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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! I wish I were sleeping. Soon I'm sure I will be, again. For some reason all weekend I've felt wiped out, drained, destroyed. I'm going to write a lameass blog entry just because I feel like shit but I decided I wouldn't pike out when I should be writing. I mean I technically have an excuse if I wanted to pike out. I mean it's a public holiday so I could use that as an excuse and say I don't have to write tonight. I'm considering doing that about FoT because my head just... HURTS!!! I'm also considering resorting to chemical modifiers. Pain killers. But somehow I don't think that will help. This is the sort of overall soreness that can only be alleviated with sleep, lots and lots of sleep. Preferrably a nights worth that isn't completely disrupted at 11PM, and 1PM, and 3PM... That has been the standard this weekend. Every couple of hours I'm awake, for no reason but that I can't sleep. Sometimes I get online and just sit, staring at the screen wishing I could crawl into it and fall asleep elsewhere. Somewhere warm, and safe, and not so lonely. Then I give up and go back to bed or snuggle up to my baby boy and steal his body heat. For some reason men burn with an inner fire. They make great hot water bottles but the adult versions don't much appreciate my warming cold feet on them. *grins wickedly* I am in a strange mood. Far thinking, short thinking, not thinking. My mind is here and there and nowhere. Nothing makes much sense and I have motivation to sleep and nothing more. I've forced myself through the routine actions of the day. Showered, dressed, checked mail, did some work, got the kids dressed, went and worked out, came home, worked, wandered around aimlessly, tried to do more work, and now blogging. When I'm done I'll sleep, simply because I'm sick of trying to pretend today is normal. This too will pass. Thankfully these moods always do. The crazy mood swings happen and I go through my shitty moods but then I'll be alive again, and full of energy and ready to face the world and all the challenges ahead. Today I got to thinking about time. Time and space. The fact that sometimes time seems to take so long and distance seems to be very far. I have to remind myself what I tell my daughter and myself when we've been on a particularly long walk and are on the way home. "One foot in front of the other." It is the only way to face time and space. One step at a time, focused only on the next step because thinking into the distance creates the ache of knowing how far you have to go. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Eventually you get there. In a way I should think about that with Flight of Torque. One word in front of the other. One scene in front of the other. But tonight I'm not going to force it. I'm going to give myself permission not to. I know I'd feel terrible writing tonight. Like right now. Yes, I'd gain the sense of accomplishment if I finished but I don't need another reason to connect FoT with pain. I won't write tonight and I'll forgive myself for not doing so. Calling in a sick day. Now, this pathetic excuse for a blog is about wrapupable. I'm going to go put myself out of my misery. My kids are at maximum wattage behind me so I'll be glad to send them to bed. Then sleep the sleep of the mindless. Tune the world out and sink into the depths of oblivion. Perhaps I'll wake, one day after the other, and be closer to my future. |
[I thought I'd cheat tonight and just share in general a rant I wrote and have snipped from the "Hideous Reviews I Never Gave"  forum. *grins wickedly* This is a fantastic forum. I recommend everyone go check it out and get a few things off your chest if you need too.  ]Ok Chris, this HAS to be a very dangerous idea you have here and I love it. *grins* Of course I'd say beware the rant mode activation button you've created. I haven't stumbled across anything today that's truly bugging me but I've got plenty of held-tongue-syndrome built up over the years and this forum is looking lonely in it's early beginnings. This seems like the perfect place to let rip so how about I go ahead with a few. SLANG != WRITING (!= is a programming term for 'does not equal' or 'is not' or 'differs') Seriously people! Language is an art form. It's created with the purpose of giving our cultures means with which to communicate. However, it can hardly be effective if you're obliterating the language with various slang and abbreviations. Tiny segments of text for every expression you could ever think of that offer no sense to what is meant is NOT communication. In a community of writers ALL members should show an appreciation for their tools, words being the primary of any writer. The web is such an easy place to get lazy in. We see it in chat rooms and emails all the time. I admit to using the shortcuts in some chat but rarely. LOL, TTYL, BTW, OMG! All of these shortcuts are acceptable when talking directly with friends in conversations that fall to the Messenger Archives or Chat Room Database and is never seen again. But when you're writing an article, or a story, or poetry please, PLEASE leave these in messenger/chat. CAPITALIZE That's right, the beginning of sentences, proper nouns and the pronoun 'I' should ALWAYS be capitalized. Give these words the respect