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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I’m extremely depressed and all my support is rapidly disappearing. Mark went home yesterday. The CBT is going horribly and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to stick at it or if they’re going to let me continue with it for much longer. My doctor has left the surgery and I don’t know or trust any of the other doctors who work there. My employment sessions have been cut down to fortnightly rather than weekly because I’m not making enough progress. Basically everything is falling apart. So I’m pretty tired of life. I’m also tired of people being rude to me, online and offline. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people think I don’t have feelings. In other, happier news, it is my dog’s birthday today. She’s 11! We totally spoiled her with presents and she’s had fun destroying her new toys this evening. There are bits of squeaky toy scattered all over the living room! Now she is totally worn out but I think she’s had a great birthday! |
| I am having the worst day and I've only been up for about 20 minutes! How is that fair?! |
Hmmmmmm... "Invalid Item" isn't doing as well as last year. Though to be honest I'm not plugging it anywhere near as much as I plugged it last time! I've increased the prizes again to tempt people (so go and check them out!!!) There's still 12 days to go so I'm hoping for some more entries! But if not, I think 30 is still a respectable number of entries... isn't it?  It doesn't sound as good as 100+ which is what I had last year... |
Yay!
I feel rather proud of this one--well, at least of the idea!  |
| Well, here I am, blogging at 6am again. My dog has started being really annoying at nights, but tonight has been the worst by far with her waking me up every couple of hours. I am shattered. I don’t know why she’s started being like this. For the past couple of years, since our other dog died, I’ve been letting Jade sleep in my room. I know I should never have started it, but I felt sorry for her! It’s hard to remember sometimes that dogs are not people and that we shouldn’t treat them like people. Anyway, at first I let her sleep on my bed, which is another thing I never should have done and something I really regret. But after what I refer to as “The Incident”, she has been banned from my bed. I bought her a big, comfortable basket to go in my room. It’s huge—way bigger than she needs—but she likes to spread out when she sleeps. It cost me about £25 and she hates it! She’s a spoilt, ungrateful brat! Recently she has started getting up on my bed again. I don’t always wake up when she does it so can’t get her down straight away (meaning she probably thinks she’s allowed up and gets very confused when I suddenly wake up, get all annoyed and make her get down again!) ARGH! I love my dog but she is infuriating and has pushed my patience to the limit tonight! It has taken all my effort not to lose my temper with her. I have to keep reminding myself that she isn’t trying to irritate me. I just wish I could understand why she has suddenly started being like this. I think we spend too much time together. We can sometimes be in each other’s company for 24+ hours at a time! I’m thinking she might have to start sleeping downstairs. That will be tough for both of us. Tough for Jade because she hates being on her own. Tough for me because I’ll feel sorry for her! But I can’t go through another night like tonight. I might end up throwing her out the window! So yes, it’s probably best for both of us if she stays downstairs and I get a break from her! I'm sure she'll get used to it... Wish I wasn't so soft-hearted!!! |
| I’m feeling very depressed tonight. It has been a crappy day. It doesn’t help that I’m in pain. I keep getting this pain in my teeth but the dentist couldn’t find anything that might be causing it. She told me to use toothpaste for sensitive teeth but that hasn’t helped at all. I’m so fed-up with it! I have so much reviewing to do for the PDG and also Pond poetry but just really don’t feel up to doing it. I’m starting to think opening my contest again this year was a bad idea... I’m tired and bored. My concentration is bad so I can’t read at the moment. I hate that. I think that out of all the crappy things that come with having depression, that has to be the worst. I didn’t go to the volunteer thing today. I should have. I’m disappointed in myself but really don’t have the energy to dwell on this right now. I don’t have the energy for anything actually. Think I might just go to bed. I really don’t want tomorrow to come.  |
| I’m so, so tired. I’ve only had about two hours sleep. I’ve been trying to sleep on the couch as my whole bedroom has been cleared out in preparation for the new carpet I’m having fitted. It has not been a pleasant night! I woke up about half an hour ago with a major sore throat and feeling like I could barely breathe. I was baking hot and it didn’t help that Jade was asleep on my legs! She’s now been banished to her basket, which she isn’t happy about! I’ve tried to get back to sleep but can't. I can’t wait for the day to be over and it’s only 6am! I’m just dreading it. I hate having workpeople in. I hate having to talk to them. I hate having to make them drinks. I hate having to get on with stuff when there are strangers in the house! The whole thing makes me so anxious. I really need to get more social, I realise that! It will be worth it though—worth all the hassle of dragging heavy furniture out of my room, a sleepless night on the couch and dealing with workmen (or women!) I’ve needed a new carpet for ages and the one I’m getting is lovely and soft and purple! But I am not looking forward to putting everything back in my room. I think it’s going to be a looooooonnngg day. I hope I can get a bit more sleep soon.  EDIT: Grrrrrrrrrr! The carpet I ordered was damaged so they had to bring me a different one. It's not as soft as the one I wanted but it is actually a better quality carpet, and worth more. It's also almost exactly the same shade as the one I wanted, so that's good. It's all done now and looks great! I've been told to wait a couple of hours before vacuuming it and moving my stuff back in. Can't wait!  |
