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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
"These dreams we've left abandoned"
Stabbing Westward It's funny, for the past two days, I could barely breath, much less think. Someone whom I loved, and love, very much really dissapointed me (hence the censorship on the last entry). I was so upset, so crushed, that it felt like a huge part of me had died. Here was someone I really care about, showing me what a hell his life is, and expecting me to accept the fact that he came and made an ass out of himself at my school. I learned alot about my life two nights ago. I've learned even more the past two days, as I've tried to process the thoughts going through my head. I've been trying to piece the images of somone I love coming to a public place slightly drunk with the pictures of that person when I really loved them the best (and there are 6 months worth of those). The happy images of this man are all that got me through some of my tougher days the past few months. As you've probably gathered from past entries, sometimes my life can get quite rough. My memories of this person helped me get through. And now they are tainted by the image of him tipsy at my choir concert. It's been very hard for me to absorb it all. "Sometimes it hurts to lose the one you love"
Stabbing Westward That changed today. I went on a hike with my dear friend, who is more like my sister. She was there at the concert, and one of the things I talked about with her was the events of that night. The past two days she, and another "sister" of ours, have really been my pillars of support as I try to assimilate all the images in my brain. As we walked up the side of the mountain, I looked around me at the beauty of nature. I felt the peace of the day sink into me (not to mention the fact that I'm now on christmas break, that helps some). As I did so, I realized quite a few things. First, it's his choice what he wants to do. If it makes him happy, then he should do it. Really, that's all that matters to me, and I will deal with the pain if it turns out that in order for him to be happy, he has to forget about me. Second, I am very loved. I have good friends, I have two "sisters" who are there for me no matter what, and no matter how hard it is on them to hear my problems right now, I have a very supportive family, and in general, I have more people around me who are there for me need be than I have ever had before. I realized that yes, I do still love the guy, as I probably always will. I know that he will alway hold a very special place in my heart, and that I will never truly get over him. He is, and was, my world. But it has become clear to me that he feels he must do his own thing at this point. Whatever his motives for coming drunk to my choir concert, they are his. I have chosen to trust him, to let my love for him outweigh my need for him. I have decided that if my path and his are not ment to be touching anymore, then the gods must have some reason for it. "But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night I was dying" Stabbing Westward I have made my peace with the world. I have decided to let things hit me as they will. The pain isn't gone, but it has been diminished. I hope in my heart that he won't decide to leave me, but if he does, or if he already has, I pray that he knows I still love him just as much as ever, if not more. Pain is something I have grown used to, but this one has been so new. I have always embraced pain before, lived with it, grown with it, and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing it all were a dream. I do not think he understands why I was upset. I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad, I was dissapointed, and sad. I had missed him so long, and if he had come sober, I know I would have enjoyed talking to him, regardless of the other circumstances. I would have loved knowing that he was happy, and that he was doing fine. When he showed up in the condition he was in, it shocked me. I couldn't think. "I guess it's time to face the truth
And admit my past mistakes Come to terms with all that's wrong with me And all the things I'll never be" Stabbing Westward I love him, I release him, I will let him go his way. If the gods will, may our paths cross again, but until that time, may they grant him happiness, love, and all he needs. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
| This morning around 5:00 I wrote a nice little rant about the beautiful night I had last night. My parents made me take it down. So I'm putting up Stabbing Westward lyrics instead, because I'm listening to Darkest Days right now, and I love that CD. If you haven't heard the band, do so.
Haunting Me Everywhere I go I see your face And every sound I hear Is the sound of your voice Why are you haunting me? Why are you haunting me? Why can't I let you Go... go... [Chorus] Why are you haunting me? (4x) Everything about me is a lie Atleast it feels that way when I look in your eyes now The truth scares the shit out of me Whoever said love is real or love is blind Has never felt the way that I feel What does it matter? What's done is done and I should get on with my life Chorus I don't know what it is But I can't seem to make myself forget Was it something that you said? Or is it all the guilt inside my head? Chorus (repeat) ____----====----____ And this fine song is dedicated to wolflord In honour of his stupidity. For the ignorant little kiddies out there - essentially what he did last night that made me mad. Sometimes It Hurts Six o'clock in the morning My head is ready to explode I can't believe I made it home alive I don't remember where I went or What I was drinking I know it made me sick And I'm not denying that I get this way When I try to get over you I get this way When I try to get over you [Chorus] Sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love (2x) I tried so hard to hate you But it only makes things worse I only end up hating myself And as my hatred grows So do the lies It's hard to face the truth sometimes God I feel so useless God I hate myself When I try to get over you I hate myself Will I ever get over you? Chorus And after all this time you'd think I'd understand the way you feel But no I only think about myself And it's driving me nuts I always knew it would one day Chorus (repeat) __--==--__ Well kiddies, come back! Next time I promise I'll write something that is my own. Once I get the censors off my back! Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Have you ever been so lost that you don't know who to turn to, what to say, or where you're going? Have you ever had so many people who cared about you, but still felt all alone? Have you ever just felt like the world was crumbling around you, and there was nothing you could do?
