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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| My Internet is down due to storms, and as much as it is annoying, nowadays, I am looking at things from a better place. I'm not high anymore, and so, I am seeing things in a different light. I now realise how lucky I am just to have access to the net...to clean water and to free councelling services. Yes...we have lockdowns here in Australia (boohoo), but that's for the greater good of the community (and it works, regardless of how the small, but noisy minority feels about that). We can't travel overseas yet, but once we, the silent majority who are willing to do what's necessary for us to gain the upper hand on this pandemic, have rolled up our sleeves, then that is only months away (or within the year, depending on the attitude and uptake of each individual country). The light is no longer at the end of the tunnel...it's right there, and I can't wait to see how we, the people of this world, come through this most difficult of times. I hope there will be celebrations...and a new awareness of what's important and what isn't. And how we can do things differently, which will help prevent future pandemics from occurring. Perhaps this could be looked at as something akin to nearly losing your life, and that feeling afterwards of appreciation for the world as a whole...we can never go back to normal...but a new normal? Yes. Since the dawn of time, there have been changes...everything changes, and that's just the way it is. Another day without meth...another day closer to my goals...another day to celebrate life. You don't have to be a recovering addict to do that, you just have to understand and appreciate that each and every day you are alive is worthy of celebration. |
| Wow...what a day. I won't go into detail and bore you, but I'm pretty beat. Last night's meet was once again interesting. Vicki was not in...sick. The receptionist was going to can the meeting altogether, but I let her know I wasn't very happy about that, and so, she got a lady called Ruth to take the group...group being three people...again...me being the only common denominator. There was a woman around my age...meth and still using and an Irishman called John who was drunk and insisted he had to be there on a court order. The girl was court-ordered to and well, it feels a little disappointing when you realise you're the only one there who isn't high or drunk and actually wants to stop. Being high at a meeting kinda defeats the purpose I think, and I doubt Vicki would have allowed John to stay...I know I definitely wouldn't have. He was boisterous and talking a lot of shit and a couple of times I thought about telling him something about himself...especially when he said, "Druggies." I pipped up with, "You do know alcohol is a drug, don't you?" He then mentioned his bad temper. I didn't mention my 11 years of Muay Thai training because I was saving that as a surprise for him in case his temper got the better of him...but, ironically enough at the end (finished half an hour early) he asked me which way I was headed, and I dropped him off at his building...which was on my way anyway. He even asked me if I wanted to go drinking with him the next day, but I politely declined...he wasn't a bad bloke, just not sober. I'm going to call the counsellors tomorrow (just too busy to do it today) and ask if this is how it's always going to be. I want to surround myself with people who have hit rock bottom and know which way is up. Still riding my bike most days...eating better too. I don't know how this happens, but somehow, all my pants are getting bigger. Today, I didn't use...and for that, I am so grateful. |
| I have a confession to make. Today, I saw my neighbour who suffered burns out in in his garden, and since it's bin night (we have to place our trash out on the street for collection every Tuesday) I popped over to take his bin out as I was doing my own then anyway. He has improved a lot and I must admit that I was curious as to if he had actually noticed that his lawn had been mowed. He didn't say anything as we spoke about his recovery, so I left it at that and went to get ready to go to my meeting. As I was leaving, I saw him reversing out his driveway, waved and...POOF...there appeared a saint on one shoulder, and the devil on the other...and in a 'who should I listen to' moment...I must confess that the devil won...and I am so glad he did. Here's exactly how it went down...I waved, he waved back and once the devil made me do it, I walked over and tapped on his window as he waited for traffic to pass...he rolled down his window and I said...and I quote, "Geez mate, your lawn sure is looking good." The next few seconds were the funniest few moments I have had in a long time...facial expressions tell a lot, and his went from a really proud smile, then in an instant went to bewilderment as the realisation that it DID look good...then the Ummmmm moment of confusion...to...WTF are you doing over here paying me compliments on my lawn...all in a matter of two seconds. I walked away with the biggest smile on my face because I seriously don't think he knows (and so anonymous reigns). Now, I know anonymous is a great thing, but, my payoff for mowing his lawn and those few seconds made it so worth the effort...and for once, the devil did a good thing. |
