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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| I have seen milk. I have seen milk in many different forms and colors and smells. You might think only of the creamy white liquid variety you would be used to seeing pour out of your carton onto your breakfast cereal each morning. You may or may not be surprised to find milk comes not only in this refreshing beverage or cereal soggiefier form. I'm very particular about my milk. You can get powdered milk, or UHT, skim, low fat, no fat, lite, calcium rich, etc. All are very interesting but hardly entertaining. I've tried most of them from all varieties and I've no real idea why they could all be different. Milk comes from cows. Do they feed the cows barley instead of wheat to make them fatter for the non-low fat milks? Do they dose the cows with additional calcium to create the calcium rich milk? Is skim milk really just watered down milk like it tastes? I've found that not only does milk come in it's various varieties in it's fresh from the carton (or cow) states there is variety to it at other times. Milk curdles. It's a horrible truth but as with pretty much all fresh produce (except honey) there is a point when milk will turn on you. I guess that makes it like people, leave them sitting there long enough and it'll turn. If you treat the milk right, keep it cold, put the lid back on the bottle or close the top of the box and don't mix it with other substances it'll generally take longer to dislike you but eventually, it will turn. There aren't any visible signs in most milks in the hours proceeding the invitable curdle. Those few hours are the backstab hours, where it looks ok, it smells ok, but it's really wandering about with a knife behind it's back waiting for an unwary moment to stab into your intestines. Milk in this state is my worst enemy. This prior curdle tends to happen on the day of the expiry date. It's interesting how accurate those dates can be. On most foods the dates are simply a guide. Best before but not, "This product will kill you after this date." Milk however should have exactly that warning on it's labels. Alas, from time to time this evil pre-curdle milk has snuck up to wreak havok in my breakfast cereal. I cry, because usually I've just filled a bowl with my favorite and moderately expensive cereal, smothered it in normal seeming milk and let it soggy-up the flakes a little. Then taking a bite I KNOW there is something wrong. Pre-curdle milk has a very distinctly not-milk taste. It's not that it has a BAD taste exactly, but it's most definately not a milk taste. It's like watery milk with a bit of a tang. It has a lingering after-taste and I can never handle more than that first mouthful. Alas, some are less accustomed to determining the level of safety when it comes to their milk. If it's not crawling with bacteria and hasn't turned into a solid lump it's fine. Now this is hardly an encouraging thought. If you can't tell bad milk while eating cereal soaked in it then you obviously don't eat much cereal. Now, some tips for long standing single men: 1. Cereal is for BREAKFAST 2. Pizza is for DINNER 3. Check your use by dates BEFORE using products 4. The TV is NOT the target for projectile vomit (although being single you can aim there if you want and then enjoy cleaning it up yourself after) 5. If it tastes funny it'll probably do something funny to your insides (this includes spicey food and anything with excessive amounts of MSG). *ponders* Well I'll leave it as a Scarlett 5 today but I'm sure there are other important tips you boys should be aware of. Cooking and eating a balanced diet really isn't such a bad thing. I mean I love a great burger along with the next non-$20-salad-size-000 woman but a fresh salad sandwich is really nice too. The time it takes to pick up take away could be spent preparing a healthy choice meal. Cooking for two means you have left overs for tomorrow. If you remember these important tips about milk and food preparation I would hope even you can avoid the delicate and nauseated sensation that is a common indication that you didn't follow the dietary rules of thumb. If you suffer regularly then perhaps it's time to move back in with your parents, if they'll have you. |
