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This is my blog. I just went through a divorce; it was the worst thing that has yet to happen to me. This is me dealing with it and life. It's my blog; I write about what I want. I hope you enjoy. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The above was me about three years ago. It is the most up to date digital photo I have.
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| Tomorrow, I will be posting my new short story. I will link it here. This is the story for class. It is a revision of a story already in my portfolio. I have been trying to revise it, but I am having a damn hard time. Any suggestions on how you revise in general? Nothing specific to the story, just yet. |
| Still writing. Still posting. Having fun trying not to melt down. I am revisiting my Boy's Night Out story, which can be found in my Portfolio. I am going back and editing. The plan is to get it up to 3,000 - 4,000 words, and then hack out 500 or so words in the fourth revision. Hope life is treating everyone well. Writing tips from a bestseller ----> http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/10/08/stephen-kings-top-7-tips-for-... <---- Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Just saying hi. Things are crazy busy, and I have a deadline to meet. :( I told Bugzy the other day that you have to sacrifice some things for your dreams, so I am sacrificing writing my blog to write my second story, oh and uh, not get fired from my job. My writing isn't good enough, yet, to support me. So, back to the Design Manuals. See ya, when I see ya! Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Missouri is getting colder everyday. I love the cold, which means that I have yet to turn the heat on. I sleep so great in the cold, and when I wake up, I have to cats cuddled up against me. That is great. However, the moment the covers come off, I turn blue. I run to the shower, and the tiled bathroom floor is freezing underneath my bare feet. As the shower warms up, I turn the bathroom faucet on so the cats can get a drink. It is a small little trickle for their tiny little mouths. Then, I run back and jump in the shower. Ahh, the soothing warmth! This morning it was so warm in the water and so cold out of it, that I fell asleep standing in the water. I used to do this a lot when I was in High School. My Dad would wake me up, and I would get in the shower. The next thing I know he's banging on the door yelling at me to save some hot water for the rest of the family. Anyway, I fell asleep in the shower this morning. It isn't the full completely out that I get laying down on a bed. It is like time travel really. I go in there, wash my hair and let the warm water run all over me. Then I get out and towel off; it feels like five or ten minutes has passed. But when I look at the clock, it is like twenty minutes or a half hour later. I go to sleep, but not the deep REM sleep of the night before. This only happens in the shower too. When I fall asleep at work, I imagine that I am waking hours later. Nope, it is only a few minutes later. It seems to work the exact opposite when I'm on the job. That's a shame, right? Just kidding, I don't fall asleep on the job. Caffiene and vitamins won't let me! Plus, if I am tired at work, I go for a walk or talk to someone. Gotta get that brain working! Well, enough rambling today. I hope you all slept well last night, and I hope you all have a great night tonight. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| My wife and I have been talking lately. We have been seeing each other more and more. She wants to be my friend, but I don't think that I can do this. I told her this, and she has fought to maintain a friendship with me. However, I am just not programmed that way. She knows this; we have talked about it. She is upset because we are best friends. For me to move on with my life, though, I have to get her out of my life. It is my failing, and not hers. However, she is stuck in my head. Because she is a good friend, and I like being friends with her. I just know that being friends with her will lead to emotions in me that she will not return. So, I said, no, no friendship. Eric has to take care of himself. I am over the loss of the marriage, and I am kind of sad that I am losing such a good friend, too. But I know myself, and I will screw it up by trying to win her back, or I will suffer when she goes on a date. I don't want that. Now, add this to my second story funk. I have started three stories for my class. I have to have a second story, but everything stinks. It sucks. They are all depressing downer stories that go nowhere. So, I am still trying to find my story for the second class. I tried writing about my mom's M.S. That ended up just being me writing down tearful moments, and the story is just too saccarin. I pulled all my emotional punches because I might not be ready to deal with what is happening. On top of ex-bullshit and second story funk, I have the worst thing for me. I am not interested in any book that I pick up. For me this is depressing. I always have a book in my hand, and I am usually reading two or three. But every now and again, I get to where the books that I am picking up just don't interest me. I am hoping this is because I am writing in my subconscious. It passes with time, but it is definitely a mood shift for this bibliophile. On a happy note, I finally