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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| Between Father's Day and June 21st I have the most uncomfortable conversations with my dad. My dad and I don't talk on a regular basis at all. I talk to my mom pretty regularly and she gives me updates. My dad and I have always had issues. Growing up I was supposed to be like the Williams sisters in tennis - my dad was one of those dads - but I managed to rebel because although I love tennis and still do and play I also love basketball and had to play it as well. So athletics is a big part of my relationship with my dad. Even now when we do have conversations - they're mainly empty filled with what team is playing what in basketball or who might win Wimbledon. I use to be so angry at my dad. Always wanting this close relationship with him, being able to tell him things and get his advice and it took me many years to realize that would never happen. I started this journal where I wrote down all of my feelings about him and me and what I felt about all of our issues. I was angry and I planned on sending it to him after I felt I had said all I needed to say. But somehow through God and through me putting my thoughts and feelings to paper I was able to sort of go through this process of forgiving my dad. I realized that my dad is my dad and parents aren't perfect. Yeah there is a LOT of things I wish were different in terms of our relationship but when I look back on my childhood all I remember is how good it was - and it was but growing up I also realized that father's are very important to their daughters and though I tried to act like I'm fine either way, I wasn't. So I had begun the process of forgiving my dad and eventually I did. Its much easier to let anger go than to hold onto it. Despite that fact, I still find it uncomfortable to really talk to my dad and every year his b-day is either on Father's Day or just before or just after. I got through the phone calls this year and I'm relieved. I love my dad and I love being around him when I visit home - he's hilarious - but there's this disconnect I feel over the phone when I talk to him that I can't seem to get away from. This I time I did get a surprise though, before I got off the phone I told him I loved him, and not expecting him to say it but to say bye (because that seems to make him uncomfortable) I heard him him say love you to. Writing this I feel as though it could have just been my imagination but I know it wasn't. My daddy loves me. |
| HEY DEEZY, hows your hair? do you like the color.. i seriously need to wash mine. um yeah I HATE IT! Okay first the postives: Joi did the actual twisting of my hair and she did an excellent job. I was VERY leery at first but I was desperate for an appoinment and she is good. Matter of fact I think I like it better than the last time Abenaa did my hair - remember I said I preferred Jamal and something about the way it fell -well Joi is good and anytime Abenaa or Jamal isn't free I'm going to go to her. So anyway, Abenaa would NOT let me pick a color. She was like there are certain colors you can only use for highlighting and she said why and it made sense but I still was under the impression I could choose what kind of color. Long story short she was like I can't really say what its going to look like and really with blonde hair you need to blah blah blah - bottom line she was not letting me pick. She was like trust me it will be beautiful. Okay - whatever. So it looks like I have orange or some weird color you would find for braiding hair...I HATE IT! It does not look at all blonde to me or like my own natural blonde highlights - it doesn't look natural. And they were all like its gorgeous its wonderful and I was not happy. I was like I don't like it....maybe it has to grow on me....she was like you're going to get so many compliments watch... whatever....and they charged me $65 for highlights and its like 8 locs highlighted....$65!!!! how much if I wanted my whole head....seriously there's like 12 at the most highlighted...that's a rip-off |
| Okay the time has finally come for me to post pictures of yours truly. I don't want to linger on myself for too long so let me try and cut to the chase. First I'll let you see me before locs and then after. Here I am up close
Now the pictures after I started my locs...here I am when I was on my way and got my hair done in Harlem (not the best idea in retrospect) I have to re-save the picture it won't come up ... Next we have my baby coils, not quite locs at this point
I just got my hair done yesterday and it looks nice but I went to try color for the first time in my life and I must say that I love my stylist but she did not let me choose the color (I only got highlights - I have to start small) and I do NOT like it. Maybe it'll grow on me but I'm not pleased...oh well... |
