Greetings from the Night's Watch and the "King's Landing updating "  ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.
HAPPY ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!
 First Impressions: Pretty apt description on this item. Sej is trying to write a prologue to a book, but can't seem to get past the first page. This immense frustration prompts him to stand and take a shot of whiskey to distract himself, but in the process he accidentally flings his jar of ink halfway across the room. It shatters and leaves a dark stain on the floor.
This stain is suspicious as every time Sej looks at it, it seems to grow larger and glint. Maybe not just 'seems'. Eventually it becomes like a hole in appearance, but it couldn't be a hole to the lower floor because that would be apparent. There would be candles lit downstairs.
Though everything in my mind is telling me he shouldn't go anywhere near it, it seems to draw him towards it and next thing anyone knows, he's falling down through it. Falling, though, is a generous term. He's kind of suspended in blackness. At last he passes out and everything really is black.
When he wakes up he notices he's on the floor somewhere, and he's assuming everything that happened was a dream, and a result of that whiskey. I think he only had one glass, so that seems like a stretch to me. Anyway, he manages to open his eyes and finds that he is not, in fact, inside his dream like he assumed.
Instead he's on the warm stone floor of some place he has never been before, and beyond the incredibly bright light of the candle, he can't see much of anything. However he can hear voices nearby, and they - at first - are speaking in a foreign language. But just as the chapter ends, Sej is bidden to blow out the candle.
Being suspicious, I'm not sure I would do that if I were in this same position. In fact I don't much like the dark, and being in a mysterious place all of the sudden wouldn't make me feel comfortable without light. Then again if it's hurting him... ah well.
 My Favorite Elements: I got to admit, the strange pool of ink (that obviously isn't ink) is kind of interesting. I also like his reaction towards what is happening to him. The whiskey. Everyone blames the whiskey. It's just so typical that it's kind of unexpected, and in my opinion kind of amusing.
 Suggestions: Though the writing is mostly good, I have the feeling this chapter reads heavily and kind of redundantly for some reason. It might have to do with the amount of -ing endings that you use in the first short while of the story. There were quite a lot of them, and to get rid of some you'd need to rework the sentences they're in. Of course an -ing is not as bad as an -ly or a 'was', but if it's overdone a reader can't help but notice them.
Sej was on the edge.
Aside from the rhyme, I'm not really all that fond of this sentence. He teetered on the edge or something?
There was no feeling that he was falling. No wind rushing past his ears, no coldness.
I don't get quite why, but this almost feels like painful repetition. Thinking of it like, you say there is no feeling, then mention the absence of the sensation that would make one feel like they were falling. It pretty much achieves the same thing, so maybe the two sentences could... I don't know, maybe come together.
But the darkness was so thick it smothered sensations as easily as it smothered sound. He couldn't feel any part of his body. He was just a thought, a thought floating in the black.
I'm sure you did the latter repetition for effect, but sometimes that kind of thing ruins the effect. It almost feels like you're tapping the reader on the head and asking if the information got there all right.
He inched his fingers slightly apart and felt the light assault his eyes again through the thin membrane of his eyelids.
Nothing strictly wrong with the last word, but I couldn't help but notice later in that same paragraph...
He parted his eyelids.
It gets heavy when this happens, and when you're the sole editor they're so easy to miss.
 Overall: This is interesting, though I'm completely clueless as to what the plot might be about. He falls in a puddle of ink and ends up somewhere else, in different clothes and minus his slippers. Nobody knows where he is, and there are mysterious little voices around him. Mouse-like voices? Squeaky and high-pitched, then? Still, I wonder if he snuffs the candles or not. I guess I'll have to read on to find out...
Keep writing!
~Tam
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If you have time you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome. |
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
. A beautiful way to bring the main character a peace of mind. 
. Now the story finally has some direction and purpose. The meeting of all these unusual creatures is disturbing enough, but I'm also curious to find out how he got there. Maybe not anywhere near as curious as Sej is. Dimension transferring ink spills? I'm quite sure I've never heard of something like that before. 
, but the concept is very creepy. The doctor goes home, but Elizabeth's story is still on his mind, and he used to believe in monsters under the bed as a child. It prompts him to actually look just to make sure, but... 