My world's gone numb again. I'm finding it harder and harder to breath, and I have no clue who to turn to. My usual pillars of support are looking to me for support right now, and I have just alienated one of them, due to my own inability to act like a civil human being, instead of this cold-hearted manipulative bitch I have become used to acting like. So who should I turn to? I need to talk to someone, more importantly, someone who knows me well enought to give me the advice I need, yet all the people meeting that description are out of business for the moment. Recently, my whole world has crumbled around me. I've lost friends, I'm quitting choir (which happens to be one of the few things actually keeping me sane), and I'm questioning the decisions I've made in my life up until this point - namly the ones concerning what I want to do with my life. See, up until recently I wanted to be a marine biologist, but now I'm considering teaching biology. And at the same time, I'm realizing that science really isn't my thing, so shouldn't I be doing something I enjoy more than poking around in dead sharks for the rest of my life? GRRARG! And the choir thing is bumming me majorly, and to make it worse, I'm not even sure WHY I'm quitting, just that I am. So far my excuse is that I don't have the time, and that I don't want to be in a temp in the middle of January, but I'm not sure that's the real reason. Choir's always been very important to me - I've been in choirs forever, and I've always loved it. Yet all of a sudden I'm quitting. I just bloody love my life. Can I trade you? So anyways. Also complicating matters is the fact that a good friend that I lost a year ago is now talking to me again (apparently). We've made up (to some extent) and now he wants to get right back on track with our friendship. The problem is that I've always had a thing with letting this guy push me around, manipulate me, and generally make my life hell. I'd consider him my bad habit. And yet I'm still considering trying to make a friendship work with him again. Am I that much of a bloody fool? (Insert answer: yes) GRRAARG! Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So as of this week, I became somewhat happy. Things were going well. A good friend asked me out. Someone who knows me well enough to know that any relationship I have won't last, simply because I love someone else. He is a good enough friend to realize that another guy is number one in my life, and still asked me out. He's a good enough friend to just be content knowing we can go out and have fun, without there being any deeper meaning to our relationship. He really is a good friend.
But in order to go out with him, I hurt another friend of mine. Someone who has been trying for the past few months to go out with me. So that sucks. Fae is finally happy, and then the sky crashes down in all it's glory to make me miserable again. It was all my new boyfriend could do just to cheer me up again. And then it gets worse. A friend of mine who's like a sister to me is going through hell at home, because her parents are fighting w/ each other, and taking it out on her. I just want to cheer her up, because when she's sad, it makes me really sad. Especially when I know there's nothing I can do about it. The gods are mocking me. Fae gets happy news and then crappy news. Lots of crappy news. If it weren't for the fact that I got a free tee-shirt for helping the choir teacher pack up the room to move it, I would have been very depressed all night. Then of course, I'm quitting choir... so that makes me all sad again... of course... the choir IS moving from a large room into a tiny temp because of the construction.... The gods really ARE mocking me!!! Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| How numb can a person get? How far into ones self can a person draw, and still remain a person? How do you get rid of the numbness? And once you do, how do you live with the pain?
The numbness has come upon me again. It's different this time... I'm not sure how or why, but it's different. Maybe it's because I've realized that no matter how painful things are, there is always a better future. The numbness has come upon me again. I know why it's there. I know that I've been going through too much for my brain to handle. I'm on auto pilot. I don't know how do get off auto pilot though. Eventually I will. There's that accursed word again. "Eventually". Have you ever noticed how long it takes to reach "eventually"? Forever. Eventually things will be different, I know they will, they have to be. Eventually the pain will go away. When the numbness leaves, then what? I get to deal with the pain. There's alot of pain, alot of heartbreak. So much pain... How do we survive? Everyone goes through this at some point, or so I've heard, how do we get through it all? Are we meant to live in pain? Isolated? I think we are so destined. What is the purpose of the pain then? To teach us love and compassion? No. To teach us to survive. Survival is all that matters in this world. Not happiness, not love. So then why love? A brief respite from the pain? But in the end it causes more pain. Then why? Why do we love? To convince ourselves that there is something more than pain? To convince ourselves we can get rid of the pain? I hate the numbness. Yet I embrace it. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Yes, I know it's the title of a book.
