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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| Well, I think it's really over this time around. And it figures. I open myself up finally, just in time to sear the pain right back in. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of caring, I'm sick of giving a damn about people, and most of all, I'm sick of myself. Fuck everything Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
| I find it odd how easy it is to give one reason for making a decision at the time of making it, and figure out the real reason for that decision months after it is made. I have very rarely given the real reason for my choices, and yet, after much thinking, I have come to a conclusion about why I made certain decisions in my life over this past year and a half. A year ago... I did something that changed my life forever. (details end here). I did it because I thought I was in love. Then suddenly the realization comes that I did it because I was in love with someone other than the person I thought I was in love with. All my choices last summer were due to the fact that I was rebounding rather heavily from the biggest heartbreak of my life. A heartbreak that I brought upon myself, a heartbreak that I caused, and the pain from causing that person pain. I hated myself. I woke up every day, not thinking of the man I was telling I loved at the time, but of the one I had hurt. Every time I passed a place that reminded me of him, I wondered if he had forgiven me yet. I wondered if he could ever forgive me. I told myself I was over him. I told myself that I had found someone else, someone better. It was all bullshit, concocted to let me handle my pain. I was a chicken, I hid behind my supposed love for someone I secretly hated. Someone that I wanted to convince myself I could love, just so I would be over the other guy. No such luck. Time passed, the choices I made came back to haunt me, and I broke up with the rebound. Two months passed, and my real love emailed me. We slowly started to rebuild a friendship, based on the fact that we "didn't care about each other anymore". I don't know about him, but I still loved him at the time. I was estatic, he had (at least in some part) forgiven me. Even better, we were talking again. I couldn't have been more happy... Until I started dating Muncher. Up until a week ago, I was torn. I loved both of them. And this time, the current boyfriend wasn't a rebound, wasn't me trying to convince myself of something that wasn't there. I actually love him. So here I was... In love with two different guys, for two different reasons, and with my particular talent of shutting off a part of me to keep in reserve... And then I came to my decision. I realized that I had handled a year without my old love, but that I couldn't even handle 24 hours without Muncher. I still love the other guy, but... Well, that hasn't worked itself out yet... maybe now it will. (here's to not editing the message of my post to hide my true feelings from people I know read my journal) Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Don't you hate those moments in your life when everything clicks into place, and you can't believe how blind you've been? Today I figured out why I don't believe in love... or at least why I didn't believe in love. It took someone punching through a wall of mine that I had built so long ago that I don't even remember building it, or having it, to realize why it was there. I have never dedicated myself to a person entirely, until today. Until about two hours ago, I would always reserve a small portion of myself, hold part of my heart in reserve. It protected me. It kept me from really caring if I ever lost anyone. Up until a few hours ago, I always thought I was safe, that no one could get to me. Nothing was so bad that I couldn't get over it, because I didn't ever let myself get that close. Why am I like this... That I realized tonight, upon leaving the house of the person that had finally broken through that wall, finally got me to give myself completely. Without giving enough details to let anyone figure out who they are to the point of realizing how I feel about them as of right now, I will say it involves me getting lost at an amusement park when I was very young. And the reaction of the people who were supposed to be there, who were supposed to tell me everything was alright. They didn't, I realized that just because you love someone doesn't mean they love you back, and I walled a part of me off for the rest of my life... until now. It's like playing tetris with my life right now. I hate it. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So I have been sitting, reading, working, talking, watching TV, and doing just about everything else I can think of doing, simply so I don't have to face myself. I've realized quite a few things about myself these past 24 or so hours. Things that I always knew under my surface, but I would never admit to. Things that I never wanted to face, but I knew I had to at some point in my life. Things that I hate about myself, and things that I use to make people hate me so I can avoid getting close. Things that just add to my maze. I'm starting to realize how I see myself. And I hate it. I hate the image I have built up in my mind for who I am. I hate what I've become in my attempts to keep myself from giving a shit about anyone. And I really couldn't care less about most of the people surrounding me in my life. I convince myself before I get committed that things will never work. I worry about the chance that I'll get hurt in the future to the point where I lose really amazing things today. I get so caught up in what I could lose that I don't realize that I'm driving it away before I get the chance to lose it. And it makes me happy. It gives me so much pleasure to be isolated and alone, because I have myself convinced that it is better than risking the pain. And it was... Until recently. When I look in the mirror, half the time I hate what I see. I look ugly to myself, and I feel ugly. I'll get to the