"Okay fine, you got me" Kenny parted his hands and leaned back on his creaking chair
"...what?"
"Guys you called my bluff, I admire your integrity... I meant, do you seriously think I would fire good workers because they didn't look like they'd eaten 13 super polyburgers before lunch? And that a company would even enforce such an 'image'... Seriously" Amber and I just stood there; she was the first to speak
"That's not funny Kenny"
"Sorry about that Amber, a while longer and you'll get my sense of humour" This time I spoke up
"So was that all you wanted us for, or have you got a whoopee cushion planned?" Kenny sighed and leant forward.
"Actually there was something. You two have been here, what a month, and I just realised that you haven't had a check-up yet"
"Well I can give you my doctor's number, if you want..."
"Oh no Conrad, don't worry about that. I've got you guys an appointment with the company doctor - great guy - his office is a few blocks away, you're expected, and I’ll cover your shifts until you get back"
"...what now?"
"Well yes now Amber. As I said, you're expected. The doc's a busy guy, so windows of his time are seizable opportunities. So hurry along, or else you WILL be fired" ... "HA seriously guys, the doc'll be waiting"
So Amber and I headed to the company doctor. The walk was a quiet one, both us just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, until we reached the address Kenny had given us. I had walked past this building many times and never guessed that it was that of a doctor. The windows were dark - possibly they were tinted, more likely they'd never been cleaned. In fact, they was very little evidence that any kind of cleaning supply had so much as looked at the premises. Even the signage: Emmet Pierce M.D. was grimy and not something you'd touch willingly. Amber and I entered, into a dim room. With chairs lining the walls, tables holding a 5 year old copy of Cosmo and a desk at which sat a woman. It was hard to pin-point her age exactly, seeing as there were no signs of being particularly old and likewise non that she was particularly young. As a idea she was bland: plain, brown hair of medium height, no striking features to speak and dressed (from what I could see) in an uninspiring grey. Even as she spoke, her voice was missing any particular spark or personality.
"Hello, can I help you?"
"Hi, we're here for our polyburger checkup" She looked blankly on, as if nothing had been said at all, but then she replied.
"If you'd just like to take a seat, the doctor will see you soon" We obeyed the embodiment of monotone, and as we sat down, I wondered who we were actually waiting for: contesting Kenny's statement that "the doc's a busy guy" with the evidence of this empty waiting room. I turn to tell Amber my queries, but she's reading the Cosmo so I chose not to disturb her.
Soon enough the door swings open and a white coat steps out. Doctor Pierce's cover is a much more interesting read. White silvery hair accompanied by a neatly trimmed goatee nestling comfortably on his chin. Despite his however he doesn't appear to be a particularly old man, about 40 at the most. Underneath his lab coat rests a black tailored shirt with taupe silk tie. His shoes are brown leather, which lie below taupe trousers accompanied by a similar brown leather belt and a silver buckle.
"These people here to see you doctor"
"Thank you Debbie" Pierce turned to face us "You'd better come in then" Me and Amber looked at each other and then back to Pierce
"Which one of us?" Pierce looked irritated by this statement.
"Well both of you: you both need a check up, you're both here let's sort it now... well come on, I'm a very busy man. I took another look at the vacant waiting room, before following Amber into the doctor's office. It was cleaner than the rest of the practice, but not by much... as if this room was the minimum level of hygiene needed to pass inspection. The doctor gestured to us to take a seat on a stretcher by the wall, which we did. He then stood in front of me and went through all the usual procedure - heart, blood pressure, eyes, ears, mouth, temperature, reflexes - before moving onto Amber and repeating the routine, after which he made some notes on a clipboard. "Okay, now the preliminary tests are done, I'll need you just to stand and strip down to your underwear" Of all the moments during the past couple of hours were Amber and I had looked at each other confused, this was the latest.
"I'm sorry what?"
"Yeah couldn't we have some privacy?" Pierce lightly slammed his clipboard on the desk, definitely slightly frustrated at this response.
"Look it's simple. As I understand it, the polyburger was communal changing rooms. Therefore it's not going to be an unfamiliar concept. Better to get the weirdness now, before it disrupts a working environment" I wasn't really convinced in what Pierce was saying, and I think neither was he. Yes the polyburger changing room was a shared one, but I just shared into my locker to avoid any related awkwardness. And anyway, this whole shared exam thing just didn't seem right... about as right as a company forcing its employees to gain weight. Just as I was about to raise these concerns, I was distracted by the sight of Amber's bra: making an appearance as she undid her shirt
“He’s right Conrad, I mean we’re going to have to do it anyway... you don’t mind, do you?”
“...no, no, I don’t mind, we’re gonna do it anyway right?” I too undid my shirt, tossing it to the ground. I then took off my socks and shoes then slid out of my jeans. With us both finished “changing” the doctor preceded to the second part of his test; lining us up against a wall, placing us onto a pair of scales and then taking measurements. He then went off to the back room, leaving me and Amber in another awkward silence. Despite her condition (of having very little on) I tried my best not to look – although I couldn’t shake the feeling that she might not be giving me the same treatment. However I did look and it was this which led to a conversation starter.
“Nice angel” I said, referring to the tattoo on her back/left shoulder.
“Thanks” she said, cracking a smile “it symbolises that I’ve always got someone looking out for me... nice plaster” I cracked a smile, actually out of polite embarrassment – the plaster she was referring to was the Batman one on by foot.
“Yeah... I cut my foot and it was the only one at home” It wasn’t – there were approximately 4 Simpsons, 2 Elmo and 16 regular. She smiled that ever so (now) familiar smile, leant back against the stretcher and looked to the ceiling.
“So” she said “What did you think of Dick Grayson taking over as Batman?” I looked up. Was she serious? Was it a fix? Was someone feeding her that line? You could easily hide an earpiece under that hair. Then I remembered that she was waiting for an answer.
“Uh yeah, I thought he was the natural choice”
“Yeah... I did miss Bruce though”
“Um, yeah” was she being genuine? I decided to test the water “Although Batman aside, I’m more a Marvel guy” I waited for her response
“Oh absolutely, I know exactly what you mean” she’s sounding genuinely into this “I’ve always been an X men girl” This was a whole new side of Amber which I (or possible anyone) had never seen before. Like she could read my surprise, she added “I had 3 older brothers, so I could basically quote tales of suspense before I could walk”
Pierce re-entered the room, unaware of our bonding, wheeling in trolley carrying two glasses full of liquid, two paper cups with pills and two syringes.
“What is all that?”
“This” he said “these are your prescriptions. Consider it a three pronged preliminary strike, keeping you in perfect condition to work at Polyburger. Don’t worry, it’s all covered by your company health plan” Blindly; we then downed the liquid, swallowed the pills and took the shot in the arm. “Thank you very much. Please check back in 3 to 4 weeks for a follow-up exam, and feel free to put your clothes back on” So Amber and I got dressed, walked past Debbie and headed back to work. When I got home later that night I was tired, more so than usual for that time. So much so that I just collapsed on my bed, and slept until morning. I was finally woken up by my phone ringing.
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