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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I’m very sad tonight because Mark went home earlier after a long visit that combined both my birthday and Valentine’s Day. This was our longest visit yet and I think it’s going to take me some time to adjust to him not being here. My mum and sister went out this evening and for a while I enjoyed the solitude but now I feel lonely and down. I should not be left alone with just my thoughts for too long! I start to go a little crazy… Yesterday was one of the toughest/most frustrating days I’ve had in a while. My mental health support worker pretty much told me there isn’t anything she can do to help me or get help for me regarding my various issues. The treatment I was exploring to help me work through my trauma is no longer available on the NHS in my town and I’m not sure what else is available or if I’ll be able to access it. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that I need to learn to deal with this traumatic event or at least find a way to manage my reaction to it. My support worker also looked into treatment for OCD and was told by a psychologist that OCD treatment doesn’t really work. So that fills me with hope! As for treatment for depression, I already know that doesn’t work. I was told by the psychologist who carried out my autism assessment that many of the thought techniques used in CBT will not work for me because although I’ll be able to learn and understand them in the session, I will probably not be able to apply them in other situations. I think that sounds about right. I’ve tried CBT several times with no success. He said my treatment should be more “behaviour based” but didn’t really specify what would work. The behavioural aspects of CBT haven’t been much use to me either. Also, person-centred counselling doesn’t work for me because I am terrible at talking in those kinds of situations and am often not able to understand or describe what I’m feeling. I don’t know what else is available to me! I am actually thinking of finding a private therapist, maybe one who has experience of treating mental health problems in people with Asperger’s Syndrome. I am convinced that the Asperger’s Syndrome is the reason I do not respond well to therapy. It must be very frustrating for a counsellor to come across someone who is practically begging for help but can’t articulate exactly what they are feeling and what they need. But I’m really not sure if I can afford private counselling. Still, it’s worth exploring. In some ways, I think it would be easier to see someone I’m actually paying because I’ll feel more comfortable letting them know when I don’t think they are doing a good enough job! Plus, they probably won’t be as quick to kick me out for “not engaging”. I was also told by my support worker that the team she works for is changing, becoming more “time-limited” and “goal specific”. This is bad news for people like me who have multiple problems that need to be solved before long-term goals can be tackled. For instance, my only real long-term goal is to be able to work but before I can hold down a job I need to get my depression under control, at least “tone down” my OCD, reduce my anxiety, sort my sleep patterns out, sort my eating habits out, work through or learn to manage the effects of my traumatic experience, recover from my physical health problems, somehow get more energy and adapt to my Asperger’s diagnosis and cope with all the problems that come from having a social communication disability. This isn’t going to happen overnight! These things can’t be “time-limited”. The support I get at the moment may soon become unavailable to me because it might seem that I’m “muddling through”. Maybe I am muddling through, but barely, and only because of my support worker. She may not have the skills/knowledge to treat my complex mental health problems but she has been helping me with practical things, such as dealing with the job centre, and I really think I’d fall apart if that support was withdrawn. Honestly, this is a disaster waiting to happen. What do they think is going to happen if they discharge the people like me, who are not yet recovered/stable/managing? We are not just going to disappear! Maybe we can’t be cured but does that mean we don’t deserve help and support? Surely those of us who return to our GPs will just be referred back to the same services that keep kicking us out? I think a lot of people would commit suicide and I can understand why. It is a horrible feeling to realise you are beyond help and that everyone is giving up on you. I feel so panicked and I cannot see a future for myself at the moment. It doesn’t help that my support worker is going on holiday! I am so scared and feel so completely hopeless. This can't be happening. |
Yesterday marked 8 years since my brother's death. I can hardly believe it has been so long...  |
