%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  I write, therefore I am |
|
I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
|
| I was sitting around today and I began to wonder, how did I become the guy that I am today? Where did I get me belief system? When did I decide what is right and wrong? What had brought about this train of thought you ask? Well I noticed the way children act when they are out with their parents now and I am appalled. I always think what that child needs is a good sore ass, or if I ever acted that way with my parents I would get a slap across the face. I do believe that the stopping of corporal punishment will be the downfall of everything. When I think that I would have been beaten for doing what children do now that is not exactly true. It was the thought of what would happen if I acted out. Even threats to most children are ignored because they know that their parents will do nothing to them, because they can be threatened with calling child services. Now before everyone gets up in arms I am not saying you should go around and knock the snot out of your kids, but I don’t see the punishment value of a timeout. Son, you blew up the house, killed the cat and glued the dog to the carpet! Go to your room for a timeout. There is no punishment there. What is a timeout teaching? Well you can do whatever you want and all you will get is a timeout. Oh, and I know you are four and a half but here is your cell phone. Okay wait I have lost my train of thought and rambled down a different road. How did I become the man I am today? I wonder about that sometimes, because for all practical purposes I raised myself. When my parents separated I was not allowed to go with my mother and my father was drunk most of the time. So I fended for myself, with just a twenty dollar bill that was given to me every Friday. That twenty had to pay for my food for Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Eventually I began to sneak alcohol into school in Sprite or Mountain Dew bottles. I began to smoke, although I have never tried drugs. I smoked for almost two years until one day I realized that millions of people die from smoke inhalation and here I was doing it on purpose. There were parties that I went to where things happened that I am ashamed to mention and won’t mention. There are things that I believe and I wonder where those beliefs came from. I am not a believer in organized religion for various reasons. I do not believe that any one religion is any better than another. Who are we to be so hypocritical as to tell someone else that there God is a false God and ours is superior. I believe that I can make my own opinion about what the Bible says, I do not need someone to tell me what my opinion is. I believe that people should be true to themselves, before they be true to the beliefs of all the other lemmings out there. I believe it is wrong to abort a child, yet I understand that there are times when it is needed and desired. I believe that No means NO. I believe that drugs are stupid. I believe I made a mistake when I bought a thirty story one bedroom apartment. I believe a door should be held open for a lady and a chair should be pulled out for them. I believe that a man should walk on the outside of a lady. I believe I was born in the wrong century. I believe in the Death Penalty. I believe in eye for an eye. I believe there is no rehabilitation for most criminals. I believe racism is wrong. I believe racism is a part of life. I believe in loyalty. I believe in monogamy. I believe in your right to choose whatever you want to choose. I believe that wrong is wrong. I believe in love. I believe that there is something second star to the right and on til morning. Yet where did I get these beliefs? I practically raised myself. No one told me drugs were bad, I just had no urge to try them. My friend tried them, they tried to get me to try them, but I didn’t. No one told me to open a door for a lady, I just believe that it is right. No one told me to love with every part of my soul, yet I do. I love so strongly that all to often I am easily hurt. No one told me what to believe, yet I know what I believe in. Who gave me my beliefs? Did I give them to myself? Did someone higher give them to me? Was it Tinkerbell? Will I ever find out? I know that I am proud of the man that I have become. I know that I stand by my beliefs right or wrong. I know that I stand by your beliefs right or wrong. I know that I will die to protect those that I love. I know that I am a big softie and I cry at movies and BLOG entries. I know that family and friends are the most important thing to me. I know that if you mess with mine you mess with me. Quote; There is iron in your words of death for all Comanche to see, and so there is iron in your words of life. No signed paper can hold the iron. It must come from men. The words of Ten Bears carries the same iron of life and death. It is good that warriors such as we meet in the struggle of life... or death. It shall be life. Ten Bears (Will Sampson) - The Outlaw Josey Wales |
