%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 23:27 It's been quite an eventful day. I took my young cousin to meet my family and things were good, until a certain member of the family had to ruin it all for me. I take criticisms very badly, whether they're directed at me or my loved ones and even from one loved one to another. I guess by now I should just learn to tune it out but this person has always made me feel small so I'm hyper aware of the things they do and say. But recently, instead of looking at this person from the perspective of a feared and respected adult, I see them as someone who is stubborn and almost childish in the way they deal with conflict and betrayal. But that doesn't change the fact that I am far too reserved to come out and say what I think. My niece and nephew came over to mine earlier this evening so my cousin had a good time catching up with them. Three rowdy kids in the house - even after my little one, the youngest and rowdiest of them all, had gone to bed! But they're not little so I didn't really have to "look after" them, even though that was what my sister usually sends her kids here for. They did their own thing - talked about anime (I'm a good role model for the younger generation XD), played video games, and made a batch of cookies and then pretty much ate all of them alone, with one to spare for my sister when she came to collect her two. We're off to Blackpool Pleasure Beach tomorrow. The weather is going to be horrendous, by the looks of it, but what to do? I've already paid for the coach seats and everything! We'll just have to stick it out. Besides, a day out is a day to somewhere that is different from the same old view my kid sees every day. I'm going to attempt some writing and then get to bed. Just thinking about bed makes me yawn. 23:42 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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