Thursday was intense. The autism assessment lasted over 2 hours -- longer than the psychologist was expecting but then I don’t think he’d realised just how terrible I am at communicating in these type of situations.  I really admire his patience! Seriously though, I wasn’t doing it on purpose and it was hard work. I felt like my brain was going to explode. He asked me loads of questions about my childhood, which I did my best to answer. I’d managed to surreptitiously get some important information from my mum beforehand. I’m actually glad I didn’t openly involve my mum in the end because when I was speaking to her about my childhood she couldn’t remember a whole lot and I ended up relying on the baby book my parents kept. Also, if she’d been present, I don’t think I would have felt able to answer some of the questions honestly, such as details of my eating habits etc.My support worker came with me and was mostly a big help but she managed to piss me off a bit too. At one point I felt she practically forced me to talk about what happened to me when I was fourteen. The psychologist seemed to find this information interesting though and said my interpretation of what happened told him a lot about how I see and interpret the world. That made me feel kind of crappy actually, like my reaction to what happened was abnormal or something, which I’ve always suspected anyway. But I’m glad my support worker came with me though! She said she found the process fascinating. I did too, in a way, despite finding the whole thing so incredibly difficult and uncomfortable. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome rather than “classic” autism because I didn’t have any noticeable developmental delays before the age of two but struggled socially as I got older, when social relationships become more important etc and any difficulties, which wouldn’t necessarily be noticed in a baby or toddler, became more apparent. One thing the psychologist pointed out to me, which I’d never really realised before, was that I tend not to use body language very much. He also said my social interactions are not always reciprocal, which I think is probably correct. He thinks I have particular problems with social imagination, which I think is accurate—I do sometimes have a hard time reading people and working out their intentions. He asked me if I thought I was socially naïve and I said yes and told him a very pathetic story of something that happened when I was at University. I described how I told this girl a lot of personal information about myself because I thought that would make us closer. However, a week or so later I overheard her telling someone else about what I’d said and laughing about it. This story makes me sad but now I can see that what I did wasn’t stupid, just misguided, because I didn’t understand that’s not how you make friends with someone! I still don’t know how to make friends with someone, but at least I’ve learned that’s one method you shouldn’t use! My feelings since Thursday have been mixed. I do have a sense of relief because I feel I now have a better understanding of myself and knowing I have Asperger’s Syndrome has helped me to see why some things in my past happened and why I have so many difficulties. I have hope that now I know what I’m dealing with, things will be a bit easier and I can stop beating myself up over things that I really can’t help. But I’m a bit depressed too because I know there are some things I am never going to be able to change and that scares me and there are some things that are always going to be tough for me. But I can’t deal with this right now, so maybe I’ll blog about it another time. I haven’t told any of my family and I'm not sure I ever will, but Mark knows and is doing a great job of supporting me. I have no problems with people at WDC knowing and I think I’m going to tell at least some of the people at my voluntary placement, so I can stop worrying about what they think of me! It will make me feel better if they know the reason for my weirdness! At the moment I’m just trying to adjust to the idea – I think it is going to take me a while to really accept it and stop staying “if” I have Asperger‘s Syndrome/autism. I don’t need the “if” anymore and I think that is going to feel weird for quite some time yet! |
| Yesterday was my birthday -- I am now 26! Today I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome -- I will write more about this once I have digested it. Still reeling at the moment... |
| I set my last two blog entries to private because the first one had too much stupidity in it and the second one had too much anger. Let’s hope I have more luck with this one! I found this on another website and thought it was an interesting activity: answer the question in 25 statements as quickly as you can, putting down whatever comes to mind in the order it comes. The question is: Who am I? (Ask yourself this! Meaning, answer about yourself, not me, lol!) It's harder than it appears! If you want to do it then please answer the question before reading my answers so you are not influenced by me in anyway. Feel free to answer in the comment section for this entry or in your own blog (but let me know so I can read it!) I would be really interested to know what other people put—I think “identity” is an incredibly fascinating subject. Anyway, here are my answers: I am... 1. Jessica, but disconnected 2. female 3. a biology graduate 4. a crazy person 5. unemployed 6. a vessel for tangled up thoughts 7. a maze of contradictions 8. unable to express myself how I want 9. trapped in my mind 10. an unsolved mystery 11. a headache 12. a butterfly trapped in a spider’s web 13. a poet 14. an atheist 15. an arctic wind 16. a broken heart 17. irritable and irritating 18. an animal-lover 19. a deep thinker 20. shy 21. lazy unless I care 22. alone 23. a ghost 24. unlikeable 25. cleverer than you (  )What do you think? The last one is a joke though my mind works so fast I often get frustrated when I "mentally" race ahead of other people and have to wait for them to catch up. Not sure I've described that too well. What I mean is, my mind seems to work quicker than a lot of people's, but not necessarily better. Edit: Grrr... I set this entry to private too but have now made it public again. I don't really know what is going on with me at the moment--I've suddenly become scared of being myself in my own blog and I have no idea why! Ridiculous! |