| "I love you" "I love you more." "I love YOU more." "Nah ah, I love YOU more." "I love you to the moon." "I love you to Jupiter." "I love you around the sun." "I love you around the whole solar system." "I love you around the stars." "I love you around the universe." "I love you around the universe times two." "I love you around the universe times a million." "I love you around the universe times ten billion, trillion, billion, million, trillian." *chuckles* A conversation that happens between my daughter and I rather regularly. *grins* Isn't it amazing the unmeasurable love we can have for those special few in the world. Our children, our soul mate, or family. Love is such an immense thing that we could all love every being on this Earth and beyond and still have enough left over for ourselves. The more you love the more love there is. My daughter and I have spent years playing this game. We can play it for quarters of an hour at a time, perhaps longer. We sometimes play it on the walk to school in the morning as we did today. At some point we both have to give in. I'd say, "Are you still arguing with me, young lady?" She would of course deny arguing and then reaffirm, "But I DO Love you MORE." "I'm not arguing about this any more," she said to me this morning. *chuckles* "Yay! Does that mean I win?" I replied and she rolled her eyes at me the way only a six year old can. "No, I guess you can't measure how much I love you so you'll never understand." *beems with pride* Ahh, out of the mouths of babes.  How true is that? Love is immeasurable and we'll never know who could love the other more but WOW, it sure makes my heart swell to argue about it. *grins* It feels amazing to be loved so much and to love in return.Baby boy is only just beginning to talk, he still doesn't have a very good grip on language but even he'll join in our game these days. "I love you more." I'll tell him and he'll reply, "I uve oo ore." *chuckles* He'll get the hang of it eventually but it's so exciting to have him try. Especially since it's taken him so long to try and use language. He understands everything but it's wonderful to hear from the mouth of my child how much he loves me. Every time I hear the words from the people I love, from EVERYONE I love *coughs* Trid *coughs* I feel like my capacity for love just jumped another lap around the universe. What's more is if the universe really is constantly expanding then even that keeps growing giving us all even more capacity to love. I wish you all love, at least to the moon but hopefully a few dozen stars too. If you're as lucky as I am you'll find love that spans millenia around the universe. |
| Do you ever face occasions when you really have to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate yourself and your life to date? Are any of us really satisfied with who we have become or the choices we've made so far? I know ever moment is a chance to change so I go forward with hope for better things but I stare at the reflection I know is me and don't recognize myself. There is a Disney movie called Mulan where the protagonist sings a really beautiful song that reflects at least in part exactly what I mean: "Who is that girl I see Staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show Who I am inside? The rest of the song focuses on how she has to hide who she really is from the world because she won't be accepted in her culture for the powerful woman she is inside. It talks of wearing a mask to hide who she is and present a different face to the world. I think a lot of us live like that. With our changing masks that come on and off and change. Sometimes we just reach a point where we stand alone and we take away all the masks and lay them aside allowing ourselves to face, perhaps for the first time the truth of who we really are inside. It's not the face we show our work collegues, always punctual, competent, knowledgable, dedicated. It's not the face we show our friends, outgoing, funloving, inspiring, challenging. It's not the face we show our children, strong, unphasable, all seeing, entirely unconditionally loving. Our unmasked face is underneath all that which can be parts of who we really are but aren't all of ourself. Sometimes pealing away the masks is like unraveling the bandages on the face of a burns victim. Underneath is the deformed, damaged raw skin and flesh where the bones show through because the burns cut so deeply. The face is ravaged by time and pains and trauma that comes with living. Othertimes we see the wounds but we also see the potential to flourish. We heal and we can see the healing happens so rapidly that even as we watch we can see the pink folds of flesh joining together. We look in the mirror at a face that we don't recognize but we know instinctively that, "Yeah, that is me. That's how I really look, faults and all." And when we're at peace we can come to acceptance. We say, "Yeah that's me and I'm ok." I wonder how many people have had to look at themselves like this and known that there was no way backward. You have to heal and you have to accept yourself, faults and all, and allow yourself to grow from that point. I wonder how many people saw themselves and destroyed a part of themselves rejecting it. Inside we all have an inner child, that came through our childhood and keeps us young, the innocent spark of life that remains within. To have a chance we have to look in the mirror at our ravaged faces and accept ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally. Because anything less just burns more flesh from our faces, just crushes that joyous spirit of our inner child, forcing us to grow up too fast and lose that sense of wonder and miracle. I look in the mirror, and I'm ok, not perfect but doing the best I can and I'm ok with that. Are you ready to take away your masks and see yourself exactly as you are? *hands out free mirrors* |
