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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by FivetricksterTreats

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👀intu the Darkness

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Waltz in the Lonesome October

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pumpkin

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

Feb 19, 2023 at 10:26am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I've had decent participation with Journalistic Intentions (even though I know my prompts are sometimes considered "difficult"). I do think that there's been a bit of a shift in regards to contests and activities, where people have been more open to admitting they find some setups too restricting or that they feel intimidated by contests. I would love to be in discussions to address those issues, but so far I haven't been invited.

November 9, 2019 at 12:14pm

#969323

What do you expect of me?

Artist: Korn
Song: Dead Bodies Everywhere
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write a stream of conscious entry starting with the words “I wish...”

This prompt is just begging for a rant.

I wish...

I wish there was a cure for mental illness. I wish people who didn't have moderate-severe mental illnesses could experience 48 hours in the brain of someone who does. It's something entirely inexplicable. Having your life completely dictated and controlled by an unseen force that you can't escape diminishes your quality of life so much. It makes the people around you miserable. Not only does it ruin your life, but it also ruins other people's lives. You start to wonder if people would be better off without you in the long run. What do you add to anything? Finicky energy? Emotional outbursts? Nervous breakdowns? Hospital bills? Psych bills? Medication costs? Mental illness is a wrecking ball that loves nothing more than a quiet evening to utterly destroy. How long can someone live with that? How long can other people surround themselves with someone who lives with that?

I wish there was someone or something that could help, but I've totally given up on that concept. No one and nothing can help someone who has a mental illness that interferes with their daily life. I've been on more medications that I can count. So many adjustment periods, so many symptoms, so much withdrawal. I have to take xanax constantly just to be calm enough to half function on a daily basis. I've seen so many psychs and therapists. Rehashed the same shit so many times in dimly lit rooms with overstuffed couches and 2-inch blinds.

I've read countless self-help books, done countless workbooks. I've done cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, exposure and response prevention therapy, anger management, rehab, group therapy, inpatient therapy, partial inpatient programs, art therapy... I've tried meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, yoga, exercise, dietary changes, lifestyle changes.

There's nothing anyone can tell me that I've not already heard. There's nothing anyone can do that someone hasn't already tried with me. At that point, what's left? Just continue living in misery until I've successfully pushed everyone away? Confront the people from my past who I blame for a large portion of my issues? Hold people accountable who don't even care in the first place? Or sever ties completely and become that much closer to totally alone?

I wish I could take the people who made me this way and force them to see what their actions have done to me Clockwork Orange style, if necessary. It's not fair that people can do whatever they want with you and then just skip off into the sunset. It's not fair that they get to go on living unscathed lives while I'm stuck in a cavernous rut for infinity. It's not fair that the people who do give a fuck about me have to witness me losing my fucking mind knowing that there isn't anything they can do ease the anguish.

I wish people could see that I understand their frustration with me. I'm frustrated too. It's not like I'm having fun. It's not like I'm doing this shit intentionally because it entertains me. I don't want to ruin the evening with a meltdown because I'm bored. I wish people would stop telling me that things are going to get better. People have been telling me that since I was 11 years old. It's going to get better. It will be better after ____. You'll see how much better it will be at some unknown time in the future that never comes. I wish I knew what they could say or do that would be better. I know they want to help, but there's just nothing they can do. That's the injustice of it.

I wish people could see that saying "get help" is like taunting me at this point. I've gotten help. Multiple times. There is no help for people like me.

You really want me to be a good son.
Why'd you make me feel like no one?

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