| Meth is becoming 'less' in my life. Once upon a time, I would wake up and think about meth. Go to lunch thinking about meth...while I was thinking about meth, guess what I was thinking about? In the last however many weeks (some people count the days weeks and months, but for some reason, I don't) I haven't used, these thoughts about meth have almost disappeared. Progress? Danger? Overconfidence or a drug just waiting for me to fall? Whatever...my mind is now contemplating other issues, which keeps it busy and that has to be a good thing, right? I don't know the answers to all the questions...one day at a time eventually becomes a week or a month...I mean at some stage I have to believe...truly believe that I will never use again? I can say the words, but I am no fool and realise they are just words if not backed up by real and absolute determination and commitment. FEAR...I used to fear running out of meth, now I fear running into it again and not being strong enough to resist. Is this a healthy fear to have? Fear has become a four-letter word, but without fear, can there still be respect? Like we are supposed to fear a parent (wait until your father gets home was once upon a time a real thing)...or the fear of God. Without consequence, we lose fear, and without fear...there can be no respect. Look at what is happening in the world...this is not just my problem. Drugs are not the problem, I am the problem. WHY I use drugs is the real issue I need to tackle now. Why is there so much civil disobedience now? Riots, mass shootings, terrorism and war? Why is it that we put our own interests above the interests of our own children and grandchildren? Why can't we see what is happening and stop...at the most basic and fundamental level and stop polluting the very water we rely on for life? Have we become so ineffectual and apathetic that we have given up? What use is a job if we don't have a planet that is able to sustain us? In Australia, there is a saying...more of an attitude really..."She'll be right mate." And when the person who coined that phrase...who had that attitude first said it, she was alright. But now, she is not alright, nothing is alright and like it or not, Coronavirus is the direct result of our inability to see what we are doing as a species to this planet. All the energy people put into resisting wearing masks, defending our rights and the rights of our children wouldn't be necessary if we just opened our eyes and could see. Since I stopped using meth, my eyes have opened and I can see where we are headed...can you? And more to the point, are we...you and I...willing to do anything about it except believe it is someone else's problem? Because after we are gone, it will be someone else's problem. Look at your children and grandchildren and realise that just because we won't be around to see the results of our failures, doesn't mean we won't be held accountable for them...only through their eyes will the consequences of today's actions be seen. |
| Man, I feel good today...if this is life, then count me in. Of course, I know there will be days...questions...doubts and difficulties. And you know what? I am ready to embrace all of it because a bad day without addiction, beats the hell out of any day living with it. The thing about meth is, it suppresses everything...time goes by so fast, and the people we love and care about leave just as quickly, which to a meth user, is not a bad thing at all because then we don't have to face the realities they bring. Meth is especially good at suppressing feelings...we simply don't care anymore...about our appearance, about our lives...about others...about anything except getting and using meth. But, just under the surface of this denial, is a meth user's worst enemy...yet, greatest ally...love. No matter how much meth we ingest, love can never be beaten into submission or killed off. All that happens is it waits for the right people to come along to show us that we are worthy...to show us care and respect, strength and dignity...the things we thought we were no longer capable of...the love we never thought we deserved. And then, when we reach out and discover that you ARE there...hands we couldn't see through the fog and calamity of life as an addict...well, for me it has been overwhelming at times. The most important values an addict should embrace when seeking recovery are belief in ourselves, and belief in those who are there for us. Understanding that remaining humble is the key that will open the door to freedom. |
| Today I mowed my lawn...the last time I did, I struggled to push my mower around our 1/8 acre block, and it took me days to recover because meth sucks all the energy and life from you, leaving behind only misery and despair. I was hoping my banged-up neighbour would be home and I could ask if he would mind if I did his lawn as well. I didn't think it would be a problem, but I didn't want to be overly presumptuous or make him feel as if he needed me to do that for him given his situation. I kept looking for signs of life, but all was quiet and I assumed they had gone out, and so, I made the call, opened his gates, went inside and mowed his lawn (only the front because he owns two Pitbulls who I wasn't prepared to take a chance with out back). The funny thing is, they arrived home later in the afternoon and as far as I can tell, haven't noticed their grass is shorter than it was when they left...LOL...and you know what, I won't be telling them a thing about it because the best way to pay it forward, is to do it without any expectation of recognition or reward. I know the universe will balance things out and it matters not whether they ever realise because doing something for someone in need is a good deed indeed. It made me feel good about the world around me, and that is more than enough reward. And tonight as I sit here, although absolutely knackered, is a better feeling than I ever got from taking meth...this IS my new life, and I'll be damned if I will give this back for some chemical high. |