| Don't you hate those days that are all ups and downs with very few stable moments in between? Today was one of those days. I took my eldest to school and had walked around to my mothers to exercise. She wasn't home but it didn't matter because the minute I let myself in my mobile rang. The school calling to tell me my daughter had been sick. Of course I turned around and walked the thirty minutes back there then pushed both kids home in the pram. Great for my arm muscles I tell ya. That lead to two kids camped out on the couch again today and let me wondering what to do with myself. Normally I'd do an hours workout which would inspire me to make the most of the rest of my day. Without that boost I found myself floundering and uncertain. In the end I went and had a nap with my kids then did a little reading. The power went out about mid afternoon. No idea why but when it didn't come right back I enquired and found out it would be gone for about two hours. It's strange to be home with nothing electrical going. Thankfully it was day time so we didn't need to worry about lights. But I'm used to hearing the washing machine running or the dish washer shishing. I'm used to hearing one or both of the computers humming. I'm used to one or the other of the kids playing some DVD on the TV even if they're not actually watching it. The silence was strange and it left me wondering even more so what to do with myself today. I'd been wallowing in a kind of pathetic melancholy mood all day. It's still not completely lifted but these days happen and I know tomorrow is another day. Plans are on to exercise tomorrow which should help raise those endorphins and thus my mood. Who knows what tomorrow brings really. It's always a mystery and in that way it keeps life interesting. It gives us the opportunity to make every day remarkable. In a way today was remarkable. It was a simple, underwhelming kind of remarkable. But it's a step toward a truly magical possibility. Tomorrow will be another step. And I guess every day will be another. All we really can do is keep stepping forward. No point driving off a peir is there. Just step forward, and face whatever the future holds with hope, and faith. |
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! Ok, so for years I spent Valentine's being envious of couples and resenting the day for it's commercialism and the attrocity of candy and flower sales. But now, munching on the rare gift of Chocolates I gave myself I come to appreciate the real joy behind this special day. Originally I was thinking of blogging about my writing woes but that would be a much recycled conversation that is far too depressing and full of guilt and shame. I'd rather talk about one of the loves of my life. I admit it's not a primary love but it's there and it's one I've had to deny myself most of the time because my body has become a higher priority in my life. But today is the day for CHOCOLATE!! Anyone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me should take note that anything they give me for Valentine's should ALWAYS come with CHOCOLATE!!! Buy me a diamond ring but if it doesn't come with chocolate don't expect me to say Yes!  I avoid chocolate now but on occasions like this, and Easter, and Birthdays, and Christmas I'll make an exception. In a way it seems to make me enjoy those occasions even more. Strangely though I don't enjoy the chocolate quite so much but it's still very, very yummy. Chocolate should be a food group and I just wish that it didn't include sugar. I mean you can get sugar-free chocolate but it's always horrible. I'm still on the hunt for sugar-free chocolate that doesn't destroy taste buds so if you know of any PLEASE let me know. When it comes to chocolate there are so many varieties, it's difficult to choose between them. I know I have my favorites. For starters, the only REAL chocolate is Cadbury's. Everything else is just pretend chocolate. If it's not Cadbury's then you better not buy it for me. I'll occasionally buy non-Cadbury's for myself, like Red Tulip After Dinner Mints, or Milky Way, or Pascall Eclairs or Fantails but Cadbury's is my chocolate of choice. Having said that for some reason chocolate always tastes best in Rabbit, Egg, or Santa form. I don't understand it but the thin layer of chocolate moulded into some sort of shape tends to be more appealing then a solid block or even a flavored block. Biting the ears off a bunny is far more satisfying then breaking a row and crushing an egg into bite-sized fragments more entertaining and fulfilling then cubing a block. Some people would prefer a mixed box of chocolates with fillings. Some very weird people prefer to have nuts mixed with their chocolate. I admit occasionally I'll go for some licorice or better yet licorice bullets but really the best chocolate is caremello. Beautiful Cadbury's dairy milk chocolate surrounding a creamy caremello