| I am tired, which isn’t surprising because it is almost 4am! My sleep pattern is so messed up… I’m putting off going to bed though. I don’t want tomorrow to come. Plus I’m trying to summon up the energy to brush my teeth and do my stupid OCD routine, which I will probably have to do a thousand times tonight because I’m so stressed. Never get OCD… it is a pain in the arse. Sometimes when I’m checking the door is locked for what feels like the millionth time I can’t help saying to myself: what the hell are you doing? You have a degree… why are you being so stupid? I feel sick with anxiety tonight for a variety of reasons. A lot of it has to do with my birthday being so close. I’m just panicking about another year having passed with so little to show, if that makes sense. I am in shock that this is my life. How can such a focused, hardworking, ambitious child have turned into such a failure as an adult?  |
I had a check-up appointment today for the surgery I had on my mouth two weeks ago. I travelled forty minutes in the snow for a five minute appointment, lol but it was worth it to be told everything is fine and healing nicely. I am so, so grateful to the surgeon. Apparently the procedure I had isn’t all that common and he seemed very satisfied with his work!  He has asked me to go back in six months time for “long-term interest”. I’m happy to do that, of course. I hope this is the end of all my gum problems now and that in six months time the surgeon will be even more satisfied with his work!I didn’t get much sleep last night, got up early today and haven’t been back to bed at all so I’m hoping these things combined will act as an insomnia cure. Wish me luck! Hopefully I won’t be back online tonight as I’ll be fast asleep.  |
Things have settled down a bit for me today. I’ve kept occupied by tidying/sorting my room. I bought a second bookcase the other day, assembled it last night (all by myself!  ) and put my previously homeless books on it today. I got a bit stressed trying to decide how to categorise my large and varied book collection and now also believe there should be a law that all books should be the same height so they look tidier on the shelf. But despite that, it looks pretty good. |
| Tonight I am in Flashback City, walking down Overly Obsessive Street… probably heading to Suicideville. I don’t need this crap! My flashbacks and obsessive behaviour have been as bad tonight as they were almost five years ago when my repressed memory was triggered for the first time. It’s not surprising considering the many, many triggers I have encountered recently. That doesn’t make me feel better though and I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve researched online how to deal with flashbacks but the grounding techniques don’t seem to work for me. Maybe I’m not doing them properly. Plus I have no idea how to stop my obsessive behaviour which is acting as a constant trigger at the moment. So yeah, life is shit tonight. |
| Where do I start? I’m sorry I have been neglecting my blog and I’m sorry I have been neglecting my activity on WDC, but most of all I’m sorry I have been neglecting my friends here. I have a really bad habit of pushing people away when I need them the most. I am amazingly good at going into self-destruct mode and purposefully avoiding all the things I know could help me. I don’t know why I do it! I’m sorry I’m not as good a member here as I used to be and I’m sorry I’m not as good a friend. My life has been crazy recently. I know I’ve been saying that a lot but now it has gotten really crazy. Capital letter-worthy CRAZY. I’ve had a ridiculous amount of health problems that are causing me a ridiculous amount of stress. I’ve had one particular medical problem that has caused intense flashbacks of what happened to me when I was fourteen and this nightmare is still ongoing and I’m finding it increasingly hard to cope with it. I had the surgery on my mouth at the beginning of the month and am recovering from that now. I was so scared beforehand but opted for a local anaesthetic anyway and I’m glad I did as the procedure wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. The first few days afterwards were hell though because as well as having to cope with stitches in my mouth and the pain I was in, I also got a cold and then my wisdom tooth got infected… so I was feeling pretty sorry for myself! But the surgery went well and seems to be healing nicely as far as I can tell. I have a follow-up appointment on the 18th and hopefully that will be the end of this particular problem. However, my mouth trauma will not be completely over as I have to have one of my lower wisdom teeth removed. I’ve never had a tooth removed and I’m very upset that it has to happen. This is due to take place in March so I have plenty of time to get even more upset about it! On Wednesday I went with my support