| It's amazing how different things can appear once a good night's sleep and some perspective can be had...thank you for this opportunity to share my story of recovery. I know it won't change the world, that's not the point...more, to change myself, and if I can touch someone, even just one person on this journey I have undertaken, then that makes it worthwhile. Yesterday...and since I began riding my bike again, I have noticed a change in my neighbourhood. Covid 19 hasn't ravaged us here in Australia, at least, not like it has many other places, and as a community, we should be thankful for this. But, in my mind, I perceived that people would be angry, resentful or withdrawn because of the restrictions and lockdowns we have had month after month. But instead, a really nice thing has happened. While I am pedalling along and seeing people out walking, in their front yards and anywhere I am passing, they are smiling, waving and saying hello. I've lived here almost my entire life and it has never been like this before, and it has come as such a surprise. A community under siege, united, and instead of what I thought, the opposite. Now, when I get on my bike, I am smiling and saying gidday to people who don't expect that. I've come to realise that just a nod of the head can make such a difference to someone's life because that is what other's have given me over the last month or two. We can all make a difference, and to me, this is a very real and positive thing that has come from such a terrible epidemic. I'm a pretty withdrawn person when I am using. I don't smile at my neighbours and I am, by and large, an introvert. I can be selfish and at times, couldn't care less about anyone but my mom and me. Yet, now I have taken meth out of the equation, it's like I have become sociable again. We have a young couple with a baby living next door. Because of my shame and the effects meth has on me I haven't spoken to them for a long time. Just over a week ago, the fellow was out in his front yard as I was preparing to go for my ride. Our eyes met and there was a slightly uncomfortable nod of our heads and a mumbled hello. Yesterday, when I arrived back from my bike ride, he was in his front yard with their baby. He was covered in bandages. Both his hands and up both arms, shoulders and both his lower legs. I saw him and asked what had happened. He told me he was at a party, everyone had been drinking and someone thought it would be fun to throw a can of deodorant into the open pit of the fire he was sitting beside. He didn't notice this, and when it exploded he received first and second-degree burns. My lawn needs to be mowed, and so does his, paying it forward becomes a reality today...and who knows where that may end up. Today, I'm too busy to use, and even if I wasn't, I have no want or need for it. |
| I'm watching 'Alone, Grizzly Mountain' at the moment...I love seeing human nature and how we are without all the clutter and activity...the devices, technologies and comforts all taken away. That's how we lived not that long ago...exposed to the elements and dangers...the only difference is on the TV show, there's no tribe...and isolation is what causes the most tap outs. When I began my drug use, it was speed that was available. It made me confident, happy, sociable...I had energy to burn and would dance the nights away or talk endlessly to others at parties or bars...it was fun back then. Amphetamines are amphetamines right? Well, I'm here to tell you that's wrong. When I was young, we smoked pot grown in the bush from strains that had medium levels of THC that we thought was the best. If I were to go back and give my friends the hybrids that are grown now, we would all be greening out (vomiting from overdoing it). Methamphetamine, or crystal meth, is not the same drug only stronger than the speed we took back then, or at least, the effects are very different. Meth doesn't make the user want to go out and talk, dance and sing, it isolates the user. We become paranoid, it causes OCD like symptoms, it dries the body internally...sucking all the water out of the organs and peeing it out because of its diuretic effects. We become so manic when high, that we literally forget to drink water in order to replace all that is lost over the days and nights we are likely to remain high (I wouldn't sleep for up to three and four nights and hardly drink any water during this time) and of course, this can have major short and long term effects from constant dehydration. The colon is the most water hungry organ in the human body, and so, constipation is inevitable for anyone addicted to meth...kidney stones are also likely as well as thickening of our blood raising the possibility of heart attack and stroke. Brain damage is a forgone conclusion. A scan of my brain to see what I have done in my thirty years (or it could be forty or twenty five...it's hard to count exact days when there are breaks in between...not counting all the other meth-like drugs I took during this time) of abusing this drug would be a very scary proposition for me to undertake, knowing there is no way to repair the damage done. All I can thank for my being able to write as I do? My guess is brain plasticity...I am quite literally a walking, talking miracle and how I am not dead or completely unable to function I cannot fathom. There is no doubt I have sustained damage that will reduce my life expectancy, and going by the stats, I should already be dead...yet, here I am, still typing away and producing worthwhile pieces of writing that may just be a part of why I can still function as I do. In any case, I will accept my fate, as we all must...and you never know, stats don't identify 100% of cases and I've been lucky so far. Maybe I have a purpose, or maybe I will be diagnosed next week. I just hope I don't turn around one day and regret all of this life I have lived...but that's an easy thing to say now. |