Yay! My contest is doing very well. It has only been open for 8 days and already has 25 entries. But I want MORE!!! Mwahahahahaha! So please consider entering.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| My neighbours have been in their garden all morning playing with some kind of pellet gun and making loads of noise, and my poor dog is absolutely terrified. I’ve never known her to be so scared for so long. I’m worried about the strain this is having on her heart. She isn’t a young dog anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything. I’ve cuddled her. I’ve ignored her. I took her into the bathroom while I had a bath, so the sound of the water pipes would cover up the “scary” noises. That worked but we couldn’t stay in there all day! I even took her out into the garden, closer to the noises, and tried to distract her with a ballgame and loads of praise. That worked for a few minutes, until a particularly loud noise sent her running back inside. I’m back to ignoring her right now. I don’t know what else I can do! She’s in my room and won’t come downstairs when I call her. If anyone is reading this and has any advice, please let me know! I’d do anything to help her. I can’t stand to see her so frightened. |
| Day 30 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "VIP Pass or Hall Pass? Write whatever comes into your mind." Okaaaaaaaay...? Honestly, the first thing that came to mind when I read this prompt was a line of big, bright, curly question marks, like this: ???????????????????????????? But I don’t think that would make a great entry for the last day of the blog challenge. I have no clue what this prompt is about! The question asks: VIP pass or Hall pass? I’m going to go with VIP pass because it sounds better and I don’t even know what a hall pass is. Perhaps I should google it? Okay, this is what google says for “define hall pass” written permission from a teacher for a student to be out the classroom and in the halls of the school. We didn’t have to have a hall pass when I was at school. The teachers would hardly ever let us leave the classroom and if they did, their verbal permission was enough. When I was 14, my French teacher wouldn’t even let me leave class to go to the school nurse even though I was clearly ill. It turned out later I had appendicitis. I should have sued him! My appendix could have burst. I could have died! Anyway, here’s one definition that came up when I googled “define VIP pass” A VIP pass is normally a meet and greet pass. You get to hang out with the band back stage. Now that sounds good! I’ve never had a VIP pass before though I would have loved one at the U2 and REM concerts I went to. Nothing else really comes to mind for this prompt! And now, after 30 days of consistent blogging, I am all blogged out! This challenge turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be and I feel very proud of myself for completing it. |
| Day 29 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "You remember the old days of the web? How the sites looked like with only html coding and/or old levels of flash? When blogs were limited? Aside the web there were cassette tapes, floppy discs, VCDs and LDs and we used to make mixes on the tapes to listen in our car as the CD players were unavailable or expensive. And of course the CRT monitors which were really small compared to the monitors we have today. Write about this past in many paragraphs if need be. Write about vinyl records, the walkmans that were the predecessors to the iPOD, the first mobile phones, etcetera. Write your memories about them and how much they mean to you. Even if you were born in the late 90's or so I bet technology still has progressed and you might have seen your parents' old things. So, write on the nascent years of the tech generation." I actually don’t remember the old days of the web. I grew up in the 90s and for some reason, even though I’m only 24, my childhood feels like a blur that happened ages and ages ago. I honestly can’t remember when I became aware of the internet, when I first used it or I what I thought of it etc, even though it is such a huge part of my life now. I do, however, remember the happy pre-facebook days. It seems like kids today (and doesn’t that make me sound about a hundred years old?  ) can’t go longer than half an hour without checking in on facebook. They log-in when they first wake up, they post statuses using their phones when they’re in lessons at school, and then they come home and spend all evening on it doing whatever it is they do. I have no idea! It also seems that younger and younger children are lying about their ages to get accounts. That’s pretty depressing so I’ll move on...What else can I remember about the old days of technology? Let’s see! When I was very young, probably about 6 or 7, I had a walkman. It was purple! I only had a few cassette tapes. The main one was a mixed tape my mum made for me which had songs like “Agadoo” and “The Locomotion” on it. I also had a tape of a woman singing the times tables and a tape of children’s songs, such as “How Much is that Doggy in the Window?” After the walkman I got a CD player, but I really wasn’t that crazy about music when I was a child; not like now. I think I got through just two CD players before I got my first (and only) mp3 player for my 21st birthday. I think I caught onto CD-less music quite late. I have memories of feeling embarrassed about using my CD player on a train full of people using dinky little iPods! I can remember VCRs, of course, and how annoying it was if you wanted to find a specific part of a film. You’d have to hit the forward or rewind button and try to judge the right time to press play! I still have a VCR though haven’t used it in years and only have about three videos left now which I plan on replacing soon. I’m trying to ignore the Blue-ray and high definition stuff that’s replacing DVDs because I have no money! And I like my DVD collection how it is. As for phones, I think I got my first mobile phone when I was about thirteen. Again, that was probably quite late. It actually wasn't too bad—I think it was quite a small, slim-line phone for the times. It was blue. You could ring people and text them... that was it. Even my second phone didn't have a camera, though at least that one had games on it. I was so addicted to this game with a snake that you had to steer around to eat apples, and it would grow bigger and bigger after each apple. That was fun! I miss that... My phone today is very hi-tech—probably too hi-tech for me! That’s about it really. I’m not a big lover of technology, though I’m sure I take a lot of it for granted. I would prefer things to just stay as they are than have to keep replacing and updating everything! |
| Day 28 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: No prompt! In my CBT session the other day, I told my therapist that I love reading and am a member of a writing website where I can find lots of reading material. She asked me if I write too and I lied and said no! I recently told my employment advisor that I enjoy writing but when he questioned me for more details I became extremely evasive and wouldn’t tell him anything else. I couldn't tell him anything else. I don’t know why I’m like that. I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed to be a writer and so intensely shy and private about my work with people in my offline life. The only person who knows both the real, physical me and my writing, is Mark. But for some reason that feels okay, because he knew my work first. Technically I am a published writer. Between the ages of 11 and 15, I had four poems published in anthologies. I was so proud of myself at the time but now I cringe at the thought of those poems. I hate thinking that people who know me got to read them. I wish I could erase those poems from my past! That’s the main reason I’m not interested in getting published. I want people to read my poetry. I want feedback. I want to become a better writer. But I do not want the people in my life (my offline life) to see so much of my soul. I’d rather die! I think the reason I’m embarrassed to admit to people that I write is because I am such a private person, who always likes to be in control of everything. I don’t want people to know that I do have feelings that I need to express; that things do have an effect on me; that I am an emotional person. I hate to be vulnerable and admitting that I write, which is often seen as something only sensitive, deep, emotional souls do, makes me feel very vulnerable. |
| Day 27 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "What was the best advice you were ever given? And did you take it?" I think I’ve already mentioned the best advice I’ve ever received once during this blog challenge but here is the full story. I’m sure most people who were members here before October 2009 knew Larry (Kansaspoet). He was a moderator when I first joined and used to run a great poetry challenge, which unfortunately I’ve forgotten the name of. He closed his account but then came back in 2009 as Lawrence  . Sadly, not long after that, he died. I can’t tell you how strange a feeling it is to grieve for someone you’ve never met in person! I miss Larry and think of him often. He is the person who gave me the best advice I’ve ever received and I’ll never forgot how he helped me.It was back in late February/early March, 2009. I hadn’t written a poem in months. My confidence in my writing was probably the lowest it had ever been. I was beginning to think I’d never be able to write again! I thought I’d lost my imagination. Back then I was a member of a poetry group which unfortunately no longer exists. I posted a message about my problem and fears in the group forum and asked for help. Larry responded. He advised me to begin writing for myself again. He told me I should write because I love to write and not worry about how good it is or what other people will think of it. He said it’s hard to write when you don’t believe in yourself but then went on to say he believes in me. He encouraged me to have fun with writing again and to enter his poetry challenge, which I had enjoyed taking part in before writer’s block struck. I took his advice and wrote my first poem in months for his challenge. The prompt was the difficult “Cleave” form. It wasn’t