they deserve and give YOURSELF the respect too. Too often I see utter laziness in writing, reviewing, emails, blogs, etc. Where people, I won't call them writers, don't make the effort to correctly capitalize their work. In fact some are so significantly and blatantly not-capitalizing that there are ZERO capital letters in the entire works. Sure, this worked for ee cummings who didn't even capitalize his own NAME but for the rest of us we can't bluff on sheer talent alone. Take advantage of all the things that can give your work leverage, present the best front and use capitalization appropriately. To further that, DO NOT SHOUT!!! Do NOT capitalize every single letter of every line or paragraph. Yes, capitalization can be used for effect but please, sparingly. It's not effective if it's over-dramatized. PROOF READ! At least once! Train your eye to be aware of misspelled words. Capture those errors before you ever blast them at readers. You should be confident that you have done your very best efforts to make sure readers see work you can be proud of. NEVER subject your readers to un-proofed work. It's smacks of disrespect and is completely unprofessional. What's that I hear? You're not interested in going pro? You are at least interested in writing WELL aren't you? You ARE interested in being read aren't you? Then respect your readers and at LEAST look over your work with a fresh eye once. SAY SOMETHING WHEN YOU REVIEW! Ok, so it's not really writing but I deal with reviews every day and I'm on a crusade to encourage readers to give more informative reviews. You don't have to study the form or be all knowledgeable in technique to give a good review but PLEASE offer some meat in your review. Saying, "It was brilliant, I loved it. You rock!" Is nice to hear but if you've rated it a 4 I'm going to wonder what went wrong. Reviews that are helpful express the emotions a work made you feel. Which parts you enjoyed, anything you didn't enjoy or understand, anything that left you confused. Did you like the characters? Did you find the plot absorbing? Did the words flow well together? Did you enjoy reading the piece? Would you recommend it to friends? Is there anything you think should be changed? Could you absorb the information? Is there too much or too little? Notice that NONE of those points involve technical aspects. They are all entirely opinion. Writers want to know what YOU think, not what common belief would have us work with. Reviews are an audience poll, we collect our target audiences opinions and work with those. If you DO know and have experience with the technical aspects, have been writing for extended years, got a degree in English, are a professional editor or proof reader, etc. then you are also welcome to add comments relating to grammar and structure. If you're not a pro then be careful to be 'right' when you state any suggestions because if you make a mistake and correct something that is already accurate you're going to look a bit silly and you might just confuse the writer further. Reviewing isn't difficult, give your opinion and stick with the facts that you KNOW! One final point is PLEASE take care to write your reviews with encouragement and respect. Writers are people, not pieces of paper. Proof read your reviews. Always ensure that there is positive AND negatives instead of being abusive or fluffy. DONE? FOR NOW! Ok, I think I've vented, a little. *grins wickedly* I did warn you Chris. But I should perhaps be thankful that I've got a good grasp on language and can even rant with a degree of respect. Of course all of my ranting assumes people are intelligent, which is not always the case. I guess I give them the benefit of the doubt and hold people to a high standard. Thank you for the freedom of expression. It's lovely to be able to release this in an environment where it doesn't have to be directed at anyone specifically. I hope the forum captures the attention of other frustrated, writers, readers, and reviewers on the site. Of course, it could be opened up to more than just reviews, like the review the reviewers aspect and community spirit and appreciation too (forum etiquette etc.) Overall I think it's a brilliant idea Chris. I'm looking forward to visiting to see what others vent/rant about and I expect from time to time when I'm biting my tongue and hunting for the red X close button I'll find my way here instead. Thank You! |
| Ok, so I'm definately not a math wizz, I'm also not rich (YET!) but I've been learning a few things about finance and knew a fair bit already but haven't been putting it into practice. Today I decided that it's time I stopped thinking about money and started acting on making sure I'd have some into my future. A few months ago I was actually doing really well financially (for my standards). Separated from my exhusband I'd discovered that a single mothers pension and the child maintenence we'd decided he would pay equated to only a little less than his paycheck used to bring home. This actually made me feel really well off. I mean without the expense of his car and his eating habits not to mention the luxuries he insisted on (cable tv, mobile phones, a social life) I could live on less then we had when married. Being in charge of my own finances was a huge step for me. It was something I'd never done before. I'd gone from living at home where I