Yes, I know the book was long and boring (I just finished reading it) Yes, this does have a point. Nine months ago a friend of mine made a fatal mistake. He was driving down a road 30-35 mph above the speedlimit. Reckless you would call it. He caused a chain reaction resulting in the death of another man. Vehicular Homicide you would call it. I'm here to present a different opinion. Three days ago, his trial started. The jury heard witnesses speaking of the "carnage" of the accident. They also saw my friend on the stand crying. Picture a 6'5' football player crying. This is a guy that I have never seen cry before in my life. He's tough, he doesn't show his emotions. And he was crying. He was saying how he wished it had been him. Recently, due to the attacks on Washington and the WTC, here in the USA we have been the victims. While I am not condoning the actions of the Terrorists, I feel that there are certain things we must take into consideration before we jump to conclusions. In every courtroom there are two sides. The victim, and the defendant. Take a look at the courtroom from my friends side. Here is an intelligent, friendly guy who made a mistake. Here is my friend. Here is someone I have talked to day after day at school. Granted, I am not his best friend, I probably wouldn't even call myself a close friend. But I do my best to be a good friend. Here is someone who's life has just hit a major, MAJOR obstacle due to a stupid mistake. Look at that. You may be saying "but he killed a man". Yes, I'll agree to that. But all I ask of anyone who reads this is: Before you jump down the throat of someone who has committed a crime, look at what it is doing to them. Not all of them are monsters, not all of them deserve to rot in jail until time ends. The victim is important, but so is the defendent - Sometimes mistakes are just that - mistakes. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| This time last year I was busy destroying a good friendship. It's amazing how much one year can change a person. Last year, I wouldn't have had the nerve to write this. This year, I can't believe it's taken me this long. Last year, I would be crying because of what's going on in my life. This year, I just stumble through and occasionally smile. Last year.... well... last year was tough for me. This year... is just a culmanation of the past year.
Last year I was very into this guy who lives across the street from me. His name is... well... we'll call him "Kebeth". He was, and still is, incredibly good looking. And to top that off - he and I were good friends. At that point in my life, he was one of two people that really understood me, and the only male. Well, through various channels I realized that he liked me too, and we tried to take our very good friendship to boyfriend/girlfriend status. Needless to say - it failed horribly. There are lots of reasons why, but the main one was that part of me knew a relationship with him would ruin everything. The fact that I was terrified of commitment to anyone was another. Oh, you'll tell me that we're just teens and that just because we are going out doesn't mean we are going to get married. Well, I'm not talking that kind of commitment. I'm talking the kind where the person you are with gets to know you better - I'm terrified of people seeing the real me. Well, this time last year, Kebeth was the most important person in my life. Over the course of the last year he and I have stopped talking, and I met wolflord. Elyas was, and is, the most important person in my life up until this point. Though right now I'm not dating him for personal reasons, I am still convinced that he is my soulmate. Losing Kebeth last year really depressed me. But this year, though losing Elyas should hurt more, it actually doesn't. Because I know with Elyas that I havn't really lost him.... It's amazing though, how much difference a year can make in a persons life. Last year I wouldn't have been able to face the comittment that I had with Elyas. This year... I miss it. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| "Have you ever realized just how much of life is pain?
Have you ever just wanted to do it all over again? Does everything you do just seem like it's not enough? Do you ever think that life is just too tough?" - From the poem "Breaking Hearts" not in this portfolio. Have you ever noticed that just as you may be able to finally forget your pain something reaches out and reminds you? It can be anything - an old haunt, a picture, a memory triggered by an expression, anything. And once you remember, it makes it that much harder to forget. But at the same time, just as you can be reminded of the pain, you can be reminded of hope. At a time when you feel incredibly alone in the world, something will remind you that you're not. For me it was a simple piece of paper. This last week i have been going through both the rememberance of old pain, and experiencing new. I was feeling quite alone by the end of the week. Then, during choir, I was reminded that I'm not alone. I was sitting on top of the filing cabinets that we keep all of our old music in (a popular place to sit), looking down at the ground. There, sitting on the floor, was one of the lables form the filing cabinets. This in itself was not odd. During breaks in rehersal, people have a habit of taking those out for some reason. But this one was different. Last year I helped file music with my boyfriend at the time (wolflord). We re-labled all of the cabinets, seeing as how almost all of the labels were gone, and those that remained were inaccurate at best. The lable I saw sitting on the ground was one of the ones Elyas had made. If I hadn't laughed, I would have cried. See - a month and a half ago I broke up with Elyas, whom I still consider my soulmate. When I saw that paper I remembered some of his parting words to me - That he'd always be by my side. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone. I realized two things this week - there is an immesurable amount of pain in thie world. Everywhere you look there is pain. It can be forgotten for a time, but almost anything can bring it back. For me it was going to a school dance, it was talking with friends, and it was reading old notes. But there is also an immesurable amount of hope in the world as well. Something as simple as a piece of paper can remind us that we are not alone in the universe. It's just a matter of how you choose to view that paper - as another painful memory, or as a reminder that you aren't ever truly alone (except when you go to the bathroom of course - it'd just be weird otherwise). If I hadn't laughed, I would have cried. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| *looks at sky, wagging finger at the cloud, saying, "you're mocking me"*
