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Sat, Jul 12, 2025

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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Stik to My Own Beat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👼intuey

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

May 6, 2020 at 7:45am

#982886

The Many Journals of Charlie

Artist: Fever Ray
Song: Keep The Streets Empty For Me
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about an object you own that has negligible monetary value, but is priceless to you.

Good question, Em. I'm looking forward to seeing what people say for this one. I know the answer for me is pretty easy— my journals.

I mean, how much is a composition notebook? 50 cents? A dollar? But these journals are my lifeline to my past. Yeah, I blog here, but I go way more in-depth in my journals, of course. There I can use specific names and situations to describe what's going on with me at the time and it's really important for me to have that connection to my history.

The sad thing is, I moved so much that I lost almost all of my childhood journals. I had been keeping them since age 7. Sometimes I think of these lost journals and I physically cringe at the thought of them getting randomly found and read by a stranger. There was so much intimate detail in them. All of my childhood fears, worries, anxieties, and insecurities were laid bare in those pages. Now, if I'm lucky, they're just decomposing in a landfill somewhere. Maybe they got burned? That would actually be preferable.

I'll tell you all a little bit about the journals I possess still. There are more than these ones, but they're the first that come to mind and kind of highlight my life a bit.

Age 11-12 Childhood Journal
I do have a journal still with me from this time period. This one I'm so lucky to still have because while writing in my journal one night, I started self injuring, which is something I've done since I was eleven. So this cutting thing was new to me at the time. Anyway, I went to deep on it and ended up bleeding on my journal. So this one quite literally has my blood, sweat, and tears in it.

After moving and realizing I'd lost a lot of journals along the way, I was so happy to find this one because the thought of someone else finding it and seeing my blood in it along with this discovery and love for self injuring that I developed around that time was deeply humiliating to me.

Age 16 Dropout Journal
I also have a journal that I was keeping when I dropped out of high school at sixteen. I would write in my journal during class, so I have an entry for pretty much every weekday of my sophomore year until I left and then the journal ends quite abruptly there. The most notable thing about this journal is that it's just a 5-subject notebook that I was meant to be using for school notes. So you can actually see my progression between writing normal geometry notes and then writing my personal journal.

The one word I would use to sum up this journal is angry.

I was very angry with the world at this time. Angry with my parents, angry with my situation, angry with things that had happened to me.

Also, I was somehow super arrogant in this journal. I was like the sassiest 16 year old on earth. I knew at the time that I was going to get kicked out and I was going to leave school, but my entries are like, "I'm still going to go to college at 18. I still matter and I don't need anyone to validate that. I'm awesome and I'm gonna prove it and then the world can suck my dick."

Paraphrasing there, but that's the level of naïveté I entered the world with. I read it now and I'm like, okay, little charlie, give it a decade.

Age 17-22 What Is Happening Journal
This is where my entries become very sporadic. I'd say over 75% of the entries are me complaining about basic things like, "Really hungry today. I feel like my ribs are caving in. Like there's nothing inside." Followed up by an entry two weeks later about how I got rent money. Then a month later an entry about withdrawal and being sick. Then nothing for 3 months only to add another entry about being hungry.

Just... not a great time. I don't read these journals much. I have a main one that spans this time, but I also have several others where I've misplaced the main journal. So nothing is linear or organized in that five year period really.

Age 23-27 College Journal
I wasn't great at chronicling my college years, which is a shame because I worked through a lot of stuff during that time and I would like to see my progression. I was probably too busy doing homework though, so I'll give myself a pass. I do have a journal for that time period. A lot of the entries discuss my anxieties and apprehensions around upcoming exams, what I'll do after school, etc.

But this is also the first journal where I really acknowledge my mental health issues. Sure, I'd write about a lot of things when I was younger, but I hadn't yet identified those as mental health issues, let alone naming and freely discussing them. Those younger journals are more just describing the feelings whereas this journal delves into the science and what's actually happening in my brain due to these specific disorders.

Age 28 Pandemic Journal
Yep, you read that right! You best believe I've been writing about this pandemic in my journal since January. It was intended to be a "Post-Grad/First Job Of My Career" journal. I mentioned the coronavirus back in January, just in passing a couple times. Mostly I was writing about my new job role, adjusting to post-college, adjusting to a 9-5, missing my school friends. Ya know, normal shit.

That sure as hell changed quickly. All of my entries since the end of February now start with case/death numbers. It's startling to see how quick that went from like "2" to "2000". Anyway, I figure it's a pretty big event in my life so I might as well capture as much of it as I can and how I reacted/felt along the way.

So, yeah, that's a little trip down memory lane with my journals. Pen and paper costs almost nothing, but those memories are invaluable to me. I struggle to remember things from the past. I have entire years from my childhood that are just blank. I don't want to lose any more of myself, and these journals are my active attempt to prevent that from happening.

Memory comes when memory's old
I am never the first to know

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