let my mother handle my income (from being a check-out chick) to being a wife where I let the husband do what he wanted and tried to ensure the bills got paid before services got turned off after that. I was in charge of the bills but I could only work with what was in the account which he had free access too and frequently decimated. Anyway, now on my own I was in charge of everything that went in and everything that came out. It felt wonderful to know that we could live well enough on what was coming in. I could stay home with the kids and work on my writing. It's certainly not a grand lifestyle, we're on the poverty line but our needs are required and some of our wants are satisfied. The internet and my account here for example are always on my priority list of things that get paid for but are wants not needs. Of course, getting by really isn't enough. At this rate I always come to the end of each month with some concern. Especially since my buffer is gone. A few months ago I maintained a small buffer so that I never felt deprived and could 'blow out' on occassion for things I wanted on the spur of the moment. I had actually worked up some equity in the house and so the buffer went into enough money to do some of the renovations I wanted. 10K later I was back to my minimum buffer and then the chance to have the airconditioner installed came along. I made a choice, one I don't really regret but one I'm very aware has completely changed my situation and it's taking longer to sort myself out again. It took away my buffer completely. And now, month by month I live on the line hoping that my mortgage will come in under my threshold and sometimes begging and borrowing from family to ensure it does. Now comes the chance to turn around my finances however. I know the theory but I've avoided putting it into practice because when you're so close to the line it often feels like there are no choices. I really had to take a look at the lifestyle I've been leading these past few months and decide to act now to prevent the situation getting worse. I have to make some sacrifices to get back on track. One of the primary finance rules I'm going to insist I follow from today forward is PAY YOURSELF FIRST. 10% of my income is going to be automatically transferred into a high interest savings account. For the moment anyway until I learn enough about the various options for low risk long term investment. My second goal is to cut back on unneccesary spending and put all my money toward getting out of debt. Regular repayments to my family to ensure that I'm back to zero balances there and then paying more than my interest on my house. I know I won't get my mortgage to a zero balance any time soon but I also know that I can't go on forever paying only the interest. That mortgage has to keep coming down every month. One advantage with my equity loan is that by continuously putting the same amount into it every month it'll drop faster and faster as the outstanding balance comes down. There are so many things I want that require money and I know it might seem kind of mercenary to be so focused on that aspect but from what I've learnt about life finance has a huge impact on our happiness. Finance gives us a sense of security and significance. I know what it's like to give and take just to get by. In a way the experience of having so little is a huge blessing in my life. Understanding how hard it can be to live day to day, hand to mouth, makes me truly appreciate what I have. Given my situation I'm so very lucky to have a home of my own. I pay about what I would pay if I were renting a house, but every payment goes toward a mortgage that with time will make the house completely mine. When that balance reaches zero I'll have a home I can live in the rest of my life for free (other than rates and amenities). My family are well clothed, well fed, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to give my kids toys and games to play with. My daughter goes to a really good public school that costs barely anything and is within walking distance allowing us to get some great exercise. I haven't got a lot and yet I feel wealthy. I feel abundant and I actively give away what I have to others simply because I know how hard it can be. Sometimes reaching out and touching the life of another, helping someone step up, step out of a dire situation gives you this amazing sense of ultimate wealth. Here on WDC is a great way for me to give. I love knowing that I can touch the lives of other writers around the world. It might seem small and insignificant sometimes but in that life I've made a difference. There is a real sense of wonder and joy in that. Of course, it brings me back to my own finances. Just imagine what I could give if I had more myself. I have a few crazy dreams. *chuckles* Unbelievably enough one of them is to at some point in the next ten years have enough to fund the beginning of a real life writing community. Or at least a writers get away or seminar. Something that focuses on giving writers a chance to truly grow and learn and experience the real love involved with their writing. To touch their roots and inspire their souls. Meanwhile there are a few closer to home financial goals I'm going after. But the dreams are there, the knowledge to make it happen is growing, and the action begins now and every moment from now reinforces that. I have 'enough' but it doesn't sake my thirst for having more and my desire to GIVE more to the rest of the world. |