perfect but I didn’t care. I was writing, thanks to Larry. Now whenever I’m struggling with writing I remind myself of what Larry said. His words have had such an impact on me and wish I could tell him how much what he said means to me. I even wrote a poem about the whole experience as a tribute to Larry after I found out he had passed away. I think it’s very fitting for this prompt, so here it is: "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor For Larry I write for me and my words are tears-- streams of crystal emotion released from the cell of my heart. I write of my dreams, of the light, the dark, of the fears that explode along axons and spark between nerves. I write to purge my soul-- an attempt to keep hold of what makes me whole. I write for me-- the way it should be-- because that’s what you said to do when you stirred and restored my love of words, setting them free, allowing me to be true. I write for me because of you. |
| Day 26 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "If you were asked to be the keynote speaker at a graduation ceremony, what would you say to inspire the graduates to work toward their dreams and attain their goals? Write your speech for us." Note: I must apologise for the lameness that follows. It's no secret that I've been finding this blog challenge tough but today's prompt has been the toughest for me. I've agonised over what to write all day! It almost left me speechless! If I hadn't come so far I would have sat this one out, but with only four days to go I'm not going to let this prompt defeat me! This was so hard for me to write but I did learn something from it. I learned that I do not have a future in speech-writing! Anyway, here it is: "You know how hard you’ve worked. You know what you have achieved. You know what this means to you. You know what it has taken to get here. You know this is just the end of the beginning. Therefore, I don’t know what there is I can say! But all joking aside, congratulations on your graduation day. The road ahead may not always be easy but you’ve already come so far. You’ve proved to yourself what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it. Take what you’ve learned over the past few years and work hard to achieve your next goal. I’ll finish off with this well-known quote: “When one door closes, another opens.” You may not know where that door leads yet but do not be afraid to step through it and find your next opportunity. I wish you the best of luck for the future." |
| Day 25 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "I deserve a ____________. Finish the statement and write about why you deserve it." This is hard. I don’t tend to think in “I deserve” terms as it makes me feel self-centred. I’m not comfortable thinking about it. I don’t like the word “deserve”—it brings to mind a spoilt little brat demanding “I want, I want” all the time. I'd rather not be that brat! I think here in the UK we’ve developed a very “I deserve” culture. People seem to think they have an automatic right to all kinds of things and that they shouldn’t have to do anything to earn them. I find that depressing. In my opinion we should only deserve things if we’ve done something to earn them. So with that in mind, here’s my answer to the prompt: I deserve a break. By that I mean a break from all the things I’ve struggled with over the years—the depression, the OCD, anxiety, flashbacks, low confidence etc. Maybe I don’t deserve to have those things completely disappear forever but I certainly think I’ve earned a break from them. I have worked so hard to overcome them but unfortunately have made very little progress and I don’t understand why. I don’t know what else I can do. A break would be wonderful. I’d use it to get a job, to get out, to meet people etc. I’d use it to build the life I want, even if I could only experience it for a little while. I like to think maybe I deserve that. But it seems I do not. And now instead of being self-centred, I’ve been self-pitying, which is probably just as bad. Sorry about that. I’m having a bad day! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Day 24 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "...surely we all have some daily chores stories, whether from your own home or from when you were a child at home with your parents or guardian. Therefore, your prompt for day 24 is: The Domestic Division of Labor." Chores were never a big deal when I was growing up as neither parent was particularly house-proud. Occasionally my Mum would get a bit pissed off at the state of the house and assign us all cleaning tasks but it never lasted that long. I always volunteered to do the vacuuming. I could whiz round quickly while my brother and sister argued over who was going to do the polishing and who was going to clean the kitchen.  When I went to University, my OCD suddenly got really bad and I became obsessive about keeping things clean. I definitely did the most chores out of everyone living in the flat. Sometimes I’d get angry and leave it over the weekend when I visited home but I’d always come back to find it in a mess still. Now I’m back at home again the main “chore” I do is walking the dog, which I do every week day. My Mum walks her at weekends so I can get a break. We don’t divide the other household tasks among us. People just tend to do what they want, when they feel like it. I do way more than my sister, who does nothing, but my Mum probably does way more than me. I’m depressed, though, and have low energy levels. That’s my excuse, anyway, and I’m sticking with it! Seriously though, I would like to do more but sometimes I just can’t face it. Sometimes walking the dog is about as much as I can manage in a day. I think if I had my own place, I’d probably get super obsessive about keeping it clean and tidy. It’s different here at home. I don’t mind clearing up after myself but I hate clearing up after other people. My sister is the messiest person I’ve ever met. Her room looks like a bombsite and whenever she comes in the house, she immediately dumps anything she’s carrying on the living room floor. It does my head in! I’m not a naturally tidy person, but I’m no slob! And I’m definitely not going to clean up after one! |