I stroll into WDC tonight to find a few pleasent surprises. One, I was given a merit badge for Journaling from the loverly celestial, who runs the BLOG ring that I am a part of. Also two other members from my ring were recognized skyisfalling02 and Philthy   . Second my story "Invalid Item"  was put into the short story newsletter and I had no idea.It really was a good day, yet I feel so grey. I feel faded and washed out. I talked to Dee on the phone for awhile and we talked about why I hate October, my aborted daughter would have been 16. Dee is so understanding, it was nice to cry on her shoulder and to have her tell me that it is okay to mourn for things that I never knew. It's funny the complexitity of the human mind. There are very few people who I have told about my dislike of October and most of them say the same thing, "It was over sixteen years ago dude. Let it go. You never even met her." Perhaps to some people, mostly male, that would be a statement that they hold true. Alas, I am like no other and I miss what I could have had. A girlfriend of mine and I were talking about this subject the other day and she asked why does it bother me so much, even now? I know that she asked that in sincere knowledge to understand me better, so I told her. For most of my life I have felt unloved and unwanted. I have longed for love and have rarely found it. Love is all I ever wanted. If I were to have had a daughter, my own flesh and blood, she would have to love me. THat love would be unconditional. It was my chance at being loved and loving in return. It was my chance at love that could not be withheld. Most people would not understand that and perhaps I am being abit melodramatic. I cannot help that is the way I feel. Sometimes, on night's much like this one, I fear that I will never have a child of my own. I will never have the chance to see their first step, hear their first word, see that silly hello-big-person-I-know-you smile that only babies can pull off. A smile full of ignorant love and trust. Sometimes I think that I will never have a child of my own so I cherish the nights I used to spend with Dee's son waiting for her to get home from work. He was so small and he would sleep on my chest while we waiting for her to come home. There is nothing quite like that feeling. The feeling of a small heart rapidly beating against your own. The feeling that you are all there is to protect them. I do love that kid as if he were my own, but he is not. For the first time in a while I have found a bit of happiness to go with my contentment. Still, I feel a bit blah and I know it will pass with this month, until next OCtober when it will return again. I have found a bit of happiness and it is funny to me that it is an old happiness. Before we got off of the phone tonight Dee told me something important and I want to share it. There is a little paraphrasing here, but it is the jist of what was said; "Before we go I want to tell you something and I don't want you to take it in the wrong way. I told you that I wanted to take things slow and I do, so what I am going to say is not what you think it is so don't read to much emotion into it." So I am thinking of great here we go. "I love the man that you are. You heart is so big and you love so strongly. It's a shame the way you have been treated. No one so compassionate should be treated that way and I will do my best not to hurt you." Ok if you are confused a bit there, because I was. She was trying to say that she love the man I am, but she is not ready to say I love you yet. It was kind like going around your elbow to get to your ass, but I fell for her a little more after she was done saying it. Still, I fell blah.... Qoute; You don't know what it is when you try, and you try, and you try and you never get there! Sam (Sean Penn) - I Am Sam |
| I haven't done this in a while so here we go. I don't want to get off on a rant here, but I am so tired of the close minded stupidity of people. If I have to hear one more person say they will not allow their children to read Harry Potter because it preaches Satanic Beliefs, I think I will scream. I'm tired of these so called hollier than thou people talking about something that they have no idea about. Just because the book is about magic and wizards does not mean it is satanic. I have even heard such supposedly itellegent religious leaders on TV berating the book for things that do not even happen in the book. We worry so much about supposed evils that other things slip under our very noses. And by we, I mean the everyday lemming public. So they will sit around and wait for the opportunity to put down a well written story by a woman who until a few years ago was homeless and destitute. You wanna know what you do not hear about? There is a popular series of girls young adult books out called the Traveling Pants. There are three books so far in the series and there has been a movie made from the first book. In the first book they talk about having sex for the first time, IN A KIDS BOOK. There are no wizards and magic, there is SEX. Now you may think that is no big deal, but you know what I have seen girls as young as eleven come into the store and buy these books. Still think it is no big deal? How about this, sex in the book is like a movie rated R with sex in it. Would you let your eleven year old daughter watch such a movie? I just find it amazing that nothing has been said about it. I didn't know until just yesterday about that happening in the book. So I don't care how much slack I take at work I will tell the next parent who comes in with their daughter to buy one of the books about the sex in the books. So the point is that it is not cool for your kids to read about makebelieve magic, but it is okay to read about a young teenager having sex. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong. As an aside my port hit 500 views and my blog hit 1000, so yah me and all that. Qoute; Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) - Fight Club |