| It's strange how being a writer who absorbs so much through words has lead me away from watching very much TV. In the past there have been particular shows that would be unmissable. Most of it isn't worth watching but at the moment there is one show that's on my unmissable list. I schedule it into my week and plan to have that time available. It just finished, and thus I have a chance to blog and in the absense of anything else to talk about and the further absense of anyone to talk about the show with I figure you'll do.  *chuckles* Heroes is kind of a twist on the whole X-Men concept. Normal people who develop superpowers. One can fly, one paints the future, one is invincible, one controls time, one seems to live a split life, and one absorbs the abilities of the others.The whole concept of superpowers is intriguing. We all crave a sense of significance, a uniqueness that makes us special and in a way this need develops amazing concepts about how we could leave our mark on the world. I don't have any particular superpower and I don't really look for one either. I used to believe with enough training, practice and willpower I could move things with my mind but then I suspect every child has believed in their own internal superpower at some point. I remember boys who thought they could fly like superman or run superfast. Movies and television based on this sci-fi subject have always intrigued me. Concepts beyond those we currently understand spark my sense of curiosity in the world, the wonder, the sheer magnitude of what really is possible. I love to write fiction because on the page anything is possible and everything could happen. On the page every writer is a superhero. On the page we have the power to create superheros be they normal men and women overcoming situations real humans face every day, or animals, or aliens, in every genre we create special, unique characters that do extraordinary things. Heroes is my current must-see TV show. Everything else is insignificant. I used to stay up late to watch Stargate. At one time I enjoyed Medium and Ghost Whisperer. Love the Matrix trilogy. Phenomenon. Superman. Spiderman. X-Men Trilogy. Seems I have a thing for extremes. I love super power movies and I love natural disaster movies which in a way coincide since in natural disaster movies normal people are doing pretty super things. And nature shows her own extremes and creates lasting change. Of course, now Heroes is over for the week and of course the writers do a fantastic job of leaving viewers on a cliff edge each week. The "To be continued..." roles up on the screen and even knowing it's coming doesn't stop me from groaning in disappointment. I think that's why I'll always prefer books and movies. You get the whole story as quickly as you want it that way. Then again that's not always true either. Books can run over multiple volumes and movies can have sequels but for the most part the story has a solid curve that leaves the ending satisfied even if it leads toward a sequel. Now I wish I could go sleep. *chuckles* Normally I would but I only managed 150 words this morning which means I have 350 left to write tonight before I can sleep. *groans* I've been heaping even more on my plate today dedicating myself to a poem a day for the 21 day challenge and 500 words worth of reviewing every day. Technically it's doable, it's just a matter of deciding to make it happen, each and every day, to develop the pattern. What I really need is the superpower of never needing sleep. lol |
| Ok, so I'm actually starting to like watching the news these days. There is generally something interesting to spark my thoughts and ponderings. Tonight had a segment about obese children and the responsibility parents have to ensure they maintain a healthy diet and level of fitness. The question? Should overfeeding your children be considered child abuse? Apparently in the US and recently introduced in the UK there are laws that involve this aspect and it's treated as seriously as child abuse. Children can be removed from families that provide loving, tender home lifes but do not take care of the nutritional aspect of their childs diet. Personally I think putting the responsibility of a childs diet firmly on their parents shoulders is exactly what communities need. Educating parents to the dangers of childhood obesity and what healthy weight range should be for children is an important area that currently doesn't recieve enough attention. We live in a world where the majority of humans in western cultures are overweight and our childrens develop habits based on the patterning they get now which ultimately leads them to excaserbating the problem. Basically, children of obese parents will generally grow up obese. They'll learn dieting habits that are dangerous to their health. They simply don't know any better. Of course the odds are that todays parents are already a result of their own childhood conditioning. With the advent of technology and mankinds desire to have instant pleasures it leads to a lazy culture that survives on junkfoods. Obviously not the ideal for raising healthy well-balanced children. I think advertising holds some responsibility also. I know as a mother it's