worker to see a clinical psychologist who is an autism specialist and spoke to him for about an hour. He thinks it would be worth doing a formal assessment for an autism spectrum condition. The thing is, part of that would involve interviewing my mum. This is a HUGE deal as I hate for my mum to know anything like this about my life and really want to keep it secret from her. The assessment can still go ahead without her but if so, the psychologist may only be able to give a “clinical opinion” at the end of it, not a full diagnosis. I’ve been given time to think it over but I am TORN. I have no idea what to do. I’m going back on Thursday to do an IQ test and I’ve been given a questionnaire to fill in about my behaviour and abilities, such as self-care etc. There will also be an interview assessment, but I’m not sure when that will be yet and I don’t know exactly what it entails. The appointment was excruciating and exhausting. I felt like my head was going to explode! I felt so… scrutinised. It was very uncomfortable. I got overwhelmed and went into “I don’t know” mode. I can barely remember what we talked about! I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing… With everything that has been going on, I am seriously considering quitting my maths class. I was supposed to go on Thursday for the first lesson back after Christmas but I just couldn’t face it. I’m not getting what I need from the class and it’s causing me increasing amounts of anxiety, so I don’t think it would hurt to drop it. It’s not like I need to do it—I got a passing grade for my maths GCSE—I just wanted to refresh my skills. I pride myself on not being a quitter but when I think about it logically, the negatives of continuing with the class far outweigh the potential benefit. I don’t see the point of putting myself through the stress anymore when I have so many stressors that I can’t avoid. I need all my energy and courage to go back to my voluntary work on Tuesday and that is far more important than my maths course, so I’m going to concentrate on that. I think I have just convinced myself… So this is my life at the moment. I have too much stress and I’m not dealing with it very well. I miss WDC though and hope to be more active again in the near future. |
| Just no. I think this latest problem might actually be too much for me to cope with! |
| I haven’t blogged in a while—I’ve been crazy busy… and crazy stressed too! But before I moan about that I’ll blog about a couple of nice things. I ordered my copy of the WDC anthology earlier and am very excited about seeing my poems in print… and other people’s work too of course! Also, I received an anonymous gift earlier of a costumicon so thank you so, so much to the person who gave that to me. I love being able to have a ghostie next to my handle! I’m very restless tonight and I shouldn’t be on the computer because I banned myself from using it at bedtime to see if that helps me to get to sleep quicker. But I couldn’t stop myself from powering it up and coming online. I’m so weak! Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow night. I have to have an ultrasound scan tomorrow, which is why I’m restless tonight. I’m not nervous about the actual scan—this will be my fourth—but I’m pretty stressed about driving to the hospital in icy conditions and trying to find a parking space. I’m also worried about having to drink a litre of water an hour before the appointment and am seriously considering going to the hospital early and drinking it all there as I really, really don’t like the thought of driving with a ridiculously full bladder…   I must be tired as I just read over what I’ve written already and found about a million errors. My maths class was soooooo boring today. We just went over volume and conversions. Then we had about half an hour to use a website to practise multiplying and dividing by ten and hundred. It was so ridiculously easy and I solved about 70 problems in 5 minutes! I have been to my volunteer job four times now and am enjoying some aspects of it and finding others stressful. I love being around horses again. It is wonderful and therapeutic too, I think. I find interacting with the children difficult though. It’s weird because I really want to have children but am not natural with them at all. However, I actually think I’d be a good mum. I don’t like interacting with the adults much either and hate to think how I’m coming across to them. I have no common sense or ability to use my own initiative so probably seem a bit slow and stupid. I’m also finding it hard to learn how to do some things, which obviously makes me seem even more slow and stupid! But I don’t think the people will judge me too much seeing as they’re all lovely! And I doubt people working with disabled children are judgemental anyway… well, I hope not… I should probably stop rambling now and try to get some sleep. I really don’t want tomorrow to come though. |