caved in and bought the MP3 of "Hey There, Delilah" so that I can stop making up the words to the tune. My cats have started to roll their eyes when I start in on another round of "Hey There, Saleen" Also, I bought "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin. That band is amazing, and I love listening to their first CD. If I had any spare change, I might go out and pick up their second CD. However, my mad money will go towards renewing my upgraded membership, again. I mean, where would the world be without my blog? Just imagine, war in the Middle East, hype about an environmental threat that is being advocated by celebrities who three decades ago were worried about the exact opposite happening, Tom Cruise acting straight and Rosie O'Donnell thinking she is a political commentator. What type of world would that be? I shudder to think! Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Treehuggers unite! I have learned about a new threat to Mother Earth. I don't know how the Bush administration did it again, but they are killing our planet. Big business, Republicans and "science" are now killing this planet. Later today, I will sound the eco-alarm, which is two leaves rubbing together for you non-Eco-Protectors out there. This new threat is worse than disposable diapers. It is worse than greenhouse gases. It is entropy! (Gasp!) Apparently, entropy is a part of the law of Thermodynamics. It says that in any process a certain amount of energy will be lost and unrecoverable! Can you believe that? When I digest my food, some of that energy is lost as heat. We are heating, or warming, if you will, our planet through chemical and mechanical processes. Well, the good news is that this is America. We elect politicians to change laws. So, later today, I will be working on a petition to get Congress to repeal the laws of Thermodynamics. If the Tennessee legislature can attempt to mandate Pi as exactly 3.1514, then, by Gaea, the Federal Government, our new mother and father, can surely fix the laws of thermodynamics. This is a step that you can take in fighting global warming. Say it with me, now, "Down with Entropy." We want fully reversible chemical and mechanical processes to combat global warming, and as a Taxpayer, I expect my congressman to do whatever it takes to get rid of entropy. The Bush administration and corporate America have physicists in their pockets that claim this, so-called, Law is a universal truth. Well, I am an American; universal truths and moral principles have no effect on me. No one can tell an American that something can't be done. We have the almighty Democratic congress led by Senator Harry Reid and Representative Nancy Pelosi. This is an eco-friendly congress; they can change this law with enough prodding from the left wing eco-groups. If you love this planet, contact the Sierra Club to fight this evil known as entropy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entropy http://www.sierraclub.org/ Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Can't think of what to say today. So, I am going to say hi. I am having a great day. No particular reason why; I just feel wonderful. I hope everybody is having a great day. If you're not, let me know, I will see if I can send some positive attitude over e-mail. Writing goal for today: Start the story of my mom and her M.S. French saying of the week: J'adore danser avec belles femmes. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| So, yesterday, I met an alcoholic, who scared me. I saw a lot of similiarities betwen he and me. There were big differences, and apparently, it is in the differences that truly separate our roles in life. However, as has been said before, denial is a powerful thing. How powerful? Am I in denial to myself? Well, I started to think about this. How would I know? I would have to contact my friends and family. Well, I don't drink around my family. I don't have many long term friends who have seen me drink enough to say if it is worse or not. I only have my ex-wife to know if things have gotten worse or not. Honestly, I didn't want to bother her with this. She would have told me the truth, and it would have been a straight answer. However, she is preparing for surgery and the arrival of her sister's baby. I was shaken and scared. I was so scared about how easily that man yesterday said he slid into the life of an alcoholic. He put doubts about whether I was in denial or not. These were unshakable doubts that I had no idea how to answer. So, I went to a professional. I spoke with a substance abuse counselor today. It has to fit in with one of the best talks of my life. The amount of information that I learned today will benefit me the rest of my life. I told him about what happened. This guy was also a recovering alcoholic, and, again, I saw myself in him. However, it was the differences that made all the...well, difference. I was one hundred percent honest with him about me and my wife. I told him everything there is to say about my drinking. I related the times that I have drank alone, the times I have blacked out, and the problems that drinking has bought me. I told him about the work happy hours that I have been at, and I told him about my habits when drinking. He told me that it did not sound like I had a problem. He gave me warning factors to watch out for. Do I need a beer to fall asleep? No, I don't, but if I do, maybe there is a problem. Does