awkward to celebrate. I'll look forward to reading people's entries today to see if anyone had anything major happen on their exact birthday. It's a bit of a needle in the haystack with such an precise date. But if you want to see a timeline of things that happened on your birth month and day, I recommend On This Day . It goes all the way back in time and is pretty interesting. For example, on Dec. 17: 1538 - Pope Paul II excommunicated King Henry VIII of England. 1903 - The Wright brothers make the 1st sustained motorized aircraft flight at 10:35 AM, piloted by Orville Wright at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. 1989 - "The Simpsons" created by Matt Groening, premieres on Fox TV as a full animated series with the episode, "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire".Lots of cool stuff out there if we broaden our horizons a little.  Intoxicated with the madness I'm in love with my sadness |
Artist: Tigers Jaw Song: Plane vs. Tank vs. Submarine [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What do you do when you are out of inspiration or ideas?What perfect timing for this prompt when I'm having difficulty doing so much as writing a blog entry.  This entry is going to turn into a rant, I just know it. My anxiety is getting to me. It's terrible. I'm trying not to take anything because I saw the surgeon and my body is still trying to heal from surgery. I'm assuming taking random pills doesn't help with that process, although I'm not a doctor.I've just been taking shit at random for weeks in an attempt to calm the pain and also just the anxiety that this entire year is causing. Everything feels bad. I know I'm probably actively working against my body's process of recovery, but it's hard, when you're in pain for months and also worrying about all the things this year has thrown at everyone. I don't know. The point is that I saw the surgeon and he said I need to be taking really good care of myself so I can heal. And I haven't exactly been doing that... So I'm making another attempt, but it's difficult with the anxiety and pain. I just want to feel some kind of peace, even if it's fleeting. But anyway, I guess I should directly answer the prompt. I don't force myself to be creative when I don't have inspiration for it. That's why I've written so little in terms of creative writing in the past few years. For me, writing is a hobby. I refuse to force myself to do my hobbies after working against my will all day.  As my bio here says, I write when it feels right. I do have other creative outlets though. I keep a handwritten journal. I draw and do digital painting. I color in those adult colouring books sometimes. I used to play a fair amount of bass guitar. I read a lot and sketch the scenes out as I read. I play video games. Essentially, what I'm getting at is that I have a lot of hobbies. If one of them isn't striking my mood, I just move onto the next one. I don't think writing prompts help me as much as I once thought they did. Image prompts are the most effective at inspiring me to write, but even those often don't do the trick. Things have to line up perfectly for me to write a poem at this point. I do too much analyzing at work and it's not conducive for creative writing for me. But I have enough stuff to beat myself up over. If I ever get back into writing a lot of poetry or whatever, cool. If not, I'll be content with my other hobbies. I don't have enough time for all of them anyway. And this was all a dream And it's coming back to me A portrait in grey scale A perfect betrayal And I can't even breathe |
Artist: Germs Song: Media Blitz [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Is there such a thing as “unbiased reporting?” (Consider not just journalism, but storytelling - is it possible to tell a story without bias?)I had to go straight to the definition of biased for this one, because I feel like in recent years the word 'biased' itself has gotten a bit diluted. Often, I feel like people call something 'biased' when there is even a hint of personal opinion in the matter, but I'm pretty sure that's not the actual definition of biased. Merriam-Webster definition for bias is "an inclination of temperament or outlook; especially : a personal and sometimes unreasoned judgment : PREJUDICESo, an opinion could make someone biased, if that person's opinion held prejudice against alternative conclusions. Having an opinion alone doesn't = biased. You can have a general opinion on a topic without having a foregone conclusion on the matter. Everyone has opinions and if an opinion alone was biased, then the answer to the prompt would likely be that no, there is no such thing as unbiased reporting. I do think it's difficult to find unbiased reporting, especially with the current state of things. Everything is sensationalized. I don't know how many times someone has thrown a 'fact' in my face and been totally outraged, only for me to open up google, search it, and realize within 15 seconds that someone made up that 'fact' on Twitter and now it's just everywhere. On one hand, I always feel bad correcting the person. Feel like a dick every time I say, "Well, actually, nothing you're talking about happened. There's no reason to be upset because this situation didn't occur. So, yeah..." Quick way to end conversations, when really what I'm trying to say is, "Hey, maybe don't believe everything you read on a random internet meme whose source is a 14 year old on social media." Kinda feels like something I shouldn't have to explain to adults, but ok. And this is on every 'side' by the way. I've firsthand witnessed this happen with people of all different belief systems. There's an absolute outrage culture everywhere. If someone wants to believe something hard enough, they can easily find 'sources' to fuel their rage. It's an absolute embarrassment though when someone sends me something all outraged and it's like, "Cool, so, that literally didn't happen and now you're upset