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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by FivetricksterTreats

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👀intu the Darkness

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Waltz in the Lonesome October

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pumpkin

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

Feb 19, 2023 at 10:26am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I've had decent participation with Journalistic Intentions (even though I know my prompts are sometimes considered "difficult"). I do think that there's been a bit of a shift in regards to contests and activities, where people have been more open to admitting they find some setups too restricting or that they feel intimidated by contests. I would love to be in discussions to address those issues, but so far I haven't been invited.

November 14, 2019 at 12:46am

#969601

Yes, no, maybe

Artist: Silverchair
Song: Straight Lines
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Think back to a moment in your life when you were faced with making a difficult choice. (Which city to move to, which college to attend, what to ask Santa for, etc) How might your life be different if you had made a different choice than the one you did?

I would say the choice to go to university at all qualifies for this prompt.

Me getting a degree was improbable. I left high school during sophomore year, so I didn’t even finish that. I hadn’t been to school in any capacity for around 7 years before I decided to go to college. I didn’t know the first thing about going to college because I didn’t even see my friends do it. Because I left school early, I was long gone before they graduated high school and moved on to that stage of life. I had to start from scratch figuring out how to pick a school, what degree to go for, how to get student loans, how to study for college-level courses, etc.

Despite whatever has happened in between, I think going to school has been an overall good thing for my character. It has taught me to be structured and self-sufficient, even when it feels impossible. Even when I swear that I can’t look at one more spreadsheet or attend one more lecture, the money and time I have wrapped up in it pushes me forward. I started with intrinsic motivation, which is obviously better, but I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s long gone at this point.

I’m crossing the finish line out of pure spite.

There have been so many times when I felt like a professor was intentionally making life difficult. So many times where I’ve carried literally the entire weight of a group project (I’ve been doing it all semester, actually). So many times where outside influences, like health issues, have made it feel impossible. It was actually at the beginning of this year, with only 2 semesters left, that my brain started going, Nope, fuck this, I’m finishing.

There’s no way I’m going to allow people who have been carried through multiple classes get their degree and not me. Seriously, this group projects are W I L D. I’m in the final senior project class now. The project is worth well over ¾ of the entire class grade. I am the only person in my group who has actually put effort into the project since August. They’re going to graduate next month without actually even touching their senior project, and dammit, I’m going to graduate too.

Here are all the things I’ve become as a result of school that I don’t think I’d be I’d chosen not to go:

Tenacious. University just does this to people. You’re going to have thousands of opportunities to give up. It’s the repeated refusal to give up that matters. Before university, I feel like I gave up on things a lot easier. I mean, I gave up on high school even, so I don’t have the best track record of not giving up on formal education.

Competent. Even before school, I was always pretty self-aware, but school has taught me to do things competently. To actually use my brain to answer questions that matter: What is being asked of me? What tools and resources do I have to solve this problem? How best can I provide the results of my work? How can I measure whether or not I was successful?

So, there you have it. Don’t say I never wrote about anything positive.

And now I’m going to ruin that…

I do think, in the long-run, that choosing to go to school is the right thing. I’m getting a good degree that’s allegedly highly demanded. In theory, it should open up a lot of opportunities for me and allow me to have some level of stability and security. But in the short-term, ohhhh my god.

I can’t even begin to tell you how depressed and unstable a large portion of university students are. This spring, I watched my friend sit next to me in an economics class and GOOGLE PAINLESS WAYS TO COMMIT SUICIDE. Right in the middle of a lecture. Like, that’s the level of distress being put on students who go to ‘good’ universities. The combination of exam stress, project stress, work, and piling student debt is absurd.

We literally send each other college-related stress memes with no commentary and then reply with crying gifs. That’s what our communication has been reduced to. During midterms week and finals week, you can physically see the life just drained out of people. I’ve sat with friends in the library before an exam where they’re just saying, “I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t…” over and over.

In the short-term, I cannot stress to you enough how much happier I was before going to college.

Right now, so much is up in the air and I wonder every single day if it’s actually worth it. Am I actually going to find a job that pays enough to afford my student loan payments on top of all of my other bills? Is my mental state irrevocably damaged from the prolonged stress of university on top of pre-existing mental health conditions? Is having a Monday-Friday day job going to somehow be even worse? (If so, I will kill myself, just saying.) Am I too burnt out to even withstand starting a career and all the things that go along with it?

Yeah, I’d say that’s the summary. I’m hopeful that in the long-run, I’ve made a good decision. But in the short-term, it’s put me in a potentially precarious position, which could make it a bad decision.

Lately I'm a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

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