| I’m so, so sad that REM have decided to split up. They have been my favourite band for years and their music means so much to me. I was 18 when I first started getting into them though I’d owned “In Time: The Best of REM 1988-2003” for two years. I remember I brought it as part an offer—5 DVDs and/ or CDs for £30. I’d chosen 4 things I wanted and didn’t really want anything else in particular. I decided to get the REM CD because I liked what I’d heard of their music. Also, I knew that a lot of U2 fans are also REM fans, and I love U2. Anyway, for whatever reason I didn’t listen to the CD properly until I started University in 2005. Then I fell in love! I’m so glad I got the chance to see them live in 2008. That is an experience I will never forget. They were amazing. Here is one of my favourite REM videos. It's so funny! [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Bye REM!  |
| Day 23 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: ""What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call.” ~ Liz Carpenter Write a letter to someone you care about, maybe someone you wish to apologize to, maybe someone you miss." This is an interesting prompt though I'll admit I've been struggling with it. There isn't really anyone I want to write a letter to! But this is what I came up with eventually, and hopefully it's mildly amusing as that's what I was going for! Dear Jade,  I know you won’t be able to read this, or even understand it if someone reads it out to you because you are a dog, but I need to get this out. I’m sorry I have been so impatient with you recently but unfortunately that’s what happens when you wake someone up at 4am and won’t leave them alone. It’s highly annoying, and of course exhausting too, but I should understand that you are becoming an old lady now (11 next month) and that sometimes nature calls! I will try to be mindful of that in the future but it is quite hard to be mindful at 4am. Maybe you could help us both out by actually “going” when I let you out last thing at night, instead of just hiding round the corner? That would be great! This has just been a tiny blip in our otherwise very good relationship. You are still very special to me and have helped me through some tough times. I enjoy our walks together and playing games with you. You are the most fun-spirited dog I have ever met and I love that you are still in touch with your inner puppy. I can’t imagine what it’s like to walk a dog that doesn’t roll every two steps! And the flying rolls are just awesome—I’m glad they’ve made a comeback! That’s it really so I’ll just finish off by saying thank you so much for being such a brilliant dog! Lots of love, Jess. |
| Day 22 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . Prompt: "You are putting on a dinner party, and have already invited all the friends and family that you want to attend. Now, you can invite three more people from anywhere in the world, and any time in history... who are they, and why? (no fictional characters!)" Well, it’s extremely unlikely that I’d ever host a dinner party seeing as I’m not the social type, hate parties and can’t cook! But I’ve been thinking about this all day while I’ve been out because, yes, I actually managed to go to the volunteer thing! So, yay for me! Anyway, the first person I thought of to invite was Michael Stipe because I love him and REM is my favourite band. I thought I could ask Michael to provide the music and then he might have brought along the rest of the band with him! But then I got home and learned that REM split up yesterday.  I am in shock. I am devastated! I’d still invite Michael though because he’s one of my heroes. I think he is an interesting person and a talented artist. I have a lot of respect for him. And maybe I could convince him to get the band back together again!The second person I’d invite to my party is John Steinbeck, one of my favourite writers. I would love to talk to him about his amazing work—especially East of Eden, Of Mice and Men, The Grapes of Wrath, Cannery Row and Sweet Thursday. I think I would probably feel a little star-struck around him though! But that’s okay as I’d want him to do most of the talking. I don’t really know a whole lot about John Steinbeck’s life, so it would be fascinating to find out more about him too. It took me a while to decide on a third person but then I thought I’d like to meet Anne Frank. I recently re-read her diary and am now reading a biography of her. I am fascinated by her story, which I hope doesn’t make me sound morbid. Maybe fascinated isn't the right word—more like deeply affected. I just think she seemed like an intelligent, lively, beautifully spirited person and I would feel honoured to meet her. So that’s that. I think I’ve chosen an interesting mix of people. |
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