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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| This day wasn't good. I stayed in bed most of the time. I felt depressed. I felt like some force was holding me from doing what I wanted to do. I hid under the covers. My family of pets were hiding too. I was hated by my stepfather. All day long. I wanted to escape. I can't. I want to find freedom from the pain he give me, physically, without even laying a hand on me. He was so distant as a parent. He never really gave my mom a gift for any anniversary or birthday. He kept saying he has no money to give her gifts, I can't believe this guy ever cared for my mom. I found out yesterday that he had kids with his 'sisters' who he passed off as his sisters. So those cousins of mine are my half siblings, but he's really not my real father, and I'm relieved that is true. I cannot stand this man another day. I want to take off and never come back home, but I want to bring my stuff with me, and my pets. I've a friend from another country who says he can give me a home. I pray that is true. I don't know what the next day will bring. I wish that God would intervene. I don't want anything to do with this bastard. He lies about how he has no more money in the bank. I tried to think how many bills he's paying. He pays the mortgage, the car loan and his cell phone. He said he no longer pays his credit cards. He said he used to use some credit counseling thing who pays the cards for him. But he said he stopped it. So I don't know what the remainder of his pension is used for. Oh there is the energy bill, the water and the gas bills. But that isn't a lot. We had a mild winter so the gas bill didn't go up much I imagine. But he wants me to give him some of my pension to help with things - groceries. He's never able to make ends meet. I've had to pawn a few more jewelry items to help with getting to the next pension check. One time he showed me he has a huge bill with the waste management company. I said I'd help him. But I couldn't either. This guy comes up with different bills he has to pay. There was another time he said he forgot or didn't pay the mortgage and I had to pay it. Then he came back and said the bank said it was stolen from his account. I couldn't stand it. Then he said that his car payments were late and he talked to some guy from Capital One who kept calling to keep him in line. I guess that guy hasn't called anymore. I figure that car is paid for the month. He also said we have no car insurance. That was a shock. We've been going round running errands with a car that has no insurance. This next month in April is when he needs to renew his driver's registration and I am sure they need him to have insurance. I'm thinking that he's bulding up to something. A ruination of my family. His getting out of this life that I have to share with him expenses. I think he's going to split someday soon and I'll be taking care of the house. I need to have some help for this guy is a schemer. I thin k he's lying about everything. He has a tendency to lie about stuff. He also used to keep money from my Mom. I think he took out money to give to his other wives or mistresses. I've a good mind of sending an email to my cousin (his kid) and accuse him of being a shithead and a piece of trash. I can't stand how this parent that adopted me has been such a louse, he really is. I want to get out of this life and find another life. I wish to God that this guy just up and left me. I can cope with the house for a while. I applied for jobs in town. I just need to have a car. If this stepfather of mine toook off and left and said nothing else, I'd be grateful to God. I can pay the mortgage that I could get from an extra income. I don't know why I had such a bad parent like this. Who decides on my life anyway? I can't stand how I am feeling. I need to get me some alcohol or whatever. I bet that's what this bastard wants me to do. To get drunk and take my Rx meds so I'll never wake up from my horrible existence. One day maybe I'll write a story about this bastard. I'll be quite succinct. I wish there was a better day ahead for me. Not just a glimmer of hope from some person. Who can help me? Is God going to keep me in this state? Is there a God even? Why punish me this way? WHy punish my mom who died in a horrible series of deaths and then that bastard just stood by and said NOTHING at all about how he felt for my mom who suffered: gall bladder surgery, heart attack, coded from an accumulation of fluid in her lungs, sepsis, and finally death. Is that my fate as well? Is this guy waiting to see me die so he can get some sort of prize for sticking out with me somehow? Who deals the cards on this guy? Is this guy a real bastard from a long time ago? Is he the longest living bastard who ever came to this earth? The bastard who pays for my house mortgage is 91 years old. I ask you - what would you do if it were your life? |
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