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1,502 Public Reviews Given
1,747 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Jeff

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I loved the self-deprecating comedic tone of this story. Haven't we all felt that way at times? The rhythm of your writing and your voice in the story was a delight to read. I liked your whole karma theory.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*

Overall: An enjoyable read, and I hope your next birthday wish comes true. You never know!

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252
252
Review of Earl's Fate  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Dude

This was a fun idea for a beginning of a story. I'm assuming this is a first chapter of something larger. It's always fun to daydream about what one would do with lottery winnings. Your details about checking the river made the character seem authentic. I would have liked to see the fishing tied in with the lottery ticket. Like catching the big one compared to the lottery.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line breaks between paragraphs make for much easier reading.
*Bullet*"he noticed that it was in deed a lottery" ~ "indeed"
*Bullet*Would it be that no one "claimed" their win in the lottery or that no one won? If the ticket Earl found was a winner, the lottery would have said one winner, not yet claimed.

Overall, an interesting outline.

Regards,
Kim
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253
253
Review of Selkie  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Starlit Stranger

Welcome to Writing.com! You joined just in time to help our community celebrate 10 years!

Your item caught my eye because I'm writing a selkie story.

I liked your characters and how they portrayed a new couple with the uncomfortable moments that go with them. I love how lightning looks over the ocean.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Expand the story and add some back history and character description.

Overall, a good story.

Regards,
Kim
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254
254
Review of Leaving The Woods  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Knismo

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Your story was interesting with a very unexpected turn. Perhaps during edit you could add some clues as to why the affair happens and why she would leave because of a note.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"he's fathered on different women" - Suggest taking out "on" and using "with".
*Bullet*"past two from the closest paved road" ~ I don't understand what "past" means in this sentence.
*Bullet*"the scary note on the doormat" ~ Not sure why it would be scary. Even if your character was alone.

Overall: Good character formation.

Writer's Cramp!
255
255
Review of Something missing  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Robert Kaine

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A heartwarming story about finding someone lost. Some of your story was told, rather than shown. I liked the characters but felt a little bogged with backstory. I know it's hard to fit it all in with a word count limit. Perhaps expand this later. Keep Gertrude, she's adorable!

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Perhaps link her pictures with Jim's by showing the reader the handwriting on her picture.

Overall: I liked reading the story.

Writer's Cramp!
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256
Review of Just a Quick Peek  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Organized Chaos

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

How true about our attention spans in the technilogical era. I thought your story was charming in the way you brought in the book, like it was some mysterious contraband. Your introduction of your character was clever.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Just looking. Just peaking." ~ "peeking"

Overall: I liked the secretiveness of the character. Well done.

Writer's Cramp!
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257
Review of Weekender  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Alan Davies

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I liked the ending to your poem, dogs really are man's best friend. The third stanza made me laugh. The rhyme was a litte choppy. The color changes added some zip.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 2 & 3 both started with I'll, a little disconcerting.
*Bullet*Perhaps expand some of your very short lines.

Overall: An intersting peek into your character's life.

Writer's Cramp!
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258
Review of Epitaph (Edited)  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Raoc

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

What an ironic story! I loved your character but what was his name? Your scene description felt authentic and I could see what the man was doing in my mind.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Name the character, even if he doesn't want anything named after him. LOL
*Bullet*Twice in the story I wondered if the emergency breathing apparatus the character called irrelevant would have helped his situation. Perhaps just take it out?

Overall: Impressive work.

Writer's Cramp!
259
259
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Lupin Little

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

I liked the ending to this story. While it was part of the prompt, you worked it in well and fashioned it as a good last line of the story.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"To quick, it all got worse to quick, he felt.." ~ "too"
*Bullet*"Maybe it was because it was a choice"
*Bullet*"As john got to a conclusion..." ~ "John"
*Bullet*"he felt hopeful even more" ~ "even more hopeful"


Overall: Good work!

Writer's Cramp!
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260
Review of The Vacation  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Winchester Jones

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

This was a funny write! From a broken down bus to a helicopter ride with a criminal, definitely not what I would call a vacation. LOL I liked the dialog and his responses to her comments.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*The man spoke in long ranbling sentences and was looking at Rose as he went on and on. ~ This is the only part that threw me off. I can't imagine he'd be doing more than just glancing at her if he was trying to naviagate a damaged Huey.

Overall: A comical story.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of The Sleepwalker  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Have a sunshiny day!

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Funny poetry! I've heard of people eating and walking in their sleep, scary stuff!

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*The first stanzas felt as though they had some rhythm to them but it seemed to slip away later in the poem.
*Bullet**Paragraph*6 ~ The last line seems overly long.

Overall: An amusing read.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of putrid kisses  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello christo

I liked your work, it didn't seem as gory as I thought it would be when I read the intro on the Plug Page.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 1 ~ Suggest "dancers" instead of "dances".
*Bullet*Line 5 ~ Suggest " selfishness" instead of "selfness".
*Bullet*Line 6 ~ Suggest "ourselves" instead of "or selves".

Overall, you created interesting and thought-provoking images.

Regards,
Kim
Happy Spring!
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Review of A Field in Winter  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello TWRussell

Funny how snow makes a stark contrast for nature and one notices more even while driving down the highway. This reminded me of a time I saw a line of turkeys crossing a snow covered field.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

Overall, beautifully written.