center that drips down my chin. I bite the flat side of the chocolate away leaving a bowl of caramello which I lick out like a tongue delving into delicate folds of skin. It's an exstatic feeling as spirits lift and the smooth essense of chocolate and caramel fill my mouth. I like my lips to both spread and savour the taste. mmm Chocolate makes me think about having sex. Or more importantly having sex while having chocolate. Imagine all the things you could do to bring the two sensual experiences together. Thinking about that while only eating chocolate could lead to orgasm. *chuckles* Of course, in a few hours it will no longer be Valentine's Day and I still have most of this block of chocolate. Since I don't eat it for health and beauty reasons now I can't seem to enjoy a whole block. A couple of rows satisfies me and I would feel guilty if I ate it all. So, I smile with pride as I wrap the rest of the block and store it in the freezer. It's only a few weeks until Easter and I can pull it out and savour some more erotic sensations enjoying it then. Ohhh Thank you to rain  for the beautiful C-Note! Happy Valentine's Day to everyone else. Hope you have a day filled with love and Chocolate! I have to admit this was the best Valentine's I've ever had. I hope everyone has many happy Valentine's for years to come.PS. For anyone interested in an update on my kids healths. They slept some more today but no more being sick. Both are on the mend but again, I'll see in the morning if my oldest is ready to return to school. |
| *sighs and wipes away a tear* That horrible helplessness of having an ill child is almost debilitating. They're sick and their world is in chaos but there is nothing you can do. Even Mommy's kisses, the wonderful remedy that fixes hurts can't take away the ickyness or aches and pains. You guessed it, my kids are sick. Baby boy since around 10PM last night and his sister as of about 4AM this morning. As you might guess I haven't had much sleep but thankfully they have. They've dozed on the couch all day, occasionally being sick, mostly sleeping, but getting lots of rest. My youngest from time to time crawls into my arms for a cuddle and falls asleep with his head in the crook of my arm or against my heartbeat. There is nothing I can do except keep them cool when their temperatures begin to rise and hold them tightly when their stomachs churn then clean up the mess after. Thankfully it seems to be only a 24 hour bug and both are already on the mend. These things happen from time to time and rest and TLC are the best things to heal them with. Mommy's kisses mightn't make it all better like they normally do but they certainly help make them feel loved and cared for. My oldest had a playdate arranged for this afternoon but was so sick she didn't mind not being able to go. Youngest is never still so his not moving from the couch today shows how poorly he was feeling. Yet here I am with very little to do. I try to tempt them with a little to eat but they aren't hungry. They'll take sips of water and until around 11AM this morning even that was coming back up. Feeling helpless when loved ones are unwell is an agony. Kids a resilient however, and now they are on the mend I should perhaps start worrying about myself. Mommy always gets hit harder by whatever they have. I don't know why. I'd have thought I'm pretty healthy these days but no, when it hits my system I'll be bed bound for a few days probably. Nothing to do but wait and see, hoping that I didn't catch the bug. Meanwhile we'll see how they're feeling in the morning before deciding if my oldest will make it for school or not. I doubt she'll stay on the couch two days running. It's just too against their normal selves. If they're still poorly tomorrow we'll be up to the doctor. Of course he'll tell me it's just a bug and to have them rest, drink plenty of water and keep the temperatures down. *chuckles* Oh the irony. But now I should go, snuggle down with my little ones and get a few Zzz's if I can get a chance. Odds are it'll be another long and restless night tonight with very little sleep. Hopefully a little less laundry though. Three sets of Mommy's PJ's in 12 hours is not fun. The warm goo of last nights dinner down my front is icky. Washing sheets, blankets and pillows is a pain as well. Alas, the torment of parenting I guess. The good news is that laying there, with their warm bodies in my arms as they sleep is such a beautiful reviving feeling. I can sustain anything with them in my arms. Two beautiful angels, I'm so very blessed. |