| Firstly I want to thank ... Lilli, Mia in motion, Schnujo, Redtorwrite, Hummingbird, Just LeJenD', warpedsanity Lightsong, Dog, Addison, Soxweaver for at least attempting to find the clue, Sinbad...just for being you, The Story Master and Mistress...without you, there wouldn't be this community, to all those who come and read about my journey and to those I should have mentioned but didn't...and a very special thanks goes to WakeUp And Live, you are awesomeness personified. Today I had my first one on one session (two on one, but I will explain) and it didn't go the way I expected it to go. I thought two on one might be because you can't trust a meth addict because of our fearsome reputation...but I was wrong (kind of getting used to this, and is a good thing). I met two trainee Counsellors today...one was fresh out of uni (I think I might have been her first, and I hope she remembers me) and so quietly spoken and nervous, I had to keep asking what she had said, the other, probably one year out of uni...but both very much newbies. After a minute or two of allowing them to guide the session, I decided to take the reigns...I mean, someone had to. So, I spoke, and they nodded with the same, "Hmmmm." at the appropriate moments. They hung in there and deserved my respect just for trying and I in turn appreciate their want to help others. Taking something away from this session was easy...I have been to more drug counselling sessions than either of these lovely young girls has had hot dinners (not something I say with pride or literally, but still, you get my point) but they are now better counsellors and will improve with each session they do. I took it easy on them, where once upon a time I may not have been as patient or kind, but, I was arrogant back then and these days, I try to refrain from being such a fool. Today did nothing to damage my resolve, in fact, it helped me a lot to know that by gently guiding the session to the one hour mark without anyone becoming frustrated or embarrassed, I did something good. You all did something good for me yesterday by supporting me, even if all you did was read my words and gain some small insight into your own life. The best therapy for me is paying it forward...good begets good...be kind and kindness will be you...think of others, but don't give so much of yourself there is nothing left over for you either...balance is the key to all possibilities and I feel as centred right now as I have in my whole life. I don't often quote others, much to my own detriment at times, but today as I told my mom of today's experience, she began to recite a poem I have never heard, but am now glad I have. Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever; Do noble things, not dream them, all day long: And so make life, death and that vast for-ever One grand, sweet song. Charles Kingsley |
| Doubts, there are aplenty, but the strange thing is...I'm having none. This honeymoon period I thought was 'over baby' was just one day where something happened that brought me down, and can happen to any one of us, on any given day. So, now, I am faced with the dilemma of...when will this honeymoon really end? In the past, I have never allowed myself to believe, "I got this." Because as soon as I do, I will fail. That creates a false sense of security...over-confidence. But now, I'm not so sure. Verbalising is a powerful thing...saying something like the little red engine did... "I think I can...I know I can!" Which got him up and over that hill shows determination rather than arrogance...confidence without spiel. Nothing I have tried in the past has worked and so, perhaps it is time for a change in tactic...instead of under-confidence...HOPING I will stop using, it might be time to believe I can do this, after all, the very definition of madness is repeating the same process and expecting a different result. I'm sure that everyone wants me to succeed...I want me to succeed, but the truth is, I have used meth for so long, have failed on so many occasions that I couldn't hold it against anyone who had their doubts I can do this...and in the past, it was I who doubted me the most. I never really wanted to give her up, she has been with me for so long and was at times the closest thing I had to a friend...but friendships sour...relationships change and what can one day be one thing, can quickly change into something else altogether. Meth and I are co-dependent...were co-dependent...and like someone who finally decided they have had enough of abusive relationships, although far from cured, at that moment, a switch clicks, and they know they will never settle for anything less than respect, love and truth again. The difference is that an abuse victim can find a new partner who will treat them with the respect they always wanted...meth will never do this for me. When someone leaves an abusive relationship, friends and relatives all hope they won't return to that, or another abusive relationship, but I believe that once the switch is flicked, you cease being a victim, and begin the journey of becoming a survivor. My switch has clicked, and I can say right now, without one single doubt in my mind, I will never go back to that, or any other drug, ever again. Today I have not used, nor will I use...tomorrow, or the next day or for the rest of my life. I know...I am not out of the woods yet, my head is not up in the clouds and there is a lot of work to be done, but I will do the work, I will find my way out of the darkness and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face again...of this, I have absolutely no doubt. |