point some times that I hate how I look so much that it depresses me to leave the house. But other times, I look in the mirror, and I'm having one of those "good looks" days, and part of me goes "Wow... I would screw her... she's hot", and another part of me goes "Don't say that. It's vain. If you say that you're no better than all of those popular girls that have the same looks as you." I hate the popular people for one basic reason, because I could so easily be one of them if I weren't so damned shy. When I switched schools in the 8th grade, I was determined to get in with the 'cool kids'. The second I got there, I was lost in a new school, and I did what my usual instincts told me - seek out the kindly help of the not so cool kids - because they will actually help you. I grew up at a school where my potential for future popularity was determined in Pre-school because some kids were picked up in fancier cars than me, or because pretty much all of the popular kids didn't need to look good - their parents were rich enough to give them all the clothes and such to make them cool. I didn't even have a chance. So, by the time I finally broke through into public school, I was so damned shy that I couldn't even bring myself to talk to the more popular sectors of my classes. So I just settled back into my old routine of saying how much I hated popular kids. I hate feeling vain, I hate realizing that, hell, I'm not that bad looking. I am actually likable when I'm not being a bitch to people to keep them from liking me. I'm not even entirly sure why I do that anymore. I know that at the private school it kept me safe from the taunts of the other students, and that it gave me an edge after I took some hold on my temper, because I could shut myself off from the emotions of the other kids and bitch them out without feeling bad about it. I got in the habit of picking on my friends in private school too - of my 3 good friends, for the most part, they had the same or lower popularity ratings than I did. Sometimes I would mock them just to push myself higher in the esteem of the popular kids... and that's the first time I've admited to that. After a while, it became a joke with me, seeing how many insults I could trade with my closest friends. Basically, because I knew that all it really did to us was harden us to the actual mocking of the people we didn't consider friends. It let us build up our defenses in a more 'safe' manner. The only problem was, it became a habit of mine. I started doing it with my new friends, not out of necessity, but because I really have no clue how to deal with people otherwise. I spend so much of my time saying how much I hate certain aspects of society. For the most part, what I say I hate, I do, but in many areas, I really don't think my beliefs stand up to logic. I don't believe in abortion, except in the cases of rape and when it is physically harmful for the mother to carry the child to term. But last summer when I had a scare about whether or not I could be pregnant, the main thing floating through my mind was that if I was pregnant, that I would get an abortion - and my two little rules didn't apply to me. I'm a hypocrite in every aspect. I can set down my beliefs, but I don't have to adhere to them myself. I have always believed that the best way to deal with criminals was to throw everything at them that you could - screw rehabilitation, just go straight for the throat. And then a good friend of mine was on the recieving end of our justice system... and all I wanted, all I want, is for him to get off as easily as possible. Half of my beliefs are just sitting there because I don't want to go along with the crowd. Because I'll do anything to avoid becoming a sheep. "So original in her black lipstick Listening to some obscure band But isn't she pissed at all the other non-conformists who listen to that same obscure band But thats OK shes helping the enviroment By sipping on pure water and such Then screams we better start thinking about the OZone layer, While tossing out a Styrofoam cup" -New Radicals, Jehovah Made This Whole Joint For You I really hate myself for the most part. And I reflect that hate onto anyone but myself. I will never take the fall unless I have to, never take the blame if I can push it off onto somone else. Damnit all to hell. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So I just broke up with my boyfriend. Life is shitty, and I really can't help it. I don't want to lose him as a friend, because I realized that we make better friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. But he's really not interested in that. So I've alienated yet another person because I couldn't commit/care. And I really don't. I'm just now starting to realize what a selfish, coldhearted bitch I really am. Oh, it hurts, don't get me wrong, but it hurts because I don't get to keep him as my friend, not because I've lost the connection with him as my boyfriend. Damn it all to hell. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So... I'm free. No more hell, no more IB, no more stinking advanced classes that make me feel like a bleeding idiot. I get to take the classes I want now. I'm out of school for the year, and I get a summer to relax. However... Everyone I love from this Senior class is gone now. Including one of my "sisters". That has me very much depressed. Add in the fact that I have to get a job, which, by the way, I did, and that at that job I'm the only person who is fluent in English except the managers, and you get, well, a mess. The only light is that my boyfriend works right next door. OOOOHHH and because of the wonderful drought we are having here in Colorado, I get to worry about my house burning down (beauties of living in the mountains) Sigh.... Here's to a summer that's better than the last one, eh? Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| I've been out of it recently, as I just discovered today. Turns out that one of my favourite bands of all time released their long anticipated record (Silverchair "Diorama") last month. And I missed it somehow.