for no reason. Awkward." People rarely fully back down from these situations too. They hardly if ever say, "Well, fuck me, I looked too quickly without checking out the source. Sorry for spreading misinformation. I'll make sure I do a quick google search before getting all worked up next time." It has happened ZERO times out of all the times I've confronted someone for propagating fake news. Best case scenario, the person blames it on the source. "Well, I saw it on Facebook and it had like 50K shares so I dunno..." Or, "Well, there was something else very similar to this that did happen so it's not a stretch to believe it. I guess this one wasn't real, but there's a lot of real ones like this." Worst case scenario, they become infuriated and double down to the point where I just end the conversation because it's not worth having. Just to reiterate, I've had this happen with every side of politics/belief systems. Just as an example of what I'm talking about, back at the beginning of quarantine, my mother messaged me and said that there was breaking scientific evidence that heat killed the virus. Of course, I was like, "Oh wow, seriously? Where'd you hear that?" So she sent me a link to a website that she saw somewhere on social media. It was a straight up Russian propaganda site. We're talking soviet hammer & sickle, all red background, the 'about' section was all in Russian even though the article said that US scientists had found that the virus dies with hot temperatures. Just for reference, not that it matters, but my parents absolutely hate Trump and vote democrat. The reason I say that is because Trump also said that the virus would die with heat, so just pointing out that this was not someone who was directly believing Trump and using a shady website as reference. This was someone who actually loathes him. Anyway, the last thing you want to do in these situations is shame the other person. People don't learn when they're humiliated, it just adds to a pile of rage that will build up inside of them over time. Even though I've been condescending here and there in this entry, I'm not like that at all when a situation like this arises. I just pointed out that I wasn't sure about the reliability of the website and asked her what she thought. She then came back a minute later saying, "Oh, hmmm. Yeah, not sure if the site is a good source but my cousin just posted it. That would be good if it did disappear with heat though. Fingers crossed!" Since then every time she has breaking news she jokes that the source isn't in Russian. As far as news sources go, I think the Associated Press does a fairly good job of just laying out the facts without twisting their headlines or using sensationalist terminology to rile people up. I don't check out the news too frequently, but I'll check in with the AP occasionally just to see what's going on. That doesn't mean there's no biases in their reporting, but their headlines certainly seem more straightforward and less dramatic than the average news source. People's perspective, their history, their experiences, their personality... all of that plays a role in the reliability of their reporting. There's a reason eyewitnesses are notoriously unreliable. Whether it's the news or a personal retelling of a story (e.g. the fish was this big!), we can't strip away people's perspectives and potential biases. In order to be reliable reporters, we need a couple things, in my opinion: 1. The willingness and capability to change our minds when presented with new information. 2. The self-awareness to recognize our own blindspots. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be a ton of interest in those two things. But it makes sense. We live in a world where people want to sell a story, whether it's for ratings/money (hello, media) or as a means of pushing their ideologies onto others (hello, random citizens). My rule of thumb is to not believe anything I hear until I've investigated it myself through a variety of sources. I've got television I've got supervision No decisions for you Media blitz, media blitz |
Artist: Soundgarden Song: 4th of July [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Tell us about someone you find inspirational.Ouch, difficult prompt for me. I don’t have the tendency to be inspired by people. There is good and bad in everyone. Unless you directly know the person who inspires you, a quick google search will show you that they have plenty of skeletons in their closet. There is truth in the saying, “Never meet your heroes.” Certain human urges get a lot of people into trouble. I’m a big believer in the idea that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I think a lot of would-be inspirational people get to a point in life where they feel invincible, as if they could do anything and still be powerful (via fame, wealth, popularity, or all of the aforementioned combined). That’s when you see true human nature and it’s clearly evident why no human should be worshipped in any type of way. I do believe those people can act in an inspirational way at times, but anyone can be inspirational. People uplift themselves from shitty situations all the time. People take action where action is needed without the hope of any type of recognition. Truly inspirational people aren’t those you’d see on television or in the news because they’re people who build their lives up through small, seemingly insignificant displays of daily inspiration. For the sake of the prompt (and to stop myself from drunken rambling), I’ll choose a person who I find at least mildly inspirational. Bob Ross. I adore watching him paint. He has such a calming effect. During the filming of Joy of Painting, he lost his wife to cancer and was himself battling with lymphoma which took his life too soon at the age of 52. You would never know that he was going through all of this from watching his show. He maintained such a stoic and calm presence. It’s a gift to people even today to be able to relax and watch him paint. I always put Bob Ross on when I’m feeling a bit panicky and need to mellow out. He chose to be very private about his battles and put on a brave public face. I respect that a lot because I know it’s something I could never be strong enough to do. Was he a perfect person? Undoubtedly no. There are no perfect people. We all have dark and light in us. But he chose to share his light while keeping his dark below the surface and that’s fairly inspirational to me. Cause I heard it in the wind And I saw it in the sky And I thought it was the end And I thought it was the 4th of July |