| Ok so I keep having problem with MSN Chatrooms I cant seem to get them downloaded. Now I did not have that problem with MSN messenger, but I can't seem to figure out how to work the danged thing. I can't find anyones names, and I cna't figure out how to send someone a message. My head hurts now. Danged ol' technology. Anywho I are logged on as edyhdrawde, I guess. I'm so confused. |
| I can see from the previoue entry in my "Journal" that I must have a ghost in the machine. It would seem that they managed to make an entry in my blog while I was in the shower. The "ghost" was supposed to be cutting veggies for the salad, not in here playing in my blog. But she is such a sweatheart, it made me smile. Now I owe her because I had no idea until I came in here to make my new entry and saw the title of my last one was something that I did not recognize. Anyway we had a nice simple dinner. Salad and Chicken Alfredo. We just talked and enjoyed eachother until she left about forty-five minutes ago. CC get your mind out of the gutter. We enjoyed eachother's company. She let me in on the surprise that she hinted around to a few days ago. She might be transfering to Va. Beach with her job. She will find out in a few months. So it wouldn't be until next summer, but still It made me happy, which made her happier, which made me happier. Ok, I need to stop that I were getting dizzy. Ok history lesson incoming: Since we first dated many many moons ago I have sent her letters, and given her various items. When I walked her to her car tonight she said that she had something to show me and she pulled out a box. In the box was every letter that I had ever sent her, there was also a hat that I had given her with the amizingly tacky saying, "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me" God was I really stupid enough to give her that hat? She told me that she had recently reread all of the letters and that back then when she first read them she felt that my love for her was too much for her to handle and that was why we always had problems. Now she thinks that, that is the kind of love she wants. Well now I am really tired so I think that I will be off to nap. You are all in my thoughts tonight and I hope you have at least one day where you feel as much at peace with your surroundings as I do at the moment. Ok enough with the sappiness. Nytol Qoute; When I think of why I make pictures, the reason that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you. Robert Kincaid (Clint Eastwood) - The Bridges of Madison County |
| I do not have much time to put this up. Larry is in the shower and it took me a bit to figure out how to get to his blog. I wanted to thank everyone for being there for him lately. If it wasn't for you guys out there I don't think he would have sent me that letter, which I just loved. He has always had a problem with his head and heart not agreeing with each other, then he does not know which to listen to. Since I am here and he seems to listen to you all, could you get him to cut his hair. It's too long and he looks better with it short. Thanks for being there for him, when I can't. Dee |
| Today has been weird, my mind will not stay focused on anything for more than a few minutes. As I am writing this I am listening to Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt" and it is heartbreaking. You can hear the pain in his voice as he nears the end of his life. He passed away shortly after the video was released. I have been reading a lot of BLOG's today trying to catch up and I feel lesser having read some of them. Pretty much all of them on the left of your screen at the moment. THey are constantly going on about some serious matter that induces strict thought and pondering. Then you get to my entries and they are ramblings of the past, girl problems, and the occasional complaint about writing all with the usual movie qoute. Even when I go to comment to one of their entries I feel like an uneducated buffoon. Now before you all come yellin' at me for putting myself down I just want to say SHUSH YOUSE GUYS!!! lol (oops sorry about the lol, Hubby)(How weird is that to say) Iam not much into politics, or religion, I aint republican, democrat, independant. I aint left wing or right wing. I just am. My opinions are my own and Usually I keep them to myself. So my contest has over 350 views and not a single entry with four days left. Maybe I made it too difficult. Maybe I will get a rush at the last minute. I started reading a book today by Micheal Marshall called "The Straw Men". It's horror/suspense and I just love the way it is written. So, if you get the chance give it a view. Maybe we can have our own little book club. Wouldn't that be a gas. First thing we can do is make CC read of Mice and Men. Then him and TOR can act it out for everyone. I feel like there is something missing this weekend, because I did not go and see a movie. I know everyone don't faint. Even I miss a weekend every now and then. For the first day in I don't know how long the sky showed nary a sign of rain. After talking to the lady "D" on the phone there was nary a sign of rain in my heart either. Just hearing her voice makes my day brighter. We are planning for a nice dinner tomorrow night. And I can't wait. I think I will surprise her with Tulips, since Roses are so passe. Wow that sounded almost smart, I think I even used it in the sentence correctly. Woot for me!!! Before I go, TOR ol' buddy ol' pal if you get a chance I would like for you to read this little flash story written for LegerDemain's 15 for 15 contest. I would be intersted in your opinion. The prompt was a sunflower field with a Raggedy Andy looking scarecrow in it.
