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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| This morning my alarm sounded and the message was to call counsellors. Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Ummm, you actually answered my call?" 'What can we do for you?" "You have no idea." After a thirty-minute interview (right then and there and I felt in my bones these people were the ones) to ensure I met their criteria (and I did) I was accepted. Once a week they run a group session, which is a walk-in group session for one and a half hours...and once a week, one hour, TWO (never had two Counsellors with one client before and might be to do with their own understandable need for safety) on one individual sessions lasting for twelve weeks, which the intake officer (Victoria) told me they would call me back within the next two weeks to give me an appointment to begin. I believe there is a fine, but very important and discernable line between arrogance and self-confidence and for some perhaps, this line is hard to see at times, but for me personally, if it ever fades, I want someone I respect to give me a good hard kick up the ass to remind me I'm not all I think I am. I can be a little cocky at times (just ask anyone who knows me), but usually, it is in jest, or if I am doing well, and during my interview, I used every tool in my arsenal (every trick in the book) to get my bum through that door...after all, I was running out of options...charm, humour, emotion, truth, always truth...self-confidence and a little desperation...and, it must have made an impression because about half an hour after the interview ended, Victoria called back and asked if I would be available to attend my first individual session next Friday (seven days from then)...no prizes for guessing there was no hesitation...anything that might have been scheduled for that time was to be rescheduled...not because I feel like I am about to fall off the wagon, but because I am excited to begin this new phase of my life and I know just how important these sessions will become to my continued abstanance from meth in the coming weeks and months. I cannot do this alone...and the beautiful thing is, I don't have to. Today I will not use, and that is a feeling I simply cannot express in words. |
| Not many know that even though I consider myself a newbie, I was a member for a year three years ago...stayed for a year, left for a year and now back for almost one year. I had a bad experience with another member who,, when I confided in him about my addiction, and things became not so rosy between us, threatened to report my use to the Australian police. I panicked and immediately deleted my account. Now, I could blame him for causing me to leave, but that simply would not be true. Yes, he had an underlying mental health issue...as do I, but if I didn't use, I know things would have been different,, and blaming others for where we find ourselves, is in a lot of cases, an avoidance tactic. I loved it on WDC back then, as I do now. The only difference is that I now enjoy the freedom that comes from not hiding this addiction...to lie. I spent the year between writing in my bedroom because although there are other writing sites, the bad experience made me wary, and besides...writing could get in the way of my addiction, and we can't have that now can we? I am what's known as a high functioning addict. We are the addicts that make all the other addicts look good...hang on, that came out wrong...they are the addicts that make us look bad...Ummm, not sure if that reads well either...Ok, we all make each other look bad but in a good way. Nah, fuck it, let's call a spade a spade...we all stink, it's just the level of crap we bring to any relationship, friendship or situation that varies. An addict only has one real love in their life, and that is drugs...co-dependence is not love; it's a habit worse than the drugs. And although most addicts would dispute this, denial is an addict's best friend (besides of course, the drugs). I should know because I lied to myself for so long I actually believed the BS I was telling myself every day. Lies such as...without meth, I won't be as creative...yet, since I stopped using a very short time ago, my mind has become a creative volcano...now that could be a good thing, except ideas are pouring out at such a rate that it's almost impossible to catch any of it and put to good use. When I am riding my bicycle is when these ideas come, and for the last weeks, I have been trying to remember so much, that I am lucky if by the time I get home I can remember one thing. I want to capture these moments so now I use keywords to retain the ideas. I am entering a writing competition for the first time Distorted Minds...this has given me focus and something exciting to try...I never would have done this if I was still using so while I hope I put forth a great story, I want to have fun with the writing and will be happy just to get something worthwhile by the due date. This feeling I have right now is better than the drug ever was, or ever would be if I was stupid enough to return. I feel alive for the first time in a very long time and the truth is, if I could stop my mood and feelings at any point during this process, I would choose today. I know it won't last and as sad as this is, I know right now, this is not me. I am going to de-intensify...de-excite...maybe even depressed, and I must be prepared...accepting that normal life is not like it is in the weeks after discontinuing using a drug like meth. I wouldn't be surprised if this is my addiction preparing me for its onslaught...making me feel like, 'I have this'...' it's easy'...' I can always quit again' next time I make my way back to her. The war between my sub and conscious mind will wage for as long as breath enters my body...triggers will come and I will need to delay...I know this, but knowledge is of no use if I cannot resist when my chips are down and I REALLY feel like getting high. As yet, not one pang of need...not a craving or temptation are warning signs that she is up to something...that she has other plans for me. Well, I have plans of my own. I want to see more of the world. I want to visit other cultures and learn how people live outside my bubble. If I let my guard down at the wrong moment, none of this will happen because I will be too dependent to leave my dealers clutches, or I will be dead. The choice seems obvious to someone who is looking on from the outside, but I understand...this thing that lurks inside my soul is far from done with me, but I will show her who runs this life from now on. |