I hate being so bogged down with school. It's really getting annoying. *sigh*. Every night it's an effort to stay awake as long as my parents want me to. My mom doesn't want me getting in the habit of sleeping early in the day, because "I won't sleep at night". Thing is, the sleeping at night habit isn't really enough - I need to crash at least an hour earlier. So as a result, I'm exausted, courting sickness, and generally feeling like shit. Add in stress and Presto! Insta-soup brain. I just can't believe I've become that disjointed with my reality. Music is my life. Quite literally. I hear music in my head when I'm not listening to it, and when I am listening to it - I'm singing along (in my head or out loud - depends on who's around). I sing in the choirs at school. But, thanks to the wonderful IB program, I had to give that up this past semester. So that cuts down on some music. But it's still there. Here I am complaining that there's no good, new music out, and HELLO! Diorama is right there and I MISSED IT!?!?! *sob* 3 weeks, then no more school. 3 weeks, then no more school. 3 weeks, the... Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Reviewed Item's Title: Lyrics That Define My Life
"I never knew that apologies were within your capabilities, yet you say it has been a while since you said "I'm sorry." The problem there is that to do so you have to admit you were wrong, and you are not known for your ability to do so." I would like to say, at this point, that I hate anonymous reviews. Especially when 9 times out of 10 I can tell who they're from. Grrr. Anywhoo, to whomever this was, you may or may not be the person I'm apologizing to. I don't offer explainations with my lyrics for a reason. They're personal, and everyone needs to take their own message from the lyrics and the music. For the (official) record: In posting this song I was, in effect, apologizing to Kebeth for how I treated him over the past year. He didn't deserve that treatment from me as a friend, much less as someone who said she loved him. I'm apologizing to my dearly loved boyfriend, Munchie, for all the times when I seem depressed, and when I seem like I don't want him around, because I do want him around, and I don't want him to ever think otherwise. I'm apologizing to my classmates in the Junior IB class for the words I said to them a few weekends past, I ment the ideas behind the words, but I could have been more... forgiving... in the choice of words that I used. I was not, in any way shape or form apologizing to anyone else in my life, except those that I have apologized to personally. Elyas - that means you. I am in no way sorry for anything that ever passed between us. I pity you, and the future you have chosen for yourself, but I'm content and happy with where I am now, and, while I recognize that couldn't have happened without you fucking me over last December, I'm so amazingly happy that you're out of my life that I could pee a squirrel. I'm over you. Quit bugging me. If it wasn't Elyas - would whoever sent the review just come forward? They're rather annoying. I would rather know who thinks I don't have an apologetic bone in my body than wonder who it was. I'll read it either way. Meh, I don't care if it WAS Elyas. His life, his issues, if he's still bugging his ex when he's got a (new) fiancee, that's his issues. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| In just over 5 hours, I will be done with all of my spanish classes FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! You have no idea how happy this makes me. I have been taking spanish for 6 years now, solidly, and I am getting so sick of stupid spanish teachers. I LOVE the language, it's beautiful, but why do they always have to pick the nuts to teach it?? Anyway, this morning I get to take the "International Baccelaureate Program Spanish Exam" and I couldn't be happier. 3 hours of sitting in a room, writing an essay for an hour and a half, and filling out a reading comprehension packety thing for another hour and a half. And then.......... FREEDOM!!
I am so happy. This is acutally an indication of the end for me. School is out in under three weeks, I've got maybe four big assignments to go, and then I'm out of IB hell for the rest of my life! *happy happy happy* There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's right there - I can touch it (well, in a few hours at least - spanish exam... teehehehehehe). Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Ok, so... Well, this has little to do with Prom, except that it was at Prom that I started to think about this.
Isn't it amazing how easy it is to get over someone once you really realize how bad they were for you? Elyas came to prom with his new girlfriend... really not an issue - he had just as much right to be there as I did - and when I found out, the expected reaction ("Oh shit... I don't want to run in to him... what do I do... there goes my Prom right out the window") didn't occur. More accuratly, my reaction was one of "Meh, anywhoo". And about 10 minutes later - when I was outside seeing if I could actually get air inside my lungs due to the fact that my ribbed dress made it casi impossible (nearly impossible) to breath - I suddenly surprised myself by realizing that not only (a) was my reaction one of compleate and utter apathy, but (b) Elyas was standing about 10 feet away, and I hadn't noticed him, despite the fact that he'd been standing there for a while. The scary thing is - I realized that night just how over Elyas I am. And it makes me so happy! I was expecting the night to be ruined for both me, and my wonderful, loyal, handsome (even more so in a tux) date, because I thought I'd spend my time paranoid about running into Elyas. But for the most part, I really didn't care. It was beautiful. Well, since Prom my boyfriend and I have had our Four Month Aniversary. The afternoon before I spent some time really contemplating how complicated my life was by the time Elyas and I had dated for four months. I was thinking about how wonderful my life is right now, having dated my beloved Muncher for four months. It's amazing. *sigh* My life is simply so much better now. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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