Artist: From First To Last Song: Note to Self [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation?I've actually thought about this before... for 4 months straight. So, when I was in university I had a semester-long speech class. Between the normal speeches we had to do, each week random students would be called on to deliver an impromptu speech. It was guaranteed that throughout the 4-month semester, each student would be called on at least once. The caveat was that you were given a topic when you were called on. A couple of the topics I remember from these impromptu speeches were things like are tests a good indicator of knowledge, worst job experience, what you'd take to a deserted island, best methods of learning, positives and negatives of technology... Just totally random stuff. Twice a week for two months I sat in this class thinking, Ugh, just call on me for the impromptu speech already... But of course, it didn't happen until the week before the final speech. The point is that I had a lot of time to think about which topics I could easily tackle and which would be an utter nightmare. Here's what I came up with... Things I should talk about never. First category is topics I was silently and telepathically begging to not be given. Sports. I have nothing against them. I just don’t care at all. There was one topic in class related to how effective school sports are at building teamwork skills. Pop culture. I didn’t feel like I knew enough pop culture at the time to do a speech on things like “Which celebrities today are good role models for children?” History. I have a big gap in my knowledge when it comes to history. I would look super dumb trying to give a history-related speech. In recent years, I’ve tried to read more about history and educate myself a little. But still, no.Things I could talk about for 40 minutes. Okay, first of all, 40 minutes is a really long time. I think our speeches were 10-15 minutes total in class. I'm honestly not sure if I could stutter my way through 40 minutes of anything. But if I had to, these are the topics I'd choose for myself. Mental health. From disorders to medications to treatment options to the history of mental illness, I could easily talk this subject into the ground at a moment’s notice. For all of my planned speeches in that class, I did mental health topics. I’m obviously a big advocate for mental health wellness. Finance/Accounting. This is what I went to school for and it’s what I do for work, so hopefully I’d be able to come up with 40 minutes of material on it after all these years. I’ve posted about personal finance before in my blog, but kept it very surface level as to not bore people to tears. Books/Writing. That’s what brought us all together in the first place, right? Surely we could all talk about our favorite authors and poets for 40 minutes. Personally, when I read a really good book I can just rave about it for days. The topic I was actually given. In case anyone's curious, the impromptu speech topic I had to given in class was... Do you agree or disagree with the death penalty and why? If I could, I'd put this with the things I should never talk about, because apparently I have not formed a full opinion on this topic. I'm obviously blessed to have never had a serious reason to consider whether I'm for or against the death penalty. I tried to say that I didn't know enough about the topic to make a definitive statement on it, but that didn't fly. In the end, I ended up saying that I'm for it only in the case of the most heinous crimes with irrefutable 100% concrete scientific evidence. I talked about cases of people on death row who were found to be innocent and then I talked about some of the worst crimes in history that were clear cut cases. Luckily, that took up my 10 minutes.Note to self, I miss you terribly |
Artist: Microwave Song: But Not Often [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Describe a missed opportunity you encountered, and how things might have been different if you hadn't missed it.I've never had a huge opportunity that I've turned down. As in, I've never been accepted into a college and decided against going. I've never had a great career opportunity and turned it down. If an opportunity presents itself, I'm usually happy to jump on it and I have the freedom to do that. I don't have any kids or anything else to really tether me down. Kira doesn't have a career, so whatever I need to do in life, I can pretty much do without argument. I didn't always accept potential opportunities though. For a long time, I didn't see any value in myself or any future for myself so I was quick to turn down anything that could potentially change my life for the better. I was in such a negative mental space in terms of who I was supposed to be or what my outcome was supposed to look like. On the day-to-day, I was happy during those times because I had no real responsibilities or things to worry about. It was definitely much easier to just get messed up all the time and barely work enough to cover my bills. I feel a lot more daily stress and tension now. But in terms of missing opportunities, I'm sure I missed some along the way. For example, after I dropped out of high school, I ended up getting my GED. Soon after that, I got a phone call from a recruiter at Rutger's University. I was not having any of it. I remember