| It's the twenty-first century and the time when marriages are performed by any licensed casino or resort hotel and broken as easily as made. When finding that special someone has progressed from times of arranged marriages, through courting and now takes place on bar stools or internet dating sites. It's part of human nature to yearn to share our lives with someone, to be appreciated, to be loved. But is the right someone an illusive daydream and in the days when everyone demands fast everything is human kind forgetting that making a relationship work, takes, well... work? I look around me today in search of the reflection of true love. Trying to find couples that have that spark of eternity. True love is an abstract kind of word that brings to mind old married couples who still smile at each other despite years of withstanding each others faults. It brings to mind new love, when it's vibrant and passionate. When sharing ideas and dreams and just being together was all two people breathed for and every moment apart was a sad ache of longing submerged in the pure joy of every reunion. There have been so many movies, books, and poems that focused on love in all it's variations and degrees. From epic romances that have been carried through generations and heart-breaking tragedies that leave you yearning. Lovers have been unlikely or perfectly matched with various ranges of passion and compatability. But what is the winning combination? Have you ever seen it? Found it yourself? Love is a powerful emotion that can change your life. It tears you apart and rebuilds you completely. There are thousands of quotes that speak of love. Love is a leap of faith and hoping. It's putting your world into someone elses hands and letting them mould and change you while maintaining the identity and being you were meant for. It's bringing together two halves of the same soul and reaching toward the stars. Love is a lit path through a maze of darkness. Love is truth, and giving, and breathing in unison. I know, I'm a sappy romantic at heart. I read romance (and write) books and write poetry. But the definitions above are what I believe true love should. It's the coming together of two people who shore up each others weaknesses and balance each others strengths. Of course I perhaps have a vision of love warped by those romance books and movies. The fairytale example of love because after 'The End' we don't see the work required to sustain the relationship. What do you know of love? How would you describe the sensation and the intangeble definition of love? Do you believe true love exists? Is it only for the lucky or do all people have the opportunity to find it if they never give up searching? What examples of love have you had in your life, or failed love, pretend love, puppy love? Do you know anyone who you think just might make it? What is it about them that defines their love as the kind you believe can last through the adversity of time? Can love withstand all challenges? Is it something you know when you feel it? Do you believe in love at first sight or love prior site through words alone? What is love to you? |
| I've been distracted the past few days because I became envolved in reading a story that I hadn't expected to captivate me so deeply. I've had the opportunity to read web comics before but never really go drawn into them. I've found some that were interesting and followed my way through the archives. The comedy is always entertaining but little more than that. Then an evil trid introduced me to something different. When I've been used to webcomics that were shallow and poorly structured this one showed me what was capable when graphics and story combined. I start to understand why comic books are considered graphic novels because when done well they can be deeply woven with the kind of character building required of novels. In fact it's intrigued me. I'm left caring about characters that aren't real, just like a well written book could do. The story is woven and from the beginning of the archives to today it steadily builds and the pages keep turning as my desire to know how it all turns out builds with it. I think the most amazing thing is how maturely it captures ranges of emotion and human experience. Sure, some of it is a bit extreme fiction. You'd never have stuff like that happen in the real world but most of that is just setting. I mean the Giant Lizards are fiction right? The real qualities of the story are all closer and vital to all characters. Every change effects the entire world of these characters although they have no idea how their actions could affect others. I guess it's like real life, where every word and action affects those around us even if we don't know it. Fred Gallagher, the artist and writer, has a flare for capturing the elements of the scene so that it tells more than words. The strips range in detail but somehow a wealth of emotion can be given from the still image of a character and show you exactly how that character is feeling in that given moment. It's inspring while at the same time daunting. It would be easy to be jealous of the people in the world who are blessed with so much talent. Or rather it can be easy to forget how hard they work for everything they have. In a way I'm glad I have no talent with images because it looks like it would be very difficult. Words are my tool. I wield them clumsily at best and even that is frustrating. Imagine if I had to perfect two mediums at the same