| I have to have sulcoplasty.( A sulcoplasty? Not too sure which is grammatically correct). Anyway, this is basically a plastic surgery procedure and I’m having it done on my lower gum. Don’t read on if you’re squeamish! The operation involves taking skin from the lip and grafting it onto the gum. Apparently I’ll be left with a raw patch on my lip but have been told this heals up quite quickly with no scarring. Although I only have one problem area in my mouth, under one tooth, the surgeon is going to do most of my lower gum otherwise I’ll begin to get problems with the other teeth in the future. BUT… it can be done under local anaesthetic and takes about half an hour, so I’m guessing it isn’t going to be quite as horrific as it sounds. Still, words cannot describe how freaked out I am about the whole thing. The thought of it makes me feel sick. I’m a little anxious about the pain, understandably, but it’s more the thought of what it’s going to look like that’s worrying me a lot. I’ll have stitches in my mouth and that’s not going to be pretty! And I’m worried about stuff going wrong… but if I dwell on that too much I’ll probably have a panic attack. The one good thing is that I now know for sure I did not cause this problem by over-brushing my teeth, as my dentist implied. The doctor told me today I’m getting problems thanks to my anatomy. I’m a “thin, fragile thing”, as he put it, and so my gums are “thin and fragile” too, plus I have a small jaw and these things, combined with the position of my teeth, work against me. So great. But at least I’m not to blame! Urgh, I wish this wasn’t happening. Like I don’t have enough health stuff to deal with already with my mental health difficulties. Plus I have to get a blood test on Monday and I need another ultrasound scan too. My mind and body hate me. |
| *dust, dust, dust* I’ve been neglecting my blog again! That’s because Mark’s been visiting. I don’t have to moan in my blog when Mark’s here because I can just moan to him!!! Anyway, it was a good visit though I’ve been pretty down. Thanks, Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  , for putting up with me!!!Tomorrow I am trying out a new voluntary role. It’s as a riding assistant for a charity which gives horse riding lessons to disabled children. I am so, so nervous for various reasons. Firstly, it’s new! Secondly, I’ll be meeting new people and will have to try very hard not to be totally socially inept. Thirdly, I have very little experience with children and absolutely no experience with disabled children, so that’s going to be very daunting. And lastly, I haven’t been around horses in over ten years so that’s going to be a pretty big deal. I went with Mark on Friday to find the stables and the route is pretty straightforward thankfully so that’s one less thing to not be quite so worried about! Haha! I can’t wait until it’s over. I think I’ll be taking a sleeping tablet tonight otherwise I’ll just lie awake all night worrying about everything. I had to go to the job centre on Friday for a “work focused interview” which was pretty crap and stressful. I felt like every question they asked me was a trick to catch me out, which is stupid because I have nothing to be “caught out” of, if that makes sense. I’m not faking my illness and I’m not ready work. Anyway, the advisor was satisfied that I’m doing enough at the moment to try and get better and able to work, so she isn’t going to make me do anything extra, thankfully. That’s a relief! I really am doing everything I can manage at the moment. The screening test I had for an Autism Spectrum Disorder indicated that further assessment might be useful so my care coordinator has referred to me to the specialist assessment team. I’ve received a letter from them basically saying they’re incredibly busy at the moment but will offer me an appointment as soon as possible. I feel kind of frustrated as I just want to get it over and done with so I can deal with whatever the outcome is. I hate it when things get dragged out. My maths is going okay. I actually almost enjoyed my last lesson. Almost! I still find it quite stressful but I’m managing. I’m proud of myself for sticking at it. I hope I’ll be able to stick at my new volunteer work too! Fingers crossed! |
I’ve been a member of writing.com for 5 years! It doesn’t feel that long. I’ve had some great experiences on this site and have met some wonderful people so I am very thankful I stumbled across it all those years ago! I still consider WDC a safe haven in the middle of the turbulence of my life.  Thank you so much to everyone who has acknowledged my account birthday in some way. I really appreciate it.  |
| I just realised it's my 5-year account birthday tomorrow. I totally forgot until now! I'm so glad I didn't miss it! |
| Today has been... interesting. My maths class was both fun and stressful. We did a lot of stuff as a group, meaning people were required to contribute, which was so difficult for me. I’m quite angry with the teacher for picking me to answer something when he is aware I have anxiety issues and I’ve specifically told them I have trouble in group situations. Oh well... maybe he forgot... I enjoyed some parts of the lesson but I’m now having trouble switching off from the less fun parts. We’ve finished for half term now, so that’s good! I’m going to study so hard in the holiday though. I am absolutely determined to pass this course at level 2! I’ve applied to volunteer for a group which gives horse riding lessons to disabled children and I am going along on November 13th. I really, really hope this works out because it sounds amazing and I’ve already tried three other volunteer placements. I need one to work out now! I’m seeing my support worker tomorrow, though I’m not too sure what we’re going to be doing. I’m not looking forward to telling her I haven’t applied for the volunteer position she wanted