I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.
This is Tam, in answer to your review request. I'll do my best to provide a thorough review for you.
First Impressions: Torin is really queer in his own way. This chapter is fairly focused on what he does with his days and what his job really is. I'm not sure exactly what to make of it to be honest.
I'm not sure what Torin is planning. He almost feels like a sinister person now that I'm here. Kenton is somewhat curious as well, but I don't get that negative vibe from him. I'm not sure if you intended this or not.
Torin is also a dreadful flirt. As a girl I find this somewhat irksome. I would, personally, loathe a person of that type. Though I have been told I can be somewhat difficult. I will let this slide for the time being, since I don't really know him yet.
My Favorite Elements: You don't shirk your descriptions. That is a good start, but some of them are serious telling. Torin's behaviour is both interesting and disturbing. Not sure which I would rather lean towards in this case.
I liked the earlier part of the chapter better personally because it showed a better side to the characters.
Suggestions: Much telling to trim down, and I would like to have a better idea of what is going on. I found the dialogue could use some work because, though formal is not bad, it feels a bit too stiff and formal. As if they are reading some of it off a script.
There is no real indication as to what might happen next. I'm not sure, at this point, if I should or should not keep reading it because there has been no definite... movement plot wise. This might sound harsh, and I am sorry if it comes off that way, but your plot needs movement. If you aren't sure where this is going, now is definitely the time to thik about it. If you do, try to add subtle - or not so subtle - hints for the reader to pick up.
The girl stopped running when she saw what happened, she looked around until she spotted Torin. A look of comprehension stole across her face and she laughed herself off her feet.
This seems like telling to me. I'm not perfect, but it just doesn't feel like action even if it is supposed to be.
The little girl just stood there with the biggest grin on her face, but would not corroborate his story.
This one is the same way.
Torin turned around and saw Kenton Gladstone running after him, this was the first time he really got to get a good look at the man; the lighting in the council chamber was not the best.
I waited three paragraphs for a description that never came. The way the sentence led up to it made me think you were going to describe him, just for the benefit of memory, or even just the slightest bit like his hair is paler than it appeared to be in the council chamber. Anything. It felt like you forgot to add it somehow.
"Find any cracks yet"
Might want to add a question mark at the end of that. It is a question, after all.
"You have not said anything I don't already know and accept for you see, my father was a world class diplomat as well as a powerful Physicamancer and he trained his children to not only have skill in magic but in diplomacy and debate as well.
This is one of those stiffer lines. I only showed some of it, of course.
it gets hard when people get used to the games you play so the reason I wanted to eat here is because many of the waiters are new and I get to have my fun"
Missing period.
After a quick look over again I think the main problem with your dialogue is missing punctuation. No, people do not speak perfectly punctuated, but you should still try to add pauses in their dialogue. We don't use correct grammar, but we do tend to pause now and then to breathe.
Overall: All right, so I read the whole thing and I think, though it has a good deal of nice in it, there are also many things that could use improvement.
The Improvements:
You need to show more, and tell less. Telling has its place, but it should be used as little as possible.
Dialogue needs more punctuation and less tension!
The plot should be made a touch clearer. It feels really faint, like it is struggling to come up for air. I'm not sure why.
The ending is almost sharp enough to draw me further in. Almost. I think it could use a bit more impact.
I have little to no idea what this town is like. Big? Small? Lots of room between buildings? I see people, but no... town.
You were good at:
So there were some bold descriptions, but they were doing their job for the most part. Just be sure to remember that not everyone has a dictionary sitting on their desk that they are willing to pause and flip through.
Your characters have some obvious characteristics that mark them as unique. Different.
You seem to have a strong grasp on your world.
Great variation on wizardry and how it is accomplished.
Interesting sayings.
A - maybe - language developement thing going on?
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So in total I think you could work this out to be pretty good. It just needs some attention in a few - okay maybe quite a few - places. Strengthening your active voice will help, as well as tightening that dialogue. Give me some idea as to what is going on in this academy! Is this really important, or is it just off the top of Torin's rather unusual head?
Keep writing!
~Tam
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