time. Anyway, after my adventures through MegaTokyo so far I know I am hooked. It all makes me want to explore the world of web comics or graphic novels more closely. When the art of a great story is being lost in some places it's obvious that there are still pockets of people with artistic integrity who want to share something real with their readers. Having said all that there is also a clever wit and comedy involved. It's designed around this technological age with stabs into all areas of the gaming and computer industries to some degree or another. Of course right now I'm utterly miserable. I ran out of strips to read (finished all 966 of them) and will now have to wait eagerly for each new release. The single downside to a gripping web comic is the fact that many of them are still in progress. I might have to go on a hunt for ones that are complete so that I'll have the satisfaction of reading, "The End." Of course the webcomic is wonderful but if you want to see something really clever and touching you should see the video WaveMst3r put up on YouTube. It's a MegaTokyo montage of two of the primary characters Largo and Erika. Of course it will mean a lot more if you've read the comic enough to know what each of those scenes actually mean and what their story is but it's really beautiful to watch and the song has been one of my favorites for over a year. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huxWrZWibNQ http://www.megatokyo.com Yep, the links are designed to be clicked. *uses jedi mind trick* "You want to click the link. You want to lose yourself to the world of MegaTokyo. Webcomics are your new friend." Disclaimer: Not affiliated with anyone but the fans of MegaTokyo Inc. I received no contribution or donation for this shameless promotion. Just wanted to have a bit of a gush about what has taken my time these last few days. Especially since I now feel kind of lost without it. |
| Ok so I got done talking about Pain vs. Pleasure Associations yesterday and today had no idea what to write about. But as usual, life provides and I started thinking about the Defense Mechanisms humans have to deal with pain or potential pain. It's interesting to reflect on this with what I've been learning about associating certain things with pain or pleasure. Obviously procrastination or avoidance is one of those primary defense mechanisms many of us innitiate when there is something we don't want to face. Sometimes it's truth we don't want to face and running from it can stave off the pain for a time. Denial is another one that works wonders against truth. Mostly, I've noticed defense mechanisms take two stances. It's basic animal survival instincts, fight or flight. You have two choices when faced with something you don't want to face, get as far away as possible from it (procrastination, avoidance, denial) or face it. Sometimes facing it involves the fight aspect which is also technically the flight aspect because fighting takes you to a point when you can eventually retreat. The things that scare us are dangerous. The potential for pain is the scariest thing of all. I look around the world from a rather sheltered view. I've talked to a lot of people and for some reason many of the people I know have at one point or other used my shoulder to cry on and I've started noticing things about mankind in general. Particularly how we deal with the things that might hurt us and that involves our emotions. We all tend to deal with things in similar ways. A part of me wonders if humankind perpetuate emotional states by repeating patterns. I mean from the cradle or perhaps even in the womb babies are subjected to the emotions of their parents and their family. Mannerisms are learnt from day 1 about how to certain things affect their lives. If we are all learning similar patterns because we've all been learning similar patterns, no wonder so many deal with their emotions in similar ways. Babies learn to cry to deal with their pain. Crying brings the attention required to deal with their needs. Does that mean we grow up using tears to get attention? Do the people who were chastisized for their tears in their younger years or left to cry without the award of attention learn to contain their emotions instead? In having their 'pain' ignored (pain causing more pain) what mechanisms were build to sheild them from it? Over time we build up more and more walls against being hurt. We build our armors, our forts, our masks. All of these things give us protection from pain or at least the illusion of being protected. The more pain we face in life the stronger the defenses. Of course we fool ourselves don't we? Because the pain exists behind the walls, beneath the armor. It's perhaps muted because we are so used to trying to shut it out but its all still there, waiting for our weak moments to strike. Dealing with other people brings a whole new degree to our defense mechanisms. Here we are, safely within our armor and along comes someone else. Odds are by the time your a few years old