| Don't you hate it when you write something, get distracted by whatever, don't press save/edit and when you come back shift to another area and then realise all you wrote is gone forever? I should know by now to always copy, just in case, but mistakes happen, and it is only words. We can always write more words...but never those exact words. I put all of me into everything I write and even though the words and ideas are still there, the arrangement...the feeling...the flow, can never be repeated, and this is what happened on my blog tonight. It may only be a few words, but sometimes, it's a lot more, and at the time, can feel as if it is irreplaceable, but we move on...what else can we do. There will always be more words about other things, but in those first few moments of realisation, it hurts like a MF. I wanted this, my first blog, to be something I will look back on and be proud of, but perhaps I am missing the point by thinking it is about the standard of mechanics or the words I write, and more to do with the standard of the man who writes these words. I am taking control of my life, which is all that matters when it comes down to it. Thank you to all of you who support me...who send me words of encouragement and dare I say, love...which gives me strength, but also a deep appreciation of the responsibility I have to follow through...to not just repay that faith by remaining clean, but by paying it forward, and maybe one day, supporting someone who is not a stereotype, but another human being in need of a helping hand. Today, I did not use. One day at a time...one foot in front of the other. |
| Each and every day we learn, and today was a learning day for me. I learned... I will feel on top of the world and as low as can be all in the space of a few hours....and that's Ok. I cannot use blame or my past as an excuse to use drugs. What a profound effect I have on people, and just how powerful that is. That when opportunities come, I must be present enough to take advantage, wise enough to recognise, and humble enough to accept a helping hand when it is offered. Although I want so much to find happiness and success...disappointment cannot be an excuse to return to my addiction. It is my responsibility to be proactive and search out avenues of support...to keep knocking on doors until someone opens and sees how committed I am to living life without drugs. I am worthy of recovery. If I work for what I want, I will appreciate it so much more when it comes. I have so much more to learn. |
| https://photos.app.goo.gl/g9yxje7B7X16swrt7 https://photos.app.goo.gl/AXv1MVuswNs1PFHw8 I was on my ride today when it suddenly occurred to me that today was the day I would smash my pipes (which means drugs are not the priority they were just a short time ago) and you would have to picture it in your minds. Well, I decided that was not good enough for me...you are just as much a part of this journey as I am and so, not being a technical genius, I filmed the event, trying to remain as close to the script as possible...you can hear my voice as I question my own sanity, but in the end, I achieved my goal. Today, I did not use. Today...I achieved a milestone faster than I thought possible and it is very much to do with your support that I have gotten this far. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. So, without further ado...enjoy the show. |
| My Plan... Stop using Seek professional help Swallow my pride Lean on those who are kind enough to be there for me in moments of weakness Avoid or boycott people who use Delay when the urge to use comes (five minutes can mean all the difference) Exercise every day (rain, hail or shine) Stop substituting reasons for excuses Live one day at a time Eventually, start making longer-term plans Smile, laugh and appreciate Expand my horizons, learn new skills Every dollar I would have spent on meth, now goes into my 401 (superannuation) Once we have a new normal, travel and see more of the world Find people who care...and care about them Avoid people who only care about themselves, they are not worthy of my time Believe in me Make integrity my mantra Trust in those who trust me Never trust those who ask for trust (trust is a gift, not a request) Become who I always dreamed I could be Trust my instincts Love like I want to be loved Give...because giving is the greatest gift we can enjoy Never forget...it's not about where I have been, it's all about where I am going Love life again because I am worthy of being happy Understand that the only path to happiness is through truth Be humble and say thank you often Fear nothing but letting myself down Get my children back in my life |
