Money is never a measuring gauge for success. This idea runs very sharply through this poetry. Success is self defined not society defined.
Success is if we are able to better ourselves of yesterday.
Free verse is very nicely constructed on this idea.
Ethics are everything. Well put here !
Such a tasty love filled note to coke. Very nice and somewhat funny to read. In good sense.
I just have one edit.
Like the sun the warms my flesh,
Should be
Like the sun that warms my flesh
Very nice use of sensory description to show how a gulp of coke sip travels from its first meeting with taste buds, traversing through throat and tingling the food track and plopping with a bubbled splash in stomach.
Very nice read for this day.
Life's tutorials like engineering curriculum make me go back to my engineering college days. Everyday it gets more tensed with performance reviews, journals and assignments.
Similarly life takes us on a ride. Teaches us, bends us and in pressure we emerge out winners as diamonds.
Each step is a test and our tutor (experiences) expects best outputs from us. Some learnings are easy, some are learnt the hard way, longer time in duration but in the end we evolve victorious.
I loved the line
Be convincing just be you.
So natural.
Hahahaha I almost fell off my chair. It was such a tickled one. And what imagination! I am totally awestruck. Twist on the children song was the best muse to use.
Loved the funny side. Right from the beginning till the end I was caught into laughter. Not a ssingle word failed to turn my smiles into frown.
Loved it. I will sing this to my three year old daughter and I am sure she will love this version more than the one she has learnt at school.
Fantastic fulfilled read.
Rightly said. Every one is special. We must not mock those struggling souls, neither should we look down on them in humiliation. For they might have some magical powers which we could not even imagine in our lives.
God gives something wonderful when life takes away a little.
Emotional bonds never fail. When times are trying and the world seems like enemy, it's only the bonding blood that sticks with each other no matter what circumstances.
Very nicely shown here. I loved the line that the boys knew each other since they both shared space in their mummy's womb. Such a depth... It touched the strings of my heart.
Loved it completely.
Emerging technology has its effects. Very rightly put here. It is good that the world has come closer through social media. There are equal abuses of the availability of access to such applications. Humans have slowly cocooned themselves around the world wide Web. Small beauties of appreciating nature, acknowledging gestures from others are slowly fading.
Pros and cons are neatly described. Very well written.
Thanks for this very honest point of view.
Love is indeed the Sunlight in our life that conquers even the darkest moments and brightens the faith that re-establishes existence of pure feelings.
I loved the way Summer's Theme is used to show the effects of love that rules this universe around us.
Yes you are so true. Writers freshers or established ones- go through somewhat similar thoughts, feelings, imageries and words. World of writing is like a dream. Sometimes peaceful and pleasant, while sometime the dreams may turn into nightmares like WRITER'S BLOCK.
sometimes we may have enormous word flow dying to jump out of our fingers and spread out on the snow like blank fresh paper or screen. This said, there are days undoubtedly where we may stare at the blank page for hours. Words do not take a form and thats the worst battle we fight.
But at the end, it is such a satisfying feeling to see ourselves as writers, reviewers and someone who is associated with this art of loving ourselves through words.
This was a very informative newsletter. Thanks for exposing facts that I was unaware of.
I am thankful for now I know some hidden truths and unspoken words that have enlightened me to a world of fine poetry writing. Frankly speaking I also thought free verse is free. But now I know it has rules that are formed by the creator. And has to be consistent all through.
Wow is the first word that comes to my mind after reading this beautiful wintery experience. Every minute detail has been very candidly expressed. I could see shades of those roasted maple leaves sweeping through the streets with winds, frozen puddles and somewhat lazy rivers trying hard to break through its path. Awesomeness to its optimum.
I am very happy to read this over and over again.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful work.
Very heart touching creation.
Every sulking emotion was regularly backed up by positivity and that push to get up and get going.
I loved the line
You're extremely rich when you are living your dream.
It is indeed very apt and a message has rightly been conveyed that no worldly riches and material pleasures gives you the peace as the small little pleasures we find in our daily lives.
This was a very pleasant read. Innocence oozed out every bit. The thrill of running up and down the stairs, imaginations put to the optimum. Characters designed by the author were believable and I could picturize every minute detail. Very gripping and the work kept me on the edge biting my fingernails thinking what will be next.
Thanks for sharing and giving me an opportunity to read and rate.
Absolutely loved it.
Love is Like a Cany
on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
and as a part of Dynamic Review Class by New Horizon Academy.
