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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Stik to My Own Beat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👼intuey

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

December 7, 2020 at 12:02am

#999786

Addiction, Holidays, and The Catcher in the Rye

"JAFBG" prompt: How is covid changing your holiday plans and how do you feel about that?

"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Write a letter to one of your favorite characters. Which book and who's the author?

I’m feeling a little bit better today. I’m cautiously optimistic.

Which is a dangerous thing, by the way. Having any kind of hope can be a really bad thing when you're, um, me. But either way, covid holiday plans... So, typically I travel a couple hours to my family's state. I usually shop online for gifts for the kids. I like to get them cool, unique things that you can't pick up at a big box store. Then we drive out and spend a day at my oldest brother's house or at my parents' house.

In case it isn't obvious from my previous entries, I'm tense around my family. My dad and I haven't spoken since March, so that's like, 9 months now? I've not talked to my oldest brother in almost a year. We'd probably honestly never talk if it weren't for holiday and birthday celebrations. I go to those for my nieces and nephew who only know that Uncle Charlie is cool and brings expensive gifts.

That being said, I still care about my family. My family still cares about me. There's just so much pain in our history that I simply can't move forward from. When I hug my dad, I just feel this aching, gaping hole inside of me. Sometimes when I leave, my dad and I hug and we both start crying because I don't want to let go and he doesn't want to let go either. But we can't have a relationship because there's too much hurt.

I know I've said it before in my blog, but I usually cry the entire way home from seeing my family. Like, that's normal for me and Kira is used to it.

But that won't be happening this year because my family isn't celebrating the holidays together due to the virus. I'm sure Kira is relieved. Part of me is also relieved. It's a triggering situation for me, although I do miss the kids.

I talked to my oldest friend today though. We've been best friends since I was like 17, and I've written about him here many times. Also he has a WDC account that he won't tell me the name of so I know he reads my blog once in a blue moon. So, hey, Jordan, on the off chance you read this.

Ha, now I just made myself uncomfortable about writing with the idea that someone I know could potentially read it. Um, okay, so yeah. He got out of rehab a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how many times he's been now, but it's definitely a lot more than me. But I'm super proud of him because he has been clean now since the beginning of October. It's a really long time for him, and really anyone who has an addiction.

When we met, we were both full-blown addicts and our friendship kind of was built around that. We kept dragging each other back down into it. I remember a time where he was in rehab for quite a while and came out clean and just looked and seemed so much healthier. But I was still in the throes of it and I was like I can't believe this asshole is leaving me alone in addiction like this. So he started using again with me at that point.

Then when my university classes started getting difficult, I was like okay, I'm going to have to give one of them up- either my addiction or my education. And with that ultimatum in front of me, I was finally able to get clean. I love Jordan, but he took this as a personal affront to him. Similar to how I'd behaved years earlier. Perhaps because of how I'd behaved years earlier.

Either way, our friendship since then has been kind of rocky. Like he’ll call me a sellout and then I’ll relapse. My last relapse was in June when Jordan was staying with me during the BLM protests. Kira and Logan (especially Logan) put a stop to that very quickly.

The reason I mention this is that I talked to Jordan today and he mentioned to me that he has just been sitting around since he got back home. Even though he has basically been quarantined since then, his family isn’t doing anything for the holidays either. He spent thanksgiving by himself at home. So I had the thought that because he’s quarantined and I’ve also been pretty much quarantined for weeks, we could spend my holiday work break together.

I have a vacation from my birthday (17th of this month) through the 5th of January, minus a couple days I need to work near the end of December. As long as we both stay quarantined until the 17th, there’s really no reason he can’t come stay with me. So I invited him to do that and he was really excited. No one wants to spend the holidays totally alone.

The only issue is that I didn’t pass this by Kira first and I’m not really sure how she’s going to handle that. She might be okay with it, or she might tell me it’s a bad idea. It could really go either way. She knows he’s super important to me, but because our history is so rocky, I’m just not sure. I’m kind of worried that she’s going to tell me to pass it by Logan first knowing that Logan is going to say no immediately. At the end of the day, it’s kind of my apartment so I feel like if I want a guest I should be able to do that. But also, they’re my support system so I try not to alienate them.

Hopefully it goes fine because spending the holiday with him would make me feel better.

As far as a letter to my favorite book character, well, my favorite book character is problem Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye. A lot of people find him to be annoying, but he’s my spirit animal. I read that book at just the right moment in my teenage angst. Honestly, I think it’s the popular reaction at this point to write the character off as melodramatic and whiny.

But let’s look at the character for a minute. Spoiler alert, I guess, in case you haven’t read this book from 1951 and you’re planning to.

So, first of all. We have a 16-year-old kid. People who call this character immature make me laugh because... yes, he’s a child, so...? So we have a kid who has depression and post traumatic stress disorder from the death of his brother. The book’s author also had PTSD and understood the disorder well. And this kid is dealing with PTSD by being cynically detached from everything around him because he’s terrified of loving and losing again. He spends the entire book attempting to hold onto and protect an idea of innocence, especially the innocence of his little sister and women in general. He’s wildly switching between an adolescent and adult mind frame, as you do at that age, and he’s looking for the innocence in others that he doesn’t see in adults and that he has lost himself. Plus, he’s in a mental institution the whole time. So like, can people give this kid a break?

There’s a ton of things left unsaid in this book, and that’s blatantly stated at the end. I can’t write a letter to Holden Caulfield because Holden Caulfield is J.D. Salinger.

So, to Salinger:

I see you taking your personal trauma and building into a coming-of-age story. I see the fight to remain innocent and protect innocence for as long as you can. I understand that there is no individual person who can save everyone, even when we want to protect others from going through difficult times. I see the alienation you felt and tried to build into this character. And I’m sorry that people expect a 16 year old who’s in a mental hospital dealing with trauma to be more emotionally developed.

I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say 'Holden Caulfield' on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say 'Fuck you.' I'm positive, in fact.
~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

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