| Last night, I attended my first group session. The facilitator, Vicki, is a qualified Psychoanalyst, but wasn't there on official business and only wanted to talk to the group and ask questions...hang on...now that's a good shrink...not only did she begin to find out what makes us tick without us even knowing about it, but she waved the $200 per hour fee normal shrinks charge (normal, I will discuss with her next week). Now, back to the serious business of quitting drugs. I arrived early and thought I would edit some old writing on my phone, logged into WDC then halfway through the edit, Vicki arrived and called me and the other victim...I mean client, Alec, into the conference room. The room could have fit twenty or more people around the large oblong table, so the three of us settled in at one end and did the niceties. As I was the newbie and Alec had been before, Vicki went straight for my jugular...which given the short timeframe we have available, I appreciated very much. Vicki then moved onto Alec and then back to me...we had a good rapport, and all felt comfortable when the door opened forty-five minutes into the one and a half-hour session and in walked a fellow who looked like he had had a hard life...skinny with a severely pockmarked face, old clothes with holes and to me, appeared high. His name is Tracy or Tracey...not sure about the spelling because I haven't met a male Tracey before. It was obvious Vicki knew him, ignoring him for the next five minutes and in my mind, this guy didn't belong to 'our' little group. Eventually, she included the intruder and when he began to speak..to tell the group about his week...I felt shame for prejudging him as some old wino junkie who had no right to be there with us. Tracey has been clean for 63 days...he drinks some alcohol but he wasn't drunk and I saw no signs he had any in his system. He told us of the people at the pub who know he is trying to clean himself up asking him to go outside for a pipe to get him back on the meth...he used to go with them because it made him feel included...like they were friends, but in time, he realised they just wanted to sell him drugs and that they were just dropkicks (Australian for users and idiots). He was proud of himself for resisting and so were we...then, the three of us and Vicki got to work in the final few minutes making our plans and declaring our goals for the following week. I said goodbye and on the way out, I saw Tracey and he waved and asked if I would be coming back next week...I waved back and said that I would definitely see him then. Learning, always learning...appearances don't mean shit...it's attitudes and a desire for a better life that counts in this battle I wage, along with people of all walks of life...we all deserve a chance and I think that was the most important thing I took away from my first session. |
| I remember when my brother, who is an alcoholic, stopped drinking fourteen years ago. No one was more relieved than I was because he wasn't a nice drunk, and growing up was a nightmare if/when he was under the influence. He counted days, weeks and years...he still counts the days since his last drink, and I'm wondering if this helps, or if it is just a badge of honour. AA has their twelve steps and this may have something to do with it. He doesn't drink anymore, but he still smokes cigarettes, and one day, I asked him about sobriety. I am proud of him because quitting alcohol is not easy, but he tells people he is clean and sober, and my question was, how can he say this when in fact, he is an addict? Well...he has rarely spoken to me since and his argument at the time was that alcohol changes behaviour, whereas he can have a ciggie and be perfectly normal. Unfortuneatly (or fortunately depending on which perspective you are seeing from), I'm not a moron, and said to him, "Ok, give me your pack and let's see if your behaviour changes in the coming hours and days." Of course, he didn't particape in my little experiment, but it begs the question...what exactly is sobriety? Many addicts will stop using one substance by replacing it with another. They quit drinking but smoke more pot or whatever the case might be, and while I am in no position to criticise anyone, for me personally, this kind of drug jumping is not something I want to do. Strangely enough, another reason (justification) my brother used to continue poisoning his body with the nine thousand or so chemicals contained in every cigarette, was because he had quit drinking, and smoking was his reward, and no one was going to take that away from him. Which is fair enough...we all have our own outcomes, and if someone doesn't want to do something, they simply won't do it. Today, I thought about my own abuse of meth and as much as I thought it was a lame excuse for my brother to continue to smoke, it dawned on me that I have been doing the exact same thing for years. My excuse was...I don't drink alcohol, smoke pot, use pharmies, heroin, blah blah blah...so, that made it Ok for me to use meth...it was all I had left to get by on and I'll be damned if I was going to give up the one thing that brought a little joy, and a lot of comfort to my life...classic denial. It's hard to see things when they happen right under your own nose, yet we see other's problems because for one, it's easier to see them from a distance, and, it's much easier to point out someone else's faults and flaws, than it is to face up to our own. Political correctness will see the term 'sober' gone...replaced by some other acrynim...which I don't mind...I mean what is it anyway but a word? I choose not to use any chemical that causes dependence or changes me in a way that is not healthy or positive to my life. So today, on my 57th birthday...and about to leave for my first meeting to talk about the reasons I felt the need to dull myself down, I choose life. |