Please note that the opinions belong to me only, as a reader and not as a critic. You have the right to disagree and discard.
Personal Impression:
Another good poetry from you jaya I must say. Here you surfaced the poem with the truest definition of how Love can bite you as a sweet disease Everyone needs love. If cherished, it is a treasure no money can buy. That said, you have also marked a point saying that too much love is also harmful. With too much love comes over possessiveness. You said ‘By overflowing love my heart hums’ but too much humming can wear out our hearts
Tone and Mood:
Throughout the poetry, the tone and mood are joyous and peppy. You have done a good job here because I feel the tone and mood are interwoven so beasutifully here that all I can feel is my emotions after reading this poetry.
I would like to also tell you that each stanza has its own tone and mood. The first stanza is playful and peppy. When you traverse to the second stanza, the reader feels greedy and lustful for the want of love. When I came to third and fourth stanza, I sensed a debate over how much love and candy one can have. Also, there was a tone of surrendering to the sovereignty of love for survival. You did a great job here in justifying each tone with its appropriate mood.
Rhyme, Form and Flow:
The whole poetry followed a very soft abab rhyme scheme accept in the first stanza where line 3 and line 4 did not rhyme at all. I had to stop reading and look again, because I thought that I might have read it wrong. I can’t comment on why this divergence from rhyming scheme for these two lines particularly, the reason is best known to you. But I would suggest if you can edit these lines and make them rhyme, it will be fantastic!! Abab rhyme is always good to read jaya and for the rest of the poem I think it relates to the tone and the mood of the poem.
I take the form as free form. I don’t see a problem with this form. It suits the poetry well.
The poetry, when read aloud, flows well and the thought transitions from one stanza to the other justifies the moods of each stanza. There was just one place in the poem I had to stop and think again. It was the last line ‘Can’t do that on candy by Jove’ I felt that rhyming ‘love’ with ‘jove’ kind of felt forced. If this is not the case, I would love to know why you used the word ‘Jove’.
Emotional Impact:
After reading your poetry, I agree with your point of view that Love is important aspect of our lives. Without love life does not seem real. This love is not only between lovers, but it is seen as an emotional bond between two human beings, whether blood relations or not. However, a lot of love is not good for our heart’s health.
I liked the way you have used simile in the opening line of poetry ‘Love is like candy’. This helped me to imagine and relate the emotion with the sweetness of candy. I could easily see a Pink Candy Sensory words like ‘ tingles my taste buds’ ‘candy is sweet’ ‘my heart hums’ did their magic All these interwoven together helped to clarify the content well. Well done.
In closing I would like to say that this poem did pep up my mood and spirits. I feel surrendered to love and I feel that it is the basic driving force behind my life
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece of work and I am glad it read it, reviewed it and learnt from it. All I can say is please Keep Writing!!!
on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" and as a part of Dynamic Reviewing Class Assignment by New Horizons Academy.
Please note that the opinions belong to me only, as a reader and not as a critic. You have the right to disagree and discard.
Personal Impression:
This poetry reflects the innermost thoughts and wishes of each and every human being. We all appreciate a freedom like existence and we strongly wish we can set free from the binding threads of Dos and Donts. With this thought you have also very nicely emoted that with Independence comes huge responsibility. The maturity to understand between the good and bad will take us all to Independence. It strikes to me with a spiritual point of view as well. Our spirits will feel “set freed” once they attain the knowledge of Self-Being by learning the good virtues and applying them to our daily life, which is so obviously surrounded by material world. With this poetry, you have nailed the very basic purpose of life. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Tone and Mood:
As I read the poetry, I sensed a hopeful and an optimistic tone. I could see from the author’s point of view and feel the desire to be Independent. At the same time, I also felt the urgency of being responsible in choosing the corrects and discarding the wrongs in the path of life. I am left with great optimism and I believe strongly that one day we all will be independent. I totally agree with you that “we are not islands”. We should not be living like one floating mass of land surrounded by nothing but vast sea. We need socialization.
Rhyme, Form and Flow:
I read the poetry loud. I read it twice. I can see that it is a free verse poem and it suited the context well. Although I have an affinity to rhyming ones, I liked this free rhyme. It did not hamper the read or make my reading flow stop.
The form, like the rhyme, is free form. I appreciate it. If such a beautiful content had to be prisoned under a form, it would feel forced. Hence, I don’t see a problem with this free form.
