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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| I never thought I would end up in one of those situations where you love two people, but you have to choose. Secondly, I never thought the choice would be so easy. I had to choose between someone that I have loved for years, but most likely didn't have a chance with, and someone that I have loved for a short while, but that I was already with. I chose the first guy. He just wants to stay friends. I told him how I feel. He really doesn't know how to react. Oddly, I'm still happy. I love him, and now he at least knows it. I'm not hiding it from him anymore. I'm doing really well. "Some people you love no matter what, and others you love if the situation is right. To me, the best kind of love is the no matter what kind" -Inventing the Abbotts Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
| Well, things have worked out once again, however, in the process I lost every semblence of trust in a friend. It sucks, but as I am coming to really despise the guy I really don't care. Once again I put a person up on a pedestal, and they didn't even come close. meh. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| It's a quote from Bruce Cockburn, and it describes something for me that I really wasn't able to put into words. It's when you are falling asleep on the bed of the person you love and you realize... "This is simple and this is grace". It's so hard to put into words... If you think you know what I'm talking about... please, try to help me explain it... Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Someone I know, trust, and love finally snapped me back. Told me to quit the drama. He's right. So, for a while, I think I'm just going to take this private. No more entries, except maybe when work is pissing me off... I've been getting more and more pissed off at work lately. "But the beginning of things, of a world especially, is necessarily vauge, tangled, chaotic and exceedingly disturbing." - Kate Chopin, The Awakening I think I'm actually going to focus on trying to find out why I fuck these things up. I'm going to focus on changing it. It had to happen eventually. "If I could change anything, then I would change everything" - Nine Days, 'Bitter' Anyway... Honestly, life is pretty good right now. I got to go out with my sister last Saturday, and I had a lot of fun with her. For a 6-year-old she's really smart, which makes her fun to be around. We went and saw Lilo & Stitch, which I got a big kick out of, mainly because, for the first time, Disney isn't using their typical face for the heroine. I think they got a new animator, lol. When I got her back, Mom took us all out for Mini-Golf, which was great. I am really happy about passing my Spanish test. Yeah, I wish Munchie had actually at least congradulated me instead of "yeah, so what" but that doesn't change the fact that I got a 5, which is really damned good. I'm having a pool party in a couple of weeks, and that's really cool too. I'm going to get to see some of the friends that I've been ignoring for most of the summer because I was focusing too much on Munchie and his little needs, and I don't need to do that anymore. So I guess, really, all in all the only things that are bugging me right now are work, the forest fires, and running into Munchie. Running into Munchie wouldn't be that bad, I guess. That's just life. As good as I am at tuning other people's feelings out, I should know how to tune mine out every once and a while. Wow... I really don't have much to complain about. Hmmmmmm. Cool. Life goes on. "You're bound to move on and so am I... On this world we've had time to burn - How come nobody ever seems to learn" - Bruce Cockburn, 'Starwheel' He's already moved on, why the hell shouldn't I? I've got good friends, a semi-decent job, and loads of free time and money on my hands now. And I'm going into a bunch of new classes next year that aren't full of the annoying IB parrots... I might actually meet some new people.. that could really help. "We are so afraid of disorder we make it into a God" - Gospel of Bondage Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So I got a 5 on my IB Spanish Exam. According to their grading process, you need at least a 4 to pass: so, I passed. It was the exam that made my life a living hell, the class that I hated, and the straw that nearly broke my back, but I passed. It should be joyous. It's not. The only person I would want to share my joy with me now is the one that put up with me when I was going through all the pain to get it: Munchie. Damnit damnit damnit damnit all to hell. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| According to him, I've never actually cared about anyone. According to him, I just use guys as toys, and I was never really in love with him. He's decided he's better off without me. He's moved on. He's on his way to being happy, or he may actually be so. It's killing me. I feel even worse now than I did before, and I'm not sure if that was even possible. But he's happy and he's moving on, the two things I asked him to do, and which he said he would never be able to do. He only did what I asked him to. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| "If I told you this was killing me, would you, would you stop?" - The Juliana Theory I got called in to work yesterday. For the first time since I started, I had to work the register through our lunch rush. (Usually I bus) Well, about halfway into it, Munchie walks in, and gets a pop. I really didn't say anything, simply because I was having enough trouble keeping up on the register, and I really didn't want to talk to him. Well, halfway through a large back up, he comes over, and asks me to talk with him after work. My response? "I really don't feel like talking to you right now". Ok, well, I nearly got in a shitload of trouble on that one - we had another store manager filling in for ours, and he nearly took my head of for talking to a customer like that - until I told him that that customer was my ex-boyfriend, and he'd keep coming in here until the day the world ended (AKA, when Chipotle goes out of business). Well, after work, he happened to be refilling that drink (As I said, he works nextdoor), and he followed me out - I was hoping to avoid him, and I guess he didn't pick up on the me-passing-him-and-leaving-before-he-can-say-something bit. Meh. So he asks when we can talk. I don't want to, he doesn't understand. I just can't face him. It hurts too much still. And if he is trying to act mature, this sure as hell isn't the way to go about it. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| It's been a day since I last talked to him... and though we are on somewhat better terms now... It still needs space. One day in what is bound to be many many weeks to come. It's been 24 hours since I heard his voice last... 24 hours since I last saw him... It's never felt like this before. I've had pain, I've had hatred, I've had loss, and I've had joy at breaking up with someone... but I've never felt this... emptiness... before today. Something that had come to define me over the past few months is gone. What do I do when I see him next? It will happen, he works next door to where I work. What do I do when he comes into Chipotle to get drinks for the people working at his place that day? And when school starts? What then? Our mutual friends can just see us individually during the summer... but when school starts, we're going to be in close quarters. The last two times, that wasn't a concern. Kebeth doesn't go to the same school as me, and Elyas had "graduated". I'm sitting here listening to the last gift he ever gave me - The Puddle of Mudd CD that I have wanted for a long time - because the song "Blurry" reminds me of him, and me, and us. "'cause I am lost without you, I cannot live at all, My whole world surrounds you, I stumble then I crawl" -Blurry And that really says most of how I feel, well, actually, the whole song does. He couldn't have chosen a better CD. Such a thoughtful guy - he even gave me my breakup music. If only it weren't for his immaturity. If only he hadn't chosen the person he did to hate. If only I didn't feel I owed a debt to the person he chose to hate. But I do, and even if it weren't for that debt, I would fight for him 'til death. I've always been adamant that once people made it to my friends list, I would do anything for them. Only a few people have actually made it to that list. My now ex-boyfriend happened to choose one of the few that are near the top of the list. Actually, the guy he chose was just below him on the ladder, and since the whole issue of hatred was based on a lie, my friend got bumped up for a while. I guess now it's permanent. He's acting semi-mature about it now... If only he had done that a week sooner... He finally saw what I was saying... again, if only a week earlier... Of all the fights to pick, of all the friends to choose, of all the lies told, why couldn't it have been something different? And the very ironic thing is, the friend of Munchie's that told him the lies about the friend of mine? I'm starting to hate him for what he did. I don't go after people unless they do something to me personally, and while his slander against my friend shouldn't have even touched me, it did. I blame him for the break up. I blame him for ruining not only a beautiful relationship that I had with someone I love, but for ruining our chances at staying friends after we broke up. I blame him, and it does affect me. It affects me in a place that most don't even think I have - my heart. I'm not a big fan of hatred, but when someone goes far enought to earn my dislike... well, I'm sure those out there who have been on that side of my personality would very openly say that it's not a plesant place to be. I have a temper. I have a very very hot temper. I love revenge. This guy had better figure out that I'm pissed, or he's going to be in for a hard ride next year. I've got the ears of a few of his "friends". I can use all of my past manipulations to turn against him... but I won't. I won't because he also happens to be the guy who saved Munchie's life earlier this year. And if he did that... I can't hate him. I am angry at him for spreading stupid ass rumours about a damned good friend of mine... but that's life. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| These are the moments I hate... The moments where you suddenly realize just how alone you are. The moments where you realize you won't get to feel his arm around you again. All I want is for his arms to be around me, and to hear his voice in my ear telling me it will be alright... that everything is going to be alright. To feel at peace there in his arms, as I always did. But all that is gone now. I hate the moments when you realize that. When you look at something and it sharply reminds you that you don't have them, and that you've lost them forever. Forever is a long time, people have been fond of telling me. I guess if I can't love someone forever, I can be without them forever, and the difference is minimal. And when I've said that I'll love someone forever, I have. I'm still in love with all three of them... though it has changed in so many ways now. So many ways. And only with one is there still friendship. Only with two would I still put my life on the line... and with one of those it's because they are still too close to my heart. I hate these moments. I hate realizing that I'm not going to call him tomorrow morning first thing after I wake up. I hate knowing that I won't talk to him tomorrow, or the next day, or for weeks after that. I hate realizing that I'm not going to be able to tell him my problems, and go to him when I feel sad. His arm are no longer there to comfort me, his voice is no longer the first and last thing I hear each day. I hate it. I hate feeling alone, I hate being alone. But I hate it more now than I ever have before. He was more to me than any before. And it's over. Very very much over. And there's nothing I can do about it. He needs to grow and move on, and so do I. These are the moments when I don't want to sleep, because my dreams are so much better than life... Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| What do you do when someone you love tells you that you can't be friends with a person simply because they've decided to hate your friend with no real cause? I've recently discovered that what you do in that situation, is destroy what could have been an amazing relationship, if it weren't for the guy's own damned immaturity. I have a talent for picking 'em. At least I managed to salvage the friendship, and I know the whole story now, I've put all the little pieces together to come up with a surprising whole. I knew all along that what my friend was being accused of simply wasn't in his character (the most honorable guy I know asking someone who is engaged to a good friend of his to cheat on her fiancee with him? Please.), but I couldn't convince my (now ex-)boyfriend of that. He's so blinded by hate that he's stopped seeing reason, and I don't know what to do. So, once again, having opened myself up, I get hurt. I really am sick of doing that. All I ask for now is a quiet senior year. I want to stay single, but I've reached a point where I've suddenly determined that I don't know what it means for me to be single. I've been in a relationship pretty much from day one of high-school. I've fallen in love three times, and so far, only one of the three is still talking to me... but he and I have moved so beyond a chance at a relationship that it isn't even the merest thought in either of our heads right now. So much for that. So I guess I'm going to have to learn what it means to be alone, because it's clear that I actually want it that way - why else would I push away everyone who matters to me in my life? So, what do you do when your boyfriend goes crazy on you and decides to manipulate your life? What do you do when the person you loves tries to take everything that matters to you away? It's simple, you realize that they don't really love you back, no matter what they may say, and you leave, you deal with the pain, and you go on with your life. I just wish I could have figured out the last part of the whole thing sooner: You leave, you go on with your life, and you let them be happy. Even if them beeing happy doesn't involve you. You have to really let them go. Too bad that happiness is overrated. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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