the drink have control over me? For him, he would stop at a bar for a drink or two. That drink or two became a drink or twelve. He could not control himself to stop at one or two beers. Can I stop at one or two beers? I did Friday at my work happy hour. I do all the time at happy hours. He said that he did not think there was a problem, but I had to watch, pay attention and be honest. Is the drink controlling me, or am I controlling it? Right now, I am controlling it. This professional said that the talk with the guy yesterday could have been the wake up call that I needed. It could have scared me straight. Or it could have scared me unnecessarily; we have no way of knowing. However, it happened for a reason, and I don't know what that reason was. I just know that it had a lesson that I did not miss. The counselor thought it was a little overboard for me to seek him out. He didn't think that it was necessary for me to seek him out. However, I told him that I couldn't tell if I was in denial or not. Then, he asked if I was hiding alcohol and drinks from the people that I love. No, I am not. So, I freaked out, and maybe I caught a little case of hypochondria. I went a little too far by seeking out professional help. However, I think it is better to seek it out when not needed, than to need it and not seek it out. This weekend I grew up by leaps and bounds when it comes to addiction and alcohol. I do not suffer from a problem, and thanks to two strangers, I don't think that I ever will. I hope you all had a good weekend, too. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Today, I met an alcoholic. It was one of the scarier moments of my life. He was talking about his disease. He's been sober for 29 years, but to listen to him talk, I got a little worried. He described himself when he was drinking. He was a shy guy, who was fun and able to talk to anyone when he was drinking. He loved to party. He sounded a lot like me. I am shy, and I have trouble talking to people that I don't know. Alcohol makes it easier for me to talk to people. A few drinks make me fun. He also talked about blacking out. A black out is when you are functioning but can't remember anything that happens. In college, I blacked out a few times. Probably six in all. In the three and a half years I have been out of college. I have blacked out twice. The first time out of college that I blacked out was the first time my wife was a sober driver for me. I was always the sober driver during the marriage. The one night that she sober drove for me, she bought me drinks, way too many drinks. I can't remember her driving me home, but I remember climbing the stairs to bed. The second time was after she left. I drank myself stupid and can't remember about a half hour. The reason that black outs are important is because they indicate a problem with alcohol. This alcoholic told me that. As you can imagine, I am scared out of my mind. I have some of the symptoms that he has. Well, he goes on to explain that he cannot have one drink because he develops a craving for two, which turns into four. Thankfully, I do not have a craving. Then, he told me that on his really bad days, he will see someone at a restaurant walk away from a glass that still has a little alcohol in it. He gets pissed and wonders why didn't they finish their drink. I saw a lot of similiarities between him and me, but I saw a lot of differences, too. Primarily, I walk away from half full drinks all the time. He said that his brother in law would have a six pack in his fridge with one beer gone. The alcoholic couldn't understand how someone could only drink one beer. All I could think of was the six pack in my fridge with one beer gone. I bought it three weeks ago, and I have only had one of those beers since. It was amazing, though, how many qualities that he and I had in common. So, the question now becomes do I have a problem with alcohol? No, I don't think that I do. I will have a single beer maybe once a week. I will go partying with my friends once every two weeks or so. I will sober drive for my friends, and I can stop myself at two beers when at a bar. At yesterday's work happy hour, I had two beers in four hours. A family history of alcoholism is another bad sign. There are no alcoholics in my family. But there have been times that I have driven when I shouldn't have. Some of my problems have come when I have been drinking (and when I party with bachellorette's, but that ain't stopping). I have blacked out in the past. So, I have signs to watch for. But I am not worried. A friend at work and I have set up plans for one of us being sober on the night of the big halloween party. We are going to do rock-paper-scissors before we leave from his house for sober driver. Then we are staying at his house regardless of who is sober driver. He lives five minutes, a five minute drive that is, from the party. We thought about taking a cab, but we thought one of us should stay sober to keep the other out of trouble. I have done a little research, though. Honestly, talking with this guy was scary because it was amazing how easily he slipped into alcoholism. So, for those out there who like to drink. A healthy liver can process one drink per hour. This drink is one and one quarter ounces, or one shot, of alcohol, one 12 oz beer or 4 oz of wine. So, if you are like me, one beer per hour at the bar is your new mantra. I am a gin and tonic drinker, and my