frustrating having to explain why my children aren't allowed that great DVD/game/toy/food/clothes/gadgets etc. Just the other day my daughter was telling me all about the special mobile phones they have for children and I'm totally against kids and phones. All phone conversations my kids have are supervised and I told her she can get a mobile phone when she's working and will pay for it herself. Anyway, sidetracked. What I'm saying is that the temptations are pumped into our children as NEEDS via marketed advertising, it's up to parents to draw the line on what they let their kids have but it would be an easier job to do if the consumer driven companies would lay off targetting our kids. Ok, back to the obesity issue. Frankly, I agree. Parents who cannot provide a healthy diet for their children are being abusive. No arguement. The outcome is my deciding factor. The sheer horror of the health situation an obese child presents is more serious then abuse in other ways. Obesity is a life and death situation, poor diet leads to all manner of illnesses and disease. We know this and still we pump ourselves and our children with what my daughter wrinkles her nose and calls, "fats and sugars". The answer isn't really to take children away from their loving homes however. The real answer is in educating parents to the dangers short and long term for themselves but more importantly their children. Show them the life they're creating for their child. Actually on that note I'm reminded of a reality TV show, "Honey, we're killing the kids." That show did exactly that, terrified parents by showing them exactly the lives they were creating for their kids and then educated them on how they could completely change that outcome. Obesity in children is completely the responsibility of the parents. We need to be aware of the education we give our children about food. Schools teach about the healthy food triangle but we override that with pizza and Macdonald's. Schools encourage sports and physical activity and then we let the kids come home and vege in front of the TV or video games with chips, lollies, and soda. As parents we need to be very conscious of the lessons we teach our children now. Perhaps it would help to focus on our own unhealthy habits and consider where we developed them. Do you reach for chocolate whenever you're upset or to reward yourself? Think about that, did you get rewarded or soothed with sweets as a child? Do you cook a full English breakfast every Sunday? Think about it, did your own family do that when you were a child? Of course we want our kids to be healthy but there is also the other extreme to avoid. Instead of 'spoiling' our children with the things that are not good for them we don't want to deprive them of the treats and praise involved in growing up. Having a healthy diet is NOT about dieting. I mentioned it a few blogs back, it's about BALANCE. If you cut out sweets completely your children are going to resent being deprived which could rebound. Remember the things you hated not being allowed to have as a child? Don't you make up for that now you're an adult and can give it to yourself? Anyway, the news report got me thinking and I think it's a really important topic to consider. The responsibility of our childs health falls on our shoulders. We can raise them to make the right choices and give them a full and exciting life. Or we can raise them to make the wrong choices and lead them toward depression, low self-esteem, degenerative health issues, early death, diabetes, cancer, infertility... (the list goes on) It's your choice. Are you abusing your child? |
| I'm in a review and reward reviews fix at the moment. I stumbled across this fantastic forum ("Invalid Item" ) in my wanderings around this site that is focuses on reviewing as a vital element of WDC. It inspired me to really pay attention to that aspect of this site. I know for many of us the reviews we recieve are a big part of why we post here. I know for myself I wouldn't post any of my work unless I was specifically looking for reviews. Having said that there has been a big trend in WDC towards prolific quanties of reviews versus quality. As an in-depth reviewer I always feel hard done by seeing those who slam out 250 char fluff reviews and do dozens a day forge ahead in the community recognitions and on the credited and quanitity aspects of reviewing. I mightn't write as many reviews but that's because I take the time to write long, in-depth reviews that actually help writers instead of the fluff or degredation that is pumped around in mass. These sorts of feelings lead me to start a crusade in the hopes of encouraging those of us who do review in-depth. I don't know how much I can really help but I'd like to know that the great reviewers get the appreciation they deserve. As a start I created "Invalid Item" which I now brandish about in response to any in-depth reviews I recieve as well as when rewarding reviewers via the public reviews page.I hope that we could encourage all members to really consider the importance of taking the time to offer real feedback in their reviews. Obviously there are differing experience levels amongst reviewers but everyone can give help-filled reviews that offer writers a great wealth of information about their work. Even those who can't approach the technical aspects can express what they