| I was thinking about a subject I feel very passionately about...truth. We all lie, have lied and will lie...and anyone who says this is not true is either a Saint or confirms this fact. Humans lie, I lie...and I am the first person to admit this. Being an addict, that fact comes with the territory. It doesn't mean we are bad people because we don't always tell the absolute truth. My mom is wise and someone I have not just a lot of love for, but a lot of respect as well. She still teaches me every single day, but she has a bad habit...she prevaricates (to speak or act in an evasive way), which I knew she did, having lived and cared for her for the last seven years, but didn't know the term for. She is the one who told me of the word, and since she did, I have noticed how often this tactic to avoid the truth is used. Truth? What is truth? Is it an absolute? An aspiration? An ideology? An impossibility? And what about honesty? And the difference between honesty and truth? Then, of course, the reasons...or excuses, and more importantly, to whom we are being dishonest. I am here on this blog, telling anyone who cares to listen of my own personal journey...but how can you, the reader, know if I am not high right now, and just telling you that my journey is going great and blah blah blah? I have no way to prove my truth here, and the point I am making is...it matters not if YOU believe what I am saying to my ultimate destination. To me, the very worst lie I will ever tell is the one I tell myself...and yet, ironically, this is the lie I am the most easily convinced of. I know I can lie and that you may never know. It's kind of like if someone on a diet tells the world they have goals, that they are doing exercise, want to lose weight and feel more healthy. Then, every morning after getting off the train on the way to work, calls into their favourite doughnut shop and eats one, or two...no one will ever know, so why not? Are there three types of lies...black, white and grey? Or is this a denial of the facts...it either is or is not a lie? Omission comes to mind..."You didn't ask me if I used drugs today." A great lie to hide the truth behind. So, in the end...the bottom line as I see it is simple...I know how much I want this journey to become my reality. I also know and acknowledge I will walk past that doughnut shop at some point...that is unavoidable. Will I go in and eat that sweet and beautiful treat...just this once and never again? This is the BIG question. I want to feel good...not just from the physical effects of not using meth, but for my own personal satisfaction of finally beating this addiction that has plagued me for so long? To have people who know me look at me and say, "Neil, you look really good." And mean it. And, more to the point, when I look myself in the mirror...what is it I want to see? Me, still hollow faced and gaunt from the continued abuse of my body and mind? Or, to look me in the eyes and feel pride, feel health...the self-satisfaction that will come when I keep on walking...knowing in my heart I can no longer have that kind of treat again? That there is so much better awaiting me if I can control these urges. To become the man I want to become...the man I know my kids will be proud of...that they might ask me to be the one who will walk them down the aisle if they choose to marry...and to live long enough to see that day. |
| Plans are merely a guide and should never be set in concrete. When the wind blows, a tree's strength is not in the concentricity, but the flexibility of its branches and trunk, and so, plans should allow for the unexpected or circumstances unforeseen. I have been driven since I stopped using meth...exercising every day except for one in the past few weeks. I have done this because I need to keep my mind off drugs, to regain the strength I have lost, and as part of my therapy...gaining back hormones depleted by my continued bombardment of the drug on the part of my brain which controls the release of Dopamine. When this happens over a long period, sudden withdrawal and continued abstinence can cause depression-like symptoms and are a big part of why so many users (up to an incredible 90% within the first 12 months) relapse. Today...the honeymoon ended for me, and I had my first taste of reality without meth to prop me up as a coping mechanism. I was down, and things began to get on top of me. I felt tired and flat and so, rather than use drugs or feel sorry for myself because 'I can't', I decided instead to be kind to myself. I should have done a workout today, but in the afternoon, I watched a little TV before I fell asleep for an hour or so. When I awoke, there was no guilt because I did not train, and relief that I didn't go back to my old ways and score to stop the feeling of darkness, which had by this time disappeared. I understand it will return, but also that over time will become less and less of a problem. The plan I had, called for all it did, but I make the decisions on a day to day basis, and today, I decided to give myself a break. Today, I did not use drugs...and nobody is happier than I am to say that. |
| I had a dream...I was with people who use and a dealer arrived. I went to give him my money and the bill stuck to my hand...he had to grab the money, and even though I was not holding it tightly, and was trying to shake it loose, it was like it was glued to my fingers. He ripped it from my hand and we waited for him as he weighed out the drugs, and suddenly it occurred to me that I don't use drugs anymore. I became anxious and told one of the people I was waiting with that I don't use drugs anymore. It was then that the feeling of panic subsided and I calmed down. I knew when they ran out, they would purchase the drugs from me and I felt better..but I also knew how stupid I had been and questioned myself why had I tried to buy the drugs in the first place. The feeling of panic at having to tell people on my blog that I had failed...all those who have supported me and want to