| I'm feeling a little restless at the moment. Right now I'm at "work". I'm sitting at home taking calls for infomercials and I'm happy to be home and resting in peace and quiet but I feel like I don't know where to start. I always seem to have this list in my head of things that I want to do and now that I have the time and energy and peace I'm not doing anything. I can't even seem to remember the list. (Okay I just took an order for Lipozene from this guy who was real cool and it was so embarassing to have to read all the upsells to him but he was really nice about it and didn't trip. I tried to skip over as much as I could although they do monitor the calls but they had like 5 crazy long paragraphs to read - I know the longer you stay on the call the more money you make but that is ridiculous.) So back to my day. I leisurely took my time getting home. Due to summer hours I'm off at noon, so I did a little shopping, bought my mom some fabulous jewelry for mother's day (I'm giving it to her at my family reunion in 2 weeks) and its so nice I'm tempted to keep it and get her something else, but my mom definitely deserves it - she's my ace. So I finally make it home around 4:00 and I'm hoping Dave isn't home but I see his car parked in the lot. The air between us has been okay, and he's made more effort than me in getting back to normal but its not that I'm upset just sort of emotionally tired and I really felt like some alone time. So once again God called my bluff and Dave told me he was just about to call me because he was going to go and hang out with his boys and I was like cool. I was a tinny bit sad because I do love to hang out with Dave on Friday's but ultimately I needed a time out. I thought about riding my bike again and going to the park and relaxing with a book, but like I mentioned before I thought I would get some paperwork done and plus I wanted to take calls for a couple of hours since they seem to have so many hours available and its a simple way to make a little money. I did however get my budget done. I had been putting it off and I finally gave myself a lecture and got it done. You know every time I walk up some stairs (I always take the stairs if I can help it) I say to myself how much I love the stairs. Today I was walking up some stairs thinking I love stairs, they're so resourceful and then I started to laugh at how silly I sound because I started thinking that way to convince myself to take the stairs in the first place - I guess it worked! I'm convinced - and retarded because I have no idea why I just mentioned any of that - LOL |
| "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." This is the quote I use at the bottom of my e-mail correspondence at work and personally. I thought I'd share it because I get a lot of good feedback from it and I believe its worth remembering. |
| Dave and I had a fight last night. Not anything like the past, with yelling or mean words or anything over the top but it hit harder without all the usual drama. I'm sitting at my computer, finally surfing the net comfortably at home doing my thing and I'm hearing Dave constantly sighing. Now that shit gets on my nerves! What the hell are you sighing for over and over again - clearly you have a problem but instead of voicing this problem its been relegated to constant sighs every 30 fucking seconds. So I'm sitting there trying to wait it out. Actually I'm working on scanning some pictures to download for you all to see, which by the way was hampered due to the this sighing medley - and the two pictures I was able to scan now I don't want to post - for fear of harsh judgement (not really) but suddenly I don't like the way I look in them and well anyway.... So its clear that I will be unable to outlast the sighs, so I stay calm (honestly!) and try this the adult way. I ask him what's wrong? Nothing....what's wrong? Nothing? Okay do you not want to tell me because something is obviously wrong...after five tries ...he's upset because it seems that after he cooks he's always putting away the food and so on and so forth. Now he does have a point. My week to cook, he cleans and his week to cook I clean, but lately due to him being home he's done more of the cleaning of the kitchen... so I say okay well all you had to do was tell me and I'd of put the food away...long story short, suddenly my tone has become unacceptable. I'm sitting there congratulating myself on speaking to him in a regular tone, trying to find out what's wrong and have an adult conversation and suddenly my tone is unacceptable and this is an argument. To Dave if he doesn't want to have a conversation to avoid what he knows is sure to come its an argument. I'm like how are we arguing when I'm just talking to you trying to understand what's going on. He tells me this is what he wanted to avoid. A conversation? I'm like no one is yelling, I'm not speaking to you disrespectfully, sarcastically or snidely (which he accused me of) but because you just want to be angry and not talk at all -in your opinion its an argument with unacceptable tones. I can't take this. I was actually trying and being calm and when you do go fucking