felt, thought, and understood. All reviewers can include their own opinions on various elements in each piece they read. Now I'm on the hunt for fantastic, in-depth reviewers. I created "Invalid Item" to showcase the reviewers I've found who consistently give wonderful reviews and have taken to port raiding this list from time to time. I'm still on the hunt for more names to add.I'll be heaping the praise, offering various rewards and giving in-depth reviews to the people who support this writing community by giving of themselves and their time to ensure others on the site grow. In giving of ourselves we grow as well and for every great review we have the opportunity to inspire other reviewers to make more effort with their own. Anyone interested in joining in the crusade? *grins* Any suggestions on how else we could reward the great reviewers on this site or want to share how you show your appreciation for wonderful reviews? Feel free to join us on "Invalid Item" or add your two cents via my blogs comments section. I'd love to know what you think of the reviewing system on WDC, my attempts to encourage in-depth reviews, and any names you might drop that I could check out as possible adds to my list of credits.Review on everyone! |
| Those three things do play such an ultimate part in our lives, don't they? I often wonder about other peoples hopes, dreams, and goals. I wonder what makes them strive into each day or what keeps them climbing out of bed each morning. How many people spend their lives following patterns instead of creating them? I know I spend a LOT of time following patterns and I have particularly strong hopes, dreams, and goals. What I don't have is the drive, the courage, or the will to go after those most of the time. I like to dream big dreams but I rarely have much faith in the ability to make those dreams reality. Which is, of course, a self defeating attitude. The only way you can reach your hopes, dreams, and goals is to BELIEVE you can have them. Knowing that doesn't however make it any easier to believe. Thus is the way with most of my life. I know a lot of great theory but putting it into action often feels impossible. I actually qualified that because I was about to say it IS impossible but I know it really isn't, it just FEELS like it is, sometimes. I'm in an emotional rollercoaster at the moment thanks to my hopes, dreams, and goals. It actually feels more like an emotional blender that gets switched of and on all the time. I can rocket to 100 miles an hour on an emotional high, feeling fantastic and believing that anything is possible but then the next moment I'm flung backwards smacking hard against the walls of doubt and fear. I guess these sorts of sensations are what keeps life interesting but I really wish those walls weren't quite so hard or high. The plummet after hitting them is even more painful then the impact and knowing that the ground is rushing toward me has me expecting even more pain. The strangest thing is I know these walls are built by my own hands. Technically that means I have the power to build them softer, or shorter, or not at all. Technically! But then I can't imagine a life without walls. Four walls to hold me upright. Armed walls to keep out danger. Glass walls to let in the light. And the highest, strongest, hardest is a wall to sit on when the others all crumble. It doesn't stop the little girl within me hoping, and dreaming, and setting goals. It doesn't stop her believing in fairy tales and wishing on shooting stars. She goes on trying to believe that the world is good and that anything is possible. She struggles because reality tends to batter her about a bit but she still lives on, hoping, dreaming, and setting goals. |
| I started writing again tonight. I reached a point today when I decided I wouldn't let another day pass without working toward my goals of publication. I put aside the ideas of publishing my poetry primarily because it's never been my goal to be a poet. I'm a novelist and focusing on my poetry tends to prevent me writing novels. Today I decided that writing the novel is the most important aspect. It doesn't matter if it's terrible and it doesn't matter how painful it is to write. It is more painful to go day by day realizing that time is passing and I'm accomplishing nothing. Now I can give myself a much deserved pat on the back and rejoice that I can sleep as soon as this blog entry is done. I'm running late tonight and I would love to already be sleeping but I've had a pretty full on day and then when I did finally sit down to write I discovered that I had no idea where my plot was going. Such is the disadvantage of having written nothing for over two months. Thankfully I kept fantastic notes and reading the final file of those got me completely back on track. I have purpose and I successfully posted two sets of 500 words. The first I'd written those two months ago but hadn't posted yet because they might not have been needed and then a few 500 tonight. I've found that scenes are chunking very nicely. I'm not sure if I'll love the way it's written when it comes to revision but for the moment all that matters is to get it written. There are many, many more lots of 500 to go before I can put this book to bed. Thankfully in a sense of progress I can reward myself in huge degrees. Not only did I write those 500 words