Emotional Impact:
The theme of this poetry left a great impact on my mind. The starting line of the poem ‘It is my endless dream to live a life of total independence’ said clearly what the author’s idea about Independence is. It awakened the sleeping feelings inside me. Somewhere even I want to live a life which is straightforward and clear. Not like the one that is governed by the society’s norms. I liked the way you have used a Figurative Metaphor in the beginning of the second stanza. ‘I know I am not an island.’ This imagery was very useful in providing an insight into your deep desires and thoughts. Well done.
In closing I can only say that I always love reading your poetries and gain a lot of boost from them. I thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of writing with us. Keep up the great work and yes, Keep Writing !!
Please note that the feedback given here belongs only to one person- me, and that you have every right to disagree. These suggestions and thoughts come from me as a reader and not as a critic.
The story began with a mystery sentence. It made me want to read more about Evan. The tone marked the entire story with ghostly and dark shades. All throughout the read I was not very scared but always wanted to know what will happen next. Evan was murdered on one Christmas Night and his spirit freed itself from the ethereal form on a Christmas Night. The end made the ghostly feeling vanish and a sense of attainment was felt.
The plot swayed from present to past and back to present. It somewhat confused me during the first read. This points out that there are areas where structural elements can help. Like say when Evan’s friends decide a night out near the once called asylum, a strange event happened. And then the next sentence says the Evan was dead. The flow of actions is so crisp and fast, that it is a little difficult for me to understand what lead to what. However, I know that the plot is there, but it needs a little concrete structure.
The story had Evan and Marty talking for a long time, but there were less dialogues shown to tag their conversations. It is only learnt later how Marty taught Evan to concentrate fully to let things happen. A spiritual side flashes in this thought. How about some dialogues to support the idea! Evan’s characterization is short. We know he had brown eyes and brown hair. He had a short stature. But what else? Who was he actually? Was he an adult? Was he a teenager? Was he an old man? What did he like? What did he do for a living? I think I need these information because he is killed, he becomes a ghost and takes on a path of purpose to set his spirit free.
I could actually see off and on the scenes when Evan’s friends saw a car coming towards them and disappearing, and also when Evan rescues the bartender girl from the hands of a drunken man. The action verbs did do the job. These two events in the story held me at the edge of my chair, feeling the tension myself.
For the technical part of the writing, I found a couple of places that needs a little editing.
1) . There’s a special lens that words at night and his just randomly broke.
How about saying : The Nikon Camera had a special lens, designed to work even in the darkness. But, alas! His lens also became the victim of such a mysterious sight. The lens broke.
Also, I found tense change in this sentence which confused me a bit.
2) “You. When you kick it?” he asked Evan as he hovered inches about a breather’s gin.
The dialogue tag can be switched to give a crisp action. How about like this :
“You!” hovering inches above Evan he asked. “When you kick it?”
You can have a look over the dialogue parts and punctuate them accordingly.
Overall I am happy to say that you have the potential to write good stories. Just that, keep an eye on the tenses, dialogue punctuations and add a little more color to your writing with absorbing imagery descriptions.
The story is there, it needs a little re-work.
I am happy you shared your work with WDC and I wish that you always Keep Writing!
I am Payal~is~Happiness and I would like to offer you a review on your writing
childhood experience (E) this happened long long ago when I was in grade 4 . A happy day became a sad day #1874093 by rasadari
The suggestions and comments come from me as a reader and not as a critic. Please feel free to accept them if useful, or discard them if you wish to do so.
The story goes back in time when the author is a child and she remembers a picnic day from school. The innocence of a child is shown nicely. Every child wishes to do something special for her mother and this child does just that, only to experience a grief for losing money. The moment is heavy and I felt moved when I read that the coins fell apart.
Suggestions :
Dialogues and Imagery create a masterpiece. You can think of using all sensory words for touch, feel, see, taste and smell to make the reader all the more engaging. For e.g. when you talked about the vade, you can explain " There I saw a shack where a fat bellied person was making vade ( a food made up from dhal and fried in oil ) They were as yellow as gold and smelled spicy.Many people, including our teachers wanted to indulge in the spicy treat. I thought I must buy some for the family. It was a great idea to carry some vade back home for a treat. So finally I decided to undo the knot in my handkerchief. I came back to the bus . I was very happy holding a brown paper bag nicely folded at the top. The vade made it hot and the fried fragrance lingered around me for quite some time.
Sun is not out yet. Morning cool breeze felt good.