I have long held to the theory that the gods/fates are mocking me. That the only reason I am on this planet is for their amusement. Tonight proved this theory to me all the more firmly. It's homecoming, it's supposed to be happy! Not only did our football team LOSE 10-7, the dance was hell. Well, actually, the theme of the dance was "heaven on earth" could the dance commitee (AKA our student senate) get it any more wrong? What started this "hell" you might ask? It was simple. I was told by someone that a good friend of mine had shown up to the dance high. Seeing as how I didn't believe this good friend of mine had ever touched drugs, in any way shape or form, I couldn't believe it at first. But then my mind started to remember. Another good friend of mine, lets call him Bob, nearly OD'd about a year ago. Bob started out as someone who wouldn't even take asprin for a headache - he didn't want to pollute his system. Then, all of a sudden, some slut from out of state convinced Bob that he was in love with her. When this out of state slut told him about her OTHER boyfriend in her home state, he was crushed. Within 3 months he had gone from not taking asprin to nearly ODing on heroin. I couldn't risk it that this new good friend of mine might be heading down the same path (which I have actually seen repeated over and over by other friends, not just "Bob") So I confronted him. And he fliped out. I couldn't believe what he said next, that I had trusted some guy I barely knew over him. When I tried to explain the situation from my point of view - that I couldn't risk that it might be true - he walked away. So, what started out as a fun night, quickly decayed into hell. The gods are mocking me - I swear they do this just to see me suffer. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| What is love?
This is the question that I have been asking myself for the past month or so. What is love? What does love mean to me? Is it real? Can it last? Are we all just fooling ourselves into believing that there is something to it than just simple lust? These are the questions I have been pondering, and as of yet, I am still pondering. But this is what I have come to so far. Most of these revelations are new, reached within the last few hours of my life as I know it. I do not know if this is true for everyone, but this is what I believe. Love is, in a nutshell, all that is important to life. Without it, there is no point, no meaning. Without love in our lives, we have no purpose, no drive. Whether it be the love of a friend, the love of family, or the love of your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/etc. it is all that matters. Everyone must have love in thier lives. For me, love is unique. It is that feeling when you suddenly feel like the world is RIGHT just because you are around someone you love. When you are out with your friends, having a good time, laughing, that is love. When you are lying in the arms of your lover and the world just suddenly comes into focus... When you catch the eye of that special someone from accross a room and just feel at peace. That is love. But it is more than that. It is knowing that you would do anything to keep your loved one from harm, from pain, and from anything that makes them feel bad. It is crying with them, for them, just because they are crying. It's knowing that you are the only person who can make them feel better, no matter how depressed they are, or how upset they are. Love is safety. It's knowing that you can talk to someone, tell them your deepest secrets, and knowing that they won't hate you for them, or pity you, or make fun of you. Love is kindness, love is compassion. Love is just love. Is it real? This is one of the tougher questions. Science tells us that love is just a series of chemical reactions in our brain. I'm a person who very much understands science, and at some point in my life, I want to be a scientist. So what do I believe? Do I believe the facts that are presented to me? Or do I follow my heart, and believe that those feelings I had were real? I believe love is real. I have felt it. I have also felt the pain when I've pushed it away. I've done alot of that. I don't think I really believed in love until tonight. But somehow, I always did at the same time. It was always there. I just had to open my eyes and see it. The tough question is this - Can it last? Goddess, oh how I wish I could believe that love will always last, that it will always survive. But I can't. I have pushed away every person that I've loved. Anyone who has ever gotten close to me, I cut them off from me, I put up walls, and only let them get the occasional glimpse of the real me. Yet, I still find myself praying that it will last. Why? It has to. If I didn't believe that love can survive anything, I wouldn't be here anymore. I don't think I could have survived the past few months without that belief. Love has to last. Without it, I'm dead. *** It's an interesting topic - I plan on writing more about it on a later date. I continue to ponder this question. It is one of great importance to me in my life right now. And on that note, I would also like to thank the three people who continue to push me into finding the answers to these questions. They know who they are. Without them, I would probably be either crazy or dead right now. Without their fine skills of keeping me sane... Who knows where this fae would be right now... I love them... Though some of them do not know it. The love is there. To the love of a friend, the love of a friend who has become a sibling, and the love of my life. Thank you. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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