the day very well because I was withdrawing from something and had been vomiting all morning. I was at the grocery store self-checkout with Kira and I kept leaning on the bagging area and it would scream at us, "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!" Anyway, he was trying to talk to me and I was trying to not talk to him. He said that he was from Rutger's and wanted to talk to me about something, was now a good time? I told him I don't want to talk to him. He seemed very confused and repeated who he was and where he was calling from; he said he had something to talk to me about that I'd likely want to hear. I said I didn't want to hear it. He asked me something like, "You won't even listen to what I have to say?" And I was like, "Nah" and hung up. So, if we're talking about potential missed opportunities, I probably have a ton of them. I'm sure the call was nothing important, but can you imagine thinking so low of your future that you wouldn't even take 30 seconds at the age of 18 to listen to what someone from a reputable university has to pitch to you before hanging up? I didn't think about that call again until I actually started uni in my 20s. The call doesn't matter because, again, it was likely unimportant and I ended up at a better school in the long run anyway. It's just the fact that with zero prospects in life you would be so unwilling to listen to anything that could potentially change your future for the better. If we're talking about those potential "missed opportunities" I'm sure I have a boatload because I did that exact type of thing for years and years. I don't do that anymore though. If a company wants to talk to me about their open positions, I'll listen even though I have a job. If a school wants to talk to me about their master's degree programs, I'll listen even though I don't have plans to go back to school right now. You never know what you're going to miss out on life if you close yourself off to conversations that could potentially change the course of your life. I'm still far from perfect. I'll probably never get to the point where I'm in a "good" place consistently; but I never want to get to that point again where I won't even listen to a potential opportunity in life. We’re always getting fucked up, why Do you really need to know me? |
Artist: Say Anything Song: I Want to Know Your Plans [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: We all know the mood-ring fad of the 70’s only predicted body temperature and not necessarily mood, but what if people could actually see your emotions, like an aura of color surrounding you. Would you try to mask it, display it proudly, or something in between?All of us checking today's prompt after yesterday's: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Ah, okay, this one is pretty chill by comparison. I don't really need a mood ring or an aura to tell people how I'm feeling because I have this stupid face that gives away all my emotions. Even strangers can tell my mood based on my face. I'll be talking to someone I barely know and they're like, "Why are you getting agitated?" And I'm like, holy shit, this person is a mind reader. Nope, just my face doing its jaw clenching, furrowed brow, agitated thing. I wish I had a good poker face. There are times when you don't need someone to know that you're getting upset. For example, in a performance review, not great if someone is constructively criticizing you and your face is silently saying, "Yo, fuck this dude! I work really hard here, asshole." Then there are all of the bad body language habits that I've developed over the years. Most of them are nervous tics (bouncing my knees when I'm sitting down, fucking around with my hands, touching my hair, etc.), but some of them are just bad habits I've carried into adulthood somehow. The biggest one is rolling my eyes. You'd think that someone would know when they're rolling their eyes, but I don't. This was a point of contention between my dad and I when I was a kid because he'd say something to me and I'd be like, " " and he'd be all, "Did you just roll your eyes at me!?" and I'd be like, "No, Dad, I didn't roll my eyes at you. " Now this has gotten me in trouble in my twenties too, especially when sitting at the dinner table with my Trump-loving in-laws. They were having a conversation years ago about how abortion should be illegal and I just did this massive give-me-a-fucking-break eye roll that everyone saw immediately and then I got lectured about it.But I have tons of other bad body language habits, like looking around the room when someone is talking to me instead of making eye contact. Eye contact is difficult and uncomfortable for me, so I'll either look around the room or fix my eyes on something away from the person I'm talking to. Comes off as rude and inattentive, I'm sure. I also have bad language habits (um... like... err...). My point here is that if you wear your emotions on your face and you have a lot of body language habits, no one really needs a mood ring or an aura to see what's going on with you. The good part about being someone who wears their emotions on their face and has a lot of body language habits though is that I'm really good at reading other people. I won't go as far as to say that I'm an empath, but I can absolutely pick up on people's energy and their mood before I even approach them for the day. You can just tell in the way someone is standing, drinking their coffee. Their hand placement, the way their eyes move, their posture, their feet placement, the way they're holding their body weight, the subtle movements of the muscles in their face... Even if they've got the best poker face, their body language will give everything away. The first week of my post-grad job, I needed to go talk to one of my coworkers about something. I found him standing at the printer with his back to me and I went up and said, "Hey, man, what's up? Rough morning?" He said in a fairly bright, chipper tone, "Hey, what's up! Nah, I'm all good." Then later in the afternoon we were working together on something and he was like, "Hey, just out of curiosity, how did you know I was having a bad morning?" It turns out he had a nail in his tire and was going to have to take it in to get patched up so he wasn't in the best mood that morning. Nothing tragic or anything, but just not great energy. I told him it was honestly everything about the way he was standing. Holding tension in his shoulders, left foot out but right foot center of gravity so it's holding all the weight, one hand on his hip, looking down as his stuff printed instead of looking around the office (i.e. 