| There is 'a thing' that I find very hard to do when I am trying to stop...get rid of pipes, scales, and paraphernalia because they are worth money. My drug-addicted brain trying to convince me that, "Hey, don't throw those away, what about when you come back? Then you have to go out and buy all this shit again." So then a compromise comes...don't throw it away, sell it to some 'friend' who still uses for a few dollars...trouble with this take is, I don't want anything to do with anyone who still uses because they are my Kryptonite and really, with friends like these, who needs enemies and so today, I came up with a plan. It's going to hurt like a MF...it might even keep me awake at night thinking..."Should I? Shouldn't I? But, I should neither should nor should not...I NEED THIS. I wish I could post video so we could make this a community event...The Sacrificial Breaking of my Stuff. I guess you will have to use the pictures I draw in your minds instead...First, imagine me with a stupid big grin on my face as I look into the camera, introduce my former self, the addict I was...let's call him Needy Neil. Cue music...some sad Neil Young song...let's do...Hey Hey...My My...The camera sees what I see as I open the second from the top drawer where I keep my shorts and drug utensils. I have a plastic bag (one that breaks down quickly so as no turtles are killed because of my want to live ( that's not a joke either) and watch (and listen) as I sigh heavily while placing the said paraphernalia into said environmentally friendly bag...two brand new and one slightly used (now that is a joke) Sweet Puff Holland Glass pipes (valued at around twenty years off my life expectancy), a set of digital scales (valued at around a 100K if counting the amount of money I have paid for the drugs it's weighed) some clip lock baggies worth nothing but misery but still cannot be disposed of with the glass which must go into the recycle bin. There must be smashing for dramatics...so into the good plastic bag will go the three pipes, introduce a claw hammer and hear my life being extended as the hammers blows reign down...come with me as I walk out to the trash bins...say Hi to my mom on the way..".Hi mom...I'm on a mission to save a life...can't talk right now." Then, as the broken pieces of my former life are placed into their appropriate bins...cue 'Taps' as we say goodbye to Needy Neil...followed by DeLight's 'Groove is in the Heart' to celebrate Non-narcotic Neil. I joke now, but tomorrow when I do it, it won't be so funny. |
| Today I did my second workout...and there were some marked differences from the first. Not just the gains, but in my first session, I noticed my eyes were always looking down onto the floor because this is where my dealer and I would meet to do the weigh and exchange...and I was looking for shards he may have dropped by chance. I was going through a million thoughts...what if I do find some? What will I do then? It will be such a tiny amount it wouldn't be worth my while trying to use...but still, for the entire session, my eyes were looking down. Today, I went into my gym, set up and put on Paul Oakenfold's Bunkka...and between sets, I danced for joy...it didn't even occur to me until later that I had not looked down once to see if there was any drug...now, that's real progress. I am still very emotional...very vulnerable and very weak...but, I am stronger than I was yesterday, and in more ways, than I can ever imagine. Today, I did not use...tomorrow, I will do my best to not use. And each day I don't, is a day closer to freedom. Thanks again for all your support and best wishes, they are words that will never be underestimated or underappreciated. |
| Time is what everyone would like to have more of, and I imagine the contrast between a person on WDC who wishes they could enter that competition, write that next chapter of the novel that's been in the works for umpteen years, reply to the emails, feed the family, work, sit in traffic or sleep. It's very easy to get caught up in the day to day drudgery of life...to even get a little tired of it all, and possibly even begin to feel a bit sorry for ourselves in moments of frustration when a well planned day goes to hell. Perspectives have a way of bringing us back down to a place where we can see things much more clearly...when we are caught up in the moments that fill the days, weeks, months and years. Going from one catastrophe to another, with the belief that without us, the wheels will fall off and no one would get by unless we sacrificed our time...our lives, for those who rely on our undertaking. But life doesn't always go to plan, and these can be some of the greatest challenges if we get the call about some test results we thought were simply routine, or that siren in the distance is attending someone else's loved one, as had always been in the past . Priorities can change in an instant, yet few of us ever consider this as we busily go about our lives...far too busy to ever consider that one day, the world will have to get by without us...to contemplate the fact that it won't even skip a beat if circumstances stop us in our tracks, and life shows us whose priorities really count. Regrets will come too late for some, and in those moments of realization, if we are lucky, or unlucky enough, whichever the case may be, to look back and wish we had seen things more clearly...had done things in a different way. Don't be one of these people. You don't have to save the world because the world will get by with, or without you. I don't like people telling me how to live my life because I know what I'm doing...but, if that siren is coming for me, will I think the same way then? And if those test results change everything...all my plans and everyone who relies on me, will I then still know what I am doing? Life can be rich and rewarding, there is so much out there waiting to be discovered, but life can also be a bitch, and deal you cards you never never thought you would have to play. It's not too late for some, to prioritize and to see what's important...that life is not about saving everyone else, it's about living to your full potential, and understanding that one day soon, one way or another, the world will have to get by without you. |