So I think I have rambled from topic to topic enough for tonight. Cherrios I'm going to break from tradition and leave with the words to "Hurt", Qoute; I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feeling disappears You are someone else I am still right here What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way |
| Ok, well maybe not bubblegum in a spiderweb, but inspiration does come from the strangest places. I remembered that today, while writing my piece for the 15 for 15 contest. The prompt was a scarecrow in a sunflower field. That took me somewhere strange and alien to the what the picture showed, but I loved the piece I wrote. Anywho, most of my inspiration comes from pop culture; Movies, music, TV, books, comic books, even comercials. It doesn't take much to send my mind swirling off into some imaginary world where I see snipits of story and things yet undiscovered. Movies have been part of my life for as long as I can remember; from the beforenoon movie on channel 13, to cassette recordings of horror movies played to me by my uncle, to Doctor Madblood's Terror Theater at midnight, to John Wayne movies, to BLack Belt theater. Movie gave us themes for playtime. Who gets to be the badguy, the hero, even the damsel in distress. I was surrounded by music growing up. That probably explains my eclectique tastes in music now. I grew up with oldies, country, rock, classical, but no blues or jazz. Which I find strange now that my favorite music to listen too is Blues, Jazz, and classical guitar. I have been inspired by songs pretty much since I started writing. I have written stories based on Hotel California, the Legend of Wooly Swamp, and just recently Hearts Collide. I know so much about TV from the late seventies until just a few years ago that I make myself sick sometimes. I remember shows that no one else seems to, even the people acting in the shows have forgotten some of the ones I remember. I also draw inspiration from books, though not quite as much as Movies, Music, and TV. Mosttimes when I read my mind will runoff on what if this happened instead tangents. You know like, what if Frankenstien didn't kill the little girl by the river? What if Mister Hyde didn't have such a bad attitude? What if Arnie never bought the car in Christine? What if the bat had bitten a pekinese instead of a Saint Bernard in Cujo? Okay I have problems. Most people disregard comic books as a child's toy. Which is sad because there has been some amazing stories written for comic over the last twenty years. It is no longer a child's medium. It is now an industry carried on the backs of adults. The readers are still the children of years ago they are just grown up now. Most comic stores only have one or two child subscribers and the rest are adults. The prices of comics reflect that; twenty years ago the were 65 cent now prices range from $2.25 to $4.95. There have been some amazing stories; Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Sin CIty, Hellboy, Return of the Dark Knight, Road to Perdition, 30 Days of Night, History of Violence, Identity Crisis, X-Men: Dark Pheonix, Sandman, Preacher, and Swamp Thing. I know most of you will have no idea what I am talking about, but that is okay that ussually happens to me. So in closing, I think, Inspiration draw it from where ever you have to, even the bubblegum caught in the spiderweb. Draw it from where ever you have to, just draw it. Use it, form it into your own stories. Who knows maybe someday someone will be inspired by what you write. Qoute; No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think! Forrester (Sean Connery) - Finding Forrester |
| In sixteen days my blog has gone from 600 to 900 views as of this typing. What have I done to deserve such loyal and returning readers. Anywho, thanks for showing up and reading. I had a phone call last night and when I answered the phone I could tell that there was something wrong. The Lady "D" sounded a bbit upset. I asked if she was okay and eventually this led into and "ADA" conversation. There are three stages to this conversation; agrevation, discussion, and acceptance. She was aggravated that I would talk about us and post the letter that I sent to her in my blog. I listened to her for a bit and let her vent. Then we discussed how it is a help for me to get certain things off of my chest. It helps me think a little clearer to get things in writing. Finally she accepted my writing about us as long as I kept certain "personal" stuff out of it. I asked like what and she said, You know what I mean. So CC you can relax there will be no tell all entries about and "Relations" going on. Not that I would put something like that in here anyway. I do try to be as tasteful as I can in my entries. So the conversation ended pretty well and as soon as I hung up I missed her voice. I got ready for bed when I realized that she didn't tell me what her surprise was. Oh well, I will have to ask her tonight. I shall return later with more ongoing tales of the past. I think we will be discussing inspriation. SO go get some fresh Oreos and milk. If you want get a couple of bean bags, it might be more comfortable than sitting on the floor. Qoute; Until that day, then. Until that day. Joe Sarno (James Caan) - Way of the Gun |
| Thanks to the loverly Nada I now have a month to get my Paypal stuff straightened out. She was nice enough to give me a month upgrade. It was a total surprise to me when I got the message. I am really thankful, because I was afraid that my first contest would be conceled because of the problem. So stop by and pay her port a visit for helping little ol me. Man, it's almost like family around here. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I took a look and it seems interesting.