Regards,
Kim
Happy Spring!
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Review of Lilith  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello bob county

A charming story, even given the fact that Winkin, Blinkin and Nod are not using their usual mode of transportation in the form of a wooden shoe.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Some formatting issues, you should start a new line when you change speakers in dialog. The left margin should be justified.
*Bullet**Paragraph*1 ~ Typos: sniched/snitched potatoe/potato
*Bullet**Paragraph*3 ~ Typos: guess/guest clam/calm
*Bullet**Paragraph*8 Typo: your/you're
*Bullet**Paragraph*14 Remove "+".

Overall, a cute story twist.

Regards,
Kim
Happy Spring!
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265
Review of A Woman Scorned  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello C. Carlos Camacho

A spooky good story. I liked your scene descriptions and the cat transformation was delightfully creepy.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*I'm not sure the shouting caps are necessary to the story.
*Bullet*The last part of your story could just as easily be the beginning of the story. I'd prefer it at the beginning.

Overall, a great spooky tale.

Regards,
Kim
Happy Spring!
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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello dollzell

I liked the final line, isn't it true - many people leave footprints in our hearts.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line 1, space between friendship and comma should be moved to the other side of the comma.
*Bullet*Line 3, 4 ~ space needed after commas.
*Bullet*Many of your lines have "but", perhaps reword.

Overall, a sweet and sad read. Write on!

Regards,
Kim
Happy Spring!
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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Bwitchd3

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A good story using the prompt. I liked Kevin and James as characters. Good rising action!

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*The change in point of view when Cindy slides down the wall is unnecessary - stick with James.
*Bullet*I liked the backstory, but it felt a little jumbled.
*Bullet*Line breaks between paragraphs is helpful for online readers.
*Bullet*Tripped on a chicken...in the woods?

Overall: A good story idea.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of Life From Death  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello TheGary

Your story had an other-world feel to it. The scenes are well crafted, dialog interesting and rising tension well-described. I understand this is a submission for a contest with a word count limit but after, you may want to add to your story to answer the questions: Why did Jasarra bury her family under the tree? Why did her suicide attempt rejuevenate the landscape? And especially, why was there a time lapse at the end? (the scar reference)

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"It probably would not matter, anyways" ~ take out probably or anyways. You could add anyways to the next sentence.
*Bullet*"prolongued thought" ~ no "u"
*Bullet*"He emptied the bucket of water they had taken along" ~ one wonders why it was taken along.
*Bullet*"pouch of gas wood" ~ clarify this - is it tinder that catches? a piece of deadwood? what is the gas?

Overall, a good read.

Regards,
Kim
Happy Spring!
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Review of Endless Night  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello hiryuu

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A cute poem about a sleepover. Funny how sleepovers never include sleep...*Laugh* You depicted it very well.

Suggestions for edit: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Suggest taking out the ellipses, not really necessary.
*Bullet*Kinship should be capitalized. (Mom, Dad)
*Bullet*"but hey make you feel like a chicken herder" ~ "hey" could be removed. And who is "you"?

Overall: A cute poem.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of Polliwog Blues  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jimbo

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the pond, isn't it? LOL, your poem was a delight to read, I loved the ending.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"We most hate letting the snakes and snails have the fun." ~ Would edit this to be shorter and more concise.
*Bullet*"wag of my tale would boost me" ~ "tail".

Overall: A charming write.

Writer's Cramp!
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Review of Dark Frog Angel  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello londa

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A clever twist on the traditional pricess kiss story. I thought it was very...slick. Nice work with your characterizations.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only thing that slowed up my reading was putting together the tall skinny teacher and Mrs. Turner. Perhaps identify her when she yells for Cierra.
*Bullet*Does it work if the frog steals the kiss? Hmmmm.

Overall: A clever write.

Writer's Cramp!
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272
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Ann B

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A great take on a green jealous frog. I could sense the wistfulness.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*Break the first paragraph since the rest is short. Cut it after " I would know better than to fly near frogs, or any other animal bigger than me." because you then talk about snakes.

Overall: Short, think about fine tuning this as a children's story about jealous wishing.

Writer's Cramp!
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273
Review of Frog Days  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Randy

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !

Comments:
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

A charming story. I like how your frog made the best of his circumstance. Your character portrayals were quite funny, John Wayne gets domestic with the tadpoles.

Suggestions: *Cut*:
*Bullet*"I lady sat with her car out on Drayton Street" ~ "A lady"?
*Bullet*"full witch on me and honest-to-Gawd cackling over me" ~ "on me" is redundant.

Overall: A good read, I enjoyed.

Writer's Cramp!
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274
Review of Dream Revolver  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Jess

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

After a slow start, your story started to gain momentum when Paul found the water. Once I found out it was a dream, I wondered what was the purpose of the dream or the desert? The woman didn't impart any information or reason as to why she appeared, was it merely because Paul was ill and nearly died in his sleep?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"His tired body found the last burst of adrenaline to support his staggering, swaying dash to the small stream that fed the oasis." ~ Wasn't he crawling?
*Bullet*I think the fairy dust was overkill.

Overall, a slow start and an unclear purpose.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
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Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Tol

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A good theme for a horror story. You definitely stepped away from the prompt image and wrote something unique. The only thing that confused me was if the gnomes ate Bob, then what turned into a gnome?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"The shoe and four toes are gone!" ~ No bleeding?
*Bullet*"Tom backs up at the site of her and almost trips over another gnome" ~ Site should be sight.
*Bullet*Bob isn't close enough. He begins to inch his way forward into the light sliding on his bottom. ~ It would make the story flow better if you showed your reader what Bob was doing, not told them.

Overall, a creative idea.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
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