bartender friend told me that a regular gin and tonic has two shots in it. So, one mixed drink or glass of wine every two hours is another rule of thumb. Finally, the best rule of thumb is just call a cab or friend who is sober. Well, as our short conversation drew to a close, I told him that after this, I planned to give up drinking. He laughed at me. He said no one gives up drinking. He has been sober for 29 years, and he said he hasn't quit drinking. That alcoholic said, "I haven't quit; I'm just not drinking today." He said he'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. This left me speechless. I wish at the beginning of the divorce someone had told me that. Don't worry about tomorrow; deal with it when it gets here. I don't have a problem with alcohol, but becoming single again has been, alternately, scaring and depressing me for two months now. A lady at work wants to set me up on, at least, two dates. I told her that my morals and beliefs dictate that I have to wait until the papers are signed. It will feel like cheating to me if I date any sooner. Even though these will just be get to know ya over coffees, it will still feel like cheating. I just think it is best to wait till the papers are signed, even though I am truthful about my divorce. I am just wired that way. But I keep thinking and wondering. Will anyone like me? Will I be alone forever? Will I be happy? I don't know about tomorrow, but today, I'm happy. I'll deal with tomorrow, when it gets here. P.S. New change to the writing plan. A book suggested a weekly word quota instead of a time limit per day. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Last night, I didn't get any writing in. I also missed $10 off $50 worth of groceries at Shop N Save. I had an appointment that I couldn't miss. I had just paid when the cell phone rang. I pick up to hear my ex-wife's voice. I wondered what the hell I had done this time. Was my ass about to get flamed because she had to pay for her own trip to see her sister? She got in an accident, and I was supposed to drive her to the rental car place. Only problem was I could not reschedule the appointment, so she hung up on me. Did I mention that she just bought a brand new Nissan Rogue this past Saturday? That's right. Five days after she bought a new car, an out of control driver caused a three car pile up with her brand new vehicle getting a crushed rear end. The damage was bad enough that she could not drive away. The car that hit her was damaged from the collision that drove her into my wife's car. It was a two month old Dodge Durango, and the front and rear end of the car was crushed. This is a trend with her. She buys new cars, and within two months those new cars are involved in wrecks. Her first car when she was sixteen was brand new; she totalled the car within a month. She bought a Mustang in 2004, and within three weeks, a teenager crossed the center line to tear her rear end off. When she got it back from the body shop, she tried to turn left, and a car driven by a paraplegic tore her front end off. (The paraplegic was using a cane to accelerate and break. This guy steered with one hand, and he used his cane to push the foot accelerator and foot brake. His wife, not handicapped at all, sat in the passenger seat. No tickets were issued at all.) This was the day after she got it back from the body shop. Thankfully, she has never been injured in any of her accidents. Also, thankfully, she has never injured anyone else. She picked me up because she was depressed. Her best friend, who told her to leave me, couldn't give her a ride last night because she had a date. I took her to dinner because she had a rough day. We talked, and I had to ask a question. "What are you going to do when we are divorced, and I don't come running to save you anymore?" Dead silence. She just looked at me. She wants to be friends after the divorce. I don't want to be. She has said things about me that we both know aren't true. She said and did things that I can forgive. I just cannot forget them. The things she has done to get out of this divorce have ruined the respect I had for her. Between what she thinks of me and my lack of respect, I don't want to be her friend. I cannot be her knight in shining armor anymore. She chose to leave; she did not want me to take care of her anymore. Now, whenever she has a problem, she turns to me. She knows that she cannot turn to her friends. They always let her down; yet, she always chooses them over me. I never let her down. But I have told her that when the papers are signed, she is on her own. She chose to live a life without me; now, she has to accept the consequences of that choice. For my own sanity, I have to get away. Or I will be saving her every time something bad happens. It is time for her to grow up, and it is time for me to realize I can't take care of everyone. I am not responsible for her and her life. I feel selfish saying that. I don't feel like a nice guy by not helping her. But for my own sanity, for my own life, I have to walk away from her. I cannot clean up her messes for the rest of my life. She only chooses to share her life with me when something bad happens, and I am tired of that. I am tired of being responsible for her. This makes me feel like a bad person. Should I still be taking care of her? Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
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