see me do well all disappointed. But mostly, I felt disappointed in myself. When I awoke, I felt such relief that it had all been a dream, but I also could see the significance of the money sticking to my hand, and the fact that even in a dream, I knew that I could not break my commitment and let myself down. For me, this was a very proud moment. I know that if I can resist drugs in my dreams, I have a good chance of not using them while I am awake. Only three days to go until I attend my first group session. For me, this is where I will get the most benefit because there is something about discussing issues with people who understand what it is we are going through. There is a connection, and like here, the feeling that I don't just want this for myself, I want this for all of you. It doesn't matter whether you have never used a drug, have a loved one who is in the depths of addiction or are struggling yourself...it can be done if we want it badly enough. One of the most important keys to freedom is in the acknowledgment that you cannot do it on your own...that reaching out for help is not a weakness, but true strength...that failure doesn't mean the end because I have failed more times than I can even remember, and who knows, it might even again. But, no matter what, I will never stop trying to rid myself of meth. I want to feel life as it is meant to feel...not a slave to my addiction, but as a human being who wants to experience things that are far greater than any high drugs can give. Life IS the high...but we need to see this for ourselves before we can move on to the next phase...facing the reasons why we chose drugs in the first place. |
| This morning my alarm sounded and the message was to call counsellors. Knock Knock "Who's there?" "Ummm, you actually answered my call?" 'What can we do for you?" "You have no idea." After a thirty-minute interview (right then and there and I felt in my bones these people were the ones) to ensure I met their criteria (and I did) I was accepted. Once a week they run a group session, which is a walk-in group session for one and a half hours...and once a week, one hour, TWO (never had two Counsellors with one client before and might be to do with their own understandable need for safety) on one individual sessions lasting for twelve weeks, which the intake officer (Victoria) told me they would call me back within the next two weeks to give me an appointment to begin. I believe there is a fine, but very important and discernable line between arrogance and self-confidence and for some perhaps, this line is hard to see at times, but for me personally, if it ever fades, I want someone I respect to give me a good hard kick up the ass to remind me I'm not all I think I am. I can be a little cocky at times (just ask anyone who knows me), but usually, it is in jest, or if I am doing well, and during my interview, I used every tool in my arsenal (every trick in the book) to get my bum through that door...after all, I was running out of options...charm, humour, emotion, truth, always truth...self-confidence and a little desperation...and, it must have made an impression because about half an hour after the interview ended, Victoria called back and asked if I would be available to attend my first individual session next Friday (seven days from then)...no prizes for guessing there was no hesitation...anything that might have been scheduled for that time was to be rescheduled...not because I feel like I am about to fall off the wagon, but because I am excited to begin this new phase of my life and I know just how important these sessions will become to my continued abstanance from meth in the coming weeks and months. I cannot do this alone...and the beautiful thing is, I don't have to. Today I will not use, and that is a feeling I simply cannot express in words. |
| Not many know that even though I consider myself a newbie, I was a member for a year three years ago...stayed for a year, left for a year and now back for almost one year. I had a bad experience with another member who,, when I confided in him about my addiction, and things became not so rosy between us, threatened to report my use to the Australian police. I panicked and immediately deleted my account. Now, I could blame him for causing me to leave, but that simply would not be true. Yes, he had an underlying mental health issue...as do I, but if I didn't use, I know things would have been different,, and blaming others for where we find ourselves, is in a lot of cases, an avoidance tactic. I loved it on WDC back then, as I do now. The only difference is that I now enjoy the freedom that comes from not hiding this addiction...to lie. I spent the year between writing in my bedroom because although there are other writing sites, the bad experience made me wary, and besides...writing could get in the way of my addiction, and we can't have that now can we? I am what's known as a high functioning addict. We are the addicts that make all the other addicts look good...hang on, that came out wrong...they are the addicts that make us look bad...Ummm, not sure if that reads well either...Ok, we all make each other look bad but in a good way. Nah, fuck it, let's call a spade a spade...we all stink, it's just the level of crap we bring to any relationship, friendship or situation that varies. An addict only has one real love in their life, and that is drugs...co-dependence is not love; it's a habit worse than the drugs. And although most addicts would dispute this, denial is an addict's best friend (besides of course, the drugs). I should know because I lied to myself for so long I actually believed the BS I was telling myself every day. Lies such as...without meth, I won't be as creative...yet, since I stopped using a very short time ago, my mind has become