but it wasn't as painful as I've been dreading. Not only did I write those 500 words but they are in the genre I most want to write for. These 500 words while not perfect are a step towards my lifelong dream of being a published author. I can already picture this book with my name on the cover gracing shelves in my favorite bookshops and the local libraries. If I keep that picture in my mind and continue to focus on 500 a day, every day, I know I can do this. I might need reminders, and some pushing, and heaps of encouragement though so feel free to back me up from time to time. Meanwhile, if you'd like to read the progress so far please let me know and I'll link you up and give you the passkey. Of course unless it really, really, sucks I don't want to hear any negatives about it yet. I don't want nitpicking. I don't want reviews based on spelling and grammar etc. All that will come in the second draft stage. Of course having said that feel free to give all the positive feedback you have. If you get hooked and are holding out for my additions every day LET ME KNOW! Because that sort of accountability helps me push harder and ensures I get it done. When I'm accountable only to myself it's easy to say I'm not worth doing this for. Others however, for my readers, they're worth everything. That's why I write and that's part of what I remind myself when I'm struggling. That this book has to be written because the readers deserve the chance to read it. If not me then who? Anyway, that's my back-patting. I did a fantastic job. It might be a little gummy, sloggish but it's written and I'm back on track. I will keep this momentum happening and it'll begin to flow easily. The story is fantastic, the characters are brilliant and I'm really looking forward to watching the rest of the plot unfold before me. Every day is a new adventure. Thank you to everyone who's supported me this far and thank you to My Trid for always believing me and pushing me towards bigger and better things instead of letting me settle into my frequently atrophic moods. YAY! Now I can go sleep. |
| I'm one of those people who need a full 8 hours to function in a reasonable frame of mind. Too little sleep leads to a very unnice Rebecca and by about 5PM bitch mode starts to set in. Sure I can be a bitch at any time but when I've built up some sleep debt it's particularly noticable. I don't like the way I get when I haven't slept enough. I know it also upsets my bipolar to break my sleep pattern so I make an effort to ensure I get enough sleep. Of course I reset my body clock recently. Started getting up at 5AM and have really loved having those early hours in the day before the kids wake up to do whatever I like. What I haven't done however is make sure I'm in bed at an earlier hour every night. Being up two hours earlier means I need to sleep two hours earlier so I should be aiming to hit the sheets between 9 and 10 PM. Of course years of late nights lead to that hour being an unfamiliar time to try and sleep. I mean it's an Australian summer, the sun is only just going to bed at that hour. On advantage for me is that I don't really watch much TV. At the moment there is only one show that I actually tune in to see and it's only on once a week finishing at 9:30 so I can sleep immediately after. Sometimes I like to stay up for the movies on the weekend but mostly I just don't watch much TV any more. But it's still hard to turn myself off and get to sleep early so that I get enough hours sleep. I can feel myself in bitch mode at the moment. It's mostly just this lethargy and impatiance/short temper. I get frustrated easily and I'm mostly angry at myself today. Another day has passed and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I started the day wanting to get SOMETHING done but finish the day and haven't made any progress at all. The sense of overwhelm and fear steals my motivation. I start to be really afraid that I'll never be able to succeed as a writer. It's the kind of thing we have to do on our own and yet I can't seem to do it on my own. I'm starting to think I'd be better off doing something that will bring in a regular paypacket and involves me being accountable to someone else. Whenever I start thinking like this I remember that I'm not qualified to do much at all. I could spend the rest of my life packing grocery bags like I used to when I was in high school. Of course this horror leads me to thinking of trying to get some education. But eventually I just go around in circles because any other option steals my dream of writing. I know this melancholy is probably related to my lack of sleep. When I'm well slept I'm more optimistic. When I've had a full 8 hours I'm less daunted by the prospect of getting things written. It's still scary and hard but it doesn't conquer me. Today it's conquered me and shortly I'll head to bed having accomplished nothing, again. Too many days have already passed like this. I don't know how to bring about the change. I don't know how to bring my dream into action. |