Here there is a transition from one tense to the other from one sentence to the other. I found many places in this story where the tense shuttled between present tense and past tense. This creates confusion and it took me off. Unless required, tense change is not appreciated. Kindly edit the story. I suggest you to keep one tense, that is PAST TENSE, since this is something that has happened in the past when the author is in grade 4.
It is a good story from a child's point of view. It needs a little editing.
I would love to know what the girl child is wearing, a little characterisation will help to picturise.
. The thoughts and suggestions come from me as a reader and not as a critic, and they belong to only one person. To accept these or to discard, lies solely upto you. Please feel free about it.
Love is a feeling, not only an emotional one but also a feeling that unites many thoughts, actions and mindset. You have described your opinion on what Love acutally is. One cannot describe it in words, but the only way to describe it is through self-introspection. This is my belief.
I can see that you have many thoughts about explaining what is love and how to differentiate between crush and love. How about explaining infatuation as well !!!
I suggest certain places where editing is needed, like,
We all heard of love --> We have all heard of love
We'll all different --> We are all different
knowing i'm like this --> knowing I'm like this, (I found a couple of places more where i'm was typed instead of I'm)
Until, you truly found the one --> Until you truly find one
cuz love is waiting --> because love is waiting ( the trendy way of saying because makes the writing more casual. I suggest you edit this part).
I am not a scholar in grammar but these are just basic suggestions.
I encourage you to write more on this topic Just that before posting you can have a quick look for any editings.
Please accept this review from me as a reader and not as a critic. As the owner of your writing piece, you have the right to accept or discard the suggestions mentioned.
The plot developed well when there are two friends talking over an issue. There are two conflicts shown very well here, One - between Stewart and Cody and Other - James (Stewart) fighting some mental disorder. The climax is bursted well when the doctor is called. The dialogues are a bit confusing as to who are the actual characters. But they do send informations.
The plot develops well and the PLIT Personality, I feel, comes out nicely in the end.
The actions in the present tense adds to the thrill in reading.
I liked the way you have help up the climax and shown at the right time. This nailed the mood very effectively.
Please accept this review from me as a reader and not as a critic.
A mother's eternal and divine love engages the reader to read over and over. The moment of sublime love between an infact and a mother had a depth.
I liked the way you have shown how a mother is holding the baby. I liked the use of imagery words " Her Tiny form tucked 'neath my chin".. A picture comes flashing in front of a reader's eyes imagining the mother cradling herself on a rocking chair and the baby cuddled up in her arms.
The rhyme adds to the simplicity of the poem.
I would like to know what is the mother's point of view and what is she thinking in the last two lines of the third stanza. I feel she is imagining her baby to be with her? Or she is actually with the baby and the thoughts occur?
The Piece is an introduction from two characters. Their Point of View is sharp and crisp and explained well. The first person POV narration makes an impact on the reader.
The school age and the atmosphere is live.
I would like to know what this is leading into. Apart from introduction, the story needs a plot.
The characters are facing some dilemma and that needs some backing through actions and dialogues.
These are just my suggestions as a reader and not as a critic, It is upto the author to accept them or discard them.
Keep Writing Wishing you a pleasant stay here on WDC...
Please accept this review from me as a reader, not as a critic.
A wrestler wishes to go back to the cheers, shouts, fights, wounds, scars, yells.. and that too with such a prolonged feeling.
The narration is very effective right from the start of the poem with the words "roar of the crowd"..
The reader can easily feel as a part of the wrestling audience. The words SHOW the actions and emotions very well.
The meter, rhyme and rhythm are all justifying the intense moments inside the wrestling ring. The tempo and breaks in it add to the thrills.
After a life long slavery to accept things taught to us, things told to us, we become so much USED TO IT kind of species.
The poet shows very nicely through examples at each stage of life how acceptance moulds us right from birth till we lay in peace.
The mood is dark and the tone justifies it.
Even if we want to fight against accepting the unrealistic things, we succumb to despair.
This poem shows frankly that Life is nothing but a toy in the hands of others.
A realistic view point is enlightened here where a reader also ACCEPTS that we all lead a life like this...
Trust, love, hope, happiness and pride go hand in hand in this poem where the poet has depicted how strong a relationship will be even during the trying times.
I liked the thought of the poet when he/she says " time will be trying but it will not be a wild one"...
It is the most beautiful feeling one experiences when one finds out that moterhood is on threshold, and a woman is born. The thoughts and words in this poem shows how a mother is born from a lover. There is a sense of maturity and strength no one can match.
Just one humble suggestion : If you wish to make it rhyme perfect, it will be a greatest read.
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