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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by FivetricksterTreats

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👀intu the Darkness

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Waltz in the Lonesome October

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pumpkin

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

Feb 19, 2023 at 10:26am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I've had decent participation with Journalistic Intentions (even though I know my prompts are sometimes considered "difficult"). I do think that there's been a bit of a shift in regards to contests and activities, where people have been more open to admitting they find some setups too restricting or that they feel intimidated by contests. I would love to be in discussions to address those issues, but so far I haven't been invited.

December 6, 2020 at 12:25am

#999732

No, it’s not okay.

"JAFBG" prompt: Do you think the holiday cheer is genuine or do you think most people are just acting fake around this time of year?

"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Marooned Without a Compass Day! So where are you and what are you going to do?

Excuse me, hi, yes, how the fuck are you guys even functioning?

I know people who are in the full swing of holiday cheer. Literally how. On any given year, I figure it’s half fake cheer and half real cheer because of all the paid holidays and vacation time getting used up at the end of the year. Makes sense. But this year?

I’m gonna need more than a fucking compass because I’m beyond lost. I’ll cop to the fact that I have mental health issues, but what we’re dealing with right now isn’t conducive for anything positive. I know so.many.sick.people. My coworkers, my friends, family members. And before it was like, “Well, we threw a super spreader event, whoopsie!” Now they’re like, “I don’t get it. The only place I’ve been is the grocery store and the vet clinic!”

How are people even coping with this? I feel like I’m being gaslighted. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, it sucks, but you gotta stay positive!” Stay positive how exactly? To me, that’s what you say when you get lost on a road trip in the middle of the night and then you get a flat tire. Like, yeah, that really sucks, but everyone’s okay and your road trip won’t be ruined as long as you chill and stay positive.

This isn’t one of those situations, in my opinion. “Just make sugar cookies and decorate!” And I get it. People are holding onto things that feel normal. It makes sense. But it also makes me feel like I’m going totally insane. Like, serious uncanny valley vibes when people are like, “Did you hang a wreath up yet?

”

Like, I don’t get how your hospitals running out of capacity and ~3000 people dying a day (all before we even see the effects of Thanksgiving travel) is a “stay positive” situation. Yes, we have a vaccine in the pipeline, and that’s awesome, but we’re still going to have to get through this winter and it’s fucking bleak.

My mental health is hanging together by wisps of smoke.

I get that there’s nothing we can do about it aside from wearing masks and social distancing, but I have such a difficult time with throwing my hands up and saying, “Oh well, a bunch of people are dying, but they’re mostly old or have underlying conditions anyway.” Or even just, “It’s out of my control so whatever, it is what it is.” It’s just not my personality type. I don’t haven’t stomach or the heart for it.

Let’s just go through the past two days so we can examine how precariously threaded together I am right now.

So starting with 7am Friday morning... I was drinking some orange juice before work and Kira shows me this picture

of iPad stations being set up in a hospital for virtual end of life video calls between dying patients and their loved ones. And I instantly burst into tears. She was like, "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know you would get that upset!"

But it’s so fucking sad?!?!! I just immediately pictured all the family members having to watch their loved one die through a small screen like that. Not even just patients with covid, but all the other patients too who are dying of other things and have to die alone. I don’t want anyone to have to go out like that. It’s just grim and incredibly depressing.

So I pulled myself together and worked for 11 hours. It was another very stressful day because we have so much to do and our team is so lean to begin with that when you start throwing in widespread illness, it becomes quickly impossible to get things done. At 3 o’clock, I got a “business continuity” meeting thrown on my schedule for 5pm (on a Friday, which is unheard of). The meeting basically consisted of higher ups telling us that we still need to get everything done even though we’re short staffed, but they didn’t really provide the how part of that.

By the time I quit for the day, every muscle in my body was aching from the constant tension I was holding. That tension and anxiety quickly built into a full-blown panic attack. I was just saying, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t” over and over. Kira and Lauren were trying to calm me down. Kira told me to just lay down, so I was just lying on the ground kind of writhing with totally unfiltered panic saying, “I can’t.”

Kira filled the bathtub with hot water and I just got into it with all my clothes on- which, let’s just pause here. If you ever find yourself fully clothed and immersed in a bath/shower, you are not okay.

That’s like the biggest red flag in mental breakdowns.

But either way, I found my way into bed (in dry clothes too!) and they made me soup so I spent the rest of the night watching shitty movies and sleeping on and off. All good.

Then today I woke up and I was like okay, I’m gonna be ‘positive’ today, which is the epitome of what humans are supposed to be, apparently. I think I was doing a decent job. Until Kira and Lauren were watching some crime show about domestic violence while I was drawing. They started having a conversation about why women stay with abusive men. Lauren was talking about how her mom used to stay at work late all the time because she didn’t want to go home and be around Lauren’s dad because he was an asshole and they’d argue a lot.

I wanted to join the conversation and tell her about one of the times I vividly remember my parents fighting in their bedroom with their door closed when I was like 7 or 8 years old and I heard my mom screaming so I ran into their bedroom. My dad was on top of her and had her pinned down and she was screaming my name for me to help her so I started pulling on the back of his shirt, which was entirely futile.

And I can type that now perfectly fine. It doesn’t upset me or make me sad at all. I feel nothing about it. But when I tried to relay this story to her, I got this far into it: “Yeah, I know it’s rough when your parents fight all the time. I remember one time my parents were fighting in their bedroom with the door closed and my mom started screaming for-“ aaaaand I burst into tears. Again. And again, not like just teared up, but started sobbing.

Kira was instantly like, “Okay, no more of that conversation. We don’t need to talk about this.” She started apologizing for upsetting me and said they’d turn the show off. I got myself under control super quickly. Like within 30 seconds. But it was so frustrating because I was trying to tell her that I wasn’t upset. And she was like, “You’re clearly visibly upset.”

But I wasn’t though. Like I don’t know what happened. I thought I could verbalize it as easily as I can write it down. I didn’t realize I was going to get emotional or I wouldn’t have said anything. But I don’t want every conversation to end when I get emotional. We were talking about a triggering subject and maybe we shouldn’t have been doing that, but for me a conversation isn’t over when I get emotional. That’s just kind of standard for me.

I felt like such a fucking tool because they both felt guilty that I got upset, even though I really wasn’t upset. I just want to be like a normal person who can have a conversation about slightly difficult topics without crying. It’s so awkward and it’s fucking weird to get emotional that easily, especially as a guy. I felt like such an idiot, I just went to the bedroom and spent some time listening to music and reading.

People walk on eggshells around me like every single conversation or storyline in a TV show could set me off out of the middle of nowhere. I don’t want it to be like that. I want people to be comfortable having vulnerable, real conversations with me.

So, I dunno. How’s that for being lost with no holiday cheer?

Sometimes the slightest thing will split my head in half
A crooked picture frame, or the volume of a laugh
I can’t deny, it’s disheartening
~TA

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