a creative volcano...now that could be a good thing, except ideas are pouring out at such a rate that it's almost impossible to catch any of it and put to good use. When I am riding my bicycle is when these ideas come, and for the last weeks, I have been trying to remember so much, that I am lucky if by the time I get home I can remember one thing. I want to capture these moments so now I use keywords to retain the ideas. I am entering a writing competition for the first time Distorted Minds...this has given me focus and something exciting to try...I never would have done this if I was still using so while I hope I put forth a great story, I want to have fun with the writing and will be happy just to get something worthwhile by the due date. This feeling I have right now is better than the drug ever was, or ever would be if I was stupid enough to return. I feel alive for the first time in a very long time and the truth is, if I could stop my mood and feelings at any point during this process, I would choose today. I know it won't last and as sad as this is, I know right now, this is not me. I am going to de-intensify...de-excite...maybe even depressed, and I must be prepared...accepting that normal life is not like it is in the weeks after discontinuing using a drug like meth. I wouldn't be surprised if this is my addiction preparing me for its onslaught...making me feel like, 'I have this'...' it's easy'...' I can always quit again' next time I make my way back to her. The war between my sub and conscious mind will wage for as long as breath enters my body...triggers will come and I will need to delay...I know this, but knowledge is of no use if I cannot resist when my chips are down and I REALLY feel like getting high. As yet, not one pang of need...not a craving or temptation are warning signs that she is up to something...that she has other plans for me. Well, I have plans of my own. I want to see more of the world. I want to visit other cultures and learn how people live outside my bubble. If I let my guard down at the wrong moment, none of this will happen because I will be too dependent to leave my dealers clutches, or I will be dead. The choice seems obvious to someone who is looking on from the outside, but I understand...this thing that lurks inside my soul is far from done with me, but I will show her who runs this life from now on. |
| Don't you hate it when you write something, get distracted by whatever, don't press save/edit and when you come back shift to another area and then realise all you wrote is gone forever? I should know by now to always copy, just in case, but mistakes happen, and it is only words. We can always write more words...but never those exact words. I put all of me into everything I write and even though the words and ideas are still there, the arrangement...the feeling...the flow, can never be repeated, and this is what happened on my blog tonight. It may only be a few words, but sometimes, it's a lot more, and at the time, can feel as if it is irreplaceable, but we move on...what else can we do. There will always be more words about other things, but in those first few moments of realisation, it hurts like a MF. I wanted this, my first blog, to be something I will look back on and be proud of, but perhaps I am missing the point by thinking it is about the standard of mechanics or the words I write, and more to do with the standard of the man who writes these words. I am taking control of my life, which is all that matters when it comes down to it. Thank you to all of you who support me...who send me words of encouragement and dare I say, love...which gives me strength, but also a deep appreciation of the responsibility I have to follow through...to not just repay that faith by remaining clean, but by paying it forward, and maybe one day, supporting someone who is not a stereotype, but another human being in need of a helping hand. Today, I did not use. One day at a time...one foot in front of the other. |
| Each and every day we learn, and today was a learning day for me. I learned... I will feel on top of the world and as low as can be all in the space of a few hours....and that's Ok. I cannot use blame or my past as an excuse to use drugs. What a profound effect I have on people, and just how powerful that is. That when opportunities come, I must be present enough to take advantage, wise enough to recognise, and humble enough to accept a helping hand when it is offered. Although I want so much to find happiness and success...disappointment cannot be an excuse to return to my addiction. It is my responsibility to be proactive and search out avenues of support...to keep knocking on doors until someone opens and sees how committed I am to living life without drugs. I am worthy of recovery. If I work for what I want, I will appreciate it so much more when it comes. I have so much more to learn. |
| https://photos.app.goo.gl/g9yxje7B7X16swrt7 https://photos.app.goo.gl/AXv1MVuswNs1PFHw8 I was on my ride today when it suddenly occurred to me that today was the day I would smash my pipes (which means drugs are not the priority they were just a short time ago) and you would have to picture it in your minds. Well, I decided that was not good enough for me...you are just as much a part of this journey as I am and so, not being a technical genius, I filmed the event, trying to remain as close to the script as possible...you can hear my voice as I question my own sanity, but in the end, I achieved my goal. Today, I did not use. Today...I achieved a milestone faster than I thought possible and it is very much to do with your support that I have gotten this far. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. So, without further ado...enjoy the show. |
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