you've learnt that other people have the potential to cause pain. I have no idea where I learnt it but I learnt my lesson real good and I'm sure others have too. Anyway, we have up our walls and our masks and we face the world as a shadow of who we are because if we give anything real of ourselves the other people have a weapon against us. Obviously, however, there are a lot of weapons out there in the world and a lot of people getting hurt. Human insanity? Or just the desire for something greater? Perhaps it's because we know that while all emotions lead to pain in some form or other, the potential for pleasure, true happiness (however momentary) gives us the courage and the strength to let it hurt a little. Of course when we take a chance to care about someone else we're faced with the greatest potential pleasure and the greatest potential pain and it's a knife edge either way in every second. Whenever it feels like we're losing ourselves in one direction or another the defense mechanisms kick in. Because if we love too deeply it'll lead to deeper, more lasting pain and if things go the other way we'll get hurt too. Fear comes to the for and it can be easy to push away, run away, strike back, or shut out others. It happens all through our lives. Sometimes I wonder if the world was meant to be full of hermits living side by side in our bustling metropolises. We picture hermits as lonely old men living in powerless cabins up in the mountains or on forgotten islands. How many times do you recognize the people beside you when you walk down the street or cross a crowded room? We carry our lonely cabins wherever we go, metro-hermits, who let a few guests stop by for short visits. What would it take to reach out and truely be with each other? As a community what would happen if the walls came down, masks came away and everyone faced each other with the complete truth of who they are, inside and out. I feel like I'm talking about some kind of Utopia, it's obviously not something that can even be imagined. It's so much a part of our cultures that I noticed the masks and walls come out even in my six year old and felt sad that there were pains in her life that had developed those walls when I try so hard to keep her safe. I've always tried to face the world with a smile. It's not easy, especially closer to home rather than behind the walls and masks of the world wide web. The walls are there but I've started finding the fear of being alone behind them is starting to outweigh the fear of being hurt by letting people in, or occasionally stepping out. It's scary but then so is the idea of living a life without sharing it with others. I promise myself to face each future moment with a few less defenses. Let it hurt because in a way the pain reminds us we're alive and really living, instead of just existing, and just as pleasure leads to pain perhaps being open to pain eventually open us up to pleasure and happiness. PS. Um... Couldn't resist sharing this one since it reminded me of Anyea's comment yesterday. Conversations with Rain. *grins* Rain: I said AFTER [you finish your blog] LOL you lil procrastinator Rebecca: <--- procrastinates real good. Rain: lmao, that is NOT a talent! Rebecca: Sure it is. I practice it every day. |
| How many tasks do you think I could load into my day and accomplish? If I break everything down into it's smallest fraction and actually worked off getting it all done I'm pretty sure I could pack a great deal into my day. Certainly more than I presently do. It's 10PM and I feel like I've had a full day but I look more closely and notice a lot of time I've spent accomplishing nothing but mental meanderings. For me procrastination is a serious issue. I know everyone probably procrastinates a little. There are things we put off for whatever reason when if we'd done it now it would be over. I find myself reflecting on undone things lately. The feel like anthills as the activity I do all around it builds it up instead of taking a great sweeping gesture to eradicate the nest. Today I was doing the exercise thing with my mother. Yes, amazing, a whole week and still going strong. We're both feeling wonderful about the workouts and get a lot of time to talk and explore new ideas together. One of the things my mother brought into the equation was some CD's we could listen to while we work out that focus on various elements of life. Day 2 involved Pain vs. Pleasure. Lifes motivators. It related to how everything we do is in a desire to increase our pleasure and avoid pain. Ok, so that's a simplified way of looking at it but basically, if you associate exercise with pain because of past associates between exercise being painful you just don't want to exercise. Because in your mind exercise = pain. If you associate exercise with pleasure instead you enjoy exercising. I've discovered this is particularly true. I love spending the time with my mother chatting and exercising together. It's harmonious and companionable which to me has always equalled pleasure. There