'don't talk to me' body language). You give away so much without even intending to. So, while some people like me give away everything with a quick glance because we have trouble hiding emotion, people who have a good poker face also give everything away. You just have to know what to look for because it's a lot more subtle than someone whose face is like: (ಠ_ಠ) No aura or mood ring necessary. You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead Strength in my bones put the words in my head |
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack Song: The Future Freaks Me Out [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write a letter to your parents from before your birth. Give them advice about how to raise you and give them a heads up about anything they might struggle with when you come into their lives.Oh boy, we're gonna have a fun month. For those who haven't read my last entry "Invalid Entry" , I'm a bit unapologetically unhinged right and for the foreseeable future. So, that's the disclaimer for the month.This doesn't really mean anything except that if you're ever reading one of my entries this month and you're thinking, holy shit, this dude's lost it... yup! And look at us, we're comin' out of the gates hot with this prompt. Hey, SB Musing  , are you in this round? Like, fuck it, why not I guess. So, here's the thing. I have no idea how to be a parent. Let alone how to parent someone like me. That's why I don't have kids. Every time I think about having kids, I have two thoughts: 1) What if they're like me? 2) What if I'm like my dad? I think there was a time, long ago, when I thought I knew all this shit that my parents should've done differently. I honestly don't know if I still feel that way or not because I'm missing huge gaps of time in my memory at this point and I can't actually pick out specifics to be like, "Oh, hey, you should do that differently." But I have had some pregnancy scares (they're like jump scares, but slower), and I do have a general list of things I'd like to think I'd do as a parent whether I had a little demon spawn like myself or a different kid entirely. I mean, I can remove myself from the equation entirely and it'll be easier to think about because if I'm not disconnected from reality, what's even happening? In general, I think parents should try to do the following things, (and any actual parents can feel free to come correct me because I have no idea what's going on right now anyway): On religion... I think parents should be careful about pushing religion onto their kids. It's fine to be religious, but you should allow kids the ability to explore their own beliefs instead of just saying, "You were born in this family, raised in this house, so you're Catholic now" or whatever. Let kids ask questions without getting pissed off that they're questioning your religion. Let them read other religious texts and learn about other religions. You know, basic shit that you should let someone with a functioning brain do. On emotions... You should let your kids express healthy emotions. I've seen so many grown men who are like, "I don't cry cuz crying is for girls." Oh wow, we're all quivering in the shadow of your manliness. Give me a fucking break. Then you find out that their dad beat the fuck out of them if they cried and it's like, ooooh, right. Toxic masculinity at its finest. Oh, and also, when you don't let kids express healthy emotions, they revert to expressing unhealthy ones. Anger is most common, I think.On discipline... If you're controlling your kids through fear, you're doing a bad job and you should feel bad. Leading through fear is something people do when they have no idea how to motivate. It's the equivalent of the tyrant boss who bullies their underlings knowing that they have no choice but to comply. Those are the 3 big hitters for me, I think. Obviously there are a lot more. Like, your kids are often a reflection of you so don't be a bigot or a douche bag and expect your kid to grow up stellar. Don't live vicariously through your kids. Don't set unachievable standards. Remember to praise them for their accomplishments. Don't compare them to your other kids. Don't be afraid to admit when you've made a mistake. Don't use guilt to manipulate your kids' emotions. Don't hold things over their head like you're doing them a favor by feeding them. Ya know, kind of common sense shit that the average 10 year old could probably come up with. Obviously you can do everything right and still have trouble raising kids. Most people probably have something they would have changed about their parents' parenting style. There are always going to be mental health issues and addictions or just falling in with a negative crowd. Doing the right thing when raising kids doesn't prevent any of that stuff, but it certainly helps a kid stay on track when they have a strong and reasonable support system. Oh, and the biggest thing I took out of parenting from my childhood: If you get angry when your child tells the truth, you're teaching them to lie. I definitely remember thinking so many times as a kid, Hey, so, that didn't go well. Make sure you lie next time. We fail to represent We fail to be content We fail at everything we ever even try to attempt |
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