me to go for. But I have to go with my instincts and I think the horse charity is much more me. Next week I am meeting with my support worker and care coordinator to have a short assessment which will indicate whether or not a further assessment for an autism spectrum disorder is needed. I am so, so nervous and am not entirely sure what I want the outcome to be. I suppose all I can do is see what happens and deal with it then... My sleep is soooooo bad at the moment! I’m taking a new medication which makes me feel really restless (it also makes me feel ridiculously sick and hungry, which isn’t fun). But I took a sleeping tablet last night and plan to take another one tonight as I have to get up early. I hate taking them but if I don’t, I don’t get enough sleep. And I only tend to take them once or twice a week, which I don’t think is too bad. It’s funny because people supposedly build up a tolerance to them, which means you need to take a higher dosage to achieve the same effect, but it seems to be having the opposite effect on me! I only take the lowest dose and the last two times it hasn’t worn off properly when I get up, even after nine hours! Weird! But that’s enough of that because all this talk of sleeping is making me sleepy!  |
| I blog about her so often I think it’s time my WDC friends met Jade. She’s my best friend and often my reason for living. Today is her 12th birthday and she has been a member of our family for all but five weeks of her life. I love her to bits! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is one of my favourite photos of her. She’s chewing up part of a bush that had just been pruned. I love how seriously she’s taking it and how much effort she’s putting into it! She’s way too cute! |
| I’ve had a crappy last few days so am feeling very sorry for myself. Right now I’m recovering from the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I couldn’t catch my breath, which was terrifying. I survived... obviously... but I don’t think that’s a good thing. I just feel so worn down by life. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it from my blog, but I am grateful for everything I have and I know I’m very lucky in many ways. The thing that sends me into a self-pity spiral is that I am trying so, so hard to get better and change my life and absolutely nothing I do works in the slightest. Not a damn thing. I feel so empty. I have nothing left. But if I keep dwelling on this I’m going to have another panic attack. So here’s something nice: today is my dog Jade’s 12th birthday. I gave her a squeaky toy doughnut, which she has already destroyed and my sister gave her a rope pull-toy, which she has semi-destroyed. My mum got her a more durable toy, which will hopefully last much longer! We sang happy birthday to her too, which she loved for some reason. My dog is too adorable! And I think that’s a nice note to end this entry on.  |
| ...And because every blog should have at least one of these silly questionnaire things... plus I’m bored! If you were an animal what would you be? Tough, tough. I think probably a bowerbird because they’re cool! Favourite smell? I love the smell of heated chocolate—it’s dreamy! Tea or coffee? Neither, I tend not to drink hot drinks. What are you afraid of? Everything! I have an anxious personality. Mostly though I’m afraid of the unknown, which I think is a pretty sensible thing to be most afraid of. What was the last thing you bought? A maths textbook on Amazon. It cost me £14!!!! I’m not impressed. Favourite sound? I absolutely adore the sweet little chirruping noise cats make as a greeting. If you’ve never heard it you are missing out! It’s the happiest noise ever! Siblings? I have an older brother and a younger sister. I had another older brother but he died in 2005. I hate getting asked this by people because it doesn't feel right to say two brothers and a sister when one brother is dead but I hate to leave him out. But then I don't like having to explain my brother died either because I think it makes people feel awkward. So, this question causes me a lot of angst and I still haven't figured out the best way to answer it, even after seven years. What do you wear in bed? Pyjamas. What’s your pet hate? People cycling on the road without a helmet. I don’t think anything winds me up more than that! Your worst trait? Possibly impatience? I get irritated and wound up so easily and I’m awful at hiding it too. Your best trait? Courage. I can’t even deny my courage when I’m at my worse and beating myself up and hating myself. I have faced up to so many terrifying things in my life and constantly push myself to confront my fears. This is easily my best trait and the thing I like most about myself. Any scars or tattoos? No tattoos and lots of scars. My biggest scar is the one on my abdomen from where I had my appendix taken out. My most distinctive is the1cm scar right in the middle of my forehead where I fell and cracked my head open when I was two. I have a lot of small ones because I had chicken pox really badly when I was a child and I also suffer from Dermatillomania. None of them bother me though. In fact, I quite like them. Where would you most like to be right now? Anywhere really, as long as I was with Mark. When did you last cry? Last night. I was having one of my “emotional-for-no-clear-reason” moments. I hate those! |
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