are all sorts of things in our lives that are associated negatively. Dieting is often seen as denying yourself pleasure. The pleasure you get from foods that you really love that are 'bad' for you. Now I know from having done weight watchers that there is no such thing as bad food. The only thing that really matters is quantity. Ohh, you didn't know that? For anyone who's ever wanted to lose weight that's the key. You can have cereal or oreos for breakfast. The oreos are chocolate and cream. What would be considered a 'bad' food. The cereal is wholemeal grain with dried fruit and nuts, 'good' food. You CAN eat oreos for breakfast and lose weight. But you can only have 1 or 2 oreos as a breakfast which would probably not satisfy your hunger. It's also high-gi which means it won't be long before you're hungry again. Have the bowl of cereal, it's low-GI, and satisfying, giving you the energy you need to start off your day with a clear mind. I found by accepting the fact that you don't have to cut anything out while trying to lose weight, 'dieting' became something enjoyable. I can have takeaway, so long as I account for the fact I've had it and have less somewhere else. I also found the positive inforcement of not eating junkfood is pleasureable. When your dieting and you slip up what's the first thing you do? Berate yourself for not sticking to your diet. Now notice I said, "for not sticking to your diet"? You're not berating yourself for eating a whole block of chocolate but because having eaten it you've blown your diet. The chocolate was pleasurable the diet is pain. I used to reward unevenly in this regard. I'd beat myself up over having gone off the rails but I'd forget to reward and encourage when I said no to the things my body doesn't need. But really, it feels wonderful to walk past the confectionary isle in the shop. Make it through the check out. Walk out the door and say, "Yeah! Fantastic job! Look at all the healthy choices you made. You're going to look fantastic when you step on the scales next week." Listening to the CD had me wondering more about the various things in life that are associated to pleasure or pain and how I could turn it around. For example: Every Monday I'm supposed to sit down and write a lesson for The Tools of Poetry Workshop. This is definately something I have been associating with pain. There is a great deal of self doubt and flagellation involved while researching and writing the lessons. I convince myself I do not have the knowledge, experience, or quality in my own work to feel like I have a right attempting to guide others. Of course this leads me to procrastinate because I don't want to face the 'pain' of writing the lesson. Some weeks it gets so bad that Monday comes and goes without a new lesson. And I feel better, because I let myself off the hook. Or other weeks I write the lesson. I suffer the pain and then feel pleasure after it's finally over and I can ignore it until next Monday. I realized that this is a destructive way to approach such an important project. It shouldn't be painful to write those lessons. When I was writing it this week I messaged my best friend about how painful it was and he came out with something I thought was profound. I'm paraphrasing how it hit me rather than his exact words but it was like: "You love people, you love writing, you love poetry, write what you love." He was exactly right and looking at it from that perspective changed how I saw the process. The research became an adventure, a chance to learn more about a subject I love. The lesson itself a chance for me to share my excitement and interest in a topic I love. The workshop itself was no longer me standing up there telling people how to write poetry it became me telling people how much I love these little tricks and techniques that can enhance everyone's poetry. I'm wondering how I'll go when I put this process into practice next Monday. It will be interesting to know if the lessons become more enjoyable to participate in for others not just to write for me. I know one of my concerns has been that if it's so painful to write, surely it must be painful to read. There are all sorts of things in our lives that are affected by our associations. For chocoholics like me perhaps the answer to dealing with our addiction is to change our associations. Congratulate ourselves and gain pleasure from walking past it in the shop and not buying any. If you're stronger than me spend some time with a block in your hand staring at it and telling yourself all the reasons eating that block will be painful and all the pleasure you'll gain from not eating it. What sort of traits in your life would you like to change? Quit smoking? Do homework? Housework? Learn something? Really it could be anything at all. If you consider the possible pain and pleasure associations involved and turn them to your favor perhaps the power of change will work through you. Perhaps you'll find your Personal Power. |
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