nuts its oh I knew this would happen blah fucking blah and so I work hard to avoid that scene and the same fucking thing occurs. He tells me well eventhough you think you were speaking fine, and I'm sure it was unintentional you could have worked to change your tone. You mean my normal speaking voice which anything better than that would be WHISPERING! I mean I'm a person who people think is loud in general. I admit in general I talk a little louder than the average person, but I'm full of laughs and jokes and anyone who knows me (including Dave) knows and that the way I was speaking to him was considerably lower than usual. I mean my friends are always teasing me about my inside voice and lack thereof. Dave grew up in a world with his mom constantly shooshing him and his family - outside, in restaurants wherever. Me on the otherhand grew up in a family where we were competing for the floor - telling jokes, laughing, it was always a stage. My dad would tell these outrageous stories when were out dining in a restaurant and we would be seriously cracking up - I mean this is the freedom I'm used to. We're not ridiculous, but we're far from quiet people. I mean Dave shooshed me in the car when I said something about a neighbor because she was out on her porch - mind you we're a little bit down the block and inside of the car!!! He doesn't shoosh me anymore. I am not to be shooshed. So anyway I'm so over this relationship, this crap, this unhappiness over every little thing. I swear Dave has constant PMS these days. And I don't need the heartache, the headache or the tears. (Suddenly me, somone who hates crying thought it was weak, then realized its not - but now I feel like I cry a little too damn much, but not in Dave's presence if I can help it) No comments on the relationship. I know what I should do, could do, need to do, would be happier if I did - believe me I KNOW...so until the moment of truth happens I'll write about this bullshit now, and two days from now I'll write about what great times we're having and two days from there more bullshit until the cycle eventually runs its course and ya'll will be here to help me pick up the pieces. |
| So my previous entry ended abruptly because Comcast messed up again and where I had called to simply pick a different number than the one they assigned me, they ended up turning off the phone which of course affects the Internet...bastards! Luckily I was able to copy my whole entry and save it in Word otherwise I would have such a bad attitude. My butt is feeling a whole lot better today and I'm gearing up for the weekend because hey the more you ride the more your butt gets use to that small ass device they call a seat. Plus Dave is Mr. Mechanic and he's all gung-ho to fix all of the quirks. I'm in such a good mood today. The sun is shining and its a beautiful day. My new project is plants and I've bought some really nice flowers for the apartment and I'm really working hard to take care of them properly. My first buys were of these Peace Lily's which I didn't realize were so tempermental. They need moderate light and to stay moist - well I had them in the window which was direct sunlight and I think I watered them too much (not too often) but they're still hanging in there and I've moved them - though my new flowers require lots of sunshine and I love the fact that I can see them bloom and grow before my eyes. I can picture myself being a mom or grandmom (well not that far) and gardening, that's a hobby I'd like to learn more about. I think horticulture is fascinating - that may be a bit strong but you get the picture. Dave interviewed for a job that I think is the one! Praise Jesus! It feels perfect, its close to the school he'll be attending in the fall and it should pay a lot more than the last - I'm all excited about that. Of course its a little slow getting the wheels turning because he's interviewed with the first person, who turned out to be a Kappa like him - so they bonded well and the guy said he was going to write a glowing recommendation and send it to the next person who Dave has to meet and then after that he has to meet the BIG guy!! whoooo.... So all of that takes time, but I've convinced myself for the most part that I'm working on my patience these days and I think God is calling my bluff. |