| Ok, yesterday I took a semi-humorous approach to various lifestyle choices that involved foul milk and pizza for breakfast but today I figure, since I'm lacking a better topic that doesn't involve torturing people I would resort to this topic. Sure, it might torture a few people but then again, maybe there are some out there like me who need to be reminded of this sort of thing from time to time. The waistlines of the world's population have been growing in the last few generations. There was a time when girth was encouraged by culture because it was a sign of wealth and nutrition but these days it's more commonly an indication of the reverse. In today's world it's so very easy to look for the cheap, fast alternatives that involve less movement to meet our needs. The trend toward instant gratification has given the world a fatter outlook on life. Now I'm not trying to kid myself here. I'm most certainly amongst those who are in the higher dress size bracket. But I've reached a point in my life where I've stopped blaming everything else and put the responsibility of not only MY health but the health and well being of my children on my own shoulders. Being healthy is something you have control over. It happens in your attitude and your outlook more than anywhere else. We all know the 'shoulds' for losing weight. There are a number of programs and 'diets' but the only successful technique involves ONE rule. That's right, just ONE! The Rule: BALANCE! Balance in EVERYTHING! You can eat anything at all you like so long as it's balanced. And I don't mean you need a donut in both hands. I mean you can have a donut during the day but you counter it by having a lighter meal later. If you want something high in sugar balance it by lowering your sugar intake the rest of the day or even week. If you're going to indulge in a few drinks with the boys balance it with equal quantities of water. Being healthy is about balance. The balance doesn't only extend to your diet however. Balance also relates to movement. You can eat nothing but rabbit food for months on end and you will lose weight but you won't get healthy. Being healthy involves movement, momentum. You have to balance your sitting/resting time with your active/movement time. The wonderful thing about getting fit is that we exercise every day without even knowing it. SEX for example is FANTASTIC exercise! But for those of us who aren't getting in on that action folding laundry, sweeping/mopping floors, playing with the kids, walking to the shop/school, playing a game of soccer, etc. are all ways to exercise. I've found over the past weeks that exercise doesn't have to be painful. These days I actually REALLY ENJOY working up a sweat. I go out for my hour walk each week morning full of energy. I enjoy the walk talking with my kids or listening/singing songs as we walk. I keep a moderate pace and pad the pavement to a beat in my head pushing the pram with strong arms. The strangest thing is that the walk is no longer enough to satisfy me. I really look forward to getting to my mother's and getting on the gym equipment she has. I crank up the intensity until I'm really feeling the energy moving. I pump up the heartrate which for me is pretty challenging since my heart does a really good job. I've found I can cycle as fast as a car would drive on most roads. It builds up a nice burn to do it and I wouldn't maintain that speed for long but it's exhilarating to pump up the level like that. As I'm building up a good sweat I have a smile on my face because these days I really love doing it. I feel fantastic. This is all related to a change of state. I used to dread the idea of working out. It was a waste of time and it hurt too much and it wouldn't do any good anyway. But I realized these were the excuses I told myself. They weren't really true but I let myself believe them because I wasn't motivated enough. I didn't respect or love myself enough to want to be the woman I believe I am. I let my body represent the idleness of my mind instead of aspiring to greater things. When I really looked at myself and realized that I'm not the woman I deserve to be, that my body doesn't reflect the incredible mind and spirit of the woman within I knew there was something I had to change. I now go into exercise feeling my spirit soar because every moment I treat my body with that kind of honor and respect makes me a powerful person. Physical appearance is nothing against the momentum of reflecting yourself inside and out. I'd had a mental picture of myself for so many years that never equated to the actuality of myself and now that's the image I strive for. She's who I really am and always have been. She hides behind these excess pounds but I'm no longer afraid to let her come out and to introduce her to the world. She's a remarkable woman. Getting fit and healthy isn't about depriving yourself of the things you love or sacrificing yourself on an alter of pain. It's about going to another level. It's about understanding that you deserve so much more than you give yourself. It's about respecting your body because it's the only one you'll ever have and it's housing your very miraculous soul. It's about giving yourself the kind of love you deserve and creating an outside that reflects the beautiful person you are inside. What's even better, is when you take on all that belief, you realize that every step towards it is a journey and that your beauty is already ten million times more radiant then before you knew the wonder of yourself. Just having the courage to face everything about yourself that is fabulous creates momentum for a fantastic life. |
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