| My mom was taken to the hospital two days ago...a failing heart is what they suspect...low iron, 86 and smoked most of her life, it is what it is. She still has a few more rounds left in her and even though she can't see, there is still that glint in her eyes...especially when a nurse asks her to do something she simply doesn't want to do. Because of her fluid tablets, she wet the bed yesterday, and the indignity for her was worse than what will happen if she refuses the medication, but a few quiet words from her most trusted son, and she saw that a bed can be remade, but a heart cannot, and when I left her, she had a better understanding of what's at stake...as do I. Today, despite the not such great news from her Cardiologist, I feel really good...this feeling beats the high of meth hands down...it feels like life, which for someone who hasn't lived for a long time, feels like a cool breeze on a hot summer's day...a gift that came totally unexpected from a group of people who I don't even know. A gift that I will not discard as just another material thing that will lose its lustre and gather dust in some forgotten corner of my life. The greatest gift one human being can give to another, and I appreciate every last one of you who are in there fighting right alongside me. This is my first blog...someone took me under their wing and showed me that I don't have to do this alone...that there are people who genuinely want to see me succeed, which gives me enough strength not to use today, and I WILL NOT use today, of that, I am certain. Thank you to everyone who has left their best wishes...I never knew ...but now I do. |
| Today I rode my bike...it's a time where I think...many of my creative works were born while I pedal along the road...it is a time of reflection and also helps me raise my level of dopamine, which has been depleted from so many years of abuse. A few days ago, I did my first workout in around a year...it hurt...physically and mentally...to realise just how much this drug has weakened my body and mind is frustrating but also gives me strength. I don't want to be weak, I want to be strong, active and non-dependant on a drug that is destroying my life. The soreness from the excursion is almost gone, but my resolution is still strong, and I am well aware, the biggest hurdles are yet to come. I am in what's known as 'The Honeymoon Phase' but instead of dreading what I know is coming, I am going to relax and enjoy this time...before the real work begins. |
| Just over a week ago I finished weaning myself off this insidious drug. Knowing and fearing what cold turkey was like from previous attempts to stop using, I made my last half gram last me for three weeks...where in the midst of my addiction, half a gram would be one hour of use...but still, the psychological side still has to be taken seriously...and I am taking this attempt very seriously as it may very well be my last. People talk about the possibility of dying from their drug use, and to those addicted to opioids, this is always a risk each and every time they use. But, to a meth user, this is not generally the case, and it can take years of abusing to get to the point where their lives are at serious risk of ending...and, unfortunately, this is the reality that I face. I have always loved the TV show 'Deadliest Catch', and Nick McGlashan was one of my favourite characters because of his well-publisised drugs use...he was a hero to me and the fact that the reason he is no longer with us is due to his choice to use drugs, was a real wake-up call for me...he was stronger than most men, he had a heart of gold...he was loved by all who knew him and if not for his addiction, would still be deck boss on Summer Bay. The fact that he was my hero because of his drug use, and now he is gone because of it makes me realise just how foolish we all are who think drug use is cool or fun because it is neither of these things...it is dangerous, and gives little in return for the sacrifice we must make to maintain our habit. Nick was my hero, but now, I want to be my own hero, to beat this addiction that Nick couldn't, would to me be a testament...in honour of him and for his families loss, I wanna live...not for Nick per se, but for myself...but in honour of Nick McGlashan...one of the best damn fishermen on the Bering Sea. I have been addicted to methamphetamines for around thirty to forty years...addiction is something that is not set in concrete and cannot really be measured in years... it's fluid. Over the timeline of my use, and during these years, there have been times where I may have gone for one or even two years without touching meth...yet, thinking back, there was always something which I used to replace the meth with...pot was my staple drug growing up, and it was only once I was given the opportunity to treat my Hep C, that I took this drug addiction business seriously and decided that Marijuana was something that might interfere with the treatment, and so, around 2016, I quit using pot. A great achievement considering I had smoked it since I was twelve years old, but this was also when my meth use spiralled out of control...and part of the reason was that the Hepatitis was cured, and with no liver damage (as miraculous as that is, considering I contracted the virus as a fourteen-year-old) in my mind, it gave me free rein to abuse myself with, what became my poison of choice, methamphetamine. I know what I must do...lose any pride I may have left after hitting rock bottom...lean on whoever is available and kind enough to show some faith in me that this time, I mean business...to seek professional counselling and know that on my own, I am destined to fail...exercise is my key to getting where I want to be...I have let myself down, I have let my family down, my kids, who I haven't seen in four years, I feel the most guilt over and that guilt, while being my shame, can also be my strength...knowing that eventually, if I can be successful and rid myself of this drug, will bring them back to me...that is my hope and my dream...and lastly, to find love again...I am worthy of being loved, and I have so much love to give after being isolated by my addiction for so long. Many steps, but only one at a time...today, I will not use, tomorrow, I live in hope, and that's all I can do to bring me all that I want from a future I never thought I had. |
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