| Okay I am pissed! But I'm calming down as we speak! Let's just say Comcast is working my LAST nerve, but I'm trying to have patience. I don't even want to talk about it. My butt is killing me! I was asked to play volleyball for my old job (yes, they want me for every team they have, including bowling  ) so the game was to be played in the courtyard of my new job - so I'm right there. Now the game we're in isn't supposed to start until 7:00 p.m. Its now 5:00 and I have the bright idea of going home to Germantown and riding back into the city with Dave on the new bikes we got. Now remember I was right there. So I tell Dave to be ready when I get there. I get home at about 5:50 (our team is supposed to me up at 6:45). Dave is NOT ready. Then I start playing with him and we're wrestling for at least 7 minutes. Then I get dressed and Dave finally gets dressed and finally we get water, snacks, pack backpacks, get the bikes and head outside. We then have to put air in the tires (this is our first ride on these bikes) and we're off at 6:30. So I'm nervous but I've grown up riding bikes we can make it. Yeah...um okay. Long story short....Dave's brakes gave out on a hill, my chain came off and I couldn't be in any gear except the hard gear. We got there at 7:45 and they were breaking down the court at that point. I was sweating and breathing all hard, trying to act like this was my daily exercise routine. All the while my butt was KILLING me! So Dave and I stop at a friend's to refresh on water and rest a bit until like 8:30, we got back on the road and didn't get home until 10:30 p.m. My ass still hurts. We were both switching from butt cheek to butt cheek trying to find some padding. Those seats are not meant for normal ass. Now there are a couple ways to get to Germantown from Center City. Usually there is this trail one can take, but let me tell you at about 9:30 that trail is pitch BLACK and someone (me!) being scared of the dark was NOT having it. So we had to take the hills and I mean literally hill after hill after hill through Manayunk before we reached a plateau. At the top Dave's handle bars came loose, so he could barely ride without swerving - he looked crazy! Let's just say I'm really re-thinking that whole riding into work thing. I was so gung-ho, but even looking at a bike makes my butt hurt. That said I'm still thinking of riding in on Friday since I have summer hours (sweet!) and only work until noon. I'm not sure I'll make it. I just got off the phone with Comcast and I officially hate them. Though I did calm down because this last guy was really nice and I started to picture myself being the person handling someone like me and I cringed. Forget what I said, I deserve if someone calls up and is an ass because I seem to have no problem being one. |
| Okay I am pissed! But I'm calming down as we speak! Let's just say Comcast is working my LAST nerve, but I'm trying to have patience. I don't even want to talk about it. My butt is killing me! I was asked to play volleyball for my old job (yes, they want me for every team they have, including bowling ) so the game was to be played in the courtyard of my new job - so I'm right there. Now the game we're in isn't supposed to start until 7:00 p.m. Its now 5:00 and I have the bright idea of going home to Germantown and riding back into the city with Dave on the new bikes we got. Now remember I was right there. So I tell Dave to be ready when I get there. I get home at about 5:50 (our team is supposed to me up at 6:45). Dave is NOT ready. Then I start playing with him and we're wrestling for at least 7 minutes. Then I get dressed and Dave finally gets dressed and finally we get water, snacks, pack backpacks, get the bikes and head outside. We then have to put air in the tires (this is our first ride on these bikes) and we're off at 6: |
| It feels good to be back. I have no good excuse either as to why I haven't written in a few days besides being plain lazy. And the other day I was going to note the fact that I had been doing so well on writing continously most every day, which is a pretty big accomplishment from someone who can look back on all her childhood (and recent) journals and find large gaps between the days and months within my written memoirs. Even within this blog, which I started last year, I stopped for months and only picked it back up earlier this year...I'm working on my discipline, slowly and steadily. I finally bought my bike. This was spurred on by the fact that Dave and went on a nature walk (as I like to call them) and we walked for at least 15 miles (this is to and back) and all the while people are zipping by us on bikes having a jolly good ole time. Now I was content walking -seeing as it was my idea in the first place - but I did long for a bike the more people I saw whiz past and voila we got some. I'm itching to ride, so today I'm taking it out. I've been asked to play volleyball after work, so I'm going to go home and ride my bike back into the city. I've been playing around with the idea of riding in to work during the summer, as many people do, but I'm coming from Germantown into Center City which is a bit far but definitely doable. I think I'll have to try it a couple of times and see how I like it...I know one thing, it'll save me $106/month during the summer.. on another note I just want to point out that my tan is gorgeous (during the summer I get added color since my true colors seem to show themselves in the winter, which by the way was never a problem in Cali) and I'm feeling great; I tried to upload pictures and they've been too big, which I don't know how to change without Photoshop, but I'm working on it... |
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